Don't worry...the title didn't make sense to me either.
When I received this email, I wasn't sure if this is how I should have rightly reacted to it, on accounta cuz I just didn't remember the emailer or anything about what he driveled.
I'll spare you the whole email, since the first three paragiraffes should be more 'n enough to make you say W..T..F:
RE: THE REASON WHY YOU HAVE NOT SUCCEEDED IN RECEIVING YOUR FUND
After waiting to hear from you or your partner in Africa for a long time now, I decided to make this direct approach to you as my new resolution in other not to let it be if I have anything in mind against you. I do not know if you have asked yourself why each time the release of this fund is approved, all of a sudden, the payment will be stopped or one problem or the other will come up if you have not asked this question or you do not know, this is an opportunity for me to tell you.
Some time ago, your friends in Africa, I mean the people that introduced you to the project approached me through my dear wife who work with the Federal Ministry of Finance and requested me to assist them conclude a money transfer deal they had with you. They requested me to assist them by removing the original contractor's name and beneficiary, company's name and bank particulars from the Bank Of Africa vetting computer and replacing them with your name and bank details in order to make you appear as the rightful beneficiary of this fund. I agreed on condition that they will pay me US$100,000.00 as soon as your name appears as the beneficiary. I did as agreed and demanded to be paid, but your friends started telling me stories, they even told me you promised to send money to me.
Do you know that up till now, I have not received a single cent from them and have not set my eyes on any of them? Based on their attitude, I decided to stop the fund release movement because I cannot be denied of my right in my own office considering the risk as it might affect my job.. Secondly, I know the source of the funds that you did not execute any contract in Africa, although I am the only person privileged to know this information and it is a fact. Why I am making this clear to you is that I can see that you are still making efforts in order to conclude this project. Now I am ready to forget the past.
Yes, I did respond to this email in a manure readers of this blog would expect. But it seemed to me to fairly cry out for an edit job, and Seymour -- my editing pet rock -- was on an edit strike, claiming he deserves a "living minimum wage" like the dummies at McDonalds.
The fact that I don't charge Seymour rent to live here seems to have so totally slipped his mind.
"Did NOT!!!"
Okay, now that you've seen Seymour in a minimum rage...*ducking boos and throwd whatever it is that a pet rock can throw*...I decided to take on the edit myself, in a manure that I was sure the email originator would find appreciation in:
After waiting to hear from you or your partner in Africa for a long
time now, I decided to make this direct approach to you as my new
resolution in other not to let it be if I have anything in mind
against you. I do not know if you have asked yourself why each time
the release of this fund is approved, all of a sudden, the payment
will be stopped or one problem or the other will come up if you have
not asked this question or you do not know, this is an opportunity for
me to tell you.
Some time ago, in a country far far away, there lived a green muppet
named Yoga, who talked like a frawg and performed wonders
of levitation, usually rocks, boxes, snakes, wildebeest, yetis...whatever
came to mind. And then this Yoga began imagining sex with my dear wife who
work with the Federal Ministry of Finance and requested me to divorce her
so that she could have legitimate sex with the little green wrinkled prune
who could levitate in weird and unusual sexual positions, like those
marionettes in Team America: World Police.
Needless to say, I was fartbroken by it all. And I have the broken farts
to prove it.
That's when this Yoga offered me a deal of money for my dear wife,
who was already practicing oral sex on levitating swamp creatures.
I agreed on condition that they will pay me US$100,000.00 as soon as
Yoga proved his abilities by levitating a rhinoceros over my boss at
the bank. Yoga did, but dropped the rhino on him when I farted in his
As a result, Yoga refused to pay me. I did as agreed and demanded to
be paid, but Yoga started telling me stories about hallucinogenic mushrooms
and how State Department spokespersons did them before making public
statements. He even told me you promised to send money to me.
Do you know that up till now, I have not received a single cent from
Yoga or you, and have not set my eyes on any of them? Granted, I think
I have a mean evil "eye", but Yoga might drop a rhino on me so I won't
tangle with that voodooesque twerp.
Based on attitude of the mushroom hallucinogenic State Department
spokesninnies in your country, I decided to write directly to you
to ask that you ask Yoga to pay me my $100,000 that he promised
to pay me for my wife, and stop levitating my secretary's skirt in
front of me as it might affect my job.. Secondly, I know the source of
Yoga's power now, and one well-placed virus in a CGI computer will
deflate that green wrinkled bastard in a wisp of a hummingbird fart.
It's a high pitched squeak sound, by the way.
Angry as all this makes me, now I am ready to forget the past and
start a whole new script for Star Wars VIII.
I do not need the US $100.000.00 any longer from you but a good
compensation from your mind. I need your assurance that Yoga
will be totally kept out of this transaction. I know that Yoga is not
aware of my new approach to you since I have found that his version
of the Force can be diluted by onion and garlic farts.
Stop spending your time editing emails from the Banks in Africa,
because none of the people here in those banks can read a word
you write. I and I alone can personally read what you write here,
and only I can know what you just did there.
Finally,I need your promise that no official of the Central Bank of
Bank will be aware of my involvement in this regard because of my
position, which at the moment is bent over my desk, humping my
secretary. Now re-assure me that you will be willing to compensate me
and that you will do so within 48 hours.
I am a man of my word. My word this week is "schmiel". If you are ready
to conclude this business with a true schmiel, contact me on my on my
NUMBER I DON'T BELIEVE IN EMAIL HAVING THE ABILITY TO
TRANSMUTATE INTO A PARALLEL DIMENSION AND HAVE IT
WINDING UP ON A WHEEL OF FORTUNE SHOW THERE IN THE
BONUS ROUND, WHERE IT MIGHT BE DISCOVERED AND REPORTED
BACK TO MY BOSSES THAT I'M BANGING MY SECRETARY OVER
THE DESK, IF THERE'S SOME KIND OF LEAK IN THE SPACE-TIME
If after you read all this I hope YOU ARE SERIOUS that we can have a
chat over this issue once and for all. .
BEST REGARDS
Dr. Osman Hassan
Chairman payment verification Panel
+233 247726598.
While I doubt that I'll hear another woid from the emailer, Seymour is concerned that I'll hear from Lucas and Spielberg about having leaked their idea for Star Wars VIII -- The Force Re-Geritoled.
It might come to that for Leia, Skywalker and Solo by then...
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