A Long Time Ago In An Email Edit Yesterday...

Things are getting weird in 2016.  Proof is no harder to find than the presidential election and what we're seemingly left with:  a corrupt criminal who'll have to pardon herself at her inaugural if she's not indicted first, or....Donald Trump, who simply defies description.

So why shouldn't the weird impact the online email scammers?

Take this one for example:  Miss Patience Kone of the Ivory Coast, and her effort to give my character the business:

My Dear,

l am happy to request for your assistance and also to go into business partnership with you, i believe that you will not betrayed my trust which i am going to lay on you.

I am Miss Patience Kone ,23years old and the only daughter of my late parents Mr.and Mrs. Jason Kone. My father was a highly reputable business magnet-(a cocoa merchant)who operated in the capital of Ivory coast during his days. It is sad to say that he passed away mysteriously in France during one of his business trips abroad year 12th.February 2007.Though his sudden death was linked or rather suspected to have been masterminded by an uncle of his who travailed with him at that time. But God knows the truth! My mother died when I was just 7 years old, and since then my father took me so special. Before his death on February 12th 2007 he called the secretary who accompanied him to the hospital and told him that he has the sum of Two Million United State Dollars.(USD$2, 000 000) he used my name as his beloved daughter as the next of kin in depositing the fund in one of the bank in West Africa. And he said I should seek for a foreign partner in a  country of my choice where I will transfer this money and use it for an investment purpose.

I am just 23years old and an Student really don't know what to do. This is because I have suffered a lot of set backs as a result of incessant political crisis here in Ivory coast. The death of my father actually brought sorrow to my life. I am in a sincere desire of your humble assistance in this regards.Your suggestions and ideas will be highly regarded. Now permit me to ask these few questions:-

1. Can I completely trust you?

2. What percentage of the total amount in question will be good for you?

Consider this and get back to me as soon as possible.

Thank you so much.  My sincere regards,

Miss. Patience   

 

 

I managed to work a lot of old and new into this edit...even my pet rock, Seymour, was stupefied:

 

 

Vacuum pack,

l am happy to request for a twelve pack of Keystone Lite because what you're about to read will require at least a twelve pack to understand.
 

I am Miss Patience Kone ,23years old and the only daughter of my late parents Mr.and Mrs. Ukulele Ungabunga Ice Cream Kone. My father was a scurrilously disreputable and dubious business maggot (a cocaine and sex drug merchant) who operated in the capital of Ivory Coast during his days.   On his nights he sang at various dive bars as Lolita Snatchpussy, a reputed transvestite gangsta rapperette that was advertised in bathrooms around Dearborn and the DNC.  It is sad to say that he passed away mysteriously in France during one of his strangest performances with a llama, yak and a fortune-telling shrieking marmot on  12th February 2016.  Though his sudden death was linked or rather suspected to have been masturbated by a pygmy tri-peckered goat who traveled with him at that time as his masseuse and bookkeeper, nothing has been proved other than emails found on Hellary's primate server that Bill tried to cleverly conceal as a female intern genital humidor at the Clinton Foundation, under a desk.

 

But God knows the truth!  And considers it stranger than any act ever witnessed on The Gong Show.

   

My mother died when I was just 22 years old, and since then my father took me whenever his male alter igor took over. Before his death he called the secretary who accompanied him for most of his night acts in e flat and told him that the secretary was to fire the tri-peckered pygmy goat for having eaten the sum of Two Million United State Dollars after a wild night in a ewe convent that still hasn't figured out what hit it.  

I am just 23 years old and a thrice born again virgin that really doesn't know what that means. This is because I have suffered a lot of set backs as a result of incessant comparisons to a father who behaved worse than Anthony Weiner on Twitter or Bill Clinton at a Nyphomaniac's Anonymous convention.  

 

Also, the death of my faithful witch doctor turned Serengeti hamster (one of his spells that went awry) who was then eaten by a boa constrictor has caused me many script rewrites for the next Star Wars movie, Episode VIII The Phantom Tri-Uddered Cow Tipper (George Lucas and Steven Spielberg are thought to want nothing to do with this one, though Harrison Ford might reprise his role if Carrie Fisher loses 30 pounds and that sticky bun on her head), due out in theatres in the summer of 2017.  

 

 

I am in a sincere desire of your humble assistance to find some peculiar way that any of this can be made to make sense.  Now permit me to ask these few questions:-

1. Can I completely trust that you are NOT Anthony Weiner?

 

2. Do you know someone who can reprise the roles of Chewbacca and Jar Jar Stinks in the new Star Wars movie?

 

3. Did you hear about the pygmy tri-peckered goat attack at the ewe convent in Liechtenstein on CNN?

Oops...not THAT convent...

 

 

4. Do YOU know who hit Annie in the fanny with a flounder?

 

5. Do YOU know why PETA and Greenpeace aren't going stark raving nuts about that use of a flounder on Annie's fanny?

6. Are cars made out of avocados called guacaroles?
 

Consider this and get back to me as soon as possible.  Thank you so much.

WTF to put it lightly,

Miss. Patience    

 

This one clearly overloaded the scammers who had absolutely no reply to this.  Chuck Barris could probably manage one...

 

When You Have To Be Told Why You Wonder Something, It's Not Always A Green Muppet Looking Thing

Don't worry...the title didn't make sense to me either.

When I received this email, I wasn't sure if this is how I should have rightly reacted to it, on accounta cuz I just didn't remember the emailer or anything about what he driveled. 

I'll spare you the whole email, since the first three paragiraffes should be more 'n enough to make you say W..T..F:


RE: THE REASON WHY YOU HAVE NOT SUCCEEDED IN RECEIVING YOUR FUND

After waiting to hear from you or your partner in Africa for a long time now, I decided to make this direct approach to you as my new resolution in other not to let it be if I have anything in mind against you. I do not know if you have asked yourself why each time the release of this fund is approved, all of a sudden, the payment will be stopped or one problem or the other will come up if you have not asked this question or you do not know, this is an opportunity for me to tell you.

Some time ago, your friends in Africa, I mean the people that introduced you to the project approached me through my dear wife who work with the Federal Ministry of Finance and requested me to assist them conclude a money transfer deal they had with you. They requested me to assist them by removing the original contractor's name and beneficiary, company's name and bank particulars from the Bank Of Africa vetting computer and replacing them with your name and bank details in order to make you appear as the rightful beneficiary of this fund.  I agreed on condition that they will pay me US$100,000.00 as soon as your name appears as the beneficiary. I did as agreed and demanded to be paid, but your friends started telling me stories, they even told me you promised to send money to me.

Do you know that up till now, I have not received a single cent from them and have not set my eyes on any of them? Based on their attitude, I decided to stop the fund release movement because I cannot be denied of my right in my own office considering the risk as it might affect my job.. Secondly, I know the source of the funds that you did not execute any contract in Africa, although I am the only person privileged to know this information and it is a fact. Why I am making this clear to you is that I can see that you are still making efforts in order to conclude this project. Now I am ready to forget the past.  


Yes, I did respond to this email in a manure readers of this blog would expect.  But it seemed to me to fairly cry out for an edit job, and Seymour -- my editing pet rock -- was on an edit strike, claiming he deserves a "living minimum wage" like the dummies at McDonalds.

The fact that I don't charge Seymour rent to live here seems to have so totally slipped his mind.

"Did NOT!!!"

Okay, now that you've seen Seymour in a minimum rage...*ducking boos and throwd whatever it is that a pet rock can throw*...I decided to take on the edit myself, in a manure that I was sure the email originator would find appreciation in:


After waiting to hear from you or your partner in Africa for a long
time now, I decided to make this direct approach to you as my new
resolution in other not to let it be if I have anything in mind
against you. I do not know if you have asked yourself why each time
the release of this fund is approved, all of a sudden, the payment
will be stopped or one problem or the other will come up if you have
not asked this question or you do not know, this is an opportunity for
me to tell you.

Some time ago, in a country far far away, there lived a green muppet

named Yoga, who talked like a frawg and performed wonders

of levitation, usually rocks, boxes, snakes, wildebeest, yetis...whatever

came to mind.  And then this Yoga began imagining sex with my dear wife who
work with the Federal Ministry of Finance and requested me to divorce her

so that she could have legitimate sex with the little green wrinkled prune

who could levitate in weird and unusual sexual positions, like those

marionettes in Team America:  World Police. 

Needless to say, I was fartbroken by it all.  And I have the broken farts

to prove it.

That's when this Yoga offered me a deal of money for my dear wife,

who was already practicing oral sex on levitating swamp creatures.

I agreed on condition that they will pay me US$100,000.00 as soon as
Yoga proved his abilities by levitating a rhinoceros over my boss at

the bank.  Yoga did, but dropped the rhino on him when I farted in his

meditation. 

 

As a result, Yoga refused to pay me.   I did as agreed and demanded to
be paid, but Yoga started telling me stories about hallucinogenic mushrooms

and how State Department spokespersons did them before making public

statements.  He even told me you promised to send money to me.

Do you know that up till now, I have not received a single cent from
Yoga or you, and have not set my eyes on any of them? Granted, I think

I have a mean evil "eye", but Yoga might drop a rhino on me so I won't

tangle with that voodooesque twerp.

Based on attitude of the mushroom hallucinogenic State Department

spokesninnies in your country, I decided to write directly to you

to ask that you ask Yoga to pay me my $100,000 that he promised

to pay me for my wife, and stop levitating my secretary's skirt in

front of me as it might affect my job.. Secondly, I know the source of

Yoga's power now, and one well-placed virus in a CGI computer will

deflate that green wrinkled bastard in a wisp of a hummingbird fart.

It's a high pitched squeak sound, by the way.

 

Angry as all this makes me, now I am ready to forget the past and

start a whole new script for Star Wars VIII. 

I do not need the US $100.000.00 any longer from you but a good
compensation from your mind. I need your assurance that Yoga 

will be totally kept out of this transaction. I know that Yoga is not
aware of my new approach to you since I have found that his version

of the Force can be diluted by onion and garlic farts.

 

Stop spending your time editing emails from the Banks in Africa,

because none of the people here in those banks can read a word

you write.  I and I alone can personally read what you write here,
and only I can know what you just did there.

Finally,I need your promise that no official of the Central Bank of
Bank will be aware of my involvement in this regard because of my
position, which at the moment is bent over my desk, humping my

secretary. Now re-assure me that you will be willing to compensate me
and that you will do so within 48 hours.

I am a man of my word. My word this week is "schmiel".  If you are ready

to conclude this business with a true schmiel, contact me on my on my

NUMBER I DON'T BELIEVE IN EMAIL HAVING THE ABILITY TO

TRANSMUTATE INTO A PARALLEL DIMENSION AND HAVE IT

WINDING UP ON A WHEEL OF FORTUNE SHOW THERE IN THE

BONUS ROUND, WHERE IT MIGHT BE DISCOVERED AND REPORTED

BACK TO MY BOSSES THAT I'M BANGING MY SECRETARY OVER

THE DESK, IF THERE'S SOME KIND OF LEAK IN THE SPACE-TIME

CONTINUUM. 

 

If after you read all this I hope YOU ARE SERIOUS that we can have a

chat over this issue once and for all. .

BEST REGARDS
Dr. Osman Hassan
Chairman payment verification Panel
+233 247726598.  

 

 

While I doubt that I'll hear another woid from the emailer, Seymour is concerned that I'll hear from Lucas and Spielberg about having leaked their idea for Star Wars VIII -- The Force Re-Geritoled. 

 

It might come to that for Leia, Skywalker and Solo by then...