Exchanges With Morons

I seem to use this graphic a lot, because it seems to fit a lot.

Like my latest moron.

This clown -- which may be unfair to professional clowns every where -- sent me the same scam email, but to three of my email addresses.  Addressed from the same and different people.  I'll probably never know what his angle was meant to be, but it's one of the stupider scam efforts I've seen.

Here it is (and when you've seen one, you've literally seen them all):

Is the payroll job still avaliable? I am pretty intrested i have good background work in that area  


The email address it came from is NOT the email address that appeared when I went to reply to it:  that address was vghworld@gmail.com. 

Since I got a total of four of these emails over three accounts -- one got two addressed from different people, but with the same reply-to address -- I came up with a variety of responses.  Here's a few for example:

 -  Oh heckydarnpoo....a platypus with fabulous abacus skills was just hired for that job.  Sawwwwrrrrry.  

 -  I am pleased to tell you that after carefully reviewing your resume, your skills at sodomizing sheep won our extended amusement.  But didn't land you a job.  

 -  Pop quiz:  According to the calendar of events, your days are numbered.  If you don't see what we just did there, you aren't qualified for the job.  If you eventually figure out what we just did there, you're still not qualified for the job...an abacus figured it out immediately.  If you figured out what we just did there in a few seconds...QuickenBook is still faster....no job for you.  Regardless of what you figured out, you still didn't get the job.  We pulled it because of obozodoesn'tcare.  Return to your unemployment and widening your ass watching Oprah and eating whatever it is you eat while trying to come up with a better scam.

 -  After carefully considering your non-application and your non-resume, we have come to the non-decision that you are non-qualified for the non-job you have applied for, and it is with extreme satisfaction that we have decided that you are the non-person for the non-job. 

Non-congratulations.  When can you non-start?

Now, none of those responses generated anything in return.  But one initial response DID generate something of a dialogue with this person of dubious scamming antecedence.  Here is THAT exchange:

I'm sorry...we have filled the position with a blonde named Ubula. She can't count but dang does she fill out a sweater. ... We'll be happy to hold your resume for the next open rest room cleaning position we get.

Dude thats how you scam bait?  

It was addressed from a Fouad Elyaouti.  Naturally, I simply hadda reply:

Sometimes I just troll a shiner past 'em and wait for them to lunge from the outhouse pit to take the bait.  Other times...I just throw them an anchovy and watch the seals trample 'em.  With scammers, it's whatever woiks, dude.  

That drew this in response:

okay?  Is that all?  

It all depends on the nature of the scam "Fouad" aka "Dude"...if your scam is particularly poorly writ and longer, I have a field day deconstructing it.  If your scam is from a recognized template, I go with whatever strikes my fancy, since once you're off the template, you show yourself to be a stammering, blithering idiot of dubious antecedence.  If your scam is something simple -- like what you sent me -- you get something simple in return that even a moron like you can, in time, figure out.

Of course, if you'd like to see yourself made to look more stupid, by all means try again. 

 

'Fouad' couldn't let it go:

 

you don't make no sense of this.  

 

there was some to be made from you, 'Fouad'?  That'd be a switch. 

 

Then he comes up with this:

 

Lol i am just scam baiting other scammers lol  

 

You're in need of a great deal of work with your technique, 'Fouad'.  I'd say it's lost until fouad.  Whaddaya think on that?  

 

i am not understand of your meaning.  

 

That's obvious.  Here's something I bet you can understand:  the job you're applying for is not available right now, but if you leave your name, species and a message at the tone, we'll get back to you about a job as a trained dodo bird to do traffic control in Burundi.  You're AVA profile suggests this is perfect for you.  You in?  

 

r u for real?   

 

You didn't say if you were in for the job of being a trained dodo bird to do traffic control in Burundi.  The need is immediate, 'cuz we've been contracted to reduce swinging vine monkey collisions there.  Your AVA says you can do this.  Not much else, but you can do this.  

 

u cant be real?  

 

..he..he..he...makes you wonder, don't it?

Am I a compbot?  Am I communicating from beyond the astral bridge thanks to modern technology and ITC?  Am I actually the spirit of Curly from the Three Stooges?  Are you being made to look stupid by your own pathetic scam?

Yes, I submit.  You may return to your sodomizing goats now, Fouad. 

 

i not do that.  u r sick.  

 

Then what IS it you sodomize when you're not trying this silly sh*t, Fouad?  Probably Galapagos Island tortoises, 'cuz they're so slow.  

 

u r not real.  

 

Well I guess we'll leave it to the world wide web of internet surfers to decide that, won't we 'Fouad'? 

 

'Fouad' decided that he'd had enough of trying to 'apply for a job' with me, since he now knew that I wouldn't hire ANYONE who sodomizes Galapagos Island tortoises:

 

stop already! what kind r u?  

 

That kind, laddie.   

 

So now 'Fouad' doesn't want to play any more, now that I've revealed his secrets and ineptness.  Another one for my 'fouad and lost' scambaiting files...   *ducking boos and throwd emails* 

 

 

 


 

Messy Bird Coup, Monsewer

I am amused when a scammer scams me in a foreign lingo.

In the past, I'd just edit the thing in my version of a broken-English version of their language and send it back.

Nowadays, I gotz teh Gooble translationer.

Here's what the scammer's opening paragraph had to say in his apparent native frog:

 Bonjour,

repondez moi ici (juliet2conte@cantv.net)

Je voudrais avec votre accord vous présenter ma situation et vous proposer une affaire qui pourrait vous intéresser.  Avant de poursuivre, permettez-moi de décliner mon identité. Je suis Nadège
Tagro,fille de feu M. Désiré Tagro, l'ex-ministre de l'Intérieur de la République de Côte d'Ivoire qui a servi avec le régime de l'ancien Président Laurent Gbagbo. Mon défunt père était parmi les patriotes qui étaient avec l'ancien président dans la résidence présidentielle avant d'être attaqué par les
rebelles qui se battent pour le nouveau président, Alassane Ouattara.

Translated into Americal English, it said h'yar:

Hello,
repondez me here (juliet2conte@cantv.net)

I would agree with your present my situation and offer you a deal that might interest you. Before continuing, let me identify myself. I Nadège Tagro, daughter of the late Mr. Désiré Tagro, former Minister of the Interior of the Republic of Côte d'Ivoire who served with the regime of former President Laurent Gbagbo. My late father was among the patriots who were with the former president in the presidential residence before being attacked by rebels fighting for the new president, Alassane Ouattara.  

Writing back in slaughtered Englishized frawg, while amusing at least to me, has already been done by me.  *Yawn*  So instead, I used teh gooble to write back in native frawg, in an edited manure you've come to expect here:

J'aimerais changer de place avec votre situation actuelle et vous offrir mon cul et le vagin comme un dépôt pour quelque chose de mieux , oui ?
 Avant de poursuivre , permettez-moi de m'identifier . je Nadège Tagro , salope fille de feu M. Désiré Tagro , ancien ministre de Slut Filles de la République de Côte d'Ivoire . Il est tombé en disgrâce avec l' ancien président , qui a été servi au régime lors d'un dîner d'État avec un côté de pommes de terre rissolées . Ils disent que l' ancien président Laurent Gbagbo apprécié mon père comme plat principal .

Maintenant, il veut me manger , mais je ne suis pas sûr de savoir comment il est , il signifie cela.

La résidence présidentielle a été attaqué par des amis du colonel Sanders sur Janvier 32 , 2014, dans une rare manifestation de solidarité avec un restaurant franchise offrant baguettes d'autruche et les cuisses pour une taille super uber menu. M. Gbagbo a été capturé et battu avec les abats d'autruche .
Eux est des abats .
La principale raison de mon e -mail vient de l'empressement avec lequel la nouveau gouvernement nous traite comme des hors futurs D' eovers Par conséquent , notre séjour à Côte d' Ivoire devient de plus en plus côté bombé et cela semble de bon augure mauvais pour ma vie et la capacité à profiter de la cuisine , plutôt que de le devenir.
Après l'assassiner de mon père , a déclaré son avocat , il a déposé un un menu avec le gouvernement Côte-d'Ivoire qui m'avait enlevé comme un substance interdite . Cannibales plus il prie de différer , et je suis encore risque de devenir un casse-croûte au Happy Hour au Burundi . quelque chose Je pense que les gens en dehors du Burundi n'avaient aucune idée que les Burundais connaissaientrien . Eh bien laissez -moi vous dire ... quand ils disent « finger food », ils vraiment dire finger food . De vrais doigts . Frits , sautés ... tas maladies des salauds .
Voici ce que je suis besoin de vous :
- Faire une demande de statut de réfugié culinaire en mon nom , avant que je me fais l'équivalent d'un de vos suprêmes taco par les lieux ici .
Gin supplémentaire, mais je suis bien avec ondulation dans les bouteilles d'une pinte .

Si le nouveau gouvernement du président Alassane Ouattara vient me faire connaître dans le menu , nous aurons des problèmes sérieux pour vous . je veux à GTF sortir d'ici avant que je suis grillé ... littéralement .

Nous traiterons ce avec la plus grande confidentialité en affichant cette édition sur un blogavec des lecteurs du monde entier . Oui , je pense que cela va faire .

Si vous êtes prêt à se joindre à moi dans cette détérioration rapide barbare culinaire la situation - je ne veux pas devenir mon propre brûlures d'estomac , si cela est possible - Je vous prie de me répondre comme vite.Ma vie est risquée , et je suis actuellement dans la clandestinité loin de tout ce qui ressemble à un garde-manger , la cuisine ou broche de cuisson .
En attente de votre réponse rapide.Répondez -moi ici ( juliet2conte@cantv.net )Cordialement, Mlle Nadège Tagro , apéritif réticents  

 

 

For those of you -- like me -- not conversant in native frawg, here's a lil hep from teh gooble on what I dun writ back:

 

After the murder of my father, said his lawyer, he filed a menu with the Ivory Coast government which had taken me as a prohibited substance. Cannibals more he begs to differ, and I'm still at risk of becoming a snack at Happy Hour in Burundi. something I think people outside of Burundi had no idea that Burundians know nothing. Well let me tell you ... when they say "finger food", they really mean finger food. Real fingers. Fried, sauteed ... bunch of bastards diseases.  

 

 

So far, the sender of this frawg epistle has not responded to my repartee.  Probably no bonchance that she/he/it will, either, eh monamee?

 

C'est le eh.

 

 

 

 

Cambodian Lobsters Is Syrian Business

The picture -- used by a number of alleged "dying" foreigners in their scam emails -- would have been more fitting as a crustacean.

However, I didn't have the right crustacean in my archives for this.

Here I go again, as I get another email from another dying refugee with money.

Yup.  So many rich and dying refugees.  I thought it was from the DNC.

Instead, it's from someone in Cambodia, claiming to be Syrian.

I can see how that can happen.

Read this heart-string-tugging epistle:

I know this email will surprise you. Please accept my offer for charity plans. My name is
Mrs. Isar Aqilah. I am a rich Syrian woman of 66 years. I was married to the director of
(ISAR SEAFOOD LTD) located in China and Cambodia. I am seriously suffering from the
poisonous Gas attack that affected us in Damascus last year. My entire families died by
that attack. My condition is hopeless to survive. Nobody to call for help. I am using my
doctor's android phone to send you this email. I want you to take over my funds in
Cambodia for charity plans and humanitarian aid for Syrian refugees, motherless, less
privileged, the widows and also in your country. I pray Allah to help us. I have
$10,100.000.00 in my Bank. I will offer you 12% for your commitment. My lawyer in Cambodia
will direct and arrange the release of the funds to you. Presently I can't reply you. My
lawyer contact is stated below

Barrister. Sak Khan
E-mail: ba_sakkhan_chamber@yahoo.com.vn
TEL- +855-979581598 


Makes you want to run right out and beat down a few lobsters don' it?


Well, guess I'm a mean person.  I hadda different take I sent back in reply to "Isar":

Dear Friend,

I know this email will surprise you since I'm a Cambodian attempting to pass myself off

as Mrs. Isar Aqilah, a bitch of a Syrian woman of 66 years. I was married to the director of
(ISAR SEAFOOD LTD) located in China and Cambodia until a mob of angry lobsters

sodomized him during a sea food mosh pit. I am seriously suffering from the
poisonous Gas attack that resulted after he was sodomized...those lobsters were

horribly flatulent.  My entire families died by that attack. Even as a survivor my condition is

hopeless because I am allergic to cocktail sauce. Nobody to call for help because the lobsters

also stole my cell phone and have been making crank calls all over the USA, ordering pizzas to

unsuspecting addresses.  Bastards.

I am using my psychoanalyst's android phone by telling him I'm calling for crank-laced

lubricating oil for it...so I cannot make this message long.  I want you to take over my efforts

to track down that gang of lobsters and make them pay for the flatulence that killed my

famdamily while they were trying to watch the Olympics. I'd pray to Allah to help us, but

that useless pedophile is only interested in the next sexual encounter.

I have $10 in West African francs in my Bank. I will offer you 12%.  If that not enough, I will offer

you my body.  Forget that I look like a shriveled prune.  

My lawyer -- located in Cambodia and operating by many names, including Fang Yu Fuk Duk

Luk Buttboinker -- will attempt to direct and arrange something sordid to you.

Presently I can't reply you. A lobster has my tongue.  My
lawyer contact is stated below

Barrister. Sak Khan
E-mail: ba_sakkhan_chamber@yahoo.com.vn
TEL- +855-979581598

Sent from Google Mail by an android high on crack mixed with lubricating oil 

I'm guessing that the silence that greeted this edit means that (a) Isar 'died' (b) her bannister is not happy with the edit (c) or the lobsters came back to get Allah.

That's life in the Cambodian part of Syria, I reckon...

The Translation Ain't Lost -- Just Their Reply Seems To Be

The Third World scammers must be getting despot, trying to impersonate (badly) the FBI in their scams.

Here's one so badly-written, it could ONLY come from a scammer.  Or Nancy Pelosi:


"This is most important you read.

FBI is watch you for time now. We know you involve in scam activity and  we know where you are. We are watch you all the time. You need now to  do the right think so that FBI will not be made to arrest you for what you do.

Contact this emails and follow our instru...cts soonest to avoid unpleasant
side affect.

This is you only advice from us. Not delay.
Awaiting for your urgent respond
Mr.JAMES UBAH
FBI Office
Benin Republic
Phone/+229-98789714
Email: (mailto:moneytransfer001@waterquan.com)  


When the FBI in Benin writes you like that, what's a recipient to do?

Write 'em back making good use of Google Translate:


Edima FBI owo nke dubious antecedence na njọ nghota n'utoasusu drivel: n'ihi na ọtụtụ akụkụ, m mgbe niile ime ihe ziri ezi. Ọ bụrụ na ị na-ekiri m ka ị na-ekwu na gị na snoopers ẹde, ma ọ bụ buru ha noses si n'oké ahuokika. Ma na ha na-ewere keere òkè sodomizing na iyuzucha anwụrụ nke onyunyo ewu na ha n'elu. Nke na-eme ka ha kama conspicuous a obi ma digress. Niile ruru enweghị nkwanye ùgwù gị nzuzu na iberibe email na ọbụna stupider iberibe ojoro, m na-atụ aro na ị ibipụta a zaghachi, n'ogige atụrụ ya lengthwise, na igwu ya gị ịnyịnya ibu saidwees. Dịkarịa ala, ga-enye anyị NSA ihe kentoochi na-ekiri. Ma, ihe ọ bụla na ọ bụ gị Akpara-eme mgbe m ida ime gị abjectly nzuzu email, mma-eme ọsọ ọsọ, tupu kọfị na donuts gaa stale na mpaghara ducks na ha mbụ. Na na na na, na dị ka ndekọ ... na na ama screwed site wildebeest nke bụ ya mere na ị bụ onye ị dị taa.

Using Igbo -- an alleged language in that neck of the weirds -- I'm sure they gathered at once that I was going to be one of those 'non-compliance' annoyances.

For those of you who aren't conversant in Igbo as I'm not, here's the English version:

Dear FBI persons of dubious antecedence and worse grammatical drivel:  for the most part, I always do the right thing.  If you are watching me as you claim, your snoopers are asleep, or picking their noses out of sheer boredom.  Unless they're taking turns sodomizing the exhaust pipe of the surveillance goat they're riding on.  Which makes them rather conspicuous in this neighborhood but I digress.  With all due lack of respect to your stupid f**king email and even stupider f**king scam, I suggest you print this reply, fold it lengthwise, and shove it up your ass sideways.  At least that will give our NSA something amusing to watch.  Otherwise, whatever it is you plan to do when I fail to comply with your abjectly stupid email, you better hurry, before the coffee and donuts go stale and the local ducks get them first.  Oh, and just for the record...your mama was screwed by a wildebeest which is why you are the way you are today. 

I reckon that needless to say, I don't see the goat getting it up the exhaust pipe out on my street, no Benin FBIers have showd up to make me regret not having done the 'right thing' as they define it, and there are local ducks fat and indigestioned on stale coffee and donuts that might have been fresh once.  Danged if they won't even respond to me now.

I know they HATE when that happens.  Which here is all the time ;-)

Confessions of a Lost-In-Translator

If my latest scammer was "English ignorant" as he claimed -- because he was an "Arabic man" -- then what I replied to him with probably went over as a version of the picture h'yar.

Meet Tariq Asghar.  An Arabic man by confession.  A scammer by trade, though not openly confessed as such.

Read here his opening gambit, and how I choosed to have speaks with him in the most 'lost in transportation' mode that I could:


My name is Tariq S. Asghar,I have a very important information to disclose to you.Kindly contact me on: asghartariq@yahoo.com.hk



Of course, I just hadda reply:

Oh goodie...and what, pray, is that which you regards as important information please?



Fool that he thought I was, he replied 'mediately:

Thanks for the response to my email,please ignore my poor English usage as i am an arabic man. I want you to know that my reason for contacting you is very important and very legitimate so I want you to take this seriously. All i want is an honest business transaction with you. I will start by introducing myself. My name is Tariq S. Asghar, I am a financial executive with the RUSD Investment Bank Inc Malaysia. I have been working with the RUSD Investment Bank Inc. of Malaysia for 27 years, I am 54 years of age and have a good record with my bank.

 I am the personal Accountant/Investment Manager to Late Engineer Adams Bay,A contractor who deposited an investment account totaling $3,472,000 (Three million, Four hundred and seventy two Thousand Us dollars) after being paid for his first concluded contract with Exxon Mobil Corporation (Esso Malaysia Berhad). He used to work with the Exxon Mobil Corporation here in Malaysia as a foreign Expatriate. Unfortunately, on the 11 October 2005, my client/customer, and his mother who was his only surviving family from his record were involved in a car accident along Princess Hwy at Weerite and lost their lives.

Since his death i have made several inquiries to your embassy to locate any of his extended families or relatives but this has also proved unsuccessful. So i am tracing his last name over the Internet to locate any member of his family that was how i found your email,and am contacting you for us to work together in filing a claim of the funds.

My bank has issued me several notices to provide the Next of Kin being his personal Investment/Account Manager before his death or the account will be confiscated within the next 14 official working days. The last notice for claim came to my desk three days ago. I am contacting you to assist in repatriating the funds and property left behind before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable by the bank.I am seeking your consent to present you as the next of kin to the deceased since you bear the same last name so that the proceeds of this account valued at $3,472,000 US Dollars can be paid to you, If we can be of one accord, we should act swiftly on this. Please get back to me immediately for us to proceed with the claims. I propose that upon successful completion of this deal, we will split the proceeds according to a ratio to be agreed in subsequent communication between us. I am after the success of this transaction with your full cooperation.

 All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us seeing this deal through. I guarantee you that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you and i from any breach of the law. Please know that am arabic and will not lie because of my religion and I would expect the same from you. I will attach my staff ID on my next email if you are interested in the proposal and will send you more information directing you on further procedure on how we can claim the funds.

Thanks for your anticipated cooperation,

Regards,

Tariq S. Asghar

Since he confessed to speaking in poor English 'cuz he's an arabic man, I turned to Teh Gooble Transloot, to hep pave the way to international relatives:

أنا بخير مع ذلك من وجودك رجل عربي وليس متموجة جدا في اللغة الإنجليزية، وأنا يمكن أن inconfluent على قدم المساواة في العربية، ولكن يمكن أن تمت الترجمة من Google للمساعدة في التقاء. الآن، في هذا العمل الذي ترغب في أن تعطيني ... هو 3.4 مليون دولار أمريكي كل ما لديك لتقدمه؟ أن تكون عازمة على الله وثمل من قبل الإبل .... وهذا هو مثير للشفقة، يا رجل. يمكنك أن تفعل أي أفضل، كونه من المنطقة التي لديها خيول السباق النفط الهائلة تحت رمال متحركة من خلال الزجاج ساعة، لذلك يذهب الأيام من شؤوننا؟
بالتأكيد كنت المزاح. ونعم، دعوت لك شيرلي.
العودة الى لي مع شيء أكثر موضوعية، وأنا لن أقول الله أن تستمع إلى جنوب بارك على كوميدي سنترال.

And this h'yar is how in looked in English:


I am okay with that of you being arabic man and not very confluent in English; I can equally be inconfluent in arabic, but can has Google Translate to help with the confluence. Now, to this business you wish to give me...is $3.4 Million USD all that you have to offer? Allah be bent over and screwed by a camel....that is pathetic, my man. Can you do no better, being from a region that has immense oil racehorses beneath its shifting sands through the hour glass, so goes the days of our affairs?

Surely you jest. And yes, I called you Shirley.

Get back to me with something more substantive, and I won't tell Allah that you listen to South Park on Comedy Central.  


Sadly, ol' Tariq choosed not to reply to me.  Either I hurt his feelings...or he hasn't figured out where to find Teh Gooble translating thingee yet...

 

It's Mandela's Turn -- III

Okay...so you saw the opening gambit of the one and probably not only  Barrister.Sanin Raqza Raymond. Esq., as regards his effort to scam in the name of the late Marxist Nelson Mandela.

And you saw what I dun to it.

And you saw how he responded to what I dun to it (by not reading it at all).

So, what was I left to do with his empty-headed assumption that I'd accepted his offer to give me the business?

Edit it some mores:

Dear Sir,
I thank my enlarged prostrate that I choosed you to assist me on this project because I am illiterate, cannot read, and have butt polyps in my sinus passages, which cause me to wet myself when I sneeze. 

From your edited response of my original email, it remind me of song I once sort of plagiarize...I can see by your outfit, that you are a cowboy...you see by my outfit I am a cowboy too...we see by our outfits, that we are both cowboys...if you get an outfit you can be a cowboy too....

I make gold record with that song, yes?

Since I not read goodest your reply to me first times, I can see that you are an honest and intelligent person that has the genuiness to help me at heart, by having my anus surgically exchanged with my esophagus after I am drunk from too much jungle juice at a Nigerian 419 convention in Lagos.

So here's what I had in mind, before IT was surgically exchanged with my colon:

- The money is deposited in a cleft of an dysenteric elephant's butt in Rwanda and thats on my first priority to have someone with long gloves try to remove it and not get pooped or stomped in the process, as that is safer for both of us.

-The total deposited money is $21 in useless West African francs, also knowd locally as toilet paper to the primates hereabouts.  

-I will always need you to assist me in proofreading my emails because I has no ideas what any of this shit says.  I am only fluent in butt cheek fart reading, and there is not high demand for this unique skill, which I am sure you didn't know befores I tell you this.

 

-My reason for axing you for the vital informations from you such as your contact address,direct telephone and fax numbers as well as a valid identity is to enable me to have someone I know who can walk and chew meerkat nuts at the same time to prepare something of an agreement that both of us will sign -- me with my fake name, you with your reals one cuz this won't works if you are as much a douche nozzle as I ams -- so that there will be no betrayal that isn't intended in the first of places, by the place and show of the second and third places, if I understand zebra racing at Pimlico, a suburb of Lagos.

-25% of the last paragraph makes no senses to me.

-My commitments will be to furnish you with all the relevant bullshevik to ensure that you are able to figure out what I am try to do heres before I am able to do heres what I am trying to figure out to do heres.  I think.  Can you proofs that for me and tell me if it made to you senses?

-65% of that paragraph -- I think this is a long necked animal that jump from planes, which to me is not making of senses -- is even worser than the 25% one.

-There must be an agreement duly signed by both of us before I can proceeds to figure out what I ams to do here next, or nexter, because I am kindergarten drop out from Detroit.

I have suffered so much on this and will not alow anyone to take it away from me just like that,I hope you understand what I mean sir?  If you don't, then we both in troubles.

Do furnish me with the needed informations,so that we can proceed without delay as I want this done as soon as possible,so that I can get my wife and her family the new DVD movie "Transfarmers III" from that suckass movie director with the purloined name.
I await your mail and the informations today.

Your full real name because your full fake name is not going to help me help myself to your moneys:
Your Phone:
Your address...no, I didn't mean to call you a dress, I am axing for where you lives in:
Your City:
State / Province:
Country:
Fax Number:
Date of Birth, unless you was hatched then I don't think it matters much:
your Account Number :
Send me a scammed copy of your identifications:


My regards to your flushing toilet...I hopes to see one work one days,
Barrister.Sanin Raqza Raymond. Esq.   attonyandy112@hotmail.com  

 

 

It appears that this time, whatever his name is bothered to read a bit more closely my reply/edit to his email:

 

 

u are not good man. 

 

That's okay..I get by.  You? 

 

 

I guess he didn't want to explore that notion further....oh well  ;-)

 

It's Mandela's Turn -- II

Okay...last week I showed you how this goof ball Sanin Raqza Raymond -- aka attony andy -- is trying to scam and cash in on a dead mandela.  As a reminder, here's a piece of his opening ploy:

Dear Friend,

My names are Mr. Sanin Raqza Raymond .  LL.B, Attorney-at-Law and Legal Adviser. Am a close Legal Consultant to the Family of late Nelson Mandela South Africa President . Am a senior Attorney in Tumi Law Firm based in South Africa. 

I know this Email_ (Attonyandy114@hotmail.com) will come to you as a surprise as we have never met before, but you need not to worry as I am using the only secured and confidential medium available to seek for your foreign assistance in a business. 

 

 

And here is a piece of what I dun to his opening ploy:

 

 

My names are Mr. Sanin Raqza Raymond.  I have more, but I can't remember them just now.  Senility sucks.  Anyway, I am a janitor at an LLBean store in Johannesburg, South Africa.  However, taking a computer correspondence course from the Lagos Nigeria University of Schmuckery, I am getting a degree to be an Attorney-at-Law and Legal Adviser, as soon as I raise the $19.95 for the certificate.  With this forgotten, I am here to claim to be a close Legal Consultant to the Family of late Nelson Mandela South Africa President. I'm only the 4998th person to make this claim via email since the old communist died, but eh...mine is by far the best written of all of them.  I oughta know, because I know the dumb ass who's crafting the other emails.  He sodomizes termite-infested tree stumps in Burundi.  So...being the only senior Attorney in Tumi Law Firm based in South Africa that you'll ever need, here is my email address for your anticipated reply:  Attonyandy114@hotmail.com.  Get back to me soonest, because I don't know how long I can keep this rented computer and the water buffalo hooked to a generator that powers it.  I think I have to return it by next Friday. 

 

 

Now, this went back to him as a reply.  So a few days later, guess what I receive back from him:

 

 

Dear Sir,

I thank God that I choosed you to assist me on this project because from your enquiries,I can see that you are an honest and intelligent person that has the genuiness to help me at heart.
- The money is deposited in a bank in the carribean and thats on my first mail to you,it will be a bank to bank transfer as that is safer for both of us.
-The total deposited money is $21,000,000,000,00 i.e Twenty one million United States Dollars.
-I will always need you to assist me in investing the funds into viable and profitable business ventures in your country as I will be coming over to join you as soon as the funds is transfered into your bank account and that too is on my first mail to you.
-My reason for needing those vital informations from you such as your contact address,direct telephone and fax numbers as well as a valid identity is to enable me prepare an agreement that both of us will sign,so that there will be no betrayal of trust after the funds gets to your bank account.
-25% of the funds will be yours after transfer for your assistance and loyalty and your commitments will be for you to stand by me through out the transfer process and investments proper.
-My commitments will be to furnish you with all the relevant details and documents to ensure that you are able to transfer the funds without hassles and note that 10% of the funds will go for covering any expenses that we may incur in the course of the transfer and that also is on my first mail to you.
-65% of the funds will be mine after the transfer of the funds.
-There must be an agreement and an M.O.U. duly signed by both of us before the transfer is effected to avoid betrayal of trust as I have suffered so much on this and will not alow anyone to take it away from me just like that,I hope you understand what I mean sir?.
Sir,I will count on your years and experience in this field to guide us through this transfer smoothly.
Do furnish me with the needed informations,so that we can proceed without delay as I want this done as soon as possible,so that I can move over to your country to join you.
I await your mail and the informations today.

Your full name:
Your Phone:
Your address:
Your City:
State / Province:
Country:
Fax Number:
Date of Birth:
your Account Number :
Send me a scanned copy of your identification:

Regards to your family,
Barrister.Sanin Raqza Raymond. Esq.  

 

 

Next time, you'll see how I chose to respond to this rocket scientist of the dim bulb sect... 

It's Mandela's Turn

A scammer and his rented famdamily.

Anyone who follows the news knows that South African prez Nelson Mandela died in early December, 2013.  And it only took a little more than a month for me to receive my first scam email from someone claiming to represent the Mandela famdamily.

They must be slacking off.

Here's the opening gambit of the email I got:

My names are Mr. Sanin Raqza Raymond .  LL.B, Attorney-at-Law and Legal Adviser. Am a close Legal Consultant to the Family of late Nelson Mandela South Africa President . Am a senior Attorney in Tumi Law Firm based in South Africa.  I know this Email_ (Attonyandy114@hotmail.com) will come to you as a surprise as we have never met before, but you need not to worry as I am using the only secured and confidential medium available to seek for your foreign assistance in a business.

As you are aware,that South Africa , President Nelson Mandela.died December 5, 2013 .

There is this bank in the Carribean I assisted the Nelson Mandela family to Deposit fund with and I have the documents presently with me.  I need your assistance to transfer this funds for subsequent investments in your country as everybody is fleeing the country for safety and I am presently in the  South Africa. 

 

 

Convincing, eh?  Well...maybe to a low informationer.

 

But I took care of that with a wee bit of edit:

 

 

Dear Friend,

My names are Mr. Sanin Raqza Raymond.  I have more, but I can't remember them just now.  Senility sucks.

Anyway, I am a janitor at an LLBean store in Johannesburg, South Africa.  However, taking a computer correspondence course from the Lagos Nigeria University of Schmuckery, I am getting a degree to be an Attorney-at-Law and Legal Adviser, as soon as I raise the $19.95 for the certificate.

With this forgotten, I am here to claim to be a close Legal Consultant to the Family of late Nelson Mandela South Africa President. I'm only the 4998th person to make this claim via email since the old communist died, but eh...mine is by far the best written of all of them.  I oughta know, because I know the dumb ass who's crafting the other emails.  He sodomizes termite-infested tree stumps in Burundi.

So...being the only senior Attorney in Tumi Law Firm based in South Africa that you'll ever need, here is my email address for your anticipated reply:  Attonyandy114@hotmail.com.  Get back to me soonest, because I don't know how long I can keep this rented computer and the water buffalo hooked to a generator that powers it.  I think I have to return it by next Friday.

As you are aware -- unless you're a low information democrat watching pmsnbc and getting no news whatsoever -- South Africa President Nelson Mandela died December 5, 2013, despite the best efforts of the same doctor that tried to keep Spanish dictator Generalissimo Francisco Franco alive back in 1975 (he finally gave up in 1999 and was unemployed until Mandela was in pre-corpse mode).

There is this bank in the Carribean I assisted the Nelson Mandela family to Deposit funds pillaged from the country's foreign aid received from Europe and America, and I have the documents transcribed by a fully-trained baboon with illegible short hand, presently with me.  I need your assistance to believe that you're helping me transfer this funds for subsequent investments in your country as everybody is fleeing the country for safety and I am presently in the  South Africa, now and again typing in broken English because my Google Translate has vowel cramps.

All am asking from you is to give me your blind assurance that you can handle this transaction without too closely examining the whole deal until I have what I want and you are short what I wanted.  This message should be reserved for your self only for security reason as if one smart person you happen to know reads this, they'll f**k up my plans and schemes, and then I will wet myself continuously in frustration, because when I'm frustrated, my spchinter loses all control, dammit.

In my company E_MAIL  Attonyandy114@hotmail.com, you will see my contact details right there on my profile.  It took me and two trained orangutans two hours to make that sh** up. 

Attonyandy114@hotmail.com

yours faithfully,

Mr. Sanin Raqza Raymond (I can't remember the rest of my names). 

 

 

 

Now, bearing in mind I sent this to him -- and assuming that he'd read what I dun to his email, Ma -- you'd think that, at best, I'd get back a snarky comment.  *BUZZZZZZZZZZER*  See next post for How Dumb Is My Scammer?  Let Me Count The Ways....

No Kias or Anything Else Useful To Be Found Heah...

No, this post isn't about a cross-eyed libtard pol from Florida.

But the origin of it could have been written by her, judging from some of her public comments.

What we got heah is another well-worn lottery scam, allegedly out of the UK, under the false pretenses of Nokia Corporation.

Which is probably a half dozen Nigerians in a fly-infested internet café tent on the outskirts of Lagos.

Here's the start of their gambit:

Nokia CO-OPERATION UNITED KINGDOM

Nokia House. Summit Avenue South Wood

Marlborough Hampshire GU14 0NAG.

United Kingdom.

 

INTERNATIONAL PROMOTIONAL/PRIZE AWARD DEPT.

SCFN: UKE7/7685/010767/0112.

BATCH: 4381/2014/E7-BLX.

 

Dear Lucky winner,

 

I am  Barrister David Larry Esq , your claims/fiduciary officer, I wish to Congratulate you on your success, you are a lucky person to have been selected among the five annual lucky winners. This is to inform you that your winning amount is, 750,000 GBP this is a promotional draw which officially launches the new system, With funds accrued exclusively from previous draws, payouts to all winners are guaranteed and will be dispatch out as soon as possible via Cheque.  

You get the idea.

So to respond to my first online lottery 'win' of 2014, I let my pet rock, Seymour, do the edit.  And I think he did alright, far as pet rocks go:

Nokia Brokia 'n Stayin' That Waykia

Nokia House. Summit Avenue South Wood

Marlborough Hampshire Rutshire Wiggingoutham Winterbothambottombum GU14 0NAG.

United Kingdom of Nigeria

 

INTERNATIONAL PROPylactic AWARD DEPT.

SCFN: UKE7/7685/010767/0112.

BATCH: 4381/2014/E7-BLX.

 

Dear Lucky,

 

I hoid youse looks like a horse, so's ah'm callin' youse mug Lucky, y'know whadda mean heah?

I am playing Barrister David Larry Esq, your douche nozzle assigned to lay this bad grits on you one each on time, hokay dokay smokay pokay.  Yowza, dat's howze we talks heah in da 'hood.  Uh huh.

I wish to Congratulate you on being the foist from youse area code ta reply ta dis heah crapannaza, youse is a lucky poison...dats poison, not poison like da band, fuggetaboutdem mugs, 'heyyyyy.  Youse is gotted selected ta among whatevah email addresses what answered this h'yah thang what we sended out of the Waffle House internet café in suboiban Lagos.

What we hopes youse gonna buy inta h'yah is that youse winning amount is 750,000 GBP.  No dat's not GBP as in "Great British Pounds", jackwagon; dat's GBP as in "Great Big Pile", an' we iz a hopin' youse gonna step in it heah.  What's more, we iz promise dat what we sez youse wined are guaranteed and will be dispatch out as soon as possible via large sealed container what's smell-proofed.

This heah correspondence officially confirms that youse responded so we heah iz thinkin' youse a pigeon we kin roll, hokay fine.  Please complete the form below with correct information and email back to us with a return email.

 

1.Full Name (your real one, we can't stands fraud from those we's gonna fraud):..............
2.Address, a pants suit, a lederhosen or whatevah youse gonna wear:................
3.Marital Status before or after she finds out youse sodomize car exhaust pipes:..................
4..Occupation when youse not sodomizing car exhaust pipes :..............`
5.Age:..............
6.Last Time You Had Sex With A Car Exhaust Pipe:.................
7.Nationality:...........
8.Tel:..............

 

We wait to received an urgent feedback from you along with a fee of $250 USD paid to us in the farm of bacon bits, and I and the entire staff of Nokias Only Ox Carts Courier Corporation wish to congratulate you again.

 

Yours until we fleeces youse,

Barr. David Larry Esq.

Shift Douche Nozzle 

 

 

When one of the probably more literate members of this scam read the edit, perhaps he was a bit butt hurt or something:

 

 

you no want wht you win why no just not write? 

 

 

'Cuz I didn't want you to feel unacknowledged; at the same time, I didn't want you to have high hopes, unless you snort crack. 

 

That was apparently enough of an answer to satisfy Mr. Nokia....

 

Insure This

"When they're dead, they're dead, right?  Why take it out on the radio?" -- Peter Falk, Anzio 

Makes sense to me.

So when I checked my email spam file recently, I found this email awaiting my perusal:


Burial Insurance... Have Peace of Mind
Burials are Expensive.... Protect yourself against this final cost.  

Of course, I know what they mean.  But I was in a literal mood, and wrote back to the email spammer:


When you're dead you're dead, right?  What peace of mind comes into play when you're dead?  And why do you have to "protect yourself against this final cost", when you won't be around to have to pay it?  Last I checked, the IRS isn't yet capable of digging up corpses and shaking them down for campaign contributions for Obozo.

And -- let's just say as an example, since examples and devils advocates are all around us on the Sunday talk shows -- the decedent wasn't buried?  Let's say they're kept in cold storage in Nederland, CO?  Or cremated?  Or stuffed and mounted in the living room -- to me, a fine ironic touch -- or they're cast in wax and sold to the wax museum in Califorlornia?

What good is your insurance at that point?  Hmmmmmm?

What good would MY getting this policy be to my pet rock, Seymour?  Since he's a rock, he'll never die.  But one day I must.  Would my getting this policy benefit my pet rock?  If so, how?

Here's your chance to do what you appear to be trying to do here:  sell a product.  You sell me on this with the last question posed, and you will prove yourself a most adept salesperson, indeed.

Go ahead...make my sale.

I don't really expect a reply, of corpse....*ducking boos and throwd burial plot accouterments*