It's Mandela's Turn -- III

Okay...so you saw the opening gambit of the one and probably not only  Barrister.Sanin Raqza Raymond. Esq., as regards his effort to scam in the name of the late Marxist Nelson Mandela.

And you saw what I dun to it.

And you saw how he responded to what I dun to it (by not reading it at all).

So, what was I left to do with his empty-headed assumption that I'd accepted his offer to give me the business?

Edit it some mores:

Dear Sir,
I thank my enlarged prostrate that I choosed you to assist me on this project because I am illiterate, cannot read, and have butt polyps in my sinus passages, which cause me to wet myself when I sneeze. 

From your edited response of my original email, it remind me of song I once sort of plagiarize...I can see by your outfit, that you are a cowboy...you see by my outfit I am a cowboy too...we see by our outfits, that we are both cowboys...if you get an outfit you can be a cowboy too....

I make gold record with that song, yes?

Since I not read goodest your reply to me first times, I can see that you are an honest and intelligent person that has the genuiness to help me at heart, by having my anus surgically exchanged with my esophagus after I am drunk from too much jungle juice at a Nigerian 419 convention in Lagos.

So here's what I had in mind, before IT was surgically exchanged with my colon:

- The money is deposited in a cleft of an dysenteric elephant's butt in Rwanda and thats on my first priority to have someone with long gloves try to remove it and not get pooped or stomped in the process, as that is safer for both of us.

-The total deposited money is $21 in useless West African francs, also knowd locally as toilet paper to the primates hereabouts.  

-I will always need you to assist me in proofreading my emails because I has no ideas what any of this shit says.  I am only fluent in butt cheek fart reading, and there is not high demand for this unique skill, which I am sure you didn't know befores I tell you this.

 

-My reason for axing you for the vital informations from you such as your contact address,direct telephone and fax numbers as well as a valid identity is to enable me to have someone I know who can walk and chew meerkat nuts at the same time to prepare something of an agreement that both of us will sign -- me with my fake name, you with your reals one cuz this won't works if you are as much a douche nozzle as I ams -- so that there will be no betrayal that isn't intended in the first of places, by the place and show of the second and third places, if I understand zebra racing at Pimlico, a suburb of Lagos.

-25% of the last paragraph makes no senses to me.

-My commitments will be to furnish you with all the relevant bullshevik to ensure that you are able to figure out what I am try to do heres before I am able to do heres what I am trying to figure out to do heres.  I think.  Can you proofs that for me and tell me if it made to you senses?

-65% of that paragraph -- I think this is a long necked animal that jump from planes, which to me is not making of senses -- is even worser than the 25% one.

-There must be an agreement duly signed by both of us before I can proceeds to figure out what I ams to do here next, or nexter, because I am kindergarten drop out from Detroit.

I have suffered so much on this and will not alow anyone to take it away from me just like that,I hope you understand what I mean sir?  If you don't, then we both in troubles.

Do furnish me with the needed informations,so that we can proceed without delay as I want this done as soon as possible,so that I can get my wife and her family the new DVD movie "Transfarmers III" from that suckass movie director with the purloined name.
I await your mail and the informations today.

Your full real name because your full fake name is not going to help me help myself to your moneys:
Your Phone:
Your address...no, I didn't mean to call you a dress, I am axing for where you lives in:
Your City:
State / Province:
Country:
Fax Number:
Date of Birth, unless you was hatched then I don't think it matters much:
your Account Number :
Send me a scammed copy of your identifications:


My regards to your flushing toilet...I hopes to see one work one days,
Barrister.Sanin Raqza Raymond. Esq.   attonyandy112@hotmail.com  

 

 

It appears that this time, whatever his name is bothered to read a bit more closely my reply/edit to his email:

 

 

u are not good man. 

 

That's okay..I get by.  You? 

 

 

I guess he didn't want to explore that notion further....oh well  ;-)

 

It's Mandela's Turn -- II

Okay...last week I showed you how this goof ball Sanin Raqza Raymond -- aka attony andy -- is trying to scam and cash in on a dead mandela.  As a reminder, here's a piece of his opening ploy:

Dear Friend,

My names are Mr. Sanin Raqza Raymond .  LL.B, Attorney-at-Law and Legal Adviser. Am a close Legal Consultant to the Family of late Nelson Mandela South Africa President . Am a senior Attorney in Tumi Law Firm based in South Africa. 

I know this Email_ (Attonyandy114@hotmail.com) will come to you as a surprise as we have never met before, but you need not to worry as I am using the only secured and confidential medium available to seek for your foreign assistance in a business. 

 

 

And here is a piece of what I dun to his opening ploy:

 

 

My names are Mr. Sanin Raqza Raymond.  I have more, but I can't remember them just now.  Senility sucks.  Anyway, I am a janitor at an LLBean store in Johannesburg, South Africa.  However, taking a computer correspondence course from the Lagos Nigeria University of Schmuckery, I am getting a degree to be an Attorney-at-Law and Legal Adviser, as soon as I raise the $19.95 for the certificate.  With this forgotten, I am here to claim to be a close Legal Consultant to the Family of late Nelson Mandela South Africa President. I'm only the 4998th person to make this claim via email since the old communist died, but eh...mine is by far the best written of all of them.  I oughta know, because I know the dumb ass who's crafting the other emails.  He sodomizes termite-infested tree stumps in Burundi.  So...being the only senior Attorney in Tumi Law Firm based in South Africa that you'll ever need, here is my email address for your anticipated reply:  Attonyandy114@hotmail.com.  Get back to me soonest, because I don't know how long I can keep this rented computer and the water buffalo hooked to a generator that powers it.  I think I have to return it by next Friday. 

 

 

Now, this went back to him as a reply.  So a few days later, guess what I receive back from him:

 

 

Dear Sir,

I thank God that I choosed you to assist me on this project because from your enquiries,I can see that you are an honest and intelligent person that has the genuiness to help me at heart.
- The money is deposited in a bank in the carribean and thats on my first mail to you,it will be a bank to bank transfer as that is safer for both of us.
-The total deposited money is $21,000,000,000,00 i.e Twenty one million United States Dollars.
-I will always need you to assist me in investing the funds into viable and profitable business ventures in your country as I will be coming over to join you as soon as the funds is transfered into your bank account and that too is on my first mail to you.
-My reason for needing those vital informations from you such as your contact address,direct telephone and fax numbers as well as a valid identity is to enable me prepare an agreement that both of us will sign,so that there will be no betrayal of trust after the funds gets to your bank account.
-25% of the funds will be yours after transfer for your assistance and loyalty and your commitments will be for you to stand by me through out the transfer process and investments proper.
-My commitments will be to furnish you with all the relevant details and documents to ensure that you are able to transfer the funds without hassles and note that 10% of the funds will go for covering any expenses that we may incur in the course of the transfer and that also is on my first mail to you.
-65% of the funds will be mine after the transfer of the funds.
-There must be an agreement and an M.O.U. duly signed by both of us before the transfer is effected to avoid betrayal of trust as I have suffered so much on this and will not alow anyone to take it away from me just like that,I hope you understand what I mean sir?.
Sir,I will count on your years and experience in this field to guide us through this transfer smoothly.
Do furnish me with the needed informations,so that we can proceed without delay as I want this done as soon as possible,so that I can move over to your country to join you.
I await your mail and the informations today.

Your full name:
Your Phone:
Your address:
Your City:
State / Province:
Country:
Fax Number:
Date of Birth:
your Account Number :
Send me a scanned copy of your identification:

Regards to your family,
Barrister.Sanin Raqza Raymond. Esq.  

 

 

Next time, you'll see how I chose to respond to this rocket scientist of the dim bulb sect... 

Bottomer Of The Barrel

I was wrong...they can get even dumber.

In my last post, the concluding exchange was with a Jennifer Williams, allegedly dying and wanting me to "do God's work" on her behalf, with non-existent money. My reply -- not one to win me friends within N.O.W. -- received an oblivious-to-what-I-writ response (see previous post).

Being the kind, caring, compassionate sort that I ain't, I sent back what I thought might be a *fog-lifting* reply:

Apparently your brain is already dead and you're on life support, with a wildebeest farting in a tube what's keeping you breathing, 'cuz it's obvious you didn't read vewy well what I writ. If you're going to insist upon dragging down the collective IQ in Muguland to a minus 10,000, fine; otherwise, ye might wanna try reading my last response again.

Now, who knows who read my first reply; it's allegedly from a fly-infested internet cafe in Bumfornication, Ghana. But apparently, my follow-up reply was read by someone who was a bit more 'up' on their comprehension skills, if not on their composing ones.

For another email came yesterday, on behalf of Jennifer Williams, from a Dr. Samuel Okoronji (dr.samuelokoronji@yahoo.com), this directed specifically to "Moosefeddahs" (how my email ID reads on this account). Attached to it was this picture, purportedly of the dying Jennifer Williams...exCEPT...that this is the dozenth or so time I received this same photo under various names and scams, and this one was labeled as Mrs Amanda...*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*.

His photoshopping/labelling skills suck, too.

Anyway, "Dr." Okoronji sends me a meant-to-look official email as exactly replicated below:

Savanna Hospital Ltd PO Box CT 5753 Cantonments, Accra

Location: 32 Amugi Ave., Adabraka Accra, Accra, Ghana

Dear Moosefeddahs

i have just writed you because to tell you that you should be asham of what you did write to my dying client mrs jennifer williams an American citizen married to late Dr. Kofi Williams of Ghana who is suffering from cancer and at the verge of dead. why do you make jest to her in her our that need you as Gods servant to do her good works? i wish to you explain how one who fear God can be so much ungodlike to dying person.

Apologeze now you can still do gods work on her half. on the other hand if you are not interest in the humanitaran work for god or you will not carry out her instuctions when the funds arrive you, do not reply.

Dr. Samuel Okoronji

Chief Medical Doctor

Savanna Hopsital

Since the good "Dr" could apparently read better than his brain-dead client, I thought a simple, from the heart reply would git 'er done:

My inept Dr. Okonumbnuts,

Pardom moi, but if you operate as well as you compose, you haven't had a patient make it out of surgery during your entire career. Including the one you butchered above. But I digress.

An apology? Really? Seriously? You really expect -- after reading my first and second responses to your Play-doh-pus client -- that I would deign to actually write a sincere apology, and proceed with you and your bed blob giving me the business? You crack me up. Really. You should apply to The Onion for a job.

But I'll tell you what...you let me know when your client -- whomever she is, since you can't keep her name straight -- becomes compost, and I will mark the calendar for the 50th anniversary of that date. Lots of things are noted at their 50 year anniversaries, and I reckon that I can remember to think about a faux apology on that inauspicious occasion.

Look for an official apology on that date, in 2061.

Until then, f*** off . Oh...and seriously....a wildebeest anal breathing apparatus? Really?

I musta made Dr. Okonumbnuts, and his fly-infested internet cafe clan mad, 'cuz I got this in reply:

you not chistian. you go to hell.

He's right, of course: I'm not chistian. In the words of Rodney Dangerfield, "I'm notta doorknob either, eh...".

How much dumber can they go? Dare I ask that?