Self-Derailed Scams (aka Emails From The Proofreading Edge)

 Finding good help these days is hard.

Finding good help that wants to work, harder still.

Finding good help that knows how to proofread in Scamland, hardest of all apparently.

A few quick examples:

Good Day

Scam Compensation sum of USD$4.9 million dollars have been approve through the World Bank Mass Assisted Project Deposit Fund. This compensation payment was initiated to assist those who has failed prey to fraudulent business / communications in different categories , Inheritance, Contracts, Lottery, Romance Scam, Diplomatic Payment, Fraudulent Loan Transactions, Unsuccessful Investment transactions, bitcoin fraud , 

Those who has also failed victim of BEC Scams also known as Wire transactions, Mass project assisted fund was approved to settle failed business/scam, you are qualified to receive this approved investment funds as long as you have receive fraudulent proposal before, many people have suffered untold lost/hardship in the hands of those unscrupulous elements and evil-minded people operating all kinds of fraud/scam just to make a dirty living and misery out of innocent souls. you are entitled to receive this scam compensation funds as long as you have received a scam /fraudulent message through whichever way.

NB: You will receive further shocking clarification upon your positive response to this message and also those their business was affected by Covid-19 pandemic.

Your response is highly imminent.
Mr. James Schofield
Consultant agent (FIMS)   

I failed to receive further shocking clarification due to my less than positive response:

Yes, I can see that you and yours have approved a scam template intended to accomplish what none of your peers have so far managed.  Unfortunately, either you, your peers, or the both of you collectively, have failed to adequately proofread and vet this template for tell-tale flaws that expose it to cynical skeptism.  You may wish to re-examine your template to see what you've done here, and fix it before going forward, backward, or any direction of choice.   

No follow up suggests they chose backward.

Next:

From Office Of The Fund Actualization Committee
     (OFAC) U.S Treasury Department's
      1500 Pennsylvania Avenue,
    NWWashington, DC 20220 USA

Reply Now To Know You Receive This Mr. Jack Ewehoff,

What you thought is impossible is now clear possible because it has
been verified by the Government and Financial Authorities of the
State. We however wish to let you to know that for sure you will
receive your total fund with out any further delaying at all.

Already, your total fund has converted into the ATM Master Card, this
is to make it more easier for you to receive it with out any blocking
by any one including any office or whatever.

You have to try very harder to get this only sum of the $100 and rush
to a nearby store to buy a single i Tune or a Steam Wallet sum of the
$100 and send because this is the only required fee you are to pay
that you are to pay.

Note that your total fund in the ATM Master Card is now ready and once
the confirmation of the payment is made, it will bring to you and hand
over to you.

You Can CALL Or SMS Us Now On Phone(813)886-9029 however, we stand
with equity fairness and honest with you to receive your fund within
48hours. Kindly reply back to us now!

   Thanks
Mrs. Alice Abraham
U.S Treasury Department's
1500 Pennsylvania Avenue,
NW Washington, DC 20220 USA
E-Mail; corporateafirmheadquarters@gmail.com   

"What you thought is impossible is now clear possible"...*snort*

What I thought was impossible?  A chinese burrito.  As numerous episodes of South Park, I still do.  I never thought receiving an email like this from the likes of you to be impossible.  I get them often.

I leave to you to decide what's impossible, what's impossumbull, and the significant similarity differences therein.  Restrictions apply.

Perhaps the chinese burrito was enough to throw them off.  Nothing further from them.

Next:

Compliment of the day,
From the desk of Dr. Zongo Alex,

I am the Bill and Exchange assistant Manager in Bank of Africa
Ouagadougou Burkina Faso. In my department I discovered an abandoned
sum of eighteen million three hundred thousand United State of
American dollars (18.3MILLION USA DOLLARS) in an account that belongs
to one of our foreign customer (late MR SHITU NURI) who died in
Ethiopian Airlines Flight 409 that crashed into the Mediterranean Sea
on 25th January 2010.

Since I got information about his death I have been expecting his next
of kin to come over and claim his money because we cannot release it
unless somebody applies for it as the next of kin or relative to the
deceased as indicated in our banking guidelines, unfortunately I
learnt that all his supposed next of kin died alongside with him in
the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claim.

It is therefore upon this discovery that I decided to make this
business proposal to you and release the money to you as next of kin
to the deceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is
coming for the fund, it is 11 years now the money is lying pending in
the account of our deceased and I don't want the money to go into the
bank treasury account as unclaimed fund. You will be entitled with 40%
of the total sum, while 60% will be for me after which I will visit
your Country to invest my own share when the fund is successfully been
transferred into your Bank account,

Please I would like you to keep this transaction confidential and as a
top secret between me and you until we successfully achieve this
golden opportunity.   

Talking desks always amuse me:

So....you're so stupid, you let your desk compose and send emails like this on your behalf?

You should have chosen a smarter desk.  And or your desk should have chosen a smarter

person to be sitting at it.  Just sayin'.   

Nothing more from that scammer.

Next:

The briefcase containing your $5.5 million will arrive alongside with
the key to open it, your beneficiary fund is $5.5 million from Federal
Beneficiary Fund (FBF) Am

Diplomat Paul Ragu contacting you from US treasury department, do
contact me back for confirmation of your fund and delivery updates on
(officefiles032@gmail.com)

text(+1)7792013446)
Diplomat Paul Ragu     

Never did have much time for emailers named after spagetti sauce:

The knight in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade -- a lie in and of itself as another sequel followed -- summed it up best when referring to your chosen name for this ploy:  Ragu.  Stuff your briefcase with that, Plunger Lips. 

And yet another *cricket chirping* reply.

Finally, this one titled "Good NEWS":

You have been a lucky winner of $8.5MILLION from western union west
Africa continent as value custom who use western union transfer to
money from one country and another. Right now your first payment of
$5000 Is about to send today through western union money transfer You
are advice to Contact Mr Peter Charles with your full
information.such as

Your name......
Your country.....
Your phone number..
Your adders......

To Enable him send your First Payment of $5000 today.For more
information conta1ct Mr Peter Charles. Telephone number: +229 96739198.
Email ( wunion1771@gmail.com ) he will keep sending your payment until
your total fund is Completed $8.5MILLION.usd

Meh:

That's nice.  Someone like YOU would consider me lucky to receive an email like this from wu west Africa.  My pet rocks are not so impressed about it as you put on to be; in fact, they are highly dubious about the credibility here.  Your dubious antecedence doesn't help their pointed skeptism much, either.  Please convey to your handlers at your fly-infested internet cafe that they need much work on their template of choice, and any future ones employed.  This rather reminded me of high-jumping into a porcupine nursery.   

The silence that followed suggests to me that they're taking some portion of my suggestion to heart.  Or another part of their anatomy.

At any rate, there's one way of many to derail scams in short order.  Besides simply hitting *delete*, which my pet rocks wouldn't find near as amusing.

Exchanges With Morons

I seem to use this graphic a lot, because it seems to fit a lot.

Like my latest moron.

This clown -- which may be unfair to professional clowns every where -- sent me the same scam email, but to three of my email addresses.  Addressed from the same and different people.  I'll probably never know what his angle was meant to be, but it's one of the stupider scam efforts I've seen.

Here it is (and when you've seen one, you've literally seen them all):

Is the payroll job still avaliable? I am pretty intrested i have good background work in that area  


The email address it came from is NOT the email address that appeared when I went to reply to it:  that address was vghworld@gmail.com. 

Since I got a total of four of these emails over three accounts -- one got two addressed from different people, but with the same reply-to address -- I came up with a variety of responses.  Here's a few for example:

 -  Oh heckydarnpoo....a platypus with fabulous abacus skills was just hired for that job.  Sawwwwrrrrry.  

 -  I am pleased to tell you that after carefully reviewing your resume, your skills at sodomizing sheep won our extended amusement.  But didn't land you a job.  

 -  Pop quiz:  According to the calendar of events, your days are numbered.  If you don't see what we just did there, you aren't qualified for the job.  If you eventually figure out what we just did there, you're still not qualified for the job...an abacus figured it out immediately.  If you figured out what we just did there in a few seconds...QuickenBook is still faster....no job for you.  Regardless of what you figured out, you still didn't get the job.  We pulled it because of obozodoesn'tcare.  Return to your unemployment and widening your ass watching Oprah and eating whatever it is you eat while trying to come up with a better scam.

 -  After carefully considering your non-application and your non-resume, we have come to the non-decision that you are non-qualified for the non-job you have applied for, and it is with extreme satisfaction that we have decided that you are the non-person for the non-job. 

Non-congratulations.  When can you non-start?

Now, none of those responses generated anything in return.  But one initial response DID generate something of a dialogue with this person of dubious scamming antecedence.  Here is THAT exchange:

I'm sorry...we have filled the position with a blonde named Ubula. She can't count but dang does she fill out a sweater. ... We'll be happy to hold your resume for the next open rest room cleaning position we get.

Dude thats how you scam bait?  

It was addressed from a Fouad Elyaouti.  Naturally, I simply hadda reply:

Sometimes I just troll a shiner past 'em and wait for them to lunge from the outhouse pit to take the bait.  Other times...I just throw them an anchovy and watch the seals trample 'em.  With scammers, it's whatever woiks, dude.  

That drew this in response:

okay?  Is that all?  

It all depends on the nature of the scam "Fouad" aka "Dude"...if your scam is particularly poorly writ and longer, I have a field day deconstructing it.  If your scam is from a recognized template, I go with whatever strikes my fancy, since once you're off the template, you show yourself to be a stammering, blithering idiot of dubious antecedence.  If your scam is something simple -- like what you sent me -- you get something simple in return that even a moron like you can, in time, figure out.

Of course, if you'd like to see yourself made to look more stupid, by all means try again. 

 

'Fouad' couldn't let it go:

 

you don't make no sense of this.  

 

there was some to be made from you, 'Fouad'?  That'd be a switch. 

 

Then he comes up with this:

 

Lol i am just scam baiting other scammers lol  

 

You're in need of a great deal of work with your technique, 'Fouad'.  I'd say it's lost until fouad.  Whaddaya think on that?  

 

i am not understand of your meaning.  

 

That's obvious.  Here's something I bet you can understand:  the job you're applying for is not available right now, but if you leave your name, species and a message at the tone, we'll get back to you about a job as a trained dodo bird to do traffic control in Burundi.  You're AVA profile suggests this is perfect for you.  You in?  

 

r u for real?   

 

You didn't say if you were in for the job of being a trained dodo bird to do traffic control in Burundi.  The need is immediate, 'cuz we've been contracted to reduce swinging vine monkey collisions there.  Your AVA says you can do this.  Not much else, but you can do this.  

 

u cant be real?  

 

..he..he..he...makes you wonder, don't it?

Am I a compbot?  Am I communicating from beyond the astral bridge thanks to modern technology and ITC?  Am I actually the spirit of Curly from the Three Stooges?  Are you being made to look stupid by your own pathetic scam?

Yes, I submit.  You may return to your sodomizing goats now, Fouad. 

 

i not do that.  u r sick.  

 

Then what IS it you sodomize when you're not trying this silly sh*t, Fouad?  Probably Galapagos Island tortoises, 'cuz they're so slow.  

 

u r not real.  

 

Well I guess we'll leave it to the world wide web of internet surfers to decide that, won't we 'Fouad'? 

 

'Fouad' decided that he'd had enough of trying to 'apply for a job' with me, since he now knew that I wouldn't hire ANYONE who sodomizes Galapagos Island tortoises:

 

stop already! what kind r u?  

 

That kind, laddie.   

 

So now 'Fouad' doesn't want to play any more, now that I've revealed his secrets and ineptness.  Another one for my 'fouad and lost' scambaiting files...   *ducking boos and throwd emails* 

 

 

 


 

Scam Ambassador Transcripts -- Seeing Is "Duh!"ing

I know that my exchanges with "Ambassador Terrence McCulley" -- the US ambassador to Nigeria -- really weren't conducted with the authentic ambassador.

At least, I think I hope not.

But this series of email exchanges is a rather typical case-in-point about what happens when you get a scammer with a Third World or Washington, DC public school education, off of their talking point template.  For instance, I will recap the opening paragraph of the scammer's opening gambit:


My name is Terence Patrick McCulley, the new United States Ambassador to the Federal Republic of Nigeria. The United States Senate had confirmed my nomination on August 5 2010 after being nominated for this position by U.S. President Barack Obama on June 28, 2010. My credentials as the new Ambassador appointed were presented to His Excellency President Goodluck Ebele Jonathan at the Presidential Villa in Abuja, Nigeria, on November 2, 2010. I am a career member of the senior Foreign Service with the rank of Minister-Counselor whose diplomatic career has been spent mostly in Africa or working on African issues.


Now, as you follow the exchanges that took place between my character -- Ben Dover -- and "the ambassador", you will note a serious degradation in his grasp of the English language.  Spent too long on social engineering in his DC public skool, I reckon.  As usual, all the "ambassador" emails will be in bold, and "Ben" will respond in italics:

What an honor, Mr. Ambassador!  And I am pleased -- albeit surprised -- to receive this news from you.   Please address the courier package thus:

Mr. Ben Dover

(Bogus Street Address)

Central City, CO 80427

Thank you! 

Respectfully, 

Ben Dover

United States Consulate General Lagos
2 Walter Carrington Crescent
Victoria Island, LagosNigeria.

ATTENTION: Mr. Ben Dover

THIS IS TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE RECEIPT OF YOUR MAIL AND ALSO TO LET YOU KNOW THAT YOU HAVE TO TAKE OUR INSTRUCTION IF YOU WANT YOUR MONEY SENT TO AS STATED IN OUR PREVIOUS MAIL BECAUSE THAT IS THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN HAVE YOUR AWAITED FUND CLAIM.   

(it goes on to ask for additional information which I provide as follows):



Your Full name:       Ben U. OverYour country and city:     USA  Central City
Your home address:        (Bogus) Street, Central City CO  80427Your private phone number:   303-582-****
Your age:  45sex:   whenever I canoccupation:   professional poultry inseminatorDriver'S License:  yes I have oneState ID:  see previous answerPassport:  091164377Other government-issued photo ID:  N/A


And the email finishes off with instructions on how I wire the required $150 fund to hisself:

Mr Ben .U Over

THANKS FOR YOU EMAIL MR BEN   YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR YOUR DELIVERY OF YOUR FUNDS  WHICH IS  $150 AS SOON AS IT IS DON YOU WILL GET YOUR FUNDS YOU ARE TO SEND THE FEES THROUGH WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER

Receivers NAME: .................. OBINNA AUGUAINE OFILI  
ADDRESS:................ LAGOS-NIGERIA
TEXT QUESTION:................. IN GOD
ANSWER:................... WE TRUST
AMOUNT: ....................$150
Senders Name: ....................?
Senders Address: ...............?


HERE IS MY DIRECT CELL PHONE NUMBER FOR YOU TO CALL URGENTLY +234-8122607899.



Funny, but in checking the official US Embassy in Nigeria website, the phone numbers don't match.  Oh well...thought I was actually gonna get to talk to hisself.  Eh.


So, my response:

Your instructions received and understood.  I will visit a Western Union on Monday, April 29, and attend to it.

Ben Dover

From here, the 'ambassador' tends to show flaws in his communication skills:


Thanks mr ben your all the information we you? And why is your phone number not going. I try to call you on phone but going okay you have my number we you so you can call me by monday after send the feel okay . Thanks

Sent from WESTERN UNION OUTLET

The number I gave you is my home number, and I am at work.  I will either call or email you when I send the Western Union fee on Monday. 

Ben

It okay I wait to hear from you by monday. Thanks have a good weekend

Sent from WESTERN UNION OUTLET

I will be in touch with you by no later than Monday afternoon, without fail. 

Ben

Then comes Sunday afternoon, and I decide to start screwing with him early:

Good news, Ambassador:  I was able to attend to this a day early.  The Western Union fee of $150 has been sent as instructed.  I will look in tomorrow to hear from you when I can expect my delivery.

BTW, for a US ambassador, you sure do type funny.  Guess it's all that work overseas. 

Ben

I wouldn't be 'available' to respond to anything the 'ambassador' sent until Monday afternoon, and boy was he ever chatty:

Mr Ben how are you today thanks for your email. All you need to do is to send me the MTCN number from the western union now. As soon as we pick up the money I will get back to you on how you can get your funds okay. Thanks again am waiting for your email we the MTCN number . Thanks
Terence P. McCulley.

Sent from WESTERN UNION OUTLET

And then came this...

Mr Ben how are you today thanks for your email. All you need to do is to send me the MTCN number from the western union now. As soon as we pick up the money I will get back to you on how you can get your funds okay. Thanks again am waiting for your email we the MTCN number .
 Thanks
Terence P. McCulle

Heh...now he can't spell his own name.  Then comes this:

Mr Ben can you send me the MTCN NUMBER. From the western union . Thanks

US AMBASSADOR TERENCE P. McCULLEY.

Finally, the 'ambassador' garners a response from Ben:

Dear Mr. Ambassador, 

Yes, I can.  I'll get right on that. 

Ben

That response is not what the 'ambassador' is looking for, since his reply is all caps:

MR BEN  THANKS  FOR YOUR  EMAIL,  I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THE MTCN NUMBER? SO IF YOU HAVE SENT THE FEE OF $150. ALL YOU NEED IS TO SEND  US THE MTCN NUMBER .  PLEASE IT TO HURRY.

Yes, I did send you the fee and yes, I will send you the MTCN as soon as I find it. 

Ben

MR BEN HAVE YOU  SEE THE MTCN NUMBER NOW? BUT WHY IS YOUR NUMBER NOT GOING I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO CALL YOU NUMBER ALL THE DAY BUT NOT GOING  IS THIS NOT YOUR NUMBER ....................3035825440? YOU HAVE MY  NUMBER THEM  CALL ME  NOW.

Ambassador:  I am leaving for work now...you can't call me on my phone when I am online, because I use a dial-up connection for internet, and that number is my dial-up connection.  So sorry, but really, don't get your panties in a wad.  When I get home from work I will see what this MTCN thing is and send it to you.

WAITING TO HEAR FROM  YOU SOON. WE THE MTCN NUMBER OKAY

Sorry Mr. Ambassador...have been busy at work.  There are 10 numbers in the MTCN.  Which one do you need?

Mr how are you . Are you back from work now pleas check the MTCN number and email it to me now we have no time on our side again. So am waiting for your email now
Thanks

US AMBASSADOR TERENCE P. McCULLEY.

Dear Ambassador, I checked the number and there are, indeed, 10 digits that comprise it.  So tell me next what to do.

Ben

I have told you before now that you should send the ten digit number (mtcn control number) or better still scan the copy of the payment slip to me. If you know you can not do this then go ahead and call back your payment.

I knowd I'd piss him off sooner or later.  Now that it's sooner, let's throw some more piss on it:

Dear Ambassador: 

How would I call back my payment? 

(1)  It doesn't have a phone.

(2)  If it does, I don't know its number.

Please explain this.

As for the MTCN, I have it here.

Ben

Them send me the MTCN number now okay

US AMBASSADOR TERENCE P. McCULLEY.

I can do that...there's ten of them.  There's a 6...follered by a 9...then anudder 6...a 5...a 4...a 0...a 1..anuddah 1...anudda 7...anna 3 on the end. 

Now, how do I call back my money?  Does it have a call back number?

Ben

SEND IT THIS WAY OKAY
Receivers NAME: .................. OBINNA AUGUAINE OFILI  
ADDRESS:................ LAGOS-NIGERIA
TEXT QUESTION:................. IN GOD
ANSWER:................... WE TRUST
AMOUNT: ....................$150
MTCN NUMBER
Senders Name: ....................?
Senders Address: ...............?
HERE IS MY DIRECT CELL PHONE NUMBER FOR YOU TO CALL URGENTLY +234-8122607899.

So you want it to be sended looking like this? 

Receivers NAME: .................. OBINNA AUGUAINE OFILI  
ADDRESS:................ LAGOS-NIGERIA
TEXT QUESTION:................. IN GOD
ANSWER:................... WE TRUST
AMOUNT: ....................$150
MTCN NUMBER
Senders Name: ....................?
Senders Address: ...............?
Okay...I'm sending it that way.

Ben

YES

US AMBASSADOR TERENCE P. McCULLEY

That's how he want it...that's how he get it:

Good.  Here it is, just as you asked: 

Receivers NAME: .................. OBINNA AUGUAINE OFILI  
ADDRESS:................ LAGOS-NIGERIA
TEXT QUESTION:................. IN GOD
ANSWER:................... WE TRUST
AMOUNT: ....................$150
MTCN NUMBER
Senders Name: ....................?
Senders Address: ...............?

Thanks for that but no mtcn number again why. Can you go back to the bank and as them for the mtcn number them email it to me okay

US AMBASSADOR TERENCE P. McCULLEY.

Ambassador:  yes, I could go to a bank and ask them about this.  But I didn't go to a bank; I went to Western Union.  Western Union wired the money for me, not a bank.  And Western Union is in all kinds of places, as I'm sure you know, having been here before going to all those foreign venues.  So, I could go to a bank...but why?  Didn't I just send you exactly what you wanted, in exactly the manner you wanted it?

Ben

This scammer is patient if he's anything; he REALLY wants this $150.  So he responds:



Okay them go back to western union and ask them to show you the mtcn number okay them send it to me now am waiting thanks

US AMBASSADOR TERENCE P. McCULLEY.

Okay, if you insist I must...but the Western Union I went to won't be open until 8am my time.  It is now 5:23am my time.  What time is it for you, Ambassador?

It is 12.30pm my time,so am waiting for your email them thanks

US AMBASSADOR TERENCE P. McCULLEY

So I wait two and a half hours, and then we start up again:

Mr. Ambassador, I went to the Western Union from whenst I sent the $150, and I told them what you told me to tell them.  And they were great:  they gave me a copy of the same receipt I already have, so now I have two.  I can mail one to you if you like.

I am at your service.

Ben

send a copy of it.to me now am waiting for the copy


Okay, what's your mailing address?  I'll get it out in the mail today.

Ben

THIS IS MY EMAIL ADDRESS ............ terencemcculley2010@gmail.com   so send me the copy of it now am waiting for that  now

I know your EMAIL address.  If you want me to send you this copy, I need your regular mail address.  I don't have a working scanner to scan it in.

I think I'm wearing him down finally:


I will advice you send it if you are serious about getting your fund.

US AMBASSADOR TERENCE P. McCULLEY.

Ambassador, I don't think I care for the tone of your email voice.  You aren't acting very ambassadory here.  I have followed your instructions in the spirit which they were intended, and now that I got you an extra copy of the receipt, you won't give me your mailing address to send it to you.  You are the one, I remind you, that contacted me with this deal; I had no clue about it before hearing from you.  You're a diplomat; start acting diplomaty and make this work.  You want the receipt copy, GIVE ME YOUR MAILING ADDRESS.

Diplomats are supposed to have great patience and aplomb, rising to difficult occasions with finesse and diplomatic rhetorical flourishes, or so I thought.  Which perhaps proves that this next is NOT from a real ambassador:


you r not serious.  you wast much my times to this.  i with you no more.


And just when I was getting to enjoy his patience at collecting a mere $150.  Oh well:

Ambassador by AMC;

I guess that, by your refusal to provide a mailing address, you really didn't need the western union receipt after all.  Bad ambassador.  Very very bad ambassador.

Of course, it did occur to me that you have never actually been THE ambassador, Terrence P. McCulley; you might have been a Nigerian pretending to BE him, since you'd probably cooked and eaten our US ambassador.  I know things are a bit backward and primitive in parts of Nigeria that way.

Let me advice you a few things, since you obviously don't want to collect the money I sent you via Western Union:  next time you purport to use the seal of the US ambassador to Nigeria, understand that generally speaking, the seal doesn't bark.

Just sayin'.

Since I never heard back from the real ambassador when this nonsense started, perhaps I'm not offbase to assume that my just-concluded Nigerian DID eat the ambassador.

Eww.