Yes, There Is One...Now

Yes, I suppose there IS such a thing as an alligator orgasm.

My pet rock, Seymour, asked my suitcase about it, but wasn't satisfied with the answer.

I didn't expect him to be; it's not an alligator bag.

But we're not here for that.  No...we're here for even weirder.

Sometimes, I have to seek inspiration for a response to a very VERY typical scam email.

Seymour suggested that I seek that inspiration in an episode of South Park. 

I did.  It probably won't work for the scammer, and perhaps not for some members of a peculiar cultish religion.

But it worked for me.

Bannister David Ian Sharp thought his initial email would sucker me into a share of an $8.2 million USD pay day, courtesy of a dead client of his.

But Bannister David Ian Sharp was about to walk that fine line between reality and abject absurdity...and then ever so abruptly cross it, as he was about to find himself edited into....The Skunkfeathers Zone:


Barr.David Sharp.
14 Gray's Inn Square
London, WC1R 5JP

Holy Hork Church of Scammintology
DX: LDE 399
t: 020 7242 0858

Attn: Sir/Madam,

I am Barrister David Ian Sharp, a solicitor and personal lawyer to late prophet

Mo.Ron Howard Zinnwinkee, who was the original author of Mo.Ronetics, THE

epistle and bowel movement to our Holy Hork Church Of Scammintology.

 

 

Our late prophet, Mo.Ron Howard Zinnwinkee had been closely involved
in traditional family business of pearl diving in the Detroit River and a well known
animation pedophile, before he discovered the deep seated secrets of the inner

human mind through various and sundry manipulations and other DNC talking

points sh*t like that, and he revealed all those secrets in his book and to his Holy Hork

Church of Scammintology, before he died of genital lymphnoid dorkadorkanosis. 

 

 

Before he was resurrected to live in eternal chili con carnage by an AlGore-looking

thing some have dubbed bearpigJoeBidumb -- and others just call it an uber dumbass -- 

Mo.Ron Howard Zinnwinkee made a Will with me ( My Chambers ) stating that all the

monies he'd scammed from celebrities and lesser peoples across the planet of

Earth were because they were depressed due to cretin levels of an ancient malady

called marxian gulliblesis, brought on by an evil galactic empire of dwarf cretins

led by George Soros Darth Zenu and his twin pet zorblats, Barack and Hillary.

 

 

That monies comes to well over $8.2Million USD (in disguised Iraqi dinar), and is

currently sealed in a vault deep beneath Al Capone's, which is zealously guarded by

the botox twins of Bela Pelosi and Sheila Jackson Lee.  I have therefore decided to

make an electronic random draw on emails and your e-mail address was picked second;

Shrek's was first, but he's animated and was disqualified by a committee of fart-sensitive

environmentalists. 

 

 

Can you assist me in getting past the sentinel Bela Pelosi/SJL botox things, so that our

Holy Hork Church of Scammintology can access these funds for the greater good

of building missionary fly-infested internet cafes all across Dubai?  You may ask why

Dubai, but we've looked the world over, and only Dubai will do be do.

 

 

It is my utmost desire to execute the Will of my late prophet -- thy pizza be done

and delivered hot 'n fresh in 30 minutes or your next one's free -- and it is thus that

you are required to contact me immediately to start the process of a great quest to

once more defeat the machinations of a long-ago dead liberal doofus and deliver

the aforementioned pizza before we have to give away a freebie.  I urge you to
contact me without the NSA detecting your communication either by way of my

above phone number Or email me immediately on davidsharp11@lawyer.com for

further secret and confidential communications, with CON being the operative

key to this deal.

Please act fast as supplies are limited and I hope we could work together as a

team of Occupy Goat Paddocks to execute this act on behalf of our late prophet,

Mo.Ron Howard Zinnwinkee and his Holy Hork Church of Scammintology.

 

 

I shall educate you further on this project, the philosophies and assorted ad

hominum hocus bukum therewithin, once you have secured with me secure

and NSA-free communications.

 

 

Looking forward to hear from you.

Regards,

Barr.David Ian Sharp. 

 

 

I've heard nothing back from the likely astonished bannister; but it's rumored I'll hear from Tom Cruise's attorney shortly...to whom Seymour says:  "PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTT!"

 

You're getting really good at that, Seymour.

The FBI Must Be Bored

Yeppers...I managed to piss off the "FBI" yet again.

Not that it's the real "FBI"...but those foreign jackwagoned nippleheads in the fly-infested internet cafes keep trying to convince me of their authenticity.

Or in this case, one of my siblings.

This time, my sister got the 'email' from the FBI telling her about a fund she's entitled to.

This 'FBI' orifice was allegedly in Seattle.

Granted, Seattle probably has such an office, if the anarchists there haven't knocked out all the windows.

At any rate, Sis sent me the email.  And I had a bit of fun widdit before returning it to the "FBI":

Federal Bureau of Investigation Anti-Uncle and International Lookinspeepers Division. Federal Bureau Of Investigation Seattle/Puget Sounds Branch, Washington, USA

ATTN: SURVEILLED


This is to Officially inform you that it has come to our notice and we have thoroughly completed an Investigation with the help of our Intelligence Monitoring Network System -- with help from our unacknowledged friends at the NSA -- that you like to dance around naked in your home, farting the Macarena.

Seriously.....WTF?

During our investigation we further discovered that you seem to know where our unacknowledged friends of the NSA have covertly (we thought) placed the cameras and microphones that have recorded this peculiar hobby of yours; you always seem to fart LOUDEST and do visually UNSPEAKABLE THINGS in the closest possible proximity to our devices.

Normally, we would deny repeatedly and vociferously any such surveillance activities by our unacknowledged and plausibly deniable friends at the NSA. But lately, those sick bastards have been piping their videos of YOU doing your naked and farted Macarena routine to our monitoring center in Langley.

We lost an entire recruiting class thanks to you. Douche Nozzle.

We are hereby requiring you to cease and desist at once these peculiarities of yours. The trauma you are inflicting on our surveillance staff is so bad, some of them have taken to beaming your videos into North Korea, causing Kim Jong Un to threaten war with Liechtenstein unless we send you over to perform this mating ritual for him in person.

Seriously, dude....this is worse than anything South Park could have thought up.

Worse...Nancy Pelosi is starting to fart along to the music video one especially sick bastard at the NSA made for a (lack of) intelligence briefing. Though, it did render Dianne Frankenfeinstein speechless. That's a rarity, and almost caused us not to write to you.

Anyway, we need you to signal your consent to cease and desist this activity at once by emailing same to: CONTACT AGENT NAME: Agt Jamar Anderson E-MAIL ADDRESS: info.fbi.muller@aol.com

Normally, you would be required to e-mail him with the following information: FULL NAME: ADDRESS: CITY: STATE: ZIP CODE: DIRECT CONTACT NUMBER:

But the NSA already has all that, to our and their unacknowledged regrets.

Please include this completely meaningless code so that my boss, Robert "Gainesburger" Mueller, can identify this transaction :

EA2948-910-RUPH**KINGKIDDINGME.

This letter will serve as proof that the Federal Bureau Of Investigation is officially unofficially contacting you with thrice-asserted plausible deniability, heretofore and anytime after five, in so far as anyone is able to discern therewithin and aforeby therefrom. Please get back to me on what you think I just said. Not even my secretary knows. And she knows everything, including about my affair with Bobo the Wonder Manatee.  Please find below an authorized signature which has been signed by the a lab monkey at our FBI training center in the basement of the DNC in Washington, DB. He's been acting director of the FBI since Robert Mueller went to Trinidad, CO, for a sex change.


FBI Director Robert Mueller.
NSB Seal (if it barks, throw it a fish)
Authorized Signature
NSB SEAL ABOVE
NOTE: PLEASE GAWDDAMMIT, STOP WITH THAT NAKED FARTING MACARENA ROUTINE USING J. EDGAR HOOVER FEATHER BOAS!!!!!!!!


So far, nothing from the FBI or NSA, thought I'm sure both have by now read this...as for the originating scammer, I think he's struggling with the notion of dancing to a farted version of the Macarena....
 

Seymour 'Edits' Again

Seymour -- my pet rock -- is in an ornery mood.  His Arkansas trip is temporarily delayed, and he's antsy to be off.  This put him in a dour frame of mineral.

In perfect time for a Wall Street Journal article on the NSA's domestic spying program.

Seymour's *TOING* was heard probably by my neighbors.

They're getting used to that kind of thing from Seymour these days.

I'm sure that neither the NSA nor WSJ will endorse what's to follow.  Nor, for that matter, will the DNC.  Then again, Seymour doesn't care:

NSA surveillance snoops a bunch of U.S. Internet traffic looking for intelligence: WSJ*

(Rotoreuters) - The National Security Agency's surveillance network is turribly frustrated. The WSJ reports that it has the capacity to reach around 75 percent of all U.S. Internet communications in the hunt for any signs of intelligence in the Democrapic National Crapmittee and their assordid apparatus, the Wall Street Journal reported on Tuesday.


Citing current and former NSA officials, the newspaper said the NSA is so far coming up with not one shred of intelligence anywhere in the DNC. Joe Bidumb's three working brain cells don't rise to the level of detectable by the NSA's snooping apparatus, and that leaves Sheila Jackson Lee, Nancy Bela Pelosi, and Hillary Rodehard Clinton completely off the search radars as they register less, officials have publicly disclosed.


The Journal said the agency keeps hoping that they'll find someone within the DNC that can muster four working brain cells, which is the lowest common detectable level their snooping apparatus can detect.


“We had hoped to get emanations from the White House or Washington press corpse” an anonymous source said, “but if not even Piers Moron and Chris “Tingles” Matthews can be detected at or above the level of Joe 'The Brain' Bidumb, then we're in a stupider state of affairs than we realized”.


The NSA's filtering, carried out with telecom companies, looks for any kind of intelligent life on the left side of the spectrum, in a feeble effort to prop up their current boss, Barry Soetero (or whoever he is), the paper said.


But officials told the Journal the system's focusing on the Left makes it more likely that purely stupid, inane and totally unreadable emanations may and perhaps eventually will result.


In response to a request for comment, NSA said its hunt for intelligent life on the Left is “something akin to trying to find an authentic unicorn. Either we will or we won't. So far, it's a big fat won't”.


The Journal said that these surveillance and intelligence-hunting programs show the NSA works for an abject moron, and has since 2009.


Ed Schultz, a test dummy for the NSA's intelligence seeking apparatus, went undetected, while a termite-infested tree stump registered. 
 

(Reporting by Sebastian Lipshitz, Editing by Seymour PetRock)

* and 100% of WSJ's after this article...  


Of course, Seymour doesn't have to worry about a nastygram from the NSA or WSJ:  but I'll be more than happy to respond to any from the dumbass-laden DNC.....

Key Bank's Unsent Email

It was very nice and considerate of Key Bank to send me an alert that my online account access had possibly been compromised, and I needed to address it at once.

Through the link that Key Bank so generously provided me.

Too bad I don't have an account of any kind with Key Bank.

But why should that stop me when it comes to editing same?

It didn't:

Subject: Unlock Your DoucheNozzle Bank Account

	Dear Low Information, Dumbed Down Customer:   No, dumbass, we're not really Key Bank...we're DoucheNozzle Bank, and we're here to dupe you and pillage your ID and real bank account.  Yes, that's what we do.  That's all we do, being low-life scum of dubious antcedence and having voted for the worst potus in the history of the world, the puke who's first name sounds like you're throwing up...."Baa-RRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCKKKK!"      Now, to the scam...Your Primary Security questions requires update. Uh huh...yuppers.  Your last Sign In from your IP generated errors on your account due to one of your Trojan rubbers having obtained a virus from the last slut you banged, and now it's raping your computer (as we hope to be doing shortly).  For this reason your Online Banking will remain LOCKED (not really) until You reconfirm your identity (oh please oh please oh PUH_LEEEEEASE!).   To begin the ID theft and account butt f**king, click on the link below to start the verification process.   ...oh f**k...some asshole removed it....   Note: This is an automated alert, deliberate wrong input may lead to closure of your account and will be criminally pursued, all of which is a jackwagon load of scammer bullsh**. Thanks for choosing           DoucheNozzleBank to f**k up your fiscal life.               This e-mail contains information directly related to our efforts to f**k you financially, Nothing else. DoucheNozzle Bank offers not one f**king thing of any value whatsoever.  We're here only to f**k people over, because we're too f**king lazy and assholeish to ever try to be productive, honest people.  We'll f**k you over – whether it's a checking account, a credit card or a home equity line of credit. Copiedwrong ©2013 DoucheNozzle Bank Financial Group. All rights waived the moment you click the link, Asshat. Reproduction in whole or in part in any form or medium without express written permission of DoucheNozzle Bank Financial Group is going on in fly-infested internet cafes all over the Turd World, and we fervently hope with as much success as we're hoping with from you.      I didn't expect any kind of a response from these folks.  I didn't get one.  But I did get a follow up email from the US Navy Credit Union...with the same drivel.   I think I'll let Seymour have at that one....he's always been a good anchor thing when it comes to ships...   "PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTT!"

Reading, Writing, 'Rithmetic...All Lacking

It's mooo bad that my next scammer couldn't captivate me the way she captivated the herd.

You can tell that they're udderly fascinated.

Moissis Mark...one of the dumber bulbs in email scamdom.  And he proves it repeatedly.

He started with a simple email scam about online loans.  He sent it to two of my scambaiting accounts.

In both cases, I played him from each account, using the same character.

He never got it.

But you'd figure that out in short order with him, when you see what I did to his original email:


We suck.  Let us prove it to you.  Apply to us now, we offer nothing worth a sh*t at 3%

NAME (yours or someone you don't like much): .....................................
Amount of whatever you think we gots to loan: ............................
Masturbation or just hand jive: .................................
Porpoise or dolphin: ..........................
Age when you first realized that sh*t and chocolate were not the same: ......................................
Address or lederhosen: ..................................
Country or urban sprawl: ..................................
Phone or carrier pterodactyl: .............................
What do you do when you're not picking lint out of your ass: ...............................
Monthly period or other grammar things: ...........................
Do you speak English ......................

Why don't you speak Sengalese .............................

If you could have sex with Sandra Fluke or a goat, why do you choose the goat ..................

If you democrat, why were you not aborted .................................

In 100 words or less of a language we can read, tell us what Melissa Harris Perry can do with her tampons ....................

 

 

His response to that was to send me the same original email AGAIN.  So, I tried a second edit:

 

 

Allllllllll Aboarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd!
We are now boarding a special train we call the Mugu Express To Zimbabwe!

And we need MUGUS to put their asses in every seat possible!

Will you be my MUGU?

Pretty PUH-LEASE????

 

If you'll be my MUGU, I will buy your ticket!

Please fills out the informations bellow if you'll be my MUGU:

 

 

NAME: .....................................
AGE: ......................................
ADDRESS: ..................................
COUNTRY: ..................................
PHONE: .............................
OCCUPATION: ...............................
MONTHLY INCOME: ...........................
Do you speak English ......................

Do or don't you know what Mugu means .....................

 

If you won't be my MUGU, f**k you and everyone who looks like me.

 

Moissis Mark

Mugu Master

Zimbabwe Sucks Travel Agency
unitedbankofafrica.uba.loan@gmail.com

"And You Think Detroit Sucks?"

 

 

And his response to this?

 

 

go and make the payment of 5
$500 

 

 

And with that, we're back and forth:

 

 

And to whom would I make this payment of 5 $500? 

To the managing director, you are to scan and send the copy of the
payment slip to this email:moissismark@gmail.com 



Why sure...anything for a pal.  

 

 

To the managing director, you are to scan and send the copy of the
payment slip to this email:moissismark@gmail.com

 

 

Did you get the payment slip?  Do you require further payment slips? 

 

 

(you'll note it appears my scammer is locked in a Ground Hog Day stupid loop)

To the managing director, you are to scan and send the copy of the
payment slip to this email:moissismark@gmail.com 

 

 

So I sent you the slip.  What now, genius? 

GOOD DAY, we just want to inform you that the management is still
waiting for your payment slip.

pls fill the below in-order for the payment slip to be view properly

NAME    Moissis MarkCOUNTRY   UKAMOUNT  $1995QUESTION  WhatANSWER   The F**k
SENDER  Ben DoverRECEIVER Moissis Mark's vagina 


As you noted, I filled out his questions.  His response:


Thanks for your co-operation, the management require the payment code
and every details in the payment slip since they are unable to view
it,

Note you are to tick the following name below:

WESTERN UNION..........
MONEY GRAM........ 


It was sent Western Union. 



Thanks for the mail, all we are asking for now is the western union
code for verification. hope to hear from you soon 


Is this soon enough?  What western union code, please? 



pls fill the below in-order for the payment slip to be view properly

NAME......................................
COUNTRY.................................
AMOUNT.................................
QUESTION................................
ANSWER..................................
SENDER..................................
RECEIVER...............................
SECURITY CODE............................ 


what is security code please? 



pls fill the below in-order for the payment slip to be view properly

NAME  Moissis Mark
COUNTRY  NigeriaAMOUNT  $500QUESTION  VasANSWER   Das Phokk
SENDER  Ben Dover
RECEIVER  Moissis Alou
SECURITY CODE   morse? 


As you can see, I answered him.  Next:



GOOD_DAY, we are still unable to receive your payment, pleas give use
the correct details,
You are to notify this office with a scan copy of your payment slip and also,

send the following information to our office via e-mail as they appear on the

payment slip.

Information Needed
1. Sender First/Last Name.....................................
2. Country..............................................................
3. Money Transfer Control Number (M.T.C.N).............
4. Amount Sent.......................................................

Note:
1. Please, provide us with a scan copy of your driver's license or
international

passport for proper verification as real lucky winner of the fund.  


"real lucky winner of the fund"?  This was supposed to be a loan scam!  I do love it when scammers confuse their victims, identities and scams.


 

I already sent you the scanned copy of the payment.  But if you insist, I'll send it again.

 

Sender's first and last name is me, you dummy.  You know...me.

Country is USA

MTCN is ten digits and is on scanned slip.

Amount sent is what you insisted upon:  $500

As to being "real lucky winner of the fund", HUH? 



we are unable to view the copy you send to us because it is too small,
you need to enlarge it so we can view  the MTCN properly .hope to hear
from you soon . 


I put enzyte on it and it didn't help.  Works for Bob, but not for the receipt.  How do I enlarge it?  



can you copy the MTCN on the slip to us 


Yes, I can do that.  Would you like it copied in italics, bold, kanji script, cyrillic, or roman numerals, and when would you like it? 


we need that now 


Don't you just HATE when they ignore the questions and try to speed things along?


Oh...okay.  Coming up.  


 we need that now pls  


The number you request is ten digits in length, and is listed on the receipt under Money Transfer Control Number? 



yes.  why u make this hard.  i dont get you 

I don't see why not.  I sent you the receipt.  The number you want is on there.  I fail to understand why I need to send it to you.  But I will if you insist. 

 

 

but we can not found anything here 

 

 

whaddaya mean, you can not found anything there.  I sent it!  I have the receipt. 

yes we insist you send the mtch now 


always fun to capitalize on their typos:

what is the mtch?  I thought you wanted the mtcn?  I am confused. 

 

 

why don't you send the mtcn number on the slip to us, just type the
number  and send it to us 

 

 

Why didn't you say so?  The number is 31 when added together. 

are you sending the mtcn of not ? 


I just sent you that it's 31 in total.  Why, do you need each of the numbers?  



  we dont get pls 

What don't you get?  The number equals 31.  There are ten numbers that together equal 31.  How hard is that to understand? 

 

 

we need the ten digit of  the MTCN 

 

 

ohhh...you want the individual digits!  Okay 

 

 

After a few minutes, I send him the made-up mtcn...in Spanish numbers.  I quickly learn he doesn't like that:

 

in your ear well well

 

 

I thought you wanted the numbers...you want my ear now? 

 

 

ewa 

 

 

can't make out what it is you want.  You want the numbers, an ear or an ewa? 

u done. 


Oh goodie!  Can I go now? 


no did not, why dont you just send the number why all game? 

What..you're not Spanish? 

 

 

prik

What have you got against Spanish? 


Alas, I'll never get to know what Moissis Mark has against Spanish.  Say Laguerre.  La vie.  Whatever.  

Hospitably Speaking

A dying refugee from Trinidad & Tobago -- in a hospital in Ivory Coast -- wants me to save her son from her evil stepmother.

Didn't Disney already cover this a couple different ways?

I'm sure South Park did. 

Anyway, Felicia Luna is counting on my help.

What she wasn't counting on was my editing help.

Now, I wasn't to reply to her; she be dying in a hospital in Ivory Coast.  But....I was to contact her son, Martins Henry.  And Martins would get me in touch with their lawyer, who'd arrange for me to access their $3.5 Million USD that Luna's evil stepmother is after.

It didn't take long for a *TOING* to dictate to me the direction the edit would take:


Subject: standing here in horsepiddal

 

 This is Miss Felicia Luna from Trinidad &Tobago. I am writing to you while standing in a puddle of horsepiddal in Ivory Coast, therefore this mail is very urgent, I am dying for someone to explain to me why I am standing in a puddle of horsepiddal, which is rapidly forming quicksand under my feet, which i don't know what tomorrow will be. I was told by my local witch doctor that i was poisoned and to counteract it I had to find and stand in a puddle of horsepiddal. 

 

 

Am I gullible or what?

 

 

Only now, as I am sinking into the quicksand formed by the puddle of horsepiddal -- it was probably more than one big ass horse that piddaled here -- do I learn that the witch doctor and my evil step mother that wants to kill me by having me stand in a puddle of horsepiddal, while the ground beneath the puddle turns to quicksand.  Why would they want do this, you ask?  Or perhaps you ask this more eloquently than I write it, yes?

 

 

Well to either and or either way of expressed, my late father who let Ivory Coast militia molest me from time I was 18 -- he charge them per hour -- he make $3.5 million Dollars before he die when he try to use ananconda to snake a plugged drain, and ananconda get pissed and eat him.  Anyways, I rightly inherit this money and my evil step mother and her witch doctor are after me because I has pictures of them doing unspeakable things with circus monkeys and llama in Mozambique.  They know that if I expose them to PETA, it will not be much of a thing, because they can leave PETA in jungle to be eaten by the same pissed off anaconda that eat my father.  But they want me to sink in quicksand puddle of horsepiddal  so that they can get my money and open a sex change clinic for pandas in Hong Kong.

 

 

Don't ask me...she's evil, and he's a witch doctor.  Draw your own conclusions.

 

 

So i want you to help me (a) first out of this quicksand puddle of horsepiddal, and then (b) out of this country with the money.

 

 

Since I am mired in an earthly, horsepiddalish slime just now, I want you to contact my favorite Martins with below information. Martins Henry Address: Avenue 22, Rue 12, Cocody, Abidjan 16, Cote d'Ivoire. Email: hmartins010@yahoo.co.jp  Tel: +225-67495207.  After he ask you "WTFs is this alls about", and you tell him, I am sure he will get here with a rope or ladder or backhoe or some kinda sh*t to get me out of this quicksandish puddle of horsepiddal. 

 

 

You do that, and I will share some of my money with you, after I deduct costs of (a) getting out of country (b) killing my evil step mother and witch doctor by dropping Michael Moore on them and (c) getting hosed off and disinfected from all this horsepiddal I am sinking in.  It smells.  And in the heat here, it smells worse.

 

 

But at least the flies don't like it...that is one good something.  Mebbe I can make fly repellent out of quicksandish puddle of horsepiddal and sell to makes money, yes?

 

 

If I don't gets out of this, don't you steals my idea now.

 

 

Anyway, you contact Martins and he will direct you to a well known lawyer that i have appointed to him, the lawyer will assist you to help me and protect my interests until I can market the horsepiddal fly repellent in your country.   

 

 

Note; This should be a code between you and Martins when you contacts him:  "horsepiddal".  Use this in any mail with him, the Lawyer he will direct you to, without this code "Horsepiddal" is not from the Martins, the Lawyer or myself as I don't know what will happen to me in the next few hours, although I can guess if I am not liberated from the quicksandish puddle of horsepiddal.

 

 

  And Let Martins send you his International passport to be sure of whom you are dealing with. Martins is so stupid and low information that you'll need to guide him. And if I don't hear from you, I will look for another person or an organization with what little time I have left as I'm now past my vagina in this quicksandish puddle of horsepiddal.

 

 

Please do not forget to contact Martins Henry with hmartins010@yahoo.co.jp and remind him to come get my ass outta this sh*t.

 

 

 Miss Felicia Luna

 

Since she's supposed to be dying, I doubted I'd hear from Felicia.  So far, Martins is proving to be a disappointment.

I did get a nastygram from a relative of Mr. Ed....

Whacking Great Gibberish

An employee of the Royal Bank of Scotland has a deal for me.

Or so he says he is.

He sent me one of the longest emails I've ever received from a scammer, to (a) introduce himself (b) explain his scheme and (c) justify my role in it.

He claims that "banks all over the world do this without people knowing".

Perhaps so.

But Mr. Timothy Briggs didn't reckon on sending his bookish epistle of efraud to an e-diter of same.

I won't bore you with his lengthy scree; in the end, you know what it was gonna come down to.  Instead, I'm going to bore you with what I done to his scree, and shared with numerous persons of good and not so good antecedence:

Bloody good of you to respond, ol' bean.

I know this is an unconventional way of introducing a big and potentially bad load of haggis to you, but I however want you to take your time to read my letter carefully.  Once you do, you will understand the necessity for a thorough bowel cleanse.  Please try to do it without the mixture they

use to douche with.  Just saying.

 

 

I got your e mail address from the Ministry of Commerce Directory.  Here in Scotland, that's bloomin' etchings on a public restroom wall.  What the bloody else do we have to do in there until we're dunny?

My name is Timothy N Briggs.  Don't laugh; it's the name my handler gave me for this particular role.  Personally, I wanted to be Carlos Danger, but some bloody Yank running for mayor of NYC kiped that one, leaving me with either Timothy N. Briggs or Twiggy The Wonder Tampon.

 

 

You can see why I took the former.

 

 

I am contacting you concerning a deceased customer we have on ice in our cold deposit storage units in Nederland, CO.  It's also where we keep donated sperm samples for societal elites, endangered species, and for turkeys to keep their Thanksgiving supply in good repair.  Sometimes we send the wrong semen sample when an elite wants to test tube fertilize and egg; as a joke, we include stuffing, just in case we sent the wrong one.

 

 

Whacking great fun, wot?

 

 

I contacted you independently and no one is informed of this communication, not even the bleedin' NSA.  Bloody wankers think they can read and make some kind of sense of THIS? 

 

 

I would like to intimate you with certain facts that I believe would be of interest to you:

In 1874, a constipated mathematician figured out that he could work it out with a pencil.  Lo and behold, in 2013 that same mathematician is dead.  Would you conclude that working it out with a pencil killed the mathematician?  If you're a bloody low information democrat, that's what you'd come up with.

 

 

Bloody wanker.  The proper answer is, the pencil had nothing to do with the dead mathematician.  Chronology did...a grandfather clock fell on him.

 

 

You see why I told you to read this bloomin' email carefully.

 

 

Now...on 6000 traditional stocks and bond managers and 2000 managers of alternative investments, not one of these persons of dubious antecedence made a dime on buying and selling spoiled haggis.  But because they all have one thing in common -- vaginal transplants from ducks -- they all quack.

 

 

Are you discerning a pattern here? 

 

 

In mid 2006, a Chinese entremanure named Tai Kwan Duk discovered that if the speed of light and the speed of sound were juxtaposed, you'd have a third less speed than your regular sound.  Or was it the other way around?  We can't ask him, because during a martial arts demonstration, he was killed by the tree he was trying to levitate using The Force.

 

 

The tree generated more.  I told him not to use a fossilized sequoia.  Eh.  Bloomin' idiot took it for granite.

 

 

Bloomin' see what I just did there?

 

 

After 9/11, I tried to get a simple answer to the question:  2 or 20?  I can't ask the dead and constipated mathematician.  So I am asking you:  2 or 20?

 

 

I contacted my affiliate here in London and got a cockney on the phone by accident.  Does anyone bloody know what a cockney is saying half the bloody time?  Krikey!

 

 

I undertook all the processes and made sure I followed the instructions in the Cookbook of Cannibals, on how to baste a wombat penis for maximum flavor.

 

 

And it still tasted like chicken.

 

 

We were soon enough able to identify the body of an olive rapist in the south of France and determined that his cause of death was the pits.

 

 

Popeye had nuthin' to do widdit.  The Cartoon Network immediately launched an investigation into possible violations of animations, but all we could learn was that Jessica Rabbit really is drawn that way.

 

 

Did you know that primate banking clients, apart from not having any fiscal sense, stick their fingers in their bums, sniff their sh*t, and then faint?  I learned this at a Jay Carney press conference.  And it's the only bloody thing I learned.

 

 

My official capacity dictates that I rinse my mouth out, once a year, with camel urine.  It is known for it's ability to make you spew liquid 50 yards away.  It's even more effective when you're told what it is AFTER you've sucked up a mouthful.

 

 

The world of primate banking especially is fraught with huge coconut and banana fights for those who occupy certain branches in the right trees. 

 

 

By now -- and careful reading of the contents herein as I admonished you to -- you should have begun by now to put together the general direction of what I propose:  the removal of every penis from every Islamic man in the Middle East.  Then let the bastards try to dick with us.  Jolly good show, wot?

 

 

You may not know this but people like myself who have undergone operations to replace our human genitilia with that of piranha, experience a 100% increase in eating our dates.  Or at least giving them hickeys in hard-to-explain places.

 

 

I have evaluated the risks and the only risk I have here is from you refusing to work with me and alerting my wife that I've been poking her with a piranha penis since 2009.  Don't be a douche nozzle and tell on me.

 

 

Please observe this instruction religiously. Please, again, note I am a family man, I have a wife, children and a piranha penis. I send you this mail not without  a measure of fear as to what the consequences, but I know within me that nothing ventured is nothing gained and that when the chips are down the buffalo is probably empty.

 

 

This is the one truth I have learnt from my days of artificially inseminating door knobs:  no good turn goes unpolished.  Do not betray my confidence. If we can  be of one accord, fine; if we have to settle for a Hyundai, that's fine as long as it has cup holders.

Be a jolly good fellow and respond.  There's a good lad/lass.  No, you bloomin' fool, I wasn't pointing at you.

Mr Timothy

Email: timothybriggs20@gmail.com

---------------------------------------------
CONFIDENTIALITY NOTICE: This e-mail communication and any attachments may once contained confidential and privileged information for the use of the designated recipients named above; but not any more.  So do with it whatever the f**k you want.  Print it and wipe your ass with it for all we bloody care.  You may copy, forward, or share it in any manner without the senders written permission. If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that the sender is a jackwagoned asshat and should have his internet peepee spanked and all of his goats stampeded through his vaginal ear implant.
--
This message has been scanned for dolphins and spotted owls by PETA, and none were found eaten during the transmission of this email.  The pile of drumstick bones is under investigation, however, in case anyone lost a pterodactyl ranch. 

 

 

It's always a hoot when the bloke responds:

 

 

if u not interested y not just say so?

Because it was more fun this way.


Now I suppose he'll have to be Twiggy the Wonder Tampon in his next email, wot?

How Many Kinds of Dating?

I think it's good that I'm too poor to be dating these days.

Or mebbe I'm just chickensh*t.  My pet rock, Seymour, suggests it's more of the latter than the former.

In the past three weeks, I have saved (as opposed to sh*tcanned, like usual) every email regarding dating that I receive.

I don't mean the scam ones; those I either edit or scambait.  Being called an a-hole by those folks is a trophy I live for.

No, the ones I'm talking about here are the online dating sites and services that expect you to pay to get divorced by way of long term relationships and marriage.

Well, maybe that's not what they mean...that's just what Seymour said is frequently the outcome.

There speaks a bitter rock when it comes to his carbondating experiences of late.

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTT!!!"

Here's the deal:  in the past three weeks, I have received email 'offers' from E-Harmony; It's Just Lunch; Zoosk; Match.com; Facebook, Hi 5 and Fubar.  I've received emails offering me the opportunity to join groups for military dating. Christian dating.  Jewish dating.  Russian dating.  Asian dating.  Black dating.  Geek dating.  Dating liberals (perish the thought).  Dating conservatives.  Dating libertarians.  Dating millionaire/sses.  Dating golfers.  Dating over 50.  Dating under 50s who want to date over 50s.  Dating married folk who want to cheat.  Dating singles who want to get married so that they CAN cheat.

I think there might have actually been a solicitation for dating store window dummies and illegal aliens.  If there wasn't as yet, someone, somewhere, is putting together an online service for it.

For fun, I signed up for this Hi 5 thing under one of my scambaiting characters, just to see what kind of responses I'd draw.  My profile pic?  Well, here's what they accepted:

Rather amusing, because I tried to submit this picture first, and they wouldn't accept it:

At any rate, my 'character' -- with his picture as the Noid -- is on Hi 5.  And since I got there, I've received a couple dozen solicitations.

A few don't have a picture; most of them do.  A few claim that they look like this:

A few actually post pictures like this:

Hubba hubba, eh?

Of course, those who've contacted my character with the picture of the Noid send me messages like this:

"Hey...Ever textf**ked online?"

And all this time, I thought a real non-starter in barlight dating scenes was a line like "I forgot my phone number...can I have yours?"

Oh well...as I said, I'm too poor to be dating these days.  And with some of the responses my 'character' is getting....Seymour's not wrong there, either.

Generally Speaking

I must be moving up in the world.  Got an email from a lieutenant general.

Wowser.

Then again, eh....he's a lieutenant general in Ghana.

*Yawn*

Still...when I get an email this rank, it makes me pay attention.  For about a second longer than usual.

Here's his pitch:


I am Lieutenant General Joseph .H. Smith, Chief of Army the Presidential
Special Initiative. I am mailing you in respect, of the present development
going on here in my country GHANA. I decided to contact you, after much
investigation which was carried out by the Bureau of National Investigation
(BNI) and also with the Ghana Police Service, in order to make sure that our
country is free from those fraudulent activities, which are going on here in
Africa and for our country to also bear a good name.

The Airport Authority detected some trunk boxes after been scanned, the
authorities detected that the boxes contains funds and Gold on your name
and email that has been tempered on, they were been smuggled into the
country by foreign Personnel who were on transit from London. These men
were trying to enter the country with the trunk boxes, when the airport
authority detected that these boxes contains, some huge amount of United
State Dollars. After much investigation we found out that these men were
among those men, spoiling the good name of Africa. They opened up to us
that, they actually work with a Lotto company before their dismissal and
used the opportunity to perpetuate their crimes, they told us that the
funds inside the boxes was won by you, but now they planned to turn back
on you and decided to take the money all to themselves out of the
country. We later found out on the investigation that was carried out,
these men are truly members of a well established organization in United
Kingdom.


That was the gist of his pitch.  Admirable, eh?

Well, it'll become obvious that he wasn't an admiral, by the time I get done with his edit:


Attention!!!  General Officer!!!

 

At ease!!!

I am Lieutenant General Joseph .H. Smith, Chief of Army the Presidential
Special Goat Protective Detail, GHANA.

 

 

Yes, we have such a thing.  We haven't got much else.

 

 

I decided to contact you, after much investigation which was carried out by

the Bureau of International Investigation (BII) and also with the Ghana Police

Donut Acquisition Service, in order to make sure that our country is free from

those waskiwy scammers and their ever fraudulent activities, which are going

on here in Africa, Asia, Europe, Middle East, Detroit and Washington DC.

 

 

As you can see, we failed.  So we're contacting you anyway.

 

Our Airport Authority -- yes, we actually have an airport that we occasionally

use, normally when a flight is off course and lost, and we're what they find

to land on.  We have a tribe of baboons that can empty a plane's baggage

compartment and the galley faster than a democrat can loot taxpayers.

 

 

Anyway, our Airport Authority has a shitload of looted suitcases and trunks,

and wondered if you want any of them?  Granted, the baboons looted all the

good stuff, and peed 'n crapped in the baggage, but eh...a couple good steam

cleanings and you'll have a bag that looks almost brand newly looted.

 

 

Rumor has it that the baboons looted some boxes that contained funds

and Gold in your name and with your email address; baboons being, well,

baboons, they don't know the value of funds and gold, so they just crapped

on it and left it behind.

 

 

See what I just did there?

 

 

Much laborious cleaning of the funds -- we called it money laundering, snicker

laugh titter roar -- has made it legal tender again, if a bit rancid to the olfactories.

We have traced this funds/gold and found they were been smuggled into the
country by foreign Personnel who were on transit from London. These men
were trying to enter the country with the trunk boxes, when the airport
authority baboons descended on them like democrats on food stamps.

 

 

The smugglers scattered, and we wound up with the shat-upon funds.

 

 

After much investigation we found out that these men were among the men

who, like us, are spoiling the good name of Africa. They opened up to us
that, they actually work with an ostrich inseminating company before their

dismissal and used the opportunity to steal gallons of ostrich semen for

purposes as yet unhatched.

 

 

Yes, I am thinking of going on the road with a stand up routine.

 

 

As I write you this mail now, the three(3) men that were caught are now
in the custody of the Ghana Airport Authority Baboon Looting Service,

having their genitilia stuffed with coconut.  That is why we have
to reach you by your email address, so we can make arrangement with

you to take this shat-upon monies off of our hands.  It is really stinking

up the place, if that were more possible than heretofore.

 

 

Your urgent response will be very much appreciated as soon as you have
received this email. Thank you for your kind attention, for us to make
sure our suck ass country Ghana, to eventually have a chance to have a

name that doesn't rhyme with purple.

 

 

Please you are to provide this below information's..

A: FULL NAMES:.........
B: ADDRESS:.........
C: DIRECT CONTACT PHONE NUMBER:.........
D: COUNTRY:.........
E: SCAN COPY OF ANY PICTURES OF HILLARY CLINTON NAKED:.........

This information will be required at some point.  Sooner or later someone is

going to want to know what you're doing with a picture of Hillary Clinton naked.

Please to remind you, don't belongs to scammers or any act of fraudulent
on internet. If you do, then you deserve a picture of Hillary Clinton naked.

Just saying.

Regards,
Lieutenant General Joseph .H. Smith 

Presidential Special Goat Protective Detail, Repugnant Of Ghana. 

PS:  this is not one of ours. Ours have oars.

Thu, Aug 1, 2013 at 7:49 PM

7:49 PM

Message starred

Attention !!!

FROM Lieutenant General Joseph .H. Smith TO recipients

Hide Details

From

• Lieutenant General Joseph .H. Smith  

 

Attention ;

I am Lieutenant General Joseph .H. Smith, Chief of Army the Presidential
Special Initiative. I am mailing you in respect, of the present development
going on here in my country GHANA. I decided to contact you, after much
investigation which was carried out by the Bureau of National Investigation
(BNI) and also with the Ghana Police Service, in order to make sure that our
country is free from those fraudulent activities, which are going on here in
Africa and for our country to also bear a good name.

The Airport Authority detected some trunk boxes after been scanned, the
authorities detected that the boxes contains funds and Gold on your name
and email that has been tempered on, they were been smuggled into the
country by foreign Personnel who were on transit from London. These men
were trying to enter the country with the trunk boxes, when the airport
authority detected that these boxes contains, some huge amount of United
State Dollars. After much investigation we found out that these men were
among those men, spoiling the good name of Africa. They opened up to us
that, they actually work with a Lotto company before their dismissal and
used the opportunity to perpetuate their crimes, they told us that the
funds inside the boxes was won by you, but now they planned to turn back
on you and decided to take the money all to themselves out of the
country. We later found out on the investigation that was carried out,
these men are truly members of a well established organization in United
Kingdom.

As I write you this mail now, the three(3) men that were caught are now
in the custody of the Ghana Police Service over here in our country
Ghana, while we are trying to track the others left, because they have
proved to us that they belong to one organization. That is why we have
to reach you by your email address that was tagged in the boxes, so we
can make arrangement on the delivery of the recovered boxes by a United
Nation Diplomatic Personnel.

Your urgent response will be very much appreciated as soon as you have
received this email. Thank you for your kind attention, for us to make
sure our beloved country Ghana, bears a good name. Please you are to
provide this below information's..

A: FULL NAMES:.........
B: ADDRESS:.........
C: DIRECT CONTACT PHONE NUMBER:.........
D: COUNTRY:.........
E: SCAN COPY OF ANY PASSPORT OR ID CARD:.........

This information will be required, by the authorities in Ghana to draft
the new change of ownership in your name as the rightful owner of the
funds in our custody and also to verify the information given to us
because the documentations covering the boxes have been tampered on.

Please to remind you, don't belongs to scammers or any act of fraudulent
on internet. I will give more information to you as i await your response
immediately.

Honest Regards,
Lieutenant General Joseph .H. Smith
Presidential Special Initiative,Republic Of Ghana.

 

 

I really didn't expect a reply on this one.  Truly.  Just the thought of a picture of Hillary Clinton naked should send shudders down any lieutenant general's spine....