The FBI Must Be Bored
Not that it's the real "FBI"...but those foreign jackwagoned nippleheads in the fly-infested internet cafes keep trying to convince me of their authenticity.
Or in this case, one of my siblings.
This time, my sister got the 'email' from the FBI telling her about a fund she's entitled to.
This 'FBI' orifice was allegedly in Seattle.
Granted, Seattle probably has such an office, if the anarchists there haven't knocked out all the windows.
At any rate, Sis sent me the email. And I had a bit of fun widdit before returning it to the "FBI":
Federal Bureau of Investigation Anti-Uncle and International Lookinspeepers Division. Federal Bureau Of Investigation Seattle/Puget Sounds Branch, Washington, USA
This is to Officially inform you that it has come to our notice and we have thoroughly completed an Investigation with the help of our Intelligence Monitoring Network System -- with help from our unacknowledged friends at the NSA -- that you like to dance around naked in your home, farting the Macarena.
During our investigation we further discovered that you seem to know where our unacknowledged friends of the NSA have covertly (we thought) placed the cameras and microphones that have recorded this peculiar hobby of yours; you always seem to fart LOUDEST and do visually UNSPEAKABLE THINGS in the closest possible proximity to our devices.
Normally, we would deny repeatedly and vociferously any such surveillance activities by our unacknowledged and plausibly deniable friends at the NSA. But lately, those sick bastards have been piping their videos of YOU doing your naked and farted Macarena routine to our monitoring center in Langley.
We lost an entire recruiting class thanks to you. Douche Nozzle.
We are hereby requiring you to cease and desist at once these peculiarities of yours. The trauma you are inflicting on our surveillance staff is so bad, some of them have taken to beaming your videos into North Korea, causing Kim Jong Un to threaten war with Liechtenstein unless we send you over to perform this mating ritual for him in person.
Seriously, dude....this is worse than anything South Park could have thought up.
Worse...Nancy Pelosi is starting to fart along to the music video one especially sick bastard at the NSA made for a (lack of) intelligence briefing. Though, it did render Dianne Frankenfeinstein speechless. That's a rarity, and almost caused us not to write to you.
Anyway, we need you to signal your consent to cease and desist this activity at once by emailing same to: CONTACT AGENT NAME: Agt Jamar Anderson E-MAIL ADDRESS: email@example.com
Normally, you would be required to e-mail him with the following information: FULL NAME: ADDRESS: CITY: STATE: ZIP CODE: DIRECT CONTACT NUMBER:
But the NSA already has all that, to our and their unacknowledged regrets.
Please include this completely meaningless code so that my boss, Robert "Gainesburger" Mueller, can identify this transaction :
This letter will serve as proof that the Federal Bureau Of Investigation is officially unofficially contacting you with thrice-asserted plausible deniability, heretofore and anytime after five, in so far as anyone is able to discern therewithin and aforeby therefrom. Please get back to me on what you think I just said. Not even my secretary knows. And she knows everything, including about my affair with Bobo the Wonder Manatee. Please find below an authorized signature which has been signed by the a lab monkey at our FBI training center in the basement of the DNC in Washington, DB. He's been acting director of the FBI since Robert Mueller went to Trinidad, CO, for a sex change.
FBI Director Robert Mueller.
NSB Seal (if it barks, throw it a fish)
NSB SEAL ABOVE
NOTE: PLEASE GAWDDAMMIT, STOP WITH THAT NAKED FARTING MACARENA ROUTINE USING J. EDGAR HOOVER FEATHER BOAS!!!!!!!!
So far, nothing from the FBI or NSA, thought I'm sure both have by now read this...as for the originating scammer, I think he's struggling with the notion of dancing to a farted version of the Macarena....