Yes, I suppose there IS such a thing as an alligator orgasm.
My pet rock, Seymour, asked my suitcase about it, but wasn't satisfied with the answer.
I didn't expect him to be; it's not an alligator bag.
But we're not here for that. No...we're here for even weirder.
Sometimes, I have to seek inspiration for a response to a very VERY typical scam email.
Seymour suggested that I seek that inspiration in an episode of South Park
I did. It probably won't work for the scammer, and perhaps not for some members of a peculiar cultish religion.
But it worked for me.
Bannister David Ian Sharp thought his initial email would sucker me into a share of an $8.2 million USD pay day, courtesy of a dead client of his.
But Bannister David Ian Sharp was about to walk that fine line between reality and abject absurdity...and then ever so abruptly cross it, as he was about to find himself edited into....The Skunkfeathers Zone:
14 Gray's Inn Square
London, WC1R 5JP
Holy Hork Church of Scammintology
DX: LDE 399
t: 020 7242 0858
I am Barrister David Ian Sharp, a solicitor and personal lawyer to late prophet
Mo.Ron Howard Zinnwinkee, who was the original author of Mo.Ronetics, THE
epistle and bowel movement to our Holy Hork Church Of Scammintology.
Our late prophet, Mo.Ron Howard Zinnwinkee had been closely involved
in traditional family business of pearl diving in the Detroit River and a well known
animation pedophile, before he discovered the deep seated secrets of the inner
human mind through various and sundry manipulations and other DNC talking
points sh*t like that, and he revealed all those secrets in his book and to his Holy Hork
Church of Scammintology, before he died of genital lymphnoid dorkadorkanosis.
Before he was resurrected to live in eternal chili con carnage by an AlGore-looking
thing some have dubbed bearpigJoeBidumb -- and others just call it an uber dumbass --
Mo.Ron Howard Zinnwinkee made a Will with me ( My Chambers ) stating that all the
monies he'd scammed from celebrities and lesser peoples across the planet of
Earth were because they were depressed due to cretin levels of an ancient malady
called marxian gulliblesis, brought on by an evil galactic empire of dwarf cretins
led by George Soros Darth Zenu and his twin pet zorblats, Barack and Hillary.
That monies comes to well over $8.2Million USD (in disguised Iraqi dinar), and is
currently sealed in a vault deep beneath Al Capone's, which is zealously guarded by
the botox twins of Bela Pelosi and Sheila Jackson Lee. I have therefore decided to
make an electronic random draw on emails and your e-mail address was picked second;
Shrek's was first, but he's animated and was disqualified by a committee of fart-sensitive
Can you assist me in getting past the sentinel Bela Pelosi/SJL botox things, so that our
Holy Hork Church of Scammintology can access these funds for the greater good
of building missionary fly-infested internet cafes all across Dubai? You may ask why
Dubai, but we've looked the world over, and only Dubai will do be do.
It is my utmost desire to execute the Will of my late prophet -- thy pizza be done
and delivered hot 'n fresh in 30 minutes or your next one's free -- and it is thus that
you are required to contact me immediately to start the process of a great quest to
once more defeat the machinations of a long-ago dead liberal doofus and deliver
the aforementioned pizza before we have to give away a freebie. I urge you to
contact me without the NSA detecting your communication either by way of my
further secret and confidential communications, with CON being the operative
key to this deal.
Please act fast as supplies are limited and I hope we could work together as a
team of Occupy Goat Paddocks to execute this act on behalf of our late prophet,
Mo.Ron Howard Zinnwinkee and his Holy Hork Church of Scammintology.
I shall educate you further on this project, the philosophies and assorted ad
hominum hocus bukum therewithin, once you have secured with me secure
and NSA-free communications.
Looking forward to hear from you.
Barr.David Ian Sharp.
I've heard nothing back from the likely astonished bannister; but it's rumored I'll hear from Tom Cruise's attorney shortly...to whom Seymour says: "PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTT!"
You're getting really good at that, Seymour.