Them Foreign FBIers Is At It Again...

Danged if them foreign FBIers ain't persistent.  They keep trying to come up with a letter that's scary enough that even the most low informationed person will sign up for the Afraudable Don'tCare Act.

Problem is, they keep sending their crap to me.  If they'd send it to my pet rock, Seymour, maybe they'd make some progress.

"Would NOT!!!"

Well okay..so my pet rock ain't THAT gullible.


Here's a snippet of what the morons sent me:

On our investigation this morning we discovered that you are having Foreign transactions with Western Union Head Quarter Benin Republic and we went further on the investigation and found out that you don't have Money Laundering Clearance Certificate which is Federal Offense.

You have committed a federal offense by not having Money Laundering Clearance Certificate and you want to receive such huge amount of money from Western Union Head Quarter Benin Republic which is foreign transaction. Meanwhile we have stopped the payment right now, not only the $5000 US Dollars was stopped but the total ($2.500.000.00 US Dollars) Two Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars.

 

Furthermore, be advice that according to the United State Law together with the FBI rules and regulations, you are to obtain the document from the EFCC BENIN REPUBLIC where the funds were transferred from.  Also Note that you are to take care of the Document to be issued to you right away, because due to the content of the document and how important and secured the document is, you are to take care of the document by sending the sum of $185.00 US Dollars only to the EFCC BENIN REPUBLIC for issuing of the document right away and your payment will be release to you. 

That is the only way the EFCC BENIN REPUBLIC will issue you the document, because they are going to issue you the Authentic and Original copy of the documents. You are hereby advice to Contact the sender of your funds to help you and issue the Money Laundering Clearance Certificate from  EFCC BENIN REPUBLIC.  

 

 

I think you gets the general assembly idea here.

 

After I shared the original letter with a number of my online friends and writing colleagues...THEN I sat down and gave it an edit I am sure will bring happiness and universal wedgies to at least one scam emailer.  Or at least, so I hope:

On Thursday, December 12, 2013 2:12 AM, FBI ALERT <jimabernethy10@gmail.com> didn't originally write, but after editing now look like they did wrote:

ANTI-ENEMA AND MANATEE CRIMES DIVISION FBI HEADQUARTERS IN WASHINGTON, D.C. FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
FBI WEB SITE  http://www.fbi.gov/ . JEMIMA EDGAR HOOVER BUILDING 935 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE, NW WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535-0001 

Date: 12/12/2013

On our investigation this morning we discovered that you are having sexual translations with Caribbean Camel Poo Manatees that were kidnapped and transplanted within the government of the Benin Republic and we went further on the investigation and found out that you don't have A Manatee Bikini Waxing And Laundering Clearance Certificate which is Federal Offense, somewhere. Of this, we are shore. Which is much more certain than sure.

You have committed a federal offense by not having Manatee Bikini Waxing And Laundering Clearance Certificate and you are such a wanton poo poo haid for having wanted to receive this our special Benin-brand of Johnson's Manatee Bikini Wax Compound W, and without the proper permits of which we and only we are capable of compounding quarterly with interested parties therein nonesomuch forthwith. That is Benin legalese for I have stanky gas, stand back.

Furthermore, be advice that according to the United State Of Heinz undt Stoopen Manatee Semen Stain Removal Products Law, together with the FBI rules and regulations, you are to obtain the document from the EFCC BENIN REPUBLIC, via the BENIN REPUBLIC's own bona fried witch doctor, Dr. Ukulele Unga Bunga Genital Booboo. Then and ONLY THEN can you take care of the Document to be issued to you right away, because due to the content of the document and how important and secured the document is, you are to take care of the document by (a) printing forth worth the document on official sized official document paper, (b) folding official paper document sized document lengthwise, (c) dropping your pants and (d) shoving it up your ass sideways. Only in this way can the EFCC BENIN REPUBLIC issue you a lengthy pronounciato explaining why what you just did is so anally lame. 

That is the only way the EFCC BENIN REPUBLIC will issue you the document, because they are made up of rejects from the Afraudable Care Act Web Site, and are incapable of doing anything right there because Ezekiel Emanuel is a leftist douche nozzled genital wart, and he's the dumbass that trained them all. You are hereby advice to Contact us for more advice on what it is that we as senders are sending, and further be advice that our English sucks monkey balls, and that this whole transaction will resemble watching a trio of monkeys trying to f**k a football.

Yes, that's life here in the EFCC BENIN REPUBLIC, and whyfor you need our very own the Manatee Bikini Waxing And Laundering Clearance Certificate from  EFCC BENIN REPUBLIC.

You are to contact the following by way of a psychic dunny named Desire, and convey to them the following, using Azerbijani script which oft-times doubles as toilet paper in most major cities thereabouts;

Country: Benin republic
State/City: Porto novo
Text Q.: Benin republic
Answer: Yes
Receiver Name: Chris Uzor

Sender name:
MTCN:

Once you send the toilet papered script, you will forward the information right to us.
NOTE: E flat. No, we have no idea why the note is E flat. It's just what's writ here.

WARNING: Несоблюдение спринцеваться с верблюда мочи является подтверждением того, что вы хотели переправить Islamofascist свинины грибок в страну, которая делает вам реальный кормы голову и означает твоя мать платья вы смешные и винты с небольшими мертвых животных, так как они не кусаются. В той мере, ничего из этого правда - и если вы член Демократической партии США, вероятно, это 100% правда - юридическое действие будет принято сразу, арестовав и имеющие baliff или кто-то с активными горшки бородавок, чтобы быть порку ваши гениталии с ледяной Hot на руках ..... доверяют нам, вы будете не нравится. И если вы делаете, вы один извращенный jackwagon. ФБР будет остановиться в любой длины в отслеживании вниз и преследования эту записку, потому что ни один из них может читать его не больше, чем мы можем, через некоторое мудак редактировал дерьмо из него

.  Translation: Not so fast, Lizard Lips. Go use Google Translate like we did. Lazy asshat.

Faithfully Your's 
James D Corney Poopey
Director Of C-Rated Movies Starring Bent Afflac
Pleased to note that copies of this email are sended to 
FBI WEB SITE  http://www.fbi.gov/
Burrito Supreme Court of the United States
U. S. Courts of Appeals Of Laughter
U. S. Disprickd Courts
U. S. Short Circuit Courts
Courts of Special Jurisimprudence: 
Ballsruptured Courts
Tennis Courts
U. S. Racquetball Court
Cussd 'Em Court

Night Court

Food Court
U. S. Court of Toilet Gadgets and Patent Nonsense
U. S. Court of International Hen's Teeth Dentistry
Commerce Court

Territorial Courts
Courts of the District of Clodumbia
Temporary Emergency Faux Pseudo Afraudable Care Act-created Court of Nothing Works There Either
Judicial Panel on Multi-Peckered Goats In Ewe Convents Litigation
Foreign Intelligence 'Cuz There Ain't None in Washington DC Right Now Court
Federal Courts Outside the Solar System

Uranus High Court 

Since I haven't as yet been arrested in this h'yar New Year, I reckon they're still working through Google Translate to figger out what I dun to their song, ma.

Nyuk.

The FBI Must Be Bored

Yeppers...I managed to piss off the "FBI" yet again.

Not that it's the real "FBI"...but those foreign jackwagoned nippleheads in the fly-infested internet cafes keep trying to convince me of their authenticity.

Or in this case, one of my siblings.

This time, my sister got the 'email' from the FBI telling her about a fund she's entitled to.

This 'FBI' orifice was allegedly in Seattle.

Granted, Seattle probably has such an office, if the anarchists there haven't knocked out all the windows.

At any rate, Sis sent me the email.  And I had a bit of fun widdit before returning it to the "FBI":

Federal Bureau of Investigation Anti-Uncle and International Lookinspeepers Division. Federal Bureau Of Investigation Seattle/Puget Sounds Branch, Washington, USA

ATTN: SURVEILLED


This is to Officially inform you that it has come to our notice and we have thoroughly completed an Investigation with the help of our Intelligence Monitoring Network System -- with help from our unacknowledged friends at the NSA -- that you like to dance around naked in your home, farting the Macarena.

Seriously.....WTF?

During our investigation we further discovered that you seem to know where our unacknowledged friends of the NSA have covertly (we thought) placed the cameras and microphones that have recorded this peculiar hobby of yours; you always seem to fart LOUDEST and do visually UNSPEAKABLE THINGS in the closest possible proximity to our devices.

Normally, we would deny repeatedly and vociferously any such surveillance activities by our unacknowledged and plausibly deniable friends at the NSA. But lately, those sick bastards have been piping their videos of YOU doing your naked and farted Macarena routine to our monitoring center in Langley.

We lost an entire recruiting class thanks to you. Douche Nozzle.

We are hereby requiring you to cease and desist at once these peculiarities of yours. The trauma you are inflicting on our surveillance staff is so bad, some of them have taken to beaming your videos into North Korea, causing Kim Jong Un to threaten war with Liechtenstein unless we send you over to perform this mating ritual for him in person.

Seriously, dude....this is worse than anything South Park could have thought up.

Worse...Nancy Pelosi is starting to fart along to the music video one especially sick bastard at the NSA made for a (lack of) intelligence briefing. Though, it did render Dianne Frankenfeinstein speechless. That's a rarity, and almost caused us not to write to you.

Anyway, we need you to signal your consent to cease and desist this activity at once by emailing same to: CONTACT AGENT NAME: Agt Jamar Anderson E-MAIL ADDRESS: info.fbi.muller@aol.com

Normally, you would be required to e-mail him with the following information: FULL NAME: ADDRESS: CITY: STATE: ZIP CODE: DIRECT CONTACT NUMBER:

But the NSA already has all that, to our and their unacknowledged regrets.

Please include this completely meaningless code so that my boss, Robert "Gainesburger" Mueller, can identify this transaction :

EA2948-910-RUPH**KINGKIDDINGME.

This letter will serve as proof that the Federal Bureau Of Investigation is officially unofficially contacting you with thrice-asserted plausible deniability, heretofore and anytime after five, in so far as anyone is able to discern therewithin and aforeby therefrom. Please get back to me on what you think I just said. Not even my secretary knows. And she knows everything, including about my affair with Bobo the Wonder Manatee.  Please find below an authorized signature which has been signed by the a lab monkey at our FBI training center in the basement of the DNC in Washington, DB. He's been acting director of the FBI since Robert Mueller went to Trinidad, CO, for a sex change.


FBI Director Robert Mueller.
NSB Seal (if it barks, throw it a fish)
Authorized Signature
NSB SEAL ABOVE
NOTE: PLEASE GAWDDAMMIT, STOP WITH THAT NAKED FARTING MACARENA ROUTINE USING J. EDGAR HOOVER FEATHER BOAS!!!!!!!!


So far, nothing from the FBI or NSA, thought I'm sure both have by now read this...as for the originating scammer, I think he's struggling with the notion of dancing to a farted version of the Macarena....
 

When Is 'Final' Final?

When it comes to scammers, 'final' is infinitely NOT the last word on anything.

I just finished posting a 'final warning' email I got from the FBI -- and edited as a 'frog warning' -- that left the emailers speechless in an email reply to what I done.

The speechlessness lasted until Day 2 of the New Year.

They -- the "FBI" -- sent me yet another strongly-worded 'final warning' email, one promising that I'd be arrested, have all my possessions seized, lose my job, and all sorts of other deplorable results, if I didn't follow their instructions to get my share of $10.5 million USD.

Really?

Really.  NOT.

All I had to do to avoid this 'fiscal/judicial cliff' was to wire $98 USD to some character of dubious antecedence in Nigeria.

Well, y'all know me.  I never learn sh**.

So I did a little editing, and sent this latest version of 'last warning' back to the 'FBI':

Subject: LAST WARNING !!!!

Anti-Em and Flying Monkey Crimes Division
PCH Headquarters In Lagos  Nigeria
Federal Ministry Of Flying Broom Regulators
J. Mugu Ungabungabunga Building
935 Abacha Soludo Bello Umannagoofay, NW Lagos Outhouse District, Nigeria

Attention:

This is the final warning you will receive from me. This notice has been sent to you in many occasions/ several times but you ignored it.

I have warned you so many times and you decided to ignore my e-mails because you believe we have not been instructed to get you arrested, if you fail to stop believing that following a strawman, a talking tin pot, and a stuffed animal can indemnify to hold you harmless from the effects of falling houses on evil sisters in lands where everyone is short unless they are a tree, witch or a fraudulent wizard with a degree in proctology from some mythical land called Kansas.

 

What kinda drugs you been on?

Anyway, back to my rant:  if you do NOT do EXACTLY what we say, well...first we send a letter to the MAYOR of the city where you reside.  THEN we tell him to stop your trash pick up and make your toilet stop flushing.  THEN we tell all your friends you violate pillows.  THEN we post your picture on chatroom bulletin boards for persons with psoriasis of their genitals.  THEN we post pictures of you all over airports, train stations, shopping malls and on every jungle tree we can, showing you having unspeakable things done to you by a llama. 

Are you getting the general idea here?

Note that all your properties -- including your collection of Alvin and the Chipmunks 33 rpm albums -- will be confiscated by the Nigerian Federal Bureau of Mugus-Can't-Have-Shit-Cuz-They're-Mugus.

We would also send a letter to every company/organization you might have ever work for so that they could get you fired and banned for life from ever passing gas in an elevator again. 

Is this making it clear to you now, how serious we is?

Your ID which we have in our database have been sent to all the crimes agencies in America -- including Congress, the WH and Chicago, where all the criminals are -- for them to run your name and make all sorts of fun of you on pmsnbc, as an internet fraudsters and a violator of canned peaches. Also to warn people from having any dealings or friendly communication with you, neener neener boo on you!

 

This would have been solved all this while if you had gotten the CERTIFICATE OF MUGU TATTOO ON YOUR BARE BUTT, ENDORSED AND STAMPED as you were instructed in the e-mail we send many times in Azerbijani. I, GODWIN MILLER III, Director of the Nigerian Federal Bureau of Mugu Doofus, wish to inform you that there is no more time left to waste because you have been given enough amazing grace how sweet the sound, therefore you have been mandated to start farting off-key and completely out of sync with any choreographed fart company you heretofore travelled with in vaudeville-esque road shows.  That's another career we'll f**k up for you, douche nozzle.

Comply immediately you read this e-mail if you don't want to be arrested and have your whole life turned into a daytime soap crisis that gets worse than any episode of South Park. 

Oh, I forget...we'll take all your Slim Whitman albums, too.

 

In the words of a good Christian and a Honest man, I have no idea, because I am neither, but that isn't impotent now.  A neutered duck might be, but I digress.

Note: All the crimes agencies have been contacted on this regards and we shall trace and arrest you if you disregard this instruction.  This is absolutely positively your LAST CHANCE, douche nozzle.  You cannot run or hide from our satellite (actually, a gibbon that's been detailed to shadow your every bowel movement, and he's getting mightily sick of it and getting grumpy.  You do NOT want a pissed gibbon coming after you, along with us).  Failure to get this done will attract a maximum arrest and finally we shall apply for litigation against you, along with sexually violate every kitchen appliance and piece of furniture you own.

 

Meanwhile, I have put up with your inattentive ass for as long as I'm going to.  Contact the asshat below and let's get this sh** done, because the Super Bowl is coming up and I want to watch the San Francisco 49ers LOSE to Denver.  Send the payment details to me as stated below.

NAME: JOHN "MUGU DORK" UDEH
ADDRESS: LAGOS, NIGERIA
TEXT QUESTION: WHOSE YOUR DADDY
ANSWER: HUBBA HUBBA, A LLAMA
AMOUNT: $98
SENDER'S FULL NAME:
SENDER'S FULL ADDRESS:
DIRECT PHONE NUMBER:
MTCN:

Do not hesitate to make the payment today with the above outlined information so that they will have the money to pay off the local witch doctor, otherwise he's gonna shrink their genitals to the size that only work with army ants.  And as we know here, NO ONE wants to have sex with army ants.  They bite.

 

Expecting your anticipated- Co-operation, because I get tired of having to think up sh** to write here.
Godwin Miller, goat sodomist expert for FBI, Nigeria

Usually, I'd consider silence from the FBI -- after replying to them in such a manure -- ominous.

But I'm sure in this case, they're still struggling to get past what I did to their original heading...

Frog Alert

A ridiculous scam letter is deserving of a ridiculous attached photo, I think.

I could think of a better way to ring in 2013.  But I went with this one.

Once again, the FBI is writing to me.  AND the CIA.  AND Homeland Security.

On behalf of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

Small wonder I would take it as seriously as I did.

Yes late in 2012, I get an email from the FBI titled "FRAUD ALERT", advising me not to deal with other parties and to follow their instructions or I would be subject to arrest.

The CIA, Homeland Security, and even the IRS were signed on to the email as well.  Which tells you how serious it was that I take this email seriously and follow their instructions.

Which you can see that I did, with the attached edit of the email that I sent back to them and dozens of their peers and colleagues:


Subject: FROG ALERT

 

CC: FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATIONS (FBI)
HOMELAND SECURITY SERVICES
CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY (CIA)

FEDERAL AVIATION ADMINISTRATION

FEDERAL NEW HAIRPIECE FOR CHRIS MATTHEWS INITIATIVE

RED LOBSTER RESTAURANTS CORPORATE HQ

PARIS HILTON CROTCH WATCHERS

DEMOCRAP NATIONAL COMMITTEE DOUCHE NOZZLE ALLIANCE
19TH DECEMBER 2012


Attention:  SIR/MADAM/COMBO THEREOF


We received your email and wish to inform you that this is never a child’s play, we are ready to take you to any length if you fail to proof the legitimate source of the frogs you are about to receive.

As a series of Federal Commissions that have no real f**king idea what we're doing, but enjoy spending tax payer's money doing it, we are here to protect our national vital interest in frogs.  Perhaps you didn't know, if you didn't watch Jurassic Park (it's a movie, you bonehead), that certain species of frogs can change their gender in a single-sex environment.

F**king yowza.  And thus, WE CONTROL THOSE FROGS.

You have been investigated because we have been notified that you are the beneficiary of a delivery of said frogs, and that is why you are in touch with the CIA for a solid proof before the frogs will be released to you.

We also have in our file here that your mental and physical health are suspect due to dubious antecedence and odious bodily odors.  We don't know what enough of that means to be beyond a basic "WTF?", so in order to cut through the usual government bureaucratic chutzpah, we are issuing you a  CLEAN BILL CERTIFICATE and FREE FROGS FOR CITIZEN CERTIFICATE, which will enable you to receive your frogs without undue azerbijanian influence or abject anal spasms, which we have been reliably informed, suck.

It has come to the attention of our Frog Trafficking Investigation Department that you have some frogs valued at U.S $8.99 (Eight Dollars and 99 Cents) to your name, and this delivery of more will quadraoctoplex that number in your possession.  Proceeding therefrom, the said delivery is awaiting adjudication and fiscal chicanerous crediting with the adherence to Inheritance ‘willed ‘ from Central Bank of Nigeria.  Precisely WTF a Nigerian bank has to do with frogs is precisely what we're trying to figure out.

 

With full concern of the CIA and the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), we wish to remind you of the consequences of receiving potentially pervertable frogs without complying fully with the provisions of the Federal Endangered Feces Act as amended in sub-section C (6) of 2003 Congressional Bloviation And Rectal Purging Act, which stipulates that any amphibian transaction being done with or herein the United States of America must have proper records, which includes transfers of ownership, lords a leaping, Kermit patents unviolated, Miss Piggys uncopywrote, duly guarantees and covers that all written herein is subject to an English teacher who won't simply put an "A" on it and then go home and drink themselves into a decomposition stupor.  This is due to ongoing literary terrorist activities/economic crimes on and against the United States of America and its citizens and also other countries of the World.

 

Note that with the information we have here, this whole f**king matter originates from the Federal Republic of Nigeria.  'Nuff said.

 

You have just 48 hours to produce legal proof of all the sh** we laid down above, coded AZQV111. You do not have any rights to receive these frogs if the documented legal wire information is not complete.

 

For your own good and benefit, you are advised not to attach your genitals to any electrical device that is plugged in, especially with the power invested on us by the United States Government, being impersonated by the Federal Nigerian government.  You are hereby warned and instructed to terminate your reading too closely of this document if you start to understand it.

 

We have your address and the evidence that you once violated creamed corn, so we can arrest you anytime anywhere.

 

Contact our contact below via Western Onion, the only way to ship onions, so that we may know you are not serious and are thereby deemed a hazard to sterilized wombats:  

RECEIVERS NAME: DONALD ALVARO
ADDRESS: 23 BURMA ROAD, OKOTA, LAGOS, NIGERIA
TEXT QUESTION: WTF?
TEXT ANSWER: BEATS THE F**K OUT OF ME
AMOUNT: 85 FROGS IN AMPHIBIANIZED PACKAGING

 

NOTE: We have asked for the above document to make available the most complete and up-to date records possible for no criminal justice purposes.  If you understood that, please explain it to us, because truth be told, we are sandpoundingly stupid.

 

WARNING: failure to produce the above requirement in the next 48 hours because we have actual guarantee the agency that you will get the document by today, legal action will be taken immediately by arresting and detaining you.You shall be tried and if found guilty, you will be jailed with twin bubbas from Arkansas who are tired of doing each other, and will be happy for a new butt to sodomize.  The CIA will not stop at any length in tracking down and adding further such bubbas to your holding cell.  We're just

sayin'...

Sincerely...really...HONEST,
AGENT JASON BOOBFACE
CIA VERY SPECIAL AGENT for one day in 2010; now I clean toilets at Langley AFB's commissary.

The only response I've drawn thus far is an email reply that was blank.  Perhaps the scammer was too busy googling researching sex-changing frogs.  Or really was pissed, because he learned that there really isn't a Paris Hilton Crotch Watchers club for him to join.

Either way...welcome to 2013.  New year, same sandpoundingly stupid scammers.

Not Your Father's "FBI"

I always thought the FBI was an honorable, hard-working, law-enforcing organization, chocked full of well-educated, dedicated, morally and ethically sound men and women of sterling personal character and integrity.

Well okay, so we ARE in the era of nobama, where nothing ethical matters in DC and the DNC.  But I digress.

But really...with all the things that the FBI is tasked to do and worry about, they have time to send a schlep like ME a letter like THIS?  Really? 

Really*:

ANTI-TERRORIST AND MONETARY CRIMES DIVISION
FBI HEADQUARTERS WASHINGTON DC
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION J.EDGAR HOOVER BUILDING
935 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE, NW WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535-0001
　
ATTENTION: FUND BENEFICIARY,
WE BELIEVE THIS NOTIFICATION MEETS YOU IN A GOOD STATE OF MIND AND HEALTH. WE THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION (FBI) WASHINGTON, DC IN CONJUNCTION WITH SOME OTHER RELEVANT INVESTIGATION AGENCIES HERE IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA HAVE RECENTLY BEEN INFORMED THROUGH OUR GLOBAL INTELLIGENCE MONITORING NETWORK THAT THE SUM OF $10.500,000.00, HAS BEEN TRANSFERRED TO A BANK IN AMERICA BEARING YOUR NAME AS THE BENEFICIARY.

YOU ARE BEING CONTACTED BY THE FBI ANTI TERRORIST AND MONETARY CRIMES DIVISION BECAUSE THE FUND WAS TRANSFERRED WITHOUT PROPER DOCUMENTATIONS TO PROVE THAT THE FUND IS NOT RELATED TO TERRORIST OR MONEY LAUNDERING ACTIVITIES.

FOR SECURITY REASONS AND DUE TO THE LEVEL OF TERRORIST / MONEY LAUNDERING ACTIVITIES GOING ON HERE IN THE UNITED STATES, YOU ARE MANDATED TO OBTAIN THE LEGAL WIRING DIST DOCUMENT SO AS TO PROVE TO US THAT YOU ARE NOT RELATED TO TERRORIST OR MONEY LAUNDERING ACTIVITIES.

IT MIGHT INTEREST YOU TO KNOW THAT WE HAVE TAKEN OUT TIME IN SCREENING THROUGH THIS TRANSACTION AS STIPULATED ON OUR PROTOCOL OF OPERATION AND HAVE FINALLY CONFIRMED YOU AS THE RIGHTFUL BENEFICIARY OF THE SAID AMOUNT OF $10.500, 000.00.

WARNING: YOU WILL BE ARRESTED FOR MONEY LAUNDERING/ TERRORISM IF THE NEEDED DOCUMENTS ARE NOT OBTAINED WITHIN 48 HOURS, WE WILL ALSO CLOSE YOUR BANK ACCOUNT AND JAIL YOU, AND ALL YOUR PROPERTIES WILL BE CONFISCATED BY THE FBI IF FOUND GUILTY AS CHARGED.

TO THIS REGARDS, YOU ARE ADVISED TO GET BACK TO US IMMEDIATELY FOR INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO OBTAIN THE LEGAL DOCUMENTS WITHIN 48 HOURS.

Finally, you are expected to have the CLEARANCE DOCUMENT obtain at a fee of USD Five Hundred and Fifty ($550) from where the FUND originated from to have you and your fund cleared. Only then shall we release your FUND as clean money devoid of any illegality, and you will be free of any involvement. To this end, the funds will be legally credited in your account with immediate effect.

NOTE: THE SAID AMOUNT OF $10.500, 000.00 WILL BE RELEASED INTO ANY ACCOUNT OF YOUR CHOICE UPON THE CONFIRMATION OF THE NEEDED DOCUMENTS FROM YOU.　
　
YOURS FAITHFULLY,
SPECIAL AGENT FRED JONES,
ON BEHALF OF THE FBI DIRECTOR
MR. ROBERT S. MUELLER

I don't think I need to beat this to death, but I didn't want to reply to an 'official' FBI email with too much disrespect, if it turns out that this email really DID come from the REAL FBI.  I am, after all, a God-fearin', flag-waving, law-abiding, patriotic taxpaying American with occasionally bad gas.

So I had to keep all this in mind, when I carefully crafted my special 'edit' of an email from perhaps a very pre-eminent, world-recognized law enforcement agency.

And with all that taken into account, I uttered an "aw, f**k it" and responded with this edit:

ANTI-EM AND MONETARY MASTURBATIONS DIVISION
FBI HINDQUARTERS WASHINGTON DC
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INCESTIGATION J.EDGAR HOOVER BUILDING
935 PENNSLOPVANIA AVENUE, NW WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535-0001

Attention Peasant:

We have for the past several months been conducting covert surveillance of you.  Oh yes.  YOU.

We planted microcameras in your office, your car, your bathroom, even in your underwear and toilet paper.  We KNOW EVERYTHING YOU DO.

By the way...that thing you do in your crotch when you're driving....STOPPITTTTTT.  You are one sick puppy.

We have determined that while you are not a threat to the long term security of a cucumber farm in Califorlornia, you ARE a threat to the environment by the amount of toilet paper you use.  Oh, and that's another disgusting thing about you...you have pimples on your butt.

Told ya that we were watching.

Granted, our handlers that assigned us this surveillance detail would have a genital apoplexy if they knew we had sent you this email.  But then, THEY don't have to watch the crap that WE have to watch about YOU.  If they did, they'd have closed this investigation already.  And hosed your whole house interior out with Pine-Sol.

And taken away your hamster.  You really put that thing in your butt?

At any rate...since we are watching, and since you now KNOW that we're watching, we would appreciate if some of your more unseemly habits and daily routines could be...um...sanitized and abbreviated?  Since you now KNOW we have to watch, and you also now KNOW that we don't have a choice on this -- the boss says we watch, so we watch -- would you quit acting like Harry Reid and quit wiping your backside with a rabbit? 

The 'sh** not sticking to a rabbit's fur' thing was a joke, not a fact.  Even if Snopes hasn't posted it as such yet.  

Oh, and your using nasal boogers in place of glue to stick things together...if you're not careful, you'll be on a reality show with the Kardashians.  At least the Kardashians don't eat theirs.

So there you have it...we're watching you.  You now know it.  If you want to continue your vile personal habits -- and we haven't even addressed what you did with that nun last Saturday night -- fine, but if you want us to quit watching you do them, send us bribe money to make us "go away".  We'll let you decide what you think is fair.

But it better be enough for us to buy us a whore the next time we travel overseas with the potus.

DOH...that's right, we're not the Secret Service.  We have to arrange for our own.

*Disregard above sentence*

If you know what's good for you, email us back, and in 5,000 words of less, tell us why you think that we should publish all the most disgusting video we have of you on YouTube.  Winning essay gets a feather boa once worn as a thong by J. Edgar Hoover.

Sincerely...really...HONEST,
Robert S. Mueller-lookalike
(on weekends I play Rachael Maddow AND Ed Schultz, at the same time, on pmsnbc).

So far, none of the recipients of this 'edit' have responded.  Probably too busy combing their underwear and toilet paper for those hidden cameras...

*  well, it wasn't really the FBI what sent me this...but they said it was...  ;-)