When A Bank Ain't A Bank

Silly, silly scammers.  Especially those who try to impersonate online banks.

Take this one for example:

Attention Beneficiary

 

In fight against corruption in the Banking system and in pursuit to re-build a good relationship with foreigners by the President of the United States of America. We wish to inform you that every files and reports concerning international payment of all the foreign beneficiaries was brought to my office in the Order and instruction of the U.S Department of States and U.S Department of Treasury.

 

 

I must confess that i shared tears after seeing your unclaimed and uncompleted transactions, It was a national slap and a disgrace to this Country after noticing that your have paid for all the fee to receive your fund but your funds never got to your bank account because of the selfish interest of the banks and Individuals mandated to transfer and release your fund to your bank account.

 

 

The U.S Department of States and U.S Department of Treasury has approved a compensation payment of US $4,500,000.00 in your name which shall be transfer to your bank account through an online, We will create an online bank in your name and you will transfer your fund by yourself through our online to your bank account. We chose to transfer your fund through an online banking so that no Agency will notice or stop your fund. Sir, you shall receive this compensation fund within 3 working day, if you comply with our instructions and adhere to our directives. 

Get back to us with your information as listed below.

Your Full Name:

Address:

Phone number:

Age and Occupation:

Next of Kin:

Scan Copy of your identification

 

Thank you for your mutual understanding and cooperation as we wait to read from you soonest.

Yours Faithfully,

Dr. David Morgan,

Foreign Remittance Department,

Woodforest National Bank.  

 

My 'editing gone wild' pet rock Seymour was busy with trying to romance the lump of coal I received from Santa for my past year's behavior -- "was NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!" -- so my other 'editing gone wild' pet rock Element weighed in with a pretty good effort:

 

 

From: Petrifiedforest National Bank. <meir@tag.co.il>
Sent: Monday, December 16, 2019 11:52 PM
Subject: COMPLIMENT OF THE SEASON:  FESTIVUS THROAT NUTS!! 

 

 

Attention Beneficerary:

 

In fight against regulating corruption on and offline in the Banking system and in pursuit to effectively skewer a good relationship with foreigners of dubious antecedence by the President of the Nigerian ACOWSASS Confounderation, we h'yah in Nigeria wish to inform you all th'yah in the US of A that every files and reports concerning international payment of all the foreign beneficeraries was brung to my office by way of a carrier pterodactyl trained in diplomatic courierdom by the U.S Department of States and U.S Department of Aviary WTF.

 

 

I must confess that i experienced severe sphincter spasms after seeing you had not as yet been had by us; it was a national slap and a disgrace to this Country after noticing that you haven't  paid for all the fee to receive a totally bogus fund.  This is clearly not acceptable to us at ACOWSASS and the Petrifiedforest National Bank.  No siree nada.  This you must correct amundo at once and with dispatch.

 

 

The U.S Department of States, being about as useful as a cactus dildo,  and U.S Department of Aviary WTF has approved the dispatch of one of their highly neurotic, minimally-trained courier pterodactyls in your name which shall be transfer to us your liver if you do not render unto it a payment of not less than $1.98 USD in the form of bit and bent coins -- which the pterodactyl can do with comparative ease -- immediately that it arrives on your premises.  We also highly suggest you have a sheep, pig or cow ready to throw it when it arrives, so it doesn't wolf you down immediately.  

 

By doing this, don't expect us to create an online bank in your name and you will transfer your fund by yourself through our online to your bank account; at Petrifiedforest National Bank, we don't operate that way.  Hell, we barely operate at all.  Last week we were the International Gender Neutral Bank of Fawg, UnLtd, and we never quite mastered that.  We chose to transfer nothing of substance to you via our courier pterodactyl so that no Agency will attempt to stop it.  Even military drones give our courier pterodactyls a wide berth in the air.  And wisely so.

Sir, you shall be looking for this angry boid of courierdom within 3 working day, if you comply with our instructions and adhere to our directives.  And you is one gullible sack of inert crap iffen you do. 

 

 

Get back to us with your information as listed below.

Your Full Name:

Address:

Phone number:

Age and Occupation:

Next of Kin:

Scan Copy of your identification (that's scan a copy, not scam copy; leave the latter to us).

 

Thank you for your total lack of basic understanding and blissfully unawares cooperation as we wait to read from you soonest if not soonerer.

Digestive maladies,

Dr. David Morgan,

Foreign Twat Waffle Reconciler,

Petrifiedforest National Bank.  

 

 

The originating scammer -- assuming that he/she/55 other gender options -- decided that a follow up wasn't in order.

 

I'd say Element nailed it.

 

Key Bank's Unsent Email

It was very nice and considerate of Key Bank to send me an alert that my online account access had possibly been compromised, and I needed to address it at once.

Through the link that Key Bank so generously provided me.

Too bad I don't have an account of any kind with Key Bank.

But why should that stop me when it comes to editing same?

It didn't:

Subject: Unlock Your DoucheNozzle Bank Account

	Dear Low Information, Dumbed Down Customer:   No, dumbass, we're not really Key Bank...we're DoucheNozzle Bank, and we're here to dupe you and pillage your ID and real bank account.  Yes, that's what we do.  That's all we do, being low-life scum of dubious antcedence and having voted for the worst potus in the history of the world, the puke who's first name sounds like you're throwing up...."Baa-RRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCKKKK!"      Now, to the scam...Your Primary Security questions requires update. Uh huh...yuppers.  Your last Sign In from your IP generated errors on your account due to one of your Trojan rubbers having obtained a virus from the last slut you banged, and now it's raping your computer (as we hope to be doing shortly).  For this reason your Online Banking will remain LOCKED (not really) until You reconfirm your identity (oh please oh please oh PUH_LEEEEEASE!).   To begin the ID theft and account butt f**king, click on the link below to start the verification process.   ...oh f**k...some asshole removed it....   Note: This is an automated alert, deliberate wrong input may lead to closure of your account and will be criminally pursued, all of which is a jackwagon load of scammer bullsh**. Thanks for choosing           DoucheNozzleBank to f**k up your fiscal life.               This e-mail contains information directly related to our efforts to f**k you financially, Nothing else. DoucheNozzle Bank offers not one f**king thing of any value whatsoever.  We're here only to f**k people over, because we're too f**king lazy and assholeish to ever try to be productive, honest people.  We'll f**k you over – whether it's a checking account, a credit card or a home equity line of credit. Copiedwrong ©2013 DoucheNozzle Bank Financial Group. All rights waived the moment you click the link, Asshat. Reproduction in whole or in part in any form or medium without express written permission of DoucheNozzle Bank Financial Group is going on in fly-infested internet cafes all over the Turd World, and we fervently hope with as much success as we're hoping with from you.      I didn't expect any kind of a response from these folks.  I didn't get one.  But I did get a follow up email from the US Navy Credit Union...with the same drivel.   I think I'll let Seymour have at that one....he's always been a good anchor thing when it comes to ships...   "PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTT!"

Due Be Due

The look is obviously "I want an upgrade", but that's probably not what the duck is upset about.

Perhaps he read my latest edit.

I don't know if it upset Mrs. Patricia Mustafa or not; though I think I'm uninvited to the scamming I was expected to RSVP.

Another scammer thinks she's learned something about me.  More on that later.

Yes, the first scammer -- Mrs. Patricia Mustafa -- sent me one of those fancy Yahoo Invitation email formats, inviting me to contact her over $10.8 Million USD that sits in a bank in Burkina Faso, left by another one of those silly foreigners who are stupid enough to get on a plane in Burkina Faso, shortly before it fall down go BOOM.

If you believe their emails, so many of them do.

From an email entitled "Invitation:  With Due Consideration", I decided to mix a little bit of Frank Sinatra into the edit -- very little, beyond the title -- along with a play on Mrs. Mustafa's alleged job title, that of Bill & Remittance Exchange, Bank of Africa, Burkina Faso.

I took a quack at it and it went like this:

From Mrs. Patricia Mustafa,
Duck Butt & Bill and Exchange Manager,
Bank of Africa- (B.O.A)
Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso

VERY CONFIDENTIAL.

My dearest friend,

This really quacks me up.  See what I just did there?  When you figure it out, please COULD YOU PLEASE REPLY ME THROUGH MY PRIVATE EMAIL ADDRESS (mrs.patricia.mustafa@gmail.com) AFTER GOING THROUGH THIS MESSAGE FOR CONFIDENTIAL REASONS

I know that this mail will come to you as a surprise. I am the Manager of Duck Butts & Bills and Exchange at the Fowl Remittance Department of Bank of Africa (BOA), in my department I discovered an abandoned pile of duck butts and bills that is unprecedented to be found laying around in the vault of a bank, here or anywhere.  Frankly, I do not know why such a pile of duck butts and bills would be here, but I guess that is why I have the job and title that I have.  When I applied, I thought I'd be working with money.  You just never f**king know, do you? 

The thing is, we cannot release it to just ANYBODY; there are plenty of perverts here in Burkina Faso that would make perverse and voodooish use of duck butts and bills.  Ewwww. 

It is therefore upon this discovery that I now decided to make this business proposal to you because a nationality of my country can not apply or stand as the nest of kin -- see what I just did there?  haha, I funny -- since it would look very suspicious if I or one of my work colleagues walked out of the bank with a sh**load of duck butts and bills on our person.  I hope you understand just how suspicious this would look in a country like Burkina Faso.   Well okay, so it wouldn't look THAT suspicious, since we're all Third World flakes here.  Just f**king accept my premise and go with it, asshat.  

I will like you indicating your interest to help me in transferring all these molting and decaying duck butts and bills into your care, and I agree that 40% of whatever money can be gained from this unusual stash -- I think people in your country will buy anything if you think someone else will find value in it -- and I will keep 60%, since -- and you must grant me this -- I have the duck butts and bills, and you don't. 

I Hope that you will not expose or betray this trust and confident that I have Repose on you, because we have witch doctors here who would love to get this stash to make voodoo fetishes and sodomize the duck butts in weird tribal rituals.  I hope you understand the implications here. 

Upon receipt of your reply, I will give you full details on how the business I wish to give you will be executed upon you in the manure to which I am able to execute stuff.

Here is my Private email address: (mrs.patricia.mustafa@gmail.com) Please, reply me through this email address for security purpose.
I am waiting soonest to hear from you.
Yours Sincerely,
Mrs. Patricia Mustafa.

Now I really didn't expect Mrs. P. Mustafa to closely read my email edit; or, if she did, probably not understand one ducking part of it.

But another scammer from before -- the alleged "legal office" of Jack Botha, Esq., and his odious secretary Sharon Brown -- apparently read the email edit, and came to a conclusion about me.  And widdit, they made a request:

it is plane to me that you are jobless.  Please,stop sending us more of these kind of emails.

Oh, but on the contrary my mugu friends of dubious antecedence and plunger intellect:  I have a job.  YOU.  Mwhahahahaha.  And I get paid much good, my job of YOU.  Would you like to hear more about it?

For now, apparently not.  But the year is still young and their email address still works...