Friday, August 16, 2013

Hospitably Speaking

A dying refugee from Trinidad & Tobago -- in a hospital in Ivory Coast -- wants me to save her son from her evil stepmother.

Didn't Disney already cover this a couple different ways?

I'm sure South Park did. 

Anyway, Felicia Luna is counting on my help.

What she wasn't counting on was my editing help.

Now, I wasn't to reply to her; she be dying in a hospital in Ivory Coast.  But....I was to contact her son, Martins Henry.  And Martins would get me in touch with their lawyer, who'd arrange for me to access their $3.5 Million USD that Luna's evil stepmother is after.

It didn't take long for a *TOING* to dictate to me the direction the edit would take:

Subject: standing here in horsepiddal


 This is Miss Felicia Luna from Trinidad &Tobago. I am writing to you while standing in a puddle of horsepiddal in Ivory Coast, therefore this mail is very urgent, I am dying for someone to explain to me why I am standing in a puddle of horsepiddal, which is rapidly forming quicksand under my feet, which i don't know what tomorrow will be. I was told by my local witch doctor that i was poisoned and to counteract it I had to find and stand in a puddle of horsepiddal. 
Am I gullible or what?
Only now, as I am sinking into the quicksand formed by the puddle of horsepiddal -- it was probably more than one big ass horse that piddaled here -- do I learn that the witch doctor and my evil step mother that wants to kill me by having me stand in a puddle of horsepiddal, while the ground beneath the puddle turns to quicksand.  Why would they want do this, you ask?  Or perhaps you ask this more eloquently than I write it, yes?
Well to either and or either way of expressed, my late father who let Ivory Coast militia molest me from time I was 18 -- he charge them per hour -- he make $3.5 million Dollars before he die when he try to use ananconda to snake a plugged drain, and ananconda get pissed and eat him.  Anyways, I rightly inherit this money and my evil step mother and her witch doctor are after me because I has pictures of them doing unspeakable things with circus monkeys and llama in Mozambique.  They know that if I expose them to PETA, it will not be much of a thing, because they can leave PETA in jungle to be eaten by the same pissed off anaconda that eat my father.  But they want me to sink in quicksand puddle of horsepiddal  so that they can get my money and open a sex change clinic for pandas in Hong Kong.
Don't ask me...she's evil, and he's a witch doctor.  Draw your own conclusions.
So i want you to help me (a) first out of this quicksand puddle of horsepiddal, and then (b) out of this country with the money.
Since I am mired in an earthly, horsepiddalish slime just now, I want you to contact my favorite Martins with below information. Martins Henry Address: Avenue 22, Rue 12, Cocody, Abidjan 16, Cote d'Ivoire. Email:  Tel: +225-67495207.  After he ask you "WTFs is this alls about", and you tell him, I am sure he will get here with a rope or ladder or backhoe or some kinda sh*t to get me out of this quicksandish puddle of horsepiddal. 
You do that, and I will share some of my money with you, after I deduct costs of (a) getting out of country (b) killing my evil step mother and witch doctor by dropping Michael Moore on them and (c) getting hosed off and disinfected from all this horsepiddal I am sinking in.  It smells.  And in the heat here, it smells worse.
But at least the flies don't like it...that is one good something.  Mebbe I can make fly repellent out of quicksandish puddle of horsepiddal and sell to makes money, yes?
If I don't gets out of this, don't you steals my idea now.
Anyway, you contact Martins and he will direct you to a well known lawyer that i have appointed to him, the lawyer will assist you to help me and protect my interests until I can market the horsepiddal fly repellent in your country.   
Note; This should be a code between you and Martins when you contacts him:  "horsepiddal".  Use this in any mail with him, the Lawyer he will direct you to, without this code "Horsepiddal" is not from the Martins, the Lawyer or myself as I don't know what will happen to me in the next few hours, although I can guess if I am not liberated from the quicksandish puddle of horsepiddal.
  And Let Martins send you his International passport to be sure of whom you are dealing with. Martins is so stupid and low information that you'll need to guide him. And if I don't hear from you, I will look for another person or an organization with what little time I have left as I'm now past my vagina in this quicksandish puddle of horsepiddal.
Please do not forget to contact Martins Henry with and remind him to come get my ass outta this sh*t.
 Miss Felicia Luna

Since she's supposed to be dying, I doubted I'd hear from Felicia.  So far, Martins is proving to be a disappointment.

I did get a nastygram from a relative of Mr. Ed....

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Blogger Sandee said...

You are so heartless. Bwahahahahahahahaha. Great rewrite.

Have a fabulous day. My best to Seymour. :)

16 August, 2013 09:56  
Blogger Right Truth said...

"I was told by my local witch doctor that i was poisoned and to counteract it I had to find and stand in a puddle of horsepiddal. "

There are lots of folks around here who would follow those instructions if they thought there would be a big pay off, or perhaps RX for some high powered drugs.

Right Truth

18 August, 2013 15:33  

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