Sunday, April 28, 2019

Missionary Improbable

So far, not one of the scammer emails that I've received over 19 years has self-destructed within 7 seconds.

Depending on how I treated it, it took a bit longer.

Speaking of missions improbable, let's have a look at a missionary *FAIL* from Scamland:


Hello Beloved,

I am Carol Mitchell a Missionary formally with Saints Peter and Paul
Church Catholic North Beach/Telegraph Hill
666 Filbert St San
Francisco, CA 94133
USA, I have the Sum of US$6M in Citibank Bank N.A
(New York) before I was diagnosed with cancer of the blood and
according to my doctors I have just two or three weeks to live.

So I want you to help me stand as my Next of Kin to enable Citibank
Bank Transfer this US$6M to you, note that you will take US$3M out of
this US$6M and give the remaining US$3M to any Charity Home here in
United State, Africa, Canada, Europe and Asia because that was the vow
I made to my God Almighty before I became a Missionary.

I want you to get back to me immediately if you are interested to
stand as my Next of Kin, So that I can introduce you to my Lawyer,
Bank and direct you on how to proceed before I pass away in this world
because I have only two weeks to live according to my Doctor. I wait
your urgent

Please get in touch with me VIA this my confidential email {
missionarycarolmitchell90077@gmail.com }

Thanks,
Missionary Carol Mitchell.
Saints Peter and Paul Church  



Mr. Spock probably would not have found this 'fascinating'.  But my pet rock, Seymour -- rested and ready to again don his "editing gone wild" hat -- was more than ready for an edit:


From: Missionary Position Menstrual Instructor Carol Mitchell <ubatony675@gmail.com>
Sent: Friday, February 15, 2019 7:07 AM
Subject: HELL NO BELOVED CAN YOU STAND AS MY NEXT OF MANNEKIN TO HELP FIT SOMETHING POORLY? 


--
Hello Beloved,

I am Missionary Position Menstrual Instructor Carol Mitchell

a what-I-said formally with Saints Peter and Paul and Mary
Church of Puff The Magic Vape Thing, located very loosely around

Catholic North Beach/Telegraph Hill 666 Filbert St San Francisco,
CA 94133 USA.  I kinda sorta think you can found it on Gooble
Oith, with the help of a meth lab and the crimeittee from the DNC
that drafted the Green New Deal and put it into Dick-Jane-Spot-Puff
lingo so that AO Cortez could actually understand a minute portion of what
was in it.

After I let this email leak I was diagnosed with career cancer of the
Former Dead Friends of Hellary Clinton Foundation and
according to cnn I have just two or three weeks to figure out
how I want my demise to look before Jim Acosta starts pouting
at me and asking me when I first knowd that he was colluding
with a cucumber to be ridden by Hellary, causing her another
reason she lost in 2016.

So I want you to help me stand, because my AO Cortez is
broke and they're trying to fix it; meantime, I am the walrus when
played backward like a Beatles record, suggesting all sorts of weird
anomalies in an octopuses garden in Newark.

Bet you didn't know they had those in Newark, did you?  Well, if
you played Beatles records backwards, you would have.

Now that the end is near, and it belongs to a cow, and it's not
corked, I am sure to be more fried than the sleigh-riding woman
in the Bud commercial. 
 
 
And this is all because in less than 12 years
we're all going to suffer from globulls of the warming, since none
of us took AlGore seriously in the South Park episode that featured
man-bear-pig and how many hours it took Joy Behar to be made up
to look like that. 

As my Next of Kin, you will receive a certificate, an autographed
photo of a Yugo, a letter of introduction to the Snow Monster of
Christmas Repasts, and Twitter insult from Kathy Griffin because
you said she looked like the Tales of the Crypt keeper.

She does, and she's pissed about it.

Absolutely none of this made any sense before I took the vow of vows
to become an octosexual orthopodded gender-fluid non-binary disciple
of Bela Pelosi.   
It still doesn't, but when you have the single-digit IQ of Maxine Waters,
you don't care about anything but impeaching things that upset you.
To enable Citibank to make sense of this, enter 'WTF' on your Twitter
account now.
Didn't work?  Clearly you're not doing it right.
I want you to get back to me immediately if you were able to read
any of this.  If so, I want to introduce you to my Lawyer, in case I
find the need to sue you for making disparaging comments about
the DNC, which has sensitive feelings for illegal criminal voters but
not human fetuses.  Especially in NY.
Before I pass this template onto some moron on AO Cortez's staph to
post online, please get in touch with me VIA this my confidential email {
missionarycarolmitchell90077@gmail.com } and I will instruct you
how to play Katy Perry DVDs backward to find the demonic messages
therein.

Missionary Position Menstrual Instructor Carol Mitchell .
Saints Peter and Paul and Mary Church of Puff The Magic Vape Thing  
 
 
Whatever expedience Missionary Mitchell intended this to mean to my editing pet rock, appears to have been lost in the translation.  Or the flaming horse fart.
 
 

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Monday, April 22, 2019

Seymour Edits Startled Scientists

A fraction of scientists are startled about things.  And these days, rather easily.

Over the great climate scam thing, for one.

My pet rock, Seymour, has been around since -literally -- the beginning of time.  At least on this planet.

He's seen quite a bit of change, and I can tell you, he still laments the lack of delivery Chinese in the dinosaur era.

"With that, they might still be around".

I doubt it, but that's for another time.

At any rate, Seymour saw an article in the AP where a few scientists are getting their panties in a wad over perceived changes in the Bering Sea.  And in that, he saw the perfect opportunity to piss off the Cortez broad, if her or her staff ever read this and see what we dun to her name, Ma:

Pace of public opinion changing about climate change fraud startles scientists

By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS
Date line: “I lost my number, can I have yours?”

In a recent article in the failed compost-able rag Salon, scientists were expressing “startlement” at the pace of change in public opinion about the scam of agw climate change.

“I don't understand it”, lamented one scientist wearing Antifa face masking, “we were sure AlGore and that Cortez broad had it all sown up with that Green New Deal thing”.


He went on to show irrelevant slides of Mars, taken 10,000 years ago:



Versus today:


Noting the difference, he went on “Why can't the public see what WE say WE see here?”

He provided additional photo shops to further muddy his point about the effects our alleged agw climate change is having and how this is our future on YouTube if we don't wise up:


And:


And:


And:


Antifa students at Berkeley – apoplectic over the news – shrieked “we'll keep turning over trash cans, smashing windows, crapping in the streets and acting like total twat waffles until our demands to save hummus from exploitation are met”.

Righhhht.

None of the collection of announced clowns for the 2020 Democrap presidential contest had any comment to make, other than the current front groper of the pack, who sent this to show his commitment to past behaviors:

Seymour remains convinced that one of these posts will net him a Pulitzer, since awards on the left are given away like participation trophies.

For once, he might be right on that.

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Friday, April 19, 2019

Snorting The Banana

It's a very popular thing online in Scamland -- the dying widow scam.

It's supposed to be a great heart-string yanker to the great unwashed and ill-prepared emoters out there.

And I guess that today's scammer felt that it would be even more effective in a foreign language...in this case, Filipino.

At any rate, here's the English translation of the first couple heart-rending paragiraffes from Ms Antoinette:


Hello My Beloved One.

 Congratulations on the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, It is true that this letter may come to you as a surprise. However, I humbly ask you to give me your attention and listen to me properly. My name is Mrs. Antoinette Gross from the United States of America. I was married to Mr Anthony Gross who once worked in our Embassy in Germany in 2002 and he also worked in an embassy in London for a period of 16 years before he died.

 We were married for 25 years without a child before he died after a short illness. Because of his death I decided not to marry again because of my religious beliefs. After my husband's life he deposited the amount of USD $ 10.500.000.00 (Ten Million Five Thousand United States dollars) with a Bank here in America. Currently this money is still in the Bank's custody. Recently, my Doctor told me I would not be in the next Four months due to my cancer disease.  
 
It goes on for a few more paragiraffes, but never once is there a mention of anything Philippines, but meh...it's the scam that counts.
 
My pet rock, Seymour, doesn't speak Filipino.  As he sarcastically pointed out, neither do I; but I have the smarts to make use of teh Gooble Translooter, while Seymour just responds in gobblespeak.
 
"Do NOT!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"
 
At any rate, here's the response that went back to Ms Antoinette in Filipino/gobblespeak, translated for y'all:
 
 
During the Great Patriotic Wart, I lived a banal existence as a prostitute for the 37th Infantry Brigade at the Solomeeo Barracks in Petsamo. Inky Binky the Ass Clown was there doing quickies for pork chop money and I did all the things any good Bulgar would want done if on drugs and semi-conscious.

Now I'm at a clinic for fallen vaginas in Kamala Lamplighter, seeking a rebush that will put everything back where it fell from. My witch doctor tells me that I have a 50-80 chance to become fully gender fluid by operation's end, and this leaves me wondering what bathroom will be right for me, and if he used Crummy Core math or not to arrive at that statistic. The truly important thing here is that it changes nothing in the larger scheme of things: democraps are still douche canoes.



So to those of you who think flights of fancy are simply drug-induced hallucinogenic episodes, I say twitterpation is the art of saying not much of value in under 280 characters, especially when you're of the left and have single-digit IQs.

Pursuant to disgusto flatulent supremo ack filtering, devil bunnies, devil bunnies, I snort the banana! Your results may vary, depending on which Beatles record you play backwards.



So it is and forever more shall be a jackwagon loaded with sh*t to be living in a democrap-controlled place of ever-accelerating failure. A place where no one knows their gender and needs a safe room when anyone says "Trump".


And so I say un to you, the great unwashed nincompoops of the DNC, you created dumbed-down education, and it brought you the Cortez thing. You built that. Enjoy how it dumbs down your entire party ever more.



Don't try sex with a pineapple; it doesn't work.


Praise a coke bottle in pantaloons!  


There was no reply from Ms Antoinette, who was probably made even sicker after seeing what I dun to her email, Ma.

Meanwhile the Cortez thing is out there, somewhere, pissed off that nobody likes her.  Other than devil bunny banana snorters...

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Tuesday, April 16, 2019

They Shot The Roomba

..but they didn't shoot the scammer too...with pending apologies to Eric Clapton.

Actually, this post isn't really about Roomba vacuum cleaners getting shot.  But because it concerns an online email scammer, one never knows what I'll manage to work into the narrative.

And how long it will take the scammer to notice.

Here's how we start:


Dear sir/madam,

Let me start by introducing myself to you, My name is Mariam Abdul , I am writing this message to seek for your partnership., the civil war in my country Syria has affected my life so much. I lost my family two years ago.

My father was a rich business man before his death, he was doing oil & gas business, he had an oil company here in Damascus, Syria. He was also doing gold business.  He made a big money $25.3 Million US Dollar, the money is deposited with Emirates NBD Bank Dubai, UAE, but the parent bank is Sun Trust Bank in America, USA, where he does business,  I am the next of kin but I can not retrieve or return the money back to Syria because of the war in Syria.

Please I need you to assist me receive the money and we can agree for you to invest it, until I recover from my sickness and come over to meet with you over there in your country.

I want to appoint you as my partner and the Emirates NBD Bank Dubai, UAE,, will transfer the money to you. I will send to you all the documents and information for deposit of the money.

Please let me know if you can do this for me, this is my real story, please I need your help.

Kind Regards,

Mariam Abdul
please contact me on my private mail  mariamabdul5757@gmail.com
 
 
There's a civil war where?  
 
 
My father was a rich business man before his death, he was doing oil & gas business, he had an oil company here in Damascus, Syria. He was also doing gold business.  He made a big money $25.3 Million US Dollar, the money is deposited with Emirates NBD Bank Dubai, UAE, but the parent bank is Sun Trust Bank in America, USA, where he does business,  I am the next of kin but I can not retrieve or return the money back to Syria because of the war in Syria.  please let me know if you can help me in this my condition  
 
 
And what is your condition?  I'm not a doctor but once played one behind the garage with Wendy Jo.   
 

 the war in Syrian affected me so much i am an orphan, am sick I want a partner  who can assist me and receive this money that my father made once the money been transfer to your account we will sign a contract before starting an investment when i recover from my sickness I will come over to your country we will re-invest.  please let me know if you can help me and assist the money?    



What kind of assist does the money need?   

in Syria 
 
 
The money needs an assist in Syria?  What kind of an assist?  
 
 
Please, I need you to assist me to receive the money and we can agree as partners for you to invest on behalf of me until I recover from my sickness and come over to meet with you over there in your country.  
 
 
Oh...so you want me to assist YOU.  Why didn't you say so?
Just how sick are you?  Is your black and blue text an indication?  
 
 
I am very sick am about to undergo surgery, Thank you for understanding my situation.  i want you to help me and receive the money as my trustee partner then you can start investing in your country on behalf of me when I recover from my sickness I can come over and meet with you.  I waiting for your reply soon.  
 
 
Are you sure you want to start investing in THIS country at this particular time?  My gawd, the police are arresting and shooting roombas!  It may not be a good time.  Have you considered Liechtenstein?  
 
 
What do you mean???  
 
 
I mean that it's a bad time to be a Roomba around here.  A Roomba has never been shot in Liechtenstein.  Never in recorded history.  I foresee a great Roomba migration to Liechtenstein as a result.  Might be something therein with investment opportunities to consider.
 
 
Are you serious???  Are you have fun at me???  
 
 
Yes I am serious...this is my serious font.  No, I was talking about Roombas.  You aren't one...are you?  
 
 
if you won't help can you be able to get me an assistant, please I really need a trusted partner who can help me  


How about a Roomba?  Within their limits, they're pretty good assistants.  Long as you don't shoot them.  


Where is Roomba?  I need an assistant very bad much!  


Roomba isn't a where; it's a what.  Just the kind of assistant do you need very bad much?


Please can you do this for me this is my real story I need your assistant!  


And there you have it:  your real story is tailor-made for a Roomba.  Nothing will do for you like a Roomba; nothing.  


Are you help me or not???  


I did:  ROOMBA. That is your one and only hope.  That is your only reason for BEING.  That is your soul and inspiration.  Forget the gun AND the cannoli:  ROOMBA, baby.  Roomba.  Who should I say is calling when you've made the only decision you'll ever need?


After that, the scammer didn't seem to relish any further repartee here.
 
Perhaps she WAS a Roomba....and mebbe they DO shoot them in Syria.

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Saturday, April 13, 2019

A Failure To....Communicate Yet Again

And I suspect that the same diagnosis would result from an exam of my latest scammer, as one will quickly discern in the series of exchanges here:


Good Day!

I am contacting you regarding a special cargo that has been abandoned
here at our warehouse for over a period of 2 years and when scanned,it
revealed an undisclosed sum of money in it. From my findings, the cargo
originated from Europe and the content was not declared as money by the
consignor in order to avoid diversion by the shipping agent, and also
failure to pay the special cargo non-inspection fee of US$3,200. I
strongly believe the box will contain about US$4.5 million or more.

In my private search for a reliable person, my proposal now is to
present you as the recipient of the cargo since the shipper has
abandoned it which is a possibility due to the fact it has been
abandoned for a period whereby a new beneficiary can be presented to the
clearance department for claim and also my position at this shipping
service. I will pay for the fee and arrange for the cargo to be
delivered to your address. Alternatively, I can personally bring it
myself and then we share the total money in the box equally.

Regards,

Mr. Alaba Ajele
Asst. Operations Manager
Zim American Integrated Shipping Services Co. LLC.
Chicago (IL) Agents: 9950 W.Lawrence Avenue,
Suite 215 Schiller Park, IL 60176  



Your search for a primate just took a weird turn.  


Dear Jack Ewehoff,

     Thanks for your quick response to my email. Please I have crossed checked the customs clearance declaration on the airway bill of the cargo and it is confirmed the cargo was truly not properly declared as "Money" instead it was declared as family treasures which means I need a Non Inspection Clearance Certificate from TSA to ensure we get Customs Approval document to get the cargo removed from our warehouse and shipped to your destination. However, like I stated in my email, this Non Inspection Clearance process will cost $3,200 which I am ready to pay myself to ensure we can get this delivery process rolling but you have to assure me that my own share of the funds will be given to me in the event I am not able to deliver cargo to you myself which I will try but not 100% certain due to my commitments at my job. So kindly get back to me with this final assurance to ensure I can move ahead with the clearance and delivery protocol of the abandoned cargo.
    
     Furthermore, for you to have full confidence of the existence of this consignment, the US Customs Ultra Scan Report from the JF Kennedy Airport New York where the cargo was scanned by the authorities is attached to this email which indicates that the trunk boxes have been scanned and confirmed to be filled with United States Currency. So in order for me to negotiate with the officials for the release of the withheld package to you, I will go ahead and pay for the US Non Inspection Charges which was the main reason the consignment was with-held since these charges were not paid by the diplomatic agent delivering this consignment to from Europe and complete shipment.
    
     At this point, I advice you re-confirm your Names in full, address again, Telephone number and the nearest airport to your home then wait to hear from me once I have paid for the Non Inspection Charges and concluded negotiations for the release of the consignment to you but you have to assure me once again that my own share of the money will be given to me as I am doing this all by my own and not with the consent of my colleagues  



That's because of your quick search for a primate that resulted in the trunk being labeled "monkey".
Did you spank the monkey?  
 
 
Why not think wise now and be happy in life with ur funds ok  
 
 
I thought my last response was pretty wise overall.
And I am outstanding in the field of estimating chances of success vs failure.
You apparently aren't.  
 
 
Thank you so much for your email to me I am so happy you write me back my good friend I have to tell you the real truth .now I have to get your full name and address so that I can move and uesd your infromation to get the cargo out of the agent office .my boss is so happy that you write back so let start from there and see that the cargo get to your address OK .the cargo no body knwo is money inside only you and me  and my boss so thw agent did not knwo any thing about this deal ok.the agent know that the cargo inside is cloths and shoe that inside the cargoso my good friend I am waiting to get your aaddress and your full name and cell number have a nice day and God bless you and your family member Amen.  
 
 
Thank you for confirming my previous assessment.  
 
 
Thank you so much my good friend I will be waiting for the infromation so that I can get every thing don before the end of next week try and make sure you sent your home address and your cell phone number so that booths of us can talk on how we can meet and share the funds at the end of the deal OK  
 
 
No problem.  I got this.  
 
 
I did not get the infromation I need try and sent it ok  
 
 
No sweat, I got this.  
 
 
What is going sir? Still waiting to hear from you ok  
 
 
No worries.  I got this.  
 
 
Pls try and sent your cell number we need to talk ok  
 
 
My number doubles as my fax number:  ***-***-****.  Call any time.  I've got this too.  
 
 
We need your house address to get your documents on your name to show that real you are the  owner of the cargo  
 
 
My house doesn't wear a dress.  But no worries...I've got this:
*** G****** Street
******* **** CO 80***
USA  
 
 
STILL WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU OK  
 
 
No problem...got your email.  I've so got this.  
 
 
So when we you sent the balance $700?  
 
 
As soon as North Korea establishes a colony on Uranus.  They've got this.  
 
 
This is to inform you that all modalities have been put in place to enhance a hitch free transaction so what is need of you at the moment is for you 
to send the $700 as instructed so that the cargo can be sent to you,please avail me the details
once payment is done.  
 
 
You are noted for availance once this is done.  
 
 
 Thanks we will be expecting the payment details  


Soon as the payment grows tails, you'll be the first to know.  


thanks for your mail, please see the payment information below:You should make the payment of the $700 through western union to the information below and send me the western union receipt as proof of payment so that your cargo can be shipped to you.

NAME:GABRIEL SIMENTAL
CITY: VISTA
STATE: CALIFORNIA
ZIP CODE: 92084
COUNTRY: USA  
 
 
Great.  I'm so all over this...you'll be positively amazed at how much so.


 Are you going to sent the money today?  


I have checked teh calendar and balances.  It won't be today.  Perhaps a day or two to the somethingth power.  Your results may vary.  


Try and make sure you sent the money this week Ok  


It would be splendiferous if things came together in the manure you wish.  Optimism is a good thing in Delusionville.  


Which date will u sent the money?  


That is a great question.  I'm dating three women at present, all with their own faults and attributes.  I guess the one that pleases me the most will get the money.  Make sense to you?  


what this you say?  


Okay, after serious consideration, I am awarding the money to Charity, since she was the one of my three dates the pleased me the most.  If your vote was for Maggie May or Mustang Sally, sorry.  Charity gets it all.  Yowza.

After all this, my last reply was the one the idiot finally read.  Nothing but online *cricket* ever since...
 

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Wednesday, April 10, 2019

Fartcalypse

Worry not, Missy...here's more for you to snowflake over.

I rather doubt that most overseas scammers know or care much about Alexandria Obtuse-Clownez or her idiotic Green New Deal. 

But scammers visiting my character's email address are certainly getting something of an education.

Here's the latest that was probably clueless:


Dear Sir/Madam, I am Barrister Lucien Le Priol, a British/American attorney currently in the UK on work purpose. I want to discuss business opportunity with you. I will proceed further with more information when I receive your reply. Yours Sincerely, Barrister Lucien Le Priol Attorney Richter Law Office, LLC Address: 984 4th Ave S, Park Falls, WI 54552 Website: www.richterlawoffice.com Email: lucienlepriol@richartors.com   


Enter, stage right, that indomitable "editing gone wild" pet rock, Seymour, and his latest edit-to-educate-on-AO Cortez:


From: Richter-Scale Law Office, LLC <admin@besanyoo.cf>
Sent: Thursday, March 14, 2019 3:21 PM
To: info@richartors.com
Subject: BUSINESS PROPOSAL ISSUED WITH DISCLAIMERS DISABLED

 
Dear Gender Neutral so as to not assume gender and offend those easily offended thereby:

I am Bannister Lucien Le Priol, a British/American/Armenian/Rastafarian/Uranusian/Octosexual Orthopodian atturkey currently in the UK on work purpose...or perhaps I'm here to work on porpoise, I dunno.  WhatEVER....I want to discuss business opportunity with you.  What that means in Clouseauian is that I wish have speaks with you on matters inconsequential to the bowel emanations of cows but are perhaps germane or French to those of more obtuse interests.  I think.  Until I hear if AO Cortez is pissed by what I just wrote, I won't know for sure what I just said contextually.  I just know that she's not bright enough to know herself.

In an age where cow farts are the harbinger of a world-ending aphartcalypse in ten-twelve years, it seems incumbent upon the sjw of Hollywad to get started NOW on a movie trilogy that addresses how Luke Fartstopper takes out the evil galactic Death Fart before it immolates us all through the insidious introduction of climatologically incendairy sturmpharten cows that moo under the banner of a clenched hoof and the phrase "Milk THIS!", as they strike back against eons of Mr. Steaks and Milk Duds.
 
Not to mention against all the people who have "moo'd" at them from passing cars.  Depending on which failed network or nightly squawk show you choose to place your single-digit IQ in trust of, dictates just how in a wad your panties currently are that we have not yet destroyed all of society with the Green New Deal.  However, worry not lovers-of-all-things socialist:  you too can move to Venezuela anytime you want. 
Cognizant of the severe constraints on common sense in leftist society, I will proceed further with more information when I receive your reply. Those of you as dumbed down as AO Cortez, you may respond with words of more than one syllable if you know any.
Yours Sincerely,
Bannister Milk of Magnesia,
Lucien Le Priol, Atturkey outlawed
Richter-Scale Law Office, LLC
Address: 9 Constipation Road,
               Lagos Nigeria
               Website: www.you'ref**kingkiddingmeright.com
               Email: lucienlepriol@richartors.com   
 
 
The atturkey hasn't bothered to respond to this edit.  Neither have sjws with wadded panties anytime AO Cortez is made light of.  Which is probably just as well, since AO Cortez makes light of herself with every comment she udders...

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Sunday, April 7, 2019

Pet Rock Edits For Fools

My pet rock, Seymour, certainly loves editing scammer emails.

Long ones.  Short ones.  Really bad ones, almost good ones.  Seymour edits them all.

Like this one from a purported online bank in the UK:


From the Management of:
Scotia Bank,
80 Haymarket London SW1Y 4TE
London UK

REF:- INSTRUCTION TO CREDIT YOUR ACCOUNT WITH THE SUM OF US$17,000,000.00.

This is to notify you about this said fund.

After due vetting and evaluation of your file that was sent to us by the
WOrld Bank in conjunction with the Ministry of Foreign Affair and
Central Bank of England.

This bank has an instruction to see to the immediate release of the sum of
US$17,000,000.00(Seventeen Million United States Dollars Only). of your
Inheritance fund claim that has been holding since is transferred into
your bank Account from their Domiciliary Account with this Bank.

We were meant to understand from our findings that you have been going
through hard ways by passing through difficulties to see to the release of
your Seventeen Million United States Dollars Only($17,000,000.00), which
has been the handwork of some miscreant elements from that Country.

The only thing required from you is to obtain NON-RESIDENT CLEARANCE
CERTIFICATE, which we are not asking you to pay the fee to us here in
UNITED KINGDOM as the Government in conjunction with Ministry of Foreign
Affair has paid us for handling/processing of your Payment with other
customers. We will help you to see that you obtain the mandatory
Non-Resident Clearance Certificate so that our bank will effect the
Immediate transfer of your Inheritance Fund Of ($17 000, 000.00) into your
designated bank account.

We advice that you stop further communication with any correspondence from
anywhere concerning your funds, because you don't have to pass through any
difficult to receive your fund, as you have meet up with the whole
requirements.

We know that your representatives in Nigeria or anywhere will advice you
to still go ahead with them, which will be at your own risk.

Your Seventeen Million United States Dollars Only($17,000,000.00) will
reflect into your designated Bank Account within three (3) Bank working
days from the day you obtain this Non-Resident Clearance Certificate.
We also advice you not to go through anybody again but only through this
Bank if you really want your fund.

Your Full Name:...........
Your Contact Address:.........
Occupation:.......
Age:............
Private Telephone:..............

Once again, you are advice to direct your respond to our Fund Remittance
Dept. with the above email address.

Your immediate response is highly needed to enable us commence for the
transfer.

Congratulation to your inheritance fund.

Sorry if you receive this letter in your spam,Due to recent connection
error here in England

Thanks and God bless you.
Yours sincerely,

Dr.Arlester Ricks.
Head Private Banking Section
Scotia Bank London UK

GRUPO NUTRESA S.A.

ADVERTENCIA SOBRE CONFIDENCIALIDAD

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When he edits, Seymour takes into account all sorts of current and past news, trends, fads and stupid quotes from assordid and sundried lamestream leftist media darlings like AOC and Kathy The Crypt Keeper Griffin:

From the Management of:
Scotia Bank,
80 Haymarket London SW1Y 4TE
London UK

REF:- INSTRUCTION TO AVOID DRUIDS BY FARTING ON HALLOWEEN

This is to notify you about this peculiar circumstandard.

After due vetting and evaluation of your perpendicular antecedence

that was sent to us by the Abject Order of Flying Monkey Farts in
conjunction with the Ministry of Menstrual Affair and the oft-ridiculed
Central Bank of England which reminds you that excess pounds are
not good in a thong, we are here to tell you that we forgot what we
are here to tell you.

This bank has an instruction to see to the immediate release of every
flying kitchen appliance possessed by wiccan basket weavers of the
Gregorian sect of the Genital Order of Non-Assumption, Berkeley
chapter.  What this means for you has yet to be figured out, but as
we see it here, it probably won't be any better than when your
girlfriend got access to your computer email account and learned
of your perverse love of butt-boinking marmots.

We were meant to understand from our findings that making credible
bracket selections for March Madness are probably cheese ball; you are
therefore going through hard ways by passing bowel movements sideways.
That's probably the handwork of some miscreant elements from an
unaccredited school of proctology.

The only things required from you is to obtain the following items:
 
 
  1. A molar from an Arkansas toothed hen
  2. An eye of cyclops
  3. A seeing-eye service animal for #2
  4. NON-RESIDENT CLEARANCE CLARENCE ROGER OVER..HUH?
  5. The answer to who hit Annie in the fanny with a flounder
  6. A working brain for Alexandria Occluded Cortez
  7. A translator for Nancy Bela Pelosi
  8. A way to bring back The Gong Show
  9. Credibility for cnn
  10. ..er..never mind on #9
  11. A feces-free street in San Freakcisco
  12. Official declaration of the food desert for zombies at the DNC
  13. ..eh..never mind on #11 or #12 either
  14. A ghost writer for Hellary Clinton's next presidential post-election loss book
 We are not asking much of you we think.
We advice that you stop further communication with any correspondence from
anywhere related to Uranus or other planetary and rectal localities, because you
can't authenticate these sources as occipital, octagonal, octopusical or orgasmic.

We know your representative in Nigeria personally, and we can assure you that
he is lower than snake spit.

Your cooperation here will go far to solving the question of corking cow farts
to save the Earth from a fate worse than a cnn show starting Anthony Weiner
and hosted by dead career'd Kathy "Crypt Keeper" Griffin, flat-chested topless
home window dancer.
 
Once again, you are advice to direct your respond to this email, on accounta
cuz, aunt or uncle.

Your immediate response is highly needed to enable us to keep our sack-of-shit
jobs in this fly-infested internet cafe in Ghana.

Congratulations for this dubious honor we hope you'll follow up on.

Sorry if you receive this letter in your spam; just wipe off the gelatin and
continue.
God bless you if you just sneezed.  Shame on you if it was a fart.

Dr.Arlester Has Ricketts
Head Primate, Slow Evolution Section
Scotia Bank London UK

CONFIDENTIAL WARNING

Flamingos are mean.  They bite.  
 
 
Seymour's two biggest disappointments here are when he doesn't get a response from the scammers; and when these edits don't net him a Pulitzer.
 
I think he's won a few Pull-My-Fangers though...
 
 
"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTT!!!"


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Thursday, April 4, 2019

Me Has Been Warned

Yup.  I is been warned.

By the Department of Justice.

In reading it, I wasn't sure that I wasn't being pranked by Rusting colluders or sumpin' like dat.

Here's what they sended me:

U.s. Department of justice950 pennsylvania Avenue, Nw
Washington, DC
205330-0001
 
Department of justice
 
Attention:  

The justice department hereby email you regarding the scam
activities on the internet, we have a notice right in front of us
that you are having something to do with some internet spammers
all in the name of the compensation funds and winning funds. this
emails you get usually come from the spammers who claim to be the
FBI, INTERPOL,EFCC,UNITED NATION, INTERNATIONAL MONETARY FUND and
some other scam names that mostly comes from Africa countries
like, GHANA,NIGERIA,BENIN REPUBLIC.
 
we got the notice on our desk this morning from the inspector
General of head internet security (Gen. Daniel Doherty) You are
asked to stop all contact you have been in so far with any of
those so called spammers or else your case file will be stamped
as money laundry.
 
You are advised to get back to us with all that have been sent to
you by those spammers to hasten our investigation on who is
behind all this and who have been collecting your hard earned
income...

Note: you are asked to get back as soon as possible...or we will
have to inform the local police in your area. and your case will
be worst if you don't cooperate with us to get those spammers red
handed. 

That is why we email you to know more details first because that
is the easiest way to reach our good citizen's, so you are to
provide all the necessary details and we shall inform you if
truly there is any consignment for you at all, our duty is to
protect our entire citizen's and keep them away from any harm or
what so ever damage they are into.


You are advised to get back to us as soon as possible or your
name will be listed among those to be persecuted by the act of
money laundry.

You are warned.
 
God Bless America.
 
Best regard,
General Mascott Bradley
.  



Wasn't that nice?  And they blessed us, too.

Me thinks this h'yar edit will fix the blessing:



From: U.s.Department <info@senders.com>
Sent: Sunday, March 31, 2019 2:02 PM
To: longwindedjackanapes101@hotmail.com
Subject: Attention: The Jaundice department hereby email you regarding the scam activities on the internet
 
U.s. Department of Jaundice
950 pencilvania Avenue, Nw
Washington, DC 205330-0001

Department of Jaundice

Ack tongue (Joe Biden sneaked up on us again):

The Jaundice department hereby email you regarding the scam
activities on the internet, we have a notice right in front of us
that you are having something to do with some internet scammers
all in the name of Rusting Collusion and Wackyleaks. this them
emails you get usually come from the scammers who claim to be the
FBI, INTERPOL, EFCC, UNITED NATION, INTERNATIONAL MONETARY FUND,
Department Of Horndawg Suckurity and Department of Jaundice, just to
name achooo! And there are probably others that mostly comes from Third
World sh*tholes like GHANA, NIGERIA, BENIN REPUBLIC, DNC, cnn and that
Cortez broad from 14th district in NYC.

We found the notice on our desk this morning amongst our subscriptions
of Spank The Monkey Times, sent us from the inspector Genital of head
internet security (Genital Daniel DOHerty). You are advise-d that you just
up and stop all contact you have been in so far with any of those so called
scammers or else your case file will be stamped as monkey laundry and
fondled accordionly.
 

 You are advised to get back to us with all that have been found on Hellary's
server that wound up with Chinese, Russian, Liechtensteinian, Uranusian and
about anyone else's intelligence soivices, originally sended to you by those
scammers to blog down our investigation on who is behind all this because
unlike Sharpai Soros and the DNC, we can't wait two years and waste millions
in US taxpayer monies to get Maxipad Waters and Pencil Neck Schiff in
self-fouling mode over what your current POTUS had to do widdit.

Note: you are asked to get black as soon as possible...or we will
have to inform the local Antifa in your area and your case will
be worst if you don't cooperate with us to get those scammers
spanked like a monkey at a strip club in the basement of the DNC.

That is why we emailed Fusion GPS first because that is the easiest way to
get sh*t made up as quack as possumbull, so you are to provide all the
necessarials and we shall inform you if truly there is any collusion that we
can blame on the current POTUS since the Rusting ankle didn't make
that Madcow dude on ms13nbc happy. It is our doody to come up with
crapazoidal whackadoodlry that helps keep cnn at the bottom of the
outhouse pit of cred, since they so love wallowing there.  Protecting
them from the throes of integrity is what they do without us, but we
like to think we're helping them in that.

You are advised to get back to us as soon as possumbull or your
name will be listed among those to be prostipork-ed by the act of
monkey laundry which loses socks even faster than you do. 

 You are warned.

Don't let your girls grow up to get slobberknocked by DNC dinosaurs.
Give my regards to that Cortez broad,
Genital Alec Baldwin
Cmdr. Twat Waffle Department
US Department of Jaundice
 
 
I suspect that they'll figure out they weren't taken seriously h'yar...

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Monday, April 1, 2019

Never Mind The Date...It Won't Help

Godzilla saw the advanced text here.  'Splains much.

My pet rock, Seymour, recently demanded that he be considered as an "emotional support pet rock".

I told him fine...who needed his emotional support?

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

So much for his first test.

In the meantime, Seymour went on to suggest that our contemporary understanding of dinosaurs is faulty.  And the few Jurassic Park movies have not been much help.

You see, unlike yours truly, my pet rock Seymour has been around a spell.  Quite a spell.  Such a spell that he may have, at one time, been a kidney stone to a triciploplotz, or one of those now-extinct fangled things.  Something that still gives Seymour the heebie-geebies when he sees any dinosaur movies, no matter how cheeseball they are.

Still, Seymour seems to think that dinosaurs get the shaft in contemporary understanding.  He went so far as to suggest that a velociraptor would make a fine emotional service animal.

He didn't think it funny when I said "yeah, a velociraptor would make a fine service animal...into dinner".

At any rate, Seymour demanded that I draft a proposal for including velociraptors as "emotional support animals" under federal law.

When you consider how utterly ridiculous some state and federal legislators are busy jacking up law on all levels these days, I should find this child's play. I just suggest it not be your child playing with it:


Information About Emotional Support Velociraptors
 
Emotional support velociraptors are impossibly extinct, and are pretty much incapable of providing
comfort and support in forms not well understood by them for an individual suffering from various
conditions mocked on The Gong Show. An emotional support velociraptor is therefore not currently
required to perform any specific tasks requiring vibrators, Salad Shooters or remotes. They are in
fact meant solely for imaginary scenarios concocted by meth’d up screenwriters in Hollyweird to
create off-the-wall movie scripts about the imaginary, potentially leading to SNL skits and
PETA protests on behalf of poor, ill-tempered carnivores. With their being extinct – unless you count Nancy Pelosi – emotional support velociraptors would likely not assist with any conditions wherein achieving improvement is desired or occurs. Depending, of course, on your definition of “is”.
 
 
Emotional support velociraptors aren’t protected under some peculiar federal laws...yet
 
Due to the current status of extinction, emotional support velociraptors enjoy no enumerated
protections under any obscure and little-understood asides in the Federal Endangered Feces Act
(FEFA). Granted, with a nudge from the ASPCA or PETA to a sandpoundingly stupid public policy
wonk, DNC vote harvesters will be prompted to come up with ways to repopulate the species and register them to vote democrap. The FEFA finds obscure and non-sequitur ways to extend protections to almost anything irrational in this manure.  Not convinced?  Since the Russian collusion investigation went phfft,
look for the House Lack-of-Intelligence Crimemittee to demand an investigation of the current POTUS to uncover his role in conspiring with a comet to make dinosaur extinction happen so to provide oil companies with something to sell millennia later.
 
Don't worry:  if abject idiots like Adam Schiff hasn't thunk of this yet, he will.
 
 
A Medical Recommendation Won’t Mean Much
 
Like service dogs, a claimant will be required to have a letter from anyone claiming professional
nincompoopery who is ready willing and able to assert that the claimant have an emotional support
velociraptor for their condition. Whatever that condition – and unlike service dogs – the introduction
to the claimant of an emotional support velociraptor will result in an almost immediate cure of the
claimant’s condition, regardless of what it is. Being eaten does, after all, relieve one of having to file
taxes the next year.
 
With that alone, we’re almost talking ourselves into this.
 
Identifying emotional support velociraptors in public
 
Once the first emotional support velociraptor is introduced into existence and the public venue, the
public will have no problem with identifying it when it chases them around and eats them.
Curiously, some businesses will prefer to see a YouTube video of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders
that has nothing to do with a pillaging emotional support velociraptor. We understand.​
 
 
List of Reasons Bugs Conned Daffy Into the
“So Shoot Me Now!” Routine
 
An emotional support velociraptor cannot do anything for a duck that can’t overcome
pronoun trouble with wabbits and Elmer Fudd. Except eat it.  Therefore, we end this
digression before it starts and provide an abbreviated list of some conditions 
individuals will find immediately alleviated by the introduction into their existence of
an emotional support velociraptor:
Any and all problems associated with year-end tax filing.
 
Do you have a neighbor like Elmer Fudd?
 
The National Institute of Animateds with Assorted Disorders shows that more than
1 in 4 adults in the United States have tried at least one Acme product that failed
Wiley Coyote. If one has survived a run-in with the Roadrunner, then that person
is batting .1000 and should forego any opportunity to obtain an emotional support
velociraptor, unless one has the mentality of Wiley Coyote. If one recognizes such
traits in a neighbor, move.
 
 
Living With Emotional Support Velociraptors
 
Keeping emotional support velociraptors happy is easy: give them a sheep every
20 minutes. Run out of sheep and one kinda knows what comes next.
 
 
Flying With Emotional Support Velociraptors
 
Let’s remember: it’s a living, breathing, ravaging velociraptor, and not schooled in the
niceties of air travel ... especially if it’s had a past-life run-in with a pterodactyl. Your
emotional support velociraptor won’t fit in the overhead storage bin, and won’t be kind
anything that does, let alone to luggage underneath the passenger compartment. Best
you send it separately to a destination you’re not going to. Like Newark. Things are
such there that they won’t notice.
 
 
2013 - 2019 US Extinct Species Registry. The US Extinct Species Registry is an
independent organization providing illusionary service dinosaurs that will create
more issues than they solve. They are in no way affiliated with the ADA, though
they may prove very much at home with the OMG and WTF and other associated
acronyms. The material herein should not be shared with DNA researchers, in
case PETA wants to start a fledgling Emotional Support T-Rex project. San
Diego been there and done that.​  
 
 
I think this should pretty much take care of any of us having to worry about
your neighbors being the first on the block to have an emotional support
velociraptor.
 
Unless your neighbors are Tide Pod eaters.

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