Pet Rock Edits For Fools

My pet rock, Seymour, certainly loves editing scammer emails.

Long ones.  Short ones.  Really bad ones, almost good ones.  Seymour edits them all.

Like this one from a purported online bank in the UK:

From the Management of:
Scotia Bank,
80 Haymarket London SW1Y 4TE
London UK

REF:- INSTRUCTION TO CREDIT YOUR ACCOUNT WITH THE SUM OF US$17,000,000.00.

This is to notify you about this said fund.

After due vetting and evaluation of your file that was sent to us by the
WOrld Bank in conjunction with the Ministry of Foreign Affair and
Central Bank of England.

This bank has an instruction to see to the immediate release of the sum of
US$17,000,000.00(Seventeen Million United States Dollars Only). of your
Inheritance fund claim that has been holding since is transferred into
your bank Account from their Domiciliary Account with this Bank.

We were meant to understand from our findings that you have been going
through hard ways by passing through difficulties to see to the release of
your Seventeen Million United States Dollars Only($17,000,000.00), which
has been the handwork of some miscreant elements from that Country.

The only thing required from you is to obtain NON-RESIDENT CLEARANCE
CERTIFICATE, which we are not asking you to pay the fee to us here in
UNITED KINGDOM as the Government in conjunction with Ministry of Foreign
Affair has paid us for handling/processing of your Payment with other
customers. We will help you to see that you obtain the mandatory
Non-Resident Clearance Certificate so that our bank will effect the
Immediate transfer of your Inheritance Fund Of ($17 000, 000.00) into your
designated bank account.

We advice that you stop further communication with any correspondence from
anywhere concerning your funds, because you don't have to pass through any
difficult to receive your fund, as you have meet up with the whole
requirements.

We know that your representatives in Nigeria or anywhere will advice you
to still go ahead with them, which will be at your own risk.

Your Seventeen Million United States Dollars Only($17,000,000.00) will
reflect into your designated Bank Account within three (3) Bank working
days from the day you obtain this Non-Resident Clearance Certificate.
We also advice you not to go through anybody again but only through this
Bank if you really want your fund.

Your Full Name:...........
Your Contact Address:.........
Occupation:.......
Age:............
Private Telephone:..............

Once again, you are advice to direct your respond to our Fund Remittance
Dept. with the above email address.

Your immediate response is highly needed to enable us commence for the
transfer.

Congratulation to your inheritance fund.

Sorry if you receive this letter in your spam,Due to recent connection
error here in England

Thanks and God bless you.
Yours sincerely,

Dr.Arlester Ricks.
Head Private Banking Section
Scotia Bank London UK

GRUPO NUTRESA S.A.

ADVERTENCIA SOBRE CONFIDENCIALIDAD

La información contenida en este correo electrónico, incluyendo sus anexos, esta dirigida exclusivamente a su destinatario y puede contener datos de carácter confidencial protegidos por la ley. Si usted no es el destinatario de este mensaje por favor infórmenos y elimínelo a la mayor brevedad. Cualquier retención, difusión, distribución, divulgación o copia de éste mensaje es prohibida y será sancionada por la ley.

CONFIDENTIAL WARNING

The information contained in this e-mail, with all its attachments, is intended for the use of the individual or entity to whom it is addressed and may have confidential data. if you are not the intended recipient, please send back and delete the received message immediately. Any retention, dissemination, distribution or copying of this message is strictly prohibited and punished by law.   

When he edits, Seymour takes into account all sorts of current and past news, trends, fads and stupid quotes from assordid and sundried lamestream leftist media darlings like AOC and Kathy The Crypt Keeper Griffin:

From the Management of:
Scotia Bank,
80 Haymarket London SW1Y 4TE
London UK

REF:- INSTRUCTION TO AVOID DRUIDS BY FARTING ON HALLOWEEN

This is to notify you about this peculiar circumstandard.

After due vetting and evaluation of your perpendicular antecedence

that was sent to us by the Abject Order of Flying Monkey Farts in

conjunction with the Ministry of Menstrual Affair and the oft-ridiculed
Central Bank of England which reminds you that excess pounds are

not good in a thong, we are here to tell you that we forgot what we

are here to tell you.

This bank has an instruction to see to the immediate release of every

flying kitchen appliance possessed by wiccan basket weavers of the

Gregorian sect of the Genital Order of Non-Assumption, Berkeley

chapter.  What this means for you has yet to be figured out, but as

we see it here, it probably won't be any better than when your

girlfriend got access to your computer email account and learned

of your perverse love of butt-boinking marmots.

We were meant to understand from our findings that making credible

bracket selections for March Madness are probably cheese ball; you are

therefore going through hard ways by passing bowel movements sideways.

That's probably the handwork of some miscreant elements from an

unaccredited school of proctology.

The only things required from you is to obtain the following items:

 

 

1. A molar from an Arkansas toothed hen
2. An eye of cyclops
3. A seeing-eye service animal for #2
4. NON-RESIDENT CLEARANCE CLARENCE ROGER OVER..HUH?
5. The answer to who hit Annie in the fanny with a flounder
6. A working brain for Alexandria Occluded Cortez
7. A translator for Nancy Bela Pelosi
8. A way to bring back The Gong Show
9. Credibility for cnn
10. ..er..never mind on #9
11. A feces-free street in San Freakcisco
12. Official declaration of the food desert for zombies at the DNC
13. ..eh..never mind on #11 or #12 either
14. A ghost writer for Hellary Clinton's next presidential post-election loss book

 We are not asking much of you we think.

We advice that you stop further communication with any correspondence from
anywhere related to Uranus or other planetary and rectal localities, because you

can't authenticate these sources as occipital, octagonal, octopusical or orgasmic.

We know your representative in Nigeria personally, and we can assure you that

he is lower than snake spit.

Your cooperation here will go far to solving the question of corking cow farts

to save the Earth from a fate worse than a cnn show starting Anthony Weiner

and hosted by dead career'd Kathy "Crypt Keeper" Griffin, flat-chested topless

home window dancer.

 
Once again, you are advice to direct your respond to this email, on accounta

cuz, aunt or uncle.

Your immediate response is highly needed to enable us to keep our sack-of-shit

jobs in this fly-infested internet cafe in Ghana.

Congratulations for this dubious honor we hope you'll follow up on.

Sorry if you receive this letter in your spam; just wipe off the gelatin and

continue.

God bless you if you just sneezed.  Shame on you if it was a fart.

Dr.Arlester Has Ricketts
Head Primate, Slow Evolution Section
Scotia Bank London UK

CONFIDENTIAL WARNING

Flamingos are mean.  They bite.  

 

 

Seymour's two biggest disappointments here are when he doesn't get a response from the scammers; and when these edits don't net him a Pulitzer.

 

I think he's won a few Pull-My-Fangers though...

 

 

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTT!!!"