The Audience Was Amused

Not every scammer has a grasp of the basics of their craft.

Some forget to 'bcc' all the recipients of their email.

I kinda get a kick out of receiving those...I know that a lot of the email addresses I'm seeing probably come from the same place where I planted the one my character uses.

So when editing the email, it just don't seem right if my character doesn't hit 'reply all' and include all those folks in what my character done to the scammer's email, Ma.

Like this one:


Good day and Compliments,
My name is Jane Walker; I am from Heath town in Alabama City of USA. Presently I am in Afghanistan, where am working with the US International Red Cross Organization under United Nations programs. I am Nurse practitioners (NP), a health professional. I am 27yrs of age, single and also a born again Christian and I am also a Kingdom Minded person, It is my desire to serve the military faithfully and be a servant "of whom the world is worthy" according to HEBREWS 11.

Although I am assuring you that you have nothing to be worried about, as far as I am concerned, because I am doing this not by my power neither by my own decision but through a divine direction / instruction from God.

With a desperate need for an mutual business proposal that will benefit both of us, I have been blessed to come about some box contenting $2.5million US Dollars here in Afghanistan and i want to work with you to ship it out of this country and invest it in NGO FOUNDATION and HELPING WIDOWS AND MOTHERLESS CHILDREN AND POOR COUNTRIES with your advice and assistance, I am entrusting this $2.5m US Dollars to you and want you to use the money for the work of God in your Country.

If you are really interested in this transaction truly for the purpose of God's work only, in order to extend His Kingdom, and also for me to be well assured and have solid assurance that the fund that will be given to you, will be used wisely by you for God's work to facilitate what God is doing through your Country. As soon as I hear from you, I will tell you how to go about this project.

Yours sincerely,
Ms. Jane Walker.     


In counting all the email addys not masked, there were over 100 of them...including my character's.  So the edit went back to them all as this:


 Good Golly Miss Molly What's That Condiment You're Wearing?

My name for today is Jane Walker; I have had many such and unrelated names in templates gone by.  But before I digress, I am from Heath town in Alabama City of USA.  I was going to check Google Oith, but it had me somewhere's in the Gulf of Mexico on porpoise.  Not sure where I was going with that one, but back to my poorly-crafted template of dubious intent and antecedence.

Presently I am in Afghanistan, where am working with the Intergalactic Geologic Survey, a substandard offshoot of the Eunuched Nations programs. According to this h'yar, I am a Geology whisperer; I provide therapy and soothement to rocks.  Never thought that rocks got stressed?  Where do you think earthquakes come from?  And try being a lava rock, afraid of heights, and blowd miles in the air after an eruption.  Yes, there is a need for me.  And Afghanistan supplies that need nicely.

Lessee, what else am I supposed to say h'yar:  I am 27yrs of age, single and also a bored-again Buddirafsagarian with Wiccan fingernails.  I am also a Kingdom-minded person, It is my desire to serve faithfully and be a servant "of whom the world is worthy" according to the coffee maker HEBREWS MAXWELL HOUSE 11.

 Although I am assuring you that you have nothing to be worried about, if you're reading this closely you SHOULD be concerned, because you know I've gone completely out of my mind...AND...they're coming to take me away ha-ha, hoho, hehe to the happy home, with bees and flowers and chirping baskets that sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes...*note to proofreader:  what hallucinogen-using whackadoodle is proofing these templates???*

Actually, I am doing this not by my power neither by my own decision but through a divine direction / instruction from someone snorting helium from behind a green curtain in the palace of Oz. 

 With a desperate need for a mutual business proposal that will benefit me while screwing the rest of y'all, I have been blessed to come about some box contenting a rapidly-aging quantity of molding hummus here in Afghanistan and i want to work with someone -- ANYONE -- including you or looks somewhat like you to ship it out of this country and invest it in ARGO FYS FOUNDATION and HELPING WINDOWS AND MUTHALESS CRETINS AND POOR ASTEROIDS with your advice and assistance.  I would have added to that list sh*t house wombats, but I've never met one and am not sure what they could add to this already surreal proposal.

 If you are really interested in this transaction truly for the purpose of a random Coke bottle dropped in a Third World locality, where it becomes some kind of deity that Hollyweird will use as movie fodder, it's here now.  In order to extend this already peculiar Kingdom to Uranus, and also for me to be well assured and have solid assurance that you are of limited mind but willing remainder, I will be happy to know that someone out there on the internet has the intellect of a petrified tree stump.

That could be important down the road, especially if the bridge is out at the end of it.

 As soon as I hear from you, I will know that you didn't read this email.  Hell, I tried and I didn't read this email. 

 Yours in douched pickle juice,
Ms. Jane Walker.    

 

 

It came as no surprise that the scammer didn't respond.

 

A couple of the scam baiters did:

 

F***ing hilarious!  Thanks for the laugh!

 

OMG...that's classic!

 

 

Opinions expressed here are those of individual scam baiters...and are happily endorsed ;-)  

More Lack of Intelligence From The Usual Sources

My character is amused by notification emails from scammers that bill themselves as 'intelligence agencies'.

I suspect that half of them are on the House Unintelligence Committee...the half that run and ruined it under ol' Full of Schiff.

Nonetheless, these scammers seek that which all scammers seek:  the contents of my character's wallet.

If they'd ask the same question that Capital One does -- "what's in YOUR wallet?" -- they'd know better than to bother my character.

Needless to say, the education never stops.

Here's a brief snippet of the latest "intelligence agency" to try my character on in a battle of wits:

Office of the Director of National Intelligence <dniofffice@t-online.de>

Sat 12/7/2019 8:25 PM

 

Attn: beneficiary,

This is to bring to your attention that we have obtained a classified
document showing that you are dealing with scammers and impostors. We have
tracked your transactions and found out that you are dealing with scammers
in Africa and all over the world. We are aware of your numerous dealings
within and outside the country, most recently the email and phone
communications between you and some people claiming to be Bankers,
Diplomats, delivery Agents, from Middle East, Europe and Africa and with
some collaborators here in the United States.  You are hereby warned, to
put a stop to all your transactions with all these people and so many more
organizations such as UNITED NATIONS, EUROPEAN UNION, IMF, Bank of
AMERICA, JP Morgan Chase Bank, Wells Fargo Bank, Interpol, EFCC, World
Bank, Barclays Bank, Royal Bank of Scotland, British High Commission
E.T.C.

We are working round the clock to get hold of these individuals who in one
way or the other, masterminds the use of banks, courier service and
embassies while posing as the real persons to extort money from their
victims. You are WARNED to STOP further communication either by phone or
email to any of these people
posing as an agent. And we urge you to forward any email you receive to
this office for verification and approval before you reply them.

We have looked into the various claims and found out that TRULY you have
unclaimed funds indeed, most of wish initially originated from lottery
winnings and donations by sick individuals. Your payment files from
different banks; NatWest Bank of London, Central Bank of Nigeria and Benin
Republic, Bank of America, Africa Development bank, UBA bank, E.T.C were
compiled and submitted to my desk for review.. The total sum owed you is
the tune of $28,850,000.00 Twenty Eight Million Eight Hundred and Fifty
Thousand United States Dollars. As a matter of fact, this $28,850,000.00
is the ONLY funds that the government has approved and made available for
your immediate action.  

 

It went on for several more turgid paragiraffes that eventually revealed that my character could have his $28 million with a simple fee payment of $850 to some clown in Nigeria.  And that this whole process was "highly confidential".

 

Not hard to see why.

 

After careful deliberation on the matter, I decided to give my 'editing gone wild' pet rocks a day off from this chore, and had my character handle it.  Overall, I think he did...what he usually does:

 

 

From: Office of the Director of Desperately Seeking Any Working Intelligence <dniofffice@t-online.de>
Sent: Saturday, December 7, 2019 10:54 AM
Subject: Run For Your Lives, There's A Lobster Loose!*

Attn:

This is to bring to your attention that we have obtained a classified
document showing that you are sitting at your computer in a thong,

eating Cheesy-Poofs and singing songs about how Kyle's mom on South

Park is a bitch.

Classy.

We have tracked your antecedence and found out that you are the 7th son

of the 7th son, 'splaining why you're such a strange and special R-tard.

And when it comes to dealing with scammers in Africa and all over the world.

We are aware of your numerous dealings within and outside the country, most

recently the email and phone communications between you and some stuffed

sock puppet people claiming to be Bankers, Diplomats, refugees, delivery Agents,

atturkeys, UN genital suckretaries, genitals in the army, and big-eyed Swedish

broads from Newark. We further developed that this assortment of assordid

is from Middle East, Europe and Africa and with some collaborators here in the

United States House of Reprehensible Democraps. You are hereby warned to
put a stop to all your transactions with all these people and so many more
organizations such as UNITED NATIONS, EUROPEAN UNION, IMF, Bank of
AMERICA, JP Morgan Chase Bank, Wells Fargo Bank, Interpol, EFCC, World
Bank, Barclays Bank, Royal Bank of Scotland, British High Commission.
FBI, E.T.C., RPO, NOW, LATER, OMG and WTF.

We are working round the clock to dig up Bill Haley and the Comets

for purposes even we don't understand, but Doctor Demento might.

In the Greenwich mean time, You are WARNED to STOP further communication

either by phone, email, snail mail, telegiraffe or telepathy to any of these people
posing as a department store mannequin with no genitals. And we urge you to

forward any dessert snacks you have to us for verification and approval.

We're hongry, not the European country kind.

We have looked into the various claims and found out that painful rectal

itch is only a TRUE THANG on original versions of Saturday Night Live,

so stop making voodoo dolls and trying to inflict this upon others with

butt pins. Really.

We are the ONLY SCAMMERS YOU'LL EVER NEED. And to prove it,

we have through different banks such as Nitwit Bank of London, Central Bank

of Nigeria and Benin Repugnant, Bank of Fawg, Africa Disarray bank, WTF bank,

E.T.C who were ordered to submit to auditions for review. The reviewing panel

consisted of washed up entertainers and politicians that would hit a giant *GONG*

if the audition was a total face-planting FAIL. Which 99.5% were.

The money we say that you're owed from the banks we ultimately choose to

use in this scheme allegedly have millions of outdated currencies that collectively

don't amount to weasel spit. What there is will be under the supervision of the

Genital Mismanager MR. UCHE IKKY.

You'll find he's well-named.

The choice of this template was made during the genital assembly of African

heads for African Heads of States at Addis Ababa, 22 January 2019. The

summit was tagged "More Reasons Hellary Lost In 2016". It was at this summit

that most of our time was spent trying to figure out how flushing toilets came

to be known as "heads", and just how the danged things worked.

During our meeting with commodes it was agreed that the only charges to
be paid upfront in order to effect this scheme is $850.00, so you are
advice to work together with the bank's genital manager MR. UCHE IKKY to
ensure we get paid, you don't, and neener neener phfffffffffffffft! 

Again, that's fees of $850.00. You pay us. What you get in retoin is the

satisfaction of knowing you dun something comparable to having sex

with a tree stump.

You are to contact UCHE IKKY soonest if not soonerer by email/phone

with whatever information he asks for. If you have virgin stuffed animals,

he'll probably ask about those too. He's a real perv, that IKKY. Just don't

tell him we said so.

UCHE IKKY
Genital Manager
United Bank for African Fawg (UBAF)
New York branch orifice
1 Rockefeller Plaza, New York,
NY 10020, USA
Phone: (347) 990 1357
ubanewyorkbranch@mail2banker.com

You are again, WARNED to STOP further communication either by drums or

smoke signals with any other person or group because that's cultural

appropriation, and it triggers democrap snowflakes at the DNC and on

the House Lack-of-Intelligence committee. And we urge you to forward

any uneaten ambassadors you know personally to this office 'cuz we ain't

et one in a while and we're hongry.

 

Whatever this message contains is for you alone DO NOT share or forward
this mail to any individual, because there are so many democrap (criminals)
out there, they will try to take away OUR scam and make it their own. That

will make things difficult for us. So don't be a schmuck and do that.

John Sherman
Assistant Twatwaffle,
Chief IUD Officer (HUH?)
Office of the Director of Desperately Seeking Any Working Intelligence Washington, DC 20511
Send edible correspondents to: DNI02OFFICIAL@OUTLOOK.COM  


Yup...the response to this edit was *crickets*.  It doesn't seem possible, but some of the scammers out there are starting to finally get it.

EnvironMENTAL

Imperial walkers aren't the only thing face planting here.

Get a load of this email from the Saudi Environmental Society:


SAUDI ENVIRONMENTAL SOCIETY (SENS)
JEDDAH'.
HOME PAGE =  www.sens.org.sa  
FROM THE SAUDI ENVIRONMENTAL SOCIETY (SENS)

ATTENTION:

You have been selected as one of the recipient for this year during the celebration of world environmental day which entitle you to a cash donation of $1,000,000.00 ( One Million United State Dollars ) from the donation board of Saudi environmental society. (SENS).

The Saudi environmental society in conjunction with other environmental organizations world wide is working on creating sustainable developmental programs. In addition to working on developing the voluntary action by creating a broad base of volunteers and to contribute in strengthening the role of the private sector to serve the environmental issues in the areas of environmental protection and conservation of natural resources and wildlife.

Since environmental issues are worldwide problems, and knowing that environmental problems in one region also affects other regions of the world, The Saudi environmental society, ably headed by His Royal Highness Prince Turki Abdul-Aziz, approve the sum of $1,000,000.00 (One Million United State Dollars) to be given to few selected persons in all regions of the world who are willing to work towards the protection of the environment in which they are domiciled. Therefore it is only persons who are concern about the environment that should claim this grant.

The sums are release to selected persons in all regions of the world. Persons so selected, must be willing to use the grant for the purpose for which the grant was given which is principally to improve the ecosystem in his/her place of domicile by to bring together like minded persons in ones region to create climatic and environmental awareness among the populace about issues which are threatening the environment. The utilization of the funds should be judiciously deployed.

Since you have been selected amongst others, you should contact the Saudi Environmental society international donation center in London with your data and all necessary information for the transfer of the grant to you via the email address stated herein. Note that this is a grant and therefore it should be use only for the purpose for which it was meant for. Briefly in one sentence, what are the environmental challenges facing your community?

Board of directors
Turki bin Nasser, President of Saudi Environment Society,
Dr. Abdul Aziz Al Hamid Abu Znadh, vice President
Dr. Faisal Hamzah Abu Rdeif, Secretary.
Dr. Osama Abdullah Kokandi, Treasurer.
Dr. Saleh Mohammed Bin Laden, Board Member
Professor. Tariq Abdul Hadi Taher, Board Member
Dr. Saied Fathi Khaweli, Board Member
Engineer Adel Salem Badeeb, Board Member
Dr. Majeda Abu Ras, Board Member

CONTACT INTERNATIONAL FUNDS DISBURSEMENT CENTER ENGLAND:
Office Address
2rd Floor
Ibex House
42-47 Minories
London EC3N 1DY ( UK )
Contact Person : A  Hassan
Email: saudi.environment@protonmail.ch  


Ol' Teen brat from Norway would be thrilled to see other people running a scam like hers.

However, my editing gone wild pet rock Seymour, knows a thing or two about the environment.  And he penned this edit to help the Saudis and Greta out:


From: Saudi Environmental <info.sens.grant@gmail.com>
Sent: Wednesday, January 22, 2020 11:37 AM
Subject: Saudi Environmental Society Where The Environment...Generally Tends To Suck

 

SAUDI ENVIRONMENTAL SOCIETY (SENS)
JEDDAH'. 
FROM THE SAUDI ENVIRONMENTAL SOCIETY (SENS)

ATTENTION:

Welcome to the Saudi Environmental Society.  You have been selected as one of our annual recruits to join this banal society.  It will curious you to know that your name was selected from dozens of those scratched into the back of a tree in the jungle near Lagos, Nigeria, by our Selection Committee of Saudi environmental society. (SENS).
 

 The Saudi environmental society in Saudi Arabia, aka the House of Saud, is located in...wait for it....waaaaaaaait for it...Saudi Arabia.  From space, we look like an upside down and fatter version of Mississippi.  We are sometimes called the World's biggest cat box, what with all the sand we have here.  And of course, we have one of the world's biggest reserves of dinosaur leftovers, sometimes referred to as oil.  Once we empty all the oil reserves from the wells beneath all that sand, we 'spect all the sand will collapse, and we'll be the House of Sunk.  But that's for later.  Just now, consider that the environment in Saudi Arabia is...well...it's f**king hot.  Dry.  Arid.  People fart dust here.  So do camels.

Kinda hard to tell us from Mars in pictures.

Now, some 16 year old Norwegian "how dared us" over our oil production, so we're going through the motions of looking like we're working in conjunction with other environmental organizations world wide is working on creating sustainable developmental programs.  In reality, fuck that.  We're pumping oil like a teenage boy is pumping a teenage girl in the back seat of a Ford at a drive-in theatre.  Greta can just pound sand....and we have plenty she can pound.
 

 Since environmental issues are worldwide problems to basement-dwelling, under-educated leftist brats in Norway, the DNC and amongst the dumbest of Antifa rioters, the Saudi environmental society, ineptly headed by His Royal Highness Prince Turkey Fulla Stuffing, approve this message be sent out to One Million United States email addresses to be given to few selected persons in all regions of the world who are willing to work towards stuffing a sock in the yap of that Norwegian brat and her useless peers wherever they are domiciled. Therefore it is only persons as dumb as or dumber than Greta that should claim this grant.

 

Persons so selected, must be willing to lower their IQ and debase themselves for the purpose for which the UN and the Left had in mind:  to lower the intellect of anyone they can to undermine decent, civil society.  They seek to do this by finding people stupid as or stupider than Greta, and then by to bring together like minded persons in ones region to create climatic and environmental panic like AOC does with her "the sky is falling in 10-12 years" spiel.  Just because AlGore is a demonstrated moron doesn't mean that more like him can't be created via cnn and ms13nbc, two of the mind-numbingest collections of nincompoops on this or any other planet in the universe.
 

 Since you have been selected amongst others, you should thank whoever ratted you out to us as being as intellectually astute as a door knob, and contact the Saudi Environmental society international center in London with your data and all necessary information, so's we can know you're truly as stupid or stupider than Greta.  Or maligNANCY Pelosi.  Or the entire DNC.  CNN.  MS13NBC.  The House Unintelligence and Lack of Judiciary Crimemittees.   

Briefly in one sentence, if a sheep is a ram and a donkey is an ass, why is a ram in the ass a goose?

Board of directums
Turkey bin Basted, President of Saudi Environment Society,
Dr. Abdul Achmed Ackphooey Ack Ack Abu Gesundheit, vice President
Dr. Faisal Hamsalad Abu Fallopian, Secretary.
Dr. Osama Barry Soetero Obola, Treasurer.
Dr. What's Left Of Osama Bin Laden, Board Member
Professor. Tariq Twatwaffle Hadi Taher, Board Member
Dr. Saied Fungoo Khaweli, Board Member
Engineer Colonel Saito, Bridge Over the River Kwai, Board Member
Dr. Majeda Snorkum Azimuth Rack Ack Jones, Board Member


CONTACT INTERNATIONAL CENTER ENGLAND:
Office Address
2rd Floor
Ibex House
42-47 Minories
London EC3N 1DY ( UK )
Contact Person : A  Hassan
Email: saudi.environment@protonmail.ch

 

 

Seymour didn't get anything back from the House of Saud, but Element (my other editing gone wild pet rock) claims that she heard from Greta with one of her "how DARE you?" responses.

 

I asked how Element "dared". 

 

...I won't ask further...

 

 

Lack of Comprehension Doesn't Pay

Here's a lesson in how quickly a lack of comprehension by a scammer can lead to...a butt-hurt scammer:


From The Desk Of Barrister Michael Dempsey
Crake de Sousa 41 Blvd Du Mongol Cotonou Benin.
Dempsey& sons Chambers, Attorney At Law, High Court Of Justice
Cotonou, Benin Republic West Africa States.
Email:  heidijr1969@gmail.com
Phone: +229 64131475

Attention dear:

Thanks for contacting us,

This is Michael Dempsey ESQ and I have received your email in regards
to your ATM package that was deposited here under my care by the FBI
Monitoring Team, parcel Registration Number is ( ATM-00384).

However, the amount involved for the delivery of your ATM package to
your address is US$150.00 only and the money is to be send down here
through Western Union or Money Gram, RIA with our accountant details
below.
Note, your package will be at your doorstep through a courier delivery
agent with your information which has been given to us by the FBI,
Certainly this parcel will get to your house under 48 hours of
receiving the fee because the delivery will be an over night express &
blue print with either DHL or FedEx.

Kindly hurry and send down the US$150.00 via Western Union or Money
Gram nearly office using our cashier's details below:

Receiver's name: JOE KANU
Country:  Benin Republic
City: Cotonou
MTCN Number#:

Finally: Kindly provide us back the Western Union/ MTCN Number or
receipt as soon as you have sent the US$150.00  Because as soon as the
fee is confirmed, I will go and register the Tramcar to dispatch your
address immediately and i shall provide you with the tracking
details/# for you to be monitoring the movement of the package while
on transit so as to ensure that it's coming to you for sure.

Remember that the US$150.00 requested is for courier company's VAT &
delivery charge, please be informed that all other necessary
paperwork/documents/charges has been tendered by the depositor.

Endeavor to Reply via my official email address: heidijr1969@gmail.com
or call me @ +229 64131475 if you have any question.

I will be waiting and looking forward to hearing back from you ASAP
together with your payment details once the $150.00 has been sent.

Thanking you in advance

Sincere regards

Michael Dempsey ESQ
 Dempsey & sons Chambers  


Anything that starts with "From the desk of" gets prompt action h'yar:


Not such a happy boxing day for your desk as it turns out.

I don't send money to a desk.  Particularly one in Benin.  

 

 

How do you mean?   Where do you send money to?  

 

 

If I send money on any online deal, it's to a real person, and not their office furniture.

What do YOU send money to, a tree stump?  

 

 

I still don't understand what you mean.  

 

 

It's all about the animated versus inanimate objects that claim to send texts.

Yours did.  Revisit your initial email and see what it done.  

 

 

...now comes the butt hurt:

 

 

You are very stupid.   Please don't bother replying this message.  BYE  

 

 

You had to keep asking what I meant and I'm the stupid one? 

LOL...a tree stump is your intellectual better.

And yes...I did bother replying to this message...just 'cuz it'll piss you off.  

 

 

...and, the butt hurt intensifies:

 

 

GO TO HELL.  

 

 

Send me the directions to get there, what with you being the expert on the place and all.  Our president just sent an Iranian genital there, so you won't be lonely on arrival.  

 

 

SHUT UP!!!!!  

 

 

That's not something I learned to do when dealing with babbling office furniture from a Third World sh*thole like Benin.  Perhaps you should educate yourself so that your desk doesn't have to send all your badly-written emails for you.  Whaddaya say?  

 

 

...and comes the last of the butt hurt:

 

 

F*** U!!!  

 

 

Obviously, your sex education there is even worse than your emails are.  Dr. Ruth has a book for dummies that's tailor-made for you.  Go get and read it before you try to back-end a rhino.  

 

 

...and that was how his lack of comprehension ended.  I pity his desk.

Majoring In All The Wrong Templates

Another scammer tries to give my character the business as a real US Army Major.

Yawp...'she' do.

Knowing that 'she' ain't.

But she don' know that ah know dat.

Yet:


Hi dear, nice to meet you, knowing one another is a gradual process and  i have some thing very important to share with you.  


I'll bet 'she' do:


Well yes, meeting and getting to know someone can indeed be a gradual process.

Where there's chemistry, that process can be accelerated.  Passionate.  Intense.

Where there's not, it can be long in the feeling out process, or abruptly terminated.

Where and how it all begins has a lot to do with it.

I don't know you.  How'd you find me?  

 

 

And like most 'she' scamstresses, she doesn't answer my questions...she just goes into her template:

 

 

My Name is Major Lisa Jaster. I hope all is well with you? I am a soldier working as a United Nations peacekeeping troop in Libya, on a war against terrorism.

I want you to know that we are being attacked by insurgents everyday and bombs, which I believe was money meant for buying weapons and ammunition, and it was agreed by all army officers. out of the total fund my share was  US$ 2.2 Million (Two Million Two Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) And Since I am still working for the government, I can not keep or send this money to America for the time being because I do not have any trustworthy person to act as my next of kin. Therefore, I just want you to receive it in your country.Honestly, if I fail to move this money soonest before I leave this country i can't move it again. So I am seeking your assistance to evacuate my share of the money out of (United Bank for Africa in Senegal) to your own country for you to keep it safe on my behalf you have to assure me that you are going to collect the money from the bank.

It's clear to me that you might be aware of this proposal, but i want to let you know that i have to talk with a lawyer in Senegal, to help me on my behalf. with a lawyer in Senegal and i pay him for him to handle it, The money was transfered from (Aman Bank of Libya) to the Bank of Senegal from Libya for security purpose, the transfer I have to make sure you have the right amount of money, while the rest of the balance in your country. one passionate appeal I do not want a third party on this Transaction.

Please try to keep this information secret if you want it. I believe that you will not betray my trust, nor will you, thwart, my dream, though you may wonder. in receiving and investing this fund.

Note: I do not know how long we are going to stay here and I have lost my life because of the I, will be coming over to your home country. I hope my explanation is very clear, but if you want further clarification, just let me know and i will explain further, of radio communication and email communication.

conclusively, i wish you could send me a reply directly to this proposal, your urgent reply will be highly appreciated. Please contact to my private Email for more details. I'm waiting to receive your acceptable reply as soon as you read this letter.

Thanks. 

Major Lisa Jaster.  

 

 

Since my "editing gone wild" pet rocks are celebrating an early Christmas, I let my character handle their light work on this one:

 

 

From: Lisa Jester <lisajster01@gmail.com>
Sent: Thursday, December 19, 2019 8:11 AM
To: Fallopian Mortar Tubes <vag_is_apoppin101@hotmail.com>
Subject: IT'D BE BETTER TO MEET YOU ANYWHERE BUT PORTLAND

 

Herrooo,

My Name for now is Major Lisa Jester. I am a soldier working as a United Nations peacekeeping troop in Portland, on a war against the Nazi-esque Antifa douche canoes.

I want you to know that we are being attacked by Antifa, democraps, cnn, ms13nbc and Hollywad lefties wielding plastic straws everyday.  Bunch of heathen twat waffles.  Anyway, one day after exploring a looted 711 store, we found George Soros money meant for buying crystal meth and Twinkies for the basement-dwelling Millennials Soros has duped into being his "useful idiots", and it was agreed by me and the other three gender-neutral octosexual orthopods in my squad that we'd split the money unevenly, with the bulk of it going to me as a Major and all.  That means....*calculating on the only known abacus that still works in the Western hemisphere* that my share is US$ 2.2 Million (Two Million Two Hundred Thousand United States Dollars).

Now, technically I am still working for the government of Ukraine at the behest of Hunter and Gropey Joe Bidumb...which the House of Reprehensibles Unintelligence Crimemittee overlooked at the impairment farce...so in some backwoods outhouse "rools for radishes" it sez that I can not keep or send this money to the more rational parts of America for the time being because I do not have any trustworthy t-shirt clad manatee to act as my sex squooge. Therefore, I just want you to receive it in your more rational part of the US.  Honestly, that's what this template says.  Do you really think I'd write this sh*t on my own?  I really only speak Ferengi and using Gooble Transloot exposes me to all sorts of mockery.   if I fail to move this money soonest before I leave what's left of Portland, the template sez that I can't move it again without genital warts overtaking me.

What this means is quite simply this:  devil bunnies, devil bunnies...I snort the banana.  That's what an English version of the Ferengi translation from Gooble Transloot says it said.  So I am seeking your assistance to evacuate my genitals out of Portland  to your own saner part of the country for you to keep it hermetically sealed in a jar by the door.  What is it for?  All the horny people...where do they all come from?  Oh all the horny people...they're doing everyone.

Father McKenzie has not endorsed that last.

It's clear to me that you might be aware of the obfuscational parts of this proposal, but i want to let you know that i have talked with a lawyer in Senegal to help me on my behalf.  And he talked to a lawyer in Newark who talked to a lawyer that knows Epstein didn't kill himself, and they all agree that maligNANCY Pelosi is a cancerous butt polyp.

Granted, there are several other lawyers involved in this including one that works for cnn and does Rachel Madcow from behind with a cucumber, but the one in Senegal is the most fortunate because he doesn't need hand sanitizer after reading this template. 

At any rate -- and I'm told it's dozens of dialing-for-donuts-per-hour -- the money was transferred from what's left of Portland to the First Solar System Bank of Uranus for security purpose; the rocket left with a box labeled "Used Dildos" aboard and will reach Uranus by sometime in 2027.  I must make one passionate appeal: I do not want any of this money going to the Clinton Crimedation.  Epstein figured that out too late.

Please try to keep this information secret if you want to.  If you don't, only allow it to be leaked to the lamestream servile mediocres in native Ferengi, which I am sure most of them don't have a clue about.  I know none of them know sh*t about journalism.

After consulting a psychic 8 ball and reading tea leaves and tarot cards from a James Bond movie, I believe that you will find out later that Errol Flynn is about to knock up Olivia De Havilland and Jane Seymour will go onto a nondescript vet clinic in Nebraska, where she reconstitutes virgin cocktail shrimp by rebushing them with a lobster tail.  I'm told it's not pretty, but it's a neat trick that she's mastered there.

Note: I do not know how long we are going to stay in what's left of Portland and I have lost my life several times because of the Antifa idiots here, but I always manage to find it in Lost and Found.  Well, at least so far.

I hope my explanation is very clear, but if you want further clarification, just let me know and i will explain further, through messages coded in Klingon with Azerbaijani epithets.

It is my belief -- my unshakeable belief -- that you could send me a reply directly to this proposal, your urgent reply will be highly appreciated. Please contact to my primate Email for more details. I'm waiting to receive your acceptable reply as soon as you read this letter.

Thanks. 

Major Lisa Jester.

 

 

Neither the major nor any of her pears and collies that received this edit have bothered to reply.  Perhaps it IS dangerous in Portland for peacekeepers...

When Scammers Fail To Understand

Lots of scammers operate from pre-designed templates.  Deviation of any kind from that template can have confusing and amusing effects and responses from some scammers.

Like this poor feller/missie:


Urgent Information,
>>
This is to official inform you that United Nations Compensation Commission (UNCC) in conjunction with World Bank Authorities (WBA),
 has after investigation approved your 12,500.000 United States Dollars) outstanding compensation merit reward which was undergoing
 the investigation law of claimant since 5 years now, which has today been released into ATM MasterCard in your name for your urgent/easier
 collection, since MasterCard is 100% active and legit alternatives
claim permit worldwide, and also remain the safe and secure means for
you to receive/collect this fund at no hitch.
>>
Therefore you're advice here to kindly contact the ATM  Management
 office right away with your required details at bottom, which's for
 their recommendation before giving a more information of how you will
get the MasterCard from them successful as agreed.
>>
1. Full Name: ==========
 2. Country: ============
 3. City:================
 4. Home/Office Add:======
 5. Phone:==============
 6. Next of kin: ==========
>> 
 However note when contacting, then make sure you contact the ATM
 managing director: Mr. Paul C. Murphy only/direct on this email:(
 atminfo23@gmail.com ), so you must get his right direction at no
 mislead and be warn to read careful as well to avoid wrong contact
which may lead you wrong which wasn't of the plan in this
compensation.

Thanks & stay bless.

Mrs. Amina J. Mohammed
UN Deputy Secretary-General  

I say "feller/missie" cuz of the response my reply illicited:

Getting right directions from someone at the UN?

I'd be in better hands getting directions from a weasel.  

 

 

It becomes abundantly clear that the 'missie' has given way to a 'feller' in the reply, and that the feller didn't read the reply so good:

 

 

Hello dear,

Thanks for contacting in regards of your compensation of (
$12,500.000.00 USD) here, but for the legal proceed which to suit your
confidential then you're here with two ways alternatives for the
MasterCard collection which based on selection option will determine
if you will have to pay a service fee which to remain on your expense
due to the fact that this MasterCard was already placed into bond
insurance control by the paying authority to which result a legal
forbidden of deduction in any kind until the MasterCard hit into your
care to cash out the fund as it's for security reason.

However advice the option one is for you to visit this office for the
reactivation/collection of this MasterCard in person at no cost of
fee, but if you're unable to make the trip as i explained in option
one, only then you're required to apply this office to perform the
reactivate and shipping of this MasterCard to your destination at your
own little expenses such as,

1) Reactivation Fee: $53 USD
2) Shipment Fee: $110 USD

However the both two payment are total sum ($163 USD Only) while it's
mandatory to be paid if you are unable to make the trip down this
office to perform the service yourself at no cost of fee, therefore
you're hereby to select your choice among the two options and update
me back because i am available and ready now to participate on this
service with you right away based on any of your wish among the two
explained alternatives options for your MasterCard immediate
collection. Finally note: this MasterCard are to be cancel from your
name and forward into Government care account as unclaimed within 7
days if no valid cooperation from you.

I await your considerable option upon the two options above and advice
to only and always contact back with your secured private email for
security and safety MasterCard include our conversation as well
thanks.

Sincerely,

Mr. Paul C. Murphy
General Manager Atm payout Center.  

 

 

Fine...*game ON* in a snarky way:

 

 

So, do you REALLY THINK that I'm going to send $163 to a weasel simply on
your word?  Asking for a friend.

 

This reply obviously didn't fit the anticipated response the scammer expected:

 

 

What do you mean here or what are you thinking of this transaction?  

 

 

And here's where the fun begins...at least for yours truly:

 

 

What do I mean here?  Allow me to 'splain for a friend:

1. The UN is crooked.
2. Weasels aren't to be trusted.
3. Sending you $163 is like sending money to a crooked UN weasel.

If you need further explanation, I'm happy to supply it.  

 

 

...and I followed that with:

 

 

If you need an explanation in a different language, let me know.  

 

 

what?  

 

 

Would you like to try Azerbaijani for example?  In Azerbaijani, it'd look like and mean this: 

Beləliklə, sözünüzün üstünə 163 dollar göndərdiyimi düşünürsünüzmü? Dost istəmək.  

 

 

i do not understand this please.  

 

 

There are at least 180 or more language choices you can make, if English is difficult for you.  Take your time but choose wisely.  

 

 

When that didn't draw a reply, I followed with this:

 

 

Certain language choices do come with a money-back guarantee.  Restrictions apply.  Void where prohibited.  Dealer rebates extra.  

 

 

That drew a reply:

 

 

never mind please  

 

 

I would warn you against choosing Mandarin, Klingon, Ferengi, Dune or Uranusian as a language choice.  They have frequent translation fails.  

 

 

NEVER MIND  

 

 

Liechtensteinian might work out better, if you're remotely sprechen of das Deutsch undt schtuff.  Vas ist los meinen Herr?  

 

 

STOP  

 

 

What, before you fully understand what previously eluded you?  Is that any way to conduct yourself in e flat?  I was just getting on a roll, which is less greasy than a croissant.  Bet you didn't know that.

 

 

Alas, I'll never know if he/she knowd that or not.  No mores would they come to play in the email.  How WILL they ever get their questions answered, behaving this way?