More Lack of Intelligence From The Usual Sources

My character is amused by notification emails from scammers that bill themselves as 'intelligence agencies'.

I suspect that half of them are on the House Unintelligence Committee...the half that run and ruined it under ol' Full of Schiff.

Nonetheless, these scammers seek that which all scammers seek:  the contents of my character's wallet.

If they'd ask the same question that Capital One does -- "what's in YOUR wallet?" -- they'd know better than to bother my character.

Needless to say, the education never stops.

Here's a brief snippet of the latest "intelligence agency" to try my character on in a battle of wits:

Office of the Director of National Intelligence <dniofffice@t-online.de>

Sat 12/7/2019 8:25 PM

 

Attn: beneficiary,

This is to bring to your attention that we have obtained a classified
document showing that you are dealing with scammers and impostors. We have
tracked your transactions and found out that you are dealing with scammers
in Africa and all over the world. We are aware of your numerous dealings
within and outside the country, most recently the email and phone
communications between you and some people claiming to be Bankers,
Diplomats, delivery Agents, from Middle East, Europe and Africa and with
some collaborators here in the United States.  You are hereby warned, to
put a stop to all your transactions with all these people and so many more
organizations such as UNITED NATIONS, EUROPEAN UNION, IMF, Bank of
AMERICA, JP Morgan Chase Bank, Wells Fargo Bank, Interpol, EFCC, World
Bank, Barclays Bank, Royal Bank of Scotland, British High Commission
E.T.C.

We are working round the clock to get hold of these individuals who in one
way or the other, masterminds the use of banks, courier service and
embassies while posing as the real persons to extort money from their
victims. You are WARNED to STOP further communication either by phone or
email to any of these people
posing as an agent. And we urge you to forward any email you receive to
this office for verification and approval before you reply them.

We have looked into the various claims and found out that TRULY you have
unclaimed funds indeed, most of wish initially originated from lottery
winnings and donations by sick individuals. Your payment files from
different banks; NatWest Bank of London, Central Bank of Nigeria and Benin
Republic, Bank of America, Africa Development bank, UBA bank, E.T.C were
compiled and submitted to my desk for review.. The total sum owed you is
the tune of $28,850,000.00 Twenty Eight Million Eight Hundred and Fifty
Thousand United States Dollars. As a matter of fact, this $28,850,000.00
is the ONLY funds that the government has approved and made available for
your immediate action.  

 

It went on for several more turgid paragiraffes that eventually revealed that my character could have his $28 million with a simple fee payment of $850 to some clown in Nigeria.  And that this whole process was "highly confidential".

 

Not hard to see why.

 

After careful deliberation on the matter, I decided to give my 'editing gone wild' pet rocks a day off from this chore, and had my character handle it.  Overall, I think he did...what he usually does:

 

 

From: Office of the Director of Desperately Seeking Any Working Intelligence <dniofffice@t-online.de>
Sent: Saturday, December 7, 2019 10:54 AM
Subject: Run For Your Lives, There's A Lobster Loose!*

Attn:

This is to bring to your attention that we have obtained a classified
document showing that you are sitting at your computer in a thong,

eating Cheesy-Poofs and singing songs about how Kyle's mom on South

Park is a bitch.

Classy.

We have tracked your antecedence and found out that you are the 7th son

of the 7th son, 'splaining why you're such a strange and special R-tard.

And when it comes to dealing with scammers in Africa and all over the world.

We are aware of your numerous dealings within and outside the country, most

recently the email and phone communications between you and some stuffed

sock puppet people claiming to be Bankers, Diplomats, refugees, delivery Agents,

atturkeys, UN genital suckretaries, genitals in the army, and big-eyed Swedish

broads from Newark. We further developed that this assortment of assordid

is from Middle East, Europe and Africa and with some collaborators here in the

United States House of Reprehensible Democraps. You are hereby warned to
put a stop to all your transactions with all these people and so many more
organizations such as UNITED NATIONS, EUROPEAN UNION, IMF, Bank of
AMERICA, JP Morgan Chase Bank, Wells Fargo Bank, Interpol, EFCC, World
Bank, Barclays Bank, Royal Bank of Scotland, British High Commission.
FBI, E.T.C., RPO, NOW, LATER, OMG and WTF.

We are working round the clock to dig up Bill Haley and the Comets

for purposes even we don't understand, but Doctor Demento might.

In the Greenwich mean time, You are WARNED to STOP further communication

either by phone, email, snail mail, telegiraffe or telepathy to any of these people
posing as a department store mannequin with no genitals. And we urge you to

forward any dessert snacks you have to us for verification and approval.

We're hongry, not the European country kind.

We have looked into the various claims and found out that painful rectal

itch is only a TRUE THANG on original versions of Saturday Night Live,

so stop making voodoo dolls and trying to inflict this upon others with

butt pins. Really.

We are the ONLY SCAMMERS YOU'LL EVER NEED. And to prove it,

we have through different banks such as Nitwit Bank of London, Central Bank

of Nigeria and Benin Repugnant, Bank of Fawg, Africa Disarray bank, WTF bank,

E.T.C who were ordered to submit to auditions for review. The reviewing panel

consisted of washed up entertainers and politicians that would hit a giant *GONG*

if the audition was a total face-planting FAIL. Which 99.5% were.

The money we say that you're owed from the banks we ultimately choose to

use in this scheme allegedly have millions of outdated currencies that collectively

don't amount to weasel spit. What there is will be under the supervision of the

Genital Mismanager MR. UCHE IKKY.

You'll find he's well-named.

The choice of this template was made during the genital assembly of African

heads for African Heads of States at Addis Ababa, 22 January 2019. The

summit was tagged "More Reasons Hellary Lost In 2016". It was at this summit

that most of our time was spent trying to figure out how flushing toilets came

to be known as "heads", and just how the danged things worked.

During our meeting with commodes it was agreed that the only charges to
be paid upfront in order to effect this scheme is $850.00, so you are
advice to work together with the bank's genital manager MR. UCHE IKKY to
ensure we get paid, you don't, and neener neener phfffffffffffffft! 

Again, that's fees of $850.00. You pay us. What you get in retoin is the

satisfaction of knowing you dun something comparable to having sex

with a tree stump.

You are to contact UCHE IKKY soonest if not soonerer by email/phone

with whatever information he asks for. If you have virgin stuffed animals,

he'll probably ask about those too. He's a real perv, that IKKY. Just don't

tell him we said so.

UCHE IKKY
Genital Manager
United Bank for African Fawg (UBAF)
New York branch orifice
1 Rockefeller Plaza, New York,
NY 10020, USA
Phone: (347) 990 1357
ubanewyorkbranch@mail2banker.com

You are again, WARNED to STOP further communication either by drums or

smoke signals with any other person or group because that's cultural

appropriation, and it triggers democrap snowflakes at the DNC and on

the House Lack-of-Intelligence committee. And we urge you to forward

any uneaten ambassadors you know personally to this office 'cuz we ain't

et one in a while and we're hongry.

 

Whatever this message contains is for you alone DO NOT share or forward
this mail to any individual, because there are so many democrap (criminals)
out there, they will try to take away OUR scam and make it their own. That

will make things difficult for us. So don't be a schmuck and do that.

John Sherman
Assistant Twatwaffle,
Chief IUD Officer (HUH?)
Office of the Director of Desperately Seeking Any Working Intelligence Washington, DC 20511
Send edible correspondents to: DNI02OFFICIAL@OUTLOOK.COM  


Yup...the response to this edit was *crickets*.  It doesn't seem possible, but some of the scammers out there are starting to finally get it.