Scam Gawds Have Off Days

cnn has their scam gawds, and Scam Land has others.

Here's a scam from one who invokes a deity that's supposed to help make this work:


Dearly Beloved,

I am pleased to inform you that the Great God loves you dearly. He wants the best for you in the present world and beyond. He does not want you to continue in this Suffering way of being a poor. He wants you to forsake this suffering way of life that leads to eternal destruction and causing sins. That is why he granted you a chance for United Nation and International Monetary Funds to awarded this $2.500.000.00 on your name.

My sincere prayer is that you will not miss or lose this GREAT OPPORTUNITY to received your US$2.500.000.00 to escape from the poor and destruction coming your way. The only option is you pay $50 activation fee and stop all these doubt of yours, Please get in touch with Larry Tuthill send him only $50 iTunes card for the bank management to activate your funds to release your payment (MTCN & SENDER NAME) Money Transfer Control Number and Sender Name you will use to pick up your money at the any western union post in your area.

You still has time to comply NOW, delaying may be too late due to the Payment Supervisor and Larry Tuthill was not happy for your doubting and delaying on sending the activation fee to start receiving your payments, BUY US$50 iTunes card, send copy picture of the iTunes card to Larry Tuthill phone number HIM AT +12105011826, Kindly send US$50 iTunes activation fee now and wait to have your payments without delay. Bear it in mind that Larry Tuthill is waiting for you to send $50 iTunes card Copy and Your Details for your funds activation to be done for urgent remit your payment, Contact Larry Tuthill on this e-mail wufiles96@aol.com TEST HIM AT +12105011826 CALLING HIM IS NOT ALLOW TO AVOID DISTURBING HIS WORK AND CUSTOMERS IN THE OFFICE, in after activation of your payments he will send you your MTCN & sender name you will use to pick up your money.

Angela A. Sun and WESTERN UNION BOARD OF DIRECTORS had given assurance to start remitting your payment in after activating your US$2.500.000.00.”So, dearly beloved, hurry up now and send only $50 iTunes Card to Larry Tuthill Contact Larry Tuthill at this Email: wufiles96@aol.com Forward your Receiver name, Copy of your I.D CARD, Name of your Country, State, City and phone number, Text question and Answer, Amount you will be able to pick in each payment, Your each daily $5000 payment will start in after activating your US$2.500.000.00. You have 500 days to received the total US$2.500.000.00 Awarded your name by U.N & I.M.F.

My sincere prayer is that you will not miss this GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY to received your US$2.500.000.00 to escape from POOR and destruction. May you be courageous enough to take this bold step that will prevent you from everlasting regret.

I am here to inform you of the impending danger if you fail to pay $50 NOW to start receiving your US$2.500.000.00! You cannot claim that you were not told or that you did not hear. If you do anything doubting again after this message, you stand to lose your US$2.500.000.00 because you cannot claim ignorance again. Mind you, Listing to this serious Warning' Larry Tuthill is not lying to you and he is not deceiving you" Buy $50 iTunes card and send it to Larry Tuthill phone number HIM AT +12105011826 and wait to have your payment in within an hour, YOUR OWN DESTINY IS UPON YOUR HAND. US$50 iTunes card is the distance between you and receiving your payments to change your life to better living, May God be with you and give you knowledge of understanding to achieve your goal to change your life and to help others people.

Thank you and Bless you.

Betsy D. Holden.  


My character has heard from this Larry Tuthill character before, using the iTunes $50 card ploy.  It didn't work then, and it doesn't do any better now:


From: Betsy D. Holden <crk_1542@yahoo.com>
Sent: Thursday, January 31, 2019 1:32 PM
Subject: Listing 55 degrees to port or starboard is this serious Warning'

 

Dearly Beloved we are gathered here today in the sight of a goat head baphomet shaped like an outhouse because...oops, wrong template.

I is pleasured to infarm you that the Great Dawg Exeter Wanker loves your casserole recipe. In so fondling he wants the best for you in the present world and beyond. He does not want you to continue in this suckass way of being from poor and dubious antecedence, like Duke Asi and James Sama are. He wants you to forsake this suffering way of life that leads to eternal painful rectal itch and causing genital tongue warts. That is why you is been granted a chance for United Nation and International Monetary Funds Universe-Wide Lottery to have a 1-in-10-gazillion-chance to be awarded $25.00 in West African francs on your name.

My prayer is that you will not follow up on this GREAT OPPORTUNITY because for ever' one of y'all that fails to follow up, I get your prize.  The only option is you pay $50 activation fee and stop all these doubt of yours, Please get in touch with Larry Tuthill send him only $50 iTunes card.

You can use this one if you like:

You still has time to comply NOW, delaying may be too late due to the Payment Supervisor and Larry Tuthill was not happy for your doubting and making fun of them for having genital tongue warts.  Find a $50 iTunes send copy picture of the iTunes card to Larry Tuthill phone number HIM AT +12105011826, Kindly send the code image of US$50 iTunes activation fee now and watch Larry piss hisself in joy...until he tries to cash it.

Angela A. Sun did this and was immensely pleased when Larry fouled hisself trying to redeem a used iTunes card.  She still laughing.  Contact Larry Tuthill at this Email: wufiles96@aol.com and send him this image.

My other prayer is that you will not tip Larry off that I told you to do this this way. May you be courageous enough to take this bold step that will prevent you from everlasting regret.

I am here to inform you of the impending danger if you fail to pay $50 NOW:  you'll make Larry mad.  When Larry gets mad, he fouls hisself so much that the EPA has a Super Fund designation assigned just to him.  You cannot claim that you were not told or that you did not hear. If you do anything doubting again after this message, you stand to lose the one and only chance you'll ever have in this life to make Larry foul hisself repeatedly because you cannot claim ignorance again. Mind you, Larry Tuthill is full of sh*i and needs to be pissed off to let it escape.  You may even call him at phone number +12105011826 and ask him why he's so full of sh*t.  YOUR OWN DESTINY IS UPON YOUR HAND. 

Betsy D. Holden...and not sayin' what she's holden...  

 

 

Ms Holden had nothing further to add here; but Mr. Tuthill alleged did:

 

 

you think this funny??!  JERK!!

 

 

Fact of the matter is...yes, I do.  

 

 

I doubt that Tuthill will learn his lesson here.  cnn's moron Acosta hasn't learned his.

 

 

 

Guessin' It'll Be Longer Next Time

Especially now.

Some scammers like to come on as if they're your friend.  Some take it a step further, and come on like they're your long-time friend.

That always cracks me up.

This one -- Katie Higgins -- sorta kinda tried that ploy:


Dear Friend it has been long i have not hear from you.
Katie


Granted, it isn't easy to remember every scammer that's ever contacted me, one of my assordid characters, and even my pet rock, Seymour.  But I have absolutely no memory of any emails from a Katie Higgins.

Even Seymour is shaking his head.  Quite a feat for a pet rock.

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFT!"

At any rate, I have no memory of this person.  But she writes as if she has a memory of my character, Jack.  Okay...it matters not that neither I, my assordid characters or my pet rock have ever heard from this person before. What matters, now, is the obvious sense of fauxstalgia expressed in the reply:


 Dang, gal, you're right about that. It has been a long time. I actually thought that after that night at the bar and the things you did on that bar dance with the thong, the hoola-hoop, the stuffed gopher and that incredible position you bent yourself into to simulate sex with a cardboard cut out of the yeti from the beef jerky commercials, you'd never forgive me for having video'd all that with my phone and sharing it on YouTube. Did you know that I won me $500 and an interview on America's Weirdest Bar Videos as a result of that viral sensation?

And that thing you did with the coat rack and whipped cream? No witness that night or video viewer will ever be the same.

Of course OSHA had to close down that bar and declare it a pubic health hazard after your escapade.

I knew there was a reason that I've missed you. And I know why you've missed me: your aim has always been lousy.

But I forgive you for that...after all, it was kinda tacky of me to share that video with 500 million YouTube viewers. I think that's how many hits the video has had.

So...have you done any Yugo tail pipes lately? Asking for a friend.  

Now, there is a scam out there where someone you know has their email address hacked, and "they" contact you claiming they're out of country and have had all their money stolen, and they need your help ... *cough* ... but as earlier noted, none of us h'yah has ever hoid of Katie th'yah.  Worse for her, Ol' Katie must be new at this...or English illiterate as her reply confirms:


I am happy to read from you once again after a very long time.i
contacted you for a reason please i traveled and i have been stranded
i lost even my international passport because i was attacked by Armed
Robbers and i lost my money.

i am planing to come around any time please you have to drop your
phone number so that i can give you a call when i am back.

Please i need the $350 right now to get back my belongings and come.

I am right now in Africa we went for a research.

send me the money through western union money transfer or money gram
for easy and faster receiving through my information bellow.

Receiver:katie Haggins

City:Lome

Country:Togo

Address:42 rue du Assiyey Airport Road Hotel

Please i will be waiting for your urgent reply.  


If a scammer is going to play someone I actually know (a real scam out there) that's in trouble ... eh.  It wasn't going to work either way:


Dang, gal...you should have been more careful.  I told you all those years ago that doing that improvised pole dancing in busy metro intersections was going to get you a sordid reputation.

You want $350?   You should be able to hook for that in one night.  

 

Her reply was...well, priceless:

 

 

are you going to not help me after all these times?  

 

 

That is very perceptive of you.  Helping yourself is the only way you're going to get some of the turkey stuffing on your plate.  The zen philosopher Basho made that perfectly clear at the mosh pit I last saw you at.  Weren't you paying attention?

 

 

The silence that followed that reply kinda tells me that ol' Katie has decided that she doesn't remember my character all that well after all.

 

Duh.

 

Sexual Gumming's A Thing?

Yowza...it might just be.

Not that this scammer suspected it when he wound up sending my character this:

Rev Solomom Quam <mccutcheon@buckeye-express.com>

Mon 1/21/2019, 9:47 PM

ifyifeanyi01@yahoo.com

 

Attention, Beneficiary:

 

This massage is from the federal ministry of finance. During our comprehensive investigations regarding your inability to receive your overdue payment we discovered that you have been dealing with a set of corrupt government officials who have been making  frantic efforts to divert your money into their personal accounts to enrich themselves, This is to inform you sequel to the meeting held this afternoon from the bureau of World Bank Rep here. Your funds amounted to $4.5M has been approved for an ATM CARD.  The issue was extensively discussed and an irrevocably resolution was reached whereby  we have been mandated to pay you the sum of $4.5m dollars as part of your outstanding contract/money payment, in furtherance to that you are warned to stop further dealings with any other person(s) or office(s) because such illegal dealings/ activities may sabotage this latest efforts in ensuring a hitch free release of your $4.5m dollars.

In lieu of the above, an ATM CARD will be issued to you by the ATM department of payment release center which you will use to withdraw your money from any cash point or ATM machine anywhere in the world and the maximum withdrawal per day is $6,000 pay day until your total money withdraw completely.

For further action regarding the release of your ATM, contact Director ATM department, Salomon Biokov

U.B.A N,

You are advised to send them with the following information:

Name:=====
Address:=====
Phone number:====

Therefore, kindly get back to us for more details.
Regards,
Dr.Haruna Jim  

 

 

I love how all of these guys are reverends, and that they have no end of made-up names to insert.

 

 

However, they ain't seed made-up until they run afoul of my "editing-gone-wild" pet rock, Seymour:

 

 

From: Rev Solomom Quam Delirious <mccutcheon@buckeye-express.com>
Sent: Monday, January 21, 2019 9:47 PM
To: ifyifeanyi01@yahoo.com
Subject: Atten: All You Toothless Benefactors of Sexual Gumming

Atten: All You Toothless Benefactors of Sexual Gumming

This massage is from the robodesk within a sub sect of a federal ministry of perfunctory government workers whose only real job is to f**k up whatever they touch.  Rather makes us democraps like Bela Pelosi, don't it?

During our incompetent and grossly inept investigations regarding your inability to accept sexual advances from our toothless prostitutes through our 1-900 online and overseas operations, we discovered that you have been not receiving our telegrams delivered by Jurassic Air Couriers; it's apparent that you're forgetting to stake a sheep out in your front yard and the carrier pterodactyls they use won't deliver without a staked-out sheep there for them on arrival. 

This is to inform you that sequel to the next Rocky movie (Rocky XXI -- Cyborg Meets Prunes), a meeting was held this afternoon with a burro from the bureau of World Blanked Expletives here. The net result of this meeting was that we have to schedule another one:  no one could understand one word the burro brayed.

In attempting to tabulate a figure that would constitute an offer that you couldn't refuse, we finally came up with an ATM card bearing the amount of 4,500 in West African francs.  The issue was extensively discussed and an irrevocable resolution was reached predicated on the basis that you have no idea how worthless the West African franc is (the amount cited is the equivalent, we think, of two US dollars...or at least it was this morning, before we learned that our entire country here has bleeding infectious painful rectal itch of the tongue).  In view and furtherance of the fact that our whole country is a suckass sh*thole, you are warned to only deal with Swiss bankers from Liechtenstein, who are not lowlife f**ksticks with oral and genital diseases like us. 

I think our proofreaders are asleep at their templates because I think I just telled you to stop further dealings with any other person(s) or office(s) from here because such illegal dealings/ activities are intended to sabotage this latest efforts in ensuring a hitch free acquisition on our part of some fee payment you'd be expected to make before we conveniently forget to send you a worthless ATM card that we pirated a photo of from 1-900-Atuba-Sex-Online, where inflatables are the only reality you'll find.

In lieu of the above, you'd be wise to wash your hands of this whole affair, and tell me and everyone here that sent you this to take a flying f**k at a rolling Cheerio.  Not easy, I assure you; I'm still trying to hit one.

 I have the complete shame to be Rev Solomom Quam Delirious

U.B.A.N. (that's a department and not a brand of coffee, F**kstick)

You are advised to send them with the following information so we can look at our lists, check on them twice, try to find out who's stupid with lice, Santa Claus is coming, with sheep:

Name (yours or someone who you really REALLY hate):=====
Address (my baboon wife only has one so another would be nice):=====
Phone number (a working one please, I hate getting translation speech therapists with lisps):====

Therefore, kindly get back to us because we have operators standing by and we can't keep them doing that forever.
Regards,
Dr. Wannaplay My Harmonica Jim

 

 

It appears that Seymour's edit left them speechless; an email reply was received, but it was blank.

 

Pretty much like their whole ploy.

 

Maybe they hurt themselves trying out the running f**k at a rolling Cheerio.

 

 

Hacked Like A Hairball

The "hacker ATM card" scam is alive and ill-willed in 2019.

That's the message this scammer didn't intend to send me with her email titled "Universal ATM Card":


Nice day,
I'm Cornelia Reitman I'd like to inform you or someone out there who needs money, since I've been helped by a blank universal ATM card that has dispersed both Us dollars and other currencies including Pounds Euro and Swiss francs. I had a low Credit score and have found it Difficult to get credit for my business, I saw an email online about the card and how you can get an actual amount of $5,000 in one day and unlimited spending in a any store (Walmart, Target et c) with the use of POS and any cashier's desk from a universal Debit atm, another brilliant thing about the card is,you can also transferas much as $10,00 to any local bank as  its funds are gotten from offshore accounts without trace, Mr Friedrich has been able to help the few he can with his special hacked debit cards without trace for years now, When I saw this post, I ordered my card via hacker Friedrich Leaumont(Infodebitcard@engineer.com) It came here within 2 days, I have this ATM for months and I have spent and withdrawn more than $290,000, with the debit card I have everything Thanks to hacker Friedrich Leaumont(Infodebitcard@engineer.com) I have bought my own house in Florida and started my own business, I told my relatives of the card, and now my sister and other relatives still enjoy the use of the card, the hacker is trustworthy and fast and he Delivers the card quickly to your doorstep, is it completely safe,Are you in a financial crisis and thinking of borrowing or lend from private lenders or banks? Then your worries are over, because when you contact hacker Friedrich Leaumont He will make your dreams come true, the cards are programmed to work in all countries. Please contact Hacker Friedrich Leaumont directly by e-mail:
(Infodebitcard@engineer.com) and live a debt-free life,
If you want to know more about my story and the use of my card, please reply to this email.
I hope I can help someone out there with my testimony,this card has really saved me from the high interest rate of bank loans. Infodebitcard@engineer.com  


Uh huh.  Buyin' it like I have the past few years of seeing these.

The edit was, I'm sure, not going to please the alleged "hacker" behind the scam:


From: Cornelia Reitman <info@900527882.mylightsite.com>
Sent: Thursday, January 17, 2019 10:45 PM
To: Recipients
Subject: Universal Debit Card Good Even On Uranus 

Lice aren't nice, that's what they say, lice aren't nice, keep them away...but I digress.

I'm Cornelia Reitman I'd like to inform you or someone out there who needs a front lobotomy or just a bottle in front of me that  I've been severely f**ked over by a blank universal ATM card that is reputedly good anywhere you don't want to be...even Uranus.  Granted, I'm not sure how one would get to Uranus -- I'm assuming they mean the planet, and not someone's moon being flashed off a patio at a drunken party -- but that's what it was advertised as.  When I got it, my first thought was "WTF?"  Then I read the instructions -- I had to use Gooble Transloot, since it turned out that the instructions were in Yoruba -- and I was instructed to send $295 in both Us dollars and other currencies including Pounds Euro and Swiss francs to a character named Igbo Ungabunga Ukulele in Nigeria; once I did that, I could get access to money from this card at any ATM in a zero gravity environment.

I didn't and still don't know where to find zero gravity ATMs. 

I think I've been had.

I had a low Credit score and have found it Difficult to get credit for my business; now it's proven that I have a low IQ as well. 

Then I saw an email meme online about Nancy Bela Pelosi missing out on her jet plane, not able to take a junket on taxpayer money during her sandpoundingly stupid government shutdown she engineered with Chuck U. Schumer, the uncle of the unf**kable comedienne with the same last name.  So many asides with this ATM ploy I got had by.

Anyway, about the card and all the reasons you want to avoid it:

 

You have to send $295 in five different denominations to this Igbo Ungabunga Ukulele in Nigeria; that's $295 in five different denominations EACH.  That should have been my first tip-off.

1. Once you do that, you receive a picture of the ATM card with your name on it in an email, telling you that it's coming via Jurassic Air Courier Delivery, and that when the courier arrives -- a carrier pterodactyl -- you have to throw it a sheep, or it'll never give up what it brung you.
2. The pre-delivery instructions claim that when you receive the card -- assuming you have a sheep ready -- you'll be able to draw $5,000 in one day from any ATM that's located in a zero-gravity environment.
3. There aren't any zero-gravity environments on Earth, I found out:  Uranus has some it is thought, but no one knows if they have the type of ATMs as herein described.
4. And I'm told it'll take 8 years to get there by space ship.
5. With none scheduled anytime soon.
6. Which sucks monkey balls.
7. Which I've been dared to try but preferred to nosh on a Tide Pod.
8. Cuz monkeys bite.

 

When I saw this post, I should have gouged my eyes out with a porcupine dildo, but noooooooooooooo, I foolishly believed that the frog hacker Friedrich Leaumont (Infodebitcard@engineer.com) wasn't doing hallucinogens when he found my email address etched in the back of a tree outside a fly-infested internet cafe in Lagos.  Thanks to the frog hacker Friedrich Leaumont (Infodebitcard@engineer.com) I have spent the past three months in jail and have a bogus ATM card that cost me a sheep and three fingers of my left hand, only to find it only works in ATMs in zero gravity, of which there ain't any.  I tried it in a Fast Ubanga Bello's Bait and Switch Market in Burkina Fatso, and that's were I got arrested.

I told my relatives that I don't like about the card, and now my sister and other relatives are in jail from Nigeria to Ghana. 

So if you hear from this asshole frog hacker, Friedrich Leaumont, tell him to shove a porcupine up his ass.  Do that by emailing the sh*thead at (Infodebitcard@engineer.com).

 Again:  shove a porcupine up his ass ... Infodebitcard@engineer.com 

 

 

I didn't hear back from the hacker or his testimonializer.  I did get an email from NASA about mythical ATMs that work in zero-gravity.  I referred that inquiry to my pet rock, Seymour.

 

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

 

I don't think you want to do that in zero gravity, either.  Not without good brakes.

Another 'Check' Is In The Mail

For the one pictured, it's that moment she wakes up every day and realizes that Hellary still lost.

For a scammer...it's that moment when he learns what my character means by "check's in the mail".

Meet the latest scammer frustrated by semantics, Todd Bowman:

Interim Assistance General Manager,
(Operations, Maintenance, Transportation)
Harrisburg International Airport Pennsylvania
One Terminal Drive, Middle town,
PA 17057, Pennsylvania USA

Hello Good Friend

Your Abandoned Package For Delivery

I have very vital information to give to you, but first I must have your trust before I review it to you because it may cause me my job,so I need somebody that I can trust for me to be able to review the secret to you.

I am Mr.Todd M.Bowman, head of luggage/baggage storage facilities (Operations, Maintenance, Transportation) here at the Harrisburg International Airport, Pennsylvania USA. During my recent withheld package routine check at the Airport Storage Vault, I discovered an abandoned shipment from a Diplomat from London and when scanned it revealed an undisclosed sum of money in a Metal Trunk Box weighing approximately 110kg. The consignment was abandoned because the Contents of the consignment was not properly declared by the consignee as "MONEY" rather it was declared as personal effect to avoid interrogation and also the inability of the diplomat to pay for the United States Non Inspection Charges which is $3,700USD. On my assumption the consignment is still left in our Storage House here at the Harrisburg International Airport Pennsylvania till date. The details of the consignment including your name, your email address and the official documents from the United Nations office in Geneva are tagged on the Trunk box

However, to enable me confirm if you are the actual recipient of this consignment as the assistant director of the Inspection Unit, I will advise you provide your current Phone Number and Full Address, to enable me cross check if it corresponds with the address on the official documents including the name of nearest Airport around your city. Please note that this consignment is supposed to have been returned to the United States Treasury Department as unclaimed delivery due to the delays in concluding the clearance processes so as a result of this, I will not be able to receive your details on my official email account. So in order words to enable me cross check your details, I will advise you send the required details to my private email address for quick processing and response. Once I confirm you as the actual recipient of the trunk box, I can get everything concluded within 48 hours upon your acceptance and proceed to your address for delivery.

Lastly, be informed that the reason I have taken it upon myself to contact you personally about this abandoned consignment is because I want us to transact this business and share the money 70% for you and 30% for me since the consignment has not yet been returned to the United States Treasury Department after being abandoned by the diplomat so immediately the confirmation is made, I will go ahead and pay for the United States Non Inspection Fee of $3,700 dollars and arrange for the box to be delivered to your doorstep Or I can bring it by myself to avoid any more trouble but you have to assure me of my 30% share.

I wait to hear from you urgently if you are still alive and I will appreciate if we can keep this deal confidential. Please get back to me via my private Email:(toddbmathew0000@gmail.com) for further directives.

Thanks,

Todd M.Bowman

Interim Assistance General Manager,
(Operations,Maintenance,Transportation)
Harrisburg International Airport Pennsylvania
One Terminal Drive, Middle town.  

 

 

The email was titled, "Thank God I Found You".  M'kay...just looking to see how literate the scammer is:

 

 

Dude...I'm an atheist.  So I cannot thank someone I don't believe in.  That said...fine, here's my address:

4334 Whittier Blvd

Los Angeles CA 90023

Dig me up when you get here, and I promise that your 30% is yours.  

 

 

(The address is a Los Angeles cemetery) The answer is, he ain't terribly attentive to content:

 

 

Dear Jack, 

                            Re: Your Package For Delivery

Thanks for your quick response. I have crossed checked your details with the information stated on the official documents received from United Nations office in Geneva attached and have confirmed that you are the actual beneficiary to receive the consignment being held here at the Harrisburg International Airport Pennsylvania Storage Vault. To ensure the full protection of you and me, I would respectfully request we maintain confidentiality.

Furthermore, for you to have full confidence of the existence of this consignment, I have attached to this email a confidential copy of the US Customs Ultra Scan Report(For Your Eyes Only) which indicates that the trunk box have been scanned and confirmed to be filled with valuable monetary instrument worth millions of dollars and in order for me to negotiate with the airport vault authorities for the release of the withheld package to you, I will go ahead and pay for the US Non Inspection Charges of $3,700 which was the main reason the consignment was with-held by the Harrisburg International Airport authorities here in Pennsylvania since these charges were not paid by the diplomatic agent delivering this consignment to you.

Please note that once I have been able to clear these release requirements, I shall board the next flight to your city to deliver these box to you, but you have to assure me that my own share of the funds which is 30% of the total value will be given to me  on my arrival.

I will go ahead and pay for the Non Inspection Charges and concluded negotiations for the release of the consignment to you which could be completed later today, but you have to assure me once again that my own share of the money will be given to me as I am taking a big risk doing this processing on your behalf. I would respectfully request that you keep the contents of our communication confidential. I am making use of the opportunity since I will be retiring soon without anyone knowing about it, unless if you reveal it to a third party,which i would strongly advice you never to do so and remember, 'Loose Lips Sink Ships', i advice you  call or sms me when you receive this email.I will also be needing your identity for easy identification and your complete data.

Please confirm receipt.Warmest Regards,
Todd M.Bowman
Assistance Inspection Director

Mobile: (484) 427-4972  

 

 

No problem..I assure you that you'll get what's coming to you.  

 

 

My Good friend, I want you to know that you need to follow what I said in my previous email regarding my 30% which will make this deal work out for the both of us. It is also important for you to know that you are not going to pay any taxes on this fund because I will personally deliver the consignment to your home. 

It will interest you to know that your maximum corporation will be appreciated and should be absolutely confidential between the both of us. Right now I'm expecting a loan to pay for the NON INSPECTION fee to clear up the consignment. As soon as I'm able to clear the consignment, I will update you on how to meet with you.

Hope you can understand me clearly. You can text me. View my driver license for your perusal.Get back to me at once.  

 

 

I unnerstand you clearly and my corporation will be maximum.  

 

 

After much deliberation with the authority I have been able to secure the release of the consignment after a heated negotiation with the airport vault authorities. I have also paid the Non Inspection fees of $3,700 which was the main reason why the Diplomat abandoned the Consignment because he was unable to pay the fee but after making payment I have been required by the custom airport authority to settle the ownership certificate fee of $1,980.00 otherwise clearance will not be issue and the flight company would not board me for delivery. I am now left with only $1,200.00 after paying for the Non-Inspection fee.

This process requires me to make the payment to their paying office here before they will issue their receipt for clearance. This receipts serves as an evidence/proof, thereby satisfying luggage as genuine and legitimate having passed through the Harrisburg International Airport Pennsylvania satisfactory inspection examination It has now become imperative for you to support me at this point so that I can make this payment as required to avoid delays. What is left now is $780 Due to the exigent situation. We need to round this up fast. Do try and send me the $780 so that I can add up to complete the needed amount.

Remember this payment is for the ownership certificate of the duration of the consignment in their custody before the clearance will be completed, As soon as the ownership certificate  is paid I will make my flight schedule available to you to know my date and time of arrival in your city today.

I did not bargain for this, hence your understanding and assistance is highly needed for a fast and smooth delivery of your consignment. Payment of the ownership certificate will also give them full confirmation that the consignment is going to your city.

This is the only role you are to play in this delivery process. I shall leave Pennsylvania to meet you once I receive the $780 from you and pay for the ownership certificate . I hope you recognize my effort so far in this process, in ensuring a safe delivery and to guide against any unforeseen circumstance.

Find attached payment receipt for Non inspection paid today.Await your compliance. Todd M. Bowman  Mobile: +(484) 427-4972 

 

 

 

So, all you need from me is $780?  

 

 

Thanks for your quick response, Yes is only the $780 more hidden fees.  Thanks and God bless.  

 

 

I didn't sneeze.  What did you mean by "more hidden fees" after the $780?  Is it $780 or is it
$780 with more hidden fees?  

 

 

I mean to say no more hidden fees.  

 

 

So it's $780 with NO hidden fees.  Got it.  

 

 

Acknowledged receipt of your email and all your emphasis is noted.I will advice you should locate any western union money transfer or money gram outlet close to you then have the fee $780 send with below payment details:

RECEIVER NAME: HERMINA KIZENGA 

ADDRESS: 12003 BUSTLETON AVE PHILADELPHIA PA APARTMENT 431

ZIP CODE :  19116

Ensure you have the scan copy of the payment slip for proper verification so that your consignment box is release for delivery immediately.  

 

 

Oh goodie:  I love it when they send my character what may be an actual address of an actual apartment building in Philly:

 

 

So is what you provided me the address of the intended recipient?  That's where I send the money?

Confirm so I get it right.  

 

 

I got your email.Yes,go ahead with the payment because recipient address are correct.  

Wait your urgent response soonest you have done with payment details.

Thanks  

 

 

  I'm all over this.  

 

 

I GOT YOUR EMAIL.WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU ARE ALL OVER THIS?  

 

 

Hereabouts, to say "I'm all over this" means that I'm ready to proceed.  

 

 

THANKS FOR YOUR PROMPT RESPONSE AND ALL YOUR INDICATION IS NOTED.THEN PROCEED WITH PAYMENT SO THAT YOUR CONSIGNMENT BOX IS RELEASE FOR DELIVERY IMMEDIATELY. 

PLEASE ENSURE YOU HAVE THE SCAN COPY OF PAYMENT SLIP FOR ONWARD VERIFICATION.  

 

 

Since the clown gave me a possibly workable mailing address, the *TOING* now goes into effect:

 

 

I'll get it out certified mail to her address right away.  

 

 

...and I do:  I send her a certified check via USPS.  More on that shortly.  We return to correspondence:

 

 

Here is her email address (herminakizenga00@gmail.com) for your perusal.  

 

 

...I don't think he knows what "certified check by mail" means.  Nyuk nyuk:

 

 

That might prove useful to confirm delivery.  Thanks.  

 

 

AWAIT YOUR PAYMENT DETAILS ASAP.  

 

 

A 'letter' including a 'certified check' is prepared, addressed, stamped and mailed.  I reckon that's payment details enough:

 

 

A certified check is on the way to Hermina.  She'll have it soon.  

 

 

A limited amount of *realization* suddenly comes to Todd:

 

 

 I your got email. We did not agreed on terms and condition that you should send certified check to Hermina and if you do sent the check already please let me have the tracking number for onward verification immediately.  

 

 

I'm the one sending the money, and I have never had any issue or lack of satisfying results sending a certified check to anyone.  You provided me an address, so I sent it there.  It went USPS so there is no tracking number; it's called certified check goes into envelope, envelope is addressed, stamped, mailed.  Hermina should receive it by late next week.  I have an inherent distrust of wiring money in this day and age.  Certified checks have never failed my expectations.    

 

 

What "they" are awaiting is a letter with a large check mark in the middle of it, with typed confirmation that "yes, I certify that this is a check.  Upon your receipt and perusal, you can certify it too".

 

*Jeopardy Theme whilst we await delivery*

 

 

The ongoing government shut down (during this series of emails) had no apparent impact on the delivery of the 'certified check' to the address ol' Todd provided.  Granted, I'll probably never know who was there to receive it, but I do know that someone did.  How do I know this?  An email from Todd, at the end of the first week early in the fledging year:


YOU BASTARD YOU THINK THIS FUN?  


Now that I know you received it, yes, I think this fun.  I told you that you'd receive what you deserved, didn't I?  


And poor ol' Todd helps me to begin celebrating my 20th year of online scambaiting...by throwing a snit, and then picking up his scam and going off to pout.

I'm good widdit.

 

 

Memes of the Times

Who knew that an old, worn out template about a dying-inheritance scam could lead to making fun of AOC?

If you've visited here much, you would.

Meet Mrs. Sandra Bricks, dying to give my character the business:

Beloved in Christ.

 

Greetings my dear, I am writing this mail to you with heavy tears in my eyes and great sorrow in my heart. As I informed you earlier, I am (Mrs.)Sandra Sharon Bricks from American and a widow to late Mr.Bricks, I am 63 years old, suffering from long time Cancer of the breast. From all indications my condition is really deteriorating and it's quite obvious that I won't live more than 2 months according to my doctors.

 

I have some funds I inherited from my late loving husband Mr.Bricks a huge sum , deposited in a Finance Company . I need a very honest,reliable and God fearing person that can use these funds for Charity work, helping the Less Privileges, and 20% of this money will be for your time and expenses, while 80% goes to charities.

Please let me know if I can TRUST YOU ON THIS to carry out this favor for me. I look forward to your prompt reply for more details .

 

Yours sincerely

Mrs.Sandra Bricks  

 

 

Please note that when she writ this, she had "heavy" tears in her eyes.

 

The look on George's face works for that line, too.

 

Well...what with AOC on a path of ever-declining stupid of late, it seemed only right that a way be found to work her into the edit to follow.  My character did:

 

 

From: Ms Alexandra Ocasio-Vortex aka US House Reptile (NY) <mrsbrick@barid.com>
Sent: Saturday, February 30, 2019 2:28 AM
Subject: Greeetings and Harpy New Ears!  Two for One at Target While Supplies during Looting Last!

 

Beloved on stilts.

 

Greetings to all the deer, elk and beasts of the Master of Ceremonkeys, with whom all things are done sodomizily weird.  I am writing this mail to you with heavy doses of hallucinogens in my blood stream and great hallucinations in my YouTube viral upload. As I informed you or someone I mistook for a whole flock of you earlier, I am Ms Alexandra Ocasio-Vortex aka US House Reptile (NY) from somewhere between American and Zimbabwean alphabet soupically, as viewed through a window to the world of globular clam aid change.  Read that slowly enough and it might make some senses in Azerbaijani or Yoruba, I think.  As a bonafried widow to late Mr. Vortex -- I kilt and ate him after sex with a Salad Shooter -- I am 29 years old, suffering from long time cucumber of the genital. From all indications my condition is really not much different from the gender fluid non-binaries at Berkeley who have yet to find a pronoun that describes them or a bathroom designed to gives them true feeling of relief from parody, parsnippity or pissing a name legibly in snow.  All things are possible unless you're a democrap, then nothing is possumbull without intervention, hand outs, censorship and an overwhelming urge to sit in a forest and scream for all the tree stumps lost to the ages from termites and termightnots. 

I don't know about you but it's quite obvious that I won't maintain an off-prime-time show on cnn for more than 2 months if I don't get something that proves Russians colluded with Saints fans to cost the Rams their chance to refuse to go to the White House because of cow-farting globular warning.  That, according to my doctors, is what nine out of every five democraps experienced the night that Hellary lost and cnn tried to analyze it with Common Core meth.

 

I have some unicorns I inherited from my late loving wombat of a husband -- just before I ate him -- deposited in an appliance store in what's left of Detroit.  Before it gets looted and the unicorns are exposed to plus zero temperatures -- at which point their rainbow ice cream that they crap will all melt and get all runny -- I am told that I need a very honest psychological assessment to see what condition my condition is in. 

At this point I am directed by a Bela Pelosi baphomet oracle with Maxine Waters features to post a disclaimer about how Charity work, or she won't have to if she don't want to, with my new #GreenJeansHorkForTheFutureOfUranus that is, as I type, not helping the Less Privileges of Pluto, and 20% of this resolution will be for your watch and other valuables that you'll leave as reparations at the door, while 80% goes to Antifans who has been impacted by globular warning, THC brownies and LSD. 

Please to note that along with airplanes and farting cows, my plans will also ban Northern toilet paper, and you'll revert to using tree bark, just like the ones we used to know by how they howled in agony from behind the outhouse at 3am in a blizzard in Newark.

So shall it be again.

Please let me know if I can TRUST YOU ON THIS to not make fun of me, or I'll use my subpoena power to bring you before my crimeittee and make you sorry you ever meme'd me like you did, like you did yes you did...and I spank you.

I look forward to your prompt reaction to what someone done to my song, Ma.  Look what they done to my song, Ma...why for they do this to my song, Ma?

 

Ms Alexandra Ocasio-Vortex aka US House Reptile (NY)   

 

 

So far, only crickets from the scammer...no subpoena yet from Her Psycho-ness, which I'll give to the pet rock, Seymour, if it comes.

 

"Will NOT!!!   PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!"

A Bad Scam A Worse Reply II

History repeats.

My pet rock, Seymour, saw the following scam email from a Lt. Colonel Robinson and had what he considered to be a creative *TOING* totally unique to him:


Confidential / Lt. Col James Robinson

Hello and Greetings to you

I am Lt. Col. James Robinson, commander, USA Airforce, military base in Syria.

Can you work with me on a confidential business deal?  It will require you to help me receive huge funds and military uniform out of Syria and Afghanistan to your Country and place. I will provide you with details if you are willing and interested.

First, you will be very well financially compensated.

Secondly, if you will love to move your family in the future to America, I can help you relocate to America.

Your religion does not matter to me. Only trust and honesty.

I have two sons but my wife is late.

Get back to me for details if you can work with me.

James   

Among other things, Seymour considers himself something of a song-writing lyricist with no peers.

I don't see how that's possible, since so many song writers out there are stoned at the time.

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!"


At any rate, Seymour begged me to let him answer this scam letter.  So I did.

And Seymour, he says he came up with a "whole new, never-before-heard song", in both tune and lyrics.  Which he proudly allowed me to peruse.

Enter my own recognition *TOING*

While the lyrics did intermix some originality with parody, the tune was well known from my love of music from the 1960s.

"Is NOT!!!  This is never-before-heard stuff!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

When shown this picture, Seymour gave me a blank stare:

Which was understandable, so I found the right picture:

To Seymour's blank stare was added "who are they?"

Who indeed.

With no further coo coo adieu, see how Seymour responded to the scammer in parodious fashion:


De, de de-de de-de, de-de de-de, de de-de
Po, po po-po po-po, po-po po
De-de de-de de de de-de de de de-de de

And here's to you, Colonel Robinson
you're a bigger douche than you could know
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Oh f**ing please, Colonel Robinson
Is this the f**king best that you can do?
Poo poo poo, do be do

We'd like to know a little bit about your three brain cells
We'd like to shove this scam square up your ass
Ask around and find you're really f**king bad
Scroll around the 'net you'll see you really suck

And here's to you, Colonel Robinson
you're a bigger douche than you could know
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Oh f**ing please, Colonel Robinson
Is this the f**king best that you can do?
Poo poo poo, do be do

Find a little hiding place where no one else can go
Up your ass just where your head's tucked
Not a little secret, just the Colonel's crappy lair
Most of all, you'll prolly share it with the Dems

Kookoo AaCHOO, Colonel Robinson
you're a bigger douche than you could know
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Oh f**ing please, Colonel Robinson
Is this the f**king best that you can do?
Poo poo poo, do be do 

Picking at your backside on a Sunday afternoon
Scamming at the internet cafe
Doesn't matter which template their telling you to use
Doesn't matter what you send, you lose

Where have you gone, Mrs Abacha?
Nigeria turns its crossing eyes to you
Woo, woo, woo
What's that you say, Colonel. Robinson?
Ol' Mariam has lost her scam today
Hey hey hey, heck darn poo

What comes as no surprise, the scammer had nothing more to say after receiving this.  Seymour hisself may yet receive a reprimand from lawyers for Simon and Garfunkel.

"Will NOT!!!  But get their autograph if they do.."

*TOING*


 

Shouldn't Allow This Wine Before Any Time

Wine.  We all know it's claimed to have healthful benefits.  When imbibed in prescription-abusing amounts, it can result in viral results, especially in this day and age on YouTube.

So when wine is used as the front for an on-line scam, one can guess that taken in any amount, it'll have no good outcomes to the imbiber.

Like here:


 am Sir Donald Hopkins working in fortune wine company UK. I have profitable business proposal for you as one of the product my company use in manufacturing wine is found in India,i will give you more business transaction once i get a response from you


Best regard
Donald Hopkins
Departmemt manager
Fortune Wine Company ukI am Sir Donald Hopkins working in fortune wine company UK. I have profitable business proposal for you as one of the product my company use in manufacturing wine is found in India,i will give you more business transaction once i get a response from you


Best regard
Donald Hopkins
Departmemt manager
Fortune Wine Company uk  


He was apparently so wasted when he wrote this, he repeated hisself.


I didn't bother investigating if there is something out there like the Fortune Wine Company; for my purposes, it didn't matter.  What did matter was the edit:


From: Sir Donald of Duck <info@next1solutions.com>
Sent: Monday, January 14, 2019 1:59 AM
To: Recipients
Subject: Mules Benefit

 

I was Sir Donald Hopkins Duck working with a rather pedestrian distiller of cheap wines aka Boone's Farm, located in the UK.  I was in Newark, NJ, until an extended wine-tasting event wound me up in a feminist snuggie with my gender in transition and no idea how any of it happened.  Perhaps it came about from vaping the cheapest of the Boone's Farm family of under-a-dollar-a-bottle wines.  I had a really  profitable business, home, spouse, genitals and a passing knowledge of how they worked.  Now all of that is gone.

Is this what is like to suddenly be found in India, making phone calls to the USA while imitating Fisher Stevens from Short Circuit, and claiming your computer is infected with Nancy Bela Pelosi and I must be allowed to purge it with a Boone's Farm vintage that's Tidy Bowl blue and 99 cents a bottle?  This may be the best argument against vaping and totally mindless gender re-assignment in history, but even cnn won't pick it up, since most of them are gender fluid non-binaries and are having to dig out from under the snow that The Donald's helicopter sprayed over them. 

Be that as it all may, I will give you more of the business once i get a response from you that doesn't include you laughing at me.

Best regard such as these circumstances leave one in,
Madam Donna Hopkins Duck
Department Eunuch
Ill-Fortune Wine Company, a sinking sidiary of Boone's Farm and not likely to have a commercial or two during the Super Bowl. 

 

 

Actually, the idea of a Super Bowl ad appealed to my pet rock, Seymour; he just doesn't have the three + million to pay for it.

 

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

Post 1500 -- When Ginsburg Is No Defense

Yes, this is post #1500.  The blog's come a long way from June 2005, baby.

Not that it helps poor ol' Al Franken to live down his antics earlier in the decade.

Neither will it help the scammer that tried my character with this badly-writ ploy:


Hi am samfedy, know very well, am Vessel Engineer in a ship,in 2015 our ship sail towards east west  coast of an island called  Cape Verde near  Sierra

Leone in the WestAfrica sub region then some Portuguese Gold traders came to sell their Gold to gold buyers in the Market so i bought the Gold with almost  $1,050,000  without telling any members of my colluegues in the ship but as we sailed further to another country in Middle east of Mexico City,  I sold the Gold with a lot of money up to about $20,500,000.00 to gold buyers merchants and i quickly deposit the money into bank in London,so since 2018,the  British Government wrote me and wanted me to transfer the money away from their country  to my Country Benin Republic and it is not allowed in the  consititution of Law in my country such Hugh amount of money so am Looking for a person Like you to claim the money into your bank  Account in your country  since we are not allowed to have any foriegn bank account by my Government so that my country will not be able to know or access  the source of my Wealth.

And more importantly I guarantee you that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. Please get  in touch with me with the below informations to enable us discuss further about this transaction. Furthermore,no risk is involved in the business,you are
100% risk free.It will last for 6 working days

 Lastly all the Documents for the claim are all with me here ok.   Further more i want to use the fund to invest in good business in your country under your surpervision.Therefore you are advise to send all these your data   informations to me now so that i can use it to write an application of claim to the bank involved and later i will send it to you thereafter you send it to the bank.Here are the informations needed below;

NAMES:
SURNAME:
SEX:
AGE:
MARITAL:
COUNTRY:
CONTACT ADDRESS:
PHONE NO:
OCCUPATION:
Your Copy of Identification (International)
Passport/Driver's License Attach Copy)+  


Long as the scammer's not very good with scam templates, let's hep him out a bit in the most peculiar ways possible for the 1500th post of this blog:



From: Mr sam <chumavin@yahoo.com>
Sent: Tuesday, January 8, 2019 4:22 PM
Subject: contact as soon as possible before boat sinks or something  

Hi am samfedy, know very well you know?  am wessel Engineer in a ship.  I am wessel Engineer in a ship because the wessel engines are in the ship and not on it, like the Enterprise.

in 2015 our ship sail towards east west  coast at the same time of an island called  Cape Verde near  Sierra Madre Leone in the West Africa sub region.  We gots it all here:  Somali pilates, sea cows, tsumommis and tsudaddies ("whose your tsudaddy?"), the Bermuda quadrangle,  and the Orgasm Sea where Sinbad staged his seven famous voyages, on the seventh of which he discovered Ruth Bader Ginsburg as a single digit; Ray Harryhausen then made her in to a cyclopsibal that is reputed to threatening to capsize Guam for reasons only Hank Johnson (Dumbass GA) knows.

 Anyway, I liked the movie premise so much, I bought the production company.  So now I own the Ruth Bader Ginsburg cyclopsibal; nobody, including me, knows why I'd want it.

And for only $1,050,000  without telling any members of my colleagues in the ship, it can be yours but must act soonest as we sailed further to another country in Middle east of Mexico City,  where cherry blossoms have six inch fangs, so on an urgent recommendation to avoidance of mutiny most bountiful, i quickly sail the nuclear wessel into Dogger Banks, not far from Hape Catteras since 2018, the last time hurricane rearrange things hereabouts.

Truth is, neither I, my wessel mates or the British Government have any idea just where we are in relation to my Country Benin Republic and it is not allowed in the constitution of Law in my country for a wessel engineer such as me to own or attempt to have sex with a cyclopsibal that looks like Ruth Bader Ginsburg. 

And that is why I suck you out for to help me with this mess.  

And more importantly I guarantee you that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will expose you to any breach of the law.   And sword-wielding skeletons.

Please get in touch with me with the below informations to enable us discuss further about this transaction. Furthermore, significant risk is involved in the business I'm giving you and it will last for 6 working days.  Lastly all the Documents for the claim are all with me here ok.  Further moreover i want to use this opportunity to get away from Ruth Bader Ginsburg cyclopsibal because it slobbers gallons a day.  Therefore you are advise to send all these your data informations to me now so that i can use it against you in a World Court of Kangaroo and later at your mental competency hearing.

Here are the informations needed below;

NAMES:
SURNAME:
SEX:
AGE:
MARITAL, MENSTRUAL or METAMUCIL:
COUNTRY:
CONTACT ADDRESS:
PHONE NO:
OCCUPATION:
Your Copy of Identification (International)
Passport/Driver's License Attach Copy)+  

 

 

The edit was apparently too much for Mr. Sam Fedy.  Or perhaps it was the visions of Ruth Bader Ginsburg suddenly dancing around inside his haid...at any rate, so goes post #1500.  And the scammers are still losing without understanding why.  Nor do they understand the line about the skeleton entering a local bar and ordering a beer and a mop...