Hacked Like A Hairball

The "hacker ATM card" scam is alive and ill-willed in 2019.

That's the message this scammer didn't intend to send me with her email titled "Universal ATM Card":


Nice day,
I'm Cornelia Reitman I'd like to inform you or someone out there who needs money, since I've been helped by a blank universal ATM card that has dispersed both Us dollars and other currencies including Pounds Euro and Swiss francs. I had a low Credit score and have found it Difficult to get credit for my business, I saw an email online about the card and how you can get an actual amount of $5,000 in one day and unlimited spending in a any store (Walmart, Target et c) with the use of POS and any cashier's desk from a universal Debit atm, another brilliant thing about the card is,you can also transferas much as $10,00 to any local bank as  its funds are gotten from offshore accounts without trace, Mr Friedrich has been able to help the few he can with his special hacked debit cards without trace for years now, When I saw this post, I ordered my card via hacker Friedrich Leaumont(Infodebitcard@engineer.com) It came here within 2 days, I have this ATM for months and I have spent and withdrawn more than $290,000, with the debit card I have everything Thanks to hacker Friedrich Leaumont(Infodebitcard@engineer.com) I have bought my own house in Florida and started my own business, I told my relatives of the card, and now my sister and other relatives still enjoy the use of the card, the hacker is trustworthy and fast and he Delivers the card quickly to your doorstep, is it completely safe,Are you in a financial crisis and thinking of borrowing or lend from private lenders or banks? Then your worries are over, because when you contact hacker Friedrich Leaumont He will make your dreams come true, the cards are programmed to work in all countries. Please contact Hacker Friedrich Leaumont directly by e-mail:
(Infodebitcard@engineer.com) and live a debt-free life,
If you want to know more about my story and the use of my card, please reply to this email.
I hope I can help someone out there with my testimony,this card has really saved me from the high interest rate of bank loans. Infodebitcard@engineer.com  


Uh huh.  Buyin' it like I have the past few years of seeing these.

The edit was, I'm sure, not going to please the alleged "hacker" behind the scam:


From: Cornelia Reitman <info@900527882.mylightsite.com>
Sent: Thursday, January 17, 2019 10:45 PM
To: Recipients
Subject: Universal Debit Card Good Even On Uranus 

Lice aren't nice, that's what they say, lice aren't nice, keep them away...but I digress.

I'm Cornelia Reitman I'd like to inform you or someone out there who needs a front lobotomy or just a bottle in front of me that  I've been severely f**ked over by a blank universal ATM card that is reputedly good anywhere you don't want to be...even Uranus.  Granted, I'm not sure how one would get to Uranus -- I'm assuming they mean the planet, and not someone's moon being flashed off a patio at a drunken party -- but that's what it was advertised as.  When I got it, my first thought was "WTF?"  Then I read the instructions -- I had to use Gooble Transloot, since it turned out that the instructions were in Yoruba -- and I was instructed to send $295 in both Us dollars and other currencies including Pounds Euro and Swiss francs to a character named Igbo Ungabunga Ukulele in Nigeria; once I did that, I could get access to money from this card at any ATM in a zero gravity environment.

I didn't and still don't know where to find zero gravity ATMs. 

I think I've been had.

I had a low Credit score and have found it Difficult to get credit for my business; now it's proven that I have a low IQ as well. 

Then I saw an email meme online about Nancy Bela Pelosi missing out on her jet plane, not able to take a junket on taxpayer money during her sandpoundingly stupid government shutdown she engineered with Chuck U. Schumer, the uncle of the unf**kable comedienne with the same last name.  So many asides with this ATM ploy I got had by.

Anyway, about the card and all the reasons you want to avoid it:

 

You have to send $295 in five different denominations to this Igbo Ungabunga Ukulele in Nigeria; that's $295 in five different denominations EACH.  That should have been my first tip-off.

1. Once you do that, you receive a picture of the ATM card with your name on it in an email, telling you that it's coming via Jurassic Air Courier Delivery, and that when the courier arrives -- a carrier pterodactyl -- you have to throw it a sheep, or it'll never give up what it brung you.
2. The pre-delivery instructions claim that when you receive the card -- assuming you have a sheep ready -- you'll be able to draw $5,000 in one day from any ATM that's located in a zero-gravity environment.
3. There aren't any zero-gravity environments on Earth, I found out:  Uranus has some it is thought, but no one knows if they have the type of ATMs as herein described.
4. And I'm told it'll take 8 years to get there by space ship.
5. With none scheduled anytime soon.
6. Which sucks monkey balls.
7. Which I've been dared to try but preferred to nosh on a Tide Pod.
8. Cuz monkeys bite.

 

When I saw this post, I should have gouged my eyes out with a porcupine dildo, but noooooooooooooo, I foolishly believed that the frog hacker Friedrich Leaumont (Infodebitcard@engineer.com) wasn't doing hallucinogens when he found my email address etched in the back of a tree outside a fly-infested internet cafe in Lagos.  Thanks to the frog hacker Friedrich Leaumont (Infodebitcard@engineer.com) I have spent the past three months in jail and have a bogus ATM card that cost me a sheep and three fingers of my left hand, only to find it only works in ATMs in zero gravity, of which there ain't any.  I tried it in a Fast Ubanga Bello's Bait and Switch Market in Burkina Fatso, and that's were I got arrested.

I told my relatives that I don't like about the card, and now my sister and other relatives are in jail from Nigeria to Ghana. 

So if you hear from this asshole frog hacker, Friedrich Leaumont, tell him to shove a porcupine up his ass.  Do that by emailing the sh*thead at (Infodebitcard@engineer.com).

 Again:  shove a porcupine up his ass ... Infodebitcard@engineer.com 

 

 

I didn't hear back from the hacker or his testimonializer.  I did get an email from NASA about mythical ATMs that work in zero-gravity.  I referred that inquiry to my pet rock, Seymour.

 

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

 

I don't think you want to do that in zero gravity, either.  Not without good brakes.