Sexual Gumming's A Thing?

Yowza...it might just be.

Not that this scammer suspected it when he wound up sending my character this:

Rev Solomom Quam <mccutcheon@buckeye-express.com>

Mon 1/21/2019, 9:47 PM

ifyifeanyi01@yahoo.com

 

Attention, Beneficiary:

 

This massage is from the federal ministry of finance. During our comprehensive investigations regarding your inability to receive your overdue payment we discovered that you have been dealing with a set of corrupt government officials who have been making  frantic efforts to divert your money into their personal accounts to enrich themselves, This is to inform you sequel to the meeting held this afternoon from the bureau of World Bank Rep here. Your funds amounted to $4.5M has been approved for an ATM CARD.  The issue was extensively discussed and an irrevocably resolution was reached whereby  we have been mandated to pay you the sum of $4.5m dollars as part of your outstanding contract/money payment, in furtherance to that you are warned to stop further dealings with any other person(s) or office(s) because such illegal dealings/ activities may sabotage this latest efforts in ensuring a hitch free release of your $4.5m dollars.

In lieu of the above, an ATM CARD will be issued to you by the ATM department of payment release center which you will use to withdraw your money from any cash point or ATM machine anywhere in the world and the maximum withdrawal per day is $6,000 pay day until your total money withdraw completely.

For further action regarding the release of your ATM, contact Director ATM department, Salomon Biokov

U.B.A N,

You are advised to send them with the following information:

Name:=====
Address:=====
Phone number:====

Therefore, kindly get back to us for more details.
Regards,
Dr.Haruna Jim  

 

 

I love how all of these guys are reverends, and that they have no end of made-up names to insert.

 

 

However, they ain't seed made-up until they run afoul of my "editing-gone-wild" pet rock, Seymour:

 

 

From: Rev Solomom Quam Delirious <mccutcheon@buckeye-express.com>
Sent: Monday, January 21, 2019 9:47 PM
To: ifyifeanyi01@yahoo.com
Subject: Atten: All You Toothless Benefactors of Sexual Gumming

Atten: All You Toothless Benefactors of Sexual Gumming

This massage is from the robodesk within a sub sect of a federal ministry of perfunctory government workers whose only real job is to f**k up whatever they touch.  Rather makes us democraps like Bela Pelosi, don't it?

During our incompetent and grossly inept investigations regarding your inability to accept sexual advances from our toothless prostitutes through our 1-900 online and overseas operations, we discovered that you have been not receiving our telegrams delivered by Jurassic Air Couriers; it's apparent that you're forgetting to stake a sheep out in your front yard and the carrier pterodactyls they use won't deliver without a staked-out sheep there for them on arrival. 

This is to inform you that sequel to the next Rocky movie (Rocky XXI -- Cyborg Meets Prunes), a meeting was held this afternoon with a burro from the bureau of World Blanked Expletives here. The net result of this meeting was that we have to schedule another one:  no one could understand one word the burro brayed.

In attempting to tabulate a figure that would constitute an offer that you couldn't refuse, we finally came up with an ATM card bearing the amount of 4,500 in West African francs.  The issue was extensively discussed and an irrevocable resolution was reached predicated on the basis that you have no idea how worthless the West African franc is (the amount cited is the equivalent, we think, of two US dollars...or at least it was this morning, before we learned that our entire country here has bleeding infectious painful rectal itch of the tongue).  In view and furtherance of the fact that our whole country is a suckass sh*thole, you are warned to only deal with Swiss bankers from Liechtenstein, who are not lowlife f**ksticks with oral and genital diseases like us. 

I think our proofreaders are asleep at their templates because I think I just telled you to stop further dealings with any other person(s) or office(s) from here because such illegal dealings/ activities are intended to sabotage this latest efforts in ensuring a hitch free acquisition on our part of some fee payment you'd be expected to make before we conveniently forget to send you a worthless ATM card that we pirated a photo of from 1-900-Atuba-Sex-Online, where inflatables are the only reality you'll find.

In lieu of the above, you'd be wise to wash your hands of this whole affair, and tell me and everyone here that sent you this to take a flying f**k at a rolling Cheerio.  Not easy, I assure you; I'm still trying to hit one.

 I have the complete shame to be Rev Solomom Quam Delirious

U.B.A.N. (that's a department and not a brand of coffee, F**kstick)

You are advised to send them with the following information so we can look at our lists, check on them twice, try to find out who's stupid with lice, Santa Claus is coming, with sheep:

Name (yours or someone who you really REALLY hate):=====
Address (my baboon wife only has one so another would be nice):=====
Phone number (a working one please, I hate getting translation speech therapists with lisps):====

Therefore, kindly get back to us because we have operators standing by and we can't keep them doing that forever.
Regards,
Dr. Wannaplay My Harmonica Jim

 

 

It appears that Seymour's edit left them speechless; an email reply was received, but it was blank.

 

Pretty much like their whole ploy.

 

Maybe they hurt themselves trying out the running f**k at a rolling Cheerio.