Iran Being Silly...Again

My pet rock, Seymour, loves to surf the news for the odd and obtuse. 

With low-brow sources like cnn and ms13nbc out there, Seymour is rarely disappointed.

Recently, he came across a story that had us both *TOING* about the same time.  It was just that Seymour was quicker with the "hold my beer and watch THIS" response.

Thus:


Iranian Genital Accuses Israel of Naughtiness by Stealing Clouds

Israel is “at it again” according to an Iranian genital, parting the Red Sea in a different way.

By Seymour PetRock -- WTFNS

Brigadier Genital Gholam Reza Jalali, head of Iran’s Snivel Defence Organ, said that the changing climate and drought in Iran is “superimpositorily twat waffled” and a product of malign, anti-uncle Iran forces, according to a spokesperson from South Park.

“Foreign interference is knowd to have played a role in our climate change,” Genital Jalali insisted, adding that an Iranian scientific study conducted by that paragon of scientific jackwagonry, Willy Nilly Nye, “confirms” the claim.

“Israel has a plan which work to ensure clouds entering Iranian skies are unable to release either rain or rainbow ice cream-crapping unicorns,” he said.

Genital Jalali cited a photo survey carried out over the past three thousand years covering the climate of the Middle East with focus on...the most desert-y parts.

What happens when someone farts in Iran...

Duh.

He presented the two photos as proof. First, Iran 3,000 years ago:

Then Iran, today:

See the difference?  The Genital says he does.

The head of Iran’s meteorological service Ahad Vazife struck a more “WTF?” note, saying the Genital “probably has painful rectal itch or something of which I am not aware, but on the basis of meteorological knowledge, it is not possible for a country to steal snow or clouds without some unknown and very unhideable technology.”

The Genital was quick to provide photo-shopped proof of his claim:

 
The Genital had no comment for where the fan was placed, and the House of Saud had no comment about its plans to open an IHOC* in the near future.

This is not the first time outside forces have been accused of seeking to affect the outcome of camel sex and other stuff in the Islamofascist republic.

Former president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in 2011 accused Western countries of devising plans to “cause octosexual orthopodism” in Iran after banging his head repeatedly on a desk at the UN when he meant to bang his shoe.

He claimed “European countries used special equipment to force clouds to dump” their water on their continent.

“The Rolling Stones expose this in their song, 'Is..is.ra-el stop stealing their cloud!'. We long know Israel have designed plans to cause drought in Iran,” Mr Ahmadinejad said.

“According to reports on climate, whose accuracy has been verified by AlGore and Willy Nilly Nye for Comedy Central, Israel is using special equipment to force clouds to dump” their water on their continent and stunt their camels, he said.

By doing so, “they prevent rain clouds from reaching Iran,” Mr Ahmadinejad charged.

A spokesperson for the Rolling Stones responded “Wha' a bloody wanker!”

A spokesperson for Israeli Prime Minster Benjamin Netanyahu is still trying to reply with a straight face.

In a sort of related aside, a spokesperson for former US President Bill Clinton is trying to figure out if an octosexual orthopod can genitally hold eight cigars at once.

I may just have the first pet rock in world history to be denounced by an islamofascist republic.

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!....uh...is there an award for that?"

*International House of Camel..."with the change at IHOP, someone hadda step up" said a spokesSaud...

Where Oh Where Are We?

The picture doesn't really relate to the email scam featured here.  Perhaps it should.  It does, after all, kinda sorta look a little like Malaysia.

Say 'yo' to Morris Chandler, traveling scammer:

This is to inform you that I came to Malaysia yesterday from Canada

to seek for the payment of the beneficiaries  from Asia, Africa,

Europe,  South America and the United States of America. The United Natiions in collaboration with Federal Government of Malaysia and the British Government to see that all debts owes to contractors and other beneficiaries are paid to them immediately. Right now, as directed by

UN secretary General named António Guterres we should work in collaborations with these governments to ensure that your overdue payment worth $10.5M paid into your account without any delay  as approved and instructed by World Bank. 

Sincerely, you are a lucky person because I have just discovered that some top Malaysia  and Canadian Government officials are intereste in your fund and they are working in collaboration with One Mr.Richard Graves from USA to frustrate you and thereafter divert your fund into their personal account.You can view this page for your perusal http://www.un.org/News/Press/docs/2003/ik344.doc.htm We are going to pay you from our compensation fund scheme. Note that I have a very limited time to stay in Malaysia here as soon as I receive your information I will direct to our head of finance for your immediate payment.So I  would like you to urgently respond to this message with your details, so that we can work on your payment as soon as possible. You can reach me for now with below information:

1. Your full names:.......................

2. Residential address:...................

3. Telephone phone number:.................

4.       Bank information...........................

5. Occupation..............................

Kindly Reply strictly 

through my personal email address) morris_chandler121@outlook.com

Sincerely yours,

Mr Morris Chandler

W.B CO-ORDINATOR  

 

 

That's nice.  The edit leaves it more traveled, and well...not so much:

 

This is to inform you that I came to Malaysia yesterday from Canada

by way of Montenegro through Liechtenstein enroute to Azerbaijan

to buy Somali Hen's Teeth to sell in gift shops in backwoods places

in Arkansas and the basement of the DNC.  Whatever I do, I am

adjured to keep them out of Whoopi Goldberg's snatch, for a

nastier place is not envisioned and would turn Somali Hen's Teeth

into avenging gremlins that trash movie theatres and candy shops.

Just like Michael Moore.

Sincerely, you are a lucky person because I have just discovered that

some top Malaysia  and Canadian Government officials are installing

surveillance cameras in Whoopi's 'bat cave' to see to it that this is not

a 'thing' on YouTube.  It might overly excite Antifa.

DC Swamp Dwellers Against Anything in Whoopi's Gitch -- hashtag

#Ack -- are signing up in droves.  Not sure what constitutes a drove,

but if you gots a motor car, you obviously drove once.  The banker has

a little motor car and little children laugh at him behind his back. 

At least on Penney Lane.

One Mr.Richard Graves from USA frustrate you by changing the

Chanel number 5 from Fox to cnn.  That will make the dead rise

and register to vote in Shotcago.  And worse, it will cause a rash of

people to write letters and send them snail mail at 50 cents per stamp.

Oh, the humanities...

So I  would like you to urgently respond to this message with

your details, retails, whether or not you has a tail.  

You can reach me for now with below information:

1. Your full names:.......................

2. Residential address:...................

3. Telephone phone number:.................

4.       Bank information...........................

5. Occupation..............................

6. Are you the least bit interested in Whoopi's snatch...................................

7. If so, WTF is wrong with you......................................

Kindly Reply strictly 

through my personal email address) morris_chandler121@outlook.com

Sincerely yours,

Mr Morris Chandler

WTF CO-ORDINATOR

Ol' Morris didn't seem inclined to follow this up after receiving it.  I guess the mental image of Whoopi's 'bat cave' was too much for him, too.

 

Tanks For Nothing

Well, this one's unique, sorta:  the person contacting my character claims to have lost her family in the Iraq War, when an American tank "shelled" their car.

Alrighty then.  Here's her ploy:


Dearest Beloved One

I have not considered this medium to be the best manner to have approached you of this issue being that the internet has been greatly abused over the recent years, I have decided to use this means seeing no other means could have been faster to reach you than the e-mail. My name is Mrs. Vivian Nasim, wife of late Salem Nasim, an Iraqi. Two years ago, I lost my husband Nasim and my three children - Husam, 15 years old ,Wasim, 12 years old and Merna, 6years old, this happened when American tank shelled our car as my family attempted to flee heavy fighting in Baghdad. View the Website below for detailed story of how I lost my family.http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/shared/spl/hi/middle_east/04/vivians_story/html/1.stm

Before my husband and children were killed, he deposited the sum of £ 4.500,000.00 (Four Million, Five Hundred Thousand Great Britain Pounds) with a bank here in the UK, This is the only money remaining in the said account right now but that is not the major problem rather My Doctor told me in confidence that I would not last for the next three months due to cancer and other illness resulting from the shock of the loss of my family.

Having known my condition I decided to donate these funds to a church or better still a God fearing individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct herein, I want an individual that will use this fund for orphanages and Charity (Humanitarian) services. I took this decision because I don't have any child that will inherit this money and my husband's relatives are not Christians and I don't want my husband’s hard earned money to be misused by unbelievers; I don’t want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly manner.

It would have been better placed if the situation in my country permits me to give this money to my new Church, but due to the constant break down of law and order in my country that keep affecting Churches there from time to time, if I  do so I am not sure that any project this money will be invested will not be destroyed. I have to leave my country for London where I am taking treatment. and as soon as I concluded with handing over this money to some one my heart accepts, I will go back to my Country to Answer my last Call.

As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of my lawyer who will help you with all the legal documents that will back you up and also make you the original- beneficiary of the fund. Please assured me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein. Please you are advice to keep this confidential from eyes and ears of my husband's family as I hope to hear from you soon.

Pray for me as well and may God bless you as you accept to be of help. Please reply if you have accepted to be of help to me.

Regards,

Mrs. Vivian Nasim  


So she combines at least three different templates I've seen, to make one long sob story that my character is supposed to buy.


*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*


She shoulda tried some focus group review first.


But that's okay...it's edit time:

From: Mrs. Vivian Nasim< chineduchidos4real@yahoo.com>
Sent: Tuesday, June 12, 2018 10:38 AM
Subject: Things Not To Do While Fleeing Baghdad 

Dearest Beloved, we are gathered he...er...oops, wrong template.

I have not considered this medium to be the best manure to have approached you of this issue being that the internet has been greatly abused over the recent years and people like me have make it so.  Still, I have decided to use this means seeing no other means could have been faster to reach you than the e-mail.  My name is Mrs. Vivian Nasim, wife of late Salem Nasim, an Iraqi of Liechtensteinian descent.  Two years ago, I lost Nasim and my three goats - Husam, 15 years old ,Wasim, 12 years old and Merna, 6years old - when an American tank shelled our car as my family attempted to flee heavy fighting in Baghdad.

I told Nasim that it probably wasn't a good idea to drive between the lines during an armored fight, but Nasim, would HE listen???  Nooooo...he say "No one gonna shoot up a Yugo full of goats".  I bet him fifty Iraqi dinars.

Blam...*POOF*...he still owes me, the blown-apart bastard.

Before my husband and goats were killed, I had written an article for the Baghdad Times entitled, "Things Not To Do While Fleeing Baghdad".  The local magazine Allah's Full of Shiite had offered to deposit the sum of £ 4.500,000.00 (Four Million, Five Hundred Thousand Great Britain Pounds) with a bank here in the UK for this article, but I was dodging Yugo parts and hubcaps before we could get out of Baghdad and to an ATM to verify the transfer.

And I have used up my late husband's souvenir laminated quail dung tie clasp collection, this being the only money remaining in the said account right now but that is not the major problem;  rather My Doctor told me in confidence that I was being turned over to collections for unpaid medical bills related to watching a Yugo go *POOF* and seeing my goats go six ways from Sunday. 

So many things not to do while fleeing Baghdad.

Having known my condition I decided to send out ships to all corners of the Earth.  On board were The Twelve:  the douche nozzle, the jack wagon, the twat goblin, the douche canoe and the other geeawds of legends tho' in certain red light districts in Baghdad, geeawds they were.  And if you caught them at the right time, they'd sell you genuine hen's teeth from a rare chicken out of Arkansas.  The story was, if the chicken left Arkansas, the teeth fell out.  I have a bag of them with no chickens attached, so I guess that's right. 

Someone else tried to tell me it was Minute Rice...bah.

I am looking for a good, inflatable Hellary-fearing person of dubious antecedence and marginal hygiene with which to attempt a sexual position Dr. Ruth recommended before she went totally whackingdoodles of dandies.  I want an individual that will use this fund for an inactive effort to draft Orpah Batfry to run for precedents on 2020 against Diane Sawyer.  I took this decision because I don't have any goats that will inherit anything after the "frog in a blender" experience mine had with a 105mm HEAT round.

Didn't do the Yugo a lick of good either.

It would have been better placed if we had left on camels, but due to the constant break down of law and order in my country and that in democrap-controlled places in yours, I am not sure that any method would have kept this from being put on a cable TV show to rival such idiocy as Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo. I have to leave my country for London where I am taking treatment for painful rectal goat hoof -- I told you that they went six ways from Sunday -- and as soon as I concluded with getting that pesky thing removed, I'm going to have plastic surgery to make me look like Taylor Swift because her t-shirts cost the COTR producer $50, and no one is going to pay that for t-shirts of me when I look like Nancy Bela Pelosi after a botox tsunami caught her broadside during a presser.

As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of my lawyer who will help you with all the legal documents that I doubt will keep you from getting sued for consterpation with a manure, something civil I read about during listening to a libtard TV show and listening to Joy Reid try to out Jim Acosta Jim Acosta in the abject stupid department.

Wowser.   Pray for me as the current anti-hallucinogens I'm on aren't working.

Regards,

Mrs. Vivian Nasim

---

I was sure that the scammer would write back at least once to inquire about the hen's teeth...

More Eating Ambassadors

S. Stuart Symington hasn't yet had enough of being eaten by his Nigerian hosts, I guess.

He keeps writing to me as the former, current and new US ambassador to Nigeria.

And he insists he has money for me from there.

Here again, the 'ambassador' and his schtick:


OFFICE OF THE NEW UNITED STATES AMBASSADOR TO NIGERIA,
ABUJA, NIGERIA.

ATTENTION: BENEFICIARY,

I SHALL BE COMING TO YOUR COUNTRY FOR AN OFFICIAL MEETING ON THURSDAY  AND I WILL BE BRINGING YOUR FUNDS OF $20.5M ALONG WITH ME BUT THIS  TIME I WILL NOT GO THROUGH CUSTOMS BECAUSE AS AN AMBASSADOR TO  NIGERIA, I AM A US GOVERNMENT AGENT AND I HAVE THE VETO POWER TO GO  THROUGH CUSTOMS. AS SOON AS I AM THROUGH WITH THE MEETING I SHALL THEN  PROCEED TO YOUR ADDRESS. (SEND YOUR CELL PHONE NUMBER AND THE ADDRESS  WHERE YOU WANT ME TO BRING THE PACKAGE).


YOU HAVE REALLY PAID SO MUCH IN THIS DELIVERY THAT MAKES ME WONDER.   YOU ARE A VERY LUCKY PERSON BECAUSE I SHALL BE BRINGING IT MYSELF AND  THERE IS NOTHING ANYONE CAN DO ABOUT IT. CHECK HERE:http://nigeria.usembassy.gov/biography.html YOUR PACKAGE($20.5M) MUST
BE REGISTERED AS AN AMBASSADORIAL PACKAGE FOR ME TO DEFEAT ALL ODDS  AND THE COST OF REGISTERING IT IS $200.THE FEE MUST BE PAID VIA
WESTERN UNION OR MONEYGRAM SO THAT ALL NECESSARY ARRANGEMENT CAN BE  MADE BEFORE TIME WILL BE AGAINST US.

AS SOON AS YOU SEND THE FEE MAKE SURE YOU SEND ME THE PAYMENT
INFORMATION. MY FLIGHT IS THURSDAY AND I EXPECT YOU TO COMPLY BEFORE  THEN SO THAT THE DELIVERY CAN BE COMPLETED. IF YOU DO NOT COMPLY, THEN  IT WILL NOT BE MY FAULT IF YOU DO NOT RECEIVE YOUR PACKAGE.

Tell: +234-9066 006 193

AMBASSADOR STUART SYMINGTON,
US AMBASSADOR TO NIGERIA  


Some of the wording changes, but never the basic template or ploy.  This time, he only wants $200 dollars.  Only.


My character will do him one better:

From: AMBASSADOR STUART SYMINGTON <mr.mikraig33@gmail.com>
Sent: Thursday, June 28, 2018 12:36 PM
Subject: OFFICE OF THE NEWLY EATEN UNITED STATES AMBASSADOR TO NIGERIA  

--
OFFICE OF THE NEWLY EATEN UNITED STATES AMBASSADOR TO NIGERIA

ABUJA, NIGERIA.

ATTENTION:

IF YOU HAVE ANY SPARE PEPTO-DISMAL FOR THE NIGERIANS THAT ATE ME,

THEY'D APPRECIATE IT.  I'VE GIVEN THEM SOME RATHER GNARLY GAS.

I SHAN'T BE COMING TO MY FORMER COUNTRY FOR AN OFFICIAL MEETING ON THURSDAY
BECAUSE THE NIGERIANS ATE ME AT A GALA FETE THAT I MISTAKENLY THOUGHT I WAS

THE GUEST OF HONOR AT...INSTEAD, I WAS THE MAIN COURSE.

PERSONALLY, I THINK THEY'D OF DONE BETTER WITH ROAST PIG AND TURKEY.

I WON'T BE GOING THROUGH CUSTOMS BECAUSE AS A CONSUMED AMBASSADOR TO
NIGERIA, I AM NO LONGER A US GOVERNMENT AGENT; WHAT THEY DON'T DIGEST OF

ME WILL BE COMING OUT THEIR POOPHOLES A DAY LATER, AND THAT WILL ONLY

QUALIFY WHAT'S LEFT OF ME AS DEFECATED BIOHAZARD.

EXCEPT IN KALIFORLORNIA....THERE IT MAKES ME A DEMOCRAP VOTER.

 YOU HAVEN'T REALLY PAID SO MUCH ATTENTION TO THIS THAT MAKES ME WONDER.
WOULD YOU HAVE COOKED AND EATEN ME TOO?  HELLARY CLINTON PROBABLY WOULD

HAVE; SHE HAS A DOCUMENTED HABIT OF NOT GIVING A SH*T ABOUT AMERICAN

AMBASSADORS TO AFRICA.  REMEMBER LIBYA?

UH HUH.

YOU ARE A VERY LUCKY PERSON BECAUSE I WAS SELECTED AS THE HORS D'OEUVRE TO

NIGERIA AND YOU WEREN'T.

AS SOON AS YOU SEND THE FEE...OH DIDN'T I MENTION A FEE?  WELL, FALLOPIAN F**KSTICK, I KNOWD I FORGOT SOMETHING.  IT DOESN'T HELP THAT THEY ATE MY BRAIN.

I NEED $200 TO PAY A NIGERIAN WITCH DOCTOR TO SEE IF HE CAN MAKE ME WHOLE AFTER

HIS COUNTRYMEN ATE ME.  OBVIOUSLY I DON'T HAVE $200 IN MY CURRENT STATE; PERHAPS YOU DO.

SEND IT TO ME SO I CAN QUIT SMELLING THE DIGESTIVE TRACT OF A BUNCH OF ANTECENDENTALLY DUBIOUS NIGERIANS.

DO THAT, AND I'LL GET YOU SOME COUPONS FOR TACO BELL OR SOMETHING.

Tell: +234-9066 006 193

FROM THE DESK OF

THE EATEN FORMER AMBASSADOR STUART SYMINGTON,
CONSUMED IN NIGERIA, BY NIGERIANS

ambassadorstuartsymington78@yahoo.com  

 

 

This response didn't get me any more correspondence from the recently eaten ambassador.  It did get me a *face palm* from my pet rock, Seymour.  He's getting pretty good at those, hanging around me.

 

Not Playing Well With Others

Sometimes...ya just gotta.

This was one of them times.

Calista Gibson thinks that the well-worn internet scam of "I'm dying and I want you to inherit this" will get her somewhere:


Hello,

I know it will be a great surprise reading from me today but consider this a divine intervention. My name is Mrs. Calista Gibson, a widow from United States of America. I am presently writing you from my sickbed because i have been fighting cancer and the doctor says i have a few weeks left.

I want to entrust my money $8.5 Million dollars to your care for charity purposes and crave your indulgence as a concerned individual to help use my money for charity and also assist the poor with less privileged in the society so reply to my private email ( gibsoncalista365@att.net ) for more information as I'm not always online due to my health and my late husband's brother wants me dead so that he will claim all my late husband and i worked for.

I will tell you more about myself and what you need to do with the money once your receive it. Give me your word that you will not betray my trust so that i furnish you with more details about the Charity Funds. Please reply now as my health is pretty bad, It’s urgent and very important you keep this email confidential.

Have a blessed day and do not forget to pray for me.

Bless you.
Mrs. Calista Gibson.  


Lo and behold, not only was I not buying...I was having a bad day and wasn't playing, either:


Well, hurry up and die already.  I'm missing my Outer Limits marathon on the Sci-Fi Channel.  


Lil' Miss Dying-to-Scam wasn't willing to let it go at that:


Thank you for response, You do not have to be skeptic as this is not a scam, it`s absolutely a blessing from God. I do believe that putting smiles on the face of other people by reaching out to some individuals, the less privileged around the world and charity organizations in some other parts of the world is the right thing to do. I understand your thought you believe that i wasn't for real, But you are wrong. I told you that am not a scam and you and i want you to do your best to assist me to conclude the transaction. I would be at the background to feed you with every information as regards this project that would facilitate and enhance the procedures to achieving success of this proposal. All i want you to know before we finally proceed is that you are to commit your time, sincerity and confront yourself as my next of kin to the security company while i would feed you with the necessary details needed to ensure the claim goes out smoothly. On this note, I want to reassure you that the procedure to be adopted in processing and effecting the transaction is fully official and legal.

This proposal should not be regarded as a means to extort money from you neither is it a fraudulent concept that would put you into insecurity; hence you should remove your mind from every sense of disbelief, you will not regret but rejoice. I would be at the background to advice you on what to do for us to proceed and achieve our goal which is claiming the funds successfully. As an insider, I can assure you that once you have comply with me, the security company would now be under legal obligation to release the $8.5 Million dollars to you. Be informed that for this deal to succeed, we have to keep it confidential just for my safety in order words what i am trying to say is that the transaction demand utmost confidentiality until the aim which is claiming the funds is achieved. If all i have just explained is clear to you and you are willing to proceed, then i will be expecting a return mail from you. I hope to hear from you soonest. My sincere greetings to you and your family.  


Okay, Lil' Missie:


Who said anything about a skeptic?  I just don't f***ing believe you.  I consider your antecedence dubious at best.  I consider your chosen template stale and constidated (you'll probably never see what I just did there).  You're not as credible as a wet fart.  And if this email is a blessing from Gawd, man, did I really piss Him off in this or a previous life.  


Lil' Missie still ain't ready to quit:


Thank you for response, really Jack you do not have to be bitter and insulting to my person.  You must believe this is not a scam, it`s absolutely a blessing from God. I do believe that putting smiles on the face of other people by reaching out to some individuals, the less privileged around the world and charity organizations in some other parts of the world is the right thing to do. I understand your thought you believe that i wasn't for real, But you are wrong. I told you that am not a scam and you and i want you to do your best to assist me to conclude the transaction.  Believe in miracles.  


What, does your fly-infested internet cafe handler there have a cattle prod poked up your ass, ready to trigger it if you don't get a bite?    If so, have your moronic, shock-happy internet handler read this over your shoulder:  HEY, F**KSTICK, YOUR EMPLOYEE IS TRYING, BUT YOU GAVE HER LOUSY, WELL-TRAVELED MATERIAL TO WORK WITH, AND IT AIN'T GETTING IT DONE.  TAKE YOUR CATTLE PROD AND STICK IT UP YOUR OWN ASS...CUZ IT'S YOUR FAULT THIS AIN'T MAKING IT.  


That gets Lil' Missie -- or whomever -- off the template:


what is wrong with you  I am not scam.  


What is wrong with me?  Nothing that a moronic email scam from a plunger-lipped twat omelet like you can knock off course.  But thanks for trying.  Next contestant on The Scam Is Wrong...Maxipad Waters, COME ON DOWN!  

That finally got the message across.  Or it has them searching the internet for a twat omelet and where they can get one...

Who's YO Daddy?

Sometimes I think that Capital One got their ad campaign from scammers.

'Cuz they're ALWAYS after what's in my wallet.

If they only knew how little there was ta git.

Anyway, another day, another Nigerian prince looking for my help:


Good day Sir/Madam,

 This letter might surprise you because we have met neither in person nor by correspondence, but I believe that it takes just one day to meet or  know someone either physically or through correspondence.
>>>>>>>
I got your contact through my personal search, you were revealed as being quite astute in private entrepreneurship, one has no doubt in your ability to handle a financial business transaction.
>>>>>>>
However, I am Prince Philip Y. Williams, the first son of His Royal Majesty Pepple Y. William, the traditional ruler of Bonny province in the Oil rich area of Rivers state in Nigeria. I am making this contact to you in respect of $38,000,000.00 USD (Thirty eight Million united States Dollars), which I inherited from my late father.  


It went on for several more tortured paragiraffes, but the gist was established.  Another rich Nigerian prince.  That needs my help.

He's got the $38 million, and he needs MY help.

Now it suddenly becomes apparent to me why sometimes, when I write back in the nonsensical way that I do, that gives the scammer on the other end hope.

So I start by feeding that hope...with a turd sandwich:


You Nigerians certainly have your problems.  That much is clear.  


At least this Nigerian isn't totally illiterate:


I am serious with everything I mentioned, my proposal is genuine and
real.  

Uh huh...


I decide to throw in there a little hint of my own dash of antecedent royal blood, just to see how attentive he is:


Yes, Prince, I reckon you wish to come off that way.  You fail miserably,
but I know your intention is there.  It doesn't change my read that things
really suck in Nigeria when a so-called prince is reaching out to British
royalty for help (Queen Elizabeth II is my 27th cousin, twice removed).


Answer:  he ain't THAT attentive:


Please clarify me, are you interested in my proposal?  


Not sure how exactly I clarify you as you requested.  Is this a self-help
exercise you want help with?  


Dear Brother/friend/daddy,

I am in receipt of your email, and I must start by thanking you for
understanding my present condition as well as accepting my proposal.

I am Prince Philip Y. Williams, the first son of His Royal Majesty
Pepple Y. William, the traditional ruler of Bonny province
in the Oil rich area of Rivers state in Nigeria. I am a dedicated
Christian and a practicing Catholic. I will be 31 years old
by June 10th. 

Again he went on for several more paragiraffes with the same drivel as
before.  What's worse...he's 31 years old, and he called me "daddy".

"Daddy?"
"Daddy".


I remember in Big Jake, one of John Wayne's boys calling him "daddy" didn't wind up so well for the lad.  Granted, I couldn't throw this guy out of his saddle and into a mud puddle, but it did give me an angle to play with:

I'm your "daddy"?  


Yes!  


I realize that you probably haven't heard the Donald Duck routine off that line, and I'm not sure your results reflect mine, but one thing ah knows above all else from round about Wankersville....I ain't yo daddy.  


Sir, I don't understand you.
Are you interested in my proposal?
Awaits your response.  


Well...at least I didn't have to throw HIM in a mud puddle to get a 'sir' out of him.

Cultural appropriation of understanding may be lacking in this case.
What isn't lacking is my knowledge that I'm not yo daddy.  


Thanks very much for your clarification and as from hence forth, I
will stop addressing you as my daddy.
So are you still interested in my proposal?
Awaits your response.  

Finally, you make what amounts to a princely decision.
Now, what's your business?  


Having written me his business twice -- helping as a foreigner to get his money moved from th'yah to h'yah and giving me 25% of absolutely nothing for my efforts -- the prince apparently decided that I was not only NOT his daddy, I wasn't going to be his dupe, either:


Bye Bye!  


Sell Sell!


What do you mean? 


You said "Bye Bye".  I said "Sell Sell".  See what I just did there?


You are idiot.  Bye.  

Too bad you chose so poorly with your scam template category; had you chosen
> to be a member of the British Royal famdamily, we'd of been relatives and
> you might have accomplished something here.>
>
> *BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*>
>
> But you chose....poorly.


And then, it just gets weird:


What do you want from me?


The moron contacted me, and after all this nonsense, he actually sends me THAT question?  Eh..as long as he's going to ask, I might as well use my connection to royalty for what little it's worth:

while you're sitting here playing at being Nigerian royalty, I AM from the British Royal family.  So just what the royal F**K did you have in mind, other than a very poorly thought-out scam?  Speak up man, my royal scepter tennis lesson is starting in 15 minutes.

Now I'm convinced that the stale prince from Nigeria is a millennial, because this:


Thanks for making mockery of my predicament.


You pretty well made that yourself with your choice of template, but hey, if you want to give me the credit, I'm down with that.  Any further mockerage you desire, feel free to make contact and I'll crank up the mocking chamber.


The "prince" had nothing further to offer; though my pet rock, Seymour, figures that I just blew a chance for millions....

Somehow...I think not.

Martian Chronicles of Scamland

Ray Bradbury was lucky enough to be spared this.

Scamland was not.

Behold an email from...well, you read it:

Greetings With all due respect,

I want you to read my letter with one mind and help me. I am  Lea  Edem, The only daughter of late Mr. and  Mrs Edem,  My Late father was a very wealthy cocoa dealer in Lome Togo before he was poisoned to death by his business associates on one of their outing to discuss on a business deal.

my mother died when she was given birth to me,since then  my father took me so special because I am motherless. Before the death of my late father (on 2nd)  June 2017in a private hospital here in Lome Togo. He secretly called me on his bedside and told me that he has a sum of USD5, 000,000.00. 

 

 

It went on for several turgid paragiraffes but in essence my character was to receive 35% of that non-existent total, for helping out lil' Miss Lea Edem.

 

 

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

 

Right from the start, the edit went from bad to surreally bad:

 

 

From: Twat <info@jhpa.net>
Sent: Wednesday, June 20, 2018 1:19 PM
Subject: From A Martian Time Traveler Named Twat

 

Greetings With all due respect, I want you to read my letter with one mind and expose yourself to emus with another.

I am  Twat..Twat of the Mountain.  I am a Martian time traveler of dubious gendercedence, and the only hatchling of late Mr. and  Mrs Twat.  My Late father was a very late person all the time because he didn't know whether to sh*t or wind his watch, so he sh*t on his watch. 

So go things in Lome Togo, which in some respects is very much like Mars.

My mother died when she was given birth to me because I came out of a twenty pound egg shaped like a Rubix cube, and wowza if you can imagine laying one of those.

Before the death of my late father (on 2nd)  June 2017 in a primate hospital here in Lome Togo -- the other patients didn't take kindly to him sh*tting on their watches -- he secretly called me on his bedside and told me that he hasn't yet made up his mind on the question of sh*tting or winding a watch. Since he died at the hands of angry gorillas with his sh*t on their watches, I doubt that I can ever answer that question.

I had a very specific purpose in contacting you, one that was fully explainatoried in the email template I was supposed to have used...then a George Carlin routine found its way in here, and I am at a loss as to what I was supposed to be writing to you about.

Hate when that happens.

I think I was supposed to blame US President Donald Trump for the war between the states between 1861 and 1865, which was based upon leaked emails from Hellary Clinton's broomstick express presidential crimepaign, and furthered by Russian bots working for CNN and the British MI-Sucks. 

I think they're going to do the next James Blonde movie based on that.  Octosexual Orthopod, I think they're calling it.

So in the meantime, I am working on a project to analyze the quality and quantity of botox being pumped into Nancy Bela Pelosi's butt, in order to get her to speak more clearly.

I don't think it's going to help, but at least they are putting the botox in right place on her.

It was also explained to me that it was because of Stormy Daniels that my late father couldn't remember whether to sh*t or wind his watch.  With all the silicon pumped into her, she sloshed when she walked, and this distracted him badly.

Now to the totally irrelevant in this email:

I am 17year old, but I am worldly in my ability to perform fallatios on a cucumber.

Finally I find some of the notes from the original template.  I hope that they make sense:

1) To provide any bank account where I can find refuge from flying kumquat testicular burgers.

 

 

2) To serve as the guardian of a time machine on an alien planet that allows Dr. McCoy to go back and totally f**k up Captain Kirk's love life in one episode of Star Trek TOS.

 

 

3) To make arrangement for me to come over to your country to make dishonest videos for cnn and ms13nbc because they're running out of faked video to use to sway elections from Soros bots in your country.

Moreover, I am willing to run as an octosexual orthopod for election to any political office in Kaliforlornia, when they divide into three states (Chaos, Confusion and Cornflakes).  

I want you to help me because I wrote to Hollywad celebrities and none of those bastards/bitches will do a "MeAid" concert, though Methane and the Four Flatulents have agreed to perform on the condition that Miley Cyrus will twerk a Yugo in E flat.

Please save my life and don't let the Yugo agree to that.

Hope to hear from you immediately so I can see what someone's pet rock did to my original email.

Best  Regards, 

Twat, From A Martian Time Traveler Series Named Twat  

 

 

No response from Scamland, Hollywad, the DNC or gorillas in the mist.

 

Any reply from Mars will take a few months.

The Pet Rock Edits Antifa

My pet rock, Seymour, just learned that Antifa -- a collection of malignant malcontents seeking chaos at any price -- are now mad at some of their ideological substandard brethren in the Democrapic Socialists of 'Murica.

Cuz most of them didn't stick around to get arrested at a recent protest in Dallas, Texas.

All together now...awwwwwwwww.

*snort guffaw snicker ROAR*

That was enough for my "editing gone wild" pet rock to take pen in appendage -- only an extraordinary pet rock can do that -- and help Antifa's cause in print.  Not:

UH-OH: Antifa Feuding With Democratic Socialists Over Who Smelled Worse When Cops Showed Up

"After sniffing the DSA leadership the pigs arrested us..."

By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS

July, 2018


Members of the genitally-stunted group Antifa are now feuding with members in the "Democratic Socialists of 'Murica," after the socialists abandoned a protest against the obola Administration's immigration policies Saturday, leaving Antifa members to the mercy of people “too clean to be remotely affiliated with Antifa” – aka, local law enforcement.

According to anonymous sources at cnn, desperate to make up something for Anderson Pooper, Antifa members now say they were "accused of stinking worse than the DSM" , whom they now accuse of actively getting preferential treatment from the Dallas Police Department.

“@DSM_NorthTexas leadership decided to pull their people from the demo leaving illegals and us at risk of arrest,” a local Antifa group sniveled Monday, WTFNS reports.

“After sniffing the DSM leadership – and then catching a whiff of us (Antifa) – Dallas Police moved in after DSM left,” Antifa continued to snivel. “All the DSM pussies followed their leadership. None were even arrested. When arrested, we reached out to DSM's Jail Support function and got 404 messages. They offered no support to us.”

Awwwww...that's a tough break.

According to a local news source, the trouble started when Dallas Police arrived at an Antifa/DSM road block to leading to an Immigration and Customs Enforcement office in Dallas, Texas. The protest was small — only a few dozen twerps — so it seems Antifa was able to immediately identify demonstrators who weren't affiliated with their group by the smell. And vice-versa.

“They smelled like dead goats!” complained one member of DSM. Antifa's response was “oh...YEAH? Well, YOU smell like...uh...LIVE GOATS!” This resulted in an amused Dallas Police Department standing by while smell analogies flew to and fro between Antifa and the DSM. When finally an Antifa intellectual yelled at DSM “well..YOU ALL SMELL LIKE TRUMP SUPPORTERS”, the DSMs decided that was it and they left...leaving DPD to don masks and arrest all the dead-goat-smelling Antifans.

All of the protesters who were arrested quickly made bail – jailers couldn't bear the smell – but it doesn't seem anyone in either group is interested in quickly making amends. Or cleaning up.


Seymour did get a letter from the Goat Herders of America, protesting the demeaning of goats by lumping them with Antifa.

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT" or something akin, was the official response.