Russian Anna Tries A New Ploy

Russian Anna has tried several times to get "Jack" to send her money.

"Jack" keeps telling her to mount her yak and ride west from Kirov (where she claims to be) to the Moscow International Airport, and that she'll find something waiting for her at the Aeroflot desk.

Nothing.  But first she has to go there.

Anyway, Anna has been persistent.  Until finally her handlers apparently decided to try a somewhat new ploy I haven't yet seed from a scammer:  a threat.

Oh, I've seen plenty of threats in my direction.

No, Anna's trying to convince me that she's going to do herself in since "Jack" has forsaken her.

Read the pithy effort for yourself:


Hello pipe dream ... Please do not stop reading this letter. Read it to the end, please. That's the last thing I beg you. Over the last ... I never disturb their requests, in his own words ... and feelings ... I'll stop there for you and for others ... Trust me. As I believe you on that warm summer evening, that beautiful starry night ... "I opened your soul and you stomped it as a flower, blossomed on the road ..." I quote someone. Although perhaps not entirely accurate. I loved you, and you're playing with my feelings. I was your toy, and when I bored, you find a better toy and left me, left one with an avalanche of feelings ... I feel new and incomprehensible to me. Such as love and hate, hope and despair ... All these feelings are mixed, blended together ... But soon the hatred has passed ... The longest lived despair, shared the void in my heart with pain. Pain caused irreparable loss and betrayal. But now there was only emptiness ... Pain, like acid, all burnt out ... The soul was unable to feel. Therefore, the soul can not fill the emptiness ... nothing ...
    You may ask, why am I writing all this to you? I will answer. Because I want to, when I will not be, you know my feelings about the pain that you have caused me. Although, you do not understand, at least not until you experience such ... outraged honor and love ... But do not think, I do not wish you that ...
    And yet, I am writing to say goodbye. Say goodbye forever ... Goodbye ... I leave this cruel world. I'm going back to where it would be easier ... And I think that no one will remember and will not grieve for me ... Because I do not need you ... In spite of what you said before ... You showed it to his act. But I do not blame you. And not in this life ...
    Do not forget me. Remember me always. Remember, that's your fault one green-eyed blonde innocent girl left this world ...
    Live and Remember ...
You do have no idea how it is to live and to be faithful to the person to whom you are completely indifferent. You never count the tears of those that I have shed over your photography. You'll never understand what it means to fall asleep and wake up with your name on your mind. You know, I do not want you ever experienced what I am experiencing. It hurts too much, and I do not want you to get hurt because of my love. Without you, me and the day is not quite the day and the night was just another painful insomnia. The thread of my life was cut short at the moment, when I saw you for the first time. But you know, I do not regret Miguet, because then I had no meaning in life, and now he is. Every day I live in you, and that's why I can not forget you. I'm sorry, but I can not ... You can condemn me for what I do, but you should know, so it would be easier. But I would not do this just for myself, I do it for you. I beg you, forgive me if I did something wrong. Look, everyone's life is in his hands and in the hands of the people around them. And I messed up life with his own hands, not only themselves, but also to you and many other people. And for that, I beg your pardon. I love you so much. I do not want you to blame himself for what happened, you're not guilty, believe me, "But I did not, and that's why now I leave .... Do not judge me. Remember that I love you and will love you forever, no matter what. Farewell ...

    And another thing, I am sending you my last picture cheerful ...
    Now I am no longer holds nothing in this world ...
Now I drink a lot of pills and go to sleep forever.
            Farewell favorite ...
                          At your age, Anna  


Funny...in all her pictures, she was either brunette or black-haired, never blonde.  Oh well...she never could get that right, either.

Now I reckon that my character was supposed to react with horror at this email, and respond with all kinds of remedies to prevent Anna's claim to punching out the time clock of life.

*Yawn*

Still, my character was not without feeling:


Dearest Anna,
While I hope the pills you're going to drink are of high quality, and not from some knock-off rogue Russian lab that markets their crap as 'generic' the way Chernobyl is 'generic', I would like to suggest some alternative ways for you to go, if this is in fact what you really want to do.

Personally, you should mount a yak, naked, and ride west until the yak is high-centered in a snow drift.  Then you'd be a piece of ice sculpture.  At least until summer.

As for remembering you always, I hardly knew ye.  You sent me so many pictures of so many other women -- none of them green eyed blondes, BTW -- I don't know if you don't actually look more like this:

 

 

Or for that matter, this:

 

In any event, enjoy your chosen journey to wherever the hell it is you're trying to con me into buying that you're going.  I still think you're just headed for the Kirov Yak 'n Smack Bar 'n Grille for a little slap 'n tickle with Ivanov and his yak herd.

 

Sincerely...really...HONEST,

Jack

 

While there's been nothing further from Anna, I won't be surprised to get a 'resurrection' email...she really wants that $650 USD....

Bank This

And people think American bankers are crooked?

No doubt that there probably are some...but I never get a scam offer from any of them.

I get all the scam offers from 'bankers' overseas.

Like Ebrima Faal, aka Larry Morris, alleged South African 'banker'.

He probably cleans up livestock corrals after a herd of Sheila Jackson Lees have been through.

Here is a piece of his opening ploy:


On Tuesday, January 7, 2014 9:11 AM, Mr. Ebrima Faal <barristerlarrymorris@legalservices-gh.com> wrote:

Good Day Dear,

My name is Mr. Larry Morris, I am the Director head of auditing and accounting section African Development Bank Group South Africa (ADB BANK).  With due respect and regard, I have decided to contact you on a business transaction that will be very beneficial to both of us at the end. During our investigation and auditing in this bank, my department came across a very huge sum of (U.S$8.6 MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS). Belong to a deceased Customer was shot dead by four men in his farm at Rietfontein, Balfour South Africa in 2009.

I thereby contact you, to:
(1) Assist me in the transfer of the said fund into your account.
(2) Confirm your direct telephone and Fax for our communication.
(3) You most contact me through my private email address :(larrymo61@live.com)

 

Of course I didn't need to even notice that he started out with differing identities right off, to know what the intent was.

 

So I wrote back and asked him under which name he screws small animals.

 

My answer came back not from him, but from the email service:  the address he'd written from accepted the reply; the one he'd listed to respond to in the email, bounced.

 

Time for Plan B:

 

 

Good Day,


My name is Mr. Larry Morris.

Yes, I know at the top it says that my name is Ebrima Faal.  There is a reason

for that. 

It has to do with sexual fetishes and platypus.  But I digress.

I am directing a head in a movie about possessed plumbing and it is not going

so well.  I am feared that the head that I am trying to direct is developing a mind

of its own.  Coupled to the fact that until this project, I had no experience with

heads that had a flush feature.  I always found a convenient tree and used bark

to wipe with afterward.

Probably why I walk funny today.  But that's not why I'm writing.

With due respect and regard, I have decided to contact you on a business
transaction that will be very beneficial to both of us at the end.  No pun

intended, though I am not sure about that, because I am not sure what a pun

is.  If that was a " did you see what I just did there" moment, please tell me later.

While taking a break from trying to direct a head in an action movie -- yes,

really -- I have been doing a primate investigation of the bank I use

for my personal and primate accounts.  I find that my pet gibbon, Bobo, has

no sense for money.  He just craps on it.

Anyway, my investigation came across what I am told by Bobo is a very huge sum

of (U.S$8.6 MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS). I find that it belong to a
deceased Customer who was shooted dead at his farm at Rietfontein,
Balfour South Africa in 2012, by a crazed leftist democrat named Nancy Reid

Pelosi.  She was angry that he laugh about her botox.

Those lefty nuts do that, y'know.

 I thereby contact you, to:
(1) Assist me in figuring out how to make this movie about a head plausible.
(2) Confirm your direct telephone and Fax for our communication.
(3) You most contact me through my private email address :(larrymo61@live.com)


Please respond urgently through my private email.  (larrymo61@live.com


Yours sincerely

Mr. Larry Morris, Director of a movie about a head

OR

Ebrima Faal, acting as a member of
African Development Bank Group
339 Witch Doctor Hazel Avenue
Highveld Ext. 78
Centurion, South Africa

+27-842757029

A gazelle sodomizing member of the DNC. 

 

 

Beware of bankers bearing 'gifts'.  Especially if they have more than one name  ;-)

 

When The Pet Rock Edits...

Let's face it...some of us...oh hell...many of us have some relatives that we're not all that wild about.

But have you ever considered having those relatives EATEN ALIVE?

North Korea's Kim Jong Un has.

My pet rock, Seymour, happened upon the piece describing how the North Korean despot chose to dispose of his uncle and five of the uncle's aides.

Pretty gnarly by all accounts.

Especially so in the following account that my pet rock laboriously put together in his spare time, of which he has waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much.

"Do NOT!!!"

Anyway, please note that this should not be read over dinner, unless your dinner sucks:

Kim Jong Un fed his uncle to 120 starving Nancy Pelosi Look-alikes: report

They Do The Hokey Pokey 'n Twist This All Around News Soivice – 3 January 2014

Forget having to listen to Toure, Missy Perry or Ed Schultz dysenteric drivel on PMSNBC: North Korean leader Kim Jong Un executed his uncle and a handful of the man’s aides by feeding them to a horde of 120 starving Nancy Pelosi look-alikes, according to sources trying to put distance between them and the North Korean whackjob.


Jang Song Thaek – who refused to contribute to Hildebeest Clinton's addadictomy exploratory surgery slated for later in 2014 – was stripped naked and tossed into an arena filled with starving Nancy Pelosi look-alikes in the throes of leftist brain atrophy, along with his five closest aides.

“Then 120 of the ugriest women on the pranet that just happen to rook rike Nancy Perosi, starved for three days, were arrowed to prey on them untir arr gone. This is carred ‘quan yuk phuk Perosi’, or execution by many ugry Perosi,” according to the Times of Pyongyang. The daily relied on one of the now plump Pelosi that was willing to give a lurid account of the execution in a Beijing talking point memo that serves as a warning to anyone that takes ANY botoxed Pelosi for granted, said the official mouthpiece of China’s government.


“The entire feast rasted for an hour, with the Grand Pudge, the supreme reader in North Korea, supervising it arong with 300 of his senior officiars who arso served as maitre d',” the Times said in a piece allowed to be published Dec. 24, 2013, which explains where the former madam Speaker was during the Christmas holiday break from Congress. Two American national security officials contacted for comment said that there was truth to the rumor that Ben 'n Jerrys were considering a new ice cream flavor to mark the occasion.


American-based PETA – People Eating Tasty Animals – couldn't care less, so's long as decent chow wasn't wasted on the 120 starved Nancy Pelosi look-alikes that did the chowing down. The other PETA was pissed because this reporter talked to the satirically competing PETA first, and refused to show me the hot babe wearing nothing but asparagus. In the meantime, the DNC is hoping that a new video game showing Hildebeest competing with Nancy Pelosi in eating disgraced North Korean family members and their parts will score them some points with the low informationers who visit JibJab on their free iphones. 

 
The Times suggested that China’s government leaked the account of the December execution to signal its efforts to deflect attention from the Chinese restauranteur on South Park that runs “Sh***y Wok”.


The United States has labored to get a grip on what kind of leader Kim Jong Un will be, and now that he's shown that he's not above gathering 120 starving Nancy Pelosi look-alikes in an arena to eat his family and political discards, they are hoping that perhaps next the North Korean despot will use 120 or so starving Debbie Wasserman-Schultz look-alikes for his next “I No Rike These Reratives Either” Feast. 

My pet rock sincerely thinks he'll garner a Pulitzer for this one.  I think he'll be lucky if one of the leftovers in my 'fridge doesn't morph into a Pelosi look-alike, and attack him....      

The Proof That They Didn't Is In The Document

You gotta love scammers and their documents.

Yes, you really do.

Like their fraudulent checks and money orders, their documents are SO believable.

If you're the low information, dumbed down type, that is.

My character -- Jack N. Ewehoff -- is supposed to fill out this form to receive the transfer of $10 million USD, from the inherited account of Carian Funsho Fred, the scamstress of Togo who is allegedly dying of cancer of the scam template in the bucolic Benin Repugnant, located in the heart of Africa's Scamdom.

It was originally $2 million USD, until my character ridiculed the amount that Carian Funsho was trying to scam 'Jack' with.  Then she upped the pot $8 million USD and added 'Fred' to her last name.

Whatever.

So I contacted the 'bank' that 'Fred' urged me to, and this is the 'official document' I received back.

As I looked at and laughed over this document, I recall a Wall Street Journal article from earlier in '13 that revealed how law firms in the USA had lost millions to online scammers like these.

I'd make a note not to put any trust in a law firm that's that gullible.

At any rate...my character filled out and sent back this document.  He used account information given him by another scammer, acting with the belief that what good is scam bank info if one doesn't use it to tweak yet another scammer?

It's so nice of scammers to help me scambait their peers with their own info.

Having sent all that back to the 'bank', the 'bank' was prompt in letting me know that with my "information's well read", I had only now to pay a $5,000 fee to affect the transfer.

A fee of $5,000 sure affects the transfer, alright.

They concluded their reply with just the right phrase to get me over the $5,000 fee:  "You are welcome to our service!"


I reckon that my character IS welcome...long as he puts up $5,000.

*TOING* went that empty chamber located betwixt mine ears, as how to send them the 'fee' began to formulate in my mind.

But before we go there...when my character expressed a moment of *shock* at the $5,000 unaffordable hellth scam-like fee, the scam bank was quick to offer up their notion of a solution:

We have confirmed your information’s submit to our office, it’s necessary before your data can be stored in our Banking system as customer to attend, a consultation fee of $500 is need from you immediately since you are not ready yet with the reactivation fees of the account to enable us proceed this transaction. We advise you quickly send us the consultation fee of $500 through western union money transfer to the name of our accountant below.

Receiver name: MARK PHILIP

Receiver country: LOME TOGO

Text question: LOME

Text answer: TOGO

And scan us immediately the payment confirmations paper to enable us cash the fee fast and proceed to secure your data and wait on you to raise the activation fee.

Thanks and welcome to our service.  

 

 

Thanks for the expeditious discount, but if I'm gonna let you give me this business, the least I can do is to do it up right and front you the whole amount, rather than bits and pieces.  Patience is a virtue, unless you're a hospital, then patients is what you deal in.

 

 

While they ponder that, here's what I have in mind for their *fee*.  Either this:

 

 

or, if they're in to a bonus:

Which is quite a bonus for them.  At least, I think so.

Meanwhile back at the scamranch, ECOWAS says regarding my desire to do it all in one lump sum:

 

Dear customer,

We have confirmed your information’s submit to our office, it’s necessary before your data can be stored in our Banking system as customer to attend, a consultation fee of $500 is need from you immediately since you are not ready yet with the reactivation fees of the account to enable us proceed this transaction. We advise you quickly send us the consultation fee of $500 through western union money transfer to the name of our accountant below.

Receiver name: MARK PHILIP

Receiver country: LOME TOGO

Text question: LOME

Text answer: TOGO

And scan us immediately the payment confirmations paper to enable us cash the fee fast and proceed to secure your data and wait on you to raise the activation fee.

Thanks and welcome to our service. 

 

 

ECOWAS-ans, there'll be no half-assed for me.  I go all-assed or not at all.  If you could see me you'd see why.  I would prefer to send you the entire amount so as to have the process complete in one transfer.  That is my goal.  

 

 

Dear customer,

So quickly update us when you will be meeting up with the requested fee to enable us proceed fast.

Thanks. 

 

 

I should be able to send you what I'm sending you by Wednesday, my time. 

 

 

 

Dear customer,

Since you are sending the whole re-activation fee once by Wednesday, we advise you to send it directly to our Foreign Remittance Department on the below address.

Receiver full name:    CHINWIKE   DANIEL   UCHE

Receiver city and country:   LOME    TOGO

Text question:  LOME

Text answer:  TOGO

And scan us immediately the payment confirmations slip or list us the MTCN number and the sender name by email once you have succeeded transferring the fee of $5000 through western union to enable us receive the payment quick and proceed activating the account for further action in getting this transaction successfully to your provided Bank account.

You are once again welcome to our service!! ! ! !

The director of foreign remittance department.  

 

 

As the great American actor, Rachal Mancowbearpig said, "no problemo". 

 

 

Wednesday comes and wents, and I didn't gets around to sends nuffin'.  The ECOWANs and Marian Carrion take note:

 

 

Dear customer,

This is to inform you according to your previous update to us that by today been 08/01/2014 you will be transferring us the fees of $5000 for the reactivation of the account here to enable us proceed on this transaction. We are to alert you that we still wait to hear from you with the receiver information’s once you have successfully made the transfer through western union money transfer to enable us cash it and proceed fast to this transaction.

Thanks.  

 

 

And from herself:

 

 

How are you today? Please I have waited all yesterday to hear from you according to your promise that you will be resolving things with the Bank here yesterday till now no respond and the Bank has not yet reached me shows that you haven’t reached them as promised with the requested fee,
please is everything OK? Let me know because I have start getting worried about the silent since yesterday I expected to hear from you,and please for any urgent information's called the director himself on +22899100243 for clarification.

I shall be expecting to hear from you soonest.

Remain bless.
Mrs. Fred  

 

 

To them both goes this h'yah:

 

 

My dear ECOWAS-ans, the delay in the transfer of what I have prepared to send you has been but by a day.  Thursday should see your anticipations realized in a manure you'll know was destined.  As for Carrion, worry not my dying ember...today will be the 'day of days', since I have received the funds necessary to make this day the 'day of days', and you shall know, before you're unable to know anything more, that your plan for windows and organs has come to it's logical conclusion.  The money goes off today. 

After a bit of pondering, I decide on the technique with which to proceed:





And I include this:

Ms Carrion Funsho Fred, I thought your effort so inspired, I just knowd you'd appreciate I pay your friends with ECOWSASS a bonus.  And ECOWASS-ans, now Mama can afford those new meerkat pelt tampons you've been dying to give her for National Benin Day.  I mean, you DO have a made-up holiday like that, right?


From Ms Carrion Funsho Fred, I get about what I might have expected if I were talking to Ed Schultz:


I am not understand the meaning please?  


From ECOWSASS I get nothing further.  They get it.


So I take the time to reply to Carrion:


Well...what do YOU  think it means?  Tell me your interpretation, and
I'll let you know how close or far away from accurate  you are in that interpretation. 


And she actually does as I ask:


 Don't tell me all this follow up since all this while is a joke, how can you scan a copy of chocolate sweet or what will i call it and said is the payment slip. 


This is too much like shooting fish in a bucket:

Okay, I won't tell you that.  But if that's your interpretation, considering your background, education and what not, it's pretty good for you.  

 

As for how can I scan a copy of a chocolate sweet or what will you call it and say it is the bank payment slip, why that's easy enough to answer:  I scan it and I send it to the ECOWASS dummies and you as representative of the fee payment you were expecting.

And since it's more than you expected, you BOTH get a treat.  See how that works?  I treat you both equally.  Equality of outcome, I think they call it.  It isn't always possible in the real world, but in this one, it is.

That finally seemed to get the message across to 'Fred' that this was a dry hole to try to pump anything out of.

Though I think the kind of 'hole' Fred considers me at this point is something else..  ;-)

 

 

Ask And Ye Shall Sometimes Receive...

2013 ended on a confused note for my final scammer of the year, Carian Funsho.

She sent me one of those "hello, I'm dying, will you help me use my inheritance for windows and organs?" emails.  With a pithy inheritance of only $2 Million USD.

'She' is sooo out of the scam mainstream.

Here is our initial exchanges that would lead you to believe that there'd be no mores:


Subject: Re: My name is Carian,I have urgent issue to discus with you please quickly reply me on: (carianfunsho@yahoo.com) for more details thanks.  


Okay, I reply. 
What is ur urgent issue to discus?  


Hello Dearest,

My name is Mrs. Carian Funsho From Lome Togo,an aging widow suffering from long time Cancer sickness. I have some funds I inherited from my late husband, the sum of ($2.000.000.00) Two Million U.S Dollars, and I needed a very honest and God fearing person who will use this money for Charity work, I mean to help the poor and less privileged people in the society, This is my last wish Because my doctor declared recently that i might not survive this sickness, The world is meaningless to me right now, I grew up as an orphan and i don't have a child who will inherit this fund. You can take 30 percent of the money for your personal use and use the rest to help the poor masses and i will need those information’s of yours bellow.

YOUR FULL NAME-------------------
YOUR RESIDENTIAL ADDRESS
YOUR PHONE NUMBER----------------
YOUR OCCUPATION-----------------------
YOUR NATIONALITY-----------------
YOUR AGE------------------------

The above information will enable me to send a letter to the bank,This letter will allow them recognized you when you are acting on my behalf,Upon receiving this information i will send to you the contact of the bank so that you will contact them for the transfer. When I hear from you next I will link you up with my Bank immediately without any delay, for you to contact them for the transfer. My Dear Please trust in God Because I did not contact you by my power but by his Grace. Please remember me in your daily prayers as i will be under going the Heart operation soon. I’m waiting to hear from at my email address here(carianfunsho@yahoo.com)
Mrs. Carian Funsho  

Only $2 Million USD?  I am truly sorry, Ms Carrion, but such a pithy amount is of little use to me.  When you have at least $5 Million USD, please do feel free to contact me and I'll gladly help you.  Try to raise that sum before your cancer eats your vagina.

Jack   

 

 

sorry   

 

 

sorry because of your pithy amount?  No need to be...I just KNOW you can make it more.  Ask your handlers how.   

 

 

I am such a sheet.  

 

At any rate, perhaps she thought a new years greeting would grease the wheels some:

 

 

  We are welcome to the   year 2014, year of unlimited breakthrough.
H-N-Y   dear.  

 

 

 and what is H-N-Y
  dear
all about?   

 

 

(and now we start all over again)

 

 

 My name is Carian,I have urgent issue to discus with you
please quickly reply me on: (carianfunsho@yahoo.com) for more details
thanks.  

 

 

Of course it  is.  Now...what is your urgent issue to discus?  

 

 

My name is Mrs. Carian Funsho From Lome Togo,an aging widow suffering from long time Cancer sickness. I have some funds I inherited from my late husband, the sum of ($10.000.000.00) Ten Million U.S Dollars, and I needed a very honest and God fearing person who will use this money for Charity work, I mean to help the poor and less privileged people in the society, This is my last wish Because my doctor declared recently that i might not survive this sickness, The world is meaningless to me right now, I grew up as an orphan and i don't have a child who will inherit this fund. You can take 30 percent of the money for your personal use and use the rest to help the poor masses and i will need those information’s of yours bellow.   

 

 

Whaddaya know...she really DID ask her handlers how.  And doubled down on my suggestion.

 

 

Atta girl!  I am so glad you read my previous email and got the amount up to a respectable amount for me to deal with.  Now THAT'S asking your handlers how.  So now you can gibts me da business. 

 

 

thank you  now will u help?   

 

 

But and of COURSE I will!  How can I not?  Let's start with your original email, remembering to adjust it for your new inheritance amount, and here is where I think I can truly help you (and from here I go on to edit her original email, making sure to include the adjustment):

 

My name is Mrs. Carrion Fungduk from Lome Togo, a suburb of Deadtroit that reminds me of living in Sudan before I moved to some place even more desolate.  You'd never guess it to see me -- the cosmetic department here does wonders before I do my douche commercials for The Nigerian Scam Channel on A&E -- but this week I am playing an aging widow suffering from long time Cancer sickness. All I have to do to put myself in the right frame of mind to make this believable is act like I just tried to sign up for that new government-run-in-the-ditch hellthscare system the Left is pushing in America. 

Our witch doctors back home are more effective.

How it works is I claim to have some funds I inherited from my late husband, the sum of ($2.000.000.00) Two Million U.S Dollars; it's actually a stash of stolen welfare EBT cards I ripped off by claiming to be 19 different democrat low information voters with 97 dependents, and they not only gibbed them to me, they registered me to vote 4,000 times in 2012. 

So if you can appreciate irony and abject leftist hypocrisy, I need a very honest and God fearing person who will believe this crap and think that they're gonna get access to $2 Million USD, which I am directly them to use for charity work, I mean to help the poor and less privileged people in the society.  I kill me sometimes with how full of crap I am.

Unfortunately, some schmuck has pointed outs to me that $2 Million USD is not attractive enough to some of you greedy, mean-spirited, opportunistic Western bastards...so I just found me mores, and now I gots me $10 Million USDs to entice your ass with.

Hooha.

Now, you must believes that this is my last wish because my Soeterodoesn'tcare doctor -- until last week he was a de-certified lawyer at Hahvahd -- declared recently that I might not survive this season's rating plunge of our show, which until last week was rated higher than PMSNBC.  Then again, a garlic-n-onion popcorn fart is rated higher than PMSNBC.  At any rate, with our ratings falling faster than A&E backtracking on Duck Dynasty, the real world is meaningless to me right now.  I grew up a meth-addicted low information Occupy My Parents Basement drum circle instructor, and I have no skills save those of a welfare cheat and scammer.

In other words, I'm a good democrat.

So here's the deal I'm lying like a cheap rug about, which is okay if you buy it, and if you don't I'll tell the ACLU and Jesse Jackson that you're racist:  You can take 30 percent of the money for your personal use -- 30% of nothing is...uh...um...ah...oh Hillary crap, I'm low information so math's too hard for me -- anyway, just take my worthless word that you get 30%, and you get to use the rest of nothing for to help the poor masses get...nothing.  

I will be need those information’s of yours bellow.

YOUR FULL NAME-------------------
YOUR RESIDENTIAL ADDRESS
YOUR PHONE NUMBER----------------
YOUR OCCUPATION-----------------------
YOUR NATIONALITY-----------------
YOUR AGE------------------------

YOUR BANK ACCOUNT ACCESS, CREDIT CARDS, YOUR VIRGIN DAUGHTER, AND A DOZEN CARTONS OF TWINKIES.


The above information will enable me to drain your fiscal assets and replace them with...nothing, 'cuz you owe me because I'm low information and you're not.  Haha.  Welcome to Soetero's wealthy redistribution rip-off.  How I love being on his side of hoax and change.

My Dear Please trust in me on this because if you don't fall for this crap my handler will make me the next practice dummy for the Knock Out game on A&E.  Their ratings suck too.  Why can't they cancel Duck Dynasty so we can get some ratings?  Because we suck?  How DARE you tell us the truth!

Anyway, please let me know you're gullbile by respond to my email address here(carianfunsho@yahoo.com)
Mrs. Carrion Fungduk   

 

 

Neither she, her handlers or both, didn't bother to read the edit.  Instead, they sent me the bank of theirs to contact via email.  Which I did.  And in the next post, you'll get a load of the 'official' document I got from ECOWAS Bank, Togo.

 

 

It's Califorlornia, So ANYTHING RIDICULOUS Is Possible

Don't blame me.  I didn't vote for either one.

At any rate, I can conclude that my latest scammer is a low information democrat.  Probably from Califorlornia.

Oh yes, I can.  Even if I know the scammer probably really isn't from Califorlornia.  But since they chose to use Califorlornia in their scam, that's my conclusion and I'm sticking to it.

Here's the scammer's ploy:


Dear Colleagues,

You are cordially invited to participate in the forth-coming conference / California Human Welfare Foundation (CHWF) Against Economic Crisis, Prostitution, Human Trafficking and child abuse,is scheduled to take place from January 28th – 31th, 2014 at the Disneyland & Convention Center in Disney USA Los Angeles California. and from February 03rd-07th, 2014 at Saint-Louis Conference Center Saint-Louis in Senegal,West -Africa. The California Human Welfare Foundation Against Economic Crisis, Prostitution, Human Trafficking and child abuse, conference is being Organized and sponsored by the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, The William J. Clinton Foundation and other benevolent donors worldwide.

Note that all interested delegates that requires entry visa to enter the United States to attend this meeting will be assisted by the organization, in obtaining  the visa in their passport. Free air round trip tickets to attend this meeting will be provided to all participants. The Workshop welcomes paper presentation from any interested participants willing to present papers during the meeting.

For registration information you are to contact the conference secretariat via Email: (chwf.org@chwforg.zyro.com)

Please share the information with your colleagues.

Sincerely,
Mrs Marie Lofton
E-mail:(marie1379@aol.com)
Member organizing committee
International Conference on California Human Welfare Foundation  


It didn't take me long to edit this one:


Dear low informationers,

You are cordially invited to participate in the fifth-drinking conference / Califorlornia Human Dependency Creation Foundation (CHDCF) To Increase Economic Crisis, Prostitution, Human Trafficking and Abortion (because we lefties lurves us chirruns so much we aborts 'em), is scheduled to take place from January 31th – 33th, 2014 at the Dizzyland & CONvention Center in Dizzy USA Los Angeles California. and from February 28-31th, 2014 at Saint-Fallopian Tubing Exhibition Center in Senegal,West Africa, where it is legal for us to eat attendees. The wagonload of crap we're calling a CONference is being Organized and sponsored by the Chief Ukulele Ungabunga Boo  Foundation, The Billary Can't Remember Sh** Foundation and other malignant foundations that we in West Africa make up on a daily basis, though we understand the DNC in DC likes and adopts a lot of what we make up.

Note that all interested delegates that requires entry visa to enter the United States to attend this meeting will be assisted in lightening their wallets by the organization, without any promise of anything substantive in return.  That's how we works.  Uh huh.  Free air round trip tickets to attend this meeting are believed in by people who believe the soeterodoesn'tcare hellthscare plan actually gives a sh** about healthcare; the rest of you will get fleeced.  So will the former, but because they're low informationers, we doubt that they'll notice.  The Workshop welcomes paper presentation from any interested participants willing to present papers during the meeting, because we are chronically short of toilet paper...at least amongst those few of us what know what it's for.  The rest use their hands, someone's nearby robes or tree bark.

For registration information you are to contact the conference secretariat via Email: (chwf.org@chwforg.zyro.com)

Please share the information with your colleagues, but you can't laugh at us, or we'll run sniveling to the DNC about you.

Sincerely,
Mrs Marie Lofton
E-mail:(marie1379@aol.com)
Member organizing committee
International CONference on Califorlornia Human Dependency Creation Foundation  


From the seventy-five or so scammers I shot this back to, one sent me 'blank' reply.  Which tells me the CONference is going over as well as soeterodoesn'tcare online sign ups in Oregon.

Rappi Yapi Whittles A Wang

I reckon that's not what the directions meant. 

Mebbe.

I also reckon the directions I followed from Samson Yapi, Ivory Coast scammer, weren't interpreted in the manure he had in mind, either.

It all started on September 17, 2013.  Ol' Yapi sent me an email with the title "Reply me immediately when you read this email okay?".

So the email sat, chilling in my email inbox sink -- without a remote or beer -- until November 21, when I finally responded with "is this immediate enough?".

Shore 'nuff:


Yes is immediate enough.

I thank you for your urgent response for mail of assistance to you and your willing to assist me.I  attached with this mail, my picture for you to see me and know me and I want you to send me yours in your reply mail too.

I am Samson Yapi, the only surviving child of late Mr & Mrs Desire Asségnini Yapi,The former Interior minister in Laurent Gbagbo’s government,I am 17 years old young man,please do not betray me after trusting you.My late parents,Mr & Mrs Desire Asségnini Yapi, died of shrapnel wounds sustained when members of the Republican Forces stormed the presidential palace to arrest Mr.Gbagbo on April 12, 2011.You can find out this on the web page Ivory Coast arrest of the former president Laurent Gbagbo http://www.afriqueavenir.org/en/2011/04/13/gbagbo-minister-dies-from-shrapne l-wounds/.  He was the acting Minister of Interior in the government that was formed following that agreement before his appointment in the aftermath of the 28 November post election crisis as the general secretary of the presidency.
 
I really need your assistance on the below list.

1)To receive my inheritance in your country (us$5.5million).
2) To serve as my guardian while I go back to school.
3) To make arrangement for me to come over to your country to further my education immediately my inheritance is transferred to your account in your country.
4) To help me invest part of the inheritance in a profitable ventures while I go back to school. 


That was pretty just the gist of it. 

Yapi forgot, as promised above, to send me a photo of him.  And in my immediately two months plus late reply, I forgot to reciprocate.  But in a follow up, I sent him the picture above.

I reckon that, coupled with the edited response I sent back to him and a few of his peers and colleagues, this put a chill on further communications with Yapi:

Yes is the loneliest number that you'll ever do.  So said Three Dawg Blight, as I recalls.

I gives thanks you for your urgent response for a turkey already buttstuffed and ready to have twerk with.  I  attached with this mail, my picture for you to see me and know me and I want you to send me yours in your reply mail too.

I am Samson Yapi, the only surviving butt polyp of late Mr & Mrs Desire Asségnini Yapi, the former booking manager for the 60s musical group, Painful Rectal Itch.  I am 17 years old young man when I inherit this job from my lates, which is probably why Painful Rectal Itch is more a malady than a well-knowd musical grope on the neuralgia circuit court of appeals.  please do not betray me to Mick Jagger after trusting you. 

 

The San freakcisco garbage band Painful Rectal Itch died of throwing a hot transformer into the hot tub that they were all sharing with Cher at the time; Cher survived it after about 500 plastic surgicals that left her talking like she does today.  You can find out this on the web page Ivory Soap Has No Idea What You're Looking Up Here.  He was the acting coach to the world's greatest actor, Arec Bardwin, until the movie Team America:  World Police exposed both him and Bardwin as total douche nozzle suckasses.
  
I really need your assistance on the below list.

1) To send me new bedding covers; I wet mine.
2) To serve borscht to my yak herd.
3) To make arrangement for me to have sex with a manatee named Yolanda over in your country while it is filmed to go with Miley Cyrus next twerking video, I Am The Vaginal Walrus.
4) To help me have incest with a family of beavers I intend to adapt while I go back to school to become a phlabotomist.

I need your address,full names and contact numbers to submit to soeterodoesn'tcare, because I get paid commission for everyones I sign up, and I don't wants to give them mine, because it sucks.  This I hope you find is okay until you find too late that it's not.

As I said in my first mail, the constipated mathematician worked it out with a pencil, and if this is okay with you, make sure the pencil you use is a number 2.  If you understand the first part, you understand what I just did there, huh?

 

 Remain blessed, 'cuz you'll need it when soeterodoesn'tcare loots your personal information and bank accounts.

Samson Yapi
+22542818155

Samson Yapi <samsonyapi01@yahoo.fr>

After the photo and edit, Samson decided I was too late after all  ;-)

 

No Balls

See what kind of reaction that statement drew from a sorta-famous (at one time) chick?

Well mebbe it did.

Nannyists, trying to level the playing field -- figuratively and literally -- will go to any extent to replace reality with fantasy.

And if that requires no balls, they're all for it.

And to highlight absurdity with more of the same, some folks love to write satire poking fun at political correctness. 

Like this piece about a soccer league in Ontario from September '12:

To ensure every child 'wins', Ontario athletic association removes ball from soccer  

With the growing concern over the effects of competition in youth sports programs this summer, many Canadian soccer associations eliminated the concept of keeping score. The Soccer Association of Midlake, Ontario, however, has taken this idea one step further, and have completely removed the ball from all youth soccer games and practices. 

    

According to Association spokesperson, Helen Dabney-Coyle, "By removing the ball, it's absolutely impossible to say 'this team won' and 'this team lost' or 'this child is better at soccer than that child.'"

"We want our children to grow up learning that sport is not about competition, rather it's about using your imagination. If you imagine you're good at soccer, then, you are."

Absurd.  Then again, using absurdity to make fun of absurd political correctness seems fair to me.
 

I'll bet Grog, above, wishes he'd known about 'no ball' soccer about a kick ago.

Apparently, the practice of removing balls -- satirically and not -- doesn't end with soccer in Ontario.  US House Speaker John Boehner seems to agree that going ball-less is good:

And whoever got his doesn't seem to know what to make of them:

Of course, I must acknowledge that my pet rock, Seymour, contributed ideas and suggestions to this post, including the last photo used.

"Did NOT!!!"
 

Russian Anna Takes Another Shot At The Banana

Remember Anna, my Russian bride scamstress?  The one that quit communicating with me after my particularly unromantic response to her schtick?

Well, she gets points for persistence...she's back.  And writing just as much drivel as heretofore.

Now she's trying to convince me that if I send her $650, she can come to me, instead of me going to her.

Now...for those of you who travel internationally, how many of you can get from Kirov -- wherever the hell it is -- to Moscow, and then fly from Moscow to Denver, and on only $650?

Even my pet rock, Seymour, was giving *eye rolls* and *face palms*...and it ain't so easy for a pet rock.

"Is TOO!!!"

Anyway, Anna resumed her drivel, and then got down to the ratski killing with this concise email:


Hello my sweetheart!!!!! Hello my husband!!!!
If I send you a  my photo visa , then you can help with the air ticket?? Anna 


How else could my character, Jack N. Ewehoff respond, but with a tongue-in-cheek affirmation:


Of course I can.  You send me your photo visa, and I'll help you with your ticket.  


Anna's always had a thing for the amount of $650 USD.  That's what she insists I need to send her for her to either (a) arrange travel for me to Kirov, via Denver to NYC to probably London to I guess Moscow, and then take a train 14 hours followed by a cab for 8 hours to eventually find her OR (b) send her the same amount so that she can travel in reverse, to meet my character here.

Uh huh.

The commonality here is that I need to send her $650 USD.

Well, after telling her 'yes', she followed up and sent me her 'visa' and a copy of her passport:

Along with those items -- to prove her authenticity -- she sent me this alluring picture of her:

I won't bother to go into how the belly button tat and left shoulder tat don't match OTHER pictures of Anna with differing tats, missing tats, no tats, etc...but I'm sure that Anna was sure that this picture, along with the two for authenticity, would be the deal-maker.

And it was...n't.

But I did decide to show Anna that I was trying (and for those who know me, you know just how trying I can be)...so I decided to write directly to Aeroflot, and send them Anna's visa and the 'money' to buy her $650 ticket:

Yup...the same 'money' that I sent Anna.

At any rate, here's the email that I sent to Aeroflot, copying Anna as well:

Dear Aeroflot:

I have the dubious honor to be Jack N. Ewehoff, decadent western capitalist.  ‘Tis a pleasure to have email speaks with you.

 

 

One of your countrypersons has apparently set her sights upon me as her future babushka(or likely as a big Western dumbasski she intends to scam); in a paraphrasing of her words of dubious antesyntax, I am the light of her life, the apple in her ear, the das in her vadanya, the Sevasto with a pol…you I think get the picture.  This little steppes blossom is none other than Anna Ivanova – I’m sure you have a few hundred thousand such of that name thereabouts – though in this case she may actually be Boris Badenov.  Sadly I can’t say for sure; moose ‘n squirrel have not as yet responded to my email inquiries in this regard, and I digress.

 

 

At any rate, she lives (she says) in Kirov.  Not being familiar with Eurasian geographicalities, I am not sure where this is.  In the novel Red Storm Rising, it was a cruiser that was sunk by a Norwegian diesel boat, but somehow I’m not sure that this correlation has any.  What my future ex-Chernobyl equivalent has told me is that in order for her to get to Moscow – and this would be where you seemingly come in to the pictureski – she will have to travel 8 hours by yak and then 14 more hours on a train that tends to run a boiler short of a maker.     

               

 

Then and only then can she get on one of your big old jet aeroflotters.  Please suggest to her when/if such is the case that she get IN the plane and not on it.  A simple but important point once raised by the late George Carlin, though not late because he didn’t heed this advice.

 

 

Now you will note that I have attached what she says is a copy of her passport/visa thing; it might even be her picture, assuming she’s not Boris Badenov.  If she turns out to be he, no amount of vodka and barlighting will bring me to within 100 kilometers of whatever airport loses her/his luggage.

 

 

Bottom line of this missive:  Anna tells me that she only needs $650 USD to travel from a sunken cruiser to join me in eventual divorce court in my what-a-country, aka the US of A.  She did specify that I use USDs and not barney rubles, so I gather that USDs are more everywhere one wants to be there than barney rubles are.  At any rate, the ticket that will ultimately lead to the loss of her luggage will be paid for in a version of USDs. 

 

 

I was going to say that if you printed your luggage claim checks in English instead of Cyrillic, those folks in Deadtroit wouldn’t lose the luggage.  Then I remembered that they’re no better with English.  Silly me.

 

 

Anyway, to pay for Anna/Boris’s ticket I have attached one (1) inauthentic new-fangled $100 bill purportedly straight from what passes for the Fauxderal Reserve in Pyongyang, North Korea (Kim Yung Un, Proprietor & current tyrunt).  Like your Marxist brethren in Pyongyang do, just print as many copies of it as you need and exchange them with your local bank for as many barney rubles as the market will bear.

 

 

I don’t suppose you see what I just did there…

 

 

I will appreciate your expedience in this matter as soon as your translator finishes telling you the Russian equivalent of “WTF-ski?”.  And I have no doubt that Anna – or Boris, whatever the case proves to be, since she’s sent me pictures of five different women she says are her – will be forever etched in your travel advisory dossiers.

 

 

Have a splendidly Russian day!

Sincerely…really…HONEST,

Jack N. Ewehoff

Decadent Western Capitalist ‘n all-around irritant to email scammers regardless of geographicality

 

 

I got a very quick 'thank you!' note from Anna -- I reckon before she read what I sent Aeroflot -- and I got a rapid reply from Aeroflot.  And I learned something:  they have autoresponse emails and vacation notifications, too:

 

 

В связи с моим отсутствием в период с 18 по 29 ноября 2013 года по срочным вопросам прошу обращаться к Анастасии Якушевой по адресу ayakusheva@aeroflot.ru

 

С уважением,

Анастасия Шальнова

 

Dear Sender,

 

I will be out of office with limited access to my mail box starting from 18 November and will not return until 02 December. In case of urgency please address to Anastasia Yakusheva at ayakusheva@aeroflot.ru

 

Best regards,

Anastasia Shalnova 

 

 

Since I didn't consider things to be of 'urgency', I didn't bother the Aeroflot alternate. 

Anna was curiously quiet after this; perhaps stunned at the expediency shown by her future husband.  Though I kinda doubt it.  So I sent her quaint little emails of encouragement.  Like:

Let me know when you've started your journey from Kirov via yak to Moscow, darling.  I want to track your progress like a UPS package.

Love,

Jack 

 

 

Even more endearing was this one:

 

 

And if you can let me know a few hours in advance of your starting out from Kirov on yak-back, I can arrange for you to receive in-ride snacks and beverages, courtesy of Aeroflot.  They can do that.  Granted, the peanuts might be stale leftovers from Eastern Airlines, but still...it's something to knaw on to take your mind off the fact you'll be 8 hours on the back of a plodding yak.

Love,

Jack  

 

 

And of course this one:

 

 

Anna my darling, you'll have to let me know how the yak was when you arrive to catch the train.  I mean, the rental company assured me that you'd have a guaranteed smooth ride or my money back.  Did your yak provide you with (a) working environmental controls for a comfortable interior in any weather (b) smooth handling with the rack 'n ribeye steering (c) stylish Cossack seating and the (d) abundance of cup holders?  I ordered only the best for you.

Love, Jack  

 

 

I don't know if Anna ever heard of the Coasters, but I'll reckon she'd like to hit me with one of their signature lines as I keep it up:

Y'know, it just occurred to me...when you get here, you'll be the only person I've ever knowd who was yak certified.  Since I'll never be too old to learn, can you teach me how to parallel park one?

Love, Jack 


I even show her my decadent western capitalist side:
 

 

The more I think about this yak thing you're doing, the more opportunity I see, Anna:  we can open up a yak driving certification business, right here in Denver.  Yes!  I'll run the business, and you can be the instructor!  We'll make MILLIONS! 

 

Get a butt massage when you get to the train and use the 14 hours to work on a training manual, honey.

Love, Jack 


Finally -- since nothing else is getting a rise out of Anna/Boris -- I throw in some Gooble Translate:

Gee, Anna, you could have gone to the airport outside Kirov and saved yourself 8 hours of yak and 14 hours of train and flied straight to Moscow.  Aeroflot would have been happy to serve you stale nuts from Eastern Airlines.  However, if you hadn't been so willing to sacrifice for me, we wouldn't have the business idea that your yak ride has created!  You are such a good little секс-рабыней.

Имейте отличную поездку, вы Славянский секс-рабыней!

Love, Jack 

 

 

So it appears that the saga of Anna-Banana/Boris has concluded, without Anna (see balance) receiving her $650 USD.  While I am satisfied with the outcome...I do find a sort of void in my life, now that all those other women Anna was claiming to be will no longer be shedding their clothes in my email...