Sunday, January 5, 2014

Russian Anna Takes Another Shot At The Banana

Remember Anna, my Russian bride scamstress?  The one that quit communicating with me after my particularly unromantic response to her schtick?

Well, she gets points for persistence...she's back.  And writing just as much drivel as heretofore.

Now she's trying to convince me that if I send her $650, she can come to me, instead of me going to her.

Now...for those of you who travel internationally, how many of you can get from Kirov -- wherever the hell it is -- to Moscow, and then fly from Moscow to Denver, and on only $650?

Even my pet rock, Seymour, was giving *eye rolls* and *face palms*...and it ain't so easy for a pet rock.

"Is TOO!!!"

Anyway, Anna resumed her drivel, and then got down to the ratski killing with this concise email:

Hello my sweetheart!!!!! Hello my husband!!!!
If I send you a  my photo visa , then you can help with the air ticket?? Anna 

How else could my character, Jack N. Ewehoff respond, but with a tongue-in-cheek affirmation:

Of course I can.  You send me your photo visa, and I'll help you with your ticket.  

Anna's always had a thing for the amount of $650 USD.  That's what she insists I need to send her for her to either (a) arrange travel for me to Kirov, via Denver to NYC to probably London to I guess Moscow, and then take a train 14 hours followed by a cab for 8 hours to eventually find her OR (b) send her the same amount so that she can travel in reverse, to meet my character here.

Uh huh.

The commonality here is that I need to send her $650 USD.

Well, after telling her 'yes', she followed up and sent me her 'visa' and a copy of her passport:

Along with those items -- to prove her authenticity -- she sent me this alluring picture of her:

I won't bother to go into how the belly button tat and left shoulder tat don't match OTHER pictures of Anna with differing tats, missing tats, no tats, etc...but I'm sure that Anna was sure that this picture, along with the two for authenticity, would be the deal-maker.

And it was...n't.

But I did decide to show Anna that I was trying (and for those who know me, you know just how trying I can be) I decided to write directly to Aeroflot, and send them Anna's visa and the 'money' to buy her $650 ticket:

Yup...the same 'money' that I sent Anna.

At any rate, here's the email that I sent to Aeroflot, copying Anna as well:

Dear Aeroflot:
I have the dubious honor to be Jack N. Ewehoff, decadent western capitalist.  ‘Tis a pleasure to have email speaks with you.
One of your countrypersons has apparently set her sights upon me as her future babushka(or likely as a big Western dumbasski she intends to scam); in a paraphrasing of her words of dubious antesyntax, I am the light of her life, the apple in her ear, the das in her vadanya, the Sevasto with a pol…you I think get the picture.  This little steppes blossom is none other than Anna Ivanova – I’m sure you have a few hundred thousand such of that name thereabouts – though in this case she may actually be Boris Badenov.  Sadly I can’t say for sure; moose ‘n squirrel have not as yet responded to my email inquiries in this regard, and I digress.
At any rate, she lives (she says) in Kirov.  Not being familiar with Eurasian geographicalities, I am not sure where this is.  In the novel Red Storm Rising, it was a cruiser that was sunk by a Norwegian diesel boat, but somehow I’m not sure that this correlation has any.  What my future ex-Chernobyl equivalent has told me is that in order for her to get to Moscow – and this would be where you seemingly come in to the pictureski – she will have to travel 8 hours by yak and then 14 more hours on a train that tends to run a boiler short of a maker.     
Then and only then can she get on one of your big old jet aeroflotters.  Please suggest to her when/if such is the case that she get IN the plane and not on it.  A simple but important point once raised by the late George Carlin, though not late because he didn’t heed this advice.
Now you will note that I have attached what she says is a copy of her passport/visa thing; it might even be her picture, assuming she’s not Boris Badenov.  If she turns out to be he, no amount of vodka and barlighting will bring me to within 100 kilometers of whatever airport loses her/his luggage.
Bottom line of this missive:  Anna tells me that she only needs $650 USD to travel from a sunken cruiser to join me in eventual divorce court in my what-a-country, aka the US of A.  She did specify that I use USDs and not barney rubles, so I gather that USDs are more everywhere one wants to be there than barney rubles are.  At any rate, the ticket that will ultimately lead to the loss of her luggage will be paid for in a version of USDs. 
I was going to say that if you printed your luggage claim checks in English instead of Cyrillic, those folks in Deadtroit wouldn’t lose the luggage.  Then I remembered that they’re no better with English.  Silly me.
Anyway, to pay for Anna/Boris’s ticket I have attached one (1) inauthentic new-fangled $100 bill purportedly straight from what passes for the Fauxderal Reserve in Pyongyang, North Korea (Kim Yung Un, Proprietor & current tyrunt).  Like your Marxist brethren in Pyongyang do, just print as many copies of it as you need and exchange them with your local bank for as many barney rubles as the market will bear.
I don’t suppose you see what I just did there…
I will appreciate your expedience in this matter as soon as your translator finishes telling you the Russian equivalent of “WTF-ski?”.  And I have no doubt that Anna – or Boris, whatever the case proves to be, since she’s sent me pictures of five different women she says are her – will be forever etched in your travel advisory dossiers.
Have a splendidly Russian day!
Jack N. Ewehoff
Decadent Western Capitalist ‘n all-around irritant to email scammers regardless of geographicality
I got a very quick 'thank you!' note from Anna -- I reckon before she read what I sent Aeroflot -- and I got a rapid reply from Aeroflot.  And I learned something:  they have autoresponse emails and vacation notifications, too:

В связи с моим отсутствием в период с 18 по 29 ноября 2013 года по срочным вопросам прошу обращаться к Анастасии Якушевой по адресу


С уважением,

Анастасия Шальнова

Dear Sender,
I will be out of office with limited access to my mail box starting from 18 November and will not return until 02 December. In case of urgency please address to Anastasia Yakusheva at
Best regards,
Anastasia Shalnova 
Since I didn't consider things to be of 'urgency', I didn't bother the Aeroflot alternate. 

Anna was curiously quiet after this; perhaps stunned at the expediency shown by her future husband.  Though I kinda doubt it.  So I sent her quaint little emails of encouragement.  Like:

Let me know when you've started your journey from Kirov via yak to Moscow, darling.  I want to track your progress like a UPS package.
Even more endearing was this one:
And if you can let me know a few hours in advance of your starting out from Kirov on yak-back, I can arrange for you to receive in-ride snacks and beverages, courtesy of Aeroflot.  They can do that.  Granted, the peanuts might be stale leftovers from Eastern Airlines, but's something to knaw on to take your mind off the fact you'll be 8 hours on the back of a plodding yak.
And of course this one:
Anna my darling, you'll have to let me know how the yak was when you arrive to catch the train.  I mean, the rental company assured me that you'd have a guaranteed smooth ride or my money back.  Did your yak provide you with (a) working environmental controls for a comfortable interior in any weather (b) smooth handling with the rack 'n ribeye steering (c) stylish Cossack seating and the (d) abundance of cup holders?  I ordered only the best for you.
Love, Jack  
I don't know if Anna ever heard of the Coasters, but I'll reckon she'd like to hit me with one of their signature lines as I keep it up:

Y'know, it just occurred to me...when you get here, you'll be the only person I've ever knowd who was yak certified.  Since I'll never be too old to learn, can you teach me how to parallel park one?
Love, Jack 

I even show her my decadent western capitalist side:
The more I think about this yak thing you're doing, the more opportunity I see, Anna:  we can open up a yak driving certification business, right here in Denver.  Yes!  I'll run the business, and you can be the instructor!  We'll make MILLIONS! 
Get a butt massage when you get to the train and use the 14 hours to work on a training manual, honey.
Love, Jack 

Finally -- since nothing else is getting a rise out of Anna/Boris -- I throw in some Gooble Translate:

Gee, Anna, you could have gone to the airport outside Kirov and saved yourself 8 hours of yak and 14 hours of train and flied straight to Moscow.  Aeroflot would have been happy to serve you stale nuts from Eastern Airlines.  However, if you hadn't been so willing to sacrifice for me, we wouldn't have the business idea that your yak ride has created!  You are such a good little секс-рабыней.
Имейте отличную поездку, вы Славянский секс-рабыней!
Love, Jack 
So it appears that the saga of Anna-Banana/Boris has concluded, without Anna (see balance) receiving her $650 USD.  While I am satisfied with the outcome...I do find a sort of void in my life, now that all those other women Anna was claiming to be will no longer be shedding their clothes in my email...

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Blogger Sandee said...

Anna or George will be leaving you alone again. You aren't playing along like they want you too.

I keep waiting for you to tell her you're coming to her. That would be a nice twist. You know like you are heading to Russia anyway and can meet.

Have a fabulous day. My best to Seymour. ☺

05 January, 2014 09:48  

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