Post 1800: Dying Scammers And Uranus Wunst Agin

This blog began in June 2005 with Post 1.

At an average of one post every three or so days, it's taken this long to make it to Post 1800.

Naturally, Uranus would have to find a place in it.

Since it starts with a Third World email scam, that fits.

A heavily-favored template in Scamland is that of a dying person in a Third World hospital, offering the email recipient millions.

Righhhhhhhhhht.

Here's the latest effort to tug at my heart strings from Scamland:

Hello,
I'm Ms Aleksandra Lakic. I am writing from a hospital in Ivory Coast,
therefore this mail is very urgent.

I have been told by my doctor that I was poisoned and have got my liver 

damaged and can only live for few more weeks, I have a little orphan child, 

named Janice and [8.4 Million dollars] I inherited from my late father, I 

want you to help her out of this country with the money. 

(1) Set out 40% of the money to establish my daughter Janice 

(2) Give 30% of the money to the less privileged. The remaining 

30% should be for you and others that you may love to assist. 

Contact my daughter with her details below.

Janice Lakic
janicelakic@gmail.com
Telephone: +225 0574 0164 79

She will give you the documents of the money and will direct you to a
well known lawyer that I have appointed to her, the lawyer will assist
you to change the documents of the money to your name to enable the
bank to transfer the money to you. Janice is a young girl therefore
guides her.
Thanks for your acceptance to help accomplish my wish.
Ms Aleksandra Lakic

 This would have been all well and good, 'cept that over the years, I have no heart strings available to tug.  My pet rocks, Seymour and Element, will confirm that.

So my reply to both Lakics would be anticipated to reflect that:

Statistically speaking, you are less likely to emerge from a hospital in the Ivory Coast than you are to survive a journey to Uranus in a Yugo.

I recommend you find yourself a Yugo to become ensconced in soonest if not soonerer.

When survival is better th'yah than h'yah,

the sooner you start, the better off-er-er you'll be.  Just sayin'.

The elder and allegedly ailing Lakic had nothing further to add after that, but Janice Lakic wasn't quite ready to let it go, though the understanding gap was obvious:

i do not undersand your reply?

So I see.  Allowing for clarification, your operation to give me the business has aborted.  You might try a new tact and template.  Perhaps one involving an inflatable sex toy, a Motel 6, a compromised politician, and Preparation H misused as toothpaste. See if your handlers understand THAT.

From the silence that followed, it appears that Lakic's handlers did indeed 'undersand' that.

A Tampon Full of Army Ants?

I sorta kinda think I can understand Katie's reaction to that one.

West African scammers are oft-times a hoot.  They're far easier to mess with than they're convinced that we are.

Here's an example:

Hello Dear,

I am Sandrine Djetou. from Ivory Coast and I am contacting you because I need your help in the management of a sum of money that my dead father left for me before he died.This money is Five Million, Seven Hundred thousand United State Dollars.(USD$5,700,000.00)Dollars and the money is in a bank here in Abidjan the capital city.

My father was highly reputable business magnet (cocoa farmer) and he was poisoned by his business colleagues and now I want you to stand as my guardian and appointed beneficiary and receive the money in your country since I am only 21 years and without mother or father.Please I have suffered a lot of humiliation from my immediate uncles due to this funds that is the reason I contact you to help me secure the money in your country so that I can come over and continue my education from were I stopped.

Moreover, I am willing to offer you 20% for your kind assistance to me after the successful transfer of this fund to your nominated account overseas. Please I will like you to reply me so that I will tell you all the information so that this money will be transferred to you.

I am waiting for your urgent reply, Immediately I confirm you are willing to help me in earnest, I will furnish you with more details involved in this project.

Reply to my e-mail box below:

 

sdjetous@gmail.com 

Thanks.

Love from Sandrine Djetou.  

 

 

My 'editing-gone-wild' pet rocks Seymour and Element, saw in this a joint editing effort.  I saw a potential episode of South Park.  Somehow, they managed to work that in too:

 

 

From: Sandrine jimjill53@daum.net

Sent: Tuesday, November 26, 2019 11:01 AM
To: jimjill53@daum.net <jimjill53@daum.net>
Subject: Hi de hi de hi de hiiii, hi de hi de hi de moooo 

 Hello Skanks, I am Sandrine Djetou. I am provisionally from Ivory Coast though my dubious antecedence may actually be from Somalia, working as pirates in the Gulf of Aden, getting blowd to sh*t by assorted Navies out that way.    I am not contacting you on my behalf, but on behalf of a friend.  This friend -- a sack of inert compost if ever there was one -- needs your help in pulling off an online scam involving alleged money that my dead father left for me before he died at my friend's house, with a crudely adjusted will with penciled-in changes making my friend the beneficerary.  Honestly I don't see what this friend hoped to accomplish, since the money is only 500 West African francs, or the equivalent of about a quarter in US money.  At any rate, this mythical account is ensconced in what passes for a bank here in Abidjan the capital city.  My father was a low life "who's yo daddy" type who was Eunuched during one of his so-called "business propositions" at the Lamp Lighter Motel in Abidjan.  Stunned at being rendered genital-less, he wandered into the path of an onyx cart full of compost bound for Benin and was permanently embedded in the wheel tracks.  So now my friend wants you to stand as her "daddy" and appointed beneficerary and receive the pittance...er...money in your country since she is under 21 years and without integrity, ethics and credibility.  In short, she's a democrap working at cnn.   Please I have suffered a lot of humiliation from my friend over this so I hope you will accept to involve yourself, only to screw her over in the execution of this scheme.  Unless she uses one of the tampons I gave her first; it's packed with army ants.  That might get me the same satisfaction.  Moreover, I am willing to offer you 20% of nothing for your kind assistance to me.  After all, what good is 20% of a quarter in your country's money?  The days of "got a nickel? Suck my pickle.  Whip it out" are long gone along with five cent White Owl cigars.  Though if you insist on something, I'll promise you an autogiraffed picture of Taylor Swift screaming at a tree stump to protest Trump, if you are a democrap.  Please I will like you to reply me so that I will tell all my internet cafe friends that you're an easy mark so that all their scam templates will be shortly flooding your email address too.  I am waiting for your urgent reply, Immediately I confirm you are willing to help me by "helping" my friend, I will furnish you with more details involved in this soon-to-be-an-episode-on South Park..  Reply to my e-mail box below:   sdjetous@gmail.com  Thanks. Sandrine Djetou. Chairgender-neutral of the Ivory Coast "Epstein Didn't Kill Himself" Fan Club   While I am not the least bit surprised that their collective edit was met by Scam Land *crickets*, Seymour and Element were truly disappointed that they didn't get one reply.   They were trying to figure out how to come up with that autogiraffed picture of Taylor...

Operation WTF

As one can tell here, some operations don't work.

And they don't go any better in Scam Land.

Take this one from Serah Ibrahim Coulibaly, allegedly from the Ivory Coast:


Dear Sir/Madam,

My Name is Miss Serah Ibrahim Coulibaly 25 year old female from
the Republic of Ivory Coast, West Africa, I'm the Daughter of Late
Chief Sgt. Ibrahim Coulibaly (a.k.a General IB ). My late Father was a
well known as Ivory Coast military leader, He died on Wednesday 27 April
2011,  following a fight with the Republican Forces of Ivory Coast
(FRCI).

I wish to contact you personally for urgent assistance, and long term
relationship with business investment in your Country, I feel quite
safe dealing with you in this important issue, I am in search of
reliable person who will stand as my Foreign Trustee over the transfer
of my inheritance funds ($17.1, Million,us, Dollars) Seventeen Million
One Hundred Thousand
United States Dollar with Bank Of Africa in Burkina Faso and I am the
next of kin,

My currently life is very unbearable I am in pain and several pressure
which is beyond my control since the death of my parents. I am
pleading with you to come and save me out from this mess that has
been fall on me I need your maximum support to transfer the above funds
to your account,

I had discussed with the bank managing Director to make withdrawal of
the total money for me to start a new life, But the Bank Managing Director
whom I met in person told me that my father's instruction in his
(deposit will) was the funds would only be released to me when I
present a Foreign Trustee who would help me and invest the money
overseas for proper management, as I have no idea over international business,

With due respect I had writing this long message to seek your
assistance for the following reasons below :

1. To stand as my Foreign Trustee for the funds.

2. After the transfer of the money, you will locate a good school for
me to continue my studies in the Western World,

3. To invest the money in profitable business in your country for
future and better life,

As it stands, I am ready to offer you 25% of the total money for your
kind assistance,

Please all my communications with you should be through my private
email address for confidential purposes, upon your response I will
give you the bank contact information and my late father’s deposit
certificate, and other details of the funds which you will use as my
TRUSTEE to apply for the Immediate transfer of the mentioned funds to
your bank account.

I will appreciate your urgent response through this my private Email
Address,

Thanks and God bless you

Miss. Serah Ibrahim Coulibaly   


About as convincing as hellary's Benghazi liefest.

So with a little edit, let's see if this heps 'her' out any:


On Thursday, October 29, 2015 10:15 AM, Serah Ibrahim Coulibaly <bdlrytq@gmail.com> wrote:

Yo Dawg,

My Name is Miss Serah Ibrahim Coulibaly 25 year old former male from the Republic of Ivory Coast, West Africa.  I was the son of Late Chief of Staph & Strep Ibrahim Coulibaly (a.k.a General IB ). My late Father was a well known as Ivory Coast military leader, He died on Wednesday 27 April 2011,  following a training exercise while cleaning a grenade with the pin out.

Hate when that happens.

I wish to contact you personally for urgent assistance...see, before I contact you, I had suffered much trauma over my late father's accident while cleaning a live grenade with pin out, and after two years of therapy I was shamed into thinking that I was really a woman, like Caitlyn Jenner.  So I had all the *stuff* done to go from beta male to ceti alpha fauxmale.

Too late did I read that when Bruce Jenner became Caitlyn Jenner, he/she kept the tallywacker attached...just in case.

Hate when that happens, too.

I am in search of reliable person who will arrange for me to see a really good groinological sturgeon for the purpose of unremoving a penis.  Ray Jessop did a really snappy song about this on American Idol, and it made me want to be an Oscar Meyer instead of an Olivia NoDongjohn.

Though I did kinda like her in Geese when John Revolta got down on her.  She'd a been okay in whipped cream, too.

My currently life is very unbearable I am in pain and several pressure which is beyond my control since that grenade accident, followed by that suckass therapist that convinced me I could make $1000 a night as a fauxmale.  My five o'clock shadow, groinological scar and one still attached missed testy (cuz the sturgeon missed it) pretty much scotched that.  I am pleading with you to come and save me out from this mess that has been fall on me I need your maximum support to get to your country where there HAS to be a doctor who can unremove my penilogical heritage, even if it will have to be a substitute model from Hormel or Oscar Meyer.

 
With due respect I had writing this long message to seek your assistance for the following reasons below :

1. To find me a quantifried sturgeon that specialize in groinologicals.

2. After it's done, you will locate a good leftard school for me where I'll be celebated as a hero on msnbc, along with painful rectal itch and hellary.

3. To hook me up with a good dating service where genitals with stitches aren't considered Halloween disguises.

As it stands, I am ready to offer you six goats, three pigs and a wildebeest named Wanda for your kind assistance,

Please all my communications with you should be through my private email address for confidential purposes; I don't want NOW to find out I want to change back, and The View's fount of wisdom -- Warthawg Goldbrick -- will make more fun of me than she does Donald Tramp, the guy that wears a pompadour on top of a stormtrumper helmet as a hair ball spewing cat in Bloom County, wherever that is.  

I will appreciate your urgent response through this my primate Email Address:  serahcoulibaly@gmail.com

Thanks and don't tell Caitlyn about this either, 

Miss. Serah Ibrahim Coulibaly soon to be Bruce Jenner Coulibaly  

 

 

This didn't get me a  reply from the scammer, but I reckon it'll get me another *arrrrgh* from hellary's stupor volunteers...

Rappi Yapi Whittles A Wang

I reckon that's not what the directions meant. 

Mebbe.

I also reckon the directions I followed from Samson Yapi, Ivory Coast scammer, weren't interpreted in the manure he had in mind, either.

It all started on September 17, 2013.  Ol' Yapi sent me an email with the title "Reply me immediately when you read this email okay?".

So the email sat, chilling in my email inbox sink -- without a remote or beer -- until November 21, when I finally responded with "is this immediate enough?".

Shore 'nuff:


Yes is immediate enough.

I thank you for your urgent response for mail of assistance to you and your willing to assist me.I  attached with this mail, my picture for you to see me and know me and I want you to send me yours in your reply mail too.

I am Samson Yapi, the only surviving child of late Mr & Mrs Desire Asségnini Yapi,The former Interior minister in Laurent Gbagbo’s government,I am 17 years old young man,please do not betray me after trusting you.My late parents,Mr & Mrs Desire Asségnini Yapi, died of shrapnel wounds sustained when members of the Republican Forces stormed the presidential palace to arrest Mr.Gbagbo on April 12, 2011.You can find out this on the web page Ivory Coast arrest of the former president Laurent Gbagbo http://www.afriqueavenir.org/en/2011/04/13/gbagbo-minister-dies-from-shrapne l-wounds/.  He was the acting Minister of Interior in the government that was formed following that agreement before his appointment in the aftermath of the 28 November post election crisis as the general secretary of the presidency.
 
I really need your assistance on the below list.

1)To receive my inheritance in your country (us$5.5million).
2) To serve as my guardian while I go back to school.
3) To make arrangement for me to come over to your country to further my education immediately my inheritance is transferred to your account in your country.
4) To help me invest part of the inheritance in a profitable ventures while I go back to school. 


That was pretty just the gist of it. 

Yapi forgot, as promised above, to send me a photo of him.  And in my immediately two months plus late reply, I forgot to reciprocate.  But in a follow up, I sent him the picture above.

I reckon that, coupled with the edited response I sent back to him and a few of his peers and colleagues, this put a chill on further communications with Yapi:

Yes is the loneliest number that you'll ever do.  So said Three Dawg Blight, as I recalls.

I gives thanks you for your urgent response for a turkey already buttstuffed and ready to have twerk with.  I  attached with this mail, my picture for you to see me and know me and I want you to send me yours in your reply mail too.

I am Samson Yapi, the only surviving butt polyp of late Mr & Mrs Desire Asségnini Yapi, the former booking manager for the 60s musical group, Painful Rectal Itch.  I am 17 years old young man when I inherit this job from my lates, which is probably why Painful Rectal Itch is more a malady than a well-knowd musical grope on the neuralgia circuit court of appeals.  please do not betray me to Mick Jagger after trusting you. 

 

The San freakcisco garbage band Painful Rectal Itch died of throwing a hot transformer into the hot tub that they were all sharing with Cher at the time; Cher survived it after about 500 plastic surgicals that left her talking like she does today.  You can find out this on the web page Ivory Soap Has No Idea What You're Looking Up Here.  He was the acting coach to the world's greatest actor, Arec Bardwin, until the movie Team America:  World Police exposed both him and Bardwin as total douche nozzle suckasses.
  
I really need your assistance on the below list.

1) To send me new bedding covers; I wet mine.
2) To serve borscht to my yak herd.
3) To make arrangement for me to have sex with a manatee named Yolanda over in your country while it is filmed to go with Miley Cyrus next twerking video, I Am The Vaginal Walrus.
4) To help me have incest with a family of beavers I intend to adapt while I go back to school to become a phlabotomist.

I need your address,full names and contact numbers to submit to soeterodoesn'tcare, because I get paid commission for everyones I sign up, and I don't wants to give them mine, because it sucks.  This I hope you find is okay until you find too late that it's not.

As I said in my first mail, the constipated mathematician worked it out with a pencil, and if this is okay with you, make sure the pencil you use is a number 2.  If you understand the first part, you understand what I just did there, huh?

 

 Remain blessed, 'cuz you'll need it when soeterodoesn'tcare loots your personal information and bank accounts.

Samson Yapi
+22542818155

Samson Yapi <samsonyapi01@yahoo.fr>

After the photo and edit, Samson decided I was too late after all  ;-)

 

How NOT To Compliment The Season

This is a good filler photo every so often.

Have you ever had an email that started with "Compliment of the season"?  I've had a few over the years, and I've always moved past that salutation to deal with whatever the contents of the email were.

This time, I decided to address the issue directly with the sender (aka, a scammer).  Now, there was most likely going to be no exchange, because when I respond to scammers with questions quite off the subject, as often as not they don't bother to reply to me further. 

I guess they have somewhat literate-in-English handlers.

But this one -- representing herself as Esther Kwambe of the Ivory Coast, but most likely a dude from one of their fly-infested internet cafes -- actually and foolishly engaged my question via email, albeit briefly:


Me: "What compliment is this season deserving of, do you reckon?"

Scammer: "i am not understand you question?"

Me: "You wrote, 'compliment of the season'; I ask how so and why?"

Scammer: "it is not important to what i wis...h to speak with you abouts".

Me: "It's important to me to know how this particular season is deserving of a compliment and why..this is very important".

Scammer: "why?"Me: "Because in the karmic scheme of mice and the cats who eat them, to everything there is a season, and an inappropriate compliment to an undeserving season is bad form in certain venues. Do you follow me?"

Scammer: "do you have fun with me?"

Me: "So it appears. Do you think it's complimentary to the season at hand?"


This brought an end to our email exchange through one of my addresses.  But lo and behold...I got the exact same email from allegedly the exact same person through a second address as well. 

*TOING*

Since I already have two active scambaits going, I thought it'd just be simpler to edit this one in one of my less than mannerly versions.  And if I'm right about this scammer actually being a dude, parts of this email will probably go right over his head.

Perhaps you'll see what I just did there..or not:


Subject: Compliment of the season.

Compliment of the season:  ASSHAT DOUCHENOZZLE.

Please if you are willing to critique this compliment of the season, indicate your interest in replying me through my private Email   ( kwambe_esther@yahoo.fr )

This message might come to you as a surprise. The chosen compliment of the season might too.  However, I don't give a soda straw f**k because this is not why I write. 

I am Miss. Esther Kwambe. the only Daughter Of Mr. And Mrs. Joseph Kwambe from Ivory Coast. I am an Orphan being that I lost my Parents. I put them in a box on a shelf somewhere, and not I can't find them.  Oh well...I had just been grounded when this happened, so phfffffffffft on them.

My Father was a serving director of the Sodomy board in Ivory Coast here durring His days, and he'd prance around the hut in a tutu at night, doing the Macarena.  Now you see why I boxed him along with my mom, who worked as a surrogate parent for infertile gazelles.  Small wonder I am a twisted personality.

Before his disappearance when I boxed them both he told me that he deposited a huge sum of $10.5 million in a Security Comapany here in our country.  He told a lot of whoppers in his time, and it's a wonder that Burger King didn't hire him as a spokesdork.

I want you to do three things:  (1) cast your vote on my 'Compliment of the Season', since I can win a vaginal rebushing here if I get enough votes, and mine is already so used it's hanging down around my knees when I stand; (2) help me to determine if the money my boxed father told me about are real of just another of his meth 'n Pepsi hallucinations, and (3) get me the centipede fornication OUT side my country so that I can start sponging off your free welfare, healthcare, cell phones and other stuff that we can't get here, because this place sucks.

My plan is, in the words of the puppet Kim Sung IL, "a very good pran", and I have work long and hard on it between stuffing my saggying vagina back into place.  This is my reason for writing to you.

Oh, and because my sources here tell me that you're a gullible dumbass.

Please if you are willing to assist me indicate your interest in replying me through my private Email ( kwambe_esther@yahoo.fr ).  If you're not, I hope you get genital wartative demeaning plebney, whatever that is.


Thanks and conditional best regards depending on your reply; I have a voodoo doll to start sticking if you don't.
Your new nightmare with a hanging vagina,
Miss.Esther Kwambe. 

Whoever is playing the woeful Ms Kwambe didn't bother to further the discussion about season compliments or hanging genitilia, but a former scammer I engaged -- Christ John, christjohn252@yahoo.co.uk -- demonstrated that his months-ago threat to never speak to me again wasn't holding up:

STOP WITH THIS ALL YOU JUNK!

Ah, so you ARE STILL READING THESE, eh?  Now that I know that, I'll make sure you don't miss a single one!

And I promptly forwarded him 25 of the last and most recent edits.

My pet rock, Seymour, says I am such a sh**.

He's right.