Thoughts On Defensive Dating

To be sure, this photo is from a science fiction episode of The Twilight Zone.

But it could just as easily be an example of the revelation of dating in barlighting. A tad more on that momentarily.

Some feller with the amusingly ironic last name of Dave Singleton, recently posted an article for Match.com on the subject of defensive dating, and how to recognize some of the signs that you might have lots of bad dates because you are a 'defensive' dater.

For example, one of the general indicators of a "defensive dater" is under the category of "the uncomfortable topic cringe". Which appears to be clearly displayed in the photo, as if the creature on the other side of the window just asked William Shatner that classic uncomfortable question, "new in town, sailor?". In the voice of Yoda.

I know a thing or two I've met in barlighting, but I digress.

Anyway, the article addresses tips that let one know that they might be a "defensive dater", and gives a series of tips to help one change their defensive dating behavior.

Well, the article writer did NOT interview the ultimate defensive dater for this article, so I reckon his information is, at best, incomplete. At worst, it's...incomplete.

The writer should have interviewed me.

I reckon that I am the ultimate "defensive dater": I haven't been on an actual 'date' since 2002. Now I ax ya...how much more defensive can one get?

It's on accounta cuz I'm a gentleman. And boring as watching paint dry. Why would I subject a woman I like to an evening of that? The reason I wouldn't subject a woman I don't like to it is just as rational: if I don't like her, why be around or spend money on her?

Ya gotta admit...I'm practical in a sorta thoughtful way.

And thanks to my even more pathetic pet rock, Seymour, I have more tips to help you be a better "defensive dater":

- a good first impression for the defensive dater is at a fast food restaurant. And when you're looking over the menu, pull out a calculator and tally the bill to the penny, letting her know that's all you can afford.

- show up wearing body armor. The helmet with the closeable face shield adds clarity to any "WTF?" thoughts a date might have at being so met. You don't need to include a battle ax, especially if her mother is around.

- upon arrival, don't bring her flowers, candy, etc...give her a list of 'talking points' for the evening. What's okay to bring up, and what ain't. Food, sex, and football are okay. Most everything else...*BUZZZZZZZZZER*. Any violation of the list, and she pays her own tab.

- don't be witty, funny, charismatic or any other kind of verbal firearm. A dull, thousand yard stare, with occasional drool out one side of the mouth, has never failed me in getting a totally bogus phone number, if I get that much.

- look repeatedly at your cell phone, and tell your 'date' that your mom expects you home early to clean the catbox.

- by all means, fart at the first embarrassing opportunity, and blame her.

Seymour had more stuff on the list, but offering your date as a human sacrifice to a volcano was more fitting 2,000 years ago; it's not always easy to keep a timeless rock thinking contemporarily.

BTW...this is what happens when your blog author has a night of 'writer's block' on his hands: crappy posts.

Told ya I wuz boring...

IRS r Scammed

You'll pardon the acronym, but WTF: I have received the very same scam letter now a total of four times this week.

One that purports to be from...*drum roll*..the IRS.

Which it could be, I suppose, what with dumbed-down educational substandards in the DC area schools, which is also where the HQ of the IRS resides.

What, you say? I'm daring to call the IRS "dumbed down"? Well, certainly whoever is sending out the very same email, is.

Anyway, I won't go to the work to show you the whole format as I keep receiving it; but here's what it says, in it's own syntax and grammar:

Department of Treasury Internal Revenue Source (and there's an authentic-looking IRS icon to go widdit). Important information about your tax return

We are unable to process your tax return (mine was processed months ago, but who's counting?)

We recived your tax return. However, we are unable to process the return as field. Our records indicated that the person identifiedas the primary taxpayer or spouse on the tax return did not provided all the required documents shown on the tax form. Our records are based on information received from the Social Security Administration. Based on this information, the tax account for the individual has been locked

What you need to do

Print out the attached notification and list of missing documents (which is attached to the email as a zip.file, which I steadfastly refuse to open, in case of any virus crap therein), fill it in, add the documents and send the following information to the adress shown in the attached notification.

List of required documents:

1. A copy of this letter

2. Notification letter (again, the unexamined zip.file)

3. A photocopy of valid U.S. Federal or State Government issued identification.

Keep this notice for your records. If you need assistance, please don't hesitate to contact us

Alrighty then. If this WERE an authentic email from the IRS -- *chortle snort guffaw* -- the proofers are morons. But since this email -- in three out of the four times I've received it thus far -- isn't addressed specifically to me, *BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*.

And it's fair game for rewriting and sending back to the source and an assortment of other scammers whose addresses still accept abuse from my counterattacking address.

The following example is not my best of the four; but I reckon it'll get the point across to you readers, if not to the moronic scammers:

Department Of Treasury Infernal Revenue Sots

Irrelevant information about your tax return

We are unable to process your tax return

We received your tax return. However, we are unable to process the return because you filled the f***ing thing out in a foreign language and, gawdammit, this America, not some Third World craphole. A valid 1040 form is filled out in f***ing ENGLISH, you moron. Our records indicate that the person identified as the primary taxpayer or spouse on the tax return has the intellect of a termite-infested tree stump, and may be named Kelvin from Senegal (one of the copied email scammers you've read about recently), also known in scam circles as Faith Jama, a chick widda dick. And the forms provided did not clarify this fact, let alone provide authentication of dual sexuality. Our records are based on information received from the Senegal Ministry of Revenue and Gender Oddities in the Species Cross-Mating Department. Based on this information, the tax account for the individual has been locked.

What you need to do

Pull your head out of your Third World unwiped ass, print out the attached notification and list of missing documents, fill it in, add the documents and send the following information to the Senegal Ministry of Revenue.

List of required documents:

1. A copy of this letter

2. Notification letter

3. A photocopy of valid Senegal Government issued identification

4. Proof of gender

5. Proof of species

6. Proof of vertebrate mammal

7. Proof that Registrant has three working brain cells

8. Proof that Uranus is not your home planet

9. Proof that you don't have penile-eating crotch crickets from sex with three peckered goats

10. Proof that you can f***ing understand one word of this sh**11. Proof that Dr. Samuel Okoronji (another copied scammer who I abuse regularly) doesn't have vaginal warts in his sinus passages

12. Proof that all the scammers this is sent to can actually read one word of this sh**

13. Proof that anyone noticed #10 and #12 are redundant

14. Proof that any recipient knows what redundant means

Keep this notice for your records. If you need assistance..oh, WTF..it's obvious from reading this that your sorry ass needed assistance from the f***ing day you were hatched. Don't call us, call Dr. f***ing Ruth or Dr. f***ing Phil, since your ass is well beyond help of normal folks. Contact someone who f***ing cares at kelvin_isi@yahoo.com (one of my regularly abused scammers who you've read about, and learned what death threats get one who makes them).

Perhaps this is some kind of a scammer-a-thon: keep sending me the same scam email, and see how long I'll keep rewriting it differently and sending it back.

I have only just begun to rewrite h'yar...

How "Coud" I -- Part II

No, this is not a post that is picking on the Clintons.

But the particular photo shop h'yar fits what's to come. In my last installment, I introduced you to Faith Jama, alleged 'refugee' in Senegal, whose daddy left millions in a bank somewhere, that she needed a foreigner -- aka, me -- to help her get to, after which she'd come to me and we'd live happily ever after.

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZER* And then along came my scam letter re-writes, and I was told to not communicate with Faith any more, as we ended the last blog post. And you and I both thought that that was the end of the story...

As y'all know, after I've rewritten a scam email, I retain that scammer's address and send other rewrites to it until it goes bad. And most of them eventually are disabled, closed, or abandoned (they fill up to the point it can accept no more mail). So jama.faith@yahoo.com began to receive the rewrites of those who followed her.

This went on for two days after I last heard from Faith. Until the other morning, when I got this from Faith Jama, alleged female refugee in Senegal:

Email Title: BLOOD DAYS

WHO IS THIS DEATH MAN THAT WANT TO F*** WITH THE PRINCE OF DAKAR WELL YOU CAN CALL ME AND LET ME KNOW YOU, F*** TAKE CARE OF YOUR SELF.

Faith Jama is the 'Prince of Dakar'??? Faith -- the alleged chick -- is a 'prince'?

Even those of you thousands of miles away, had to have heard the *TOING* that I did.

Never one to miss an opportunity to further a bait when a 'blood days gauntlet' is thrown down, I did indeed want to f*** with whomever:

Oooooh, ebu mama gi gi (an African insult of some kind), beeyotch. Ukulele unga bunga bunga! I invite you, prince of f***ing Dakar, to try me. You hapless Third World moron! Go ahead...try your worst, Poodle Lips.

And with that, the email 'fight' was on, as "Faith" responded back with an exact duplicate of the email I had just received. So I changed up the reply:

You are going to be an absolute PLEASURE to f*** with, Prince/Princess Wanker. Prepare to be f***ed with like you never dun been afore, cretin!

"Faith" responds by calling me "Jew Man" in the title, and:

let me tell you this life and next will can never be type, you are f***ing with the wrong? well go and look for you type, do not f*** with me, do u have money Big JEW

I'm sure you followed that like I did. Now it was time to give my inner four year old crayons and a nice big white wall to play wid:

Whatever money I have, you're too f***ing backward and childishly INEPT to ever get it. I will F*** with you because there is NOT ONE THING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. You are totally incapable of carrying out any threat you can make or manage to spell. You are a child, a wuss, you are absolutely less than nothing. Is someone reading this to you that understands English? I don't want you to miss a syllable here. At any rate, keep making threats, Punky Brewster. Soggy toilet paper would have no worries from you.

The gauntlet's down...what will "Faith" come up with next? What he -- yes, I said HE -- comes up with next, has me laughing my ass off:

Jew man can you come online do you have cam let us reason, add me kelvin_isi@yahoo.com

So, "Faith" is actually a "Kelvin", eh? I know where this is headed, in the mind of my inner four year old:

Hope you know what you're letting yourself in for, pussy mama. You're a guy who played being a woman? MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!

Faith/Kelvin has a thin skin:

stop talking like a fool and dont call me pussy just add me

What Faith/Kelvin wanted was to 'chat' with me using the Yahoo Chat feature in the email. So I "added" him, and from there it really went downhill, as Faith/Kelvin alternated between (a) threats (b) asking me to work with 'it' (c) admitting his job was as a scammer for a group (d) begging me for money and (e) getting mad because I kept referring to him as "pussy".

One of the short, funny moments in the chat (his in bold, mine in italics):

where is iowa (he pestered me about where I was, so I told him where my character's profile was listed)

You don't know where Iowa is?

no where is iowa

You've got a computer, pussy, look it up!

stop call me pussy no time to look up

You pussy moron, you have time to chat, you have time to look up where Iowa is.

*after a couple minutes*

iowa in US?

Well, DUH..yeah. Why? You gonna come?

i can fly iowa and make you sry

You imbecilic pussy moron, you can't even find your way out of Senegal!

why you call me pussy stop

You don't like pussy but you're okay with moron?

what is moron

It's you, pussy

STOP!!

I can't stop you from being a pussy moron..it's too late.

And another short thread that left Faith/Kelvin sputtering:

why can i no see u (my Yahoo Chat icon was set to 'invisible', and obviously this twit doesn't know how to do that)

Who cares? I see you. You see me when I reply. What the f*** is the matter with you, pussy moron?

i tell u no call me pussy

Yeah, and you told me you were Faith Jama, too, pussy.

stop b4 u get in touble

Me? Get in touble with you, pussy? BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....dang, you should be a f***ing comedian, Pussy Moron.

STOP

What are you, a f***ing stop sign?

u talk not sence to me..i want do busness with u

I don't do business with pussy morons.

i no pussy

You pussy moron.

why u insut me

because you're a pussy moron, and a lying scamming sack of sh**.

i have frends u know who can make u sry

All you do is make me laugh, pussy moron.

stop pls not pussy

You're a pussy moron to me, Pussy Moron. That's your name I gave you on Yahoo Chat (and when he comes on line, that's what shows up on my end LOL).

u r big Jew Man f*** u

Is that the best you can do, Pussy Moron?

i no pussy

And on, and on...for about 20 minutes, before he finally got exasperated enough to log out of Yahoo Chat.

The next morning, who's icon is displayed in Yahoo Chat when I log in? Uh huh: Pussy Moron.

So I sent him a solid page-worth of "pussy moron" to let him know I was in the Yahoo Chat house.

And he promptly logged off. I have that affect on scammers.

Yeah, I know: my inner four year old is mean. And has a lot of crayoned wall to be washed off. But I don't mind ;-)

How "Coud" I?

It's about a week in time from the beginning to the conclusion of this series of correspondence. And as exemplified in the post title, the end question posed to me by the scammer is easy, for anyone who reads this blog somewhat regularly.

About a week and a half ago, I received a short email entitled Beloved, and it went like this:

i have asked God to guide me in my times and to me he has sended me you email address. so it is with no fear that i write to you because God fills my heart with love and he guides me to you so i know you are the one who will lift me from the present. i await your respond. With love, Faith Jama

Included was the email address of jama.faith@yahoo.com. Fine.

But just who was God referring her to? My name isn't "undisclosed recipients". Unless God knows something that I don't. Actually, He knows a few hundred thousand terrabyte drives of stuff I don't, and I digress.

Anyway, it wasn't much to work with, but I sent her back -- from my rewrite scam emails account -- a short reply, and shared it with 20 of her colleagues. It went like this:

Hi. My name is Faith Jama, and I have a vaginal yeast infection. That's probably TMI, but I don't care. I say what I feel, and I feel really itchy and bitchy right now. Send me emails and tell me how to relieve this sh**. Someone, ANYONE. And that's the last time I mix a night out on the town, alcohol, and three peckered goats on a dare. Sheesh.

That garnered me a reply from Faith. One with her picture attached. And a reply that proved she didn't read what I wrote; she only cared that I replied:

Email Title: Sweetie

It warm my heart to hear you, my heart accept you from the very first time i don't know what you have done to me to make me feel like this (I suggested you had a vaginal yeast infection, that's what I dun). God send me to you and just to you and you are now my frend i can trust and talk to. i need to open my hearte to you as my helper and for your help i will give you more when we are join (she can keep her yeast infection).

To spare you all of the syrupy in-error syntax, here's the gist of her reply: i am in refugee camp in Senegal and you are my hope to be free and find love my life is not having. i have inhertance from dead parents but cant not get to it without your help now and as two who are join by God i pleadg you my inhertance and my love for your help. i like to sing cook walk on beach and live for love. i send you picture of me hope it plese you yes?

And she included this phone number for me to call right away -- 221-772093435 -- and ask for Faith when "the Rev answer".

I'll get right on that. Or actually, I'll see if I can get one of 25 of her colleagues to get right on that, as I again donned my 'rewrite hat', removed her photo, replaced it with the unspeakable one above, and sent back to her and her peers:

Email Title: OMG Is This What I Look Like?

OMG, I never knew I could look so bad in a picture like this!!! My big fat ass looks even bigger than any photoshop program could enhance! What the f*** did you do to me, Dr. Samuel Okoronji (another of the scammers copied on this email who has threatened me three times now for what I did to his emails, and the dozens of others I pour into his scam box)? You were supposed to liposuction it, not ENLARGE IT!!!

And why are you 'riding' me (refer to obvious replacement picture)? I don't know what you done to make me feel this way, but I am very upset that you have posted this picture of me for everyone in fly-infested internet cafe to look at and laugh. Granted, I am one skanky-lookin beeyotch. But still. How am I supposed to dupe someone into falling for my 'need a foreign man' scam, and get money from them, when you make me look like Goodyear Blimp?

I need real and sincere friend that I can trust and talk to, because I have kept secret for too long that I eat 20 lbs of ham three times a day. You'd never know it to see me, I know.

Did you know I once had a boyfriend? I accidentally misplaced him, and thought he had run out on me. Come to find, two months later, that he was trapped in the crack of my ass. He was pretty ripe and flat by then. My bad.

Sometimes the world seems to be upside down. Then I meet someone and sit on them, and I get the strangest sensations when they try to wriggle out of there. It's weird, in a kinky sort of way.

I have so much of me to tell you, as you can see. About how I was originally violated by a Great Dane, and I have not been the same ever since, that is why in picture I am on all fours. Ask me, and I'll bark like a dog for you. Woof woof. Me good dog. Just don't get too close when I wag my ample tail.

I like to lay on beach, but lately, these long-haired weirdos from some group called Greenpeace, go into a frenzy when they see me, and try to push me into the water. What is that about?

Please call me at the number I gave you before and tell the pedophile who answers that you want to talk to Faith the petite. He won't believe it, but he'll let me know and I'll get to the phone as long as I'm not noshing on one of my 20 lbs of ham meals. Priorities, you know.

Would she, or her handlers, read THIS response, and draw the proper conclusion from the attached photo?

As her reply indicated, nawp. Here again is the gist of it: my great love you have make my heart sing to know you respond to me. God gave me you and i am so happy to know that we will soon be together once you have retreve my inhertance and will send for me to your country.

Yada, yada...yada. Four paragraphs worth.

Okay, so (a) she isn't reading my replies and rewrites (b) her handlers aren't either and (c) none of the other receiving scammers are tipping her off. Might be afraid that, after seeing that photo, tipping her could cause an earthquake and tsunami somewhere.

No biggie (see what I just did there?). I am many things, including flatulent, but that's for later. I take her latest syrupy reply, and revamp the snarf out of it, returning it to her and the very same 25 other colleagues of hers:

As I read all you write to me, I am remembered to think about the time I was assigned, as a still-virgin, to read all the comments on the bathroom walls in the soldier's barracks. This led me to do a paper on "2591 Reasons I Should Have Stayed In Oshkosh", since most of the comments were badly written, poorly spelled, and referred to unspeakable sex acts with emus.

Sucks to be an emu in these parts when the regiment is on maneuvers, but I digress.

I don't know why I trust you, since I heard that you spread crotch crickets to goat herds in nearby villages, but I have to trust someone, so I pick you.

My life in this email is like a tourists' guide to Toledo: I am from Zimbabwe but I live in Senegal now, and I have plans to spread my ample self out to Nigeria, Cote D'Ivore, Uganda, Kenya, Chad, maybe even Libya. Lots of soldiers there right now, and I can have a blast, figuratively and literally.

I don't believe in the biblical God, otherwise I wouldn't be trying to scam people who're stupid enough to respond to my bogus emails. But last night, I prayed to the 12" long rubber emu doll in my tent, that doubles for a dildo when I get bored, and I have prayed for a new emu doll, because this one's getting pretty sticky.

Life is not too good for me here, since I'm over 500 lbs and my emu dildo is sticky. Please...is it true that in your country, you have stores that sell battery operated dildos tht don't have the shape of emus? That is so like...wow. I want one. F***, I want a dozen. But I need batteries, too. A sh**load of them.

Please try all your possible best to send me money for me, and use some more of your money to buy me some battery-powered dildos. I am not alright here, I walk funny because of my shape and because that emu beak on the dildo catches all the time and I am really sore there.

You are my hero forever, you send me non-emu-shaped, battery operated dildos.

After that, a whole day elapsed with nothing. Then, evidence that someone FINALLY read what I had been rewriting on Faith's behalf, and bothered to tell Faith:

how coud you do this? i put trust in you and you write things as me that i not say and send them to who??? you are not nice mans. dont not contact me more ok.

Naturally -- because I respect the fairer sex, except when 'she' is trying to scam me -- I respected her wishes and replied to her and her 25 colleagues:

Thank you for letting me know my dildo and battery order is on the way. Just thinking about getting them sends chills up my spine that shake the ground for a mile in every direction. Keep in touch with me and tell me all about myself, and please, share it with everyone online you can find. I want them to see me. Sh**, please send my information and photo to America's Got Talent and American Idol!! I am all for exposure...and is there ever a load of me to expose!!!

Nothing further from Faith Jama, any of her colleagues, or the Emu Dildo Defense Fund. Yet.

Who's Who Meets WTF -- II

In the last installment, I had been contacted by Who's Who Among Executives and Professionals, as a candidate to be included in their 2011 publication. Granted, the date I was to have responded by for inclusion, was May 25, 2001; I received the email from them on June 8.

Details, details. Scammers don't tend to sweat them, so I didn't reckon that I would, either.

Anyway -- as I did with another comparable publication in 2007 -- I filled out their candidate's questionnaire, only this time using one of my scambaiting characters, and making up a business wherein I "fixed business correspondence for clients".

In other words, my current tactic of re-writing scammer emails, and sending them back to the scammers, for fun and death threats.

In 2007, I was astonished (at first) when I heard back from that publication, after what I'd written in the questionnaire. I was even more astonished after I was interviewed on the phone, and the 'researcher' didn't question anything about my job as a crustacean research analyst for the International Crustacean Obedience Training Institute. All they cared about was getting me to commit paying them for my being included in their publication.

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER* I didn't wind up getting included. Sore heads.

In 2011, I was therefore NOT astonished when a few days after I filled out the similar questionnaire, using the name of Jack N. Ewehoff, to receive a call from what claimed to be a woman, but sounded like a man, and went by the name of "Mahgahret" -- Margaret, I 'spose, pronounced New Yawk style -- purporting to represent the "Research Department" of Who's Who Among Executives And Professionals. A call that I answered in my pseudo-redneck voice. The following is as best as I can recall the conversation, which I hurriedly scribbled down at the conclusion:

Me: Hidy...Fixit Form Letters h'yar. How kin ah hep yew?

Mahgahret: Ahh, hello. My name is Mahgahret (couldn't catch the last name) representing the Research Department for Who's Who Among Executives and Professionals. Is this Mr. Jack Ewehoff (she's pronouncing it "weehoff", so it's going waaaaaaaaay over her head)?

Me: Who're yew tryin' ta reach h'yar?

Mahgahret: I'm trying to reach, uh, Mr. Jack...Weehoff (her mispronounciation)?

Me: Ah dunno no Jack Weehoff. But ah'm knowd as Jack Ewehoff, iffen ah'll do fer ye.

Mahgahret: My apologies, Mr...uhh, did you say "Ewehoff"?

Me: Yawp, ma'am, ah shore did. What kin ah do fer yew?

Mahgahret: Uh...perhaps I..uh...is this (and she asks me to verify the number she called).

Me: Yawp, y'all got me h'yar 'cuz y'all called me h'yar. Nawh, what kin ah do fer yew?

Mahgahret: Well...I was calling you, Mr. Ewehoff, because I wanted to congratulate you on being accepted in the 2011 edition of Who's Who Among Executives and Professionals.

Me: Wahl, that's right neighborly of y'all. Thank ye.

Mahgahret: I've got just a few additional questions about your profile to verify that we have your information correct for the publication. Do you have a few minutes?

Me: Ma'am, ah hope ah gots more'n a few minutes h'yar...go righ' ahaid an' ask wha'evah yore lil' ol' heart desires...

Mahgahret: uh...sir, you're kind of hard to understand..

Me: Danged if mah four ex-wives didn' think th' same danged thang. But horsefeathers, us fellers is easy ta unnerstand, once y'all figger that we like football, sex, 'n gittin' fed..

Mahgahret: Mr. Ewehoff, that's not what I meant...(talking to someone in background)

Me: Wazzdat Missy? Didn' h'yar wha' y'all said thar...

Mahgahret: Uh..(again sounds like she's talking to someone in the background)..uh, how do you pronounce your name again?

Me: How ah always pro-nownce mah name...ah'm Jack N. Ewehoff. Same way ah always sez it an' been knowd as.

Mahgahret: Uh...and you say you're the editor of Fixit Form Letters, located in Central City, Colorado?

Me: Y'all got that cooo-rect. Ah be hisself.

*Mahgahret and someone else in background talking; couldn't make out what was being said*

Mahgahret: Uh, sir, are you..uh...is this a...are you serious?

Me: Ahm ah seryous 'bout what, Ma'am?

Mahgahret: Well, uh...sir, your name..

Me: Wha' bout mah name, Ma'am? Y'all gots a problem widdit?

Mahgahret: Is this some kind of joke?

Me: *fake sounding annoyed* Ma'am, y'all tryin' ta make lihwt a wha' mah folks named me h'yar?

Mahgahret: Sir, this is a serious business here, and I don't have time...

Me: Ah'll tell yew wha'...y'all starts ta makin' fuhn o' mah auntie-ceedence, an' ah'm apt ta fergit yore a ma'am h'yar. (Mahgahret starts to try to interrupt, but ah'm onna roll h'yar).. Looky h'yar, ah'm proud a mah name an' ain't gonna put up wid no danged Yankee nonsense ta makin' fuhn a it, y'all got that? Taint ladee-like of y'all.

*Mahgahret and someone else having a muffled conversation in the background, then I get hung up on*

I reckoned that'd be that. But about a minute later, my phone rings again with a tell-tale long distance ring. I answer it:

Me: Hidy...wha' kin ah do fer yew?

*Voices in background*

Me: Hallllooooooo? Y'all thar, 'cuz ah'm h'yar an' ah kin h'yar y'all thar!

*phone disconnects*

Now I reckon that's that. But no....once more, after about a minute or so, again the phone rings with that distinctive long distance ring:

Me: Hidy...ah'm still h'yar iffen y'all still thar?

*disconnects*

And not another call from "Mahgahret", or anyone else from Who's Who Among Executives and Professionals.

Dagnabbit...ah wuz lookin' forewort ta askin' how ah'd git inclooded in thar book thang. Guess widda name like Jack N. Ewehoff, y'all knowd it's gotta be....that sumpin's up ;-)

PS: If they didn't like the phone call, wait 'til they get around to reading their email that I rewrote and sent back to them, and 25 scammers... ;-)

Who's Who Meets WTF -- I

*Writer's note: this is Blog Posting #600. Where else can you go to get 600 postings of absolute sh** like this? If you know a place, fuggetaboudit: you got me right 'chere*

I don't reckon the Who's Who folks are going to be near as impressed with me, as these cows seem to be udderly fascinated with her.

But I digress.

Yes, in 2007 or so, I was notified by Madison's Who's Who that I had been researched and selected as a candidate for their 2007 publication. I had been researched under my own name, but the quality of their research turned up dubious at best, as I sold them on my being of the International Crustacean Obedience Training Institute.

Their research department sucked (though I got some mileage and a blog entry out of it with two of their staff); but it wasn't about the research, anyway. It was about the fees to be included in the book.

Needless to say, I didn't get included in the book.

Now, Who's Who Among Executives and Professionals 2011 has sent me a similar invite.
*Yawn*

This particular publication -- when researched online -- has a ton of consumer complaints about 'em. Not that I needed to research 'em to know that. I know scam email when I get it.
Read their opening gambit, and tell me if you see what I seed:

You have recently been selected as a candidate to represent your professional community in this year's edition of Who's Who among Executives and Professionals. Your candidacy for membership was officially approved 5/18/2011. You have been selected based upon your professional experience and achievements, and as such, we believe that your profile makes a fitting addition to our publication (I don't know whether to LMAO or projectile vomit here).

There is no fee (BS) or obligation to be listed in our publication (tell that to the many consumers who have tried to get out of it and/or get their 'no fee' money back). We must receive verification from you that your profile is accurate. After receiving verification, we will validate your registry listing that your profile is accurate. After receiving verification, we will validate your registry listing within seven business days.

Once finalized, your listing will share prominent registry space with thousands of fellow accomplished individuals across the globe (who got had), each representing his or her professional field and geographical region. As a member of the registry, you are also afforded a unique networking opportunity with other professionals (who got suckered) and potential employers across a range of industries, as well as business coaching opportunities from industry experts. Of course, this unique accolade would be a welcome addition to any resume (if it were worth a sh**, which it ain't).

(at this point, I'm directed to click on a link to their website to verify my profile and accept my candidacy; there was no profile for me to verify there. I had to fill out a brief questionnaire, and more on that below, and they go on)

Our registration deadline is 5/25/2011 (I received this email on 6/8/2011). In order to guarantee your inclusion, your verification must be completed on or before this date (wanna bet?). On behalf of our committee, congratulations on your achievement and welcome to our association.
With best regards,
Jason Price, Vice President of Research Division

Now, this was sent to one of my email addresses; but no where on it did it have my name. So just what 'research' they did on me is anyones' guess. Moreover, there was no profile for me to verify; I filled out a quick lil' questionnaire, from which a 'researcher' would contact me about in a few weeks.

And from there, the fun will begin: according to the questionnaire I filled out, I am Jack N. Ewehoff, of Central City, Colorado, and I am the editor of Fixit Form Letters, a business correspondence letter consultant company (aka, my rewriting of email scam letters for fun and annoyance). So as to make it easy for their 'researcher', I listed my real home phone number as my 'bidness' number, and adjusted my voice message to reflect it, using my (un)patented 'redneck' voice.

Can I get past their 'researcher', and onto their no-fee (BS) pitchman?
Developing...

Time For Randomalities Again

It hasn't been a while since I've been random; that's a daily thang. But it's been a while since I've been random h'yar.

So:

1. Blackholes suck.

2. It is said that culture is good for people. Puh-LEASE: what did culture do for sour cream?

3. Before Atlas Shrugged....he farted.

3a. And in a full elevator.

4. Anthony Weiner and John Edwards will probably join Idiott Spitzer on CNN now.

4a. Their first guest will be the Sperminator.

5. Newt Gingrich is a bright guy. Then he opens his mouth and proves it's an illusion.

6. I still don't have any idea who hit Annie in the fanny with a flounder.

6a. But PETA sure wants to know. They're representing the flounder.

7. I've never seen a talking head in a restroom. Only in the media.

7a. At least the restroom ones serve a purpose.

8. My pet rock, Seymour, thought 'carbondating' was a great place to meet a new mate.

8a. He's still pissed at me for not correcting him before he contacted 'It's Just Lunch'...

9. I go through stages. If I'd lose weight, I could probably stop that...

10. A guy wakes up one day and every time he farts, it goes "honda honda honda". Doctor after doctor cannot tell him why every time he farts it comes out "honda honda honda". Finally, he sees a specialist in exotic diseases, who -- after a thorough exam -- yanks out one of his teeth. The guy demands to know why; the doctor says, "tooth has abscess". The guy demands to know what that has to do with his problem...the doctor says, "Abscess make the fart go honda!"

10a. *ducking boos and throwd whatever..*

11. I have convinced at least one Ghana-based scammer that carnivorous crotch crickets exist.

11a. I'd hate to meet anyone that he manages to scam...

12. A new checker at my local grocery store asked me the standard "did you find everything okay?" question; I responded with "no, I ruptured my spleen in the ketchup aisle".

12a. She didn't even smile.

13. If you go through a McDonalds drive-thru, and there's a line, and when you finally do get your order the cashier says "sorry about the wait", do they see what they just did there?

13a. Did you see what I just did there?

14. I just ate a bologna sandwich. Now I have gas.

14a. Why can't it be that easy for energy policy?

15. A blogging friend wrote of recently saving a wandering turtle from her backyard dawg. I asked her if the dawg had gotten the turtle, would that have constituted 'tort reform'.

15a. She still can't believe I wrote that.

15b. And I thought she knew me...

16. Deja nu: having a "I've done this sh** before and knew better" moment again...

17. Being a recent addition to the public transportation sphere, the other day a person behind me asked if I was getting on this bus. I responded "no, in it along with y'all".

17a. George Carlin would have been more amused than she was.

18. Did Mrs. Robinson sneeze in the song?

19. I haven't seen the movie Hangover. I'm still trying forget some of the stupid sh** I've done while acquiring my own.

20. Everytime I see one of those articulated city buses, I imagine that if Godzilla ever invades Denver, he'll grab up one of those buses, and break into a polka medley.

20a. I think multiple concussions are taking a toll on my imagination..

21. Being told by a close friend that she finds my being there "priceless" is...well...priceless.

21a. Now if I can just keep living up to that...

Words Mean Things...Except To The Illiterate

Sometimes, you re-write a scammer's email, and they aren't able to fathom the re-write.

And that's when the true 'fun' begins.

And so it was a little more than a week ago, when I got a brief email scam pitch from a character calling himself Aton Abtin, representing the Wolseley Group (wolseleytidingsgroups116@hotmail.com), pitching me a 'busnies porportion' (his typing) and requesting an 'medeate respond'.

My re-write went sumpin like this:

Cheese gratings to you. I am Aton Abtin, an infected intestinal polyp from the ass of Dr. Samuel Okoronji. I have a business prostitution to try to put over on you. Kindly don gloves and get back to me via my primate email of wolseleytidingsgroups116@hotmail.com as soon as you can figure out what I writ h'yar.

That went to Aton, and 20 of his peers.

Later that same day, I got the kind of reply from Aton that suggested he didn't read any of what I'd done to his email. Instead, it was a four paragraph pitch that went to the heart of his scam, concerning a proposed partnership over a company in Hong Kong, and a promise to me of 40% of an as-yet unspecified amount of money. The scam itself was nothing new, and I frankly found it uninspired, so I replied in a manner that I thought might catch his attention:

Dear Marie Aton-ette,

fallopian tubes do not work in an old-style TV. That said, galapagos hamster turds did not form the basis of the Easter Island egg hunt. Are your ears turning green? Fuggeddaboudit!

Later that same day, Aton writes back and sends me an 'informations applicate' requesting my name, address, phone #, age and occupation, and a request that I deal 'ethical and honesty with me to concude this our busness'.

I returned the completed application as one of my well-worn characters, Jack N. Ewehoff, and equally useless informations for the rest.

Again, Aton responded, and again, not to what I'd written. But after three emails, he finally noted a tagline on my emails. See, the email address that I use, I added to it a signature of a sort, that goes out with each and every email sent: "blackholes suck".

And it was this that finally caught Aton's limited attention span:

what do you meen by "blackholes suck"???

Simple question that deserved a simple answer:

It is a cosmic and physics fact: a blackhole is an imploded star that sucks the life and matter out of anything within its gravitational pull. Therefore, they "suck". It's only been the conclusion of every email I've sent you. But to business, how does this relate TO our business?

Aton is finally reading -- or his handlers are -- my emails:

is not relate to our busness but the terms was not theres in your first and secord emails. hope you are not try to mock around me? any way if you are not ready for the busness deal we can be friends ok?

WTF???? The wanker wants to be cyber pen pals???? *TOING*

I don't know anyone named mock. Did you contact me to give me the business, or to make friends in a manure foreign to me. Please dilapidate.

I know how to play WTF tennis, but Aton is still figgerin' it out:

i am not to understand your words. can we be friends.

Wasn't that a song by War, which I think I slaughtered the lyrics to in reply:

Why can't we be friends, why can't we be friends, why can't we be friends, why can't we be friennnndddssss...

I've seed you round here for a long long time,

I've gotten sick of all your bitch and whine...

That's why we're not friends, that's why we're not friends, that's why we're not friends, that's why we're not friends...

And I still don't know anyone named mock. You want to get to business or not?

I think I lost him, as will become apparent in the next few email exchanges:

what is meaned here of last messge? i am think you mock around me here.

Who the f*** is mock? What part of this business is he?

you confuse me with words you have. if you no want be frends dont write any more.

Confusing YOU with the words I have??? You're the one who wanted to do business, be friends, and introduced mock in here. Kindly make up your bed as to what the f*** it is you want out of the totalitarity of this multiclusterf***ial exchange. My syntax has a thigh cramp.

you are of not sense to me. dont write more i cant speak.

You want to learn to speak? Sh**, why didn't you say so? I can teach you to sit ... speak ... roll over... play dead ... play fetch ... and shake paws.

I guess Aton didn't want to learn how to do any of that last.

I hope the poor bastard was at least housebroken.

On More Than A Wing and A Prayer

Hundreds of thousands of words have been written about this day in history. A significant number of them by the dwindling numbers of veterans who were actually there, and lived it. I have nothing new words to add, so I'll let these accompanying images speak for themselves of what that morning was like, what it meant..and what it cost.

Sooplies, Sooplies!

I love it when a scammers asks me in email to do something, and I exceed his/her expectations in such a way as to leave him/her near speechless.

Actually, I tend to leave them totally speechless most of the time, so when they're able to say at least something, it's a bit more fun.

A recent email of note from an alleged "doctor" -- Dr. Justice Iheme, dr.justiceiheme@yahoo.co.uk -- came with the title of SUPPLY ORDER
and wanted me to provide him with a "catalogue of supplies" that I could arrange to send to him to sell for me in Ghana.

For an advanced commission fee, of course. A little different approach. End results the same ;-)

Now, I have a product list, of a sort: my totally made-up, completely unworkable product list from Bonco, UnInc, makers of things beyond merely ridiculous. But it was apparent that for Iheme's "needs", I would have to have more.

So I thunk up some, suitable for offering to Iheme, and 25 of his email scamming peers and colleagues. This is the rewritten email that went back under Iheme's name and email addy, to him and his colleagues:

DEAR SIR/MADAM/ANY VARIATIONS LEFT OUT,

I NEED SUPPLIES. ANY SUPPLIES. F***, I WOULD TAKE A SHIPMENT OF DEFECTIVE DILDOS, JUST TO RECEIVE SOMETHING. LIFE HERE IN GHANA SUCKS ANYTHING IMAGINABLE. IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE THAT, JUST ASK KWESI ASSOCIATE, AKA AAUSTAINO ON YAHOO CHAT...HE LOST HIS DORK HERE. AND THAT WAS A GOOD DAY FOR HIM.

THINGS WE NEED IN GHANA INCLUDE, BUT ARE NOT LIMITED TO:

BRASS SPONGES

VIRGINS

PORCUPINE ENEMA REMOVAL TOOLS

PAINFUL RECTAL ITCH SCRATCHERS

NOSE PICKERS

ROLLED TOILET PAPER TO SUBSTITUTE FOR FAX PAPER (WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE GOOD FOR?)

JACKALOPE ANTLER COAT RACKS

SHRUNKEN HEAD REVERSAL KITS

BIG HEAD TODD AND THE CANNIBALS MUSIC CDS

HIPPO LIPOSUCTION KITS

ARMY ANT DRILL TEAM UNIFORMS

ANY UNWORKABLE PRODUCT BY BONCO, UNINC

LEOPARD SPOT REMOVER

ANY 'FOR DUMMIES' BOOK ON HOW TO WRITE EFFECTIVE EMAIL SCAM LETTERS

BOTTLED PICKLED MEERKAT DORKS

CUPHOLDERS FOR KOMODO DRAGON SADDLES

ARTIFICIAL TEETH HAIR REMOVER

OZARKS HENS TEETH

AUTHENTIC SNAKE BREASTS

TARANTULA EARS BY THE PAIR

HUGO CHAVEZ HALLOWEEN MASKS

Like I said, we'll take ANY-F***ING-THING. YOU CAN CONTACT US AT:

JUSTICE CONSOR LTD, 69 KUMASI ROAD, ACCRA, GHANA

PHONE 233 268 645 733 (CALL ME BETWEEN MIDNIGHT AND 4AM MY TIME, CUZ I LOVE WORKING NIGHTS)

EMAIL: OFFICDESK@GMAIL.COM

Ask, and ye shall receive.

But sometimes, the scam letter originator isn't quite sure how to react when he gets more than he bargained on:

What is meaning of this? this is not what i sended you? what?

I love when a scammer's plan comes phfffft:

Whaddaya mean h'yah? You axed for sooplies. I send you big sooplies. Sooplies, sooplies. I sooplies you, yes?

u leav me alon u asshol.

What? You no like the sooplies, sooplies I sended you? You said you'd take anything.

But he didn't mean it; he wouldn't take any more repartee.

No 'sooplies' here ;-)