Sooplies, Sooplies!

I love it when a scammers asks me in email to do something, and I exceed his/her expectations in such a way as to leave him/her near speechless.

Actually, I tend to leave them totally speechless most of the time, so when they're able to say at least something, it's a bit more fun.

A recent email of note from an alleged "doctor" -- Dr. Justice Iheme, dr.justiceiheme@yahoo.co.uk -- came with the title of SUPPLY ORDER
and wanted me to provide him with a "catalogue of supplies" that I could arrange to send to him to sell for me in Ghana.

For an advanced commission fee, of course. A little different approach. End results the same ;-)

Now, I have a product list, of a sort: my totally made-up, completely unworkable product list from Bonco, UnInc, makers of things beyond merely ridiculous. But it was apparent that for Iheme's "needs", I would have to have more.

So I thunk up some, suitable for offering to Iheme, and 25 of his email scamming peers and colleagues. This is the rewritten email that went back under Iheme's name and email addy, to him and his colleagues:

DEAR SIR/MADAM/ANY VARIATIONS LEFT OUT,

I NEED SUPPLIES. ANY SUPPLIES. F***, I WOULD TAKE A SHIPMENT OF DEFECTIVE DILDOS, JUST TO RECEIVE SOMETHING. LIFE HERE IN GHANA SUCKS ANYTHING IMAGINABLE. IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE THAT, JUST ASK KWESI ASSOCIATE, AKA AAUSTAINO ON YAHOO CHAT...HE LOST HIS DORK HERE. AND THAT WAS A GOOD DAY FOR HIM.

THINGS WE NEED IN GHANA INCLUDE, BUT ARE NOT LIMITED TO:

BRASS SPONGES

VIRGINS

PORCUPINE ENEMA REMOVAL TOOLS

PAINFUL RECTAL ITCH SCRATCHERS

NOSE PICKERS

ROLLED TOILET PAPER TO SUBSTITUTE FOR FAX PAPER (WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE GOOD FOR?)

JACKALOPE ANTLER COAT RACKS

SHRUNKEN HEAD REVERSAL KITS

BIG HEAD TODD AND THE CANNIBALS MUSIC CDS

HIPPO LIPOSUCTION KITS

ARMY ANT DRILL TEAM UNIFORMS

ANY UNWORKABLE PRODUCT BY BONCO, UNINC

LEOPARD SPOT REMOVER

ANY 'FOR DUMMIES' BOOK ON HOW TO WRITE EFFECTIVE EMAIL SCAM LETTERS

BOTTLED PICKLED MEERKAT DORKS

CUPHOLDERS FOR KOMODO DRAGON SADDLES

ARTIFICIAL TEETH HAIR REMOVER

OZARKS HENS TEETH

AUTHENTIC SNAKE BREASTS

TARANTULA EARS BY THE PAIR

HUGO CHAVEZ HALLOWEEN MASKS

Like I said, we'll take ANY-F***ING-THING. YOU CAN CONTACT US AT:

JUSTICE CONSOR LTD, 69 KUMASI ROAD, ACCRA, GHANA

PHONE 233 268 645 733 (CALL ME BETWEEN MIDNIGHT AND 4AM MY TIME, CUZ I LOVE WORKING NIGHTS)

EMAIL: OFFICDESK@GMAIL.COM

Ask, and ye shall receive.

But sometimes, the scam letter originator isn't quite sure how to react when he gets more than he bargained on:

What is meaning of this? this is not what i sended you? what?

I love when a scammer's plan comes phfffft:

Whaddaya mean h'yah? You axed for sooplies. I send you big sooplies. Sooplies, sooplies. I sooplies you, yes?

u leav me alon u asshol.

What? You no like the sooplies, sooplies I sended you? You said you'd take anything.

But he didn't mean it; he wouldn't take any more repartee.

No 'sooplies' here ;-)