Thoughts On Defensive Dating

To be sure, this photo is from a science fiction episode of The Twilight Zone.

But it could just as easily be an example of the revelation of dating in barlighting. A tad more on that momentarily.

Some feller with the amusingly ironic last name of Dave Singleton, recently posted an article for Match.com on the subject of defensive dating, and how to recognize some of the signs that you might have lots of bad dates because you are a 'defensive' dater.

For example, one of the general indicators of a "defensive dater" is under the category of "the uncomfortable topic cringe". Which appears to be clearly displayed in the photo, as if the creature on the other side of the window just asked William Shatner that classic uncomfortable question, "new in town, sailor?". In the voice of Yoda.

I know a thing or two I've met in barlighting, but I digress.

Anyway, the article addresses tips that let one know that they might be a "defensive dater", and gives a series of tips to help one change their defensive dating behavior.

Well, the article writer did NOT interview the ultimate defensive dater for this article, so I reckon his information is, at best, incomplete. At worst, it's...incomplete.

The writer should have interviewed me.

I reckon that I am the ultimate "defensive dater": I haven't been on an actual 'date' since 2002. Now I ax ya...how much more defensive can one get?

It's on accounta cuz I'm a gentleman. And boring as watching paint dry. Why would I subject a woman I like to an evening of that? The reason I wouldn't subject a woman I don't like to it is just as rational: if I don't like her, why be around or spend money on her?

Ya gotta admit...I'm practical in a sorta thoughtful way.

And thanks to my even more pathetic pet rock, Seymour, I have more tips to help you be a better "defensive dater":

- a good first impression for the defensive dater is at a fast food restaurant. And when you're looking over the menu, pull out a calculator and tally the bill to the penny, letting her know that's all you can afford.

- show up wearing body armor. The helmet with the closeable face shield adds clarity to any "WTF?" thoughts a date might have at being so met. You don't need to include a battle ax, especially if her mother is around.

- upon arrival, don't bring her flowers, candy, etc...give her a list of 'talking points' for the evening. What's okay to bring up, and what ain't. Food, sex, and football are okay. Most everything else...*BUZZZZZZZZZER*. Any violation of the list, and she pays her own tab.

- don't be witty, funny, charismatic or any other kind of verbal firearm. A dull, thousand yard stare, with occasional drool out one side of the mouth, has never failed me in getting a totally bogus phone number, if I get that much.

- look repeatedly at your cell phone, and tell your 'date' that your mom expects you home early to clean the catbox.

- by all means, fart at the first embarrassing opportunity, and blame her.

Seymour had more stuff on the list, but offering your date as a human sacrifice to a volcano was more fitting 2,000 years ago; it's not always easy to keep a timeless rock thinking contemporarily.

BTW...this is what happens when your blog author has a night of 'writer's block' on his hands: crappy posts.

Told ya I wuz boring...