Who's Who Meets WTF -- II

In the last installment, I had been contacted by Who's Who Among Executives and Professionals, as a candidate to be included in their 2011 publication. Granted, the date I was to have responded by for inclusion, was May 25, 2001; I received the email from them on June 8.

Details, details. Scammers don't tend to sweat them, so I didn't reckon that I would, either.

Anyway -- as I did with another comparable publication in 2007 -- I filled out their candidate's questionnaire, only this time using one of my scambaiting characters, and making up a business wherein I "fixed business correspondence for clients".

In other words, my current tactic of re-writing scammer emails, and sending them back to the scammers, for fun and death threats.

In 2007, I was astonished (at first) when I heard back from that publication, after what I'd written in the questionnaire. I was even more astonished after I was interviewed on the phone, and the 'researcher' didn't question anything about my job as a crustacean research analyst for the International Crustacean Obedience Training Institute. All they cared about was getting me to commit paying them for my being included in their publication.

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER* I didn't wind up getting included. Sore heads.

In 2011, I was therefore NOT astonished when a few days after I filled out the similar questionnaire, using the name of Jack N. Ewehoff, to receive a call from what claimed to be a woman, but sounded like a man, and went by the name of "Mahgahret" -- Margaret, I 'spose, pronounced New Yawk style -- purporting to represent the "Research Department" of Who's Who Among Executives And Professionals. A call that I answered in my pseudo-redneck voice. The following is as best as I can recall the conversation, which I hurriedly scribbled down at the conclusion:

Me: Hidy...Fixit Form Letters h'yar. How kin ah hep yew?

Mahgahret: Ahh, hello. My name is Mahgahret (couldn't catch the last name) representing the Research Department for Who's Who Among Executives and Professionals. Is this Mr. Jack Ewehoff (she's pronouncing it "weehoff", so it's going waaaaaaaaay over her head)?

Me: Who're yew tryin' ta reach h'yar?

Mahgahret: I'm trying to reach, uh, Mr. Jack...Weehoff (her mispronounciation)?

Me: Ah dunno no Jack Weehoff. But ah'm knowd as Jack Ewehoff, iffen ah'll do fer ye.

Mahgahret: My apologies, Mr...uhh, did you say "Ewehoff"?

Me: Yawp, ma'am, ah shore did. What kin ah do fer yew?

Mahgahret: Uh...perhaps I..uh...is this (and she asks me to verify the number she called).

Me: Yawp, y'all got me h'yar 'cuz y'all called me h'yar. Nawh, what kin ah do fer yew?

Mahgahret: Well...I was calling you, Mr. Ewehoff, because I wanted to congratulate you on being accepted in the 2011 edition of Who's Who Among Executives and Professionals.

Me: Wahl, that's right neighborly of y'all. Thank ye.

Mahgahret: I've got just a few additional questions about your profile to verify that we have your information correct for the publication. Do you have a few minutes?

Me: Ma'am, ah hope ah gots more'n a few minutes h'yar...go righ' ahaid an' ask wha'evah yore lil' ol' heart desires...

Mahgahret: uh...sir, you're kind of hard to understand..

Me: Danged if mah four ex-wives didn' think th' same danged thang. But horsefeathers, us fellers is easy ta unnerstand, once y'all figger that we like football, sex, 'n gittin' fed..

Mahgahret: Mr. Ewehoff, that's not what I meant...(talking to someone in background)

Me: Wazzdat Missy? Didn' h'yar wha' y'all said thar...

Mahgahret: Uh..(again sounds like she's talking to someone in the background)..uh, how do you pronounce your name again?

Me: How ah always pro-nownce mah name...ah'm Jack N. Ewehoff. Same way ah always sez it an' been knowd as.

Mahgahret: Uh...and you say you're the editor of Fixit Form Letters, located in Central City, Colorado?

Me: Y'all got that cooo-rect. Ah be hisself.

*Mahgahret and someone else in background talking; couldn't make out what was being said*

Mahgahret: Uh, sir, are you..uh...is this a...are you serious?

Me: Ahm ah seryous 'bout what, Ma'am?

Mahgahret: Well, uh...sir, your name..

Me: Wha' bout mah name, Ma'am? Y'all gots a problem widdit?

Mahgahret: Is this some kind of joke?

Me: *fake sounding annoyed* Ma'am, y'all tryin' ta make lihwt a wha' mah folks named me h'yar?

Mahgahret: Sir, this is a serious business here, and I don't have time...

Me: Ah'll tell yew wha'...y'all starts ta makin' fuhn o' mah auntie-ceedence, an' ah'm apt ta fergit yore a ma'am h'yar. (Mahgahret starts to try to interrupt, but ah'm onna roll h'yar).. Looky h'yar, ah'm proud a mah name an' ain't gonna put up wid no danged Yankee nonsense ta makin' fuhn a it, y'all got that? Taint ladee-like of y'all.

*Mahgahret and someone else having a muffled conversation in the background, then I get hung up on*

I reckoned that'd be that. But about a minute later, my phone rings again with a tell-tale long distance ring. I answer it:

Me: Hidy...wha' kin ah do fer yew?

*Voices in background*

Me: Hallllooooooo? Y'all thar, 'cuz ah'm h'yar an' ah kin h'yar y'all thar!

*phone disconnects*

Now I reckon that's that. But no....once more, after about a minute or so, again the phone rings with that distinctive long distance ring:

Me: Hidy...ah'm still h'yar iffen y'all still thar?

*disconnects*

And not another call from "Mahgahret", or anyone else from Who's Who Among Executives and Professionals.

Dagnabbit...ah wuz lookin' forewort ta askin' how ah'd git inclooded in thar book thang. Guess widda name like Jack N. Ewehoff, y'all knowd it's gotta be....that sumpin's up ;-)

PS: If they didn't like the phone call, wait 'til they get around to reading their email that I rewrote and sent back to them, and 25 scammers... ;-)