How "Coud" I?

It's about a week in time from the beginning to the conclusion of this series of correspondence. And as exemplified in the post title, the end question posed to me by the scammer is easy, for anyone who reads this blog somewhat regularly.

About a week and a half ago, I received a short email entitled Beloved, and it went like this:

i have asked God to guide me in my times and to me he has sended me you email address. so it is with no fear that i write to you because God fills my heart with love and he guides me to you so i know you are the one who will lift me from the present. i await your respond. With love, Faith Jama

Included was the email address of jama.faith@yahoo.com. Fine.

But just who was God referring her to? My name isn't "undisclosed recipients". Unless God knows something that I don't. Actually, He knows a few hundred thousand terrabyte drives of stuff I don't, and I digress.

Anyway, it wasn't much to work with, but I sent her back -- from my rewrite scam emails account -- a short reply, and shared it with 20 of her colleagues. It went like this:

Hi. My name is Faith Jama, and I have a vaginal yeast infection. That's probably TMI, but I don't care. I say what I feel, and I feel really itchy and bitchy right now. Send me emails and tell me how to relieve this sh**. Someone, ANYONE. And that's the last time I mix a night out on the town, alcohol, and three peckered goats on a dare. Sheesh.

That garnered me a reply from Faith. One with her picture attached. And a reply that proved she didn't read what I wrote; she only cared that I replied:

Email Title: Sweetie

It warm my heart to hear you, my heart accept you from the very first time i don't know what you have done to me to make me feel like this (I suggested you had a vaginal yeast infection, that's what I dun). God send me to you and just to you and you are now my frend i can trust and talk to. i need to open my hearte to you as my helper and for your help i will give you more when we are join (she can keep her yeast infection).

To spare you all of the syrupy in-error syntax, here's the gist of her reply: i am in refugee camp in Senegal and you are my hope to be free and find love my life is not having. i have inhertance from dead parents but cant not get to it without your help now and as two who are join by God i pleadg you my inhertance and my love for your help. i like to sing cook walk on beach and live for love. i send you picture of me hope it plese you yes?

And she included this phone number for me to call right away -- 221-772093435 -- and ask for Faith when "the Rev answer".

I'll get right on that. Or actually, I'll see if I can get one of 25 of her colleagues to get right on that, as I again donned my 'rewrite hat', removed her photo, replaced it with the unspeakable one above, and sent back to her and her peers:

Email Title: OMG Is This What I Look Like?

OMG, I never knew I could look so bad in a picture like this!!! My big fat ass looks even bigger than any photoshop program could enhance! What the f*** did you do to me, Dr. Samuel Okoronji (another of the scammers copied on this email who has threatened me three times now for what I did to his emails, and the dozens of others I pour into his scam box)? You were supposed to liposuction it, not ENLARGE IT!!!

And why are you 'riding' me (refer to obvious replacement picture)? I don't know what you done to make me feel this way, but I am very upset that you have posted this picture of me for everyone in fly-infested internet cafe to look at and laugh. Granted, I am one skanky-lookin beeyotch. But still. How am I supposed to dupe someone into falling for my 'need a foreign man' scam, and get money from them, when you make me look like Goodyear Blimp?

I need real and sincere friend that I can trust and talk to, because I have kept secret for too long that I eat 20 lbs of ham three times a day. You'd never know it to see me, I know.

Did you know I once had a boyfriend? I accidentally misplaced him, and thought he had run out on me. Come to find, two months later, that he was trapped in the crack of my ass. He was pretty ripe and flat by then. My bad.

Sometimes the world seems to be upside down. Then I meet someone and sit on them, and I get the strangest sensations when they try to wriggle out of there. It's weird, in a kinky sort of way.

I have so much of me to tell you, as you can see. About how I was originally violated by a Great Dane, and I have not been the same ever since, that is why in picture I am on all fours. Ask me, and I'll bark like a dog for you. Woof woof. Me good dog. Just don't get too close when I wag my ample tail.

I like to lay on beach, but lately, these long-haired weirdos from some group called Greenpeace, go into a frenzy when they see me, and try to push me into the water. What is that about?

Please call me at the number I gave you before and tell the pedophile who answers that you want to talk to Faith the petite. He won't believe it, but he'll let me know and I'll get to the phone as long as I'm not noshing on one of my 20 lbs of ham meals. Priorities, you know.

Would she, or her handlers, read THIS response, and draw the proper conclusion from the attached photo?

As her reply indicated, nawp. Here again is the gist of it: my great love you have make my heart sing to know you respond to me. God gave me you and i am so happy to know that we will soon be together once you have retreve my inhertance and will send for me to your country.

Yada, yada...yada. Four paragraphs worth.

Okay, so (a) she isn't reading my replies and rewrites (b) her handlers aren't either and (c) none of the other receiving scammers are tipping her off. Might be afraid that, after seeing that photo, tipping her could cause an earthquake and tsunami somewhere.

No biggie (see what I just did there?). I am many things, including flatulent, but that's for later. I take her latest syrupy reply, and revamp the snarf out of it, returning it to her and the very same 25 other colleagues of hers:

As I read all you write to me, I am remembered to think about the time I was assigned, as a still-virgin, to read all the comments on the bathroom walls in the soldier's barracks. This led me to do a paper on "2591 Reasons I Should Have Stayed In Oshkosh", since most of the comments were badly written, poorly spelled, and referred to unspeakable sex acts with emus.

Sucks to be an emu in these parts when the regiment is on maneuvers, but I digress.

I don't know why I trust you, since I heard that you spread crotch crickets to goat herds in nearby villages, but I have to trust someone, so I pick you.

My life in this email is like a tourists' guide to Toledo: I am from Zimbabwe but I live in Senegal now, and I have plans to spread my ample self out to Nigeria, Cote D'Ivore, Uganda, Kenya, Chad, maybe even Libya. Lots of soldiers there right now, and I can have a blast, figuratively and literally.

I don't believe in the biblical God, otherwise I wouldn't be trying to scam people who're stupid enough to respond to my bogus emails. But last night, I prayed to the 12" long rubber emu doll in my tent, that doubles for a dildo when I get bored, and I have prayed for a new emu doll, because this one's getting pretty sticky.

Life is not too good for me here, since I'm over 500 lbs and my emu dildo is sticky. Please...is it true that in your country, you have stores that sell battery operated dildos tht don't have the shape of emus? That is so like...wow. I want one. F***, I want a dozen. But I need batteries, too. A sh**load of them.

Please try all your possible best to send me money for me, and use some more of your money to buy me some battery-powered dildos. I am not alright here, I walk funny because of my shape and because that emu beak on the dildo catches all the time and I am really sore there.

You are my hero forever, you send me non-emu-shaped, battery operated dildos.

After that, a whole day elapsed with nothing. Then, evidence that someone FINALLY read what I had been rewriting on Faith's behalf, and bothered to tell Faith:

how coud you do this? i put trust in you and you write things as me that i not say and send them to who??? you are not nice mans. dont not contact me more ok.

Naturally -- because I respect the fairer sex, except when 'she' is trying to scam me -- I respected her wishes and replied to her and her 25 colleagues:

Thank you for letting me know my dildo and battery order is on the way. Just thinking about getting them sends chills up my spine that shake the ground for a mile in every direction. Keep in touch with me and tell me all about myself, and please, share it with everyone online you can find. I want them to see me. Sh**, please send my information and photo to America's Got Talent and American Idol!! I am all for exposure...and is there ever a load of me to expose!!!

Nothing further from Faith Jama, any of her colleagues, or the Emu Dildo Defense Fund. Yet.