Time For Randomalities Again

It hasn't been a while since I've been random; that's a daily thang. But it's been a while since I've been random h'yar.

So:

1. Blackholes suck.

2. It is said that culture is good for people. Puh-LEASE: what did culture do for sour cream?

3. Before Atlas Shrugged....he farted.

3a. And in a full elevator.

4. Anthony Weiner and John Edwards will probably join Idiott Spitzer on CNN now.

4a. Their first guest will be the Sperminator.

5. Newt Gingrich is a bright guy. Then he opens his mouth and proves it's an illusion.

6. I still don't have any idea who hit Annie in the fanny with a flounder.

6a. But PETA sure wants to know. They're representing the flounder.

7. I've never seen a talking head in a restroom. Only in the media.

7a. At least the restroom ones serve a purpose.

8. My pet rock, Seymour, thought 'carbondating' was a great place to meet a new mate.

8a. He's still pissed at me for not correcting him before he contacted 'It's Just Lunch'...

9. I go through stages. If I'd lose weight, I could probably stop that...

10. A guy wakes up one day and every time he farts, it goes "honda honda honda". Doctor after doctor cannot tell him why every time he farts it comes out "honda honda honda". Finally, he sees a specialist in exotic diseases, who -- after a thorough exam -- yanks out one of his teeth. The guy demands to know why; the doctor says, "tooth has abscess". The guy demands to know what that has to do with his problem...the doctor says, "Abscess make the fart go honda!"

10a. *ducking boos and throwd whatever..*

11. I have convinced at least one Ghana-based scammer that carnivorous crotch crickets exist.

11a. I'd hate to meet anyone that he manages to scam...

12. A new checker at my local grocery store asked me the standard "did you find everything okay?" question; I responded with "no, I ruptured my spleen in the ketchup aisle".

12a. She didn't even smile.

13. If you go through a McDonalds drive-thru, and there's a line, and when you finally do get your order the cashier says "sorry about the wait", do they see what they just did there?

13a. Did you see what I just did there?

14. I just ate a bologna sandwich. Now I have gas.

14a. Why can't it be that easy for energy policy?

15. A blogging friend wrote of recently saving a wandering turtle from her backyard dawg. I asked her if the dawg had gotten the turtle, would that have constituted 'tort reform'.

15a. She still can't believe I wrote that.

15b. And I thought she knew me...

16. Deja nu: having a "I've done this sh** before and knew better" moment again...

17. Being a recent addition to the public transportation sphere, the other day a person behind me asked if I was getting on this bus. I responded "no, in it along with y'all".

17a. George Carlin would have been more amused than she was.

18. Did Mrs. Robinson sneeze in the song?

19. I haven't seen the movie Hangover. I'm still trying forget some of the stupid sh** I've done while acquiring my own.

20. Everytime I see one of those articulated city buses, I imagine that if Godzilla ever invades Denver, he'll grab up one of those buses, and break into a polka medley.

20a. I think multiple concussions are taking a toll on my imagination..

21. Being told by a close friend that she finds my being there "priceless" is...well...priceless.

21a. Now if I can just keep living up to that...

Randomosities Wunst Agin

It was time, wunst agin, to let mental randomosity fly in the face of reason, and see what sticks to the wall*. Without any foithah adieu:

1. Referring to the photo at right, apparently no one pictured thought about 'taking one for the team'.
1a. That's probably why they weren't in the Doritos Super Bowl commercial or March Madness tournament...*BUZZZER* forfeit.

2. In factoring the schemes of mice and men, men are 5-0.

3. Speaking of March Madness, doesn't it suck when your whole, carefully crafted bracket picks, are unhinged at the outset by a team from a place called "Morehead State"?

4. Bill Maher is desperately vying with Michael Mooron to out-moron each other.

5. Compare the conduct of the Japanese people, directly affected by the 9.0 quake, tsunami, and nuclear power disaster, to the fourteen Democrat Wisconsin state senators and their union thug allies during the Wisconsin state budget crisis. Yeah, I know it's a bad comparison: the latter never even tried to measure up to the former.

6. I have declared a 'no-fly zone' in my apartment, and have a fly swatter to enforce it. Don't even try me, Flyddafi.

7. I was re-certified in CPR/AED the other day. How do they know I 'passed': the dummy's still dead.

8. Being unemployed sucks.
8a. It sucked so much, it made me go get a job.

9. I have some awesome friends and family. Just sayin'.

10. Psoriasis of nasal warts sucks. Glad I don't have it/any.

11. My former employer no longer has to worry about me on April 1.
11a. My new employer does...

12. It is really going to suck if there's no NFL season in 2011.

13. Unluckily for the NFL, I'll just make do with college football ;-)

14. The intellectual quality of the email scammers that I bait has significantly deteriorated.
14a. Now they're almost as stupid as the SEIU.

15. A friend recently told me that she didn't know what she felt like for dinner. I offered to find out.
15a. I didn't get to...

16. Another friend asked me to help her replace a door bell in her house. After I wired it up and was about to test it, the phone rang. I told her I didn't mean to do that. She's still laughing.
16a. She told a friend that she wanted a ding-dong to to fix her ding-dong. She had a point.
16b. It works, despite me.

17. Dammit, I knew I forgot something at the store.
17a. Worse dammit, I can't remember what I forgot.

18. They're holding online tryouts to find a new voice of the AFLAC Duck. Required for all prospective candidates, is on-off the job conduck that is in keeping with what AFLAC considers quacked up to their standards. AFter having just finished an order of Chinese crispy duck, I think I LAC the necessary life conDUCK to take a QUACK at this.
18a. I was out of duct tape, anyway.

19. My car needs gas.
19a. Too bad it can't use what works for me: about anything.

20. A medical research report says that if you're not in shape, sex is three times more likely to kill you.
20a. In shape or not, being hit by a falling safe is a billion times more likely to kill you.
20b. Unless you're animated.

21. So, the dysfunctional Ninth (short) Circuit Court of Appeals has struck down the 2005 'Stolen Valor Act' passed by Congress; in essence, the Court says that lying is protected by the First Amendment.
21a. The next tsunami really needs to take this court.

22. Have you ever tried to make a corsage out of pork rinds? Neither have I.
22a. I'll bet someone has...

23. My toaster fried.
23a. Maybe I shouldn't have tried to thaw frozen manicotti in there...

24. The elderly Chinese delivery dude -- after delivering my last order -- windedly informed me that I have "49 steps" (from parking lot to my door). I told him he needed to look for a shorter intervention program.
24a. He didn't get it...

* maybe it's high time I wipe off the walls..?

Randomality in Da New Yahr

Having left behind 2010, the sign covers that, too.

Okay, it's time for some more randomness as I allow my thought processes to go into free "fuhgeddaboudit":

1. There's nothing wrong with unemployment, that re-employment won't fix eventually.

1a. Except taxation, dammit.

2. Go Green Bay!

3. I like the original Law & Order (TOS).

3a. Which is good, 'cuz I can't get it from politicians.

4. No matter where you go, you'll probably smell it.

5. I made spagetti.

5a. It cost me one of the few remaining pans I had.

6. I walked around the local mall for an hour with a beautiful woman; staying in her 'six', she never realized it.

6a. And I don't have the bruises, to prove it.

7. After a trip to Washington, DC, my pet rock, Seymour, is pondering a run for the presidency.

7a. There will be no platform demanding reparations for Seymour's geologic relations, used as cat box filler.

8. Bradley Manning -- the US Military insider benefactor of Wikileaks -- is a traitorous sh**.

9. Anyone willing to bet that Brett Favre will stay retired for his 3rd and final time?

9a. Didn't think so...

10. Intelligence reports suggest that the Chinese are gearing up for war.

10a. I won't buy any more of their pupu platters, if it's with us.

11. Having a collosal conglomerated mass of solidified mucus, sucks. Glad I don't.

12. Is there really anyone that thinks Michael Moore is operating on more than two brain cells?

13. I am not putting porcupine sushi on my 'bucket list'.

14. I heard the radio commercial of the pigeons playing ragtime piano with their beaks. They sounded good.

14a. Too good, actually; I'm sure it was a cat chasing a mouse across the keys...

15. I'm sure that a mime as a radio traffic reporter is unheard of.

16. Season 10 of American Idol is about 9 seasons past enough.

17. One episode of anything featuring Eliot Spitzer is 60 minutes past enough.

18. I'm still cancelling my cable after football season's over.

18a. Especially since the History Channel sold out history to endless episodes of Ice Truckers.

19. Former speaker Bela Pelosi must have been grounded; I found her broom.

19a. And hid it.

20. Kudos to Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords on her amazing progress toward recovery.

20a. 10 billions tons of compost to The Daily Kos and Paul Krugman, for grotesquely lying about the rest of the story.

21. I found a psychic eggroll. It showed up already eaten.

22. I learned how to drive a stick: put wheels on it.

23. I also learned how to keep bees from driving you buggy: lock u buggy and hide the keys.

23a. I was smart enough to duck the boos and throwd joke books after that one...

24. If I'm right-handed and left-footed, does that make me libertarian?

25. A friend told me that they're experiencing bitter cold in Iowa; I didn't know my ex-fiancee had moved there.

26. Years ago, I spent hours trying to find the 'z' in xylophone.

26a. I can't believe I just admitted that....

27. Old habits are hard to break; just ask a nun.

I return you now to your own individualized randomality. This concludes this *FAIL* of mine.

A Year In Rearview

And that about sums up Bill Mahar's thoughts on November 2. And covers his IQ.

2010 was quite a year. By many measures, not a great one. But that's life. We've seen better; we've weathered worse.

I'm putting 2010 in my rearview mirror.

And along with that, a few other random thoughts:

- Okay, it's snowing big time in the Northeast. It's winter...duh. How's that man-made global warming workin' out fer ye?

- 2010 will go down as the third consecutive year that Brett Favre should have stuck to retirement.

- Bronco fans are all in a thither over rookie QB Tim Tebow's first two starts (he's 1-1). Small wonder; a 4-11 season had little else to get athither about. Ever the eternal pragmatist, I think next season will be a major step forward if they manage an 8-8 season.

- as for the rest of Denver's sports teams...it is what it is. Though...the Colorado Rapids (soccer) did win their league championship. *Yawn*. But good on them, especially doing it without the Vuvuzela Monotony Choir.

- I was told that I should feel guilty about getting to keep my tax rate cut (from '03) for two more years. There must be something wrong with my guilt emotifier...I don't ;-)

- once again, God Bless the US Military. Past, present, future. You guys and gals all rock. Thank you.

- I hope everyone who loves Christmas, had a Merry one. I hope everyone who labors to eliminate Christmas from public view, had a Merry nothing, and develop painful rectal itch. Yeah, I know: that may not be very Christian of me, but it beats a religion that advocates strapping on a satchel charge, and blowing up women and kids in market places. Just sayin.

- My New Year resolutions haven't changed from 2010; as I said 'afore, I didn't accomplish a one of them. So they'll still viable for the same level of (un)achievement in '11.

- Though, I did promise to not fart in an elevator, and blame the service dog that was riding with the rest of us, ever again. If I can avoid riding an elevator with another service dog, that resolution is doable.

- My pet rock, Seymour, remains 90 friends ahead of me on Facebook. What that says, requires no further elucidation...

- to a couple emailers who do NOT do their research: I am NOT the same person by that name that made the sucky movie Pearl Harbor. Stop emailing me and asking for parts in future bad movies.

- though, it was kinda fun to write back and do my impression of Simon Cowell...

- after over 10 years of scambaiting, the inflow of messages has almost run dry. *Whew*. Now I can concentrate on something else. Danged if I know what.

Okay, 2011, it's your turn. Your days are numbered, so make 'em count.

Happy New Year.

Random Amok

I have no idea what's gonna be writ h'yar.

So hang onto your syntax, since mine ain't wearin' a seat belt.

1. Regarding all the current hoopla about the TSA and 'Rape (or) GropeGate', since I haven't flown anywhere since May '01, and have no plans to venture anywhere that my four-wheeled steed can't git me to, I say only this: if I could be assured that my scanner opt-out would result in getting groped by Shania Twain, Sarah Palin, or Jenna Lee of Fox News...hell, I'd book a flight to Newark. Nothing says I have to board the plane...

2. Bad as things have been in Broncoland this season, it could be worse: we could have Brett Favre throwing his junk here, instead of at a Jet's sideliner, or for the Vikings.

3. No matta how bad any of the teams I follow are doing, it's friggin' football: I'd watch the nuns of St. Dipstick play the Girl Scouts of Troop Fuggedaboudit, long as there's hits and trash talk.

4. Despite how bad things are in Califorlornia, too many of the voters there supported digging the hole deeper and deeper. Then, turned around and rejected legalizing marijuana, right when getting high was the only illusional relief they're gonna find. The legals are going to be fleeing to Arizona soon.

5. Seymour's been hit on by a Russian bride scammer, "Olga". She's blonde, cute...and her picture's crossed my scambaiting radar screens before, under different names. Olga wrote to Seymour, but called him "Jerome". Obviously, the Russkies haven't gotten the word out about how Jerome "Curly" Howard was responding to Russian scammers from beyond the grave. Maybe a pet rockski will do better? I doubt it.

6. Painful rectal itch sucks. Glad I don't have it.

7. Seymour's had a good year: came back from Ohio. Went to Texas. Got married. Got mentioned in the acknowledgments of a book sequel. Went to North Carolina. Got in trouble with his spouse. Is going to spend Thanksgiving in Loveland, and then is off to Virginia. Seymour ain't scared of the TSA. He goes UPS Ground. TSA, neener.

8. It's snowing in the mountains. It isn't snowing here. Mountains is that way, yetis.

9. I don't give a damn who hit Annie in the fanny with a flounder. I don't know the flounder.

10. A door knob is smarter than Joy Behar.

11. Thank you, US Military, both active and retired. Never 'nuff said on that.

12. Dear Comcast: I'll be cancelling my cable in February. No cable when there's no football. It's against my religious billing cycle.

12a. Painful nose hair boogers suck. Glad I don't have any.

13. Save the whales: prohibit them from migrating through a forest during logging operations.

14. O'Reilly, when you ask a question, SHUT UP and let 'em answer it, m'kay? When they start being evasive, THEN pin their ears back.

15. Olbermann, just freakin' SHUT UP. You're a moron. Providing more proof is unnecessary redundance.

16. I won a free trip in a raffle, to hunt with Dick Cheney. I'm not using it.

16a. Painful in-grown ear hair sucks. Glad I don't have any.

17. 2011 will be the Year That Followed 2010.

17a. I'm not buying a 2011 calendar; my 2010 one worked just fine.

18. I took a quiz on Facebook that said I would die in 2013. Fine. I won't have to pay taxes that year. Phffffft.

19. My pet rock brags he's got more friends on Facebook than I do. That's true; and in the past two weeks, he's lost more than I have. To quote a reader, *snerx*.

20. I left a bunch of chocolate at work. It's locked up. Mwhahahahahaha.

21. It is said that with age comes wisdom. My wisdom was surgically removed -- all four teeth -- in '83. The rest makes sense since then.

22. My smoke detectors need new batteries; too much speed dialing the Culinary Crisis Center this year. After years of neglecting the core problem, I'll look into fixing it this year, with longer-lasting batteries.

23. To family and friends who've whupped cancer this year: you rock.

24. A coworker walked up to me on 11/20/10 and thanked me for saving his life one year ago. All I did was ask a few questions and make a phone call. Others did the hard and important parts.

25. My 19" color Panasonic TV still works. When converted to human from electronics years, it's celebrating it's 100th birthday. Hope it doesn't fall and break a hip changing channels.

26. I could have a few more, but I started getting lame at #1.