Time Travel: Wit vs Wisdom

*From the archives yet again...or from the future. We're not sure at this point, but fitting to review on the cusp of a new year and end of the first decade in the New Millennium...speaking of the future, this is the last posting in this blog for 2009...beyond that..?*

Time travel. The stuff that dreams, legends, fantasies, science fiction and entertainment are made of. Perhaps, if we manage to outlast our more primal notions in the New Millennium and continuing Nuclear Age, Mankind will live to see the genuine advent of time travel.

Or maybe we already have.

Makes you wonder, doesn't it? Perhaps, as in The Terminator, someone from the future has already paid us a visit in our present (their distant past). Maybe they've changed a future outcome for the better. Or worse.

We won't even know when (or if) it happens, if it was meant to be as it is. Or as it was and now isn't. Let alone, if it now isn't, and someone else comes back to 'fix it' back the way it was intended. Kinda makes the head spin ala Congress and their hellthscare 'reform'.

Time travel, of course, could be a wonderful thing: travel back to see how things truly were, be it a historical event that's shrouded in the mystery of time (for instance, the siege of Troy from Homer's Iliad, as well as being able to photograph and preserve many of the historical and no-longer extant writings by the renowned philosophers of the time), or see the world at the time of it's birth, or during the heyday of the dinosaurs (without becoming the hay they dine upon). See the reality of the Last Supper; witness the death of Pompeii in 79AD; observe the reality of the Knights of the Round Table; be present at the signing of the Magna Carta; or the landing of the pilgrims at Plymouth Rock. Photograph the actual Colossus of Rhodes -- one of the Eight Wonders of the World -- before it was destroyed by an earthquake almost 2300 years ago. Be present at the signing of the Declaration of Independence, or see the West as Lewis and Clark saw it in the early 19th Century.

Or go ahead a few centuries, and see where we have evolved, if we found the wisdom to. Pretty heady, compelling stuff.

Of course, there's a caveat to it: being able to see the events as they occurred, and not affecting their outcome in the process. Being able to witness the events as they occur, without mixing with or changing them or the world they're a part of, would be mandatory.

Wouldn't it?

Granted, Scottie and Dr. McCoy got away with it in Star Trek IV; so did Admiral (before and after Captain) Kirk, who had to get hisself a girl friend from the 1980s, since the ones in the 23rd Century already knew his schtick. What they did, didn't seem to have a negative impact on the immediate future beyond the 1980s.

Or maybe it did. More on that in a mo'.

Let's be honest: how many of you have farted in an eleva...er...oops, wrong subject. Who hasn't dreamt of going back in time to undo a misdeed, mistake or misstep? In Robert Heinlein's Door Into Summer, a taken-advantage-of inventor and his precocious cat get just that opportunity. He gets to go back, knowing (too late the first time) of the treachery of his trusted associate and spouse, and fix everything a second time around (before they can spring the treachery). He then gets to return to the future (via the frozen sleep method) with his cat, and even winds up getting to marry his cherished niece as a bonus.

Which could bring me to an aside about Arkansas and in-breeding, but I digress. So I'll stick to the real key issue that time travel would present, philosophically and practically: wit vs wisdom.

The wit comes from various TV, movie and novel stories of time travel and what can and does happen in the imaginary world. Dr. McCoy inadvertently affected history from 1935 onward in a Star Trek episode (The City on the Edge of Forever), wiping out the 'present' in the 23rd Century, by changing the past with the act of saving one life; an act that Captain-Admiral-Captain Kirk had to rectify, to the continual detriment of his acting/singing lessons and forever-frustrated love life (possibly fixed in the 1980s, as aforenoted). The Three Stooges inadvertently went back to Greek antiquity, but didn't start a millennium of eye pokes, slaps and nyuk nyuk nyuks until the 1930s. We think.

In the short-lived but memorable TV series The Time Tunnel (1966-1967, 30 episodes), Drs. Newman and Phillips started out by trying to alter the outcome aboard the RMS Titanic; they failed. Or did they? Was the RMS Titanic meant to sink, as a result of an iceberg collision, or did their attempt at intervention from the future cause the crew to be distracted, and not taking action they would have otherwise taken to avoid the disaster? In any event, what if Drs. Newman and Phillips hadn't failed? What might be different today?

What if the USS Nimitz in the late 1970s, had actually encountered a magnetic time storm, propelling them back to December 6, 1941, and they knew of the pending attack by the Japanese against Pearl Harbor (as theorized in a movie, The Final Countdown). What should they have done about it? And what affect would it have had on subsequent history? How different might today's world be, if such were the case?

What impact, millennia later, might one have if visiting the Jurassic Period, and inadvertently stepping on one bug that otherwise wasn't stepped on then? Would you return to the world as you left it, or something vastly different?

Marty McFly and Doc Brown got away (perhaps) with time meddling in a De Lorean; Dr. Sam Beckett got away with making changes for the better in the lives of ordinary individuals for 97 episodes of Quantum Leap; the Three Stooges perhaps pulled it off while dropping a BC-era Roman tyrant off in front of a charging Souix war party in the 1870s, without significant alteration of the status quo. At least, as far as we know (who's to say, since they did this in 1962, and we don't know if what followed was meant to have followed).

Far as I know, three technicians from the Bonco, UnInc Labs, that took out for a test spin my All About Time Accelerator/Decelerator & Travel Device by Bonco, haven't yet affected the future or the present...then again, I don't know if they've gotten there. They may be making a muck of the past. Or of the shed in your backyard, as they just flew through it, screaming all the way.

Is today the result of history as we know it, or the result of time travel and meddling -- for better or worse -- by Gary Seven and Miss Lincoln, which in turn may or may not have been affected by Kirk and Spock's intervention from a century two-three in the future from our own? How can we know? When can we know, if ever?

If time travel hasn't already come to a time period during or either side of you, perhaps it may, soon. How will it affect us, if or when it does? And if you get the opportunity...should you take it?

Like, for example...there's that ad floating around the Internet (Wanted: somebody to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. PO Box 322, Oakland CA 93022. You'll get paid when we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.). It's probably a scammer, like AlGore's AGW nonsense. Then again...what if the time travel in the ad actually works?

And, of course, there's the current debate about the Mayan Calendar, and it's "end" on December 21, 2012, and what it "means". Does the future here on Earth extend beyond then, or just elsewhere, in the vastness of space? Will it be "the End"...or just another Y2K and Al Capone's Vault?

On the edge of a new year -- unless one stands on the cusp of crossing the Rubicon into a time portal to other dimensions, and can behold a city that truly stands on the edge of forever -- should we live in our time, and leave the past and future to those whose time it was and will be?

On that note, I bid 2009, as twilight descends upon it, farewell. Or not, if time travel IS in the future. Or the past. Time will tell.

Credits and Dumbits

*Anuddah from the sorta scambaiting archives*

Scam letters aren't just for email scammers to send out anymore.

Some generally legitimate businesses tend to take the same view of the American consumer's educational acumen, and perceived lack thereof, with offers that you'd swear were designed by scammers.

Case in point: my sister -- a frequent flyer for her job -- received an offer for a credit card from a well-known airline, offering mileage credit for signing up and usage of a credit card bearing their logo. A casual perusal of the offer (nothing more detailed was needed if one is literate in English) revealed that one could earn a free Saver Award round trip ticket by first applying (and being accepted for) the card; making an initial charge of $250 on something, whereupon your account would be credited with 21,500 bonus mileage credits. Henceforth, one would receive a $1 mileage credit for every $1 spent on the card.

Thus, you could compile 25,000 mileage credits -- enough for one round trip Saver air ticket -- by charging on one's card a mere $3750. At interest rates in the 19% plus range.

Wow. What a deal.

Phfffffft.

My sister's dignified and courteous one-paragraph rebuff of this kind offer was in keeping with her personal, non-demonstrative demeanor. Not having been hit in the head with a bird house and having a real job, she doesn't have time to indulge in the silly verbosities that I -- no-life sot that I am -- engage in.

But me...I have the time. And the inclination. And the concussion from the bird house. Any other excuse is just soup for the duck.

Now, I'm not a frequent flier. I haven't been since 1991. I haven't belonged to any flying mileage programs since then, including any impromptu ones that ex-girlfriends might have wanted to put me on. But that didn't stop this same airline from sending me a similar offer, a few weeks later. Which comes as no surprise: I receive enough credit card offers in my snail mail to choke a shredder; my own use of credit is a classic case study in minature of Congress and the national debt, and something which perhaps I'll have paid off if I live to be about 160.

Believe me, the last thing I need is another credit card to go into hock with.

But the *TOING* that accompanied the offer was entirely too much for my smart-sit-down-part to pass on.

Sadly (not), I did resist applying for the card; I just wasn't able to resist sending the airline of the the following email response:

Dear Mileage Plus Meisters of the Credit and Mileage Endowment,

I was recently treated to an offer which I guess I wasn't supposed ta refuse, y'knowhadda mean? On the surface of it, it was a nice offer. An offer to allow me to fly for free, without the *bang-ZOOM to the Moon* aspect that some of my married cohorts face when their better halves get torqued out at them for some indiscretion, as well as something similar a couple of my ex-gal pals would love to have applied to me, but I digress.

All I needed to do was to sign up for your credit card. Well actually, it isn't really your credit card; it's a Chase-somethin'-er-other Bank's credit card. But they let you put your logo on it, so I guess it kinda is your card.

At any rate -- and one that's obscene, but I'm digressing again -- iffen I signed up for your card, and made an initial charge of $250 for stuff, you'd credit my mileage account with 21,500 miles. Wow. 21,500 miles for just spending a mere $250. Not that those 21,500 miles would get me anything, in and of themselves.

But you weren't done yet.

Thereafter, all I'd have to do is spend $1 US dollar on the card, and I'd earn 1 US air mile in credit on my account. And since I needed 25,000 mileage credits to be eligible for a free, round-trip ticket to sort of anywhere that your airline flies (with certain restrictions of incalculable width and breadth), I would then have only to charge an paltry $3500 more US dollars -- at 23% plus interest -- to achieve that free, round trip ticket to sort of anywhere that your airline flies (with certain restrictions of incalculable width and breadth).

Wow.

But you weren't done yet.

I could continue to earn 1 mileage credit for every $1 US dollar charged at 19% plus interest, for up to 60,000 miles. That's...uh...add the six and carry the little toe with the hangnail over to the left thumb...a total of $38,250 that I could spend in one calendar year to earn the total of 60,000 mileage credits possible to earn in said calendar year. That's a total of the equivalent of two round trip Saver air tickets to sorta anywhere your airline flies (with certain restrictions of incalculable width and breadth), with 10,000 miles left over for the next year, when I could spend up to $50,000 more US dollars to get an additional 50,000 mileage credits to go with my 10,000 carryover mileage credits, for that annual 60,000 mileage credit cap you have.

Wow.

Of course, while I had my shoes off and after they'd triaged all the folks overcome by my having taken my shoes off -- I'm told my feet stink, y'see -- I did some of that additional cypherin' that used to get Jethro into trouble. And I dun figgered it up that iffen I just bought me an airline ticket when and iffen I needed it, to a specific location that you already had a plane designated to fly to on a scheduled trip...I could save me, at the minimums, between $2,750 and $3,000, plus the accrual of that 23% plus interest.

Granted, I wouldn't get to "fly for free". But then again, I wasn't getting to "fly for free" with your program in the first place.

I just wanted to ask you something about the person that came up with this sca..er..brilliant promotion: is his or her name, perchance, Mariam or Abdullah Abacha? If it is...I think I now know where your large operating deficit not only came from...but where it's gone to.

Putting my shoes back on now, before I make a Homeland Security HAZMAT list,

Moi

As seems to be the case with letters like this, the airline in question seemed to have no more sense of humor about my missive than do most of the Nigerian 419ers I tweak. No response.

Maybe my feet really do stink that bad.

Shortest* Blog Post Evah ;-)

Merry Christmas, y'all!













* DISCLAIMER: this post asserts that no reindeer, elves, puppets, CGI animations, et al were harmed during the posting of this entry. This post further asserts that the amount of CO2 created and emitted by this post represents .00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
000000000000000000001 % of that created by AlGore in 5 minutes of operation of his AGW fraud-funded home in Tennessee. The above-used salutation, while at one time widely accepted and recognized across significant parts of the globe, is recognized as having fallen into disfavor within certain politically correct environs hereabouts and elsewhere, and is recognized as deemed offensive by some differing religions and other secular/non-secular beliefs. The blog author wishes to convey to those who find offense at the use of the particular salutation aforementioned, a hearty "phffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft" and a "deal widdit". If you are one that, for example, "hurls at the sight of public nativity scenes" (as Michelle in Boulder, a former visitor to the website whined in '01), sickness bags are readily available at most pharmacies and drug stores. Get off your lazy, offended backside, and go get one. To the rest of you, Merry Christmas to you and yours, and a very Happy New Year. Dealer prep and options extra. Other specials and discounts are non sequitur with this offer, unless you have a coupon from Bonco, UnInc., which has been validated by my pet rock, Seymour. Void where prohibited by Seymour, if not validated by the one and only pet rock, Seymour.

Santa's Onna Roll

*From the '07 ho-ho-ho archives*

When maybe he shoulda stopped at a croissant, but I digress.

This is the time of year that I note the email scammers shift to a bit of a religious cover for their operations. Two recent receipts lowlight this. Another one -- allegedly from France -- well, I can't tell if it's religious or just referencing a religious icon (aka, golf), as it's written completely in French.

Now, I know Tish could speak French (it always drove Gomez nuts, but I digress again), but my French is dubious at best, and a diplomatic crisis at worst. But it didn't stop 'Santa' from taking le whack at it.

First up is the 'Reverend Henry Reeds' with an email address of thomas.williams8@bigpond.com; Rev. Reeds writes in part "i am from the Royal Roman catholic ministry here in Birmingham England.Due to my privileged African American background, i have been consulted by a top Black American human right activist who is dying from Cancer in our hospital here in England. my patient tell me she is has a sum of $20.5 million in her bank here but say she wants to give all to charity when she die.

He goes on about how she has lived her life and how now, "at the threshord, she wishes to make atunement for parts in her life not well lived. So I seek you, an honest and, reliable businessman who can assist her,because i have never handled or heard about that kind of money in my entire life,i am just a Catholic priest".

*snort*. Ol' Santa had the elves on the floor with this reply, though the reindeer were crossing themselves, just in case:

My dubious Padre,

Ho ho ho! I gather you are unfamiliar with handling large sums of charitable money because, as the aforementioned Padre you represent yourself to be, you have been too busy handling choirboys in the choir loft, you shameless diddler, you. Bad padre. Very baaaaaaad padre. My good friend Cheech and Chong once opined "Baliff, whack his pee-pee!" I might even add to that with my studded snow boots, squarely up your bunghole when I see you on Christmas Eve night, you and your faux-dying ho-ho-ho.

But Santa helps all who send wishes to him this holiday season, even those of dubious antecedence with outhouse pit sludge intents. And for you, I have the game Confession, where you confess all sins, and then throw yourselves under a bus, preferrably a moving double-decker. Oooh, one of my elves liked that so much, he just blew milk and boogers out his nose, and all over the packing-and-shipping computer. That might delay your getting the game Confession. But we do backorder with UPS. Patience, laddie.

So, Rev. Padre Senator Harry Reid...er...oops, confused you with another chicanerous yutz, ho-ho-ho...Henry Reeds, to you and yours this Holiday Season, I will see you soon, studded snow boot up your bunghole and all!

I'm getting a sense that Santa's getting testy as "crunchtime" is getting closer.

Next up, we have Evangelist Rosemary Collins (evangrosemary@gmail.com), who writes with light and gay blasphemy:

Greetings, beloved. Greeting in the name of our lord Jesus I am Mrs. Evangelist Rosemary Collins, widow to the late Mr. Smith Collins, I am 68years old, I am a new Christian convert suffering from long time canser of the breast.from all indications my condition is really deteriorated and its quite obvious i won't live for more than two moths according to my doctors.This is because the canser stage has gotten to very bad stage.i don't want your pity but i want your trust.

She goes on to talk about how her husband was killed by Americans in Afghanistan (doing what, she doesn't say), that they never had "childern" during their long marriage, and that they were "very wealthy" (uh huh), to the tune of $12 million USD.

And now? I need you to collect this fund and distribute it yourself to church, Muslim society, charity and underprivilege. i was into charity organisation before this illness come to stricken me down. i understood now that money acquisition without God is vanity (lol...no you don't, you lying sack of dung, but she goes on). Due to my failed health which soon kills me, you are to respond to my lawyer i hand over everything to, who will immediate file out the funds for you on my behalf. He is Barrister Richard Keith (barristerrichardkeith02@yahoo.fr) and he wait for your reply.

She ends with this: May the grace of all the might God the love of God and the fellowship of God be with you in petuity.

A more moving benediction, I have heard. This one kinda reminds me of the infamous "Pastor Gas", Robert Tilton, the TV fauxvangelist, at his most flatulent. And back to speaking of movement, this generated one in Santa, but he kept it off the paper, though just barely:

Ebabbleist Rosemary's Baby and Bannister Keith,

*Subdued ho-ho-ho*...it is sad that I hear from you at this time with this story, Rosemary's Baby. Wow. Married all those years to your bombed corpse hubby and he didn't knock you up once? What WERE you doing? Too busy trying to screw other folks, to spread once for your old terrorist reprobate?

Canser, eh? Y'know, had you just asked ol' Kris Kringle, I'd a told ya that playing with those astrological signs and that zodiac sh** would get you one of these days. Just be happy you didn't get capricorned. Those goat's feet up your private orifices would have been...well, let's just say you'd a soon been a little more amorous toward your incinerated spouse, but Santa digresses.

At any rate, my chicanerous corpse-in-waiting, confession is good for the soul. Yassiree, wench, shore 'tis. And yours is desperate in need of it, what with you shortly to be charred frizzle in the place your soul is bound for. You've been one baaaaaaad broad, indeed.

As for you, Bannister Keith, formerly of the Rolling Bones rock band...yessir, Santa knows all this sh**, so don't try with some sleazy denials or disguises...you've been 'outted'. Traded the life of a doping, drunken, living transfusion-to-transfusion rock star, to become a lower-than-snake-spit lawyer representing Serengeti road apples on the MisInformation Super Highway, eh? Well, I can tell you that what Santa has in mind for you, all the Vaseline in the world won't help when it gets jammed up your bunghold, what with it being studded and a foot wide, laddie. You're a baaaaaaaaaaad bannister.

Looking forward to making my pointed and very relevant deliveries to the both of you, Christmas Eve night. Ho ho ho (with an eye toward Rosemary's Babycakes)!

Santa Claus

Finally (or perhaps too late), there's this email from Golf Infoline Service (golf.infoline.service@latinmail.com), who sent the following...in French (I think it's one of those 'you won some Microsoft Lotto' fraud things:

A votre aimable attention. Dans l'optique d'etendre son reseau partout dans le monde, recompenser les internautes de l'annee en cours et rendre de familles huereuses en cette fin d'annee, la Structure de Financement de Porjets, LA GOLF FINANCE en association avec quelques grandes filiales telles MICROSOFT CORPORATION ont lance une Tombola Internet gratuite basee sur les differentes adresses electroniques des internautes du monde entier.

And thus it goes on...and on...and on...for three more Chef Boyardee paragraphs, concluding with Pour eviter toutes fraudes, un service de controle a ete mis en place. Nous vous prions de le contacter pour plus de certitude sur la Tombola organisee. Le Service Controle, GOLF INFOLINE SERVICE (golf.infoline.service@gmail.com)

What le foch?

Oh well...I left this one to Santa, master of slaughtering all things multi-lingual:

Le Ho-ho-ho dear Monsieurs and Madamoseilles,

Messy bird coup avec pastry resistant pepe lepew; save ze bone pettifore les miserables engarde eiffle down and can't get le up, moanamee. Souffle flambe faux pas, enfante enterrible, lafontaine lafayette escadrille up sur le posterior orifice de certitude! Crepe Suzette (le bitch) cavort hors d'oeuvre up your bunghole, hors concours! Marseilles bon homme le flume de flatulence le pew mon poirot en le wagon-lit! Aucune, ou est la masse de croissant? Sedan! Cafe la Seine ack phooey! Le Debacle! Bonchance, french fries.

Olive warts,

St. Nick

Since I couldn't understand much of what they writ me, I reckon they'll have a bit of le difficultee getting the gist of Santa's demarche. Viva le expresso!

Whatever. I hope Santa's in a mellower mood when he does his fly-by hyar. I'll be happy for just a lump of coal on the patio ;-) Real coal, not the look-alike stuff that I suspect was dropped by a reindeer...

Santa Goes Postal

*From the 2006 blog December archives*

The stress. The pressure. The deadlines and schedules. The last-minute changes. Elf and reindeer grievances. The public appearances and ill-behaving, finicky children. Demands big and small, from kids to bureaucrats, atheists to ACLUers.

Santa needs a vacation. And Valium.

A poopload of both.

Witness Santa's replies to the last three email scammers (at least one of which was NOT allegedly from Nigeria) and you tell me if The Fat 'n Jolly One isn't about to go North Postal:

-- from one Rose Sohal (rosesohal_widow2005@yahoo.co.uk) , "from Philipine", comes this in part: I am Mrs Rose Sohal from Philipine and i\'m married to Dr Patrick Sohalfrom kuwait who died in crashed plane the coming December 26, 2003 with Beirut-bound charteret. We weremarried for eleven years without child.Since his death Idecided not to re-marry or get a child outside my matrimoneyal home wichthe Bible says is against. My husband leave to me a sum of $8 Million US and I am need of you help to recover this funds as Im destituted here in Philipine.

I have no doubt that she decomposed the above with the theme music from Young Frankenstein playing in the background (along with no spellcheck program); while Santa, in his ill-grace, had Dead Skunk In The Middle of the Road playing whilst he replied:

And a heart-felt and ironic cyber Ho Ho Ho to you, which I'm sure in your faux grief that you don't get whatsoever, but Santa digresses.

Rose...Rose...Rose. That's a great name. Pity it's wasted on you. Santa says, bad Rose...very bad Rose. Married for eleven years, and no child? So what are you doing? You're trying to make up for lost time by trying to indiscriminately screwing* everyone and anyone you can online.

Bad Rose...very bad Rose.

Santa is most disappointed; Rudolph, on the other hoof, is just pointing and laughing at you, having etched your name and number with a "For A Good Time Call Rose" on the elves rest room wall. Your phone's gonna get mighty busy after December 26. I'm just sayin'...

But despite your obvious fall from grace, even if it wasn't but a micromillimeter, Santa remembers all children this holiday season. And Santa will remember you, bad Rose.

Check your stocking Christmas morning for a spell check program and an online contraceptive device, you wenchly trollope.

Don't bother thanking me, Rose; or leaving out any 'nog of dubious antecedence and urine content. Yours will be a fly-by delivery only; wouldn't want to have my wallet lifted.

Next up is 20 year old Flora Abed (floraabed_1@yahoo.fr) and her "yunger brothur Tony", who are childless and parentless in Sierra Leone, where "we leave alone becaus we dont want the people who killed my late father, to kill us too" (a practical notion; she goes on). My late father deposited one trunk of box with a security company here before his dead and because of situation of political criss here that led to war here we need some body that I trust (??!!) to come and help claim the trunk for me and my brothur. You are the only person I send this message to so I need much your help and that you keep this secreted until it is done.

"You are the only person I send this message to". Righhhhhht. Another snot of Schopps and a Prozac chaser, and Santa's everruddy with his reploo:

Ah, Santa loves getting letters from the children. Especially 20 year, well-developed female children. Santa loves bouncing them on his ample lap and having them answer all those holiday questions like "who's yo' daddy?".

Lil' Flora Inbed, having read your effort to give ol' Santa here the business and a woody, I am determined not to bypass your Christmas thong..er...stocking this year. Nope...you have been added to the "special list". For you, there will be (a) a spell check program, 'cuz your email sucked, (b) a carton of Handi-wipes to use on your head when you finally extract it from your ass, and (c) a sh**load of contraceptives, because as much as you're trying to screw* people over online, you shouldn't be allowed to procreate thus.

Of course, that last is just Santa's humble opinion; Rudolph's is obviously worse, as he has added your name and number to the rest room walls of the Sierre Leone Soldiers 'n Sailors Recruitment Barracks. Rudolph -- for a reindeer -- is a rather opinionated, presumptive critter, eh?

Personally, I'd consider capping your chimney. And other parts, too. But then, it is the season of giving, and much as you'd love others to give to you, I don't see why they shouldn't give it to you just the way you deserve it.

Let them use some of your Handi-wipes, too: a carton goes a long way.

There is the possibility that Santa -- or at least this blog -- is going to lose it's PG rating if this keeps up.

It does.

Last but not least, there is Femi Raymond Chambers (femichambersoffice@yahoo.com) and his odious secretary (godswil_uzoma@yahoo.fr). Femi has apparently picked up this email address from one of my scam replies some time back; this one came addressed to none other than Jacques Ewehoff!!!

Dear Friend Jacques Ewehoff,

I'm happy to inform you about my success in gettng the fund transferred to a Swiss Account with the cooperation of a new partner from paraguay who is an international business man. I did not forget your past efforts to assist me in transferring those funds despite that it failed somehow (shore did; 'twasn't Jacques/me he dealt with...the bonehead). Now contact my secretary (email referenced above) and ask her to send you the total $450,000 which I kept for your compensation for the all the past efforts you make on my behalf. Waste no time and get in touched with (that HAD to be a Freudian slip) Godswil Uzoma and instruct her where to send the amount to you.

Another snot of schopps and Lrozac pater, and Santa is rarin' to det gown:

Ho Ho Ho, Femoral:

You are a funny, funny mans, Femoral! Jacques Ewehoff! Mwhaha..er..HO HO HO! I haven't heard that one since it went over the paging system at the Mall! HO HO HO! That's as good as calling a mortuary and asking to speak to Myra Mains!

*Ahem*

Otherwise, your email -- in the words of my good and animated friend Eric Cartman -- "sucks ass". Rudolph and the other reindeer took turns at dragging their poo-dripping bums across it, after the elves had their go.

But Santa is gifted (see what I just did there?) with a great sense of humor after enough booze and pills this holiday season; it's better this year, since I rotated out of the mall circuit, where getting peed on by screaming brats who try to give my beard a swingset ride, is SOf***ingP. Thus, I am happy to share with you this momentus news for you and you alone: on the morning of December 25, you can officially and care-freely remove your head from your ass! Why? Because I'll have delivered to you a whole gross of Handi-wipes! You won't have to use your shirt tail or living room curtains any more to clean up with!

Besides, it would be best for me as well, if you would clean up some, before I plant my size 18 fur-lined boot up your ass, you goat-smelling egg sucking out-house breathed scamster! Hooha!

And worry not: I haven't forgotten your turdball wench of a secretary, either, you token wad. HO HO HO (maybe she's yo' ho, but that's for another time).

Uh...yep: Santa's over the edge.

* er....not the words I used in the actual replies...told ya Santa was going "postal"...

I'm A Baaaaad Santa

*From the blog archives of November 2006*

If you find this illustration (right) from somewhere online indecent, offensive, and totally uncalled for, I can guaran-dang-tee the rest of this post is from the same movement.

Especially if you're an online scammer.

Of course, I could blame MissCellania for this; on a recent post (I believe it was her November 19 Links column) she solicited for, among other things, letters to/from Santa of the humorous nature.

*TOING*

In late November of 2005, I had received a Nigerian email scam letter that was tailor-made for a "bad Santa" reply; and I gave it one befitting of the sender (at least in my opinion), putting it in my "to use" pile for an upcoming blog. But then I got involved in the tiff over my idea of a politically incorrect Xmas column with some blogging malcontent 'Tom' and his "hurls at nativity scenes" friend Michelle, and I forgot about it, leaving it to languish in my email archives.

Until MissCellania's solicitation reminded me to dig it out.

The email title and bad grammar in and of itself was nothing special (I need your urgent respond) from any of the others I was getting, but the first paragraph from Barrister Gabriel Tijani (tijanimail001@myway.com) elevated this one well above the average nonsense:

Dear Friend,

I must ask you this. do you like children? do you desirous of giving to those who need? are you of the spirit of giving? are you a charitable, upright man with christian soul? if you answer this yes then you are the one I seek.

He went on into the usual gobbletygook about some family perishing in a car accident on one of those delightful highways of Nigerian design and carnage back in 2001, and how the breadripper-offer of the family had left a tidy sum of US dollars in a Lagos bank (about 18.5 million US). And how after years of trying to find next of kin "with no hope of succeed", time was fast approaching that the bank and the Nigerian government were going to confiscate the funds.

Unless you are willing to help me in this 100% risk free transaction to brighten lives (his words). He then went on with this paragraph: Upon release of the funds to you, My own share shall be donated to an orphanage in time for the holiday brightness of the season for the children of less opportunity than I and you will have. I want this brightening of the spirit this giving time. This is my wish that you help me with.

*Sniff*...awwwwwwww. A scammer that wants to help out orphans by giving me the business. I was truly touched by an anvil. I can still hear it ringing in my ears.

Now I confess...I didn't see the movie Bad Santa. Nor have I any plans to. After you read this reply I sent the bannister, you'll see why it isn't necessary for me to do so:

My good fauxson:

Ho ho ho, and that might be yo' mama I'm speaking of here. Your wish in the forwarded email has been electronically selected at Wish-n-Elves-Hear.Net* for special consideration. And that is how your message found it's way directly to me.

Who'm I, you ask? Were I to be present in the flesh -- and there'd be a lot of it, I assure you -- you'd know my belly-full-of-jelly frame, and my jovial ho-ho-ho in an instant. For I bear many names in many denominations: Kris Kringle, St. Nick, Santa Claus...and under some venues I've been called "that fat red bastard" and "Yo bitch, make wif my bling bling!".

Yes, I am He who defies conventional laws of Nature and science by travelling the globe in 31 hours on one night a year, bringing joy and gifts to all the good little boys and girls around the world, save for where heathen practices deny my existence or anti-air defenses try to knock Rudolph's bigass red nose into orbit around Uranus.

Screw them non-believing cheeseballs, but I digress.

Wish of me to help you help yourself under the auspices of benevolence to orphans, eh? Now, that's nice. That's mighty nice. You must have been among the school yard's finest in the milk money reallocation/extortion department in your rough-and-tumble youth. In fact, I find your name does appear of a few of my archived lists down the years.

As a reprehensible turd.

But far be it from me to turn a deaf and fat ear to such a transparent plea in the Time of Yule; then again, Yule died in 1985 so his time is passed and thus never mind about him. He was only a faux king who danced with Debbie Reynolds, anyway.

I tell you what, my good lad of dubious antecedence and purloiner of lunch money: I am not as game as my reindeer are if they wander off the 'Pole during hunting season, but I will be happy to entertain your efforts here, if you will just write back to Jolly ol' me and present me with ten good reasons I should allow you to give me this business, which would be ten good reasons I shouldn't show up and put my oversized fur-lined boot up your chicanerous bunghole.

Or maybe I'll just have Rudolph & Co. do a proctological exam on you with their head gear. Tain't pretty, lemme tell you; though it might be better if I let one of the surviving elves who underwent it describe it in intimate detail, if you'll pardon the pun.

Ho ho ho...and I'm back to yo' mama again.

Let me know your pleasure on the matter, Mr. Bannister, and I shall assure you a Merry Crispmoose (my reindeer always find that funny; they never liked Bullwinkle), and a particularly jagged-edged lump of coal to place sideways in your anal stocking one silent (but not for long once placement starts) night.

A Merry Christmas to all, save for you who can bite me!

Jolly Ol' St. Nick (and other 'nick' names...ho ho ho!)

* courtesy of the US Homeland Security Department's alleged evesdropping Act thing of 2002 or so...

The other reason I probably forgot about this particular exchange is the fact that this is as far as it went: the bannister didn't reply with any ten good reasons to try for my fat fur-lined boot up his ass. Guess he was a non-believer. Or became one, after reading this.

So there you have it, folks: I'm a baaaaaaaaaad Santa.

Finally, It's About Time (To End) Bonco Products

*The 7th of 3 Christmas shopping ideers from the labs and retrievers of Bonco, UnInc, in time to make a mess of your holiday gift shopping list*

Time is an issue unto itself. Time travel, a whole nother ball game. One that my friends at Bonco, UnInc., should never have taken me seriously about.

It all started when I closely examined my regular commute to work: by bus, an average of 90 minutes, each way. If I drove -- more expensive -- it was 45 minutes each way. Then, of course, there was the shift itself. A busy shift, eh...time flew. A slow shift...time was a weight upon the soul of the clock-watching man/woman.

So what if...just what if...a device could be created to accelerate and decelerate time, according to the needs of the person?

Yeah, I know....my pet rock, Seymour, just gave me a *that's about the dumbest thing I've ever heard in the last five minutes from you* look. He patiently explains to me that time is what it is, and to mess with time is to play with space-time-continuum fire. When I ask how is that, he goes back to watching The Outer Limits, and hiding under the loveseat.

Then, I reckon I goofed by discussing the idea with my friends at Bonco, UnInc....a really bad *TOING* and months later, they tell me they have designed a prototype device to do all I came up with, and more. They call it.....Bonco's All About Time Accelerator/Decelerator & Travel Device.

This has all the sound of another bad AlGore scam to it.

According to the theories* espoused in the technical hypotenuse (Seymour, that's what they called it...stop pointing & laughing at me), this highly-technical-yet-user-friendly device will allow the user to, after logging in various and sundry biorythems and other bodily information**, set parameters for time acceleration and deceleration, according to the needs/desires of the user.

For example: your work day -- from commute there to commute home -- is, say, 14 hours. Set the accelerator on the AATA/D&TD, and wha la, your work day passes at 6 times the normal for the average human. SIX TIMES!*** And when you arrive home, set the auto-reverse feature on the AATA/D&TD, and wha la, your leisure time goes by at one-sixth the normal time for a poor sot not equipped with Bonco's time wonder. ONE-SIXTH!****

Just imagine: your leisure weekends can now seem longer***** than your work week to get there! And imagine vacations! And all, at the touch of a few****** buttons on Bonco's wonder device, the All About Time Accelerator/Decelerator & Travel Device, by Bonco.

You noted the '& Travel Device' at the end...this was a special touch******* added by the innovative scientists in the R&D section at Bonco. They had a notion to add in a time travel feature, so that the proud owner and user of the Bonco AATA/D&TD could go back or forward in Time, using various and sundry calculations garnered from various time/space experiments********, and allow the lucky few********* to own and operate the AATA/D&TD, and view history (or the future) as it actually happened, without being able to interfere with it**********.

And all for the very reasonable price of $1,999,999.95 (this was said with a straight face, I might add). I reckon the marketers at Bonco reckon some folks can print money as readily as the government is now.

Unfortunately, there is one wee little glitch in taking the AATA/D&TD from testing and refining into production and distribution: the test team that took the AATA/D&TD out for a "spin", hasn't been seen, since. It isn't known if they went backward or forward.

I was, uh...asked to inquire amongst you readers out there...have, uh, any of you seen a funny-looking "flying platform", with three white-coated, hysterically-screaming technicians, go flashing through your or your kin's past or recent present? Or if you see them tomorrow, next year, or sometime in the future when you still remember having read this...would you please tell them (a) to return the device to September 1, 2009, and (b) they're fired.

* a mix of theories collected from The Time Tunnel, Quantum Leap, Lost in Space, Star Trek (TOS and IV), Back to/from The Future, and Einstein's discarded theory of Relatives From Hell overstaying on Holidays.

** including for reasons unrevealed but probably revealing in and of themselves, your belch/flatulence frequency and propensity, which I was told can cause tears and ripples in the space/time continuum elevator

*** in the as yet undrafted Disclaimer, there IS a warning about operating at six times the normal speed, and how something as simple as a cut can cause the person to..er.."ignite" or something like that...

**** in that same undrafted Disclaimer, it is recommended that you stay out of places where vehicles are running 6 times faster than you can...just a bit of an inconvenience

***** especially if your wife is big on "honey-do" lists...

****** it's really only a few, after you've made the primary instrumentation calibration and necessary 97,869 inputs and calculations into the on-board computer and collision-avoidance travel system, which I'm told by Bonco is as easy to learn as calculus without a calculator or scratch pad

******* which can't be rated on how well it's working until the prototype returns from wherever it went...

******** see the first *

********* pricey? Eh...what's a couple million against being able to watch some rich liberal tree huggers go back to prehistoric times, and get eaten by a triciploplotz? Good entertainment is, after all, worth the price of admission...

********** an assumption still under review, and will be until the prototype team returns...if ever...

"Titanic" -- And Bonco -- On Broadway? (5 of 3 in the series)

*Blogger's note: this was originally released in '97, and the second of the Bonco, UnInc. product line. No musicians or dancers were harmed in the making of this parody. Some lyrics may have been, but we doubt any worse than anything slaughtered at a karaoke bar, so get over it*

Broadway. For the theatre buff, Broadway simply is the place where standards are set. Tony Awards are won. Thousands of actors/actresses aspire to play to and receive critically rave reviews there. From ancient classical text adaptations, to modern contemporary and off-beat productions, Broadway is where they are given life, color, sound and music.

For better and worse.

In the fall of '96, I heard talk of a new play then in production, one centered on the ill-fated RMS Titanic. I gave it no further thought until the spring of '97, when a local TV weatherman rekindled my curiosity, when he reacted to news of it with incredulous amusement, laughing about the thought of people singing, dancing and sinking, all at once.

That notion had an effect on my friends at Bonco, too. BEFORE the Broadway play, and BEFORE the movie that propelled Leonardo Dicaprio down 12,000 feet, Bonco, UnInc -- the company that brought you The ABDOMINATION-IZER -- had put together a musical collection of "hits" from the upcoming play! And in a swim down Memory Lane, I would be remiss if I didn't offer readers another chance at this unique, ahead-of-its-time Bonco masterpiece, in time for the holidays!

With no further adieu:

A Classic from Bonco: The Greatest Hits Music Collection from the Broadway Smash, "Titanic"*!

Being re-re-released in time for civil litigation, Bonco once again brings you a classic collection of hits that will move and touch your wallet! Bonco has rinsed off the original masters they had obtained in advance of the play's opening, and are once more, in this special and exclusive offer, making available this limited edition collection! All of the songs herein were adapted** for this epic extravaganza by that acclaimed musical composer and choreogopher, Andrew "Lloyd Bridges" Wetter***.

For example, Wetter found inspiration from a Bruce Springsteen composition, and adapted it for choreogophery in a stirring rendition of Going Down. And this is just one of many such adaptations, performed by the talented (if unheralded, before now) Astor/Smith Choir and Syncronized Drowning Troupe. Consider this sample of such hits:

Rainy Days & Icebergs Always Get Me Down

You're My Soul (&) Life Preserver

Dog Paddle In Ocean, Baby

Our Boat's In Jeopardy

S-O-friggin'-S

Pardon Me Boys, Ain't That A Mother Of An Iceberg

You might expect to pay Jesse Jackson child support payment prices for an exclusive deal like this -- but you pay only $14.99! THAT'S RIGHT!

AND THAT'S NOT ALL!

If you are amongh the first 10,000 to order this special remastered re-re-issue of this 1997 smash collection, you'll receive ABSOLUTELY FREE a complete copy of all adapted lyrics to each and every song, like Wetter's stirring adaptation of the Roger Miller hit, King of the Road:

Life vests are stale and rent,

the Ti's got a..great big dent.

Can't sink? Well, call me fool..

I'd asoon be in Liverpool,

aw, but

some hours of freezin' cold,

and a...pullin' oars, why it just gets old.

I'm a 'ristocrat and above this...

Queen of the Boats.

All that and more, with this very special and limited re-re-issue offer! Be the first to own an overlooked Tony Award winning sound track****! Operators are bobbing up and down for your call at 1-899-SINKING! Only $14.99 for the one CD or two cassette collection!

Don't wait for the "fat lady" to sing on this this one***** -- CALL NOW ******!

* as reported in the November '96 New Yorker Magazine, with a scheduled opening in April, 1997

** shamelessly pirated after permission was obtained from someone subsequently learned to have no authority to authorize

*** no proveable relation to the Cats/Phantom dude

**** it probably would have won a Tony, had it not been suppressed for reasons of little things like copyright enfringement, etc.

***** I can't guarantee that this doesn't mean Roseanne; earplugs optional and up to the listener

****** this offer is void where it should be prohibited. this offer is not sanctioned by ASCAP or any reputable recording studio wherein original songs originated. Even NAPSTER wouldn't touch this one. In fact, songs herein may violate every known law and OSHA noise standard ever crafted, and may even result in Hillary Clinton running for President. The impact on pets -- biological, plant, or rock -- is as yet undetermined, and Bonco's not going to waste our slim profit margins to research it. Bonco, UnInc., is licensed under no controlling legal authority who couldn't tell us what the definition of "is" is, and is a total parody operation, thereby absolved from any legal ramifications involving production, marketing, or stains to blue dresses. If not completely satisfied with the collection, send a stamped, self-addressed envelope to yourself, 'cuz no one else will care a pinch of hamster crap, which allows Bonco to work in at least one more group that'll be pissed off by the whole thing.

FTC Disclaimer: no recompense was received or exchanged with any of the aforementioned; some insults may have been, but we don't consider those compensation, so phffffffffffft.

Bonco Speaks Your Language...Sorta (4 of 3 or so)

*From the Bonco Gift Giving Archives and #4 of 3...yes, you read that right*

Digression can be at times, creative. In a warped kind of way.

While doing some research on which retar...researcher was spending US tax dollars on trying to determine why a penguin would look up at a passing aircraft, until the penguin fell over backwards, I came across a note about a recent online IgNobel Prize winner in technology: the Bow-Lingual, a dog-to-human translating devise released by Takara Co. Ltd, of Japan. Apparently the Bow-Lingual allows a dog to communicate up to six emotions with ruffly 200 words to their master, as the device records and interprets their barks, whines and growls, sending the tranlated expressions to the owner's digital display "emotion pager".

I reckoned that sales on this would eventually go through the woof; at the same time, some curious misfiring synapse in my thrice-concussed brain found itself pondering about the "unintended" consequences of such a device in the evolutionary scheme of things.

The answer wasn't long in coming: among various reviews of the product, I found some rather poignant ones that made it clear that cats were royally pissed. So were pet rodents. Fish were pissed, not that it'd show except with piranha. Birds, snakes, ferrets, pot-bellied pigs...all ditto. Manatees were indifferent, but that would change when some animal-rights-activist lawyer gets the word out. Countless hundreds of thousands of animal species will be pissed about this 'exclusion'.

And it won't stop just there: insects, plants, any viably living thing that learns of this development will be demanding their own 'voice'. Their own opportunity to tell humankind what kind of arrogant, ignorant, pompous, slave-driving, big-footed, species-racist boneheads we are.

I'm sure my pet rock would love that opportunity with me, too, but I digress.

In spite of rare spurts of better judgement I'm known to lack in abundance, I made a jesting comment on this scenario to the technicians at Bonco, UnInc.

Weasel crap.

Thus...coming soon from the labs* of Bonco, UnInc, the makers of the ABDOMINATION-IZER and PHFFFT ASURE ... The ALL-IN-ONE-UNIVERSAL TRANSLATOR!

Ever wonder what your pets were thinking? Ever wonder what they were trying to tell you? For that matter, have you ever wondered what your plants, trees, the insects thereon, et al, would say to you if they could? Did you ever wish to communicate with Nature in a way only the Beast Master, Tarzan or Mr. Spock did**? Well, wish no more with Bonco's ALL-IN-ONE-UNIVERSAL-TRANSLATOR! Now you can know not only what your pets think and feel, you can know what ALL LIVING THINGS WITHIN YOUR IMMEDIATE VICINITY think and feel***!

Through shared**** technology from Japan, and the extensive research projects and grants of thousands of current and former government and private entities for various and sundry communications forms across the living spectrum*****, Bonco has married the two -- language and technology -- into a 'one translates all' device!

Just set up the reasonably compact****** AIOUT in immediate proximity of whatever you wish to communicate with -- from your family pet to the lowest living life form on the planet*******, speak into the portable hand transmitter, and wha la: your words are translated into a form that your intended communicatee will receive and understand********.

And they (or it) will be able to likewise respond in a manner that you'll understand*********.

And all for the one-time, incredible price of only $995,000 (shipping not included). Operators are desperate for something to do until you call them at 1-999-TRNSLAT, since the No-Call List has interrupted their interrupting you!

Don't miss out on this incredulous offer! CALL NOW**********!

* or retrievers, setters, whatever

** without the need of sword play, vine-swinging or mind melds

*** See Disclaimer

**** Without their knowledge, but what's a patent violation against the greater good?

***** More or less...see Disclaimer

****** All vacuously defined in Disclaimer

******* Bonco felt that even lawyers needed a translation CD in this deal

******** Or so it is hoped...see Disclaimer

********* It is really incumbent you read the Disclaimer

********** DISCLAIMER: Bonco's ALL-IN-ONE-UNIVERSAL-TRANSLATOR comes completely assembled, though the loading into the memory of the 5 million language conversion CDs is up to the purchaser. Bonco is required to tell purchasers that a weather-proof, solid-foundationed, level surface is required to set up the one-piece AIOUT, which is roughly the size and weight of a Kenworth. An industrial size forklift is recommended for moving and positioning the AIOUT (not included). Bonco guarantees that once all 5 million language conversion CDs are properly installed, the AIOUT will allow the user to attempt to communicate with anything covered on the 5 million language conversion CDs, using the handy hand-held transmitter/receiver with a range of up to 1,000' from the AIOUT. Bonco, however, is NOT LIABLE for any potential misunderstandings or misinterpretations of language or cultural faux pas, as some of the language research on plants, insects and animals -- notably carnivores -- is at best, untested theory, but was vouched for by some tree-hugging ELF arsonist in an unsigned affidavit on file with the Sierra Club, which we're still waiting for a copy of. Thus and for example, if you get set upon by a flower bed of angry hibiscus, armed with thistles, after an attempt at communications -- because you said something untoward about their mothers or ancestral roots -- Bonco will refer what's left of you or your next of kin to the Sierra Club with the grievance. Bonco, UnInc., is a profit-oriented, thoroughly unscrupulous and inept Fortune -10,000 Company, but never needed an unscrupulous accounting firm or Barney Fwank to get that way. This is a nonsense advertisement that is 100% dolphin-free. When/if you get your AIOUT up and running, just ask one for confirmation. You'll probably get a dolphanic "WTF?" in response. FTC Disclaimer: no money changed hands/fins/paws/leaves/pinchers/antenna/flippers/et al during this parodious product endorsement, and no spotted owls, whales, dolphins or yetis were harmed during the posting of same, unless a minaturized version of one of the aforementioned was on the seat of my computer chair when my fat backside landed there.

Yet Another Holiday Gift Ideer from Bonco (3 of 3 or so)

*From the Bonco Holiday Gift Collection*

Though the winter winds of December are upon us, it won't be long before spring is again in the air, in most places except North Dakota*. But with spring, something else returns to the air, too: BUGS. All kindsa bugs. Whether they fly, leap, skitter or crawl, they're all coming at you like blood-sucking lawyers that are trying to break up common sense litigation reform.

But this Christmas season**, Bonco, UnInc -- makers of Phffft! Asure and The Cyclonic Harvester, amongst other things -- has the perfect Xmas gift that will allow you to take back your yard, patio and other exterior environs, during the height of the "what bugs you" season***. And that, my friends is:

The FULLY AUTOMATED PEST-CONTROLLING BUGABOOM! by BONCO!

It's springtime, and you've got a backyard out there just aching for you to be mowing, manicuring and preparing it for outside activities of summer, to be shared with family and friends. But unfortunately, also to be shared with unwanted party crashers of the most annoying kind: BUGS.

Oh sure, you can put up bug zappers, or spray to kill and repel the little beasties, with all those unpleasant side affects. OR ... thanks to Bonco, you can reclaim your yard and take the fight to the BUGS, thanks to the FULLY AUTOMATED PEST-CONTROLLING BugaBOOM! by Bonco, the latest in a series of technology-stretching ventures****, to make your leisure time even more leisurely, utilizing proven technology of the US Military*****. Yes, Bonco has taken the secrets of the CIWS******, and reduced it to pest-control form, safe to use from the comfort of your own home, patio or porch*******.

Just set up the BugaBOOM! on an exposed corner of your back patio, program the sensitivity setting for your specific environs, and your bug problems are over********. Be it mosquitoes, biting flies, bees, wasps, hornets, palmetto bugs or others, the BugaBOOM! will stop them cold up to 500 feet away! And with it's automatic tracking radar, the BugaBOOM! reacts instantly to any new threat detected*********!

The Bonco FAPC BugaBOOM! comes completely assembled, with a user-friendly instruction manual and an added extended ammo drum (for those insect-heavy environments), and a six month supply of ammunition (100% biodegradeable stainless steel pellets the size of granulated salt)**********!

All of this is yours IF YOU ORDER NOW for the very reasonable cost of ONLY $9,995.95 (monthly payment options available)! And if you order RIGHT NOW, we'll throw in, absolutely FREE, kevlar structure protective sheets*********** for your home, outbuildings and dog house (a regular $7,995.95 value)!

Operators are hunkered down and braced at 1-999-BugBOOM! Don't let another summer drive you buggy! Call TODAY************!

* Well, okay, so North Dakota isn't that bad..or maybe it is. Never been there.

** and the past several, since 1997

*** see Disclaimer for cautionary use against political TV and radio ads

**** a few, er.."bugs" are still being worked out...see Disclaimer

***** Uh, they don't really know we are using this technology, so PLEASE don't tell?

****** a Vulcan Close-In-Weapons-System mini-gun, capable of firing 6,000 rounds per minute

******* provided you fully read and understand the Disclaimer

******** there might be a few new ones in your immediate future, though; see Disclaimer

********* there might be other larger items also detected and attacked...you REALLY NEED to read the Disclaimer

********** hey, that's what our glue-sniffing environmental engineer says, when he's sober

*********** make sure you use these things; see Disclaimer

************ DISCLAIMER: the makers of Bonco's FAPC BugaBOOM! are forced to advise purchasers that this product, while guaranteed to be 100% effective against flying pests, has also proven in tests to be 100% effective against flying non-pests, including but not limited to: butterflies, sports balls, frisbees, horseshoes, birds of any species, bats, RC planes, kites, bubbles, or anything else that ascends above an altitude of 2' within the tracking range of the BugaBOOM!s radar system. This also includes any wind-generated motion of tree branches, wind chimes, hanging plants, power lines, etc., within the 750' range of the BugaBOOM! Bonco is also reluctantly forced to tell purchasers of the FAPC BugaBOOM! that any outbuildings inadvertently serving as a backdrop for a 'target' -- legitimate or not -- can be reduced to sawdust in a matter of seconds, if not protected with the special kevlar protective sheeting. Users of the FAPC BugaBOOM! might want to suggest to their in-range neighbors to buy and install the kevlar protective sheeting, too. Or not, if you don't like your neighbors.

Bonco, UnInc., is not liable for any unauthorized uses of the BugaBOOM! not originally intended or thought of, or for any other uses that were intended and thought of but not mentioned herein, or for any thought of, intended and executed as suggested herein, in the event of failure of the purchaser to read and understand this disclaimer, or the 1,300 page user's manual that reads like an unread-by-legislators hellthcare bill. Bonco, UnInc., is especially not liable if you are (a) a coyote and think this is the answer to bagging the Roadrunner (b) planning to use the BugaBOOM against political ads the next election cycle and/or (c) if you are an environmentalist liberal who thinks that mosquitoes have rights to other peoples' blood. FTC Disclaimer: believe me, if this thing was not a parody, Bonco would have bug rights activists up their butts, without you clowns showing up to demand disclosure. Make yourselves useful for once in your pathetic careers, and go examine AlGore's global warming scam.

Another Gift That Keeps On...Phfffting (2 of 3 or so)

*From the website and Bonco gift-giving archives...*

As the holiday season approaches, Americans think of Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years, and all the opportunities and activities these special occasions provide us (excluding seething ACLUers, atheists, and the jolly-dysfunctional among us).

One of the more festive activities of the season is holiday parties. In thousands of businesses and millions of families, holiday parties and gatherings are in full swing. Unfortunately, as you all know, lots of food is the foundation of these parties, and so many foods favored by party caterers and goers have one natural but undesirable side affect in common: GAS.

There, I said it: GAS.

Having said it, I'm here with a solution to it. Or actually, my friends at Bonco, UnInc., are here with a solution. You remember Bonco: the company that came out with the ground (and other things) breaking EZ-NAV ONE, or their Titanic Greatest Musical Hits Collection. Now -- against my better judgment that you're still waiting for me to exercise -- I'm here on behalf of Bonco to highlight yet another timely product in the Bonco tradition.

Thus....NEW FROM BONCO:

PHFFFT ASURE!

If you're like us*, you love to eat. Unfortunately as experience shows, not everything you truly love to eat, loves you afterward. Many of the foods we savor -- even those good for us -- result in painful, embarrassing, offensive GAS. Some of which can fry the olfactory sensors in a skunk, which is frowned upon in social circles.

BUT NOT ANY MORE!

PHFFFT ASURE! lets you eat all the raw veggies, deviled eggs, pizza, garlic, onion rings and corned beef & cabbage you can hold. With PHFFFT ASURE!, you can eat what you want, whenever and almost wherever you want, and be secure in the knowledge that your flatulence WILL NOT SMELL!!!**

PHFFFT ASURE! works with your digestive system to neutralize harmful methane and worse odors at the source. You can now relieve pressure with confidence, and know that you won't melt a row of people in the buffet line, or start a potentially catastrophic stampede toward the exits! And because PHFFFT ASURE! is 100% synthetically bioengineered***, there are practically no side-affects****!

To receive a 30 day supply for only $29.95, call 1-899-NONGASP now! Olfactory-dysfunctional operators***** are anchored to take your call!

DON'T WAIT -- CALL NOW******!!!

* let's hope not TOO much like us

** what it lacks in 'spritz', it makes up for in sheer volume...see Disclaimer

*** so we were informed by our alcoholic staff chemist during a rare moment of sobriety

**** You REALLY NEED TO see Disclaimer

***** Explained in the Disclaimer

****** DISCLAIMER: PHFFFT ASURE! is in no way, shape or smell affiliated with the makers of Breath Asure (FTC, keep reading). While the manufacturers of PHFFFT ASURE! guarantee that your methane expellants will be odor-free, testing suggests the possibility that audible episodes will increase in both frequency and force, as geometrically compared to the olfactory reduction. It is therefore strongly suggested that all fragile/delicate items be secured or removed from within a 500 sq foot radius for up to SIX HOURS after using PHFFFT ASURE! Activities like rollerblading, skateboarding, parasailing, parachuting, kayaking and touring priceless china and pottery exhibits should be curtailed as well. Use of PHFFFT ASURE! aboard commercial airliners and cruise ships is discouraged as well, unless you want to be the seminal cause of the next AIRPLANE or POSEIDEN ADVENTURE movie. Bonco, UnInc., is not responsible for any failure by the user(s) of PHFFFT ASURE! to exercise these few, simple precautions, while using this product. Bonco, UnInc., is also indemnified and held harmless for any resultant noise complaints, skirt ballooning, physical or psychological damage to pets, stress fractures in nearby solid objects, or anything that can remotely cause injury or damage to anyone or anything during sonic-boom-force flatulence. Use of PHFFFT ASURE! before an IRS audit or testimony before the US Congress is recommended to enliven an otherwise bureaucratically dull experience. FTC Disclaimer: that's, I say, that's a joke, gender neutrals. It's a parody...p-a-r-o-d-y. If money had changed hands, one detonation from PHFFFT ASURE! and it would have been blown to Uranus, or further, so money would have never made it to the second hand, y'see.

A Gift That Keeps On...Collecting Dust (1 of 3 or so)

* Note: in 2009, the FTC revised rules regarding bloggers and product endorsements, etc., instituting fines up to $11,000 for failure of a blogger to reveal recompense between a product manufacturer/marketer and a blogger acting as a product endorser. Thus, please note in the next four holiday reposts, that this h'yar blogger has added a wee xtra Disclaimer to the Disclaimer regarding required revelation of recompense between this h'yar blogger and the company Bonco, UnInc....*

Want washboard abs? LOL...go buy the plastic faux one to hang on your beer gut, or read on.

*Please note, FTC, that is NOT a product endorsement*

Exercise and fitness. Americans have a love/hate relationship with it. That's cuz we love to look good. We hate to work hard to look good. Some of us do it, anyway. Others simply love the look, won't work to get it, and hate those who have it.

Specifically, they hate guys and gals with washboard abs.

If you watch much TV -- and that might 'splain a good deal of the problem -- you've no doubt seen the countless ads for a growing number of purported quick and easy exercise machines, 'guaranteed' to give you fast and fantastic results, or your money back, after a protracted battle reaching perhaps to the US Supreme Court.

With the proliferation of such advertised 'cheap and physically efficient' ab technology -- and the millions their creators rake in -- consumer advocates and news 'trouble shooters' have turned increasing scrutiny toward this proliferation of miracle products. More often than not, they tend to uncover credibility gaps in what a product actually does, versus what it's manufacturers/marketers claim. Dateline, 20/20, and a host of local TV news stations have run exposes on the claims versus the realities of these easy-to-use tummy tuckers.

Whether or not I'm performing a public soivice hyar is subjective, but I had my technical wizards at Bonco, UnInc -- makers of things like Phffft! Asure -- go out, buy, and try every abdominal exerciser on the market. Thanks to their exhaustive research, it appears (depending on what your definition of "appears" is) that Bonco, UnInc. has come up with the ultimate device that can give users that dream of washboard abs, without committing 95% of their life to achieving the goal.

So, with no further adieu:

New, from Bonco!

The ABSolute Ultimate in abdominal exercisers: the ABDOMINATION-IZER! Built in the USA*!

A complete 3-in-1 abdomination that gives you an exercise regimen never before achieved in the privacy of your own home**. A complete in-home method to develop and condition your abs to a degree you and your chiropractor could never have imagined!*** And for the exclusive low price of ONLY $199.99, you can own the technological wonders of the ABDOMINATION-IZER, delivered right to your home! YES, ONLY $199.99!!!

And if you order NOW, we'll include the patented**** ABDOMINATION-IZER Four-way Screwplers tool -- the only officially-licensed ABDOMINATION-IZER assembly tool!

Want the kind of abs no one ever conceived of having? Call 1-899-INAGONY now! Really smooth operators are sitting by to take your orders. Visa, MasterCard, Discover, AMEX, Diners Club, Texaco, Shell, and notarized promissory notes on your house, car, 401k and kids' college fund are accepted.*****

EXTRA SPECIAL OFFER: for the first 1000 to order the ABDOMINATION-IZER, we'll include an autographed picture of mega musician BRITANY SPEARS using the ABDOMINATION-IZER, ******, ABSolutely FREE!!!

Don't wait!! CALL NOW!!!*******

* with parts made and shipped from Upper Volta, when it still was

** since public use of medieval torture devices were outlawed

*** don't have a chiropractor? This will fix that, guaran-dang-teed

**** patently ridiculous, that is

***** as yet

****** actually, we signed it and superimposed a pre-prego picture of her from one of her music videos on it. We won't tell if you won't. Then again, we don't really care if you do tell. She needs all the publicity she can get about now...

******* REQUIRED DISCLAIMER: the ABDOMINATION-IZER comes completely disassembled. Once completely assembled -- with no leftover pieces -- please take a picture of it and send it to Bonco, so we know what it's supposed to look like. Please include your resume in such a case. Bonco assumes no liability for use of the ADOMINATION-IZER by the purchaser, if the results achieved by the purchaser/user are even remotely as Bonco suggests. The ABDOMINATION-IZER technically can't be used as part of a full diet and exercise regimen in order to achieve advertised results, whatever the implications heretofore. Since physicians contracted by Bonco have insisted that assuming the required position to use the ABDOMINATION-IZER is physically impossible for mammals with vertebra, we'll assume you don't know what that means, therefore it is NOT necessary to get your physician's approval before purchasing and using the ABDOMINATION-IZER. If not completely satisfied with the ABDOMINATION-IZER after attempting to assemble and use it for over 30 days, box it up and leave it in your garage, because we won't take it back after we ship it. Bonco, UnInc., accepts no phone calls from 60 Minutes, Dateline, 20/20, or any local TV troubleshooters, though we will answer the door for Chinese food deliveries. This offer is void where "erabalubalor escobal bitte flieger schiesse undt splatten midde ploppen in das fan ist messy bird coup monsieur", is as understood as the balance of this disclaimer. FTC Disclaimer: the entire previous product endorsement has been a parody of similar product endorsements in years' past, and in product endorsements yet to come. If money did change hands, it was probably bogus script from the planet Uranus, obtained during a scouting expedition for a future movie sequel to Mars Attacks. You can guess the title, I rectum.

Dating Baiting

And you think all I've ever done was scam-baiting, didn't ya?

Well before I had received my first email scam, I had taken a few pokes at snail mail solicitations, too. Getting back to the lighter side of dating and dating soivices, my little pre-Valentine's Day prod at eHarmony.com (which still hasn't drawn a response from them) wasn't the first time I'd undertaken to poke a little fun at those who -- for money -- seek to be the grand arbiter of anything relationshipanal. And if that ain't a real word, it just became one hyar.

Back in the mid-80s, and in the wake of learning that my one true love was no longer remotely available to me via matrimony elsewhere, I was a tad on the emotionally destitute side. Sometimes a believer in 'things happening for reasons', I not long thereafter was the recipient of a snail mail solicitation for hep. Hep in finding "that special someone". A company that was nationally-renown at the time, decided that I needed hep.

Before I could ponder just how they could know I needed hep, I realized that it was just another of them 'bulk mailing' things. But what the heck: I could read into it anything I wanted, and I was a wounded free agent at that moment.

The company had a smattering of locations in the Metro area, so I selected the closest one to me and scheduled an appointment. No harm in hearing what they had to say, right? I mean, they did contact me, offering to hep.

I needed hep alright...

Arriving at the location, I sat down in a somewhat spartan reception area, and awaited the associate "assigned to hep" me. When she entered, I was momentarily nonplused: she was stunning in appearance. She greeted me ever so sweetly, introduced herself, and invited me back to her cubicle. For a couple moments, she made small talk, complimenting me on my appearance, etc, yada foo-foo.

And then she shifted gears like a high-balling trucker, and launched into her 'take no prisoners' sales pitch:

She: Are you ready to make a change?

Me: Uh, I suppose so. What am I changing?

She: Your whole approach to dating. Your whole approach to selling yourself. Are you ready to make that change?

Me: Uh, well, tell me more and we'll...

She: *leaning forward and more aggressively*...ARE YOU READY TO MAKE A CHANGE? Me: Uh...

She then settled into a talking points presentation about her company, how it worked, what it did for their clients, and what they expected of their clients. With, at regular intervals, assertions that "here, our members are ready to make a change".

I was starting to get this funny feeling, as if I had landed myself inside a Stephen King short story, like Quitters, Inc.. If you're not familiar with that story, it was about a place where smokers went when they thought they wanted to quit. None of them realized that, once signed up, they were signed up for life. Or death. There was no failure in their program. Ever. As she continued to pitch 'the program', along with ever-persistent insertions of the phrase, "are you ready to make a change?", I started to get this mental image of my beautiful sales associate, morphing into a snarling, whip-wielding Naziette, cracking the whip, screaming "ARE YOU READY TO MAKE A CHANGE, YOU SPINELESS PUPPY! YES OR NO, DAMN YOU!!!? SIGN ZE PAPERS, YOU PIG! VE HAVE VAYS OF MAKING YOU SIGN ZE PAPERS!!!".

I really do need to have a serious heart-to-heart with my imagination, but I digress.

At any rate, she kept pressing, and I kept non-committing, all the while using my dead-pan poker expression to wait for the proverbial "other shoe to drop": what it was gonna cost. I knew that this Valkyrie-like goddess-in-PMS-mode was herding me that way. For those of you who don't know what a Valkyrie is, imagine the entity that arose from the Ark of the Covenant in the first Indiana Jones movie, and what it did seconds later, and you get the general ideer.

Finally, "the other shoe" fell. If I signed up for their "basic package", I would need to make a full, up-front payment of only $1600.00.

*TOING* That one hit my wallet right between the eyes. But not as hard as the "special running now...for only $2199, not only would I get additional 'services', but I could put it on a credit card.

This was a 'special'?

After my adrenal gland had relaxed and taken the pressure off my sphincter -- all the while, Madam "Change" was staring two razor-sharp eyeholes through my soul -- I started to say that I'd like a day to mull it over. But before I could finish the sentence, I was hit with...(all together now)... "ARE YOU READY TO MAKE A CHANGE, OR AREN'T YOU?"

It seemed an appropo moment to borrow a line from none other than Cary Grant, from the movie Father Goose in reply, and I did so emphatically: "I aren't". And with that, I got up to beat a (barely) dignified, hasty retreat, before the iron bars slammed in front of me, trapping me with Madam Iron Box, until I signed ze papers. As I was leaving, I heard her faux *sigh* and say, "I guess you weren't as ready to make a change as I thought".

No sh**, Madam Iron Box (no, I didn't really say that...but something close was just within lip range).

Having barely (it seemed) gotten out of there with my life, freedom and my wallet, I figured that'd be the last I'd hear of this company, since I wasn't that ready to make a change. But a month later, here came another snail mail solicitation from them. This time, with me as the specific addressee. Inside was a 'personality profile' for me to fill out.

Another *TOING*, but not that kind. It was the kind that, in time, would become a baaaaad Skunk *TOING*

Using up time some assert that I have too much of, I completely redesigned their survey, allowing my in-need-of-a-heart-to-heart imagination to run just a touch amok, by including the earlier image in the questions/answers section. I wish I'd kept a copy of the finished product.

Or better still it's probably best I didn't.

At any rate, once done I mailed it to them, figuring that'd be that.

Well, times have changed. Now, a baited company generally tends to ignore smart asses like me. But not then. I got, on corporate letterhead, a snarky reply as thanks to my 'suggestions' about their survey, that said in part (I am paraphrasing here): We are a serious business, and you are not what we consider client-worthy.

I couldn't have agreed more, then and since.

Though, my client-unworthyness didn't stop them from sending me unsolicited mailings over the next ten or so years. Or for a few years after I went online, either. But one email reply in 1999, reminding them who I was -- and asking if Madam Iron Box was still whipping prospectives into compliant, ready-to-change clientele -- finally got them to make a change.

They -- Great Expectations -- quit contacting yours truly. *Whew*