A Gift That Keeps On...Collecting Dust (1 of 3 or so)
Want washboard abs? LOL...go buy the plastic faux one to hang on your beer gut, or read on.
*Please note, FTC, that is NOT a product endorsement*
Exercise and fitness. Americans have a love/hate relationship with it. That's cuz we love to look good. We hate to work hard to look good. Some of us do it, anyway. Others simply love the look, won't work to get it, and hate those who have it.
Specifically, they hate guys and gals with washboard abs.
If you watch much TV -- and that might 'splain a good deal of the problem -- you've no doubt seen the countless ads for a growing number of purported quick and easy exercise machines, 'guaranteed' to give you fast and fantastic results, or your money back, after a protracted battle reaching perhaps to the US Supreme Court.
With the proliferation of such advertised 'cheap and physically efficient' ab technology -- and the millions their creators rake in -- consumer advocates and news 'trouble shooters' have turned increasing scrutiny toward this proliferation of miracle products. More often than not, they tend to uncover credibility gaps in what a product actually does, versus what it's manufacturers/marketers claim. Dateline, 20/20, and a host of local TV news stations have run exposes on the claims versus the realities of these easy-to-use tummy tuckers.
Whether or not I'm performing a public soivice hyar is subjective, but I had my technical wizards at Bonco, UnInc -- makers of things like Phffft! Asure -- go out, buy, and try every abdominal exerciser on the market. Thanks to their exhaustive research, it appears (depending on what your definition of "appears" is) that Bonco, UnInc. has come up with the ultimate device that can give users that dream of washboard abs, without committing 95% of their life to achieving the goal.
So, with no further adieu:
New, from Bonco!
The ABSolute Ultimate in abdominal exercisers: the ABDOMINATION-IZER! Built in the USA*!
A complete 3-in-1 abdomination that gives you an exercise regimen never before achieved in the privacy of your own home**. A complete in-home method to develop and condition your abs to a degree you and your chiropractor could never have imagined!*** And for the exclusive low price of ONLY $199.99, you can own the technological wonders of the ABDOMINATION-IZER, delivered right to your home! YES, ONLY $199.99!!!
And if you order NOW, we'll include the patented**** ABDOMINATION-IZER Four-way Screwplers tool -- the only officially-licensed ABDOMINATION-IZER assembly tool!
Want the kind of abs no one ever conceived of having? Call 1-899-INAGONY now! Really smooth operators are sitting by to take your orders. Visa, MasterCard, Discover, AMEX, Diners Club, Texaco, Shell, and notarized promissory notes on your house, car, 401k and kids' college fund are accepted.*****
EXTRA SPECIAL OFFER: for the first 1000 to order the ABDOMINATION-IZER, we'll include an autographed picture of mega musician BRITANY SPEARS using the ABDOMINATION-IZER, ******, ABSolutely FREE!!!
Don't wait!! CALL NOW!!!*******
* with parts made and shipped from Upper Volta, when it still was
** since public use of medieval torture devices were outlawed
*** don't have a chiropractor? This will fix that, guaran-dang-teed
**** patently ridiculous, that is
***** as yet
****** actually, we signed it and superimposed a pre-prego picture of her from one of her music videos on it. We won't tell if you won't. Then again, we don't really care if you do tell. She needs all the publicity she can get about now...
******* REQUIRED DISCLAIMER: the ABDOMINATION-IZER comes completely disassembled. Once completely assembled -- with no leftover pieces -- please take a picture of it and send it to Bonco, so we know what it's supposed to look like. Please include your resume in such a case. Bonco assumes no liability for use of the ADOMINATION-IZER by the purchaser, if the results achieved by the purchaser/user are even remotely as Bonco suggests. The ABDOMINATION-IZER technically can't be used as part of a full diet and exercise regimen in order to achieve advertised results, whatever the implications heretofore. Since physicians contracted by Bonco have insisted that assuming the required position to use the ABDOMINATION-IZER is physically impossible for mammals with vertebra, we'll assume you don't know what that means, therefore it is NOT necessary to get your physician's approval before purchasing and using the ABDOMINATION-IZER. If not completely satisfied with the ABDOMINATION-IZER after attempting to assemble and use it for over 30 days, box it up and leave it in your garage, because we won't take it back after we ship it. Bonco, UnInc., accepts no phone calls from 60 Minutes, Dateline, 20/20, or any local TV troubleshooters, though we will answer the door for Chinese food deliveries. This offer is void where "erabalubalor escobal bitte flieger schiesse undt splatten midde ploppen in das fan ist messy bird coup monsieur", is as understood as the balance of this disclaimer. FTC Disclaimer: the entire previous product endorsement has been a parody of similar product endorsements in years' past, and in product endorsements yet to come. If money did change hands, it was probably bogus script from the planet Uranus, obtained during a scouting expedition for a future movie sequel to Mars Attacks. You can guess the title, I rectum.