Bonco's Unusual Holiday Gift Ideas

*A reprint from 2009, and a suggestion for last minute Christmas shoppers who are looking for something they can't find. This is definitely one of those. Sixth in the series of three *suspended disbelief* products by Bonco, almost ready for your gift giving needs this holiday season...and yes, we know we can't count. Please note the *suspended disbelief*

"Necessity is the mother of invention" -- Plato.

An intellectually stimulating way to start a column about the newest product in development by the folks at Bonco, UnInc., the same folks who brought you useful* things like the ABDOMINATION-IZER, PHFFFT Asure, and the EZ-Nav One!

"What mothuh thought it necessary to invent THIS?" -- me.

A back-to-reality way to prepare you for the rest of the story.

While winter's in the air, spring isn't all that far off, and with spring comes that itch to get to gardening, farming, etc. Of course, for any kind of agricultural activity to be successful, Ma Nature's benevolent cooperation is always a plus.

One can assume that benevolence, but as Captain Queeg loved to observe, you can't assume a gawddang thing about the Navy, Ma Nature, or much else in life. One ill-timed visit by mesocyclonic supercell thunderstorms, and those waves of amber grain, so laboriously sown, are reduced to the botanical equivalent of Kenny on South Park.

Without this in mind, I and a couple Bonco technicians were re-watching a pathetically laughable scene from the movie Twister: the scene where two stormchasers had just sacrificed his new truck with a jury-rigged tornado laboratory aboard, to an F-5 tornado in a cornfield. And just as the two 'chasers were pondering finding a Motel 6 to celebrate, the twister shifts track, and begins harvesting corn in their direction.

Before I could comment on the abject absurdity of the scene -- a real F-5 would have run them both down in seconds -- I saw the lightbulb of sudden inspiration appear and explode over the head of one of the techs.

This was an "uh-oh" moment, if ever I saw one.

Well, after months of secret research and design, the brains at Bonco are ready to let me in on their latest endeavor: one that brings together an invention of Man, a mother of a natural monstrosity, the necessity of Nature, and the thoroughly ludicrous notion that Bonco can somehow combine the three into a controlled, benevolent, productive invention, user-friendly and agriculturally viable.

They call it The Cyclonic Harvester by Bonco.

I call it the equivalent of a porcupine enema at 150 mph. Not sure which could prove worse.

On a restricted access** preserve in NE Colorado, the (mad) scientists at Bonco have been raising crops -- and then razing crops -- in a Pyrrhic effort to train fauxnados (the laboratory equivalents to the real things), in the intricacies of the harvest. Yes, that's right: they are training one of Ma Nature's most random and savage leviathans, to harvest and deliver crops for the benefit of Mankind.

The theory they labor under -- that of it they revealed to me -- is that, like in the movie Jurassic Park, if a fauxnado is artificially conceived under lab conditions, upon birth it will 'bond' with it's creator. In this case, a flock of lab-coated, absent-minded professor types. And from this first 'bonding', the transformation from awesome natural force of destruction, to benevolent, Man-loving contributor for the greater good, can be crafted.

I seem to recall a different result from the aforementioned movie -- the hatchlings tried to eat their creators -- but my negative waves weren't buying any second-thought capital at this point.

While Bonco won't discuss the patented*** and highly technical details of how they've managed to delu..er..achieve the uncredible progress they claim thus far, unnamed and scattered sources have revealed some..er...'pre-production issues' on the road to marketing. For example:

- a novice F-3 that was assigned to harvest, bale and stack a 200 acre field of hay. Net result: they found only some of the baling twine. 70 miles away, in Nebraska.

- when a gifted F-4 successfully harvested and shucked 100 acres of seed corn; it then got cornfused, and offloaded the shucked cobs into and through the designated holding structures, while decorating and perforating property outbuildings over two successive counties with billions of imbedded kernels. Litigation pending.

- an eager and willing but clumsy F-3, had to be told, via a rather pricey tornado whisperer, to put down the farm house, gently, and back away carefully. It didn't work, and the F-3 is now in therapy. What's left of the house is in Kansas.

- a rather immature F-2 that simply couldn't resist levitating and playing dominos with dairy cows on a nearby farm, and is now on time-out (how they're managing that, they're not saying and I'm not buying).

- lastly, there is another unanticipated problem: the "call of the wild" effect. When a real tornado happens by (and here, May-July, it can be often), the human-friendly assimilative training the fauxnados undergo is mildly**** undermined. A tornado is, after all, hardwired to roam free and at random, scattering terra firma and mobile homes like a bored cat does with pieces on a gaming board. A fauxnado, though man-made and at least as smart as a politician, still operates from a similar meteorological dynamic template.

To paraphrase Dr. Ian Malcolm, "Nature finds a way".

Ever undeterred by technical setbacks, pick-ups, unsubtle put-downs, warnings and lots of debris, the Bonco folks are determined to have their Cyclonic Harvester ready for the annual Farm Implements and Technologies Show***** in Omaha, NE, in the spring of 2012.

Omaha, I've given you all the warning you'll ever need.

* a claim/allegation yet to be substantiated in a lab or court

** like an asylum, families can come and visit the inmates at the 'preserve', too. Few have; small wonder why..

*** nonsense

**** more like humongus...

***** Disclaimer: if Bonco, UnInc., sets up a booth at the aforementioned show, it is hoped that the folks running the show have the sense to have Bonco conduct demonstrations of the Cyclonic Harvester at a site well away from the show, the city, and any populations. After all, we ARE dealing with a product that combines innovative technology with a force of Nature that, er, isn't easily amused with or corralled by innovative technology. Bonco only guarantees that the results of using the Cyclonic Harvester will be, in the words of one survivor, "absolutely f***ing stupdefying". FTC Disclaimer: no recompense of any kind changed hands at this stage of development; one of these Cyclonic Harvesters experiencing 'technical difficulties' could have all sorts of appendages changing geographic locations, but that's for future litigation and storm chasers to sort out.

"Titanic" -- And Bonco -- On Broadway? (5 of 3 in the series)

*Blogger's note: this was originally released in '97, and the second of the Bonco, UnInc. product line. No musicians or dancers were harmed in the making of this parody. Some lyrics may have been, but we doubt any worse than anything slaughtered at a karaoke bar, so get over it*

Broadway. For the theatre buff, Broadway simply is the place where standards are set. Tony Awards are won. Thousands of actors/actresses aspire to play to and receive critically rave reviews there. From ancient classical text adaptations, to modern contemporary and off-beat productions, Broadway is where they are given life, color, sound and music.

For better and worse.

In the fall of '96, I heard talk of a new play then in production, one centered on the ill-fated RMS Titanic. I gave it no further thought until the spring of '97, when a local TV weatherman rekindled my curiosity, when he reacted to news of it with incredulous amusement, laughing about the thought of people singing, dancing and sinking, all at once.

That notion had an effect on my friends at Bonco, too. BEFORE the Broadway play, and BEFORE the movie that propelled Leonardo Dicaprio down 12,000 feet, Bonco, UnInc -- the company that brought you The ABDOMINATION-IZER -- had put together a musical collection of "hits" from the upcoming play! And in a swim down Memory Lane, I would be remiss if I didn't offer readers another chance at this unique, ahead-of-its-time Bonco masterpiece, in time for the holidays!

With no further adieu:

A Classic from Bonco: The Greatest Hits Music Collection from the Broadway Smash, "Titanic"*!

Being re-re-released in time for civil litigation, Bonco once again brings you a classic collection of hits that will move and touch your wallet! Bonco has rinsed off the original masters they had obtained in advance of the play's opening, and are once more, in this special and exclusive offer, making available this limited edition collection! All of the songs herein were adapted** for this epic extravaganza by that acclaimed musical composer and choreogopher, Andrew "Lloyd Bridges" Wetter***.

For example, Wetter found inspiration from a Bruce Springsteen composition, and adapted it for choreogophery in a stirring rendition of Going Down. And this is just one of many such adaptations, performed by the talented (if unheralded, before now) Astor/Smith Choir and Syncronized Drowning Troupe. Consider this sample of such hits:

Rainy Days & Icebergs Always Get Me Down

You're My Soul (&) Life Preserver

Dog Paddle In Ocean, Baby

Our Boat's In Jeopardy

S-O-friggin'-S

Pardon Me Boys, Ain't That A Mother Of An Iceberg

You might expect to pay Jesse Jackson child support payment prices for an exclusive deal like this -- but you pay only $14.99! THAT'S RIGHT!

AND THAT'S NOT ALL!

If you are amongh the first 10,000 to order this special remastered re-re-issue of this 1997 smash collection, you'll receive ABSOLUTELY FREE a complete copy of all adapted lyrics to each and every song, like Wetter's stirring adaptation of the Roger Miller hit, King of the Road:

Life vests are stale and rent,

the Ti's got a..great big dent.

Can't sink? Well, call me fool..

I'd asoon be in Liverpool,

aw, but

some hours of freezin' cold,

and a...pullin' oars, why it just gets old.

I'm a 'ristocrat and above this...

Queen of the Boats.

All that and more, with this very special and limited re-re-issue offer! Be the first to own an overlooked Tony Award winning sound track****! Operators are bobbing up and down for your call at 1-899-SINKING! Only $14.99 for the one CD or two cassette collection!

Don't wait for the "fat lady" to sing on this this one***** -- CALL NOW ******!

* as reported in the November '96 New Yorker Magazine, with a scheduled opening in April, 1997

** shamelessly pirated after permission was obtained from someone subsequently learned to have no authority to authorize

*** no proveable relation to the Cats/Phantom dude

**** it probably would have won a Tony, had it not been suppressed for reasons of little things like copyright enfringement, etc.

***** I can't guarantee that this doesn't mean Roseanne; earplugs optional and up to the listener

****** this offer is void where it should be prohibited. this offer is not sanctioned by ASCAP or any reputable recording studio wherein original songs originated. Even NAPSTER wouldn't touch this one. In fact, songs herein may violate every known law and OSHA noise standard ever crafted, and may even result in Hillary Clinton running for President. The impact on pets -- biological, plant, or rock -- is as yet undetermined, and Bonco's not going to waste our slim profit margins to research it. Bonco, UnInc., is licensed under no controlling legal authority who couldn't tell us what the definition of "is" is, and is a total parody operation, thereby absolved from any legal ramifications involving production, marketing, or stains to blue dresses. If not completely satisfied with the collection, send a stamped, self-addressed envelope to yourself, 'cuz no one else will care a pinch of hamster crap, which allows Bonco to work in at least one more group that'll be pissed off by the whole thing.

FTC Disclaimer: no recompense was received or exchanged with any of the aforementioned; some insults may have been, but we don't consider those compensation, so phffffffffffft.

Yet Another Holiday Gift Ideer from Bonco (3 of 3 or so)

*From the Bonco Holiday Gift Collection*

Though the winter winds of December are upon us, it won't be long before spring is again in the air, in most places except North Dakota*. But with spring, something else returns to the air, too: BUGS. All kindsa bugs. Whether they fly, leap, skitter or crawl, they're all coming at you like blood-sucking lawyers that are trying to break up common sense litigation reform.

But this Christmas season**, Bonco, UnInc -- makers of Phffft! Asure and The Cyclonic Harvester, amongst other things -- has the perfect Xmas gift that will allow you to take back your yard, patio and other exterior environs, during the height of the "what bugs you" season***. And that, my friends is:

The FULLY AUTOMATED PEST-CONTROLLING BUGABOOM! by BONCO!

It's springtime, and you've got a backyard out there just aching for you to be mowing, manicuring and preparing it for outside activities of summer, to be shared with family and friends. But unfortunately, also to be shared with unwanted party crashers of the most annoying kind: BUGS.

Oh sure, you can put up bug zappers, or spray to kill and repel the little beasties, with all those unpleasant side affects. OR ... thanks to Bonco, you can reclaim your yard and take the fight to the BUGS, thanks to the FULLY AUTOMATED PEST-CONTROLLING BugaBOOM! by Bonco, the latest in a series of technology-stretching ventures****, to make your leisure time even more leisurely, utilizing proven technology of the US Military*****. Yes, Bonco has taken the secrets of the CIWS******, and reduced it to pest-control form, safe to use from the comfort of your own home, patio or porch*******.

Just set up the BugaBOOM! on an exposed corner of your back patio, program the sensitivity setting for your specific environs, and your bug problems are over********. Be it mosquitoes, biting flies, bees, wasps, hornets, palmetto bugs or others, the BugaBOOM! will stop them cold up to 500 feet away! And with it's automatic tracking radar, the BugaBOOM! reacts instantly to any new threat detected*********!

The Bonco FAPC BugaBOOM! comes completely assembled, with a user-friendly instruction manual and an added extended ammo drum (for those insect-heavy environments), and a six month supply of ammunition (100% biodegradeable stainless steel pellets the size of granulated salt)**********!

All of this is yours IF YOU ORDER NOW for the very reasonable cost of ONLY $9,995.95 (monthly payment options available)! And if you order RIGHT NOW, we'll throw in, absolutely FREE, kevlar structure protective sheets*********** for your home, outbuildings and dog house (a regular $7,995.95 value)!

Operators are hunkered down and braced at 1-999-BugBOOM! Don't let another summer drive you buggy! Call TODAY************!

* Well, okay, so North Dakota isn't that bad..or maybe it is. Never been there.

** and the past several, since 1997

*** see Disclaimer for cautionary use against political TV and radio ads

**** a few, er.."bugs" are still being worked out...see Disclaimer

***** Uh, they don't really know we are using this technology, so PLEASE don't tell?

****** a Vulcan Close-In-Weapons-System mini-gun, capable of firing 6,000 rounds per minute

******* provided you fully read and understand the Disclaimer

******** there might be a few new ones in your immediate future, though; see Disclaimer

********* there might be other larger items also detected and attacked...you REALLY NEED to read the Disclaimer

********** hey, that's what our glue-sniffing environmental engineer says, when he's sober

*********** make sure you use these things; see Disclaimer

************ DISCLAIMER: the makers of Bonco's FAPC BugaBOOM! are forced to advise purchasers that this product, while guaranteed to be 100% effective against flying pests, has also proven in tests to be 100% effective against flying non-pests, including but not limited to: butterflies, sports balls, frisbees, horseshoes, birds of any species, bats, RC planes, kites, bubbles, or anything else that ascends above an altitude of 2' within the tracking range of the BugaBOOM!s radar system. This also includes any wind-generated motion of tree branches, wind chimes, hanging plants, power lines, etc., within the 750' range of the BugaBOOM! Bonco is also reluctantly forced to tell purchasers of the FAPC BugaBOOM! that any outbuildings inadvertently serving as a backdrop for a 'target' -- legitimate or not -- can be reduced to sawdust in a matter of seconds, if not protected with the special kevlar protective sheeting. Users of the FAPC BugaBOOM! might want to suggest to their in-range neighbors to buy and install the kevlar protective sheeting, too. Or not, if you don't like your neighbors.

Bonco, UnInc., is not liable for any unauthorized uses of the BugaBOOM! not originally intended or thought of, or for any other uses that were intended and thought of but not mentioned herein, or for any thought of, intended and executed as suggested herein, in the event of failure of the purchaser to read and understand this disclaimer, or the 1,300 page user's manual that reads like an unread-by-legislators hellthcare bill. Bonco, UnInc., is especially not liable if you are (a) a coyote and think this is the answer to bagging the Roadrunner (b) planning to use the BugaBOOM against political ads the next election cycle and/or (c) if you are an environmentalist liberal who thinks that mosquitoes have rights to other peoples' blood. FTC Disclaimer: believe me, if this thing was not a parody, Bonco would have bug rights activists up their butts, without you clowns showing up to demand disclosure. Make yourselves useful for once in your pathetic careers, and go examine AlGore's global warming scam.

Another Gift That Keeps On...Phfffting (2 of 3 or so)

*From the website and Bonco gift-giving archives...*

As the holiday season approaches, Americans think of Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years, and all the opportunities and activities these special occasions provide us (excluding seething ACLUers, atheists, and the jolly-dysfunctional among us).

One of the more festive activities of the season is holiday parties. In thousands of businesses and millions of families, holiday parties and gatherings are in full swing. Unfortunately, as you all know, lots of food is the foundation of these parties, and so many foods favored by party caterers and goers have one natural but undesirable side affect in common: GAS.

There, I said it: GAS.

Having said it, I'm here with a solution to it. Or actually, my friends at Bonco, UnInc., are here with a solution. You remember Bonco: the company that came out with the ground (and other things) breaking EZ-NAV ONE, or their Titanic Greatest Musical Hits Collection. Now -- against my better judgment that you're still waiting for me to exercise -- I'm here on behalf of Bonco to highlight yet another timely product in the Bonco tradition.

Thus....NEW FROM BONCO:

PHFFFT ASURE!

If you're like us*, you love to eat. Unfortunately as experience shows, not everything you truly love to eat, loves you afterward. Many of the foods we savor -- even those good for us -- result in painful, embarrassing, offensive GAS. Some of which can fry the olfactory sensors in a skunk, which is frowned upon in social circles.

BUT NOT ANY MORE!

PHFFFT ASURE! lets you eat all the raw veggies, deviled eggs, pizza, garlic, onion rings and corned beef & cabbage you can hold. With PHFFFT ASURE!, you can eat what you want, whenever and almost wherever you want, and be secure in the knowledge that your flatulence WILL NOT SMELL!!!**

PHFFFT ASURE! works with your digestive system to neutralize harmful methane and worse odors at the source. You can now relieve pressure with confidence, and know that you won't melt a row of people in the buffet line, or start a potentially catastrophic stampede toward the exits! And because PHFFFT ASURE! is 100% synthetically bioengineered***, there are practically no side-affects****!

To receive a 30 day supply for only $29.95, call 1-899-NONGASP now! Olfactory-dysfunctional operators***** are anchored to take your call!

DON'T WAIT -- CALL NOW******!!!

* let's hope not TOO much like us

** what it lacks in 'spritz', it makes up for in sheer volume...see Disclaimer

*** so we were informed by our alcoholic staff chemist during a rare moment of sobriety

**** You REALLY NEED TO see Disclaimer

***** Explained in the Disclaimer

****** DISCLAIMER: PHFFFT ASURE! is in no way, shape or smell affiliated with the makers of Breath Asure (FTC, keep reading). While the manufacturers of PHFFFT ASURE! guarantee that your methane expellants will be odor-free, testing suggests the possibility that audible episodes will increase in both frequency and force, as geometrically compared to the olfactory reduction. It is therefore strongly suggested that all fragile/delicate items be secured or removed from within a 500 sq foot radius for up to SIX HOURS after using PHFFFT ASURE! Activities like rollerblading, skateboarding, parasailing, parachuting, kayaking and touring priceless china and pottery exhibits should be curtailed as well. Use of PHFFFT ASURE! aboard commercial airliners and cruise ships is discouraged as well, unless you want to be the seminal cause of the next AIRPLANE or POSEIDEN ADVENTURE movie. Bonco, UnInc., is not responsible for any failure by the user(s) of PHFFFT ASURE! to exercise these few, simple precautions, while using this product. Bonco, UnInc., is also indemnified and held harmless for any resultant noise complaints, skirt ballooning, physical or psychological damage to pets, stress fractures in nearby solid objects, or anything that can remotely cause injury or damage to anyone or anything during sonic-boom-force flatulence. Use of PHFFFT ASURE! before an IRS audit or testimony before the US Congress is recommended to enliven an otherwise bureaucratically dull experience. FTC Disclaimer: that's, I say, that's a joke, gender neutrals. It's a parody...p-a-r-o-d-y. If money had changed hands, one detonation from PHFFFT ASURE! and it would have been blown to Uranus, or further, so money would have never made it to the second hand, y'see.

A Gift That Keeps On...Collecting Dust (1 of 3 or so)

* Note: in 2009, the FTC revised rules regarding bloggers and product endorsements, etc., instituting fines up to $11,000 for failure of a blogger to reveal recompense between a product manufacturer/marketer and a blogger acting as a product endorser. Thus, please note in the next four holiday reposts, that this h'yar blogger has added a wee xtra Disclaimer to the Disclaimer regarding required revelation of recompense between this h'yar blogger and the company Bonco, UnInc....*

Want washboard abs? LOL...go buy the plastic faux one to hang on your beer gut, or read on.

*Please note, FTC, that is NOT a product endorsement*

Exercise and fitness. Americans have a love/hate relationship with it. That's cuz we love to look good. We hate to work hard to look good. Some of us do it, anyway. Others simply love the look, won't work to get it, and hate those who have it.

Specifically, they hate guys and gals with washboard abs.

If you watch much TV -- and that might 'splain a good deal of the problem -- you've no doubt seen the countless ads for a growing number of purported quick and easy exercise machines, 'guaranteed' to give you fast and fantastic results, or your money back, after a protracted battle reaching perhaps to the US Supreme Court.

With the proliferation of such advertised 'cheap and physically efficient' ab technology -- and the millions their creators rake in -- consumer advocates and news 'trouble shooters' have turned increasing scrutiny toward this proliferation of miracle products. More often than not, they tend to uncover credibility gaps in what a product actually does, versus what it's manufacturers/marketers claim. Dateline, 20/20, and a host of local TV news stations have run exposes on the claims versus the realities of these easy-to-use tummy tuckers.

Whether or not I'm performing a public soivice hyar is subjective, but I had my technical wizards at Bonco, UnInc -- makers of things like Phffft! Asure -- go out, buy, and try every abdominal exerciser on the market. Thanks to their exhaustive research, it appears (depending on what your definition of "appears" is) that Bonco, UnInc. has come up with the ultimate device that can give users that dream of washboard abs, without committing 95% of their life to achieving the goal.

So, with no further adieu:

New, from Bonco!

The ABSolute Ultimate in abdominal exercisers: the ABDOMINATION-IZER! Built in the USA*!

A complete 3-in-1 abdomination that gives you an exercise regimen never before achieved in the privacy of your own home**. A complete in-home method to develop and condition your abs to a degree you and your chiropractor could never have imagined!*** And for the exclusive low price of ONLY $199.99, you can own the technological wonders of the ABDOMINATION-IZER, delivered right to your home! YES, ONLY $199.99!!!

And if you order NOW, we'll include the patented**** ABDOMINATION-IZER Four-way Screwplers tool -- the only officially-licensed ABDOMINATION-IZER assembly tool!

Want the kind of abs no one ever conceived of having? Call 1-899-INAGONY now! Really smooth operators are sitting by to take your orders. Visa, MasterCard, Discover, AMEX, Diners Club, Texaco, Shell, and notarized promissory notes on your house, car, 401k and kids' college fund are accepted.*****

EXTRA SPECIAL OFFER: for the first 1000 to order the ABDOMINATION-IZER, we'll include an autographed picture of mega musician BRITANY SPEARS using the ABDOMINATION-IZER, ******, ABSolutely FREE!!!

Don't wait!! CALL NOW!!!*******

* with parts made and shipped from Upper Volta, when it still was

** since public use of medieval torture devices were outlawed

*** don't have a chiropractor? This will fix that, guaran-dang-teed

**** patently ridiculous, that is

***** as yet

****** actually, we signed it and superimposed a pre-prego picture of her from one of her music videos on it. We won't tell if you won't. Then again, we don't really care if you do tell. She needs all the publicity she can get about now...

******* REQUIRED DISCLAIMER: the ABDOMINATION-IZER comes completely disassembled. Once completely assembled -- with no leftover pieces -- please take a picture of it and send it to Bonco, so we know what it's supposed to look like. Please include your resume in such a case. Bonco assumes no liability for use of the ADOMINATION-IZER by the purchaser, if the results achieved by the purchaser/user are even remotely as Bonco suggests. The ABDOMINATION-IZER technically can't be used as part of a full diet and exercise regimen in order to achieve advertised results, whatever the implications heretofore. Since physicians contracted by Bonco have insisted that assuming the required position to use the ABDOMINATION-IZER is physically impossible for mammals with vertebra, we'll assume you don't know what that means, therefore it is NOT necessary to get your physician's approval before purchasing and using the ABDOMINATION-IZER. If not completely satisfied with the ABDOMINATION-IZER after attempting to assemble and use it for over 30 days, box it up and leave it in your garage, because we won't take it back after we ship it. Bonco, UnInc., accepts no phone calls from 60 Minutes, Dateline, 20/20, or any local TV troubleshooters, though we will answer the door for Chinese food deliveries. This offer is void where "erabalubalor escobal bitte flieger schiesse undt splatten midde ploppen in das fan ist messy bird coup monsieur", is as understood as the balance of this disclaimer. FTC Disclaimer: the entire previous product endorsement has been a parody of similar product endorsements in years' past, and in product endorsements yet to come. If money did change hands, it was probably bogus script from the planet Uranus, obtained during a scouting expedition for a future movie sequel to Mars Attacks. You can guess the title, I rectum.