"Titanic" -- And Bonco -- On Broadway? (5 of 3 in the series)

*Blogger's note: this was originally released in '97, and the second of the Bonco, UnInc. product line. No musicians or dancers were harmed in the making of this parody. Some lyrics may have been, but we doubt any worse than anything slaughtered at a karaoke bar, so get over it*

Broadway. For the theatre buff, Broadway simply is the place where standards are set. Tony Awards are won. Thousands of actors/actresses aspire to play to and receive critically rave reviews there. From ancient classical text adaptations, to modern contemporary and off-beat productions, Broadway is where they are given life, color, sound and music.

For better and worse.

In the fall of '96, I heard talk of a new play then in production, one centered on the ill-fated RMS Titanic. I gave it no further thought until the spring of '97, when a local TV weatherman rekindled my curiosity, when he reacted to news of it with incredulous amusement, laughing about the thought of people singing, dancing and sinking, all at once.

That notion had an effect on my friends at Bonco, too. BEFORE the Broadway play, and BEFORE the movie that propelled Leonardo Dicaprio down 12,000 feet, Bonco, UnInc -- the company that brought you The ABDOMINATION-IZER -- had put together a musical collection of "hits" from the upcoming play! And in a swim down Memory Lane, I would be remiss if I didn't offer readers another chance at this unique, ahead-of-its-time Bonco masterpiece, in time for the holidays!

With no further adieu:

A Classic from Bonco: The Greatest Hits Music Collection from the Broadway Smash, "Titanic"*!

Being re-re-released in time for civil litigation, Bonco once again brings you a classic collection of hits that will move and touch your wallet! Bonco has rinsed off the original masters they had obtained in advance of the play's opening, and are once more, in this special and exclusive offer, making available this limited edition collection! All of the songs herein were adapted** for this epic extravaganza by that acclaimed musical composer and choreogopher, Andrew "Lloyd Bridges" Wetter***.

For example, Wetter found inspiration from a Bruce Springsteen composition, and adapted it for choreogophery in a stirring rendition of Going Down. And this is just one of many such adaptations, performed by the talented (if unheralded, before now) Astor/Smith Choir and Syncronized Drowning Troupe. Consider this sample of such hits:

Rainy Days & Icebergs Always Get Me Down

You're My Soul (&) Life Preserver

Dog Paddle In Ocean, Baby

Our Boat's In Jeopardy

S-O-friggin'-S

Pardon Me Boys, Ain't That A Mother Of An Iceberg

You might expect to pay Jesse Jackson child support payment prices for an exclusive deal like this -- but you pay only $14.99! THAT'S RIGHT!

AND THAT'S NOT ALL!

If you are amongh the first 10,000 to order this special remastered re-re-issue of this 1997 smash collection, you'll receive ABSOLUTELY FREE a complete copy of all adapted lyrics to each and every song, like Wetter's stirring adaptation of the Roger Miller hit, King of the Road:

Life vests are stale and rent,

the Ti's got a..great big dent.

Can't sink? Well, call me fool..

I'd asoon be in Liverpool,

aw, but

some hours of freezin' cold,

and a...pullin' oars, why it just gets old.

I'm a 'ristocrat and above this...

Queen of the Boats.

All that and more, with this very special and limited re-re-issue offer! Be the first to own an overlooked Tony Award winning sound track****! Operators are bobbing up and down for your call at 1-899-SINKING! Only $14.99 for the one CD or two cassette collection!

Don't wait for the "fat lady" to sing on this this one***** -- CALL NOW ******!

* as reported in the November '96 New Yorker Magazine, with a scheduled opening in April, 1997

** shamelessly pirated after permission was obtained from someone subsequently learned to have no authority to authorize

*** no proveable relation to the Cats/Phantom dude

**** it probably would have won a Tony, had it not been suppressed for reasons of little things like copyright enfringement, etc.

***** I can't guarantee that this doesn't mean Roseanne; earplugs optional and up to the listener

****** this offer is void where it should be prohibited. this offer is not sanctioned by ASCAP or any reputable recording studio wherein original songs originated. Even NAPSTER wouldn't touch this one. In fact, songs herein may violate every known law and OSHA noise standard ever crafted, and may even result in Hillary Clinton running for President. The impact on pets -- biological, plant, or rock -- is as yet undetermined, and Bonco's not going to waste our slim profit margins to research it. Bonco, UnInc., is licensed under no controlling legal authority who couldn't tell us what the definition of "is" is, and is a total parody operation, thereby absolved from any legal ramifications involving production, marketing, or stains to blue dresses. If not completely satisfied with the collection, send a stamped, self-addressed envelope to yourself, 'cuz no one else will care a pinch of hamster crap, which allows Bonco to work in at least one more group that'll be pissed off by the whole thing.

FTC Disclaimer: no recompense was received or exchanged with any of the aforementioned; some insults may have been, but we don't consider those compensation, so phffffffffffft.