Saturday, December 12, 2009

"Titanic" -- And Bonco -- On Broadway? (5 of 3 in the series)


*Blogger's note: this was originally released in '97, and the second of the Bonco, UnInc. product line. No musicians or dancers were harmed in the making of this parody. Some lyrics may have been, but we doubt any worse than anything slaughtered at a karaoke bar, so get over it*
Broadway. For the theatre buff, Broadway simply is the place where standards are set. Tony Awards are won. Thousands of actors/actresses aspire to play to and receive critically rave reviews there. From ancient classical text adaptations, to modern contemporary and off-beat productions, Broadway is where they are given life, color, sound and music.
For better and worse.
In the fall of '96, I heard talk of a new play then in production, one centered on the ill-fated RMS Titanic. I gave it no further thought until the spring of '97, when a local TV weatherman rekindled my curiosity, when he reacted to news of it with incredulous amusement, laughing about the thought of people singing, dancing and sinking, all at once.
That notion had an effect on my friends at Bonco, too. BEFORE the Broadway play, and BEFORE the movie that propelled Leonardo Dicaprio down 12,000 feet, Bonco, UnInc -- the company that brought you The ABDOMINATION-IZER -- had put together a musical collection of "hits" from the upcoming play! And in a swim down Memory Lane, I would be remiss if I didn't offer readers another chance at this unique, ahead-of-its-time Bonco masterpiece, in time for the holidays!
With no further adieu:
A Classic from Bonco: The Greatest Hits Music Collection from the Broadway Smash, "Titanic"*!
Being re-re-released in time for civil litigation, Bonco once again brings you a classic collection of hits that will move and touch your wallet! Bonco has rinsed off the original masters they had obtained in advance of the play's opening, and are once more, in this special and exclusive offer, making available this limited edition collection! All of the songs herein were adapted** for this epic extravaganza by that acclaimed musical composer and choreogopher, Andrew "Lloyd Bridges" Wetter***.
For example, Wetter found inspiration from a Bruce Springsteen composition, and adapted it for choreogophery in a stirring rendition of Going Down. And this is just one of many such adaptations, performed by the talented (if unheralded, before now) Astor/Smith Choir and Syncronized Drowning Troupe. Consider this sample of such hits:
Rainy Days & Icebergs Always Get Me Down
You're My Soul (&) Life Preserver
Dog Paddle In Ocean, Baby
Our Boat's In Jeopardy
S-O-friggin'-S
Pardon Me Boys, Ain't That A Mother Of An Iceberg
You might expect to pay Jesse Jackson child support payment prices for an exclusive deal like this -- but you pay only $14.99! THAT'S RIGHT!
AND THAT'S NOT ALL!
If you are amongh the first 10,000 to order this special remastered re-re-issue of this 1997 smash collection, you'll receive ABSOLUTELY FREE a complete copy of all adapted lyrics to each and every song, like Wetter's stirring adaptation of the Roger Miller hit, King of the Road:
Life vests are stale and rent,
the Ti's got a..great big dent.
Can't sink? Well, call me fool..
I'd asoon be in Liverpool,
aw, but
some hours of freezin' cold,
and a...pullin' oars, why it just gets old.
I'm a 'ristocrat and above this...
Queen of the Boats.
All that and more, with this very special and limited re-re-issue offer! Be the first to own an overlooked Tony Award winning sound track****! Operators are bobbing up and down for your call at 1-899-SINKING! Only $14.99 for the one CD or two cassette collection!
Don't wait for the "fat lady" to sing on this this one***** -- CALL NOW ******!
* as reported in the November '96 New Yorker Magazine, with a scheduled opening in April, 1997
** shamelessly pirated after permission was obtained from someone subsequently learned to have no authority to authorize
*** no proveable relation to the Cats/Phantom dude
**** it probably would have won a Tony, had it not been suppressed for reasons of little things like copyright enfringement, etc.
***** I can't guarantee that this doesn't mean Roseanne; earplugs optional and up to the listener
****** this offer is void where it should be prohibited. this offer is not sanctioned by ASCAP or any reputable recording studio wherein original songs originated. Even NAPSTER wouldn't touch this one. In fact, songs herein may violate every known law and OSHA noise standard ever crafted, and may even result in Hillary Clinton running for President. The impact on pets -- biological, plant, or rock -- is as yet undetermined, and Bonco's not going to waste our slim profit margins to research it. Bonco, UnInc., is licensed under no controlling legal authority who couldn't tell us what the definition of "is" is, and is a total parody operation, thereby absolved from any legal ramifications involving production, marketing, or stains to blue dresses. If not completely satisfied with the collection, send a stamped, self-addressed envelope to yourself, 'cuz no one else will care a pinch of hamster crap, which allows Bonco to work in at least one more group that'll be pissed off by the whole thing.
FTC Disclaimer: no recompense was received or exchanged with any of the aforementioned; some insults may have been, but we don't consider those compensation, so phffffffffffft.

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5 Comments:

Blogger Debbie said...

You're My Soul (&) Life Preserver, that's a good one.

If we lived in New York I would be seeing Broadway plays every weekend. We have to travel 2 hours to Nashville to see a Broadway show here in Tennessee, or 3 hours to Memphis. We've seen three of Andrew Lloyd Weber's plays and wow, just wow.

Nothing like it.

Debbie
Right Truth
http://www.righttruth.typepad.com

12 December, 2009 07:26  
Blogger Sandee said...

You have such a twisted mind. I really like that about you.

Have a terrific day. :)

12 December, 2009 08:53  
Blogger Sniffles and Smiles said...

Mike...once again, you have me laughing outloud...not many can claim that honor...I'm am generally given to smiles and the simple "bobbing" up and down of the head...but you always make me break my silence!!! Hilarious... And your re-do of King of the Road...priceless (It was one of my father's favorite songs in its original form...but I'm sure he would have roared over this rendition). But my favorite line? "This offer is void where it should be prohibited." You got me with that one...my entire household is wondering what the heck is going on with me...as I'm laughing uncontrollably...I love these Bonco posts/ads...Will have to read the two previous ones that I missed later today as I'm on the run...but just had to tell you that this is genius!! Loved it! Hugs for you my funny friend~ You are a gift!!!! Love, Janine

12 December, 2009 11:40  
Blogger Serena said...

Your writing always gives me a much-needed belly laugh. Keep 'em coming. Please!:)

13 December, 2009 19:53  
Blogger The Things We Carried said...

Well, who can resist the titles and the lyrics? Not I :).

14 December, 2009 17:58  

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