Finally, It's About Time (To End) Bonco Products
*The 7th of 3 Christmas shopping ideers from the labs and retrievers of Bonco, UnInc, in time to make a mess of your holiday gift shopping list*
Time is an issue unto itself. Time travel, a whole nother ball game. One that my friends at Bonco, UnInc., should never have taken me seriously about.
It all started when I closely examined my regular commute to work: by bus, an average of 90 minutes, each way. If I drove -- more expensive -- it was 45 minutes each way. Then, of course, there was the shift itself. A busy shift, eh...time flew. A slow shift...time was a weight upon the soul of the clock-watching man/woman.
So what if...just what if...a device could be created to accelerate and decelerate time, according to the needs of the person?
Yeah, I know....my pet rock, Seymour, just gave me a *that's about the dumbest thing I've ever heard in the last five minutes from you* look. He patiently explains to me that time is what it is, and to mess with time is to play with space-time-continuum fire. When I ask how is that, he goes back to watching The Outer Limits, and hiding under the loveseat.
Then, I reckon I goofed by discussing the idea with my friends at Bonco, UnInc....a really bad *TOING* and months later, they tell me they have designed a prototype device to do all I came up with, and more. They call it.....Bonco's All About Time Accelerator/Decelerator & Travel Device.
This has all the sound of another bad AlGore scam to it.
According to the theories* espoused in the technical hypotenuse (Seymour, that's what they called it...stop pointing & laughing at me), this highly-technical-yet-user-friendly device will allow the user to, after logging in various and sundry biorythems and other bodily information**, set parameters for time acceleration and deceleration, according to the needs/desires of the user.
For example: your work day -- from commute there to commute home -- is, say, 14 hours. Set the accelerator on the AATA/D&TD, and wha la, your work day passes at 6 times the normal for the average human. SIX TIMES!*** And when you arrive home, set the auto-reverse feature on the AATA/D&TD, and wha la, your leisure time goes by at one-sixth the normal time for a poor sot not equipped with Bonco's time wonder. ONE-SIXTH!****
Just imagine: your leisure weekends can now seem longer***** than your work week to get there! And imagine vacations! And all, at the touch of a few****** buttons on Bonco's wonder device, the All About Time Accelerator/Decelerator & Travel Device, by Bonco.
You noted the '& Travel Device' at the end...this was a special touch******* added by the innovative scientists in the R&D section at Bonco. They had a notion to add in a time travel feature, so that the proud owner and user of the Bonco AATA/D&TD could go back or forward in Time, using various and sundry calculations garnered from various time/space experiments********, and allow the lucky few********* to own and operate the AATA/D&TD, and view history (or the future) as it actually happened, without being able to interfere with it**********.
And all for the very reasonable price of $1,999,999.95 (this was said with a straight face, I might add). I reckon the marketers at Bonco reckon some folks can print money as readily as the government is now.
Unfortunately, there is one wee little glitch in taking the AATA/D&TD from testing and refining into production and distribution: the test team that took the AATA/D&TD out for a "spin", hasn't been seen, since. It isn't known if they went backward or forward.
I was, uh...asked to inquire amongst you readers out there...have, uh, any of you seen a funny-looking "flying platform", with three white-coated, hysterically-screaming technicians, go flashing through your or your kin's past or recent present? Or if you see them tomorrow, next year, or sometime in the future when you still remember having read this...would you please tell them (a) to return the device to September 1, 2009, and (b) they're fired.
* a mix of theories collected from The Time Tunnel, Quantum Leap, Lost in Space, Star Trek (TOS and IV), Back to/from The Future, and Einstein's discarded theory of Relatives From Hell overstaying on Holidays.
** including for reasons unrevealed but probably revealing in and of themselves, your belch/flatulence frequency and propensity, which I was told can cause tears and ripples in the space/time continuum elevator
*** in the as yet undrafted Disclaimer, there IS a warning about operating at six times the normal speed, and how something as simple as a cut can cause the person to..er.."ignite" or something like that...
**** in that same undrafted Disclaimer, it is recommended that you stay out of places where vehicles are running 6 times faster than you can...just a bit of an inconvenience
***** especially if your wife is big on "honey-do" lists...
****** it's really only a few, after you've made the primary instrumentation calibration and necessary 97,869 inputs and calculations into the on-board computer and collision-avoidance travel system, which I'm told by Bonco is as easy to learn as calculus without a calculator or scratch pad
******* which can't be rated on how well it's working until the prototype returns from wherever it went...
******** see the first *
********* pricey? Eh...what's a couple million against being able to watch some rich liberal tree huggers go back to prehistoric times, and get eaten by a triciploplotz? Good entertainment is, after all, worth the price of admission...
********** an assumption still under review, and will be until the prototype team returns...if ever...