Bettin' On The Moon Tonight

There's a rumor afoot that 'Vegas is looking to start allowing betting on political elections.

We've already gambled and lost enough there, I reckon.

But that's a nice lead-in to my subject of the week:  basketball.  Especially March Madness basketball.

As I noted in a post a few years back -- hOOPs -- I am not a fan of the sport.  I don't follow it.  I barely understand how to play it.  And in high school gym class, or on one scar-studded college intramural team, I proved that beyond all doubt.  For every point I scored, I committed 1.somethin' er other fouls.

If there was a Basketball Hall of Shame, I'd be there.  My bust, that is...'cuz my game was, too.

Still...like so many of us human-type-thangs, I occasionally like to dabble in things beyond my ability to grasp.  I've done that repeatedly under the heading of "understanding women", and ever since my testosterone started to carbonate.  And even though my 'fizz' has begun to fade, I can tell you that after years of practical application and practice, I still can't understand women.

But I'll keep trying.  Stubbornness in the face of impossibility  ;-)

So might you view my having tried filling out a bracket for March Madness the past two years.  Last year -- the first time I dun it -- my picks were uninspired nonsense.  I had no idea who to pick or why, so I used an old fashioned method:  I asked my pet rock, Seymour.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh no you don't!  PHHHHFFFFFFTTTTT!"

Well, I did ask him.  He just wouldn't answer, so I made my picks based solely on their respective win-loss records.

And by the end of the first round, my bracket had imploded.  It didn't matter that somehow, two of my Final Four picks made it to the Final Four, even if neither made the Final Two.

So I resolved not to ask Seymour this year.

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

How did I pick, you ask?  How did a person as low information basketballally as me make reasonable, rational, clearly mathematically-probable bracket selections, with the idea of having a credible shot at picking the ultimate March Madness winner?

PUH-lease.  It's me we're talking about.

I started out with 68 choices.  I wound up with 1. 

And after the first round -- to cut the field in half -- my bracket is again resembling a balsa wood house that was hit by an EF-500 tornado.

Yet, my Final Four are almost still in.  Even if two of them barely made it, and one of them isn't in anyone elses' bracket.

Yes, with all my learned inexpertise, I am probably the only one in the country who predicts that William & Mary will win the NCAA College Basketball Tournament for 2013.

I am sure that Seymour would agree.

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTT!!!!!".

Told ya.

"Titanic" -- And Bonco -- On Broadway? (5 of 3 in the series)

*Blogger's note: this was originally released in '97, and the second of the Bonco, UnInc. product line. No musicians or dancers were harmed in the making of this parody. Some lyrics may have been, but we doubt any worse than anything slaughtered at a karaoke bar, so get over it*

Broadway. For the theatre buff, Broadway simply is the place where standards are set. Tony Awards are won. Thousands of actors/actresses aspire to play to and receive critically rave reviews there. From ancient classical text adaptations, to modern contemporary and off-beat productions, Broadway is where they are given life, color, sound and music.

For better and worse.

In the fall of '96, I heard talk of a new play then in production, one centered on the ill-fated RMS Titanic. I gave it no further thought until the spring of '97, when a local TV weatherman rekindled my curiosity, when he reacted to news of it with incredulous amusement, laughing about the thought of people singing, dancing and sinking, all at once.

That notion had an effect on my friends at Bonco, too. BEFORE the Broadway play, and BEFORE the movie that propelled Leonardo Dicaprio down 12,000 feet, Bonco, UnInc -- the company that brought you The ABDOMINATION-IZER -- had put together a musical collection of "hits" from the upcoming play! And in a swim down Memory Lane, I would be remiss if I didn't offer readers another chance at this unique, ahead-of-its-time Bonco masterpiece, in time for the holidays!

With no further adieu:

A Classic from Bonco: The Greatest Hits Music Collection from the Broadway Smash, "Titanic"*!

Being re-re-released in time for civil litigation, Bonco once again brings you a classic collection of hits that will move and touch your wallet! Bonco has rinsed off the original masters they had obtained in advance of the play's opening, and are once more, in this special and exclusive offer, making available this limited edition collection! All of the songs herein were adapted** for this epic extravaganza by that acclaimed musical composer and choreogopher, Andrew "Lloyd Bridges" Wetter***.

For example, Wetter found inspiration from a Bruce Springsteen composition, and adapted it for choreogophery in a stirring rendition of Going Down. And this is just one of many such adaptations, performed by the talented (if unheralded, before now) Astor/Smith Choir and Syncronized Drowning Troupe. Consider this sample of such hits:

Rainy Days & Icebergs Always Get Me Down

You're My Soul (&) Life Preserver

Dog Paddle In Ocean, Baby

Our Boat's In Jeopardy

S-O-friggin'-S

Pardon Me Boys, Ain't That A Mother Of An Iceberg

You might expect to pay Jesse Jackson child support payment prices for an exclusive deal like this -- but you pay only $14.99! THAT'S RIGHT!

AND THAT'S NOT ALL!

If you are amongh the first 10,000 to order this special remastered re-re-issue of this 1997 smash collection, you'll receive ABSOLUTELY FREE a complete copy of all adapted lyrics to each and every song, like Wetter's stirring adaptation of the Roger Miller hit, King of the Road:

Life vests are stale and rent,

the Ti's got a..great big dent.

Can't sink? Well, call me fool..

I'd asoon be in Liverpool,

aw, but

some hours of freezin' cold,

and a...pullin' oars, why it just gets old.

I'm a 'ristocrat and above this...

Queen of the Boats.

All that and more, with this very special and limited re-re-issue offer! Be the first to own an overlooked Tony Award winning sound track****! Operators are bobbing up and down for your call at 1-899-SINKING! Only $14.99 for the one CD or two cassette collection!

Don't wait for the "fat lady" to sing on this this one***** -- CALL NOW ******!

* as reported in the November '96 New Yorker Magazine, with a scheduled opening in April, 1997

** shamelessly pirated after permission was obtained from someone subsequently learned to have no authority to authorize

*** no proveable relation to the Cats/Phantom dude

**** it probably would have won a Tony, had it not been suppressed for reasons of little things like copyright enfringement, etc.

***** I can't guarantee that this doesn't mean Roseanne; earplugs optional and up to the listener

****** this offer is void where it should be prohibited. this offer is not sanctioned by ASCAP or any reputable recording studio wherein original songs originated. Even NAPSTER wouldn't touch this one. In fact, songs herein may violate every known law and OSHA noise standard ever crafted, and may even result in Hillary Clinton running for President. The impact on pets -- biological, plant, or rock -- is as yet undetermined, and Bonco's not going to waste our slim profit margins to research it. Bonco, UnInc., is licensed under no controlling legal authority who couldn't tell us what the definition of "is" is, and is a total parody operation, thereby absolved from any legal ramifications involving production, marketing, or stains to blue dresses. If not completely satisfied with the collection, send a stamped, self-addressed envelope to yourself, 'cuz no one else will care a pinch of hamster crap, which allows Bonco to work in at least one more group that'll be pissed off by the whole thing.

FTC Disclaimer: no recompense was received or exchanged with any of the aforementioned; some insults may have been, but we don't consider those compensation, so phffffffffffft.

Bonco Speaks Your Language...Sorta (4 of 3 or so)

*From the Bonco Gift Giving Archives and #4 of 3...yes, you read that right*

Digression can be at times, creative. In a warped kind of way.

While doing some research on which retar...researcher was spending US tax dollars on trying to determine why a penguin would look up at a passing aircraft, until the penguin fell over backwards, I came across a note about a recent online IgNobel Prize winner in technology: the Bow-Lingual, a dog-to-human translating devise released by Takara Co. Ltd, of Japan. Apparently the Bow-Lingual allows a dog to communicate up to six emotions with ruffly 200 words to their master, as the device records and interprets their barks, whines and growls, sending the tranlated expressions to the owner's digital display "emotion pager".

I reckoned that sales on this would eventually go through the woof; at the same time, some curious misfiring synapse in my thrice-concussed brain found itself pondering about the "unintended" consequences of such a device in the evolutionary scheme of things.

The answer wasn't long in coming: among various reviews of the product, I found some rather poignant ones that made it clear that cats were royally pissed. So were pet rodents. Fish were pissed, not that it'd show except with piranha. Birds, snakes, ferrets, pot-bellied pigs...all ditto. Manatees were indifferent, but that would change when some animal-rights-activist lawyer gets the word out. Countless hundreds of thousands of animal species will be pissed about this 'exclusion'.

And it won't stop just there: insects, plants, any viably living thing that learns of this development will be demanding their own 'voice'. Their own opportunity to tell humankind what kind of arrogant, ignorant, pompous, slave-driving, big-footed, species-racist boneheads we are.

I'm sure my pet rock would love that opportunity with me, too, but I digress.

In spite of rare spurts of better judgement I'm known to lack in abundance, I made a jesting comment on this scenario to the technicians at Bonco, UnInc.

Weasel crap.

Thus...coming soon from the labs* of Bonco, UnInc, the makers of the ABDOMINATION-IZER and PHFFFT ASURE ... The ALL-IN-ONE-UNIVERSAL TRANSLATOR!

Ever wonder what your pets were thinking? Ever wonder what they were trying to tell you? For that matter, have you ever wondered what your plants, trees, the insects thereon, et al, would say to you if they could? Did you ever wish to communicate with Nature in a way only the Beast Master, Tarzan or Mr. Spock did**? Well, wish no more with Bonco's ALL-IN-ONE-UNIVERSAL-TRANSLATOR! Now you can know not only what your pets think and feel, you can know what ALL LIVING THINGS WITHIN YOUR IMMEDIATE VICINITY think and feel***!

Through shared**** technology from Japan, and the extensive research projects and grants of thousands of current and former government and private entities for various and sundry communications forms across the living spectrum*****, Bonco has married the two -- language and technology -- into a 'one translates all' device!

Just set up the reasonably compact****** AIOUT in immediate proximity of whatever you wish to communicate with -- from your family pet to the lowest living life form on the planet*******, speak into the portable hand transmitter, and wha la: your words are translated into a form that your intended communicatee will receive and understand********.

And they (or it) will be able to likewise respond in a manner that you'll understand*********.

And all for the one-time, incredible price of only $995,000 (shipping not included). Operators are desperate for something to do until you call them at 1-999-TRNSLAT, since the No-Call List has interrupted their interrupting you!

Don't miss out on this incredulous offer! CALL NOW**********!

* or retrievers, setters, whatever

** without the need of sword play, vine-swinging or mind melds

*** See Disclaimer

**** Without their knowledge, but what's a patent violation against the greater good?

***** More or less...see Disclaimer

****** All vacuously defined in Disclaimer

******* Bonco felt that even lawyers needed a translation CD in this deal

******** Or so it is hoped...see Disclaimer

********* It is really incumbent you read the Disclaimer

********** DISCLAIMER: Bonco's ALL-IN-ONE-UNIVERSAL-TRANSLATOR comes completely assembled, though the loading into the memory of the 5 million language conversion CDs is up to the purchaser. Bonco is required to tell purchasers that a weather-proof, solid-foundationed, level surface is required to set up the one-piece AIOUT, which is roughly the size and weight of a Kenworth. An industrial size forklift is recommended for moving and positioning the AIOUT (not included). Bonco guarantees that once all 5 million language conversion CDs are properly installed, the AIOUT will allow the user to attempt to communicate with anything covered on the 5 million language conversion CDs, using the handy hand-held transmitter/receiver with a range of up to 1,000' from the AIOUT. Bonco, however, is NOT LIABLE for any potential misunderstandings or misinterpretations of language or cultural faux pas, as some of the language research on plants, insects and animals -- notably carnivores -- is at best, untested theory, but was vouched for by some tree-hugging ELF arsonist in an unsigned affidavit on file with the Sierra Club, which we're still waiting for a copy of. Thus and for example, if you get set upon by a flower bed of angry hibiscus, armed with thistles, after an attempt at communications -- because you said something untoward about their mothers or ancestral roots -- Bonco will refer what's left of you or your next of kin to the Sierra Club with the grievance. Bonco, UnInc., is a profit-oriented, thoroughly unscrupulous and inept Fortune -10,000 Company, but never needed an unscrupulous accounting firm or Barney Fwank to get that way. This is a nonsense advertisement that is 100% dolphin-free. When/if you get your AIOUT up and running, just ask one for confirmation. You'll probably get a dolphanic "WTF?" in response. FTC Disclaimer: no money changed hands/fins/paws/leaves/pinchers/antenna/flippers/et al during this parodious product endorsement, and no spotted owls, whales, dolphins or yetis were harmed during the posting of same, unless a minaturized version of one of the aforementioned was on the seat of my computer chair when my fat backside landed there.

Another Gift That Keeps On...Phfffting (2 of 3 or so)

*From the website and Bonco gift-giving archives...*

As the holiday season approaches, Americans think of Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years, and all the opportunities and activities these special occasions provide us (excluding seething ACLUers, atheists, and the jolly-dysfunctional among us).

One of the more festive activities of the season is holiday parties. In thousands of businesses and millions of families, holiday parties and gatherings are in full swing. Unfortunately, as you all know, lots of food is the foundation of these parties, and so many foods favored by party caterers and goers have one natural but undesirable side affect in common: GAS.

There, I said it: GAS.

Having said it, I'm here with a solution to it. Or actually, my friends at Bonco, UnInc., are here with a solution. You remember Bonco: the company that came out with the ground (and other things) breaking EZ-NAV ONE, or their Titanic Greatest Musical Hits Collection. Now -- against my better judgment that you're still waiting for me to exercise -- I'm here on behalf of Bonco to highlight yet another timely product in the Bonco tradition.

Thus....NEW FROM BONCO:

PHFFFT ASURE!

If you're like us*, you love to eat. Unfortunately as experience shows, not everything you truly love to eat, loves you afterward. Many of the foods we savor -- even those good for us -- result in painful, embarrassing, offensive GAS. Some of which can fry the olfactory sensors in a skunk, which is frowned upon in social circles.

BUT NOT ANY MORE!

PHFFFT ASURE! lets you eat all the raw veggies, deviled eggs, pizza, garlic, onion rings and corned beef & cabbage you can hold. With PHFFFT ASURE!, you can eat what you want, whenever and almost wherever you want, and be secure in the knowledge that your flatulence WILL NOT SMELL!!!**

PHFFFT ASURE! works with your digestive system to neutralize harmful methane and worse odors at the source. You can now relieve pressure with confidence, and know that you won't melt a row of people in the buffet line, or start a potentially catastrophic stampede toward the exits! And because PHFFFT ASURE! is 100% synthetically bioengineered***, there are practically no side-affects****!

To receive a 30 day supply for only $29.95, call 1-899-NONGASP now! Olfactory-dysfunctional operators***** are anchored to take your call!

DON'T WAIT -- CALL NOW******!!!

* let's hope not TOO much like us

** what it lacks in 'spritz', it makes up for in sheer volume...see Disclaimer

*** so we were informed by our alcoholic staff chemist during a rare moment of sobriety

**** You REALLY NEED TO see Disclaimer

***** Explained in the Disclaimer

****** DISCLAIMER: PHFFFT ASURE! is in no way, shape or smell affiliated with the makers of Breath Asure (FTC, keep reading). While the manufacturers of PHFFFT ASURE! guarantee that your methane expellants will be odor-free, testing suggests the possibility that audible episodes will increase in both frequency and force, as geometrically compared to the olfactory reduction. It is therefore strongly suggested that all fragile/delicate items be secured or removed from within a 500 sq foot radius for up to SIX HOURS after using PHFFFT ASURE! Activities like rollerblading, skateboarding, parasailing, parachuting, kayaking and touring priceless china and pottery exhibits should be curtailed as well. Use of PHFFFT ASURE! aboard commercial airliners and cruise ships is discouraged as well, unless you want to be the seminal cause of the next AIRPLANE or POSEIDEN ADVENTURE movie. Bonco, UnInc., is not responsible for any failure by the user(s) of PHFFFT ASURE! to exercise these few, simple precautions, while using this product. Bonco, UnInc., is also indemnified and held harmless for any resultant noise complaints, skirt ballooning, physical or psychological damage to pets, stress fractures in nearby solid objects, or anything that can remotely cause injury or damage to anyone or anything during sonic-boom-force flatulence. Use of PHFFFT ASURE! before an IRS audit or testimony before the US Congress is recommended to enliven an otherwise bureaucratically dull experience. FTC Disclaimer: that's, I say, that's a joke, gender neutrals. It's a parody...p-a-r-o-d-y. If money had changed hands, one detonation from PHFFFT ASURE! and it would have been blown to Uranus, or further, so money would have never made it to the second hand, y'see.