Another Gift That Keeps On...Phfffting (2 of 3 or so)

*From the website and Bonco gift-giving archives...*

As the holiday season approaches, Americans think of Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years, and all the opportunities and activities these special occasions provide us (excluding seething ACLUers, atheists, and the jolly-dysfunctional among us).

One of the more festive activities of the season is holiday parties. In thousands of businesses and millions of families, holiday parties and gatherings are in full swing. Unfortunately, as you all know, lots of food is the foundation of these parties, and so many foods favored by party caterers and goers have one natural but undesirable side affect in common: GAS.

There, I said it: GAS.

Having said it, I'm here with a solution to it. Or actually, my friends at Bonco, UnInc., are here with a solution. You remember Bonco: the company that came out with the ground (and other things) breaking EZ-NAV ONE, or their Titanic Greatest Musical Hits Collection. Now -- against my better judgment that you're still waiting for me to exercise -- I'm here on behalf of Bonco to highlight yet another timely product in the Bonco tradition.

Thus....NEW FROM BONCO:

PHFFFT ASURE!

If you're like us*, you love to eat. Unfortunately as experience shows, not everything you truly love to eat, loves you afterward. Many of the foods we savor -- even those good for us -- result in painful, embarrassing, offensive GAS. Some of which can fry the olfactory sensors in a skunk, which is frowned upon in social circles.

BUT NOT ANY MORE!

PHFFFT ASURE! lets you eat all the raw veggies, deviled eggs, pizza, garlic, onion rings and corned beef & cabbage you can hold. With PHFFFT ASURE!, you can eat what you want, whenever and almost wherever you want, and be secure in the knowledge that your flatulence WILL NOT SMELL!!!**

PHFFFT ASURE! works with your digestive system to neutralize harmful methane and worse odors at the source. You can now relieve pressure with confidence, and know that you won't melt a row of people in the buffet line, or start a potentially catastrophic stampede toward the exits! And because PHFFFT ASURE! is 100% synthetically bioengineered***, there are practically no side-affects****!

To receive a 30 day supply for only $29.95, call 1-899-NONGASP now! Olfactory-dysfunctional operators***** are anchored to take your call!

DON'T WAIT -- CALL NOW******!!!

* let's hope not TOO much like us

** what it lacks in 'spritz', it makes up for in sheer volume...see Disclaimer

*** so we were informed by our alcoholic staff chemist during a rare moment of sobriety

**** You REALLY NEED TO see Disclaimer

***** Explained in the Disclaimer

****** DISCLAIMER: PHFFFT ASURE! is in no way, shape or smell affiliated with the makers of Breath Asure (FTC, keep reading). While the manufacturers of PHFFFT ASURE! guarantee that your methane expellants will be odor-free, testing suggests the possibility that audible episodes will increase in both frequency and force, as geometrically compared to the olfactory reduction. It is therefore strongly suggested that all fragile/delicate items be secured or removed from within a 500 sq foot radius for up to SIX HOURS after using PHFFFT ASURE! Activities like rollerblading, skateboarding, parasailing, parachuting, kayaking and touring priceless china and pottery exhibits should be curtailed as well. Use of PHFFFT ASURE! aboard commercial airliners and cruise ships is discouraged as well, unless you want to be the seminal cause of the next AIRPLANE or POSEIDEN ADVENTURE movie. Bonco, UnInc., is not responsible for any failure by the user(s) of PHFFFT ASURE! to exercise these few, simple precautions, while using this product. Bonco, UnInc., is also indemnified and held harmless for any resultant noise complaints, skirt ballooning, physical or psychological damage to pets, stress fractures in nearby solid objects, or anything that can remotely cause injury or damage to anyone or anything during sonic-boom-force flatulence. Use of PHFFFT ASURE! before an IRS audit or testimony before the US Congress is recommended to enliven an otherwise bureaucratically dull experience. FTC Disclaimer: that's, I say, that's a joke, gender neutrals. It's a parody...p-a-r-o-d-y. If money had changed hands, one detonation from PHFFFT ASURE! and it would have been blown to Uranus, or further, so money would have never made it to the second hand, y'see.