*From the Bonco Holiday Gift Collection*
Though the winter winds of December are upon us, it won't be long before spring is again in the air, in most places except North Dakota*. But with spring, something else returns to the air, too: BUGS. All kindsa bugs. Whether they fly, leap, skitter or crawl, they're all coming at you like blood-sucking lawyers that are trying to break up common sense litigation reform.
But this Christmas season**, Bonco, UnInc -- makers of Phffft! Asure and The Cyclonic Harvester, amongst other things -- has the perfect Xmas gift that will allow you to take back your yard, patio and other exterior environs, during the height of the "what bugs you" season***. And that, my friends is:
The FULLY AUTOMATED PEST-CONTROLLING BUGABOOM! by BONCO!
It's springtime, and you've got a backyard out there just aching for you to be mowing, manicuring and preparing it for outside activities of summer, to be shared with family and friends. But unfortunately, also to be shared with unwanted party crashers of the most annoying kind: BUGS.
Oh sure, you can put up bug zappers, or spray to kill and repel the little beasties, with all those unpleasant side affects. OR ... thanks to Bonco, you can reclaim your yard and take the fight to the BUGS, thanks to the FULLY AUTOMATED PEST-CONTROLLING BugaBOOM! by Bonco, the latest in a series of technology-stretching ventures****, to make your leisure time even more leisurely, utilizing proven technology of the US Military*****. Yes, Bonco has taken the secrets of the CIWS******, and reduced it to pest-control form, safe to use from the comfort of your own home, patio or porch*******.
Just set up the BugaBOOM! on an exposed corner of your back patio, program the sensitivity setting for your specific environs, and your bug problems are over********. Be it mosquitoes, biting flies, bees, wasps, hornets, palmetto bugs or others, the BugaBOOM! will stop them cold up to 500 feet away! And with it's automatic tracking radar, the BugaBOOM! reacts instantly to any new threat detected*********!
The Bonco FAPC BugaBOOM! comes completely assembled, with a user-friendly instruction manual and an added extended ammo drum (for those insect-heavy environments), and a six month supply of ammunition (100% biodegradeable stainless steel pellets the size of granulated salt)**********!
All of this is yours IF YOU ORDER NOW for the very reasonable cost of ONLY $9,995.95 (monthly payment options available)! And if you order RIGHT NOW, we'll throw in, absolutely FREE, kevlar structure protective sheets*********** for your home, outbuildings and dog house (a regular $7,995.95 value)!
Operators are hunkered down and braced at 1-999-BugBOOM! Don't let another summer drive you buggy! Call TODAY************!
* Well, okay, so North Dakota isn't that bad..or maybe it is. Never been there.
** and the past several, since 1997
*** see Disclaimer for cautionary use against political TV and radio ads
**** a few, er.."bugs" are still being worked out...see Disclaimer
***** Uh, they don't really know we are using this technology, so PLEASE don't tell?
****** a Vulcan Close-In-Weapons-System mini-gun, capable of firing 6,000 rounds per minute
******* provided you fully read and understand the Disclaimer
******** there might be a few new ones in your immediate future, though; see Disclaimer
********* there might be other larger items also detected and attacked...you REALLY NEED to read the Disclaimer
********** hey, that's what our glue-sniffing environmental engineer says, when he's sober
*********** make sure you use these things; see Disclaimer
************ DISCLAIMER: the makers of Bonco's FAPC BugaBOOM! are forced to advise purchasers that this product, while guaranteed to be 100% effective against flying pests, has also proven in tests to be 100% effective against flying non-pests, including but not limited to: butterflies, sports balls, frisbees, horseshoes, birds of any species, bats, RC planes, kites, bubbles, or anything else that ascends above an altitude of 2' within the tracking range of the BugaBOOM!s radar system. This also includes any wind-generated motion of tree branches, wind chimes, hanging plants, power lines, etc., within the 750' range of the BugaBOOM! Bonco is also reluctantly forced to tell purchasers of the FAPC BugaBOOM! that any outbuildings inadvertently serving as a backdrop for a 'target' -- legitimate or not -- can be reduced to sawdust in a matter of seconds, if not protected with the special kevlar protective sheeting. Users of the FAPC BugaBOOM! might want to suggest to their in-range neighbors to buy and install the kevlar protective sheeting, too. Or not, if you don't like your neighbors.
Bonco, UnInc., is not liable for any unauthorized uses of the BugaBOOM! not originally intended or thought of, or for any other uses that were intended and thought of but not mentioned herein, or for any thought of, intended and executed as suggested herein, in the event of failure of the purchaser to read and understand this disclaimer, or the 1,300 page user's manual that reads like an unread-by-legislators hellthcare bill. Bonco, UnInc., is especially not liable if you are (a) a coyote and think this is the answer to bagging the Roadrunner (b) planning to use the BugaBOOM against political ads the next election cycle and/or (c) if you are an environmentalist liberal who thinks that mosquitoes have rights to other peoples' blood. FTC Disclaimer: believe me, if this thing was not a parody, Bonco would have bug rights activists up their butts, without you clowns showing up to demand disclosure. Make yourselves useful for once in your pathetic careers, and go examine AlGore's global warming scam.