Thursday, December 17, 2009

I'm A Baaaaad Santa

*From the blog archives of November 2006*

If you find this illustration (right) from somewhere online indecent, offensive, and totally uncalled for, I can guaran-dang-tee the rest of this post is from the same movement.

Especially if you're an online scammer.

Of course, I could blame MissCellania for this; on a recent post (I believe it was her November 19 Links column) she solicited for, among other things, letters to/from Santa of the humorous nature.


In late November of 2005, I had received a Nigerian email scam letter that was tailor-made for a "bad Santa" reply; and I gave it one befitting of the sender (at least in my opinion), putting it in my "to use" pile for an upcoming blog. But then I got involved in the tiff over my idea of a politically incorrect Xmas column with some blogging malcontent 'Tom' and his "hurls at nativity scenes" friend Michelle, and I forgot about it, leaving it to languish in my email archives.

Until MissCellania's solicitation reminded me to dig it out.

The email title and bad grammar in and of itself was nothing special (I need your urgent respond) from any of the others I was getting, but the first paragraph from Barrister Gabriel Tijani ( elevated this one well above the average nonsense:

Dear Friend,

I must ask you this. do you like children? do you desirous of giving to those who need? are you of the spirit of giving? are you a charitable, upright man with christian soul? if you answer this yes then you are the one I seek.

He went on into the usual gobbletygook about some family perishing in a car accident on one of those delightful highways of Nigerian design and carnage back in 2001, and how the breadripper-offer of the family had left a tidy sum of US dollars in a Lagos bank (about 18.5 million US). And how after years of trying to find next of kin "with no hope of succeed", time was fast approaching that the bank and the Nigerian government were going to confiscate the funds.

Unless you are willing to help me in this 100% risk free transaction to brighten lives (his words). He then went on with this paragraph: Upon release of the funds to you, My own share shall be donated to an orphanage in time for the holiday brightness of the season for the children of less opportunity than I and you will have. I want this brightening of the spirit this giving time. This is my wish that you help me with.

*Sniff*...awwwwwwww. A scammer that wants to help out orphans by giving me the business. I was truly touched by an anvil. I can still hear it ringing in my ears.

Now I confess...I didn't see the movie Bad Santa. Nor have I any plans to. After you read this reply I sent the bannister, you'll see why it isn't necessary for me to do so:

My good fauxson:

Ho ho ho, and that might be yo' mama I'm speaking of here. Your wish in the forwarded email has been electronically selected at Wish-n-Elves-Hear.Net* for special consideration. And that is how your message found it's way directly to me.

Who'm I, you ask? Were I to be present in the flesh -- and there'd be a lot of it, I assure you -- you'd know my belly-full-of-jelly frame, and my jovial ho-ho-ho in an instant. For I bear many names in many denominations: Kris Kringle, St. Nick, Santa Claus...and under some venues I've been called "that fat red bastard" and "Yo bitch, make wif my bling bling!".

Yes, I am He who defies conventional laws of Nature and science by travelling the globe in 31 hours on one night a year, bringing joy and gifts to all the good little boys and girls around the world, save for where heathen practices deny my existence or anti-air defenses try to knock Rudolph's bigass red nose into orbit around Uranus.

Screw them non-believing cheeseballs, but I digress.

Wish of me to help you help yourself under the auspices of benevolence to orphans, eh? Now, that's nice. That's mighty nice. You must have been among the school yard's finest in the milk money reallocation/extortion department in your rough-and-tumble youth. In fact, I find your name does appear of a few of my archived lists down the years.

As a reprehensible turd.

But far be it from me to turn a deaf and fat ear to such a transparent plea in the Time of Yule; then again, Yule died in 1985 so his time is passed and thus never mind about him. He was only a faux king who danced with Debbie Reynolds, anyway.

I tell you what, my good lad of dubious antecedence and purloiner of lunch money: I am not as game as my reindeer are if they wander off the 'Pole during hunting season, but I will be happy to entertain your efforts here, if you will just write back to Jolly ol' me and present me with ten good reasons I should allow you to give me this business, which would be ten good reasons I shouldn't show up and put my oversized fur-lined boot up your chicanerous bunghole.

Or maybe I'll just have Rudolph & Co. do a proctological exam on you with their head gear. Tain't pretty, lemme tell you; though it might be better if I let one of the surviving elves who underwent it describe it in intimate detail, if you'll pardon the pun.

Ho ho ho...and I'm back to yo' mama again.

Let me know your pleasure on the matter, Mr. Bannister, and I shall assure you a Merry Crispmoose (my reindeer always find that funny; they never liked Bullwinkle), and a particularly jagged-edged lump of coal to place sideways in your anal stocking one silent (but not for long once placement starts) night.

A Merry Christmas to all, save for you who can bite me!

Jolly Ol' St. Nick (and other 'nick' names...ho ho ho!)

* courtesy of the US Homeland Security Department's alleged evesdropping Act thing of 2002 or so...

The other reason I probably forgot about this particular exchange is the fact that this is as far as it went: the bannister didn't reply with any ten good reasons to try for my fat fur-lined boot up his ass. Guess he was a non-believer. Or became one, after reading this.

So there you have it, folks: I'm a baaaaaaaaaad Santa.

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Blogger Monica said...

I played catch-up on your last few posts...your humor is as intact as ever.

I'm sorry but I have to confess that I really loved your Broncos post. :)

27 November, 2006 06:26  
Blogger Karen said...

Bad Santa? Nahhh... it's the scammers that are bad Santas. I loved the "bite me" part LOL

27 November, 2006 14:25  
Anonymous cyndy said...

What is this scam of which you speak? I just won the Euro lotto :)

27 November, 2006 17:43  
Blogger lilfeathers2000 said...

Its click n comment Monday
have a blessed week

27 November, 2006 22:00  
Blogger Herb said...

If Santa's bad does he leave himself a lump of coal? too bad the guy never replied, this one had potential.

28 November, 2006 04:19  
Blogger deni said...

LOL, that was too good.

I actually knew a fella back home (we'll call him Moron) who actually fell for one of these Nigerian scams, and no matter how much we told Moron it was a scam, he insisted that it was real and he was gonna be rich. We just shook our heads and laughed at him behind his back.

That was over a year ago, I wonder if he figured it out yet?

28 November, 2006 04:50  
Anonymous solange said...

I'm not worried.
I have a spankin' new chimney cap ;-Þ

28 November, 2006 11:50  
Blogger Miss Cellania said...

Your correspondence reminds me of a Rube Goldberg contraption in some ways. And of advanced algebra in other ways. Anyways, those non-believing cheeseballs can bite me, too.

28 November, 2006 21:03  
Blogger Herb said...

It's still funny.

04 December, 2007 04:44  
Blogger Jack K. said...

Saw your comment to Hale's latest efforts. His are funny so I thought it would be a better day to stop over here.

It was worth the trip.

Barrister Tijani does better than some of his cohorts in using the English language, but he is a piker compared to you. Go get him. I wish my writing skills were as good as yours and Hale's. I usually forward such documents to the Anti-Phishing Work Group.

I hate to encourage those scum bags.

In the meantime, Merry Christmas. And a rousing HO, HO, HO!

04 December, 2007 05:47  
Blogger Two Dogs said...

You were about two minutes early to my blog, Skunkfeathers. I actually posted on incarceration right after I got your comment.

04 December, 2007 20:14  
Blogger Herb said...

I have read this all three years you have posted it and I still wish the guy would have responded.

18 December, 2009 03:50  
Blogger Debbie said...

I would suspect that scammers are out in full force with the economy what it is. I would love to see some statistics.

Bad Santa.

Right Truth

20 December, 2009 08:10  

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