Whole Lotto FBI Going On

Well...my scambaiting characters have heard from the DC-based FBI.  From the Nigeria-based FBI.  From the Benin-based FBI.  Perhaps even from the Uranus-based FBI.

Now we've heard from the UK-based FBI:


Camelot UK Lotteries Limited

The National Lottery

PO Box 251

Watford ,WD18 9BR

United Kingdom

Registered office: Tolpits Lane, Watford, Herts WD18 9RN

Registered in England and Wales No. 2822203

(Customer Services)

Ref: UK/9420X2/68

Batch: 074/09/ZY369 

 

VERIFICATION OF LOTTERY CLAIM 

All protocols observed. Please accept my apologies for my late response. My Name is Deabreu Gregory John. I work with the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI). I am a contract staff currently attached to the Verification department of the Camelot Group of the Online National Lottery. This is in view of checking false winning claims and Lottery Scams. Every claimant shall be verified by the FBI and winners must be duly paid. False claimants shall also be duly punished. I received an application letter sent by your Fiduciary agent, Miss. Ann Song for the Claim of your Lottery Winnings. The application is to be verified by the National Lottery. Note that all taxes have been paid by the National Lottery. Please read the extract of our terms and conditions below. 

·  In the event that the Company, in its absolute discretion, believes that the Claimant is not lawfully entitled to payment of a Prize or that a Prize has been paid to a Player (including, without limitation, by payment into a Players Account in circumstances where the Company decides, in accordance with Rule 5(D)(3) that the Claimed Play is invalid or defective, it shall be entitled to withhold payment of the Prize or recover or seek to recover a Prize already paid (including, without limitation, where such payment has been made into a Players Account) pending the outcome of all appropriate inquiries. Once the appropriate verifications and inquiries have satisfied the Company, in its absolute discretion, that the Claimant is lawfully entitled to payment of the relevant Prize, it shall credit the amount of such Prize to the Players Account.

· The Player is responsible, where applicable, for claiming a Prize and the protection of the Identification Information that enables the payment of a Prize.

· The Company shall not be responsible or liable to any person claiming a Prize which has been paid to a person who assumed the identity of the holder of the relevant Account and who obtained sufficient information about them to impersonate the rightful holder of that Account. 

 

 

According to the application submitted by Mr Stephen Alex Williams on your behalf, your claim states your winning details as follows

 

Ref: UK/9420X2/68

Batch: 074/06/ZY369

Draw Number: 1999

Draw Date: Saturday, 21st February, 2015

Ticket Number: 56475600545 188

Serial Number: 5627635368/10

Lucky Number: 13 14 16 24 41 43 (bonus no. 39) 

Amount Won:  Ј4,894,600 (Four Million eight hundred and ninety-four thousand, six hundred British Pounds Sterling).

 

Please note that this is an online bonus promotion. Your email address was extracted by our computer from one of our advertising websites. We have over 3,000 advertising websites. You did not purchase a ticket. The Ticket was purchased for you by the online department of the National Lottery using your email address. Your email address was attached to ticket number 56475600545 188 On Saturday, 21st February, 2015, six ball sets were used and after the bonus draws, your email address attached to the above ticket number matched the numbers Ј4,894,600 (Four Million eight hundred and ninety-four thousand, six hundred British Pounds Sterling)). According to the current conversion rate, this amount in the United States Dollars is $7,306,515 (Seven Million, three hundred and six thousand, five hundred and fifteen United States Dollars only). 

 

You were contacted via email as no other contact of yours was in our system as at the time of the draw. Please note that your lucky winning number falls within our European booklet representative office in England as indicated in your play coupon. 

You are required to: 

1. Acknowledge the receipt of this email and confirmation of your claim stated above.

2. Reconfirm your full names and address as this would be used for your payment. 

 

Please allow 24-48 working hours to verify your claim. 

Be  further advised to maintain the strictest level of confidentiality until the end of proceedings to circumvent problems associated with fraudulent claims. This is part ofour precautionary measure to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program. 

 

Deabreu Gregory John

THE NATIONAL LOTTERY,

CAMELOT GROUP,

VERIFICATION AND PROCESSING DEPARTMENT,

UNITED KINGDOM.  

 

 

I guess that with the proliferation of scam online lottos in the UK, the FBI feels it necessary to, uh, lend a hand or other idle appendage.

 

Well, this particular branch of the *FBI* discovered how edits work:

 

 

Cameltwot UK Exams Limited

The National Potty

PO Box 251

Watford ,WD18 9BR

United Kingdom

Registered office: Tolpits Lane, Watford, Herts WD18 9RN

Registered in England and Wales No. 2822203

(Customer Services)

Ref: UK/9420X2/68

Batch: 074/09/ZY369

 

 

VERIFICATION OF POTTY CLAIM 

All protocols observed and we now know that you're a bed wetter.  Allow me to tell you how we know that:  my Name is Deabreu Gregory John. I work with the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI), Special Bed Wetting Crimes Unit (SBWCU).  I am a contract staph and strep currently attached to the Genital Verification department of the Cameltwot Group of the Online National Potty. This is in view of checking false bed wetting claims and potty Scams. Every claimant shall be verified by the FBI using our specially made drones the hone in on bed wetters. False claimants shall also be duly punished, and we have the complete lie-brary of every speech Debbil Washingmachine Snitz ever gave, that you'll be forced to sit through, non-stop.  Perhaps you'll excuse the pun, but it doesn't pay to piss off the FBI's Special Bed Wetting Crimes Unit (SBWCU).  I received a report from one of our rogue drones that you are a bed wetter.  It has been verified in the National Potty database. Please read the extract of our terms and conditions below. 

 

·  In the event that the Company, in its absolute discretion, believes that the Claimant is not lawfully entitled to comwetsation for bed wetting, in accordance with Rule 5(D)(3) that the Claimed wetting is invalid or defective, it shall be entitled to withhold replacement bedding or recover or seek to recover a claim of wettage already filed pending the outcome of all appropriate inquiries. Once the appropriate verifications and inquiries have satisfied the Company, in its absolute discretion, that the Claimant is lawfully entitled to what the Company considers fair and just comwetsation for wetting your bed, it shall credit the Claimant accordingly in the national bed wetting database.

· The Wetter is responsible, where applicable, for replacing their own mattress and the protection of the Identification Information that enables the wetter to be kept confidential.

· The Company shall not be responsible or liable to any person claiming to be a bed wetter when all they do is defecate there.  That falls to the FBI's Special Bed Crapper Crimes Unit (SBCCU). 

We expect shows on both units in primetime in the fall of 2015. 

 

According to the application submitted by Mr Stephen Alex Williams on your behalf -- he controlled the drone that detected your wattage -- your claim states your wetting details as follows

 

Ref: UK/9420X2/68

Batch: Urine sample #074/06/ZY369

Batch Number: 1999

Wetting Date: Saturday, 21st February, 2015

Analysis:  Yup..you pissed yourself

Serial Number of Analysis Sample: 5627635368/10

Amount Wetted:  a quart and a half

 

Please note that this is an online bogus promotion. Your email address was extracted by our urine-drenched computer from one of our drone analyzing wetsites. We have over 3,000 drone analyzing wetsites. You did not purchase adult Pampers prior to the episode.  Why didn't you just "go" before going to bed, you nipplehead? 

 

You were contacted via email as no other contact of yours was in our system as at the time of the draw, and none of us wants particularly to knock on your piss-soaked door. Please note that your wetting falls within our European booklet representative office in England as indicated in the dampness collected by our drone. 

 

You are required to:  

1. Acknowledge the receipt of this email and confirmation of your claim stated above.

2. Reconfirm your full names and address as this would be used for arranging for you to be dried off before the next beddie bye tsunami. 

 

Please allow 24-48 working hours for us to sandbag around your bed.  

Be  further advised to maintain the strictest level of confidentiality until the end of proceedings to circumvent problems associated with fraudulent bed wetting claims. This is part of our precautionary measure to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this bed wetters program.  

 

Deabreu Gregory John

THE NATIONAL POTTY,

CAMELTWOT GROUP,

VERIFICATION AND PROCESSING DEPARTMENT,

UNITED KINGDOM.

"Crikey, use the bloody dunny next time!"

debreaujgregory@thefbi.co.uk

"If we can handle Buckingham Palace bedwetters, you KNOW we can do a whacking great job on YOU!"  

The silence that ensued in the wake of this edited and returned response suggests that they're having to consult the 'home office' to find out where the bed wetting drones are located...

Subscribe This

Online contest scams. In some respects, not a great deal different from offline contest scams.

I never did hear how this one played out, but pictured at the right is one contest 'winner' who found there to be a big difference between a Camry/Corolla she thought she'd won, and a little stuffed green muppet that she was presented with.

"Always with you is it the glass half-empty, hmmm?"

Lately, I haven't been featuring much in the way of my duels with scammers here. I've been saving most of them for a book idea that may or may not eventually become one, but I digress.

But today, since a well-recognized icon from TV and junk mail past has re-emerged in my email, I reckon I can spare the book this one.

Most, if not all of you, remember the world renowned 'clearing house' that allegedly still sells dozens upon dozens of magazine subscriptions, and hosted a contest that advertised all kinds of winners freaking out when their 'Prize Patrol' showed up.

Meantime, millions of others wound up with paper cuts and ill-tasting tongues, from sorting through the laborious mailing, trying to find all the stickers and emblems one had to find to lick and stick to the friggin' entry form, to enter the contest that never went away.

One that I never won squat in, regardless of what I did or didn't subscribe to.

Well, this particular outfit long ago found its way online, with the same kind of drivel. And now, the scammers have signed on to it, since the late Johnny Carson's late sidekick isn't around any more to pitch for it.

Granted, the scammers aren't as eloquent as Ed; I doubt any of them could spell, let alone explain "hiyoooooooooo". But this latest incarnation of the world renowned contestuary gives you as much chance of winning, as you have of winning a 100 yard dash with a mama grizzly, with no head start allowed.

Anyway, I received another one from the alleged 'clearing house'. A rather badly-written one at that, for anyone outside of the DC public school system. So I had some fun widdit. I don't suppose the "real" clearing house will find the humor in what I did; perhaps the scammer(s) will like my rewrite so much, they'll use and re-use it, until someone a tad brighter than the level of education in the DC public school system manages to explain it to them.

But here it is for your reading enjoyment -- with all of the original typos -- with my rewrite worked in around them:

Good day, we are the Publisher Foreclosing (on the) Clearing House (PFotCH), purveyor of sh**loads of unwanted magazine subscriptions, second hand junk, and a totally bogus cash drawing! You know us from our years of annoying TV ads and junk mailings, of course.

Well, with increasing costs associated with TV ads and labor, we couldn't afford to keep running a dubious contest on TV, simply by supporting ourselves and that pricey Prize Patrol on what we managed to milk out of you dumb bastards from magazine subscriptions, you bunch of cheap zipperheads. So here we are online, saving a f**kload of money and pedaling the same brand of crap as ever!

Of course, we operate the same way here, except (a) you don't have to spend hours sorting through one of those f**king mailings, just to find all the sh** you need to lick and stick on an entry form that won't win you anything, and (b) we tell you that you've won something substantive, but will never have to produce it! AND..after we get some money out of you for processing your faux 'winnings', we'll share your email with every f**king scammer this side of Uranus!

Ain't online just awesome?

But forget that last paragraph -- which for us passes as one of those pesky, required-by-law disclaimers -- and just imagine that you've won ONE MILLION US DOLLARS in our PFotCH lotery! Now read this next part carefully, because no educated person wrote it.."winer you are to contrat our fiucary, please not, if you are not the ritefull owner of this email respond to this mail anyway".

With writing like that, we still expect to receive a boatload of entries from DC, Califorlornia, and any place else that dumbed down education is in vogue.

Oh, here is your totally bogus winning numbers: 47-14-34-85-67-32

And here is your totally bogus Email Ticket #: FL 754/22/76

Now, here's who you are to contact to help us f**k you over:

AGENT: James "Constipated" Bowels

EMAIL: pchclaimsdept1@gmail.com

You are require to send the informatons bellow to process you clam:

Full Name:

Address:

Last Time You Had Sex With An Invertebrate Fruit Preserve:

Nationality:

Age:

Occupation:

Phone Number:

Most Insincerely,

Mrs. Mary Cruz

Online Co-ordinator and part time ostrich inseminator

Having shared the re-write with the originating scammer and a couple dozen of his peers, I will be interested to see if any of them try to enter the CONtest. Perhaps the last laugh will be on me, if I see an overpriced TV ad with the Prize Patrol, delivering balloons and an oversized check to someone at the door of a fly-infested internet cafe overseas.

Uh huh.

Contest To End ALL Contests

A fitting day for this particular post -- May Day.

At least some of you will see what I just did there.

In one rather unspectacular night in April -- during one of my bouts with insomnia -- I received three rapid-fire notifications via email, that I had 'won' three online lottos. My collective 'win' was just short of 7 Million Pounds (UK), between the three. I had 'won' lottos from the UK National, Shell Oil and Microsoft, EU.

*Yawn*

Insomnia's a funny thing, 'cept when you have it. But it wasn't you that had it. It was me.

And that, sometimes, can be funny. Or not. Depends on how your sense of humor trends, in warped relation to my own.

As has been my habit, despite nun protests, I re-wrote all three contests, and sent them back to their originators, along with to a very select group of email scammers (ie., their email addresses are, for now, still working).

Not that I got anything in return that readers would find amusing on this go around; but you might find some strange kind of amusement in what I did with one of the re-writes, which will fit in the the accompanying photo/calendar for next year's widely-anticipated *apocalypse* on The History Channel.

'Prolly just like Y2K.

At any rate, a scammer flying under the guise of Barrister David Green (claim_dptupdate@live.com), and his internet scam ho' Rose Wood -- they threw in a 'Mrs' in parentheses, just to legitimize her -- sent me email notification that I had won the UK NATIONAL LOTTERY.

I returned it to him/her/it, along with over a dozen of their respective peers this way, along with amended dates, times, and outcomes: *Blogger's Note: if you are offended by making fun of 'The End', you might only wince at what's to come; trust me, you're really smirking, and about to lapse into LYAO....really*

SUBJ: MAYAN CALENDAR APOCALYPSE LOTTERY

TO: THE PITIFULLY FEW SURVIVORS

DATE: FRIDAY, DECEMBER 21, 2012

Dear Email User,

You're F***ED! Guess what time it is? THAT'S RIGHT: IT'S THE END OF THE MAYAN CALENDAR, AND YOU'RE TEE-TOTALLY F***ED!

Whacking great time for a contest, we thought.

Our Mayan Calendar APOCALYPSE LOTTERY has selected YOUR EMAIL to have WON the sum of...oh hell, what the f*** does it matter? After all, you can't take it with you, right? So just print this notification and take THAT with you, so you can show everyone you know in the afterlife that you went out a WINNER!

To the official sh**: Your email has won the sum of 5,014,478 GBP in cash credited to a file in the just concluded by the Mayan Calendar APOCALYPSE LOTTERY. Programme held on Draw Date Thursday, December 20, 2012. Sorry we didn't notify you a tad quicker. Eh....f***ing sue us. Our attorneys will see yours in Heckydarnpoo and probably do lunch on your dime.

Winning numbers: 10, 26, 28, 34, 35, 39 and bonus 17

Ticket number: 8603775966738

Secret number: ....you realize, of course, that providing you all this info is just a f***ing waste of time, right? ...089188/10

Please submit the following informations, not that it will make much difference, because it's the END OF THE CALENDAR AND YOU'RE F***ING DEAD! But, what the f***: just in case you happened to avoid dying from the big ass asteroid that obliterated your, Mr. Rogers, and everyone elses' neighborhoods, then you can fight it out with the zombies that have to survive to make this a worthwhile project for what's left of Hollyweird to make a movie out of.

Just don't look for it on the 2013 Oscars; zombies eat anything remotely Oscar. Nyuk.

Please email your informations (full name, address, physical description, marks, scars, tattoos, other identifying features) to Fiduciary agent Barrister David Green at email claim_dptupdate@live.com

Note: All Responses should be sent to Agent via email, since everyone will be running around and screaming, as they see the giant space rock about to wipe their sorry asses out of existence; Barrister Green will have his 4G phone with him, to record your winning information while he's running and screaming. That's right, Barrister: you work to the bloody f***ing end.

Congratulations from the MAYAN CALENDAR APOCALYPSE LOTTERY!

Do you think that Barrister Green, or any of his over a dozen peers, appreciated the irony here? It would have been nice, had they dropped me a line to let me know.

Eh..perhaps they're too busy running and screaming already.