A Time For All Things

Christian Bale and friend visit victims of the shootings. 

I haven't said anything about this on the blog.  Until now.

I don't need to recap what happened at the Aurora Mall movie theatre in the early hours of July 20, 2012.  Only someone living beyond the reach of the cyberworld, doesn't know.

And while I have responded to some stupid comments in Facebook about it -- perhaps with my own version of counterstupidity -- I won't indulge those sorts of thoughts here.

Though, it was a comment in Facebook that brought me to write this.

A local radio host -- who has covered many a horrendous news stories in his still-young career -- posted about the opening of NFL training camp at the Broncos training facility.  My response:  "ah, the onset of my favorite season of the year!".

The next commenter thanked us for living the "heaviness of this summer" with a post about something light and refreshing.

Perhaps a few upcoming comments won't be so kind.  But you know...it is right that we talk of other things, too.

While I didn't know anyone who was personally affected by what happened at the movie theatre, I think I can say of some of the heroes therein that died to save others...they wouldn't want their girlfriends to live the rest of their lives in grief and regret.  They didn't save their lives for that.  They'd want them to grieve, reflect, remember...and then move on. 

Because Life goes on.

I thought some about the four young men who died, protecting someone(s) they loved.  The ultimate act of love and of courage, is sacrifice.  Not everyone who has that courage within them, is ever faced with having to use it.

We owe a lot to those who do, though.

But more:  we owe a lot to those who, though never having to do what these four young men did on July 20, are in positions that, on any given day, could put them into that very spot.  Police.  Firefighters.  Paramedics.  Any nature of first responder.

And of course, our very own young men and women of our nation's military.  The best of the best.

Though, lest I forget, there are everyday heroes.  Unremarkable people to those who don't know them, but on any given day and time, step up when danger and disaster rears its ugly head, and remind us that the human race -- for all it's peculiarities and eccentricities -- is made of some damned fine, courageous, unselfish stuff.

I've never been through a situation like July 20.  I suppose that the closest I've come -- and it doesn't count, because only those inside can know the true horrors of what the rest of us were horrified to watch -- is Columbine.  I was 5 miles away, and as far removed from the events therein, as if I'd been on the Moon at the time.

I've had a pretty unremarkable life.  Most of us have. 

Most of us will never face a crazed sniper in a tower on a college campus.  An Oklahoma City.  A Columbine or Virginia Tech.  A 9/11.  A Flight 93.  Or a Minneapolis or Aurora mall massacre.

We should count our blessings.

But there will always be those who serve to respond, whenever and wherever it happens.  They know the potential risks, each time they respond.  They do it, anyway.

And there will always be those 'innocent bystanders' at a Ground Zero who will step up, even knowing that a lesser act might allow them more time on this insignificant cosmic ball we call Earth.  They'll not have time to rationalize it; they'll just do, in a moment, something that ends their lives, in an effort that they hope will save others.

And I believe that they don't do it so that their loved ones can live the rest of their own lives mired in grief, guilt and regret.

Our heroes act, so that the rest of us can carry on.

And we honor those heroes, by doing just that.

Mayan Calendar Conundrums

We've all been hearing about it. And now it's here: 2012. The 'End' of the Mayan Calendar. And what some are choosing to prophesize as "End Times".

Y2K was supposed to herald in 'end times'. So were two days in 2011, courtesy of the koolaid drinker, Rev. Harold Camping, mathematician emeritless.

The original Mayan Calendar -- I believe represented to the right h'yar -- was the creation of that celebrated Mayan astronomer and calendarer Balaj Chan K'hallmark. He would later design the first Chinese astrology placemats for restaurants, centuries before anyone knew he had. But I digress.

K'hallmark took a plethora of things into consideration (seasons, astronomy, human life span, events, weather, painful rectal itch, and some really good hallucinagens), and then designed this calendar that no one could read, but thought looked 'purdy', back in 3114 BC (Before Calendars). According to researchers, the calendar is meant to run 5126 years, more or less.

Which brings us to it ending in 2012. Some learned pundits insist that it ends on 12-21-12. Others believe they've found a Harold-Camping-mathematical-error in the calculations, and actually believe it will expire on or about 2-12-13.

If true in the case of the latter, this will save a lot of guys who were about to screw up with their Valentine's Day gift choices.

Meantime, we are confronted with the apparent fact that we have a Mayan calendar that apparently expires 10 days before 2012 does.

I happened to mention this to one of my ever-inquisitive researchers over at Bonco, UnInc., the place that creates abominations like the AB-Dominationizer and Phfffft Asure, and the subsequent *TOING* made me immediately regret it.

Bonco, UnInc., is in the process of designing and releasing a new calendar that will 'fix' the loss of ten days* from 2012, by simply adding them to 2011.

They call it Simplicity gone Chronological by Bonco. I call it Bonco gone la-la.

While they last**, Bonco will have in stock amended 2011 Calendars. When the stroke of midnight is struck on December 31, 2011...it will simply become December 32, 2011. The big ball in NYC's Time Square will now not fall until the stroke of midnight that closes out December 41, 2011.

And yes, Bonco realized that this is going to f*** with a wealth of computer-run software and systems that are currently geared to the standard Gregorian calendars. So they have designed*** a 'patch' for said systems, which they say should be ready in time****.

So worry not: thanks to Bonco*****, 2011 is extended for the 10 days that 2012 was screwed out of by a Mayan with a penchant for making calendars while high.

Of course, there are those who buy into none of the Mayan Calendar prophesies, and are sure that life will go on, whether it be 12-22-12, or 2-13-13.

What does my pet rock, Seymour, say? "Phfffft. Just cover your bases, and celebrate Christmas early".

* using a chronological formula that didn't work for making cheese fries or curing ham that was already dead. But Bonco will keep trying until they find some use that works

** The printers are still LTAO at the idea, so they ain't been printed yet

*** The Bonco software engineer did suggest that due to inadequate testing of the 'patch', certain cyber 'anomalies' may result from applying the 'patch' to your cyber device, to include horrific cyber gas, or turning your Ipad into a carnivorous tampon which has eyes for small pets

**** The same guys that got lost with the Bonco Time Accelerator-Decelerator during the testing phase, are allegedly working on this project. So it may already have been done 5,000 years ago....or in 2912 AD. No one knows for sure. Does anybody know what time it is? Does anyone really care?

***** DISCLAIMER: Bonco, UnInc., asserts plausible deniability for any time warping, fruitcaking, ipod morphing, or attacks by carnivorous tampons, that may or may not be able to be associated to the 2012 Mayan Calendar 'patch' designed by Bonco engineers during their last seanance with Balaj Chan K'hallmark, at a frat party on the CU Boulder campus. Your results may vary from even weirder, to it just flat not working. In the case of the former, write and tell us about it if you live. In the case of the latter, simply return the unused portion to Bonco, UnInc, for a full "WTF shrug" from the US Postal Service, who has no idea what our address is. Bonco, UnInc, is a for profit corporation that's still trying to make one, and that's why Occupy Outhouses hasn't shown up to picket us yet..besides, they can't find us either.

Contest To End ALL Contests

A fitting day for this particular post -- May Day.

At least some of you will see what I just did there.

In one rather unspectacular night in April -- during one of my bouts with insomnia -- I received three rapid-fire notifications via email, that I had 'won' three online lottos. My collective 'win' was just short of 7 Million Pounds (UK), between the three. I had 'won' lottos from the UK National, Shell Oil and Microsoft, EU.

*Yawn*

Insomnia's a funny thing, 'cept when you have it. But it wasn't you that had it. It was me.

And that, sometimes, can be funny. Or not. Depends on how your sense of humor trends, in warped relation to my own.

As has been my habit, despite nun protests, I re-wrote all three contests, and sent them back to their originators, along with to a very select group of email scammers (ie., their email addresses are, for now, still working).

Not that I got anything in return that readers would find amusing on this go around; but you might find some strange kind of amusement in what I did with one of the re-writes, which will fit in the the accompanying photo/calendar for next year's widely-anticipated *apocalypse* on The History Channel.

'Prolly just like Y2K.

At any rate, a scammer flying under the guise of Barrister David Green (claim_dptupdate@live.com), and his internet scam ho' Rose Wood -- they threw in a 'Mrs' in parentheses, just to legitimize her -- sent me email notification that I had won the UK NATIONAL LOTTERY.

I returned it to him/her/it, along with over a dozen of their respective peers this way, along with amended dates, times, and outcomes: *Blogger's Note: if you are offended by making fun of 'The End', you might only wince at what's to come; trust me, you're really smirking, and about to lapse into LYAO....really*

SUBJ: MAYAN CALENDAR APOCALYPSE LOTTERY

TO: THE PITIFULLY FEW SURVIVORS

DATE: FRIDAY, DECEMBER 21, 2012

Dear Email User,

You're F***ED! Guess what time it is? THAT'S RIGHT: IT'S THE END OF THE MAYAN CALENDAR, AND YOU'RE TEE-TOTALLY F***ED!

Whacking great time for a contest, we thought.

Our Mayan Calendar APOCALYPSE LOTTERY has selected YOUR EMAIL to have WON the sum of...oh hell, what the f*** does it matter? After all, you can't take it with you, right? So just print this notification and take THAT with you, so you can show everyone you know in the afterlife that you went out a WINNER!

To the official sh**: Your email has won the sum of 5,014,478 GBP in cash credited to a file in the just concluded by the Mayan Calendar APOCALYPSE LOTTERY. Programme held on Draw Date Thursday, December 20, 2012. Sorry we didn't notify you a tad quicker. Eh....f***ing sue us. Our attorneys will see yours in Heckydarnpoo and probably do lunch on your dime.

Winning numbers: 10, 26, 28, 34, 35, 39 and bonus 17

Ticket number: 8603775966738

Secret number: ....you realize, of course, that providing you all this info is just a f***ing waste of time, right? ...089188/10

Please submit the following informations, not that it will make much difference, because it's the END OF THE CALENDAR AND YOU'RE F***ING DEAD! But, what the f***: just in case you happened to avoid dying from the big ass asteroid that obliterated your, Mr. Rogers, and everyone elses' neighborhoods, then you can fight it out with the zombies that have to survive to make this a worthwhile project for what's left of Hollyweird to make a movie out of.

Just don't look for it on the 2013 Oscars; zombies eat anything remotely Oscar. Nyuk.

Please email your informations (full name, address, physical description, marks, scars, tattoos, other identifying features) to Fiduciary agent Barrister David Green at email claim_dptupdate@live.com

Note: All Responses should be sent to Agent via email, since everyone will be running around and screaming, as they see the giant space rock about to wipe their sorry asses out of existence; Barrister Green will have his 4G phone with him, to record your winning information while he's running and screaming. That's right, Barrister: you work to the bloody f***ing end.

Congratulations from the MAYAN CALENDAR APOCALYPSE LOTTERY!

Do you think that Barrister Green, or any of his over a dozen peers, appreciated the irony here? It would have been nice, had they dropped me a line to let me know.

Eh..perhaps they're too busy running and screaming already.