Secret Powers...For Sale

I know something that you don't.

How do I know it? Because I got the email that offers to tell me so.

Neener boo.

Late the other evening, right out of cyber thin air, it came to me like an email out of the blue. An email entitled Secret Powers. Therein, it asked me all the questions I've never asked myself. And at the bottom, it promised me a 7 day guarantee to find all those answers, simply by responding to the email address at the bottom.

Well, you just knowd I was gonna have ta.

With one wee little proviso: I answered the questions the email posed, and THEN sent it back to the emailer. And 25 or so of his/hers peers and colleagues.

I'll spare you a recap of the whole email AND response; instead, I'll share with you what went back to the emailer. In bold, I'll give you the original contents as I received them; in italics, I'll give you how I helped the emailer out, by answering the posed questions.

You may be your own subjective judge of how it worked out:

Has anything ever bothered you in life? If so, get the f**k over it, Zipper Lips. Do you have any problems you need to solve? Get off your fat ass and solve it, then. A pending court case you have that you want to solve in your favor? Hire a good f**king lawyer and don't be doing the sh** that will wind you up in court in the first place. I mean, WTF!

Health, relationship, finance. They're all overrated. But I digress.

Welcome to the world of false miracles and faux wonders! For a fee that you pay to me, there are supernatural treasures and power to liberate mankind from all afflictions. Why? Because I found where they store all those props from the last Indiana Jones "Crystal Skull" movie.

And for a price, it can all be YOURS!

Let me answer some of your questions of life. Why can't you live the life of your dreams? Because Sandra Bullock thinks you're a dweeb, that's why.

Why must you work so hard and yet earn so little? Because you're the dumbass who got the liberal arts degree that wasn't worth a job at McDonalds!

Why can't you be happy with the one you love and desire or why can't the one you love reciprocate and appreciate that love? Because your fetish of buttf**king goats repels her, you moron.

Why would the doctor tell you there is no solution or cure to your problems? Because any medical doctor knows that you surgically can't fix stupid.

Why would your lawyer say you stand no chance, that your case is hopeless? Because he/she bothered to read the f**king law, the same one that you chose to break, nipplehead.

Have you been cheated by anyone or those owing you money refuse to pay back? Quit lending money to deadbeats and that won't happen, you idiot.

Do you need a rapid job promotion in your place of work? Assassination might have worked on the Enterprise in a parallel universe, but I wouldn't recommend it here. Besides, your boss KNOWS you spend time in the restroom whacking off, instead of doing your f**king job, you pervert.

You want to venture into politics? Who wouldn't: young interns letting you play hide the cigar in the vaginal humidor, and lots of lobbyists with lots of money who'll give it to you so you'll support a law authorizing anal sex with camels.

Now I understand certain things are hard to believe and comprehend, but all I ask from you is only 7 days and if you will follow my instructions and use the items you will receive, I promise your life will never be the same again. Why? Because my items I send you are thermonuclear devices that explode when you open them, and being next to one of those exploding will guaran-f**king-tee that your life will never be the same.

If you don't trust me on that, contact me and I'll prove it to you.

If you find no relevance in the help I offer, you're a f**king dumbass and I hope you get genital-eating crotch crickets.

All inquiries should be directed to this email: secretpower1@blumail.org

Asked and answered. And not a few hours after I sent the emailer my "edited" inquiry, I got a response that was the epitome of brevity:

f**k you.
Nor was I long in response:

I fail to see how that solves all, or for that matter, ANY of my problems in 7 days. Or EVAH. Elucidate, please.
None was forthcoming. Guess they'll remain "secret powers", eh?