An Out Of This Woild Lottery Scam

It didn't start out that way...but that's how it wound up once my pet rock, Seymour, got done widdit.


Another UK based international internet email lottery.  Another one that I never entered, yet I won.


I'm a billionaire in unentered online lotteries.  I'm lucky to collect a powerball number on a real ticket.


Here's a piece of the email as received:




The National Lottery

Congratulations! Winning Notification!

UK online international Lottery Award Prize of £820,731.00 (Eight Hundred and Twenty
Thousand, Seven Hundred and Thirty One British Pounds).
Email Account Owner,
Congratulations!! We are happy to announce that you have won an online lottery prize in our
international lottery promotion.
Your active e-mail address attached to computer generated ticket number: BH 05607545
7152 withreference number UK/KA2C110EN5 has won UK Lottery 2nd category award prize.
Contact our Fiduciary agents immediately to commence release of your lottery prize by
providing details as listed below.

1. Full Name:

2. Email Address:
3. Age/Occupation:
4. Reference Number/Ticket Number
5 Phone Number:
6. Country:
7. Date of draw

UK Lottery Fiduciary Agents:

Mr. William Boyd
Foreign Service Manager
Watford Regional Centre
Tolpits Lane, Watford WD18 9RN .United Kingdom

E-mail: mrwilliamboyd2000@outlook.com

Thank you and Congratulation once again!








At any rate, the lottery claimed I'd won a few thousand pounds.  I'd be happy to lose 40.


"I'll say!!!"


Shut up, Seymour.


At any rate, I allowed Seymour the snarky pet rock, a go at editing the lottery email.  It came out about how you'd expect an email edited by a snarky pet rock to wind up:

The Space, Asteroid And Other Ass 'n Roid Related Stuff Lottery

Congratulations! Winning Notification!  You winded!!!

A CPAP can hep with that, but I digress.

I am William Boyd, a crustacean sodomizer and all around clusterf**k of a lowlife, but

today I writes you with the bestest of news you can ever hopes to hears.  You are winded!!!

And you winned, too!

The first annual Space, Asteroid And Other Ass 'n Roid Related Stuff Lottery was holded

this day, and it was your good fortune that on this day, it was helded!  In places with

varying atmospheres and gravitational pulls of the leg, you could weigh anywhere from

normalcy to Eight Hundred and Twenty Thousand, Seven Hundred and Thirty One Pounds.

In the right places, you'd be the super Tubster!  And with a move to the righter places, you'd

win The Biggest Loser handily and every other bodily partily!

Of course, it is my hopps that it is here I shall makes you a big loser, yes?

On to the stuff that dreams are made wet until awakening next to donkey butt ugly:  

We are happy to announce that you have won an online outer space 'n time lottery prize in our
intergalactic lottery promotion. 

Your active e-mail address attached to a satellite launched in 1979 -- we prophesized your email

address even then, pretty kewl, huh?  -- had this winded and winned computer generated ticket

number: barackinsaneobola056075457152,  with reference number UK/KA2C110EN5, and included

with a side of fries and coleslaw, has winded and winned the aforementioned lottery!

Contact our alien Fiduciary agents immediately to commence release of your lottery prize by
providing details as listed below.

1. Full Name:

2. Email Address:
3. Age/Occupation:
4. Reference Number/Ticket Number
5 Phone Number:
6. Planet:

7. Country:
8. Date of draw

Space, Asteroid And Other Ass 'n Roid Related Stuff Fiduciary Agents:

Mr. William Boyd
Very Foreign Service Manager
Andromeda Regional Centre
Tolpits Lane, Watford WD18 9RN .Regulus 9,

Andromeda system (it beats being from Uranus)

E-mail: mrwilliamboyd2000@outlook.com

Thank you and Congratulation once again!

Yours faithfully,

Angela M. Johnson. a multi-legged, three-headed antennae creature of dubious antecedence containing six vaginas that catch flies

(Online coordinator)
The Space, Asteroid And Other Ass 'n Roid Related Stuff Lottery

All windeds and winningses must be claimed not later than 15 LIGHT DAYS. After this date all unclaimed funds will be returned to Deep Space 9 by way of cosmic fart of immense proportions.

"Please do not reply back to the senders address or the from email address, this notification is sent automatically via computer thru the black hole in the middle of Eric Holder's mouth, and has been determined to be 100% fecal coated and rather unclean..  A response will not be attended by Human but computer that looks like HRC's immense ass, and will most likely scare children and small pets. 


 

I'm sure the DNC isn't appreciating receiving these email edits...but Seymour insists they get them.

"Do NOT!!!"

Contest To End ALL Contests

A fitting day for this particular post -- May Day.

At least some of you will see what I just did there.

In one rather unspectacular night in April -- during one of my bouts with insomnia -- I received three rapid-fire notifications via email, that I had 'won' three online lottos. My collective 'win' was just short of 7 Million Pounds (UK), between the three. I had 'won' lottos from the UK National, Shell Oil and Microsoft, EU.

*Yawn*

Insomnia's a funny thing, 'cept when you have it. But it wasn't you that had it. It was me.

And that, sometimes, can be funny. Or not. Depends on how your sense of humor trends, in warped relation to my own.

As has been my habit, despite nun protests, I re-wrote all three contests, and sent them back to their originators, along with to a very select group of email scammers (ie., their email addresses are, for now, still working).

Not that I got anything in return that readers would find amusing on this go around; but you might find some strange kind of amusement in what I did with one of the re-writes, which will fit in the the accompanying photo/calendar for next year's widely-anticipated *apocalypse* on The History Channel.

'Prolly just like Y2K.

At any rate, a scammer flying under the guise of Barrister David Green (claim_dptupdate@live.com), and his internet scam ho' Rose Wood -- they threw in a 'Mrs' in parentheses, just to legitimize her -- sent me email notification that I had won the UK NATIONAL LOTTERY.

I returned it to him/her/it, along with over a dozen of their respective peers this way, along with amended dates, times, and outcomes: *Blogger's Note: if you are offended by making fun of 'The End', you might only wince at what's to come; trust me, you're really smirking, and about to lapse into LYAO....really*

SUBJ: MAYAN CALENDAR APOCALYPSE LOTTERY

TO: THE PITIFULLY FEW SURVIVORS

DATE: FRIDAY, DECEMBER 21, 2012

Dear Email User,

You're F***ED! Guess what time it is? THAT'S RIGHT: IT'S THE END OF THE MAYAN CALENDAR, AND YOU'RE TEE-TOTALLY F***ED!

Whacking great time for a contest, we thought.

Our Mayan Calendar APOCALYPSE LOTTERY has selected YOUR EMAIL to have WON the sum of...oh hell, what the f*** does it matter? After all, you can't take it with you, right? So just print this notification and take THAT with you, so you can show everyone you know in the afterlife that you went out a WINNER!

To the official sh**: Your email has won the sum of 5,014,478 GBP in cash credited to a file in the just concluded by the Mayan Calendar APOCALYPSE LOTTERY. Programme held on Draw Date Thursday, December 20, 2012. Sorry we didn't notify you a tad quicker. Eh....f***ing sue us. Our attorneys will see yours in Heckydarnpoo and probably do lunch on your dime.

Winning numbers: 10, 26, 28, 34, 35, 39 and bonus 17

Ticket number: 8603775966738

Secret number: ....you realize, of course, that providing you all this info is just a f***ing waste of time, right? ...089188/10

Please submit the following informations, not that it will make much difference, because it's the END OF THE CALENDAR AND YOU'RE F***ING DEAD! But, what the f***: just in case you happened to avoid dying from the big ass asteroid that obliterated your, Mr. Rogers, and everyone elses' neighborhoods, then you can fight it out with the zombies that have to survive to make this a worthwhile project for what's left of Hollyweird to make a movie out of.

Just don't look for it on the 2013 Oscars; zombies eat anything remotely Oscar. Nyuk.

Please email your informations (full name, address, physical description, marks, scars, tattoos, other identifying features) to Fiduciary agent Barrister David Green at email claim_dptupdate@live.com

Note: All Responses should be sent to Agent via email, since everyone will be running around and screaming, as they see the giant space rock about to wipe their sorry asses out of existence; Barrister Green will have his 4G phone with him, to record your winning information while he's running and screaming. That's right, Barrister: you work to the bloody f***ing end.

Congratulations from the MAYAN CALENDAR APOCALYPSE LOTTERY!

Do you think that Barrister Green, or any of his over a dozen peers, appreciated the irony here? It would have been nice, had they dropped me a line to let me know.

Eh..perhaps they're too busy running and screaming already.