Scam IMF Reaches For The Stars

At this point, I doubt that even Uranus is ready for Joe Bidumb.

Meantime, email scammers probably won't know the difference.

It's 2022, but scammers are still using pre-COVID templates that have neither been updated or vaccinated against the #FJB variant.

Take a look:

Dear Beneficiary,

In review of the alarming rate of Money Laundering and Extortion observed by U.S Treasury Department , a petition to IMF International Regulatory Authority through the U.S Congress and the IMF International Regulatory sworn into action that the governing body of the International Monetary Fund (IMF) facts finding department to investigate the unnecessary delay of accredited payments ,as your email was among the listed beneficiaries submitted for the approved Scheduled Payment.

In the Payment Schedule (IMF Debt Payment Review), you are approved to receive the sum of US$13,000,000.00(Thirteen Million Dollars Only). And following the concluded IMF acquisition process of all pending payments with the U.S Treasury Department, it was resolved and agreed upon that all unclaimed Funds should be released ASAP.

Based on these facts,please note that upon receipt of your response we will process and send your Payment , so if you like to receive your fund, contact the director in charge of the payment disbursement at INTERNATIONAL MONETARY FUND SETTLEMENT CENTER Mr.Steven Timm on his email address: And also send him the following information;

Full Names:
Mailing/Residential Address:
Cell Phone Number:
Age/Sex/Occupation:

If you need an urgent attention send an email to him immediately.

Your immediate compliance to this will expedite actions on your payment because here in this office, we have a lot of listed beneficiaries to be settled.

FOR International Monetary Fund   

New year, same old templates.

My pet rock, Seymour, has been on a space exploration kick ever since William Shatner finally made it into space, two or three centuries before his character will.

Thus it goes to follow that Seymour's edit of this tired template would have something of a space theme to it:

From: WTF <mailto@imf.org>
Sent: Wednesday, December 15, 2021 7:17 PM
To: jacknjillwentoffthepill01@hotmail.com 
Subject: Settlement Plots on Uranus Open For Bidding      

Vhat Das Phuckensee,

In review of the alarming rate of Monkey Laundering and Fecal Excretions observed by the Treasury of Nigeria, a petition to WTF International Regulatory Authority through the Nigerian government and the WTF International Regulatory sworn into action that the governing body of the International Monketary Famdamily (IMF) facts finding department to investigate the assignment of settlement plots on the planet Uranus that begin accepting applications 1 January 2022 and begin accepting settlers on those plots after January 1, 2034. 

 The unnecessary delay of moving forward was due to insufficient interplanetary access; but Space X has agreed to handle all flights starting in January 2025, since it takes eight years to get there.

In the transport Schedule (WTF Review), you are approved for a window seat on Space X Omicron IV, the #FJB Express, with scheduled launch on January 3, 2025, arriving on Uranus on or about January 10, 2034.  

Based on these facts, please note that upon receipt of your reservations we will process and send your boarding pass, so if you like to receive your boarding pass soonest, contact the director in charge of the transportation authority of the WTF Mr. Steven Timm on his email address.

And also send him the following information;

Full Names:

Mailing/Residential Address:
Cell Phone Number:
Age/Sex/Occupation:

Estimated Coordinates Of Your Awarded Settlement on Uranus:

If you think that you need an urgent attention send an email to him immediately, but really...we're not launching until January 2025.

Your immediate compliance to this will expedite actions on your transport seating because here in this office, we have a lot of listed nincompoops wanting to go to Uranus to be settled.

I remain this week only,

Mr. Steven Timm

WTF Travel Coordinator

stevetimm@yandex.com

"Nuffin Could Be Finer Than Be Flyin' To Uranus In Da Mornin'"

Most times, an edit like this ends the game before it can get going.  This time, the email originator did have something to say in reply:

what hell is this?

Whaddaya mean?  

this is not email i send.

Really?  That's what I received from you.  Perhaps you should check your template and try your send again.  It's really hard to get good help in your neck of the woods, after all.

After that one, the scammer saw no point in further reply.

Seymour was naturally disappointed.

"Was NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

Seymour is even built for Uranus...and can't see what I just did there.

"Can TOO!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

Yes, We Actually Had This Email Conversation

Any regular visitors to this blog have to find themselves wondering if these posted conversations really take place.

Probably not among people who have far better things to do and time to spend on better and finer things.

But me?  Eh...I have nothing and no one better on which to spend my time than this abject nonsense.

Which makes possible, in my pathetic world, these actual conversations.

Of course, it takes two to have such ridiculous conversations.  And I frequently find online email scammers just ridiculous enough to indulge myself with.

Even my pet rocks get lucky on occasion.

But this one belongs strictly to my character.  And here's how it began, with an alleged email from Access Bank PLC:


IMF REGULATORY OFFICE,(2020)
INTERNATIONAL FUNDS REGULATORY AUTHORITY.
FROM THE DESK OF: MR. MICHAEL ONEL, RESIDENT REPRESENTATIVE, IMF
OFFICE, NIGERIA.

ATM CARD PAYMENT DEPARTMENT.

  Dear Beneficiary,

This is to officially inform you that INTERNATIONAL FUNDS REGULATORY
AUTHORITY directed by the Presidential task force on contract /inheritance
fund payment reconciliation committee to send a bonus funds to all lucky
beneficiary whom have lost money in so many ways to regain their
lost.Following the approval and Remittance instruction received by the
various approval ministry, we the DIRECTOR, ATM PAYMENT DEPARTMENT also
received from the presidential task force (PTF) to credit your account by
ATM card without further delay.Your Inheritance/bonus Fund of ($10.6M USD)
will be program on ATM card.Please verify and reconfirm to UNITED BANK OF
AFRICA
in conjunction with ACCESS BANK OF NIGERIA your credentials,in order to
avoid remitting the fund to a wrong
channel.

The ATM card will be issued to you and it will be delivered to you via a
reputable Courier Service Delivery Agency as soon as we receive your recent
information stated below

1. Your direct cell, office tel /fax numbers:
2. Your location address:
3. Your full name:

Kindly get back to us as soon as you receive this email and we shall advice
you on what next to do to enable us proceed with the processing of your ATM
CARD with your information.

MR. MICHAEL ONEL
DIRECTOR - GENERAL  INTER-CONTINENTAL DEBT
RECONCILIATION DEPARTMENT OF
IMF REGULATORY OFFICE  


...and it all goes downhill from here:


Why are desks in Nigeria smarter than the persons that sit behind them?  


Sorry , seems you dont understand the procedure, we have offices that are responsible for ATM card funds, and access bank is.   the approved bank to issue ATM CARD FUNDS. send your detail to commence processing of your ATM CARD FUNDS as soon as soon as possible.

Thanks.  

 

 

Why is a desk sending this, and not the person that sits behind the desk?  Inquiring minds want to know.  

 

 

The desk himself is speaking,so comply with your details.

Thanks.  

Nothing like a piece of furniture that thinks it's a smart ass.  I don't conduct business with office furniture, especially when that furniture is smarter than the person sitting behind it.  


Is legit, a trial will convince you okay.  


A trial, eh?  Ya mean like a Law & Order trial?

I'll take Angie Harmon for a thousand, Alex.

No you are not understand this.  Forward your details to start processing your ATM card funds.  


I think I understand you're not going to try me with Angie.  F***.  So, am I forwarding my 'details' to a piece of office furniture or a person?  Believe it or not, it will make a difference in the outcome.  

You will forward your detail to here and it will be handle legit you have my word.


And what, pray tell, is your 'word'?  Or that of your 'desk'?  Do you both have the same 'word'?


Time is not on our side with this legit deal.  You must do as instruct soonest. 


As my attorney of note, Angie Baby told me not to violate my constitutional rights to self-gratification, though with her, I'd violate anything fun.  

You do not need attorney for this.  You need just do as we instructed okay.


Is this you speaking, or the desk?  I can see a piece of office furniture not being turned on by Angie Harmon, but unless you're gay or an octosexual orthopod, you simply could NOT but be swept away in the oceans of her eyes.  


What is wrong with things there?  This is legit deal I have here.


If Angie is any part of things here, absolutely NOTHING is wrong.  Even your desk should have a woody from this.

(and I included this picture in the reply)

WHAT???  ARE WE TO DO BUSINESS HERE OR NOT?  


Since neither you nor your desk look like Angie, I'm guessing the business at hand is probably not yours.  But y'all can come on back if you ever want to try again...'cuz I told you once you summa na bitch that she's the best that's ever been!
(..with a sorta apology to Charley Daniels)

That was good for one last pithy salvo:


Write no more here.


So I did:


No more here.  That was easy.  Your desk should have made this that easy to begin with.


So it was never clearly determined if I was being contacted by a person or piece of office furniture of this alleged bank in Nigeria.  But I did determine that Angie Harmon moves me far moreso than either person or desk in Scamland.

Elements Are More Than Just Animals With Big Ears

It's every bit as bizarre in Scamland as it is in the DNC these days.

Nigerian scammers are pushing crap every bit as nonsensical as The Green New Deal.  Much to that Cortez broad's chagrin.

Here's a sample of the latest out of Nigeria...which could easily have come out of the DNC:


YOUR PAYMENT NOTIFICATION
INTERNATIONAL MONETARY FUND (IMF)
HEAD OFFICE NO: 77, Obafemi Awolowo Way, Ikeja
LAGOS STATE NIGERIAN.

CHECK HERE VIEW OUR WEBSITE; www.imf.org

IMF -- International Monetary Fund Home Page IMF Home page with links to News, About the IMF, Fund Rates, IMF Publications, What's New, Standards and Codes, Country Information and featured topics www.imf.org

 PLEASE REPLY TO THIS EMAIL== mr.kenrichard2020@gmail.com

                           INSTRUCTION TO RELEASE YOUR FUND
ATTENTION:

This is to intimate you of a very important information which will be of
a great help to redeem you from all the difficulties you have been
experiencing in getting your long overdue payment of $15Million  USD due
to excessive demand for money from you by both corrupt Bank officials
and Courier Companies after which your fund remain unpaid to you.

I am Mr. Ken Richard a highly placed official of the International
Monetary Fund (IMF). It may interest you to know that reports have
reached our office by so many correspondences on the uneasy way which
people like you are treated by Various Banks and Courier Companies/
Diplomat across Europe to Africa and Asia /London Uk and we have decided
to put a stop to that and that is why I was appointed to handle your
transaction here in Nigeria. All Governmental and Non-Governmental
prostates, NGOs, Finance
Companies, Banks, Security Companies and Courier companies which have
been in contact with you of late have been instructed to back up from
your transaction and you have been advised NOT to respond to them
anymore since the IMF is now directly in charge of your fund.  


The email went on for several more tortured paragiraffes, but the wonder is that not once were cow farts mentioned therein.

When it came time for a reply -- and an edit -- cow farts were curiously absent from that, too:


From: WTF FUND. Mr Ken Richard <mrjonesrobinson250@gmail.com>
Sent: Wednesday, March 27, 2019 8:14 AM
Subject: WTF FUND. Mr Ken 'The Dick' Richard.  WE FOUND YOUR PANTS

 

WE FOUND YOUR PANTS NOTIFICATION
WHAT THE F**K
HEAD OFFICE NO: 77, Obafemi Awolowo Way, Ikeja
LAGOS STATE NIGERIAN SLAG PITS.

PLEASE REPLY TO THIS EMAIL== mr.kenrichard2020@gmail.com

                           INSTRUCTION TO RETRIEVE YOUR PANTS
ATTENTION:

This is to intimate you of a very important information which will be of
a great help to redeem you from all the difficulties you have been
experiencing in getting your pants back from here.

I am Mr. Ken 'The Dick' Richard a patently ludicrous figure of the International
Horse of Road Apples (IHRA). It may interest you to know that reports have
reached our office by so many tweets and emails on the uneasy way which
people like you are having their pants found in all sorts of locations.

 We have decided to put a stop to that and that is why I was appointed to handle your pants return here in Nigeria. All Governmental and Non-Governmental
prostates, genitals, bowel movements and other like entities which have been

basically mucking this up have been instructed to back up from contacting you

furtherer and you have been advised NOT to respond to them anymore since

WTF is now directly in charge.

AOC thinks that she's in charge...meh.  She can't find her ass with both hands.

The most annoying thing is that your pants that you left here are badly fouled.

Small wonder you left them here.  You must have run into our government-run

house of ill-repute, and seed all the 400 pound prostitutes they have there.

Truth be told, I'd foul my pants too, if I saw some of them coming my way.

 I do not intend to work here all the days of my life; I have a dream of a small

dacha in an unpillaged portion of Newark where I can see the ocean and not

have to hear the sound of leftist millennials screaming on behalf of dead tree

stumps and that Hellary lost, while frothing at the mouth from noshing Tide

pods.  But first, the issue of returning your pants to you must be fulfilled.

Please this is like a Mafia setting in Nigeria where everyone thinks they're

living a bit like The Sopranos and Breaking Bad, if it were depicted on

South Park. 

You may not understand it because you are not a Nigerian.  I know no one

from Uranus understands it.  If they were from Nigeria, they're probably

prefer Uranus.  Certainly the current #WalkAway movement from the DNC

would vastly prefer Uranus to life in Bela Pelosi's or Maxipad Waters'

respective districts.

In a brief aside -- pun might be intended, we'll see -- the following persons

are up for a Nigerian Emmy for Best Depiction Of A Post Mueller Report

Meltdown in 2019.  The nominees are:

 1) Prof. Charles soludo(CBN)
2)make dave
3) Chief Lamido Sanusi(CBN)
4) John Rob(Barclays bank plc)
5) Mrs Stella Brown(Barclays bank plc)
6) Ronald Franklin
7)  (Federal Reserve Bank of New York)
8) Mr. Ernest Chukwudi Obi
9) Mr. Mike Jombo
Deputy Governor - Policy / Board Member
10) Mr. Tunde Lemo
Deputy Governor - Financial Sector Surveillance / Board Member
(11) Mrs. W. D. A. Mshelia
Deputy Governor - Corporate Services / Board Members
12) Mrs. Okonjo Iweala
13) Mrs. Rita Ekwesili
14)Mr.Rick Ruzzi--Us Bank
15)Mr. Harold Wesley-Citizens Bank Of Canada
16)Mr.Agent Jason Gale-FBI
17)Mr. Grant Watson

18)That Cortez broad from NY's 14th congressional district of fools

19)The View cast

20)Everyone at Berkeley

You are hereby advised NOT to entrust your pants to any of those

folks, even if they win.

Please complete the informations below, just on accounta cuz:

1. Full Name:
2. Address:
3. Nationality:
4. Age: Date of Birth:
5. Occupation:
6. Phone: Mobile/Cellular
7. State of Origin:
8. Copy of your identity Card

9. Address and phone numbers of any virgins you might know

Also Call me (+234-903-485-7049) as soon as you receive the letter so
that I am given some hope that at least one knucklehaid out there will

received this.

Hurry while supplies last.
Mr Ken 'The Dick' Richard
PLEASE REPLY TO THIS EMAIL== mr.kenrichard2020@gmail.com  

 

 

No reply was forthcoming from 'The Dick'.  Nor was one coming from the DNC; they know how bad that Cortez broad is going over, and many of them are guilty of leaving their pants in all sorts of compromising locations.  #Metoo can't keep up.

Someone might see what I just did there...

Christmas Is This Month, But...

This would be pretty definitive proof, no doubt.

This scammer qualifies:


Dear Sir

My name is Grisu Jürgen of the International Monetary and Financial
Committee (IMFC) of the IMF. The IMF through an electronic random pick has
chosen your name for compensation/payment. At the meeting of heads of
international financial institutions held recently in Geneva Switzerland,
the key topics up for discussion by the World Bank Group included the
implementation of the World Bank's strategy within the framework of the
2030 AGENDA FOR SUSTAINABLE DEVELOPMENT.

The IMF is still optimistic in its semi-annual growth outlook. However in  view of the Global Economic Recovery,
in the IMF Steering Committee,  Federal Councilor Ueli Maurer
among other things welcomed the proposed  structural reforms,
which includes the swift release of beneficiaries  funds because in so
doing once these funds are back in circulation the  financial growth
that we sought for will be achieved sooner than later.

Therefore, some transactions that require our urgent attention were listed
out. We therefore initiated an electronic random pick of many names to
benefit from this program and decided that the funds will be released
through an auto loaded system (ALS). This Auto loading will be monitored
by the Financial Action Task Force (FATF). You are therefore advised to
contact FATF who will facilitate the Auto loading of your funds. FATF
E-mail contact is: fatf.gafi-europa@online.ee

Best Regards,
Grisu Jürgen
IMFC EUROPE
Auto Load Department

Paris Office. 64-66, Avenue d'lena 75116 Paris, France

® All right reserved

                 **** IMPORTANT NOTICE! ****

This message is legal information to the intended recipient from the
International Monetary and Financial Committee.  


Yes, Santa doesn't think much of this scam.  Santa thought so little of it,
he asked to weigh in on the edit.

I have plenty of coal to tease my pet rock with ("PHFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!),
so I'm all for letting Santa put his mark on this edit:


From: WTF EUROPA <info@imfc.org>
Sent: Wednesday, November 14, 2018 10:41 AM
Subject: FROM WTF EUROPA 

Dear Gender and Binary Neutral

My name is Grisu Jürgen of the International What The F**knancial
Committee (IWTFC) of the WTF. The WTF through an electronic random pick has
chosen your name for screwing, bluing and tattooing. At the meeting of heads of
international f*cksticks held recently in a Third World sh*thole -- Nigeria --
the key topics up for discussion by the WTF group included the
questions foremost on everyone's mind:  who's going to hit Hellary Clinton

with a bucket of water before her inflatable sex toy runs for president in

2020, giving rise to another book from her when she inevitably loses, titled

WTF Happened This Time by Hellary Rodehard Clinton, within the framework of the
2020 AGENDA FOR UNSUSTAINABLE DEMOCRAP IDEAS.

For a view of how that works, see Venezuela.

We of the WTF remain cautiously optimistic in outlook. However in
view of the Flat Worlders lawsuit against Globalism, the WTF Steering Committee,
Federal Councilor Ueli Maurer lost control of the dung cart and it took out

all the donuts and coffee we were there to overindulge in.  Because, to be

frank, nothing we do at the WTF is worth snake spit, other than the donuts and

coffee.  And that yutz totally screwed the pooch for all of us.

Therefore, we need some transactions urgently to replace the lost treats.

We already set up a #GoFundMe, but the idiot that we entrusted with the

set up put it in wrong and we're getting lots of comments but no donations

on our #GoF**kOurselves page.  Never send a single digit IQed gender

neutral octosexual orthopod to do the job of a door knob.

We therefore initiated an electronic random vote generator that enrolls

dead people, cartoon characters, farm animals and bowel movements to

vote for Democraps in districts where they can't win legitimately.

For reasons your mothers would probably tell you not to, you are advised to
contact the obesely fat doofus we have wedged into our reception station here,

who hasn't missed a meal to the tune of 550 pounds and still expanding.

The fat doofus E-mail contact is: fatf.gafi-europa@online.ee

At Best, Dubious Regards,
Grisu Jürgen
WTF EUROPA
Auto Be Shut Down Department

Paris Office. 64-66, Avenue d'lena 75116 Paris, France

® All rights circumsized by a far-sighted chimpanzee that hasn't won the game

Operation yet.

                 **** IMPORTANT NOTICE! ****

This message is from porn attorney's prison account and is as legitimate

as any hooker he's represented, though far less so than any tax bill he's never

paid.

MS13NBC and The View are upset about that.  Morons like that would be.

Anyone else of substance could give a sh*t.

 

 

Not sure if it's Santa's touch added to the edit, but the scammer hasn't followed up. 

Perhaps he's not into any more coal than I already have.

IMF Meets WTF

And it all begins with a fat Jimmy Kimmel.

More or less.

When the IMF sends one an unsolicited email announcing that it's helping award you undeserved funds, you know that Kimmel isn't the only fat head out there:


Dear sir,
My name is Mar Luciana Valdez of the Europe office of the Funds  Transfer Tracking Bureau of the International Monetary Fund  (IMF). I am mandated to inform you that we received reports that  you have a transaction overseas. The report shows that to  circumvent normal banking procedures you were issued a VISA ATM  Card. For some unconventional reasons this transaction was not  concluded and your goals were not accomplished after series of
process you went through. Consequently we finally traced the
origin and location of the ATM Card. We therefore decided that
your funds will be released to you through an Auto Loaded System
(ALS). This means that your funds will be auto loaded into your
existing VISA ATM Card. This Auto loading will be monitored by
the High Commission for Better Governance (HCFBG). You are
therefore advised to contact HCFBG who will facilitate the Auto
loading of your funds into your existing VISA ATM Card. HCFBG
E-mail contact is:
hcfbg-tracking@europe.com
Best Regards,
Mar Luciana Valdez
IMF EUROPE
ATM Tracking department.  


Such a convincing scam, just like Kimmel put on with DACA.


Let's see how the scammer copes with a little bit of editing:

From: WTF EUROPE <scotta51@ureach.com>
Sent: Thursday, February 8, 2018 4:43 PM
Subject: FROM WTF EUROPE

 

Dear gender neutral,
My name is Marred Looks Valdez of the Europe office of the F**k
Transfer Tracking Bureau of the What The F**k (WTF). I am person-

dated to inform you that we received reports that you have a trans-

gendered action overseas. The report shows that to circumvent

normal procedures you were issued an inflatable Hellary sex toy in

a box labeled "smashed lamp parts". 

For some unconventional reasons this box was not up 50% in the

polls and the goals of the inflatable sex toy were not accomplished

after series of fraudulent investigations of fake dossiers and made

up news stories on cnn and msnbc.

Consequently we finally traced the origin and location of the scam

to Chappaqua.  We therefore decided that you should renounce

AlGore and everything democrap, and get loaded on homemade

hootch and mentally marinate until 2024.

This means that you won't be triggered and need a safe room,

puppy videos, and cupcakes by avoiding hearing "Trump" or

"keep more of what you earn" or "work for a living" or "Americans

before illegals" or "Chicks on the Right" or Jimmy Kimmel making a

total leftard ass of himself on late night TV.

Of course, if you operate on the same three atrophied brain

cells that Cher and Maxine Waters do, you're already too

stupid to salvage.

This lame process will be monitored by the High Commission for

Dickie Durbin's Tantrums (HCFDDT). You are therefore advised to

avoid contact with anything remotely akin to HCFDDT in case the

aforementioned brain atrophy is contagious.

If you insist on experiencing stupidity the likes of Joy Behar,

Joy Reid, Don Lemon and Joe Scarborough, you can send

an email to:

hcfbg-tracking@europe.com

Tell them in 200 words or less why Jim Acosta is such a total

twat waffle that Sarah Huckabee Sanders derives glee from

making cry  on a regular basis.

 

Best Regards,
Marred Looks Valdez
WTF EUROPE
OMG Tracking department.

The faux IMF had nothing further to say.  cnn and Kimmel never do.

Ways To Git Certificates From Nigeria

The scammer....not so much.

For only $200, I coulda got me a "money laundering and anti-terrorism certificate", which would have cleared the way for me to get an ATM card from the IMF worth $7.3 or so million dollars.

Uh huh.

From Nigeria.

Uh huh.

Here's a piece of the original action, as sent my character(s) by Sean Hagan, an authentic Irish Nigerian:


This is to inform you that the international Monetary Fund (IMF) has today intercepted a debit card valued at US$7,306,515 (Seven Million, three hundred and six thousand, five hundred and fifteen United States Dollars) from Bank of America. It is to be placed ON-HOLD until you provide a money Laundering and Anti-terrorist Certficate. The card was sent by the Central Bank of Nigeria.We  have verified the card to be as a result of your UK National Lottery win. However, we would need a money laundery certificate and Anti-terrorist Certficate from Nigeria, indicating you are cleared of any money Laundery and terrorist Charges. It is to be obtained from the Federal High Court of Nigeria. We have also verified the card to be true and original. You are advised to contact the, Director of Legal Department, General Counsel Sean Hagan for the details on how to obtain your money Laundery and Anti-terrorist Clearance Certificate which will enable us release the card to you.  Sean Hagan’s email is (  seanhagan@imf-usa.ee.tn ). 

 

NB: The certificate will cost you $200 to obtain from Nigeria. Email him and ask him how you can send him the $200 in Nigeria to obtain the certificate  

 

 

Yup.  Well, my character(s) didn't respond promptly or well to this, so I got an email that repeated the above, but entitled "Your Debit Card has been stopped". 

 

Uh huh.

 

I would submit that, after this edit, the debit card is more than stopped:

 

 

Your Debit Card has stopped breathing.

On Wednesday, August 5, 2015 12:31 AM, International Morontary Fungus <info@imf.com> wrote:

This is to inform you that the international Morontary Fungus (IMF) has today pronounced an ATM card in your name DAID.  Yup.  Corpsified.  No vital signs. 

It collapsed while trying to make it from the counterfeiter h'yar in Nigeria to the FedUp office in Lagos.  CPR was called for, but none of us knowd it.  An AED was called for, but all we had was IUDs from panned unparenthood and IEDs from isis.  *BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*  We tried a prayer rug made from a land mine, but all that's doing is sending prophets through the ceiling.

Nyuk.

An autopsy is pending, though we don't expect to learn much from it...if you'd seed the frawg we dissected in biology class, you'd know why.

So we thinkin' about making you another 'un, but is you is or is you ain't to git one depends on until you provide a money Laundering and Anti-terrorist Certficate.

Spencer's ain't got 'em so, don't even go there.  Same with Hallmark.

You has three options on gittin' you one of them thangs:  (a) you can pay me $200 and I'll forge you one; (b) you can pay me nothing and make up your own; (c) you can kiss my ass if you choose (b).

However, we would need a money laundery certificate and Anti-terrorist Certficate from Nigeria, because in our laundery we gots a mismatched pair of certificates, and we'd rather not go out in public wearing mismatched certificates.

 One way this can't be resolved is to be obtain it from the Federal High Court of Nigeria.  But they're all illiterate.  We have also verified the card to be true and originally a box top from a tampon box.   This might only matter on msnbc.

 

You are advised to contact the, Director of Legal Hookanooskery, General Counsel Sean Hagan -- yeah, we have Irish names in Nigerian email scams -- for the details on how to obtain your money Laundery and Anti-terrorist Clearance Certificate without you resorting to (b) so you won't have to kiss my ass.

It's unwashed, so you really don' wanna.

Sean Hagan’s email is (  seanhagan@imf-usa.ee.tn ).  He also loves questions about his dubious antecedence. 

NB: The certificate will cost you $200 to obtain from Nigeria. Make your own is way cheaper and about as effective.  Email him and ask him to wash his ass if you're going to resort to (b).  

Spank you

 John Lipsky

International Morontary Fungus

 

 

Thus far, I've received no reply from the Irish Nigerian scammer or his dubious antecedents.  Spencer's is thinking about cashing in on them certificates, though...

 

Uh huh.

 

Now That We're Still Here...

Okay.  We made it to 2013.

So since the Mayan calendar didn't get us, now it's the turn of the worst potus' in history and his hellthscare plan. 

The good news is, your Christmas gifts weren't wasted.  The bad news is, you'll have to file taxes for 2012.

Now that that's settled...sometimes, newspaper headlines wind up sounding more stupid than the story they announce.

And sometimes, the story winds up deserving the stupid headlines.

But I digress.

A pre-Mayan calendar scammer -- a Mr. Sebastian, allegedly with the IMF -- titled his email "VIEW EMAIL ATTACHMENT FOR MORE INFORMATION".  The attached email was a brief blurb, allegedly from the International Monetary Fund, concerning "my" part of $8.5 million USD, the effort by a Mrs. Virgie Brown to have me declared "dead" so she could have my "portion", and Mr. Sebastian's effort to determine if I, or Mrs. Virgie Brown, would "get my portion". 

In short, I had to let Mr. Sebastian know if I was dead or not.  Sounds pretty simple, huh?

Well...I decided that the headline and the story needed to digress, and radically so.  I kept a key element of Mr. Sebastian's theme in play -- whether the recipient was 'dead' or not -- but to him and 50+ of his friends and colleagues, that's where the resemblance of his email title and email content ran abruptly off the rails:

International Momentary Fungi (IMF)
54 abbis, route des Aca-ca
Case postale 1516
CH-1227 Geneva
Switzerland. 

ATTN: Benefil subscriber,

I do not write to dogs or cats; if you are a Benefil subscriber, please disregard this email.  Woof. 

Otherwise, I am Mr. Sebastian Lipshitz of IMF of the Head in the Office Switzerland.  Yes, someone has to be the head of the head.  How else do you think it gets cleaned?

I don't know how to break this to you, but someone must break something sometime, otherwise unbroken things don't get replaced, and nothing new gets built if nothing new gets old and breaks, do you follow my curly-cue logic?  Good, because neither do I. 

Your email appeared among those who will receive a part-proctological exam that has been approved already for months. You are requested to remove your head from your ass, to allow it to return to normal size, prior to this exam.  No, that's not all. 

We received an email from one Mrs. Virgie Brown who told us that she is your next of kin and that you died in a peculiar accident on Dancing With The Stars last week, when a choreographed dancing rhinoseros duet accidentally squashed you during their big finale, prior to their being voted off the show.  She has also submitted her video of the incident to assure us that, yes, you really were squarshed between two dancing rhinoceros during Dancing With The Stars.  We want to hear from you before we can completely accept her claim that you are dead or not.  Please email us either way, and assert that (1) you are alive and unflattened by the Dancing With The Stars episode or (2) that you are as dead as a can of corned beef and moreso flat, and in the case of (2) we require proof of flatness in the form of (3) an attached photo of you between the two rhinos or (4) a signed affidavit from the Dancing With The Stars judges that confirms your flattening, in which case of our receiving (4) or (3), we'll accept as fact that you are indeed (2), and will grant Mrs. Virgie Brown's claim as aforesubmitted. 

If you are still alive, kindly tell us, in 100 words or less -- preferably in Azerbijani, since we don't speak New York Italian -- what the fidooniak you were doing on a show as ridiculous as Dancing With The Stars, where you could conceivably wind up between two dancing rhinoceros, when everyone not under the influence of their local bar pharmacist can tell you that you should NEVER appear on a TV show wherein you can get caught in between two dancing rhinoceros, or any possible combination therelike.  Please include at the end of your 100 Azerbijanic words -- if you use New York Italian, you will be disqualified and registered as a cruciverbal offender for disorderly vowel movement -- the following information for our records:

1 Your full names
2 Your present contact address.
3 Your telephone & Fax numbers.
4 The last time you had sex with an inflatable sock puppet named Squiggy.

4a.  The justifiable reason for your answer to the previous question.
5 Your Private Email Address.

I will apologize to you on behalf of IMF (International Momentary Fungi) if your response satisfies all of the requested informations we requested, in Azerbijani.  If you try a fast one by substituting Bostonian Greek, we will send one of the dancing rhinoceros to sit on your favorite couch during an incontinence episode.  Not knowing what incontinence is, rhinos tend to not worry about it, and incontinent with frequency and volume.  Life preservers will not be provided.

Thanks,
Mr. Sebastian Lipshitz

Artificial dust mop inseminator

IMF

What comes as no great surprise, is that Mr. Sebastian didn't read much, or any, of my edit.  He took my response as if I was alive and willing to be duped.  And for that, he also took on the role -- I assume this, and you'll learn why shortly -- of banker Vuso Vuyi.  So, I was getting emails from both Sebastian and Vuyi, who always seemed to know what the other one was sending to my character, Ben Dover.

Responding as usual, I fulfilled all of their information demands (name, address, phone number, business, et al), and I even added in a photo ID that was just fuzzied up enough that they couldn't read it well enough to get any useful info off of it. 

The game, as it turned out, was whether they could get me to wire $790 via Western Union to them, or how long I could bait and string them along.

Twin points of contention quickly developed:  the fuzzied up ID that they couldn't read (and I insisted that was the best my scanner could do with it); and my character's refusal to call Vuyi on the phone in Benin (at least the number included the country calling code of 229, which is Benin); my character kept patiently, then impatiently telling Vuyi that I was "hearing impaired" and couldn't hear long distance telephone callers.   Vuyi and Sebastian both insisted that I had to call Vuyi, or "the wiring instructions to Western Union wouldn't be sent". 
This resulted in my character sending a paragraph-long all-caps tirade, which included referring to Mr. Sebastian as "a jackwagoned douche nozzle of dubious antecedence who was, through his asshole conduct, f***ing up the whole deal", and that I would only deal with Vuyi if he'd send me the wiring instructions with no further delay.

That's when I came to the conclusion that Mr. Sebastian and Vuso Vuyi were the same person:  both stopped communicating with me forthwith.

I guess the 'Mr. Sebastian' half's butt hurt trumped the 'Mr. Vuyi' half in getting me to wire money.

OR...as my pet rock, Seymour suggested...the Mayan calendar prediction got to Sebastian/Vuyi, and just hasn't gotten around to me yet.

Seymour better hope he's wrong on the latter, or no more chinese egg rolls for him.

"PHFFFFFT!!!"