An Edit Not To Their Liking

Most times, scammers receive an edited version of their scam from my characters, and simply move on.

They're smart enough to recognize a dead-end when they hit one.

Sometimes, they're not so smart.  Or literate.  Or both.

Once in a great while, they recognize the dead-end, but can't let it go without a little snark.

Such was the case here:


From Desk Of Mr. Ibrahim Magu
Economic & Financial Crimes Commission
Head Office,5 Fomella Street. Wuse II.
Federal Capital Territory, Abuja-Nigeria


                                                           US$5 Million Dollars Compensation Fund.

Attention: Beneficiary,

I am Mr. Ibrahim Magu, The chairman of the ECONOMIC & FINANCIAL CRIMES COMMISSION (EFCC). We are In alliance with the Economic Community of West African States (ECOWAS) with its head Office here in Nigeria. We have been working towards the eradication of internet fraud and scam Activities in West Africa and beyond with the help of United States Government (FBI), Britain, World Bank and the United Nations.

We have successfully tracked  many of these scam artists in various parts of West African Countries which includes (NIGERIA, REPUBLIC OF BENIN, TOGO, GHANA, CAMEROUN and SENEGAL). They are all presently in our custody here in Lagos Nigeria.

We have recovered some stolen monies from the scam artists. The United Nations Anti-crime department, United States Government and the INTERNATIONAL MONETARY FUND (IMF) in conjunction with the UN poverty alleviation department, have decided to compensate One Hundred scam victims,  which the beneficiaries includes the less privileged, disabled persons and earthquake victims around the World.

This email is being directed to you because your email address was found in one of the scammers’ file and computer hard disk in our custody here in Africa.

You are therefore being compensated with the sum of $5 Million United States Dollars. We have also arrested some of those who claim to be barristers, bank officials, Lottery Agents and government officials who have money for transfer or want you to be the next of kin of such funds that never existed.

Since your name appeared among the lucky Beneficiaries who will receive a compensation of $5 Million, we have arranged your payment through our swift card payment centre.

Feel free to contact the processing officer Mr. Malemi Omene.The swift card has been specially prepared to enable you withdraw your money in any ATM machine in any part of the world, but the maximum is Five Thousand Dollars Only per day. So you are advised to contact the processing officer Mr. Malemi Omene
Through his email below address.

Contact Person: Mr. Malemi Omene
Email: malemiomene@gmail.com

Kindly Provide the information below to enable him prepare your ATM Master Credit Card and your secret Pin to access it.

1) Your full name:
2) Residential address:
3) Phone/fax numbers:
4) Profession:
5) Scan copy of id/age:

Yours Faithfully,
Mr. IbrahimMagui.
CHAIRMAN (EFCC).  


I always love/hate the "from the desk of" emails.  They never seem to learn how those go over here.  We'll soon see how this edit went over:


From: Ibrahim Magu <unorga09@gmail.com>
Sent: Monday, June 3, 2019 2:15 PM
Subject: Ain't No Compost High Enough To Keep Me From Divin' In It

 
From Desk Of A Nigerian Dolt Too Stupid To Know How To Email So I Let The Desk Do It
Economic & Financial Crime Commission Board
Head Office,5 Fomella Street. Wuse II.
Federal Capital Territory, Abuja-Nigeria


                                                           Your Fly Is Open And There's Nothing There

Attention:

I am Mr. Ibrahim Magu, one of the sandpoundingly stupidest Nigerians living or dead on the face of this Solar System.  That's why my desk is emailing this to you.  The ECONOMIC & FINANCIAL CRIME COMMISSION BOARD (EFCCB) -- the ones in Nigeria responsible for committing crimes -- We are In alliance with the Criminal Community of West African States (aka ACOWSASS) with its head up its ass in the Office here in Nigeria. We have been working towards the eradication of anyone interfering with internet fraud and scam Activities in West Africa and beyond with the help of ACOWSASS, the United Nations Suckretary Genital, Syria, Russia, democrats in the US Congress, Scientologists, Thetins, cnn, ms13nbc, a psychic yak in Tibet and that dumber-than-a-blonde cortez broad from NYC.

We have successfully tracked  many of these scam baiters that are upsetting our asshole carts in various parts of West African Countries to the US and Europe.  We of the EFCCB and assordid affiliated crime organizations which includes (NIGERIA, REPUBLIC OF BENIN, TOGO, GHANA, CAMEROUN, SENEGAL and the Washington DC-based DNC), are demanding that you stop interfering with our scams and fraud.

 

That starts with you...stop f**king with our email templates. 

We have recovered some of Hellary's stolen emails from her home server -- we found them in a recipe book on a cooking show on Uranus -- and we are now trying to avoid winding up on her pending "scheduled to have suicide committed" list. The United Nations Anti-Enema department, Kansans Against Twisters Bearing Broom Riders, the INTERNATIONAL MONKEYTARY FUND (IMF) in conjunction with the UN poverty spreading department, have decided to constipate One Hundred billion cows across the planet, and threaten to let them all fart at once, if you do not stop what you and your fellow scam baiters are doing.  Why wait 12 years for the World to end, when we can threaten to make it happen in one incredibly loud moooment.
 

We doubt most of you will see what we just did there.

This email is being directed to you because your email address was found to be tormenting some of our dumber members here in Africa and at the DNC.

You are therefore being adviced to, in the words of Bill Engvall, "stop ittttttttttttttttttt" with the tampering of our scam templates at once.  At once, do you hear?  We have bannisters standing by at the World Court, UN Court, Nigerian Court and every tennis court we could find to file the necessary amoroncussed briefs to stop you if you edit again.  We have also attempted arresting some of those who do what you do.  Not with any success, but we think we'll get it right in your case if you're not mindful of our empty demands.
 

 Since your name appeared among the list of people who are not welcome to audition for a place on the unheard-of TV show Nigeria's Got Suckass Talent, we have arranged for the aforementioned vacuous legal action against you, should you prove recalcitrant.

Fifty cents to the first person -- other than you -- who can tell us what that word means.  It was recommended by our smellpecker, so we put it in.

Feel free to disregard this email like you've disregarded all our other empty-threat emails, and see what happens.  We'll probably get mad and send you more empty-threat emails.  That's all our desk seems to know how to do, and it's so much smarter than we are.  Trying to ignore what we just typed, you are demanded to contact Mr. Malemi Omene.  He's no smarter than his desk either, but he's who this template said to have contacted on this.  If he doesn't know what to do, perhaps his desk, file cabinet, tree outhouse or the monkey throwing dung from it, will come up with something.

So you are advised to contact Mr. Malemi Omene through his email below address.
Contact Person: Mr. Malemi Omene
Email: malemiomene@gmail.com

We always ask you to provide this information, and you always ignore us.  Don't do it again or we'll get really mad and send an amorous psychotic emu after you.  There's no telling what one of those things will do.  Just count on it being nasty, like that Markle chick, the Duckless of Sucksex.  We read about her saying nasties on cnn, which makes her probably made-up, like their news.

1) Your full name (just yours please; we have plenty of faked names the DNC uses to vote)
2) Residential address:
3) Phone/fax numbers:
4) Profession (please no colorfully metaphoric professions)
5) Scan copy of id/age (that said 'scan', not scam...leave that to us)

I have the daily horror to be,
Mr. IbrahimMagui.
CHAIRMAN (EFCCB).

 

On this occasion, it appears that the scammer -- or his desk -- recognized the dead-end it hit, but couldn't simply let it go at that:

 

this not funny asshol  

 

 

I personally beg to differ.  I'm laughing.  My Amazon Alexis is laughing.  Siri is laughing.  The potted plant the NSA sent me is laughing.  Hell, even my pet rock is derisively snorting.  Locate your funny bone and hit it against something.  Hard.  

 

 

Dunno if he or the desk tried that, but there was nothing more from that "desk of".

 

They figgered it out:  dead-end.  Just like the DNC.