Yes, We Actually Had This Email Conversation

Any regular visitors to this blog have to find themselves wondering if these posted conversations really take place.

Probably not among people who have far better things to do and time to spend on better and finer things.

But me?  Eh...I have nothing and no one better on which to spend my time than this abject nonsense.

Which makes possible, in my pathetic world, these actual conversations.

Of course, it takes two to have such ridiculous conversations.  And I frequently find online email scammers just ridiculous enough to indulge myself with.

Even my pet rocks get lucky on occasion.

But this one belongs strictly to my character.  And here's how it began, with an alleged email from Access Bank PLC:


IMF REGULATORY OFFICE,(2020)
INTERNATIONAL FUNDS REGULATORY AUTHORITY.
FROM THE DESK OF: MR. MICHAEL ONEL, RESIDENT REPRESENTATIVE, IMF
OFFICE, NIGERIA.

ATM CARD PAYMENT DEPARTMENT.

  Dear Beneficiary,

This is to officially inform you that INTERNATIONAL FUNDS REGULATORY
AUTHORITY directed by the Presidential task force on contract /inheritance
fund payment reconciliation committee to send a bonus funds to all lucky
beneficiary whom have lost money in so many ways to regain their
lost.Following the approval and Remittance instruction received by the
various approval ministry, we the DIRECTOR, ATM PAYMENT DEPARTMENT also
received from the presidential task force (PTF) to credit your account by
ATM card without further delay.Your Inheritance/bonus Fund of ($10.6M USD)
will be program on ATM card.Please verify and reconfirm to UNITED BANK OF
AFRICA
in conjunction with ACCESS BANK OF NIGERIA your credentials,in order to
avoid remitting the fund to a wrong
channel.

The ATM card will be issued to you and it will be delivered to you via a
reputable Courier Service Delivery Agency as soon as we receive your recent
information stated below

1. Your direct cell, office tel /fax numbers:
2. Your location address:
3. Your full name:

Kindly get back to us as soon as you receive this email and we shall advice
you on what next to do to enable us proceed with the processing of your ATM
CARD with your information.

MR. MICHAEL ONEL
DIRECTOR - GENERAL  INTER-CONTINENTAL DEBT
RECONCILIATION DEPARTMENT OF
IMF REGULATORY OFFICE  


...and it all goes downhill from here:


Why are desks in Nigeria smarter than the persons that sit behind them?  


Sorry , seems you dont understand the procedure, we have offices that are responsible for ATM card funds, and access bank is.   the approved bank to issue ATM CARD FUNDS. send your detail to commence processing of your ATM CARD FUNDS as soon as soon as possible.

Thanks.  

 

 

Why is a desk sending this, and not the person that sits behind the desk?  Inquiring minds want to know.  

 

 

The desk himself is speaking,so comply with your details.

Thanks.  

Nothing like a piece of furniture that thinks it's a smart ass.  I don't conduct business with office furniture, especially when that furniture is smarter than the person sitting behind it.  


Is legit, a trial will convince you okay.  


A trial, eh?  Ya mean like a Law & Order trial?

I'll take Angie Harmon for a thousand, Alex.

No you are not understand this.  Forward your details to start processing your ATM card funds.  


I think I understand you're not going to try me with Angie.  F***.  So, am I forwarding my 'details' to a piece of office furniture or a person?  Believe it or not, it will make a difference in the outcome.  

You will forward your detail to here and it will be handle legit you have my word.


And what, pray tell, is your 'word'?  Or that of your 'desk'?  Do you both have the same 'word'?


Time is not on our side with this legit deal.  You must do as instruct soonest. 


As my attorney of note, Angie Baby told me not to violate my constitutional rights to self-gratification, though with her, I'd violate anything fun.  

You do not need attorney for this.  You need just do as we instructed okay.


Is this you speaking, or the desk?  I can see a piece of office furniture not being turned on by Angie Harmon, but unless you're gay or an octosexual orthopod, you simply could NOT but be swept away in the oceans of her eyes.  


What is wrong with things there?  This is legit deal I have here.


If Angie is any part of things here, absolutely NOTHING is wrong.  Even your desk should have a woody from this.

(and I included this picture in the reply)

WHAT???  ARE WE TO DO BUSINESS HERE OR NOT?  


Since neither you nor your desk look like Angie, I'm guessing the business at hand is probably not yours.  But y'all can come on back if you ever want to try again...'cuz I told you once you summa na bitch that she's the best that's ever been!
(..with a sorta apology to Charley Daniels)

That was good for one last pithy salvo:


Write no more here.


So I did:


No more here.  That was easy.  Your desk should have made this that easy to begin with.


So it was never clearly determined if I was being contacted by a person or piece of office furniture of this alleged bank in Nigeria.  But I did determine that Angie Harmon moves me far moreso than either person or desk in Scamland.