Opening Scam Letter Seminar 101

Yawp...the devil's always in the details.

I decided to let a scammer be the training aid for other scammers in a dumbed down sorta way, and I decided that Anna Clement -- scammer from the Benin Repugnant -- was the perfect choice to do the duties.

Let's start with her rather stellar opening gambit as my character received it:

Attention,

Your silence is some kind of shocking to this office, are you aware that we have completed the verification of your details for the claiming of this fund as the regulation requires? if we must proceed with your transaction then you must keep frequent reply; this is a Ministry and there are certain rules to be followed before the fund will not have any problem in reaching you and after our meeting today, it has been decided that you either claim the fund or as the fund owner order the termination of the fund and lose the fund to be ordered back to the Government Reserves Account as an unclaimed fund, I really wish you to claim this fund but not with the character you have showed which simply shows you are willing to let the fund go.  

 

"Your silence is some kind of shocking to this office".  LMAO.

 

Perhaps they'll find my breaking of that silence a tad moreso, along with their assorted peers and colleagues, as my character steals my pet rock's editing hat and has a go:

 

 

 Attention all you scammer *FAILS*:  here is how you write a *good* scam email opener:

On Monday, November 2, 2015 11:32 PM, Mrs. Anne Clement <castroarmentac@gmail.com> wrote:

  

 Attention,

Your silence is some kind of shocking to this office; we have offered you millions and a date with a yak that looks a lot like Taylor Swift*, and yet you STILL are not showing an awareness that we have completed the verification of your details for the claiming that a constipated mathematician that worked it out with a pencil was judged in error by Crummy Core math standards because he didn't subdivide the pencil five ways with alien script wearing a purple hat?  

If we are to proceed with this effort to give you the business on our parts of the first part using all the whereins and therebys that legalese requires, then you must keep frequent reply; this is a Ministry of baphomet dildos and there are certain rules to be followed before our great goat assed gawd Barack Insane Barry Soetero Obola will not have any problem in sinking a putt that he won't officially know about until the msnbc dude he's sleeping with tells him about it. 

After our meeting today, it has been decided that you either shit or wind your watch.  If you're not sure which option to take, we'll confusedly shit on your watch.  

Please note: this morning after our meeting you owe us $125 for the donuts and coffee we consumed while chasing each other around a large table wearing witch doctor outfits and booga looing our secret password that allows our baphomet dildo to anoint us with holy moley.  The Board now want you to send to us your scammed signature which will allow us to terminate our translator who obviously isn't doing something rightj if you don't meet up the requirement for the coffee and donuts duty fee which is $125.

I emailed you several times in assorted languages and you did not respond and I feel you are ready to lose it -- note that I said that you're ready to lose it while I'm talking about baphomet dildos -- because you have not as yet been affected by the fraud in Africa or the Demoncrap National Committee in DC, and this is plainly not acceptable to our goat's ass baphomet dildo deity.  I want you to know today that this is the chance we insist that you have to receive our only approved chance to scam your sorry ass.  I did mentioned to you that you were just unlucky to not as yet has lost the money you hasn't as yet losed because you are too damned smart assed to dealt with impostors and now we are think that we has a great chance which we demand that you try trusting our word....today our word is douchenozzled twatwaffle, which in Yoruba spells Hellary RodehardPutAwayWet Clinton.

Details of sending the coffee and donut fee of $125.00 are below and please send it as i directed you below without further mistaken mistaked mistake;

Receiver’s name: FRED ASOGWA

Location: Cotonou Benin Republic

Question: Why does "Noel" have a "L" in it?

Answer: Beat the billy bejiggers outta me

Amount: $125

Mtcn control number (don't be wisenhorsenassen:  there are 10 numbers and we wants all ten)…….

Sender’s name……..

Sender’s address………

Sender’s phone (you don't have to send your actual phone...a picture of it will work)………

Thank you for your lack of reading skills that keeps you from understanding while I am waiting for the payment details.

Yours most insincerely

Mrs. Anne Clement,

director baphomet dildo rebushing program

 Tel: +229 68376810  

* but only if you're wearing incredibly thick glasses and Taylor Swift evolves into Chewbacca...

All I got for my trouble was one past scammer demanding that I stop emailing him...the same scammer that told my character that my blasphemy toward his Nigerian Illuminincompoop baphomet would see me dead before the year was over.

 

At best, all his baphomet's managed to do is give me the kinda gas that makes some folks think something died inside me.

 

Including my pet rock....

Hacking Hellary Can't Recall

Anywhere you don't want to be...

 

Here we go again...another scammer left a comment on one of these h'yar blog posts, touting how he was in big financial trouble until he got hisself an ATM card that could hack into any ATM in the world for maximum daily withdrawals.

 

 

Yup.

 

 

Here's what his ploy looked like:

 

 

Anthony Steve has left a new comment on your post "A Scammer Ain't A Scammer If He Say So":

I am Mr Shown K William from Portugal, I want to share my testimony on how i got the blank ATM card. I was so wrecked that my company fired me simply because i did not obliged to their terms, so they hacked into my system and phone and makes it so difficult to get any other job, i did all i could but things kept getting worse by the day that i couldn't afford my 3 kids fees and pay light bills. I owe so many people trying to borrow money to survive because my old company couldn't allow me get another job and they did all they could to destroy my life just for declining to amongst their evil deeds. haven’t given up i kept searching for job online when i came across the testimony of a lady called Vanessa regarding how she got the blank ATM card. Due to my present state, i had to get in touch with Hacking organization and i was told the procedures and along with their terms which i agreed to abide and i was told that the Blank card will be deliver to me without any further delay and i hold on to their words and to my greatest surprise, i received an ATM card worth $4.5million Usd.

All Thanks to the{karl.atmhackingmeching43@gmail.com}.You can also contact him on his Tel: +2348168257144      

At least...that's what it LOOKED LIKE. 

 

 

Not no mores.

 

 

Here's how it went back to the scammer and an odious assortment of his colleagues:

 

 

Fallopian Tubes Don't Fix An Old TV

 

 

I am knowd as Mr Shown K William from Portugal, NY.  I want to share my testy monkey with anyone who calls themselves a simian whisperer.  I was so wrecked after a meth and Ripple party at my company "jihad like it's Iran" day and the bastards fired me because my decorative suicide vest actually blowd up (it was a simulated blowd up, but I think I used too much simulated gun powder and it was...well, it sucked).  Now my genitals are rain upon the plain in Spain simply because i did not obliged to their terms, so small carnivores are carrying away all my whackadoodle bits and pieces, and makes it so difficult to get any other job, i did all i could but things kept getting worse by the day that i couldn't take a leak or masturbate with my stuffed Galapagos dildo to pay light bills. I owe so many people trying to take leaks and masturbate for me because my old company posted my blowing off my genitals on YouBoob and that further doesn't allow me get another job as an underwear model for JC Penneys and they did all they could to destroy what my stupid simulated decoration didn't.  

 

I kept searching for job online when i came across the testimony of a lady called Hellary Rodehard PutawayWet Clinton regarding how she gets away with all kinds of crimes simply by saying "I can't recall" and cackling like a methed up duck.  

 

 

Due to my present state -- NY -- i had to get in touch with Demoncrap National Committee Hacking organization and they send me a picture of Debbil Washingmachine Putz and that did it...I was hacking like a projectile vomiter.  Honestly -- see what I just did there -- I'm not sure what I'm doing is the same as a scam out of Nigeria is trying to do with hacking, but WTF, I blowd my genitals all over Spain and all I have to live for now is Silly Putty replacement parts...and flatulence.  To my greatest surprise, i received an inflatable Hellary Rodehard PutawayWet Clinton "cackles like a methed up duck" doll that can't recall it needs to stay inflated while I read the instructions.  

 
All Thanks to the{karl.atmhackingmeching43@gmail.com

} a real demoncrap twatwaffle who is smuggling camels into the USA for Barack Insane Obola to do unspeakable things with.  You can also contact him on his Tel: +2348168257144   

 

 

I'm sure that I continue to wrack up *dagnabbits* with Hellary's Stupor Volunsteers...and now I can add some with obola mental midget supporters, too:





Scammers Now Watching Out For Falling Houses

Yoda's glad he died long before I received this scam.

Here we go with another spell caster testy-moneyal:

Greets from a happy heart,

   I am Mr. Lawson Wallet, I am from United States, I want to testify the goodness of to the world what Dr. Ubakassi done In my life and my family, I was having a lot of problems in my life December last year, I lost my job and my girlfriend Anita whom is now my lovely wife also left me for nor just cause my life was like living hell until a friend told me about Dr. Ubakassi who she said helped her when she was having similar situation, she advice me to contact him for help and i contacted Dr. Ubakassi on the 15th of December, I explained my situation to him and he told me the root of all my problems and thereafter Dr. Ubakassi perform a ritual and he told me that my story will turn around within 3 days and to my greatest surprise on the second day which was on Monday the 17th of December, i was called for a job and when i got to the office i was offered a job and that same day my girlfriend called me and she start crying and begging me to please forgive her that she don’t know what she was doing, the next morning she came to my house and knee before me still begging forgive her and she promise me that she will never do anything to hurt me again i accepted her back and we are now happly married, Since I knew Dr. Ubakassi my story has indeed turnaround of good and all thanks goes to Dr. Ubakassi who has make the difference in my entire life.

 My advice to people out there having similar situation or people in need of solution to  fundamental problems of life is that there are still real spiritualist in the word who can perform wonders and if you are in need of any spiritual help i will recommend Dr. Ubakassi because he has done it for me and I believe he will also do it for you if you consult he for solution, If you wish to contact Dr. Ubakassi kindly write he via his private email address: ubakassitempleofsolution@live.com and please tell him i recommend you.

Thanks for reading my testimony and I pray that God should use men such as Dr. Ubakassi to help others in need of spiritual solution to any problems.

Sincerely.

Lawson Wallet  

 

And THEN, testy-moneyal meets my edit:

 

Greets from a enlarged heart,

   I am Mr. Lawson Wallet, a pocket implement from United States, I want to testify about the time I was just walking along down a goat path in Nigeria, admiring the smell of cannibals eating missionaries, when *poof* in front of me there appeared a plunger lipped Yoda looking bastard witch doctor of dubious antecedence and no genitals, who identified itself as Dr. Ubakassi. 
 

Surprised, I responded "WTF and WTF did you come from?"  The first "WTF" was "What TF" and the second "WTF" was "Where TF", in case you're a democrat on commie core.

And before I could question if this tribal eunuch was the result of my having had something laced in my coffee, *poof*....he turned me into a pocket implement (wallet).

 

 

Since then I lost my job and my girlfriend Anita whom is now my lovely wife also left me for nor just cause my life was like living hell, thanks to this Obolascare tool Dr. Ubakassi who keeps trying to recreate a scene from the Wizard of Oz and keeps dropping outhouses on Hellary's crimepaign.

Since i accidentally contacted Dr. Ubakassi and was turned into a pocket implement, life sucks.  

 My advice to people out there is if you're walking along and minding your own business in Nigeria or anywhere, and this Yoda looking bastard suddenly appears before you, run him over with a yak or something.  And send his email address to The View: ubakassitempleofsolution@live.com and please tell them that this Yoda looking bastard is coming for their birth control.

Thanks for reading my testimony and I pray to a feather lined toilet seat named Odumassego that a yak stomps the shit out of men such as Dr. Ubakassi.  That would be a solution to any problems.

Pissed off because I'm a tri-fold,

Lawson Wallet  

 

While my pet rock is hiding behind sheets of tin foil -- he hopes that will deflect any spells cast my way -- the scammers are once again flummoxed into silence.

 

They don't want to wind up with a hellary outhouse falling on them, too.

 

 

Not So Long Ago...

around a planet in, sadly, our own galaxy probably not far enough away, comes a rumor that from one or more of the Earth's observatories, something perhaps alien has been spotted orbiting it.

Something technologically alien.

Hmmmm.

A post in an online article that initially reported this used a picture of the Death Star and an Empire star destroyer from Star Wars VI as the teaser for this announcement.

My pet rock, Seymour, had an interesting -- if irreverent -- take on this story, and cranked up his *edit* mode accordingly, most likely to the 'dislike' of the Demoncrap Nincompoop Committee, Debbil Washingmachine Snitz, chairpoison:

Something alienesque possibly spotted orbiting a distant star and ominously headed our way

Scientists – with again, unsettled science – recently identified an irregular mess orbiting a distant star that defies most natural and human explanations.

By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS

Nestled between the constellations of Cygnus and Dumbass sits what might be the strangest, most mysterious thing ever seed in our galaxy. No, it isn't the planet, nor is it the star, designated as KMA 8462852, which is not particularly unusual in and of itself. What's odd is what astronomers have spotted orbiting it: an irregular mess that appears unnatural, possibly even alien.

And claims to be running for president.

The irregular mess has been known for quite some time, but this is the first time that it's been detected by the Kepler Space Telescope. Which is understandable: cnn and pmsnbc have been evasively misreporting on it for years.

The irregular mess identified approaching from the direction of KMA 8462852, however, was unlike any discovered among the over 150,000 stars that have been analyzed by the Kepler Space Telescope. The irregular mess suggested that KMA 8462852 was surrounded by a whole jumble of politically toxic objects in extremely disfigured formation. Such a pattern might be expected from a millennial TV show of leftist antecedence, with young skulls of mush corrupted by marxist-leaning professors.

“We’d seen this before, but never so disheveled,” explained Abuda Abigliar, a postdouche at Yale. “It was really weird when first observed and has done nothing but get weirder.”

It should be reiterated that this mess is severely irregular to the conventional, logical and rational mind. But not to a leftist Occutard or freebie seeker. It's not something that should be tolerated naturally. And it's coming this way.

So what is it? Scientists have considered a number of scenarios, from cosmic painful rectal itch, to thing from a Bloom County anxiety closet, to common sense being overcome by leftist abject stupidity. But at this juncture the list of possible explanations has been narrowed to two. First, it's possible that the irregular mess could be a long lost TV signal that went deep into space, bounced off of something, and is reflecting back to Earth.

The second possibility that can't be ruled out is a wild one, but wholly expected by lamestream servile mediocres at substandard places like cnn and pmsnbc: there is no reasonable explanation for the irregular mess headed this way from KMA 8462852 at all. It's likely that it's alien, illegal, and is only fit to serve a prison term.

“When [I was shown] the data, I was fascinated by how f***ed up cnn and msnbc were to misrepresent this in reporting,” explained Mason Jarr, a political astronomer from Penn Straightjacket University, to WTFNS. “Criminally leftist aliens should always be the very last hypothesis you consider, but this looked like something you would expect a criminal leftist alien political party to try to foist on a civilized planet.”

The next observation isn't expected to happen until the next demoncrap talking points drivelfest, however. Depending on how much credulity can be suspended, follow-up research would occur in the ensuing months.

One thing is certain: truth IS out there. Just not forthcoming from this irregular mess headed our way from KMA 8462852. It could be the most exciting news to leftist pot heads in drum circles around Occutard EPA superfund sites in Kaliforlornia and NY; or just a very bad Halloween nightmare movie from Hollyweird.

We may find out soon enough.

My pet rock is still patiently waiting for his Pulitzer in editing; I still contend he has a better chance at garnering a Pull My Fanger, or a gesturic version from the Stupor Volunteers of the alien featured in this post.

"Will NOT!!!"


 

The Email Had Obolacare Apparently

Hellary busy crossing up herself.

Meantime, I had a scammer that crossed up hisself as well.

He's probably advising Hellary on how to lie about classified emails.

Here's the opening salvo from a scammer amusingly named "Bright Paul":


Hello sir
    I hope this mail gets to you in good health? To properly introduce my self I'm Bright paul a citizen of NIGERIA, I'm 24 years old. A student of Ambros Ali University (AAU). Studying engineering. I have being in school for two years now which makes me in 200 level(grand
two). I had know ideal life could be this difficult not until I lost my uncle who was mainly responsible for my education, takes good care of me right from my secondary school(high school) to my first year in the university. He died last year from a brief illness, ever since
then I have being hustling to survive.     To be honest with you I need help, for I can't continue with my education. I have tried several means to make money but the money I get from my hustling can't even pay quarter of my school fees or take less to feed. Nobody wants to help me for I'm frustrated and confuses so I decided to search for a helper in the internet.     I know it is hard believing my story or trust someone from the internet now this days but only God knows I need a helper. I'm ready to do anything you ask of me just to get back to school and be able to
pay my fees.

  PLEASE BE MY HELPER.  


Typical bunkum 'n bosh, but...note the added emphasis I added on his first sentence:  I hope this mail gets to you in good health?  

Perhaps he emailed me from a knowd diseased server, like Hellary's?

No matter.  Instead of an edit, I let my character's response tee off on his opening sentence:

Sir, I have the unpleasant duty to inform you that your email arrived here in critical condition, suffering a condition knowd in some dubious medical circles as hellarytextualdysfunctionolorsis.  Despite some of the most valiant efforts that were never attempted at revivial -- our first responder was wearing an empire stormtrooper helmet topped with a Donald Trump wig and a diaper to control his hairballs -- your email passed away enroute to the shredder.

 

 

May I offer my condolences?  I'd offer coffee and a donut, but (a) this is email and (b) I've already consumed them at the wake we held for your email.  A good time was had by all, as we all remembered and celebrated the life and accomplishments of your tragic email.  Alas, email, I knew you not at all.  And wouldn't have allowed you to marry my daughter's pet rock had I had the dubious pleasure.

A glitch in our otherwise efficient wills-edited-for-fun-and-syntax-error service failed to note you as the primary beneficerary in prostate court hereabouts.  Too bad so sad.

But you do get the bill for the final expenses:

Shredder:  $19.95 (it was one special this week with the purchase of a Salad Shooter)

 

Flowers:  $9.95 (the local grocery store's floral department was very unamused at our request; otherwise we'd have got them for half price)

 

Funeral orator:  $.01 (we found a bystander and offered them a penny for their thoughts; drunk and passed out on the bench, he didn't dicker with the offered price)

 

Musical accompanyist:  free (I knew that wind up monkey with the cymbals would come in handy one day if I kept it long enough)

 

Remains urn:  free (an empty Skoal can seemed fitting for this role...and after the shredder, the email was a perfect fit therein)

 

Final resting place:  undisclosed (we gave it to a trucker who was headed for an Arkansas bovine innards rendering facility and asked him to "pick any place that seemed to have equal ying yang and is also trying to be the Federal Witless Protection location favored by Hellary's email server contents)

 

Labor:  again, free (we have no friends currently going through that, though I once passed a kidney stone that was close enough to the experience)

 

This response:  $500 for fees and expenses related to the Prostate court filing, which can be sent via Eastern Onion to a ewe convent in upper NY state where a three peckered goat is undergoing the moral dilemma of our times.

Your total bill:  one symbol and five total figures taking into account decimal placement, decibel reduction restrictions, dealer prep and options and the results of commie core math by a millennial using an abacus with a lot of head scratching about where to put the waffles atop the purple hatted alien that just qualified in Califorlornia for food stamps, ate them and had to have a mathematician work out its constipation with a pencil.

Please, I pray you in future endeavors to only send to me healthy email.   

I'll let you know if this syntax genius knows how to read (no response forthcoming) or is as stupid as his opening sentence (he considers ANY response as positive).

UPDATE:  ..he apparently knows how to read...