Tuesday, October 6, 2015

The Email Had Obolacare Apparently

Hellary busy crossing up herself.

Meantime, I had a scammer that crossed up hisself as well.

He's probably advising Hellary on how to lie about classified emails.

Here's the opening salvo from a scammer amusingly named "Bright Paul":

Hello sir
    I hope this mail gets to you in good health? To properly introduce my self I'm Bright paul a citizen of NIGERIA, I'm 24 years old. A student of Ambros Ali University (AAU). Studying engineering. I have being in school for two years now which makes me in 200 level(grand
two). I had know ideal life could be this difficult not until I lost my uncle who was mainly responsible for my education, takes good care of me right from my secondary school(high school) to my first year in the university. He died last year from a brief illness, ever since
then I have being hustling to survive.     To be honest with you I need help, for I can't continue with my education. I have tried several means to make money but the money I get from my hustling can't even pay quarter of my school fees or take less to feed. Nobody wants to help me for I'm frustrated and confuses so I decided to search for a helper in the internet.     I know it is hard believing my story or trust someone from the internet now this days but only God knows I need a helper. I'm ready to do anything you ask of me just to get back to school and be able to
pay my fees.


Typical bunkum 'n bosh, but...note the added emphasis I added on his first sentence:  I hope this mail gets to you in good health?  

Perhaps he emailed me from a knowd diseased server, like Hellary's?

No matter.  Instead of an edit, I let my character's response tee off on his opening sentence:

Sir, I have the unpleasant duty to inform you that your email arrived here in critical condition, suffering a condition knowd in some dubious medical circles as hellarytextualdysfunctionolorsis.  Despite some of the most valiant efforts that were never attempted at revivial -- our first responder was wearing an empire stormtrooper helmet topped with a Donald Trump wig and a diaper to control his hairballs -- your email passed away enroute to the shredder.

May I offer my condolences?  I'd offer coffee and a donut, but (a) this is email and (b) I've already consumed them at the wake we held for your email.  A good time was had by all, as we all remembered and celebrated the life and accomplishments of your tragic email.  Alas, email, I knew you not at all.  And wouldn't have allowed you to marry my daughter's pet rock had I had the dubious pleasure.
A glitch in our otherwise efficient wills-edited-for-fun-and-syntax-error service failed to note you as the primary beneficerary in prostate court hereabouts.  Too bad so sad.
But you do get the bill for the final expenses:
Shredder:  $19.95 (it was one special this week with the purchase of a Salad Shooter)
Flowers:  $9.95 (the local grocery store's floral department was very unamused at our request; otherwise we'd have got them for half price)
Funeral orator:  $.01 (we found a bystander and offered them a penny for their thoughts; drunk and passed out on the bench, he didn't dicker with the offered price)
Musical accompanyist:  free (I knew that wind up monkey with the cymbals would come in handy one day if I kept it long enough)
Remains urn:  free (an empty Skoal can seemed fitting for this role...and after the shredder, the email was a perfect fit therein)
Final resting place:  undisclosed (we gave it to a trucker who was headed for an Arkansas bovine innards rendering facility and asked him to "pick any place that seemed to have equal ying yang and is also trying to be the Federal Witless Protection location favored by Hellary's email server contents)
Labor:  again, free (we have no friends currently going through that, though I once passed a kidney stone that was close enough to the experience)
This response:  $500 for fees and expenses related to the Prostate court filing, which can be sent via Eastern Onion to a ewe convent in upper NY state where a three peckered goat is undergoing the moral dilemma of our times.
Your total bill:  one symbol and five total figures taking into account decimal placement, decibel reduction restrictions, dealer prep and options and the results of commie core math by a millennial using an abacus with a lot of head scratching about where to put the waffles atop the purple hatted alien that just qualified in Califorlornia for food stamps, ate them and had to have a mathematician work out its constipation with a pencil.
Please, I pray you in future endeavors to only send to me healthy email.   

I'll let you know if this syntax genius knows how to read (no response forthcoming) or is as stupid as his opening sentence (he considers ANY response as positive).

UPDATE:  ..he apparently knows how to read...

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Blogger Sandee said...

Well, that two years at university paid off didn't it. Bwahahahahahahahaha.

Have a fabulous day Mike. My best to Seymour. ☺

06 October, 2015 09:44  

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