Military Scammers Got No Head For Tactics

Scammers keep trying to play that they're members of the US Military.

But when they write, they sound more like low information, dumbed down members of the Democrap National Committee.

Take this nincompoop for example:


I saw your email from searching Engine and i decided to contact you urgent for this great opportunity between me and you, permit me to introduce myself to you, I am a captain with the United Nations troop Kabul Afghanistan, on war against terrorism. Based on the United States legislative and executive decision for withdrawing troops from Afghanistan come next year, I have been deployed to come and work in your country on military base soonest. Our mission is to help beef up terrorist targeted states, mostly on the war against terrorism and i will need a house for myself & that is why I contacted you.

On the other hand I want to inform you that I have in my possession the sum of US$45.5Million US.D) Which I got from crude oil deal here in Afghanistan. I deposited this money with a Red Cross agent informing him that we are making contact for the real owner of the money. And It is under my power to approve whoever that comes forth for this consignment.

I want to invest the money in your state as soon as I am deployed into your state for a good business, anyway you will advise me on that since I am not a business person. So I need someone I could trust. If you accepted i will be smuggle to transfer the money to your country where you will be the beneficiary.

I am a uniformed person and I cannot be parading such an amount, so I need to present someone to stand as the recipient. I am an American and an intelligence officer and for that so I have a 100% authentic means of transferring the money through diplomatic courier service. I just need your acceptance and all is done.

Please if you are interested in this transaction I will give to you the complete details that you need for us to carry out this transaction successfully, i decided to find someone that is for real and not imaginary and that is why I went to a secured web site, where I can be sure that the person is real. I believe I can trust you. Where we are now we can only communicate through our military communication facilities which is secured so nobody can monitor our emails, then I can explain in details to you will only reach you through email, because our calls might be monitored but have to be sure whom I am dealing with.

If you are interested please send me your personal mobile number so I can call you for further Inquiry when I am out of our military network am writing from a fresh email account so if you are not interested do not reply to this email and please delete this message, if not response after 3days I will then search for someone else.

I wait for your contact details so we can go on. I will give to you 40% of the sum and 60% is for me. I hope I am been fair on this deal,

Get back to me with your full information send it to my email:  myprivatepatrick@gmail.com

YOUR FULL NAME:
YOUR FULL ADDRESS:
YOUR DIRECT TELEPHONE NUMBER:

Best Regards,

Capt. Patrick Williams
US ARMY
Kabul Afghanistan
Email:  myprivatepatrick@gmail.com  


I must admit, I do very much enjoy editing these kinds of emails.  Then again, it's like making a democrap sound like a democrap...aka, shooting fish in a bucket:

From: Capstan Patrick Williams< patrickwilliamsprivate@gmail.com>
Sent: Thursday, March 15, 2018 12:06 AM
To: Recipients
Subject: Your PRIMATE Letter

 

Dear Primate Email Owner,

I saw your email from searching Engine and i decided to contact you urgent for this great opportunity between me and you, permit me to introduce myself to you, I am a capstan with the 321st Infantry with an attached armored contingent from the 35th.  And I have a bank east of Nancy in Claremont with $45.5 million just waiting to be picked up.  Based on the United States legislative and executive decision for withdrawing troops from ETO to send them to PTO come next year -- and the Japs ain't got any stashes like this -- I have been deployed to come and work in your country on military base soonest. 

As you see how I write, you simply have to KNOW that I am in US Army of Military Farces of the United Nation with the rank of capstan with Our mission is to hold ourselves in reserve, in case the krauts launch a major offensive that threatens Paris, or maybe even New York, then we can move in and stop them.  Woof woof woof.  That's my other dog imitation.

And we have Crapgame, controlling logistics.  How can anything go wrong?

 that is why I contacted you.

I want to invest the money in your state in buying a ranch with 20 or 35 women, and just let it go...ahahahaha.  So soon as I am deployed into your state for a good time, call Candy at 303-582-5440.  anyway you will advise me on that since I am not a business person, I am a lean, mean trained fighting machine, trained in the ways and curds of primate combrat. So I need someone I could trust. If you accepted i will be smuggle to transfer the money to your country where you will be the beneficerary.

I am a uniformed person of dubious antecedence and recently had a grenade go off in my crotch so I cannot be parading around in such a condition as that, what with my junk strung out all over the parade ground.  So I need to present someone to stand as one hell of a groinological surgeon, who can put my Humper Dumpster back together again.  I have a date next liberty and I don't want to spend it fingering MY bung hole.

If you read into this properly, you can plainly see that I am an American and an intelligence officer and with me as an intelligence officer...we're really f**ked.  I just need your acceptance and alles kaput.

Please if you are for real and not imaginary, I need to hear from you.  If you are imaginary and not real, I need to know how the f**k it is that I am hearing from you.  And if you're not you, are you someone else, or something else, and Whiskey Tango Foxtrot are you doing in my email?  I believe I can trust you if you are real.  My certainty quotient begins to descend with the level of your imaginary status.  Where we are now we can only communicate through a fly-infested internet café in some Third World sh*thole which is unsecured so any f**king jackwagon can monitor our emails.  Once modalities are clearly established, then and only then can I begin to explain in details to you how my mother the car had sex with a yak, resulting in me and all that goes into such a clusterf**k.

If after you read this -- assuming you're able to read -- and you are interested, please grant me a few minutes to recover.  I told the internet café manager that no one was going to buy this sh*t.

 if not response after 3 days I will then have my eunuch commander declare war on you and anyone that looks like you.  Hoorah.

I wait for your contact details so we can go on. I will give to you 0% of the sum and 100% is for me. I hope I am been fair on this deal since I took crummy core meth at a democrap-controlled skool in Kaliforlornia.

Get back to me with your full information on my super secret, incredibly well-thought-out and disguised email address that protects me from detection by peoples that work to detect peoples like me that wish to avoid detection by peoples like those:  myprivatepatrick@gmail.com

YOUR FULL NAME:
YOUR FULL ADDRESS:
YOUR DIRECT TELEPHONE NUMBER:

Best Regards,

Capstan Patrick Williams
US ARMY NAVY AIR FARCE MARINES

..it's a great place to fart.
Abnormandy Frenchieville
Email:  myprivatepatrick@gmail.com  

 

 

The capstan didn't feel it necessary to respond to me after reading that.  His teachers in Kaliforlornia are still trying to understand it.

This FBI Gets Dumber

The scales of justice.

Don't look for 'em here ;-)

I always enjoy a good scam email.  That's because I really don't get that many that are 'good'. 

Like this one:


The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) Unit on Africa. case (filed IIA-8902-F2) regarding seized Funds of Foreign Individuals and Companies 2010-Date.

Attn: To Whom it May Concern!

Kindly Send your Response to michaelandersonusfbi399@gmail.com

 Cellphone Number +15177050424.

michaelanderson@fbi.gov

This email is reaching you from the office of Special Agent in Charge (Michael J Anderson) in Charge of Chicago Division field (CFO) USA.

This message is to inform you after 8 months of thorough investigations in Nigeria regarding seized funds of foreign Individuals and Companies. Your seized funds calculated at total US $8,000.000.00 ( Eight Million US Dollars) has been retrieved from the Federal Government of Nigeria.

Your funds is now in allocation Bank of Nigeria in Abuja the capital, and we are contacting you with this confidential information, to enable you quickly receive your funds with the assistance and presence of our Agents there in Nigeria.

We have been informed by securities that attempts have been made for you to receive your funds, but so far you failed due to reasons we are yet to identify or maybe you are currently dealing with the wrong officials. We are still here to ensure you and every other persons involved receives your funds this time.

We shall deal directly with the Bank in charge of your payment and you deal with us directly and whatever requirements needed, we will ask you to provide immediately to us, and you will receive direct instructions information on the necessary Bank procedures to follow from us and no one else please take note no one else!.

NOTE, PLEASE DO NOT PANIC, WE ARE HERE TO HELP AND GUIDE YOU TO RECEIVE YOUR MONEY.

Fill out your personal details on the below plain form.

PRINT OR TYPE IN SPECIFIED SPACES

PERSONAL INFORMATION'S

Complete Name:-------------Country Of Origin:----------------

Present Address:------------ Date Of Birth:-----------Sex:

Marital Status:--------Occupation:------------Tel/Mobile: -----------------

kindly attach a Valid I.D copy  (D/L / Int'l Passport) --------

The attached I.D badge is for Special Agent in charge, Michael J. Anderson.
Distributing or Editing is highly prohibited.
This I.D badge is attached for your view only (what comes as no surprise, he forgot it).

Signed By,
Special Agent in Charge,
Michael J. Anderson,
Criminal Investigations Division,
Crimes & Fraud Unit
CFO(Field office)
PRIVATE E-mail: michaelandersonusfbi399@gmail.com

Chicago, 20535
United States of America
michaelanderson@fbi.gov

This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they are addressed. If you have received this email in error please notify this office quickly. This message contains confidential information and is intended only for the individual named or addressed. If you are not the named/addressee you should not disseminate, distribute or copy this e-mail. Please notify this office immediately by e-mail if you have received this e-mail by mistake, delete from your system. If you are not the intended recipient you are notified that disclosing, copying, distributing or taking any action in reliance on the contents of this information is strictly prohibited. FBI.  


I could almost believe that this came from what's left of Obola's former FBI, what with how he fouled pretty much everything he touched with his six fingers (see his official portrait for that one).

Well, since my pet rock, Seymour, was on a bit of a hiatus from scam baiting ("am NOT!!!  PHFFFFFT!), I elected to take this one on by replying as the late actor who played an FBI inspector in the 1960s, from his current retirement address:

Complete Name: Efrem Zimbalist Jr   Country Of Origin:  USA

Present Address: 11 Interlaken Road  Lakeville CT 06057 Date Of Birth:  1918

Sex: not lately  Marital Status: widowed  Occupation: deceased  Tel/Mobile: 860-435-2591
kindly attach a Valid I.D copy  (D/L / Int'l Passport)

That would be where he's buried.

Before the very special agent Michael Anderson could reply to that, he received a bonus email that went this away h'yar:



The Federal Burrito of Ingestigation (FBI) Unit on Africa. case (filed OMG-8902-WTF-2018) regarding sneezed Funds of Foreign Individuals and Companies 2010-2020 when our funding runs out because Mueller is sucking all the fiscal air out of our budget.

Attn: To Whom it May or May Not Concern Within a Fortdecade!

Kindly Send your assorted and sordid incredulous responds to michaelandersonusfbi399@gmail.com

 Cellphone Number +15177050424.

michaelthetwatwaffleanderson@fbi.gov

This email is reaching you from the office of Special Agent in Charge of dead teletubby funeral arrangements and associated sh*t like that; I also scrub the toilets in the Chicago Division field orifice (CFO) USA.

This message is to inform you after 8 months of thoroughly wasted time and tax payer moneys,  investigations in Nigeria regarding sneezed funds of foreign Individuals and Companies have accomplished a grand sum total of jack sh*t.  To be fair, jill sh*t just about the same.

Your calculated sneezed funds were calculated on a broken but kinda still workable abacus excavated from within the ruins of Troy, which is calculated to bring at auction in Sotheby's something akin to Eight Million US Dollars.  What you have coming from the Federal Government of Nigeria is something a tad less, with the tad less being of noteworthy significance.

Your sneezed funds is now in allocation in what's left of the Bank of Nigeria in Abuja the capital, after a gibbon and baboon riot.  We are contacting you with this confidential information, to enable you to quickly receive the confidential information for nefarious purposes on our part, with the assistance and presence of our Agents there in Nigeria who survived the gibbon/baboon riot.

We have been informed by a psychic extra-large that attempts will be made in 2023 to interdict your sneezed funds, but so far you failed to realize it because -- and our psychic notes this -- you are not psychic.  It's not your fault; not everyone can be Ms Cleo.  Most rational people would never want to be but I digress.

We began this mission on your behalf because our US congressional contact, Nancy Bela Pelosi -- who had a bit part in Planet of the Apes (see below) -- told us that you had to let us pass this to you so that you could see what was in it.

Due to reasons we are yet to identify maybe you are currently dealing with the wrong officials. We are still here to ensure you and every other persons involved that you continue to do so.

NOTE, PLEASE DO NOT PANIC, THAT PICTURE IS NOT THE BOOGERWOMAN THAT'S GOING TO GET YOU IN A MOTEL 6 AT 0245 SOME MORNING.  SHE'S MORE ACTIVE AROUND 0400.


Fill out your personal details on the below plain form.


PRINT, TYPE OR SCROLL IN AZERBAIJANI IN SPECIFIED SPACES


PERSONAL INFORMATION'S


Complete Name:-------------Country Of Origin:----------------

Present Address:------------ Date Of Birth:-----------Sex:

Marital Status:--------Occupation:------------Tel/Mobile: -----------------

kindly attach a Valid I.D copy  (D/L / Int'l Passport) --------


The attached I.D badge is for Special Agent in charge, Michael J. Anderson.
Distributing or Editing is highly prohibited.
This I.D badge is attached for your view only.

 

Signed By,
Special Agent in Charge Of Toilet Scrubbing,
Michael J. Anderson,
What's Left Of Chicago Orifice
PRIVATE E-mail:    michaelandersonusfbi399@gmail.com
Chicago, 20535
United States of America

michaelanderson@fbi.gov

This email and any files transmitted with it are confidentially the work of a raccoon that learned to type and loves violating office plants and Lazy Boy furniture and intended solely for the baiting of democraps regardless of how addressed. If you have received this email in error please notify this office quickly; Horace the carrier pterodactyl with Jurassic Freight Service will be only too happy to notify us, provided you throw him a sheep when he takes delivery of your message. This message contains confidential information that everyone from the Chinese thru Wikileaks has had access to, and is intended only for individuals that can walk like an Egyptian and chew gum like a cow at the same time.  If you are not the named/addressee you shouldn't worry; go ahead and disseminate, distribute or copy this e-mail. Please notify this office immediately by e-mail if you have received this e-mail by mistake, and we'll change the addressing here so that you ARE the intended recipient.  If you are not the intended recipient you are notified that disclosing, copying, distributing or taking any action in reliance on the contents of this information won't make one f**king bit of difference to democraps, because they're criminal to the core of their souls anyway.  

---

My scammer is just another of those that read only what they want to read of any received replies, and thus we get to see what his scam target is:


ATTENTION: Efrem Zimbalist Jr. I Have received your email we write to inform you that due protocol has been put in place to see you get your fund as quick as possible.

However, we have our diplomats in Nigeria under vicarious liability and as a fact you will work in accordance with our laid down principle so everything can go as planned.

You are requested to procure a proof of ownership certificate worth $2550 Dollar. in order to facilitate the immediate conveyance and depict legitimacy, you can either send the fee to our syndicate in Nigeria or send it over here in the United States just as it may appeal convenient to you.

 Cellphone Number +15177050424.

I am waiting for your reply.

So he's after $2550, eh?


That's way too f**king pricey.  Ain't you got anything cheaper?  

Alas, I'll never know if he had a better deal.  The reply was one very tired *cricket*...

 

Overexposure

Remember the show Northern Exposure?  

What came as no surprise to me, a scammer did not.

Nor did he apparently gain much education therefrom.

Witness his original ploy:


Urgent Attention For Partnership,

My name is (DAVID RICHARDS) An International Lawyer from United Kingdom, A spokesman and a   close confidant to the Rockefeller family one of the richest families in the United States of   America. I have in my legal care the sum of $15,500,000.00 (Fifteen Million Five Hundred   United State Dollars) Only  belonging to Dr. Richard Rockefeller who died in a JET CRASH on the 13th day of JUNE 2014.   This money was deposited with a bank in (CHINA) for Hospital and Charity organization  establishment  in the name of Dr. Richard Rockefeller,  Dr. and I were the only witnesses to this deposited funds, The proposed project were designed  be to kicked off  by November 2017. According to fund deposit agreement which I made with the bank in (CHINA),  I BARRISTER DAVID RICHARDS should give the bank a Month notice  should they be any change in plan and that has been done before now.

Now that DR. RICHARD is dead,  I need you to partner with me and receive this money into your bank account  as the appointed beneficiary NEXT OF KIN to my late client DR. RICHARD ROCKEFELLER.   I will give you more details when I get your response of interest to my proposal.  


Uh huh.

This email was almost worthy of some of the more offbeat scripts that Northern Exposure was knowd for.

My character threw in a reference to Arkansas just on accounta cuz:


Subject: ATTENTION TWAT WAFFLE! 

Urgent Attention Required from Twat Waffles For Partnership.

My name is (DAVID RICHARDS) An International fuckstick from United Kingdumb, A spokestwirp and a  close cornfed runt to the Bushwhacker, Arkansas Rockneedfeller family, one of the piss poorest famdamilies ever to cross breed with tree stumps to create some of the most pathetic knothaids Arkansas ever seed.

 

Now I am stuck in my legal care with their en toto collection of stained ass animal genitals that they've collected over three generations of this perverse famdamily.  This collection belonged to the one and Only Dr. Richard Rockneedfeller who died when his tricycle was hit by a falling satellite during an especially peculiar episode of Northern Exposure. 

Janine Turner refused to attend the funeral or any future reunion shows.

This grotesque collection was deposited with a bank in (Rwanda) for Horsepital and Charley Horse organization  establishment  in the name of Dr. Richard Rockneedfeller.  The rotund Dr. and I were the only witnesses to the creation of these stained ass animal genitals, and I still projectile vomit sometimes when I think of it.  Like the octopussy:

 Now that DR. RICHARD has been daid longer than Northern Exposure, I need a partner to take these stained ass abominations off my hands forthwith, or any number faster.  I would be gratified if you would be that partner with me and receive this collection of depraved crapinzola into your possession soonest, if not soonerer, with you designated the appointed beneficiary NEXT OF KIN to my late client DR. RICHARD Rockneedfeller.

I will give you more salacious details when I get your response of interest to my proposal. In the
meantime, you can't read through the missing link below for information about Dr. Richard and the entire  Rockneedfeller famdamily hysterectomy, which came to late to stop a lot of them from cross breeding with tree stumps.  If you were able to read it, brillo pads wouldn't hep remove the visuals you'd suffer.

As soon as I receive your interest to assist on this, I will give you further misinfo and guide you on how to contact  the holding bank in Rwanda to let them move the disgusting collection into wherever you designate for the collection to get moved into.

 

A landfill would be a good start.  Below information is required for the transfer process under your name:

1 Your Full Names.......................................
2,Your telephone Number.................................
3,Profession............................................
4,Age...................................................
5,Sex...................................................
6,What did you last have sex with........................................

6a, Can I have what you last used when you're done widdit................................
7,House Address.........................................
8,Int,Passport OR work ID ..............................

Panty fouled Regards,
Bannister
David Richards.

davidrichards2019@gmail.com  

 

 

I think the good bannister will have a tougher time finding a partner in this endeavor.  Certainly he'll get no help from Janine Turner.

DNC & MS-13..An Unrequited Love

My pet rock, Seymour, loves to read.

Not sure what else a pet rock is going to do all day, anyway.

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

Okay, fart too.

At any rate, Seymour didn't miss how our current POTUS made reference to the blood-thirsty and wholly malignant, reprehensible gang known as MS-13, as "animals".

Not initially predictably, the equally reprehensible Left -- eager to align with anything anti-POTUS -- suddenly determined that MS-13 members "have a divine spark" and don't deserve to be denigrated by POTUS.

Seymour simply couldn't resist:


POTUS Calls “Divinely Sparked” MS-13 “Animals”, Sending The Left Into Self-Fouling Mode

By Seymour PetRock/WTFNS

May 2018

WASHINGTON — President Trump lashed out at a criminal illegal gang during a White House meeting on Wednesday, warning in front of news cameras that dangerous people were clamoring to breach the country’s borders and branding such people “animals.”

Meet the “animals”:

Mr. Trump’s taken-out-of-context-as-usual comments came during a round-table discussion with state and local leaders on the self-imploding Kaliforlornia’s so-called sanctuary laws, which strictly limit communication between local law enforcement and federal immigration officers, and which the Trump administration is suing to invalidate. It was hardly the first time the president has spoken in blunt terms about criminal gangs infiltrating the country -- like the Obola regime -- but it underscored his anger about unchecked support for criminal and terrorist infiltration and his frustration that he has been thwarted by the DNC and their impropaganda allies at cnn and ms13nbc, in doing more to fulfill a campaign promise.

As he has in numerous private meetings with his advisers at the White House, Mr. Trump used the session to vent about the nation’s immigration laws, calling them “the dumbest laws on immigration that Bela Pelosi could of passed to find out what was in them.” He exhorted his administration to “do much better” in keeping out undesirable people, including members of transnational gangs like MS-13.

“We have people coming into the country, or trying to come in — we’re stopping a lot of them,” Mr. Trump said in the Cabinet Room during an hour-long meeting that reporters were allowed to document. “You wouldn’t believe how bad these people are. These aren’t people, these are animals, and we’re taking them out of the country at a level and at a rate that’s never happened before.”

The president’s language and his focus on illegal criminal gangs and prospective future DNC voters drew a hysterical and over-the-top rebuke from all over the Left.

“Trump is lying on immigration, lying about crime and lying about the laws of Kaliforlornia,” lied the current failure of a governor of what's left of Kaliforlornia. “We, the citizens of the fastest-failing liberal state in the US are not colostomy bags...or are we?"

Reaction from the rest of the Left was predictable, sandpoundingly stupid and laugh-worthy.

“We are all MS-13” cried Michael Moore.

“Members of MS-13 have a divine spark and are human too” whined DNC apologist Nancy Pelosi, who called on President Donald Bush Jefferson to apologize and redistrict, leaving her staff in “WTF” mode.

“You talk about MS-13 when it's your denial of global warming that's going to cause Guam to tip over” sniveled Georgia dumbocrat Hank Johnson.

“MS-13 aren't animals like Hamas aren't animals” opined Dumbocrat Senator Chuck U Schumer. “They're just like me. In fact, I'd have them over for dinner if they could clear my armed security and walled, gated community security rules”.

“I know exactly how MS-13 feels, because POTUS doesn't like me, either” said Jim Acosta of CNN, with tears running down his face.

From aboard her broomstick on her ongoing “What Happened That's Obvious To Everyone But Me” tour, still crying about 2016, Hellary Clinton ventured that “if I had a legitimate daughter, I'd trust her to date an MS-13 member over anyone in the POTUS family...after a generous contribution to my Clinton Global Crimepaign coffers, of course”. Clinton appeared ready to continue, but fell while dismounting from her broom.

“Our efforts to destroy this constitutional representative republic are in danger of being undone by this POTUS”, complained serial meathead Rob Reiner.

Former POTUS and soon-to-be-indicted Barry Soetero Obola issued this statement “He (POTUS) is bweaking my wegacy”, causing MS13NBC's Tingles Matthews to projectile wet himself.

“I am ashamed of this POTUS” growled Alyssa Milano, who then tried to turn the POTUS into a hamster, only to have forgotten the proper spell casting sequence without the power of thwee, turning herself into a marmot.

“Matt Dayyyymon” was texted by what was left of the marionette by that name from the movie Team America World Police...we're just not sure what it meant.

Despite all the angst from the Left, special counsel to Fusion GPS and the failed Hellary crimepaign, Robert “The Mule”ller , notified the legal team of POTUS that he would soon subpoena a ham sandwich that he believed colluded with Gray Poupon to adversely affect the 1968 election, leaving everyone but Maxine Waters saying “WTF???” Waters responded “Impeach the SANDWICH!!!”, which she was able to do because for once, the cue card wasn't upside down.

One anonymous pundit was heard to opine “what's going on with the Left right now HAS TO BE part of a Blazing Saddles campfire scene...just HAS TO BE”.

Funny as he is, even Mel Brooks couldn't have dreamt this up.  


I dunno...Seymour might be edging ever closer to that Pulitzer he so desperately covets.

"Really???"

Er...naw.

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

Wulfgar Undt Schtuff

I'll probably never know just how much any given scammer knows about 'Merican movies.

And how often they play right into my use of them in scam baiting and editing.

Take this one..a German from Thailand in the latest installment of scam the fake character:


Miss. Susan Wolfgang.

Good Day,

My name is Susan Wolfgang. I am the only daughter/ child of late Mr.
Wolfgang from Germany who worked with embassy here in BANGKOK THAILAND
for so many years before he died in the year 2016 after a brief
illness. When my father was alive he deposited the sum of $3.8Million
(Three Million Eight hundred thousand U.S.A DOLLARS) with BANGKOK
THAILAND bank.

Presently, this money is still with the BANGKOK bank. But because of
my under age am unable to claim the fund from the bank.So I want an
organization or an individual in Germany that can help me receive my
father money from BANGKOK bank here THAILAND.

Right now am living under the care of THAILAND government because of
the service my father raided to them when he was alive. I don't want
them to know about this development until my fathers fund is move to
you. As soon as I receive your reply I shall inform the bank here in
THAILAND. that you are the beneficiary of the said fund you will need
to contact them for the releasing of the fund to you . I will also
instruct my fathers lawyer to issue you an authority letter that will
prove you are the present beneficiary of this fund.

Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein. If
you are interested I will like you to contact my Fathers Lawyer via
his email address as he is the one to guide for the claim of he fund (
infoxs5k@gmail.com ) Hoping to receive your reply.

Yours,
Miss. Susan Wolfgang.  


So believable.  *snort* 

Thus, time to make it a bit less so:

Wulfgar

Crap Day,

My name is Wulfgar. I am the only daughter/ child of late Mr.
Wulfgar from Germany who worked with terrorists in the movie

Nighthawks.

 

 

And, as luck and scripting had it, in that role he got offed by Sylvester Stallone's reluctant

character Deke Da Silva.

 

 

Funny how the whole time, he was talking and looking a whole lot like Rocky Balboa:

 

 

But in this case without Adrian, and instead with a skinny bionic

woman who was a third less cyber than the previous bionic

woman.

But I digress.

I am currently hooking in BANGKOK THAILAND for so many years.

Before Wulfgar  got hosed in the year 1981, he deposited the sum

of $3.8Million (Three Million Eight hundred thousand U.S.A DOLLARS)

with BANGKOK THAILAND bank.

Presently, this money is still with the BANGKOK bank. But because of
my under age -- I find the Fountain of Youth in servicing komodo

dragons here -- am unable to claim the fund from the bank.  The fact

that I might get arrested also may have sumpin to do widdis.

So I want an organization or an individual in Germany that can help me

receive my father money from BANGKOK bank here THAILAND.

If you're not kraut, mebbe you can fake the accent if I teach you a few

words?  Like hundsfott, ach tongue, mein gott, flieger schiesse and

awpeterstain.  And make sure to insert undt between them words

frequently, and no one in Germany will know the difference, because

they're being overrun with islamofascists who don't sprechen se

Deutsche worth a donkey shine. 

Right now am living under the care of THAILAND government because of
the files Wulfgar had on them when he was alive. I don't want
them to know about the fact that those files only contain what's

left of his brain when his crew threw his bones to the sharks.

The space shuttle ends where the subway begins, praise the

lawd there's a train leaving soon...from dusk until dawn they

has searched all day long, but there's too many clues in this

room.

As soon as I receive your reply -- coded in Azerbaijani script and

written in cursive since no 'Merican millennials can read that -- I shall

inform the bank here in THAILAND that you are a maker of sock

puppet democrap congressional candyasses that want to reclaim

the House in 2018 so Bela Pelosi can make even more rambling

and unintelligible statements that will have cnn wetting themselves

in ecstasy over. 

Please assure me that you will act according to the dictates of a

vegan douche canoe as I stated herein. If you are interested I will

suggest you seek therapy, but not until you contact my Fathers Lawyer via
his email address as he is the one to guide for the claim of he fund (
infoxs5k@gmail.com ) Hoping to receive your reply.

Yours,
Wulfgar Jr

---

Whoever was assigned handler of this particular scam -- Chelsea, perhaps -- they musta be sorta orta able to read, and realized what I dun to their scam, Ma.

Ms Wolfgang tried again elsewhere.  Perhaps the Kraut whore from Bangkok can score with someone in Pahrump...

Truth in Scammertising

You'll never get the truth from scammers.  That's why the DNC bought cnn and pmsnbc.  To keep the truth suppressed.

That aside, the scammers that like to use Nigeria as their base of operation are hard at it again, with another talking desk sending out this crap:


NIGERIA NATIONAL PETROLEUM COMPANY (NNPC)
FROM THE DESK OF Group Managing Director (NNPC)
NNPC Towers, Central Business District,
Herbert Macaulay Way,
P.M.B. 190, Garki, Abuja.
EMAIL:nnpc_n@yahoo.com
RE: CONTRACT NO: NNPC/PED/401/2017

Subject: LETTER OF INTENT (RE: CONTRACT NO: NNPC/PED/901/2017


Although this mail might come to you as a surprise, since it is from
someone you do not know or seen before, but base upon recommendation I
gathered about your person, I had to contact you for your assistance
to transfer fund into your account.

I am Group Managing Director of the Nigerian national petroleum
corporation (NNPC).
My office is also saddled with the responsibility of screening,
categorization and prioritization of projects embarked upon by NNPC
as well as feasibility studies for selected projects and supervising
the projects consultants involved. A breakdown of the fiscal expenditure
by this office as at the end of the fourth fiscal quarter of 2016
indicates that the NNPC paid out a whooping sum of US$936M
(Nine Hundred and Thirty Six Million, United States Dollars) to
successful contract beneficiaries.
The NNPC is now compiling beneficiaries to be paid at the last fiscal
quarter of 2017.

The crux of this letter is that the finance/contract department of the
NNPC deliberately over-inflated the contract value of the various
contracts awarded. In the course of disbursement, this My office has
been able to track down the sum of US$100M (One Hundred Million, U.S.
Dollars) as the over-invoiced sum.
This money is now lying and floating in the NNPC domiciliary account with the
Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN). My colleagues and I want to quickly
transfer this fund to a safe nominate foreign account for possible
i nvestment abroad; this is the reason why I contacted you.

We are not allowed as a matter of government policy to operate any
Foreign account because of our status as civil/public servants. Hence
the need to solicit for your full Banking details to enable us
Transfer this money into your account on Swift Code
.
We have also evolved a sharing formula as follows: -
(1) 30% for the foreign account owner (2) 60% for l and my colleagues
(3) 10% will be set aside to defray all incidental expenses both
locally and internationally during the course of this transaction.

Furthermore, we shall be coming over to your country when the money is
finally in your account and we shall be relying on your advice as
regards to investment of our share. Be informed that, this business is
genuine and 100% safe considering the high-powered government
officials involved.


Yada, yada, yada.


I have a thing about emails from talking desks.  So the scammer learns in this edit:

NIGERIAN NINCOMPOOP PATHETICS COLLECTION (NNPC)
FROM THE DESK OF A Nincompoop Who Has To Have His Desk Handle Email (NNPC)
NNPC Towers, Central Business District,
Herbert Macaulay Scams The Way,
P.M.B. 190, Garki, Abuja.
EMAIL:nnpc_n@yahoo.com
RE: CONTRACT NO: NNPC/PEDOPHILE/401/2017

Subject: LETTER OF INTENT (RE: CONTRACT NO: NNPC/PEDOPHILE/901/2017


This mail might come to you as a surprise, since it is from a piece of furniture

that's waaaay smarter than the butt-picking fart smeller that sits here.  But

here in Nigeria, with a population full of nincompoops, that's how we roll

here.  We're just like the American DNC. 

I am the desk that Group Manages a slovenly collection of abject nincompoops

that pretty much make up the Nigerian Nincompoop Pathetics Collection (NNPC).

I am also saddled with the responsibility of screening,
categorization and prioritization of projects embarked upon by NNPC
as well as feasibility studies for selected projects and supervising
the projects consultants involved.  I'm stuck with it because I, as an

inanimate piece of furniture, have five times the intellect of the moron

that sits here.

A breakdown of the fiscal expenditure
by this office as at the end of the fourth fiscal quarter of 2017
indicates that things here broke down because the NNPC is full

of abject, useless nincompoops.  Even the most basic of

accounting softwares available concluded that.  Shit, the

adding machine that sits on me knew that before any of the

butt pickers around here crawled out of their fly-infested wallows

to show up and expect someone to feed them.

The crux of this letter is that the furniture and equipment in this

dive of an office are all that keep this outfit operating.  The

nipple-headed twat waffles here can't write, add, speak or do

anything worthwhile.  So they sit around the one working

internet access computer, sending out poorly thought-out and

badly written scams.

And then make me send them.

Tell you how bad it is here:  there's a pile of monkey shit in

the chair the clown that usually sits here would occupy.  But

the monkey roughed him up, took a dump here, and left with

the mouse and the stapler.

So I'm left to contact you with this poorly crafted scam the

nincompoop was supposed to group-send this morning.

 This is the reason why I contacted you.

We -- as inanimate office furniture -- are not allowed as a matter

of government policy to operate any scams abroad without at

least one of the nincompoops here to "oversee" the operation.

But they're all out back, competing in a "how many flies occupy

the outdoor outhouse" contest.

Entertainment is a bit thin here at NNPC.

This scam was supposed to entice you with millions of dollars.

This office hasn't got five Nigerian shillings to its name.

But I'd hate to waste the bone-in-nose "sharing formula" that

one of the nincompoops thinks he created (it came with the

original scam template they kiped from a hacker web site): -

(1) 30% for the foreign account owner (2) 60% for l and my colleagues
(3) 10% will be set aside to defray all incidental expenses both
locally and internationally during the course of this transaction.

Are you up for 30% of five shillings?

It will only cost you a few hundred USD or Euros; pay that, and

this desk will know that you're as big a nincompoop as the idiots

that spend their day picking their asses and eating the findings.

Of course, this desk is required to add this: Be informed that, this business is
genuine and 100% safe considering the high-powered government
officials involved.

Bullshit; it's office furniture that's carrying this, since none of these

nincompoops are smart enough to know how to do an email.

Also, this desk shall require of you the following information  urgently
1. Name,
2. Telephone
3. Name and full address of the Company  If any.

This is to let these douche canoes think that I'm doing their job for

them.

Please reply immediately through my email address
nnpc_n@yahoo.com;  I want to see if you're dumber than a desk

and equally as stupid as the nincompoops here at NNPC.

Sincerely,
The desk of a group of abject morons that make up [NNPC]
(the one that sits here when monkeys aren't beating him up is named Maikanti Baru this week; it changes, scam to scam).
nnpc_n@yahoo.com

Of no surprise, no reply from this scammer.  Or his desk.  Truth in scammertising is not welcome in Nigeria.  Or the DNC.

Feline Friday Revisits How To Fool An Egyptian Cat God

One WOULD BE LEFT WORDLESS This Wednesday...

Psyches Are Losing It

It isn't just snowflake millennials that are having issues in the era of No Hellary.

So-called "leading psychiatrists" aren't doing so well, either.

A number of them met to declare to the world that the current POTUS is 'dangerous'.

Of course they think that...cnn and the dnc told them to.

Naturally, that amused my "editing gone wild" pet rock, Seymour.  And it caused him to get off his meds ("did NOT!!!") and pen an edit to what the psychobabblers had to drivel:

Top Psychiatrists Gather to Warn The Rest of the World that they 'Represent a Danger to Public Health'

By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS     

It wouldn't matter what President Donald Trump has called himself; a group of esteamed and sauteed mental health midgets apparently won't agree with him unless it's crazier than a sh*thouse wombat.

A group of psychiatrists and psychologists gathered Tuesday for a panel discussion titled “The Increasingly Dangerous Case of People Like Us Meeting,” and argued that, as a group, their “mental instability,” pattern of psychobabble rhetoric and multiple lies are “dangerous” — and have already caused unprecedented anxiety and stress across cnn, pmsnbc, at the dnc and on leftist college campuses.

One of the dipsticks, from Yale, CA, says she has even had primate meetings with concerned primates to talk about how bad it is when the people who hand out Prozac and Ritalin are allowed to meet in a group with their on-parade mental instability.

“It is our consensus view that we are, collectively a danger to the nation and the world,” Dr. Bandy Legs, an assistant lab rat herder at the Yale CA School of Malpractice, said during the discussion at the National Press Clods in Washington, D.C.

Legs and other panelists stressed that they are partisan Hellary voters, and feel a duty to tell the public that the 1812 Overture should never be played because it is code for Melania Trump to start remembering that she's Russian. 
 
For now, they refrain from providing any official diagnosis because they want to come up with new acronyms to explain themselves. Last October, Legs also published a book titled The Dangerous Case of Democrap Psychology: 27 Psychiatrists and Mental Health Midgets Assess a kumquat.

We “have repeatedly shown evidence of how dangerous we are” because of our ability to psychobabble and have fake news outlets like cnn eat the stuff up like candy,” Dr. 'Sit Right Back' Gilligan, professor of clinical psychiatry of shipwrecked TV actors that have their shows canceled, said Tuesday.

Psychiatrists encouragement of safe rooms, cupcakes and puppy videos, to calm 'triggered' college students, and charging $1,000 an hour for interviews with cnn and pmsnbc are some examples, he says.

“Our responsibility here as psychiatrists,” Gilligan says, “is to warn the public when we have reason to believe, based on our research with the most abject nincompoops in the dnc, that we are full of sh*t and we represent a clear and present danger to public health.”

The quacks point out that their increasing isolation since Hellary lost the election and can't settle on any one set of reasons for it, leaves the psychiatrists frighteningly alone with access to Prozac, Valium, frontal lobotomys and an overabundance of looped audio of Bela Pelosi and Maxipad Waters making some of the stupidest statements in human history, says psychologist Fed Upper, pHd., a professor of pubic health among orthopods at the University of Sweet Carolina at Twat Waffle Hill.

That unfettered ability to wage about things while sounding like Elmer Fudd is made all the more frightening when combined with millennials eating Tide Pods and snorting condoms that can indicate a disconnection from our reality, says Moochelle Pansey, a sock puppet psychologist from Shotcago.

“We have lost focus on preventing us from dropping our pants and firing a rocket into our female colleagues,” says Pansey, who says she swings five ways. “There is no limit to potential danger when we gather here like this and the servile nincompoops at cnn think our fecals don't stink. You are not nearly as afraid of us as you would have needed to be if Hellary had won.”

Patients of Betty Boop Twang, a drama therapist in Manhattan, suffer from anxiety, insomnia and other disorders related to her telling them that they suffer whatever I tell them they suffer from,” she says. Many patients either foul themselves repeatedly after talking to me, or when they get the bill, she says.

“Nationwide, mental health clinics and psychotherapists have seen a surge in patients because cnn and pmsnbc are so terribly deranged,” she says, “and the term ‘post obola stress disorder’ has been coined. Hellary's constant barrage of delusional excuses for why she lost exacerbates this stress.”

Legs says that she’s spoken to over a dozen abject buffoons at cnn and has no problem making them pee their pants over just about anything.

“They are worried because we TOLD THEM WE'RE A WORRY and that we don't accept checks, only cash, for payment,” she says. “Their concern is huge.”

Granted, I know that Seymour never intended to trigger anyone -- even the psychoceramics -- with this edit.

Then again, I never agreed not to: