This FBI Gets Dumber

The scales of justice.

Don't look for 'em here ;-)

I always enjoy a good scam email.  That's because I really don't get that many that are 'good'. 

Like this one:


The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) Unit on Africa. case (filed IIA-8902-F2) regarding seized Funds of Foreign Individuals and Companies 2010-Date.

Attn: To Whom it May Concern!

Kindly Send your Response to michaelandersonusfbi399@gmail.com

 Cellphone Number +15177050424.

michaelanderson@fbi.gov

This email is reaching you from the office of Special Agent in Charge (Michael J Anderson) in Charge of Chicago Division field (CFO) USA.

This message is to inform you after 8 months of thorough investigations in Nigeria regarding seized funds of foreign Individuals and Companies. Your seized funds calculated at total US $8,000.000.00 ( Eight Million US Dollars) has been retrieved from the Federal Government of Nigeria.

Your funds is now in allocation Bank of Nigeria in Abuja the capital, and we are contacting you with this confidential information, to enable you quickly receive your funds with the assistance and presence of our Agents there in Nigeria.

We have been informed by securities that attempts have been made for you to receive your funds, but so far you failed due to reasons we are yet to identify or maybe you are currently dealing with the wrong officials. We are still here to ensure you and every other persons involved receives your funds this time.

We shall deal directly with the Bank in charge of your payment and you deal with us directly and whatever requirements needed, we will ask you to provide immediately to us, and you will receive direct instructions information on the necessary Bank procedures to follow from us and no one else please take note no one else!.

NOTE, PLEASE DO NOT PANIC, WE ARE HERE TO HELP AND GUIDE YOU TO RECEIVE YOUR MONEY.

Fill out your personal details on the below plain form.

PRINT OR TYPE IN SPECIFIED SPACES

PERSONAL INFORMATION'S

Complete Name:-------------Country Of Origin:----------------

Present Address:------------ Date Of Birth:-----------Sex:

Marital Status:--------Occupation:------------Tel/Mobile: -----------------

kindly attach a Valid I.D copy  (D/L / Int'l Passport) --------

The attached I.D badge is for Special Agent in charge, Michael J. Anderson.
Distributing or Editing is highly prohibited.
This I.D badge is attached for your view only (what comes as no surprise, he forgot it).

Signed By,
Special Agent in Charge,
Michael J. Anderson,
Criminal Investigations Division,
Crimes & Fraud Unit
CFO(Field office)
PRIVATE E-mail: michaelandersonusfbi399@gmail.com

Chicago, 20535
United States of America
michaelanderson@fbi.gov

This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they are addressed. If you have received this email in error please notify this office quickly. This message contains confidential information and is intended only for the individual named or addressed. If you are not the named/addressee you should not disseminate, distribute or copy this e-mail. Please notify this office immediately by e-mail if you have received this e-mail by mistake, delete from your system. If you are not the intended recipient you are notified that disclosing, copying, distributing or taking any action in reliance on the contents of this information is strictly prohibited. FBI.  


I could almost believe that this came from what's left of Obola's former FBI, what with how he fouled pretty much everything he touched with his six fingers (see his official portrait for that one).

Well, since my pet rock, Seymour, was on a bit of a hiatus from scam baiting ("am NOT!!!  PHFFFFFT!), I elected to take this one on by replying as the late actor who played an FBI inspector in the 1960s, from his current retirement address:

Complete Name: Efrem Zimbalist Jr   Country Of Origin:  USA

Present Address: 11 Interlaken Road  Lakeville CT 06057 Date Of Birth:  1918

Sex: not lately  Marital Status: widowed  Occupation: deceased  Tel/Mobile: 860-435-2591
kindly attach a Valid I.D copy  (D/L / Int'l Passport)

That would be where he's buried.

Before the very special agent Michael Anderson could reply to that, he received a bonus email that went this away h'yar:



The Federal Burrito of Ingestigation (FBI) Unit on Africa. case (filed OMG-8902-WTF-2018) regarding sneezed Funds of Foreign Individuals and Companies 2010-2020 when our funding runs out because Mueller is sucking all the fiscal air out of our budget.

Attn: To Whom it May or May Not Concern Within a Fortdecade!

Kindly Send your assorted and sordid incredulous responds to michaelandersonusfbi399@gmail.com

 Cellphone Number +15177050424.

michaelthetwatwaffleanderson@fbi.gov

This email is reaching you from the office of Special Agent in Charge of dead teletubby funeral arrangements and associated sh*t like that; I also scrub the toilets in the Chicago Division field orifice (CFO) USA.

This message is to inform you after 8 months of thoroughly wasted time and tax payer moneys,  investigations in Nigeria regarding sneezed funds of foreign Individuals and Companies have accomplished a grand sum total of jack sh*t.  To be fair, jill sh*t just about the same.

Your calculated sneezed funds were calculated on a broken but kinda still workable abacus excavated from within the ruins of Troy, which is calculated to bring at auction in Sotheby's something akin to Eight Million US Dollars.  What you have coming from the Federal Government of Nigeria is something a tad less, with the tad less being of noteworthy significance.

Your sneezed funds is now in allocation in what's left of the Bank of Nigeria in Abuja the capital, after a gibbon and baboon riot.  We are contacting you with this confidential information, to enable you to quickly receive the confidential information for nefarious purposes on our part, with the assistance and presence of our Agents there in Nigeria who survived the gibbon/baboon riot.

We have been informed by a psychic extra-large that attempts will be made in 2023 to interdict your sneezed funds, but so far you failed to realize it because -- and our psychic notes this -- you are not psychic.  It's not your fault; not everyone can be Ms Cleo.  Most rational people would never want to be but I digress.

We began this mission on your behalf because our US congressional contact, Nancy Bela Pelosi -- who had a bit part in Planet of the Apes (see below) -- told us that you had to let us pass this to you so that you could see what was in it.

Due to reasons we are yet to identify maybe you are currently dealing with the wrong officials. We are still here to ensure you and every other persons involved that you continue to do so.

NOTE, PLEASE DO NOT PANIC, THAT PICTURE IS NOT THE BOOGERWOMAN THAT'S GOING TO GET YOU IN A MOTEL 6 AT 0245 SOME MORNING.  SHE'S MORE ACTIVE AROUND 0400.


Fill out your personal details on the below plain form.


PRINT, TYPE OR SCROLL IN AZERBAIJANI IN SPECIFIED SPACES


PERSONAL INFORMATION'S


Complete Name:-------------Country Of Origin:----------------

Present Address:------------ Date Of Birth:-----------Sex:

Marital Status:--------Occupation:------------Tel/Mobile: -----------------

kindly attach a Valid I.D copy  (D/L / Int'l Passport) --------


The attached I.D badge is for Special Agent in charge, Michael J. Anderson.
Distributing or Editing is highly prohibited.
This I.D badge is attached for your view only.

 

Signed By,
Special Agent in Charge Of Toilet Scrubbing,
Michael J. Anderson,
What's Left Of Chicago Orifice
PRIVATE E-mail:    michaelandersonusfbi399@gmail.com
Chicago, 20535
United States of America

michaelanderson@fbi.gov

This email and any files transmitted with it are confidentially the work of a raccoon that learned to type and loves violating office plants and Lazy Boy furniture and intended solely for the baiting of democraps regardless of how addressed. If you have received this email in error please notify this office quickly; Horace the carrier pterodactyl with Jurassic Freight Service will be only too happy to notify us, provided you throw him a sheep when he takes delivery of your message. This message contains confidential information that everyone from the Chinese thru Wikileaks has had access to, and is intended only for individuals that can walk like an Egyptian and chew gum like a cow at the same time.  If you are not the named/addressee you shouldn't worry; go ahead and disseminate, distribute or copy this e-mail. Please notify this office immediately by e-mail if you have received this e-mail by mistake, and we'll change the addressing here so that you ARE the intended recipient.  If you are not the intended recipient you are notified that disclosing, copying, distributing or taking any action in reliance on the contents of this information won't make one f**king bit of difference to democraps, because they're criminal to the core of their souls anyway.  

---

My scammer is just another of those that read only what they want to read of any received replies, and thus we get to see what his scam target is:


ATTENTION: Efrem Zimbalist Jr. I Have received your email we write to inform you that due protocol has been put in place to see you get your fund as quick as possible.

However, we have our diplomats in Nigeria under vicarious liability and as a fact you will work in accordance with our laid down principle so everything can go as planned.

You are requested to procure a proof of ownership certificate worth $2550 Dollar. in order to facilitate the immediate conveyance and depict legitimacy, you can either send the fee to our syndicate in Nigeria or send it over here in the United States just as it may appeal convenient to you.

 Cellphone Number +15177050424.

I am waiting for your reply.

So he's after $2550, eh?


That's way too f**king pricey.  Ain't you got anything cheaper?  

Alas, I'll never know if he had a better deal.  The reply was one very tired *cricket*...