Wordless Wednesday Reaches For The...

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Rambo XXXIV?

I doubt that there's enough bondo and botox left in Hollyweird to piece ol' Sly Stallone together to run that many sequels.

 

But this scammer, he don' know that.

 

Say hello to Dr. Joseph Oja:

 

 

From Hon. Dr. O. Joseph
Head, Banking Operations,
Societe Generale Bank Limited.


Good day,

Sequel to the secretive arrangement in regards to the shipment of your consignment, I wish to inform you that all necessary modalities have been completely concluded and have today left my country under high diplomatic immunity to London en-route to your Country by Express Cargo Flight.

Note carefully that the content of the crate is "MONEY" but I did not disclose it to the Courier Services as Money, rather I informed them that the crate contain Vital "DIPLOMATIC DOCUMENTS" belonging to my client (that's you).

Furthermore, the weight of the consignment is 220kg but I manage to pay 120kg, which cost US$75,600.00 but do not worry as I have concluded with them on this regard. All I need now is your maximum co-operation and assistance for a successful and hitch-free delivery to you.

Note that on no account should you disclose the content of the crate with the Diplomatic Courier Services for fear of betrayal. So do not allow them to know that the content is money.

In the meantime, contact the Diplomatic Courier Services on Tel/Fax: +447024045871 to know the actual situation with the consignment and also give them your address where the consignment will be delivered and then get back to me with your DIRECT MOBILE TELEPHONE NUMBER as soon as possible so that I can give you the shipment document.

Meanwhile, I will be coming over to your country immediately the consignment arrives in your Country for my 60% while you take 40% share. Congrats and remain blessed.

Best Regards,

Dr. O. Joseph  

 

 

He has no idea what happened to his email, Ma.  If he had paid attention that he'd sent it to my character, that would have been easier for him to grasp:

 

 

From: Dr. Joseph Oja <drjosephoja33@outlook.com>
Sent: Tuesday, January 23, 2018 1:51 PM
Subject: Sequel to Rambo XXXIV -- Lots of bondo and botox... 

From Hon. Dr. O. Joseph
Head, Banking Operations,
Societe Generale Bunk Limited.

Good day,

Sequel to Rambo XXXIV -- Lots of bondo and botox, I wish to inform you that all necessary modalities have been completely convoluted and have today left my country under a cloud of methanic rectal expellance, with high levels of diplomatic immunity to EPA and OSHA laws, en-route to your Country by Express Cargo Flight.

 Note carefully that the content of the crate is "MONKEY" but I did not disclose it to the Courier Services as Monkey, rather I informed them that the crate contain "DIPLOMATIC FLATULENCE" belonging to my client (which, at this point in the script, that's you...You don't have any lines, you just nod and look on blissfully, f**ktard).

 Furthermore, the weight of the consignment is equal to Rosie O'Donnell and Michael Moore combined -- 2200 kilo tons -- but I manage to pay for 120kg, leaving you quite a bill to pay here which by my broken abacus calculates out to about US$75,600.00 but do not worry as I have no problem spending your monkey.  I have no problem spanking your monkey, either.  All I need now is your maximum co-operation and assistance for a successful and hitch-free delivery to you.

Note that you still don't have any lines here...you just nod and keep your pie hole shut.  So do not allow them to know that the content is monkey.

 In the meantime, contact the Diplomatic Courier Services on Tel/Fax: +447024045871, ask them if they have Sir Walter Raleigh in a can, and if they do, tell them to let him out and hang up.  I promise you that it will annoy them no end.  Don't use the "I want to speak to Myra Manes" angle; they're not a funeral home and won't get it.
 

Meanwhile, I will be coming over to your country immediately for the purpose of finding and jack slapping you for what you just did to my email.  This ain't the email I sent you, f**ktard.  What is this Rambo stuff?  What did you do to my email and whyfor you do my email this way?  60% of this is not my email leaving the other 40% share lost and gone forever.  And who the f**k is Clementine?

 Best Regards,

Dr. O. Joseph

 

 

Dr. O truly did not understand what was dun to his email, Ma.  But he did have this to reply with:

 

go away  

 

 

Everybody does...which way YOU go?  

 

 

Apparently, the Doc goes the other way...

---

A Little Sumpin for Feline Friday

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Anuddah Contribution To Woidless Wednesday

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Scammer Meets Time Tunnel..and Wiley Coyote?

I've used the 60s TV show The Time Tunnel with scammers before.

Yet another scamming dolt kind of brought it on once more.

Here was his brief gambit:

 Dear Friend,

 I want to transfer US$10.5 Million to your bank account. The fund belong to our deceased customer who died with his entire family in Iraq War, leaving nobody for the claim and as such, I decided to contact you to enable us claim the fund. Your share is 40% while 60% for me. This transaction is 100% risky free.

Contact me for more details [ahmeadali428@gmail.com]

Thanks,

Mr.Ahmead Ali

Regionale de Solidarite( BRS),

ouagadougou Burkina Faso  

 

 

Don't see how the one relates to the other?  It didn't...but in the edit, it do:

 

From: Ahmead Ali <aliahmead@aol.com>
Sent: Tuesday, November 28, 2017 4:02 PM
Subject: Oh F***ing My 
 Wowser,

 
 I want to transfer US$10.5 Million to your bank account. No, I

don't have it on me.  But I have a plan.

The fund belong to our deceased customer who died with his entire

genealogical antecedence in a badly conducted time experiment

during filming for a remake of the 1960 series, The Time Tunnel.

Therein, after thoroughly researching his ancestral roots, he

meant to time warp them -- along with every last current member

of his current famdamily -- to a great pre/reunion at an upscale

restaurant in Brooklyn.

Instead, they all wound up in Syria during an air raid.  Wiped out

the lot of them.

And everyone else that looked like them. 

In case someone sitting across from you on the bus suddenly

vaporized a few days ago...that's why.  But not to worry if you

didn't.  At least for now.

I decided to contact you to first see if you weren't in any way

directly or indirectly connected to the now totally deceased

genealogical line.  Assuming you weren't, then we move to

the next phase of my diabolical plan:  to enable us claim the

fund I mentioned at the outset. Your share is not what mine

is, but it's a share.  It's not a fair share, but WTF...this is my

plan not yours.  If it was your plan, you could have set the

terms.  But it isn't and you can't.  PHFFFFT.

This transaction is 100% risky free, assuming no one else

tries that same Time Tunnel experiment that is remotely

related to you.

Contact me for more totally amazing and, quite frankly,

rather hard to fathom details [ahmeadali428@gmail.com]

Mr.Ahmead Ali

Regionale de Holy F**kstick (RHF),

ouagadougou Burkina Faso

 

The scammer had nothing further to say or add after this edit.  Perhaps that same time experiment got him too?

Not Ready

In this scam, someone obviously was not ready.

As it turned out, it was the scammer.

Here's how they began their ploy:


I am Mrs Hannah freeman, a US citizen, Am 35 years old. I am one of  those people that took part in receiving Inheritance funds and Lottery  funds from European banks even from many lottery organizers few years
ago and they refused to pay me, I had paid different fees while in the
United States trying to get my funds from those banks and lottery organizers but all to no avail. So I decided to travel to LONDON, UK with all my compensation documents, and I was directed by the IMF Director to contact the re-conciliator Barrister Tony Peters. who
is also an attorney, A London citizen and a member of the UNITED  NATIONS & IMF COMPENSATION AWARD COMMITTEE currently working with IMF  in the United Kingdom and I contacted him and he explained everything  to me. He said whoever is contacting us through emails are fake.   Barrister Tony Peters . personally directed me on how to claim my  Inheritance or Lottery payment.

Right now I have received my compensation funds of $9,500,000.00 (nine
million five hundred thousand dollars). Moreover, Barrister Tony Peters,
showed me the full information of those that are yet to  receive their Inheritance or Lottery payment and I saw your name as  one of the beneficiaries, and your email address, that is why I
decided to email you to stop dealing with those people, they are not  with your fund, they are only making money out of you.

I will personally advise you to contact Barrister Tony Peters, he  will assist you as he is a very religious man with the fear of God.

Compensation Award Office.
Name: Barrister Tony Peters.
Email: barrister barristertpeters@gmail.com  


A typical jack wagon loaded with hooey.

And, in essence, my character told the scammer so:


And just what would YOU know about the truth of anything?  


However, and just as in so many scams, the scammer doesn't read the reply; he/she judges THE reply to be an act of acceptance by their intended victim, and proceeds on that theory:


How are you doing today, i hope all is well with you and your family,
i want you to know that you are suppose to receive your funds worth
$9,500,000.00 (nine million five hundred thousand dollars).

Note: you have to pay for $120 for the Affidavit Certificate of your
funds so that we can be able to start process you to receive your
funds within 24 hours of payment.

I will advise you to go ahead and make the payment $120 today via
western union or money gram so that we can start processing for you to
receive your funds, below is our financial secretary information to
receive the payment.


Receiver Name: Tony Peter

Location: Lagos Nigeria

Test Question: Who is great?

Test Answer: God


Senders Name: ?????????????

Senders Location: ???????????

Amount: $120


Once you make the payment i promise that i will make sure you receive
your entire funds, do go ahead and make the payment, it is for your
own good.  


Only $120, eh?  Observe as my character makes that the central theme:


So you claim I have a fund in Nigeria worth $9.5 million, and all it will cost me is wiring you $120?  


$120usd no more fee .  


Just $120 and no more fee?   


No more fee, just $120usd that's all  


Wow.  So just $120 and no more fee.  Amazing.  You're absolutely sure about this being the one and only fee of $120, right?  


no one or any other office will ask you of any money jack .  


That's fantastic. So only you will ask for $120 and absolutely no one else, right?   


The $120 is for the Affidavit Certificate of your funds so that we can be able to start process  


So there is an Affidavit Certificate required that costs $120 once and only once, right?  


Yes Jack you are right.   


How do you do all this for only $120?  You don't have middlemen?  Everyone has middlemen.  Middlemen add costs associated with every scheme.  Did you execute your middlemen to make this offer so inexpensive?  Do tell!  


Apparently a handler for the fly infested internet café finally got around to reading our to 'n fro, and decided that his charge was going to be getting no where with "Jack":


I know you are not ready so bye .  


And that's where Keye Luke from Gremlins came in handy:


Perhaps, one day, you may be ready.  Sell.  


I don't reckon he saw what I just did there.  Keye Luke would have.


Kinda like fishing:  once you've got a sucker on the line, just wear 'em down...

A Breathtaking Wordless Wednesday contribution

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Yeah I Know What Day It Is

But this edit is more fun than Valentine's Day, and on accounta who it's purported to be from.

I mean, how many of YOU get an email from the current US Attorney General?

Neither did my character...but he's supposed to think he did.

Read it and see how convincingly writ it is:


Department of Justice
Office of the Attorney General441 4th Street NW,
Suite 1145S,
Washington, DC 20001.

Attention Beneficiary

 We received  urgent  letter  from the Federal Bureau of Investigation
(FBI) here in the United States  over allegations of money laundering
activities with United Nation (UN) and  Nigeria bank officials to
which there is over whelming evidence of your involvement,base on  the
report we got from Nigeria information Minister Mr Lai Mohammed and
(Nigeria Financial Intelligence Unit NFIU) in charge of financial
matters in Nigeria.In view of the indicting report submitted to
Federal Bureau of Investigation ( FBI) by the  Mrs Vera Uzo the
director of (Nigeria Financial Intelligence Unit) Who took over of
financial matter in Nigeria after  Mr IBRAHIM LAMORDE the formal EFCC
chairman  was fired from office with some  bank official by Nigeria
Government.

Mrs Vera Uzo of ( NFIU)  complain that some individual are using
different names through  different ministries to forge Government
Certificate with beneficiaries within the past government in other to
get their fund claim from Nigeria government which has not been
possible,However, Nigeria  government has to stop all foreign payment
from 2010 till MAY 2017 before payment review order was release by
their President Mr Mohammed Buhari  for the continuation of over due
payment.

Mrs Vera Uzo of Nigeria Financial Intelligence Unit (NFIU),  also
complain before (FBI) that you did not obtain their  Government
(Presidential Authorization Payment Certificate )( PAPC)( from their
government office for the clearance of your fund rather you involve
your self with fake lawyers and bank directors to forge government
documents without recourse to the rules of law..

We are giving you notice of service of writ of summons after seven
days of receiving this letter by mail. Note, base on your response to
this complain you Will be given direct contact information from on how
you will contact Mrs. Vera Uzo the director of Nigeria Financial
Intelligence Unit commission chairman.

Justice delayed is justice denied.

Yours faithfully,
US Attorney General Jeff Sessions  

Yup...me neither.

But that's okay...if this were actually FROM the real AG, he would believe as much of this edit as my character bought his email:

From: US Atturkey Genital Geoff Sneeizures <mrdavidgamba7@gmail.com>
Sent: Monday, January 8, 2018 10:10 AM
Subject: Department of Justice Office of the Atturkey Genital  

 Department of Justice

Office of the Atturkey Genital

441 4th Street NW,
Suite 1145S,
Washington, DC 20001.

Attention

We received  a letter of dubious antecedence from the Federal Burrito of Investigation
(FBI) here in the United States  portion of Washington DC over allegations of money laundering
activities with United Nation (UN) and  Nigeria bank officials to which there is over whelming

evidence of Hellary's involvement in the spin cycle along with that of cnn, msnbc, the DNC,

Loretta Lynchmob, BLM and other related bowel movements, Hollyweird and the bent ear

buffoon, Stephen Colbert.

 

But that's not why I'm writing.

 

Further, our investigation of the infamous dossier of even more dubious antecedence

strongly suggests that Robert Mueller has been photogiraffed with Bela Pelosi and an

inflatable Debbie Wasserman-Medusa sex toy outside a Georgetown Motel 6 at 0245

on November 9 of 2016, offering to do unspeakable things to a tour group from

Liechtenstein.

 

But that's not why I'm writing.

 

Further, the report we got from Nigeria information Minister Mr Lai Mohammed and
(Nigeria Financial Intelligence Unit NFIU) in charge of financial matters in Nigeria

indicates that the abacus used by the NFIU has been violated by a yak that shoulda

took that left toin at Albuquerque, creating an accounting nightmare that Liam

Neeson can't commute his way out of, regardless of the box office.

But that's not why I'm writing.

Of note, the report submitted to Federal Burrito of Investigation ( FBI) by Mrs Vera Uzo

born again virgin-debunked director of (Nigeria Financial Intelligence Unit) who took over

molesting Meryl Strep on behalf of Harvey Weinstein in all financial matter in Nigeria after

 Mr IBRAHIM LAMORDE the formal EFCC chairman  was fired from office with some  bank

official by Nigeria Government for allowing themselves to be groped by the ex-Senator

Al Franken.

 

Nawp...that's still not why I'm writing.

Mrs Vera Uzo of ( NFIU)  complain that some individual are using
different names through  different ministries to forge Government
Certificate with beneficiaries within the past government in other to
get their fund claim from Nigeria government which has not been
possible.  However, Nigeria  government learn that it has been some
crybaby from cnn who has been fouling his knickers ever since
the American POTUS called him and his nitwit network "fake news".

And it's proven true.

No, the reason that I am contacting you today is because I, the
atturkey genital, wet my bed and since that untoward occurrence I cannot get Stephen Colbert, Orpah Belfry and Amy Supersized
Schumer out of it, non sequitur as that sounds.

 We are giving you notice of service of writ of summons after seven
days of receiving this letter by mail. Note, base on your response to
this peculiarity you will be given direct contact information from on how
you will contact Mrs. Vera Uzo for the porpoise of explaining a fish called

Wanda and why it looks so very much like Bernie Sanders and a meth-crazed

sharpai named Booger.

 Justice delayed is justice that's going to try to claim to be reconstituted

virginal.

Yours faithfully,
US Atturkey Genital Geoff Sneeizures

and soon to appear in the upcoming mockumentary

"Chappaqua's on Fahr and A Lot Of Reasons Hellary Won't

Let You Throw A Bucket of Water At It"

What comes as no surprise after such an edit on Valentine's Day, I heard nothing further from the atturkey genital.

But my pet rock is certain that he's seed the bent eared bugger and cnn's crybaby lurking in the parking lot...

Scam Proofers Meet Their Syntax

Think this feller had a proofreader afore this book was published?

I think not.

Well, one of my characters got a scam from an alleged professional proofreading/editing soivice, one that claims it would save my character from coming out widda book like this h'yar depicted.

For a fee, of course.  OF COURSE. 

Pay da fee...and that's all you'll see...of them.

Here's their pitch:


PEARL EDITING

 http://pearlediting.org/index.html

Dear Colleague,

Proofreading is a vital aspect of publication. It has been proven that
many articles are rejected because of poor grammar and editing errors.
Therefore, we advise that you send your article(s), essays, book
chapters, dissertation or thesis to us for proper editing. Kindly send
your manuscript as an e-mail attachment to submit@pearlediting.org or
pearleditingsubmit@gmail.com providing the following information:

1. Job Title

2. The journal you intend to publish your work with

3. Subject Area

4. Desired Turnaround Speed (Express, Standard or Regular)

Upon receipt of the manuscript, an acknowledgment letter which
includes the manuscript number and quote for the proofreading fee will
be sent to the author(s).

Our Pricing:

 *Prices are charged on a flat rate basis*

 *Turnaround Time*

 *Editing Fee *

 Express (Within 48 Hours)

 $200.00

 Standard(Within 5 Working Days)

 $100.00

 Regular(Within 10 Working Days)

 $75.00

After each manuscript has been edited, two copies of the manuscript
will be returned to you, one showing the tracked changes made to the
manuscript and the other showing the final version.

Our services include the following:

· Proofreading (including essays, research articles, dissertation and
thesis)

· Editing

· Plagiarism checks and re-writes

· Translation (documents translated into English from Spanish,
Japanese, Simplified Chinese, Portuguese, etc.)

· Formatting (figures, tables and references)

For more information, visit our website:http://pearlediting.org/index.html <[http://www.scriptreader.ga%0d]http://www.scriptreader.ga%0d>

Kind regards
Dr Mary Sheildred Duterte Angeles
Chief Editor

Uh huh.  They even gots a sorta convincing website. 

Sorta.

Well, my character thunk that mebbe they'd be looking for freelance hep, what with the holidays acomin'.  Soooo, let's give 'em a sample of my character's editing and proofing skills:

From: submit@pearlediting.org< submit@pearlediting.org>
Sent: Saturday, October 21, 2017 12:06 AM
To: whackinggreatpile99@hotmail.com
Subject:Submit Manuscript for Professional Proofreading and Masturbational Editing

 

 PEARL EDITING (not as easy as it sounds so we'll try another pitch)

Dear Collie or other breed,

Proofreading is a vital ass speck of pubication. It has been proven that
many articles of clothing get left in funny places after drunken partieson Saturday night.  Comatose persons photographed in ostrich genitalsoutside a Motel 6 with an inflatable Hellary sex toy are rejected because

of having poor grammar and grampars and other extortion quality photos.

Therefore, we advise that you send your reprehensible photos, inflatable

genitals, article(s) of clothing only sold in truck stop book stores, essays,

hookers and dissertation or thesis on the how who and why Annie was

hit in the fannie with a flounder, to us for racy, improper editing. Kindly send
your man/woman/gender neutral script as an e-mail attachment to

submit@pearlediting.org or
pearleditingsubmit@gmail.com providing the following information:

1.  Slob Title

2. The journalist you intend to extort your work with

3. Subject Area

4. Desired Turnaround Speed (Express, Standard, Regular, Irregular, or Something Metamucil)

Upon receipt of the man/woman/gender neutral script , an acknowledgment letter which
includes lots of smart ass comments not excluding "OMG" and "WTF", a

man/woman/gender neutral script number and goat in place of a proofreading fee will
be sent to the author(s).

Our Pricing:

 *Goats are rated on a flat rate:  the flatter the goat, ettu the fee*

 *Turnaround Time in Azerbaijani*

 *Editing Fee In Weimar Republic marks*

 Express (Within 48 Hours)

 200 twats waffling

 Standard(Within 5 Working Days)

 100 geese a laying run over ducks

 Regular(Within 10 Working Days)

 75 maids a milking candied yaks

After each man/woman/gender neutral script has been

done like this h'yar, two copies of the man/woman/gender

neutral script will be returned to you with manatee pecker

tracks showing the pentagram of two buzzards colliding in

midair over Newark.  

The other won't show that in the final version.

Our services include the following:

· distilling camel piss for the holidays

· Editing gopher love letters from Caddy Shack

· Plagiarism checks and re-writes to make sure there is some.

· Translation (documents translated into Azerbaijani from

original recordings of pterodactyls farting, etc.)

· Floormatting (in case this gig tanks)

For more information, visit a website that gives a fuck.

What kind of regards depends on what you write back,

Dr Mary Sheildred Duterte Angeles Dilapidated Twat

Chief Madam of Fast Eddies Eggrolls and Oriental Wax Jobs
--
If you do not want to receive any more newsletters, grow a crotch moustache and don't answer personal ads on Craigslist

To update your preferences and to unsubscribe, visit a three peckered goat loose in a ewe convent

Forward a Message to Someone that knows a constipated mathematician that needs a pencil to work it out with.

---

My character is a bit surprised to not have as yet had a job offer from these fellers.

My pet rock, Seymour, isn't.

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

Contributed to Feline Friday

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Another Scam Pastor To Pasture

Fake pastors are ever' where.  Especially online.

2018 sees no change in that.

Like this one:

GREETINGS IN THE NAME OF THE LORD ALMIGHTY AND OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST
THE GIVER OF EVERY GOOD THING.

GRACE TO YOU AND PEACE FROM GOD OUR FATHER AND THE LORD JESUS CHRIST.

FIRST LET ME START BY INTRODUCING MYSELF. I AM (REV. NICHOLAS AKUNNE).
THE PUBLISHER OF THE CHURCH OF JESUS IN HIS MIGHTINESS GLOBAL
MINISTRY. WE WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT WE HAVE THE CALLING FROM THE LORD
TO HELP THOSE WHO ARE IN NEED AND IN FINANCIAL PROBLEM, BY GIVEN OUT
LOAN TO ANY, INDIVIDUAL, COMPANY'S AND SOCIETY THAT NEED MONEY TO DO
BUSINESS.

THE AMOUNT OF THE LOAN HAS BEEN SIGNED AND APPROVED BY THE CHURCH
COMMITTEE THE SUM OF US$20,000.00 (TWENTY THOUSAND U.S DOLLARS). WHICH
YOU HAVE THE PRIVILEGE TO LOAN. BUT YOU ARE TO RETURN THE LOAN WHICH
IS GRANTED TO YOU IN (ONE). YEARS AGREEMENT. INTEREST RATE: IN THE
LOAN WE OFFER IS 1% INTEREST RATE.

WE ARE GIVING A MAXIMUM DURATION OF (ONE) YEARS TO THE LOAN SEEKER SO
THAT HE /SHE WILL BE ABLE TO REPAY THE LOAN WITHIN THAT PERIOD. I
DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH, BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW TONIGHT
THAT GOD FAVOR HAVE LOCATED YOU!


THE LORD HEAR YOU IN THE DAY OF TROUBLE" THE NAME OF THE GOD OF JACOB
DEFEND THEE SEND THEE HELP FROM THE SANCTUARY; AND STRENGTHEN THEE OUT
OF ZION.I SAY MORE HELP IS COMING; MORE HELP IS COMING YOUR WAY SOONER
THAT YOU EXPECT. I MEAN DIVINE HELP. HEAVEN IS ABOUT TO RESPOND TO
YOUR CALL.

(1). IT DOES NOT MATTER THE COMPLEXITY OF THAT PROBLEM.
(2). IT DOES NOT MATTER THE MULTIPLICITY OF THE ISSUES TROUBLING YOU.
(3). IT DOES NOT MATTER THE INTENSITY OF THE PRESSURE AND TENSION IN YOUR LIFE.

MAY THE GRACE OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST, THE LOVE OF GOD, AND THE
FELLOWSHIP OF THE HOLY SPIRIT BE WITH YOU AND THE REST OF YOUR FAMILY.

IF YOU ARE INTERESTED KINDLY GET BACK TO US ASAP THROUGH OUR PRIVATE
EMAIL ADDRESS: rev.nicholasakunne@gmail.com

MAY THE GRACE OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST, THE LOVE OF GOD, AND THE
FELLOWSHIP OF THE HOLY SPIRIT BE WITH YOU AND THE REST OF YOUR FAMILY.

STAY BLESSED.

REV. NICHOLAS AKUNNE  

Wahl bless 'is heart...he wants to loan me money.  *BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*

Let's see how he copes with a wee bit of edit:

GREETINGS IN THE NAME OF A COKE BOTTLE FROM HAROLD, WHO BE THY NAME,
THE GIVER OF EVERY INFECTIOUS THING.

 GOOD GOLLY MISS MOLLY GRACE TO YOU AND PIECE FROM 1-900-V-PUSSY-HO

FROM OUR LOCAL BROTHEL.

FIRST LET ME START BY INTROGOOSING MYSELF BECAUSE IT FEEL SO GOOD, IT COULDN'T

BE REAL....WHOOOOOOOOOOOO... I AM (REV. NICHOLAS AKUNNE).
THE PUBLISHER OF THE CHURCH OF THE IMMATULATE COSMIC HORK

IN HIS MIGHTINESS GLOBULAR MINISTRY. WE WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT WE HAVE THE

CALLING FROM A YAK HERD IN SIBERIA TO HELP THOSE WHO ARE IN NEED OF THE GNARLIEST

HAIRBALLS ON THE PLANET SINCE THE ABSENCE OF THE WOOLY BULLY MADE IT SO.

 FROM THE GOLDEN COW UDDER OF HER MAGISTRATE THE LORDESS OF THE BUFFALO

WINGS, WE ARE GIVING A MAXIMUM DURATION OF ONE YEAR TO THOSE OF FALLEN

ARCHES TO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH, BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW

TONIGHT THAT A GOAT BAPHOMET IN THE HOUSE OF NIGERIAN ILLUMINATI HAS

MASTURBATED WITH A PELICAN AND HAVE FOUND FAVOR WITH ANY ANAL BOIL

THAT LOOKS REMOTELY LIKE YOU! 

 THIS FALSE DEITY HEAR YOU IN THE DAY OF TROUBLE" THE NAME OF THE COKE

BOTTLE OF JOHN JACOB DINGLEPHUCKER SMITH TO DEFEND AGAINST THEE SEND

THEE HELP FROM AN OUTHOUSE SANCTUARY; AND PURGE THEE WITH A FIRE HOSE

I SAY MORE HELP IS COMING; STILL MORE HELP IS BREATHING HARD YOUR WAY SOONER
THAT YOU EXPECT. 

A TRIBE OF NIGERIAN GOSSAMER CHIA PETS WILL ANSWER YOUR CALL.

(1). IT DOES NOT MATTER THE COMPLEXITY OF THAT PROBLEM.
(2). IT DOES NOT MATTER THE MULTIPLICITY OF THE ISSUES TROUBLING YOU.
(3). IT DOES NOT MATTER THE INTENSITY OF THE PRESSURE AND TENSION IN YOUR LIFE.

ALL THAT MATTERS IS SEX AND FOOTBALL.

IF YOU ARE INTERESTED KINDLY GET BACK TO US ASAP THROUGH OUR PRIMATE
EMAIL ADDRESS: rev.nicholasakunne@gmail.com

WITH LUCK, OUR PRIMATE WON'T DESTROY THE CPU BEFORE WE GET TO SEE

THE MESSAGE.

 STAY BLESSED WHEN YOU SNEEZE, CUZ WE GOTS NOTHING ELSE TO OFFER HERE.

REV. NICHOLAS AKUNNE  

 

 

Ol' Rev, he decides fer hisself that he doesn't like what I dun to his song, Ma:

 

 

Greetings in the name of the lord almighty and our lord Jesus Christ.

What do you mean by scammers i am a Rev. and i can never use the name
of Lord in Vain if you don't need the loan kindly say so.

I acknowledge the receipt of your email and the contents were fully understood.  

 

 

Apparently not on the latter...but you can try, try, try again.  Perhaps you can up your offer.  Yes, that might be worth a percent to see you do that.  *Jeopardy Theme whilst you're upping it*  

 

 

go away  

 

 

Awwwww, wassamatta Rev?  Hit you between your goat head baphomet did I?  

 

 

He didn't have a prayer of putting my character on or pulling this off.  He can always try for a cable channel...

 

Star Wars 19???

Relax...it may not be as bad as all that.

You'd of thought someone said "Trump!" to her or something.

Only in Scamland is there a rumor of a Star Wars XIX. 

A rumor my character put there after receiving this email from the Supreme Court of the Federal Republic of Nigeria:


Supreme Court of Nigeria
Three-Arms Zone
P.M.B. 308. Garki Abuja
 E-mail: chiefjusticeofnig@legislator.com
websites:http://supremecourt.gov.ng/


Dear: Unpaid Beneficiary,

This is to inform you that in the course of my investigation as director of payment verification / implementation committee I came across your name as unpaid fund beneficiary in the record of the central bank of Nigeria and other banks that are suppose to get your funds released to you. My committee was set up by the payment reconciliation committee to verify and scrutinize all outstanding debts owed to our foreign beneficiaries in accordance to the information received from the United States government and other countries over unpaid huge debts owed to Foreigners.

Having seen your file and my further questioning to the officials of the central of Nigeria bank and ministry of finance as to why your payment is still pending reveals the rot and corruption in the system. The bank officials told me that the reason why you haven't received your payment is due to your inability to pay for the required charges for transfer of funds to your account. When I asked them why they didn't deduct the said charges from your principal sum, I was given the flimsy excuse that you never authorized them to do so. When I put the question across to them if they ever advised you that such charges could be deducted from your principal fund,the answer I got was no. Now, if you do not tell this beneficiary that such charges could be deducted from his or her principal fund, how will he or she know that such options are available for such beneficiaries.

From my investigation I discovered that these bank officials deliberately refused to let the charges be deducted from your principal fund because they want your fund to remain trapped in the bank, while they continue to extort money from beneficiaries under some flimsy excuse. You do not need to pay any money to any official, all you are required to do is swear to an affidavit at the federal high court of Nigeria, authorizing the bank to deduct all charges from your principal fund and transfer the balance of funds after deduction to your bank account. If you have spent any money in the past in your quest for payment, kindly let me know so that I can follow this up. You can reach me on my phone or email for directive on how you can get the deduction done as soon as possible and get your payment also.


In case you doubt or want to ascertain whom I am, you can log into any of the following websites:http://supremecourt.gov.ng/

Yours sincerely,

Walter S. Nkanu Onnoghen.
 E-mail: chiefjusticeofnig@legislator.com
websites:http://supremecourt.gov.ng/
ATTORNEY GENERAL FEDERAL
REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA.  


In the course of the edit, some twisted individual of dubious thinkingcedence made a lame suggestion about...well, read it yourself:

 

From: Supreme Court of Nigeria <barrister_dandy@yahoo.com>
Sent: Sunday, December 24, 2017 3:27 PM
Subject: FROM THE ATTURKEY GENITAL FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA

Supreme Court of Nigeria
Three-Arms One-Leg Zone
P.M.B. 308. Garki Abuja
 E-mail: chiefjusticeofnig@legislator.com

Dear: Unwashed Benephiserary,

This is to inform you that in the course of my investigation as director of the upcoming movie Star Warts XIX -- The Phantom Cowtickler Has Gas And Isn't Afraid To Use it -- slated for release in theatres in the sprung of 2020, I came across your name as an unauditioned wannabe in this movie. 

 WTbloodyF???  My casting call had already closed to verify and scrutinize all possible acting nincompoops this movie project would need, and here you come along.

 Having seen your portfolioid of pictures you somehow got of me leaving a Motel 6 in Newark with an inflatable Nancy Bela Pelosi sex toy at 3am -- that Al Franken bought from me for a burrito supreme -- and my further questioning to the other actors/actresses/gender neutralities there amongst, reveals the rot and corruption in the Hollywad system. The Beverly Hillbillies officials told me that the reason why you haven't received your invite to audition is due to your inability to do a sex scene with Debbie Wasserman-Medusa for the required cosmic mayhem scene just before the Death Star XI charges in to blow the living flying fish f**k out of Darfur, Aleppo, Deadtroit, or somewhere desolate that George Clooney will get on a jackwagon about for a few sound bytes because he doesn't like Trump and is still bent because Team America hosed his marionette. 

 

When I asked them why they didn't go ahead and audition you, they handed me a collection of your worst audition videos from Survivor, The Voice, American YouDull and a couple other shows that pretty much showed all, including your genital warts that I could have done without seeing.  I was given the flimsy excuse that you never authorized them to leave out your Dancing With The Stars audition of doing the mambo with an inflated version of Kim Kardashian's butt.  When I put the question across to them if they ever advised you that you could have been charged for the casualties that routine inflicted -- when the inflated Kardashian butt catastrophically deflated, wiping out the band and half the judges along with several dozens of audiences dismembered -- the answer I got was no, that the FBI and Robert Mueller were covering up for you because you had photos of them doing unspeakables with an inflatable Hellary, too.

 

Now, if you do not recall any of this happenings, we might have a part where you play a Hellary Clintonesque Evil Empire figure, demanding to know why she's not up 50% in the ratings or some such.  You also get to smash lamps and fall down a lot.

 From my investigation I discovered that no one outside of Nigeria wants this movie made under some flimsy excuse. You do not need to worry about what anyone says about you at pmsnbc or cnn, because their audience of a dozen are all fondling their goat parts and are not paying attention.  All you are required to do is swear to an affidavit at the federal high court of Nigeria that you did not actually refuse to do that sex scene with Wasserman-Medusa, since we're going to insert Jar Jar Binks into that slot anyway.

 

If you have spent any money in the past in your quest for getting the DNC to stay away from your hamsters, kindly let me know so that I can follow this up.

 

You can reach me on my phone or email for directive on how we can get your audition scheduled.

In case you doubt or want to ascertain whom I am, you can log into any of the following websites: http://Star Warts XIX -- The Phantom Cowtickler Has Gas And Isn't Afraid To Use it/gov.ng/

 Yours sincerely,

Walter S. Nkanu Onnoghen.
 E-mail: chiefjusticeofnig@legislator.com
websites: http://Star Warts XIX -- The Phantom Cowtickler Has Gas And Isn't Afraid To Use it /gov.ng/
FROM THE ATTURKEY GENITAL FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA 

 

 

This drew no response from the Nigerian Supreme Court.  It was rumored to have triggered George Lucas to seek therapy for that court.

 

 

One can understand why...