Luggage Ain't All That Gets Lost At Airports

Yep...luggage ain't all that gets lost and/or misplaced at airports.

Get a load of what this scammer says is lost in THIS airport:


I am Charles Williams  Head of Inspection Unit United Nations Inspection
Agency in Harts-field-Jackson International Airport Atlanta, Georgia.
During our investigation, I discovered An abandoned shipment through a
Diplomat from United Kingdom which was transferred from JF Kennedy
Airport to our facility here in Atlanta, and when scanned it revealed an
undisclosed sum of money in 2 Metal Trunk Boxes weighing approximately
65kg each.

The consignment was abandoned because the Content was not properly
declared by the consignee as money rather it was declared as personal
effect/classified document to either avoid diversion by the Shipping
Agent or confiscation by the relevant authorities. The diplomat's
inability to pay for Non Inspection fees among other things are the
reason why the consignment is delayed and abandoned.

By my assessment, each of the boxes contains about $4M or more. They are 
still left in the airport storage facility till today. The Consignments
like I said are two  metal trunk boxes weighing about 65kg each
(Internal dimension:  W61 x H156 x D73 (cm) effective capacity: 680 L)
Approximately. The details of the consignment including your name and
email on the official document from United Nations' office in London
where the shipment was tagged as personal effects/classified document is
still available with us. As it stands now, you have to reconfirm your
full name, Phone Number, full address so I  can cross-check and see if
it corresponds with the one on the official documents.  


My pet rock, Seymour, suggested that I dress this scam response up a bit:


I am Charles Williams  Head of Inspection Unit United Nations Inspection Agency in Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport Atlanta, Georgia.  Yes, we've managed to wangle our way here.

Why, you'll soon wonder.

During our investigation, I discovered An abandoned ship through a  Diplomat from United Kingdom which was transferred from JF Kennedy Airport to our facility here in Atlanta, and when scanned it revealed

that it wasn't a replica of the Andrea Doria, which are supposed to be capsized and sunk off the North American coast since 1956.  It was the actual Andrea Doria itself.

How am you supposing, that a sunken ocean liner -- now lining a portion of the bottom of the sea -- is suddenly replicated at a land-locked airport in Georgia.

The more I look, the more confounding sh*t I am find here in the warehouse storage facility at Hartsfield-Jackson IA.  We find:

- the Ark of the Covenant

 

- the Ark of Noah

- the Colossus of Rhodes

 

- the royal bedpan used by King James II

 

 

- Troy -- the one in Homer's The Odyssey -- with Helen still there, trying to ride The Wooden Horse

 

- picture postcards of Atlantis, circa 15,000 BC

- a database of all the age old questions of antiquity, including who hit Annie in the fannie with a flounder,

ensconced on a crashed Commodedoor 64 inoperating system

- all of the lost writings of Sebastian Q. Lipshitz...and a quick understanding of why they need to stay lost

- Judge Crater

- the original book 'What Really Happened' by Sir Edmund Hillary, whom Hellary tried to claim to be named after, and plagiarized his book for her 2017-2018 Excuses-For-Having-Lost-2016 tour

 

- a dossier compiled by Nostradamus that Adam Schiff insists proves Russian collusion with Trump in 2016.

- a psychiatric certification that proves Schiff is a blithering idiot, that he hoped wouldn't be found

And absolutely NONE of these consignments was properly declared by the consignee for many reasons, as one might gather after a careless perusal of the list, so that they all sit in our warehouse, awaiting someone to come along and wonder why anyone would want some of this sh*t.

Whose got room for the Colossus of Rhodes???

By my assessment, each of the items named above -- and there are others -- are  still left in the airport storage facility.   As it stands now, none of these things are going anywhere anytime soon, but if you are interested, I get a commission on every last thing taking up space in there, so I need your soonest cooperation on getting me that commission.

In return, you get pieces of history...way too big for most living rooms.

Like I didn't say, all of these things have collected here over the years when the US Government ran out of room at Hanger 51 -- which we wouldn't know about except for a slip-up by Indiana Jones -- I am ready to assist you in any way I can for you to get possession of some or all of this stuff that would make Fred Sanford's mouth water.

 I need all the guarantee that I can get from  you before I can get involved in this project.

Mr.Charles Williams
INSPECTION OFFICER
E-mail: charleswilliamses@gmail.com  

 

 

What came as no surprise, I heard nothing further from the scammer after sending this back to him.

 

A few deranged, glue-sniffing lefties claim Hellary didn't lie about her name, but eh...they still think Bela Pelosi is playing with a full deck.

 

 

Oprah 'n the Manatees

Alleged celebrities should really discourage scammers from using their names.

Even sorta kinda.

Take this email scam my character got recently:


I Am Ms.Jane Oparah, an Accountant with the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (N.N.P.C.). I Headed A Seven-Man Tenders Board In Charge Of Contract Awards And Payment Approvals. I Came To Know Of You In My Search For A Reliable And Reputable Person To Handle A Very confidential Transaction Which Involves The Transfer Of A Huge Sum Of Money To A Foreign Account. There Were Series Of Contracts Executed By A Consortium Of Mufti-Nationals In The Oil Industry In Favour Of N.N.P.C. The Original Value Of This Contracts Were Deliberately Over-Invoiced To The Sum Of USD$32,000,000.00 (Thirty Two Million United States Dollars)this Amount Has Been Approved And Is Now Ready To Be Transferred, Being That The Companies That Actually Executed These Contracts Have Been Fully Paid And The Projects Officially Commissioned.

Consequently,I who are privy to this Excess funds are soliciting for your assistance to get this funds transferred abroad into a foreign account For Subsequent Disbursement, Since we as Civil Servants Are Prohibited By The Code Of Conduct Bureau (Civil Service Law) From Operating And/or-opening Foreign Accounts In Our Names. Needless To Say, The Trust Reposed On You At This Juncture Is Enormous.

In Return, I Have Agreed To Offer You 35% Of The Transferred Sum,and 60% will be for me, While 5% Shall Be Set Aside For Incidental Expenses (Internal And External) Between Parties In The Course Of The Transaction.

You Will Be Mandated To Remit The Balance To Other Accounts In Due Course. Modalities Have Been Worked Out At The Highest Level and The Fund is Deposited in Union Bank Of Nigeria (U.B.N) For The Immediate Transfer Of The Funds Within 14 Working Days Subject To Your Satisfaction Of The Above Stated Terms and condition. Our Assurance Is That Your Role Is Risk Free.

To Accord This Transaction The Legality It Deserves And For Mutual Security Of The Funds The Whole Approval Procedures Will Be Officially And Legally Processed With Your Name Or The Name Of Any Company You May Nominate As The Benefice Beneficiary.

Once More, I Want You To Understand That Having Put In Over Ten Years In The Civil Service Of My Country, I Am Averse To Having My Image And Career Dented. This Matter Should Therefore Be Treated With The Utmost Secrecy And Urgency It Deserves. Kindly Expedite Action As We Are Behind Schedule To Enable Us Include This Transfer In This Batch Which Would Constitute The First Quarter Payments For The 2018 Financial Year.  


My pet rock, Seymour, saw the edit possumbilities instanters.

"Did NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"


So he says NOW...but a short time ago, my pet rock penned this edit of the above scam email:

From: MS. OPARAH WINDFRIED< sydneyemeka@yahoo.com>
Sent: Thursday, February 22, 2018 10:55 PM
Subject: Dang, a run in my crotch

 

I Am Ms. Oparah Windfried, an oversized diet expert and talk show dumbinary who considered running for president before discovering what I thought was a stretch mark was actually a run in my crotch.

Hate when that happens.

On behalf of the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (N.N.P.C.). I gave head to a Seven-Man Tenders Board In Charge Of a local fly-infested internet café outside of Lagos. I Came To Know Of You In My Search For an unReliable And disReputable Person To have on my show Which Involves The illegal and illicit world trade and Transfer Of A Huge number of sexually abused hamsters. During our research for this show, it was also learned that a new global trade in dumping t-shirts from failed political crimepaigns on manatees for ESPN commercials was engineered by the Clinton Crimedation, In Favour Of N.N.P.C. in exchange for extortion-level donations to the Clinton Globull Crimedation.

All the while, Hellary can't figure out how she lost being 50 points up, while gnawing on a Tide pod to prove she's one with the millennials.

Consequently, I who are wedged in a privy because some yutz let the toilet seat up and I didn't notice, are soliciting for your assistance to get my wedged ass out of here, Since public privies in Shotcago tend to go uncleaned for months at a time because of some peculiar clause in the Federal Endangered Feces Act, taken up as a cause by dumbed down activists in the Occupy something-anything movement.  Needless To Say, The eating of those Tide pods by millennials has taken a toll on critical thinking that is proving almost as Enormous as Hellary's ass.

In Return, I Have Agreed To Offer You 35% Of The Vaseline required to lube my ass out of here.

 You Will Be species/gender-neutraldated To Remit an essay explaining how everything bad in the world is the fault of Donald Trump going back 10,000 years, in 50 words or less.  I'd make it longer, but those Tide pods affect clarity of mind and articulating written words too.  Modalities Have Been Worked Out At The Highest Level on an abacus used by a yak as a sex toy in Kirovsk in 2014 and Deposited in the WTF Museum of Sexual Artiphucks, located in the basement of the DNC and guarded by a video of Nancy Bela Pelosi making some of the dumbest comments since Hank Johnson had Guam tipping over.  My Assurance Is That Your Role Is Risky in the extreme, 'cuz if this misfires, I will simply out you to the lamestream servile mediocres and use you to cover up democrap corruption in the news cycle.

 I'm the Oparah, and can do that.

Once More, I Want You To Understand That Having gotten wedged in the public privy in Shotcago, I Am Averse To Having My Image And Career Dented with pictures of this coming out in the Weekly World News. This Matter Should Therefore Be Treated With The Utmost Secrecy And Urgency It Deserves. Kindly Expedite Action As I Are Behind Schedule because I'm stuck here and can't afford to do a remote from here ("and now, back to Oparah, wedged in a Shotcago privy"...) so as to Enable me to do a show at some point about people who get runs in their crotches.

Yours Sincerely,
Ms. Oparah Windfried  

 

 

When Seymour came up with that "run in the crotch" line, I do believe even he actually winced...

"Did N..er..so..ewwwww".

Star Wars 19???

Relax...it may not be as bad as all that.

You'd of thought someone said "Trump!" to her or something.

Only in Scamland is there a rumor of a Star Wars XIX. 

A rumor my character put there after receiving this email from the Supreme Court of the Federal Republic of Nigeria:


Supreme Court of Nigeria
Three-Arms Zone
P.M.B. 308. Garki Abuja
 E-mail: chiefjusticeofnig@legislator.com
websites:http://supremecourt.gov.ng/


Dear: Unpaid Beneficiary,

This is to inform you that in the course of my investigation as director of payment verification / implementation committee I came across your name as unpaid fund beneficiary in the record of the central bank of Nigeria and other banks that are suppose to get your funds released to you. My committee was set up by the payment reconciliation committee to verify and scrutinize all outstanding debts owed to our foreign beneficiaries in accordance to the information received from the United States government and other countries over unpaid huge debts owed to Foreigners.

Having seen your file and my further questioning to the officials of the central of Nigeria bank and ministry of finance as to why your payment is still pending reveals the rot and corruption in the system. The bank officials told me that the reason why you haven't received your payment is due to your inability to pay for the required charges for transfer of funds to your account. When I asked them why they didn't deduct the said charges from your principal sum, I was given the flimsy excuse that you never authorized them to do so. When I put the question across to them if they ever advised you that such charges could be deducted from your principal fund,the answer I got was no. Now, if you do not tell this beneficiary that such charges could be deducted from his or her principal fund, how will he or she know that such options are available for such beneficiaries.

From my investigation I discovered that these bank officials deliberately refused to let the charges be deducted from your principal fund because they want your fund to remain trapped in the bank, while they continue to extort money from beneficiaries under some flimsy excuse. You do not need to pay any money to any official, all you are required to do is swear to an affidavit at the federal high court of Nigeria, authorizing the bank to deduct all charges from your principal fund and transfer the balance of funds after deduction to your bank account. If you have spent any money in the past in your quest for payment, kindly let me know so that I can follow this up. You can reach me on my phone or email for directive on how you can get the deduction done as soon as possible and get your payment also.


In case you doubt or want to ascertain whom I am, you can log into any of the following websites:http://supremecourt.gov.ng/

Yours sincerely,

Walter S. Nkanu Onnoghen.
 E-mail: chiefjusticeofnig@legislator.com
websites:http://supremecourt.gov.ng/
ATTORNEY GENERAL FEDERAL
REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA.  


In the course of the edit, some twisted individual of dubious thinkingcedence made a lame suggestion about...well, read it yourself:

 

From: Supreme Court of Nigeria <barrister_dandy@yahoo.com>
Sent: Sunday, December 24, 2017 3:27 PM
Subject: FROM THE ATTURKEY GENITAL FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA

Supreme Court of Nigeria
Three-Arms One-Leg Zone
P.M.B. 308. Garki Abuja
 E-mail: chiefjusticeofnig@legislator.com

Dear: Unwashed Benephiserary,

This is to inform you that in the course of my investigation as director of the upcoming movie Star Warts XIX -- The Phantom Cowtickler Has Gas And Isn't Afraid To Use it -- slated for release in theatres in the sprung of 2020, I came across your name as an unauditioned wannabe in this movie. 

 WTbloodyF???  My casting call had already closed to verify and scrutinize all possible acting nincompoops this movie project would need, and here you come along.

 Having seen your portfolioid of pictures you somehow got of me leaving a Motel 6 in Newark with an inflatable Nancy Bela Pelosi sex toy at 3am -- that Al Franken bought from me for a burrito supreme -- and my further questioning to the other actors/actresses/gender neutralities there amongst, reveals the rot and corruption in the Hollywad system. The Beverly Hillbillies officials told me that the reason why you haven't received your invite to audition is due to your inability to do a sex scene with Debbie Wasserman-Medusa for the required cosmic mayhem scene just before the Death Star XI charges in to blow the living flying fish f**k out of Darfur, Aleppo, Deadtroit, or somewhere desolate that George Clooney will get on a jackwagon about for a few sound bytes because he doesn't like Trump and is still bent because Team America hosed his marionette. 

 

When I asked them why they didn't go ahead and audition you, they handed me a collection of your worst audition videos from Survivor, The Voice, American YouDull and a couple other shows that pretty much showed all, including your genital warts that I could have done without seeing.  I was given the flimsy excuse that you never authorized them to leave out your Dancing With The Stars audition of doing the mambo with an inflated version of Kim Kardashian's butt.  When I put the question across to them if they ever advised you that you could have been charged for the casualties that routine inflicted -- when the inflated Kardashian butt catastrophically deflated, wiping out the band and half the judges along with several dozens of audiences dismembered -- the answer I got was no, that the FBI and Robert Mueller were covering up for you because you had photos of them doing unspeakables with an inflatable Hellary, too.

 

Now, if you do not recall any of this happenings, we might have a part where you play a Hellary Clintonesque Evil Empire figure, demanding to know why she's not up 50% in the ratings or some such.  You also get to smash lamps and fall down a lot.

 From my investigation I discovered that no one outside of Nigeria wants this movie made under some flimsy excuse. You do not need to worry about what anyone says about you at pmsnbc or cnn, because their audience of a dozen are all fondling their goat parts and are not paying attention.  All you are required to do is swear to an affidavit at the federal high court of Nigeria that you did not actually refuse to do that sex scene with Wasserman-Medusa, since we're going to insert Jar Jar Binks into that slot anyway.

 

If you have spent any money in the past in your quest for getting the DNC to stay away from your hamsters, kindly let me know so that I can follow this up.

 

You can reach me on my phone or email for directive on how we can get your audition scheduled.

In case you doubt or want to ascertain whom I am, you can log into any of the following websites: http://Star Warts XIX -- The Phantom Cowtickler Has Gas And Isn't Afraid To Use it/gov.ng/

 Yours sincerely,

Walter S. Nkanu Onnoghen.
 E-mail: chiefjusticeofnig@legislator.com
websites: http://Star Warts XIX -- The Phantom Cowtickler Has Gas And Isn't Afraid To Use it /gov.ng/
FROM THE ATTURKEY GENITAL FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA 

 

 

This drew no response from the Nigerian Supreme Court.  It was rumored to have triggered George Lucas to seek therapy for that court.

 

 

One can understand why...

Melania Trump Wants To Give Me Money

LOL...not really.

But the email my character received claimed to be from Melania Trump.

Might be another Russian ploy.

Ettu, Hellary?

At any rate, here's "Melania" to my character:


I am Mrs.Melania Trump and I am written to inform you about your Bank  Check Draft brought by United Embassy from the government of Benin  Republic to the white house Washington DC and has been mandated to be  deliver to your address on Monday,being,November 13th, 2017 as soon as  you get back to me with your below information.

Home address:.............................
City:...................................
Phone number.........................

You check is containing the sum of $60 million USD.
Here is my number.(206) 429-7944) you can call me or send me an sms,
but i prefer sms because I'm always busy in the white house and i cant
be able to pick calls all the time.

I will be waiting to hear from you immediately, thanks and God bless you.

Remain Blessed,
Yours faithfully
Mrs.Melania Trump  


I'm not thinking that such largess exists from POTUS or Benin.  Then again, I'm a stick in the mud cynic.  As is my character, who turns to an old theme to freshen up the 'Foist Lady' email a tadski:

From: mrs. melania trump <mrs_melania_trump@outlook.com>
Sent: Tuesday, November 7, 2017 12:28 PM
Subject: Urgent Respond About Moose 'n Squirrel

 

I am Mrs. Melania Trump and you're knot.

No, I am never watched Saturn Day Knights Lite.

I am written to inform you about your knowledges about the whenaborts of

the infamous Moose 'n Squirrel that Comrades Boris and Natasha hasn't not

yet brought to borscht even with the help of Fearless Leader.

I mean, WTFski?  It's a moose 'n squirrel...not 007 and Emma Peel.

Georgely, they have more success with DNC and Wicked Witch of

Chappaqua.  Why we pay her hornyak spouse $500,000 to have

speaks about his female intern genital humidor collection and

what the definition of "is" is, this completely mistystruates me.

But I undress.

When we invade show of Moose 'n Squirrel we hijack the whaleback

machine to find a Blank Czech Draft brought by New England

Patriarchs for a 2nd round player and 3 round to be considered

in exchange for smoked oysters.  The question being here today,

who smoked the oysters and do they have as much the nicotine

and carsalesagens as cigarests?

This cause me much the lost sleeps at work.

United Douche Nozzles from the government of Benin Republic

brought you this email and remind you not to mistaken gasoline

for Listerine when you do oral care with Olga.

Why you'd do Olga is beyond Sons of Dune and any trialgies therefour, five

six or whatevergreen the number, which can't be one cause it's lonely.

It might not has to be if it hasn't used gasoline as I typecastored atrout

priorly. 

Washington DC has been mandated to be deliver to your address on

Monday, being, November 13th, 2017, as soon as possum bull, a

farter skit to remove commas from your texts.  So tell me this the

below please and spank you:

Home address:.............................

If home not wear a dress, what it wear:...............................
City where they do that:...................................
Phone number (not how manys you gots please...not looking for funny mans):.........................

Your Czech -- named John Jacob Wisenheimer Smith, which isn't not my

name too -- is impatiently waiting in a phone birth at the Prague Airport

for someone to give him the number for a good time with Olga.  It is

has been decide that you do that so tell him it's (206) 429-7944.

You can call me an sms, but if you do, it will hurts my felines and this

are not politically carwrecked, so said Simon to Schuster about the

Wicked Witch of Chappaqua and her latest book, "What Happened --

Revision 76 And Counting".

 

Personably, I licked when she blamed me because of my stiletto heels

and my inflatable sex toy sells at five gazillion times the rate of hers.

Though I know a yak farm in upstate Siberia gives her three hooves up. 

They tried four and kept falling over.

I will be waiting to hear from you immediately so I can standunder how

this email was receipted.  Thanks and God bless you if you sneezed.  If

you is atheist and sneezed, don't do it face down in borscht.

Remain seated, I'm leaving on a jet plane and not sure who next it'll

that I am again,
But this time it be
Mrs. Melania Trump and you're knot  

 

 

FLOTUS has not gotten back to my character on this.  Didn't figger that she would.  There was an animated dog knocking on my door, allegedly looking for Sherman, but meh...I just need another cup of coffee.